NOW OZZY TURNS LLOYD-WEBBER: Ozzy Osbourne is writing the songs for a musical about the life of Rasputin. We imagine that, in order to be as historically accurate as possible, Ozzy will be undertaking stringent research, which will lead him to conclude the following facts are known about Rasputin:

- He was Russia's greatest love machine
- He was the lover of the Russian queen
- He was a cat who really was gone

Shouldn't be too hard to knock up a song about him, then.