KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY: Kelly Osbourne is out of rehab, and has already worked the "my drug hell" schtick up into another part of her increasingly over-elaborate plans to try and be famous for something more than having spent some time in the womb of the most annoying woman anywhere near showbusiness. Tonight, she's going to be unpicking the good work the triple Corrie Todd's out spectacular will do for the ITV ratings by popping up on Tonight being interviewed by her brother Jack. Jesus, we know Martin Bashir's just quit, but are things so grim down at Granada they're having to get Jack Osbourne in to do the interviews for their flagship current affairs programme? Even The Sharon Osbourne Show never stooped quite that low.

Anyway, here's what to expect: Kelly reveals that she had "tried" alcohol at the age of 12 - we'd had a taste of wine when we were six, so it's a miracle that we didn't wind up slumped in a drainage ditch somewhere*- and that it wasn't just painkillers she was hooked on. Trouble is, when we hear her say that, we don't think "Kelly was jacking up to escape the boredom of her reality", more "Kelly is jacking up her story to escape the reality that her life is quite boring. Ozzy also pops up, saying "We were in denial - you always want to think it's somebody else's kids, not your own" - although Ozzy was so far gone when they made the programmes he probably did think they were somebody else's kids. Jesus, he probably thought he was a giant Jaffa Cake, so how the hell could they have been his kids?



* - no, really, it is