ROPEY HALL OF FAME: The gossip suggests that the awarding of Madonna a slot in the pointless Channel 4 UK Rock & Roll Hall of Fame was a last minute decision, and that seconds before the production team were trying to scratch the words "Elton" and "John" off her award. Jo Whiley and Tracy Emin teamed up to give Madonna her gong - Whiley simpering that Madonna has "bigger balls than any man I've ever met", which is one of those things people say but isn't really as flattering as they might think - who has big balls, after all, but men who don't get much hot bed action. There was a worse back-handed compliment in store, though, when Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney showed a video they'd made of them dressed up as Madonna:



Yes, we know: they look like What Not To Wear Does Drag Queens.

Madonna is, apparently, an honorary entry while Robbie Williams - oh sweet Jesus - is in for the 90s (it was the John Major decade, after all) and The Rolling Stones sent Mick Jagger's butler ("Ronnie Wood") to pick up the 1960s entry. As Wood pointed out, he joined the band in 1975. The 80s was Michael Jackson (did not turn up at all, for some reason), Queen took the 1970s, and Cliff was lumbered with being there for the 1950s.

Another honorary winner was Bono. He tried to play it all down: "If anybody wants to know why I'm not playing at the Holiday Inn near Heathrow, the answer is simply that I'm not a solo singer, I'm in U2." But later, he told Reuters Television: "I really didn't want to come. Only respect for the people who were running the show has me here. I hate the idea of being in the UK Hall of Fame to be honest with you. We don't want to be in any Hall of Fame until we're retired or dead."

So... Bono only picked up the prize because otherwise Jamie Theakston and some TV researchers might have felt slighted. Not because he wanted the lights and the love. It's very important to not disrespect a variety show on Channel 4.