THE WORTER IN MAJORRKER DON'T TASTE LIKE WHAT IT OURTER

In what may be the first ever documented case of life imitating a lager advert, Mariah Carey wants to learn to speak proper, like:

Speaking to 3am ahead of her breathtaking performance at Asda's Tickled Pink benefit on Sunday night, she said: "I love EastEnders and I've asked a friend of mine to record some episodes for me. I love the way they speak - the cockney accent, so I'm gonna learn it."

You know, I've got a fairly nice-end-of-Brighton accent, but even I'm feeling patronised. We're not sure why she's bothering with EastEnders, though - why not bow to the inevitable and get this:

music mary poppins mariah carey