KNIGHTS OF YAWN - AND THE HARD LUCK CAFE

There's been a small knot of artists desperate to claim kinship with long-dead figures this week - we'll come to Michael Jackson in a moment, but first we should give the attention he so desperately craves to James Blunt, who reckons he's descended from royalty. Tenth century King Gorm the Old, to be precise, which is interesting - we'd have thought that Blunt and his entire family would have proven to be gormless no matter how many generations you go back.

Apparently, Blunt's family left Denmark to fight in the Battle of Hastings. James, mate, it's finished now. If you'd like to go back to Copenhagen, don't let us detain you.

Michael Jackson, meanwhile, has announced that he's actually a knight of the realm. Albeit one who died 800 years ago. It turns out - and you wouldn't have got odds on this - he's the reincarnation of Sir William Marshal, the first Earl of Pembroke. You can see why Jacko might think there's a link - when Marshall was in his forties, he married the teenager Isabel de Clare.

Oddly, though, this regal blood didn't help jacko when he tried to get into the reopening party for the Hard Rock Cafe: he turned up, and got turned away becasue the place was full. It does surprise us, actually, as we'd always assumed that the HRC would pay for any sort of crumbling pop-related tat to stick up inside; who knew they had standards.

Splendidly, amongst the "celebrities" who they could accommodate were Kelly Osboure and Lord - a real Lord, in modern times - Brocket.

One other little detail in the report here - besides his visits to Billy Elliot, Madam Tussaurds, the Hard Rock cafe and other places popular with children tourists, he hasn't left his suite at the Dorchester much. Curious, for a man supposedly in the country recording a charity single, don't you think?

music james blunt king gorm michael jackson william marshal hard rock cafe lord brocket kelly osbourne