USHER ISN'T GAY, BUT IS RICH

Have you ever wondered what it must be like to be Usher? No? Oh.

Lets say you had, though: Usher has been talking about what a great guy he is to Complex magazine (the magazine for men who aren't). For example, he's had his colon pumped:

"Nah man. I mean, yeah, I had a colonic before but not no shit like that. Not no monthly thing. Hell no. Someone who travels a lot like I do, while you're on the road, flying over to Africa and eating meats in certain places, you don't always eat the way you should and a lot of waste builds up inside your body. That's why I did it.

"It ain't no shit you gonna be proud of, I'll tell you that."

This does raise the question, of course, of what shits exactly Usher is proud of - presumably he has a small band of flunkies who come in and record the best ones in a book.

Note, though, the neat way he pretends his totally pointless cosmetic procedure was in some way neccesary because he "ate certain meats in Africa" - yeah, we bet you really need a stomach cleansing after having a McDonalds in Pretoria.

Still, he might have had some plastic tubing up his openings, but Usher does draw some lines about what he puts there:

"Um, nothing's gonna be shocking at this point, y'all read it in the tabloids. You know, the orgies and the whole nine. At 15 being surrounded by the shit I saw, looking at orgies and all kinda stuff, I had the lifestyle of a rock star.

Interesting use of the word "looking" at orgies, there. But those special sort of orgies, of course, where the sexual abandon only went so far.

"There were women-on-women but never man-on-man. Shit, nowhere near that! Hell no. No one that I ever roll with or ever would roll with would get down like that."

Have we got that clear? Not only would Usher not have sex with a gay, he'd never have sex with a bloke who would have sex with a gay.

Of course, the likeliest reason why Usher wouldn't have sex with another man is because he could never find another man he loved as much as he loves himself:

"I started off as a hundred-aire, became a millionaire. Started off playing basketball in
front of the yard and now own the Clevland Cavaliers."

You must be very pleased with yourself, Mr. Usher. You certainly sound like you are.

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