Won't someone think of our sides?

You may still be suffering delusions and tremors if you caught any of Children In Need last night. The highlight - and that's a word we use only so you can hear the hollow ring on "highlight", sounding out like the Big Ben bell - would have been the cast of Holby City doing Madonna's Hung Up. Shorn of its overproduction, it did make it clear just what a weak lyric the thing has (Maddy really does do a timecheck at one point - a quarter to two - purely so she has a rhyme for "hung up on you". And "ring ring ring goes the telephone" - was this co-written by the Flumps?) but the bizarre acto-flotsam who've washed up in the series was almost enough to distract you. Jesus and Roland Rivron? Bloody hell.

And let's not even pretend we understood the How Clean Is Your House Gig bit: we know it was for charity and a bit of fun, but unless Status Quo colour in their bed with felt-tip, it was so staged as to be pointless.

We didn't see, we don't think, the cast of Two Pints Of Lager and A Packet Of Razorblades Hidden In Their Crisps "doing" Club Tropicana, as we started to swig neat whiskey round about the time they made Will Mellor and Ralf Little remove their clothes and have Michelle Dewberry from The Apprentice and Scott Mills rubbing fake tan into them.

Every BBC employee will have added Scott Mills to their hatelist after - over on BBC Three's Celebrity Scissorhands - he got the option to shave Mark Thompson's beard, and did so without a single nick, never mind an open blade to his throat and a snarling "don't offshore those people's jobs, Thompson, if you know what's good for you."

It was lovely to see Steve Strange hold his hands steady enough to break a Guiness Record for most heads shaved in an hour. Oh, Norris McWhirter, that you were alive at this hour...

One charity night finishes only for the next to wash into view, of course: and who could fail to cancel all their plans for February at the news that Matt Lucas and Peter Kay are teaming up to cover The Proclaimers' 500 Miles in aid of Comic Relief.

music steve strange matt lucas the proclaimers holby city roland rivron robert powell