Church service

Who are Britain's hottest couple, would you say? No, we've no idea either, and we're not even sure how you'd set about measuring such a thing. But Sunday (the cheap News of the World supplement) reckons it's Charlotte Church and that rugby playing bloke, Jim Henson or Gavin Hewittson or whoever it is, despite the fact that nobody really knows anything about rugby and the average British person wouldn't even be able to tell you if he plays Union or League. He could play Rugby Fives for all most of us know.

Still, it's worth reading the article for this terrible, clunky piece of poor writing, as Christine Smith tries to get from gifts to envy:

"He's very thoughtful. He bought me a beautiful piano for Christmas last year and, last Valentine's Day, he bought me a beautiful diamond and emerald bracelet because green is my favourite colour," she explains.

Her mention of the colour green is rather ironic, as Charlotte is frank about her struggle with the amount of female attention that Gavin attracts.

Presumably, if the gift had contained rubies, it would have been ironic as Charlotte would often be red with anger about the attention. Sapphires? Charlotte feels blue about the rivalry. Pearls? There's grit at the heart of the relationship...