Darkness at 3AM: Oh, god, here comes autumn

It was funny watching Tonight Without Trevor McDonald Anymore last night, wailing about how rude and ill-mannered everybody is these days, when the only programme anyone watches on ITV any more consists of Simon Cowell and that simpering balloon-head who used to edit the Mirror being paid millions to be rude to people.

And, while Britain's Got Talent has only just got underway, the other half of the never-ending Cowell story is already preparing in the wings, with Dannnii Minogue getting space in 3AM to stoke the choreographed "feuds" between her and the other judges:

Referring to her run-ins with the pair, she adds: "I just kept my mouth shut through all that. I found it somewhere between funny and disturbing.

"There were some moments when I felt like I was back at school. It was distressing but I'm prepared for it this year."

Like being back at school? Well, yes, if you used to be part of a very lightly talented amateur dramatics troupe in your class.

The 3AM Girls are a bit hard up for copy today: they've got a story about the Queens of Noize's rider for a TV promo event. The Queens Of Noize? Even their mums would have trouble placing them, surely? What next: Sean Keavney's holiday plans? So obscure, indeed, are the DJs that the Mirror manages to spell their name incorrectly.