Thursday, April 24, 2008

Gordon in the morning: Winehouse at large

Gordon's pages this morning trumpet:

Amy's most depraved night yet

How depraved? It takes two writers to chronicle events, that's how depraved:
Crime Editor

Yes, a crime editor, no less.

It's claimed that in the course of an evening, Winehouse hit a bloke for not getting off the pool table:
[Mustapha el Mounmi] said: “I feel so angry. She smashed my face hard. I could not hit back — she’s a woman.”

then hit another bloke who tried to get her a cab:
A source said: “He said she was a snarling tigress. It’s said she caused a serious amount of damage.”

(Yes, that does appear to be an unnamed source quoting another, more distant, unnamed source at the end there.)

She's also supposed to have kissed a man - which is hardly that depraved, especially by her standards - and only paid twenty pounds for a taxi ride. Oh, and walked into a lamppost.

The Sun decides it's time to put in another call to Sharon Simm, their reformed crack addict, for insight:
FORMER crack addict Sharon Simm said Amy’s outburst was always going to happen.

Sharon, 36, now a mentor at the Family Court drug and alcohol unit, added: “Amy could be suffering from crack psychosis.

"She may have thought those guys were demons in her drug-addled condition."

Now, I'm sure Simm knows what she's talking about, but how responsible is it to speculate that someone was suffering psychosis on the basis of a garbled report in a newspaper column? After all, there are any number of punching-and-slappings in British towns after closing time, and virtually all of them have nothing to do with people see crack-demons and everything to do with vast quantities of alcohol being drunk. And the whole walking-into-lamppost business suggests too much sauce rather than crack psychosis - unless, perhaps, the lamppost was also a demon?

Meanwhile, Gordon himself tries to make "man moves to London" into a story. Inspired by James Corden's decision to relocate, and apparently with a straight face, Gordon informs his readers:
The comedian’s move follows a long tradition of stars who have hit the big time and upped sticks to the Smoke.

Gordon offers as evidence - because, unusually, he hasn't made this up - Noel Gallagher and Alex Turner. Modestly, he doesn't mention a certain Scottish lad who traipsed to Wapping with his belongings in a spotted neckerchief...