Gordon in the morning: Can't we all try to get on with our lives?

Just one person filing for the Madonna divorce story today - Virginia Wheeler is charged with going through the whole thing again. Readers of The Sun might be a little confused, having been told over the last couple of years that the marriage is strong, that it's being repaired, that it's over, that it's never been a genuine love match, that Madonna is in fact a man called Malcolm and that it fell apart before they even met. Today's line? Apparently it's been dead since 2005, with the most ridiculous headline ever to grace a break-up story:

The moment Madonna fell off that horse, the marriage was doomed

Having had a Gordon Smart inspired pro-Guy start to the coverage, today the paper suddenly realises it was backing the wrong horse, and shifts its support from a bloke who makes bad movies to the woman who, you know, people still want to read about:

But we can reveal that the truth behind the episode was that Madonna felt 40-year-old Guy “abandoned her emotionally”.

And she became so embittered over his “shabby treatment” that she told pals at the time: “He can’t possibly be my soulmate.”

With Wheeler busy drafting the new party line for Madonna coverage, luckily there's something to occupy Gordon's attention.

Yes, breasts:

Xtina's boobs are simply huge

Now, I know that complaining that a tabloid is obsessed with breasts is somewhat redundant, but even Gordon used to make a bit of an effort, trying to suggest there was some news story vaguely connected to the breasts, or at least trying to come up with a pun. Today, though, he does appear to have thought 'woman has large breasts' is a story complete of itself.

By next week, there won't be any words on Bizarre's pages any more; it'll just be a photo of Gordon making a cupping gesture with one hand and pointing with the other.