Gordon in the morning: Or whoever's in charge

Even Madonna, you imagine, must be sick to death of hearing about her divorce right now. Not so The Sun, which completes a solid week of leading Bizarre with ever-decreasing tales about the split by running a pointless story which suggests that Madonna was haunted by Tania Strecker. Not literally, of course - although as they scrape the bottom of the divorce story jamjar it's only a matter of time before they suggest a ghost might have been involved. The paper hints around that Strecker and Guy might have had an affair, or possibly still been seeing each other when he started going out with Madonna, or... it doesn't really matter. Even if it's true, we're talking about stuff from eight years ago.

If only there was some other divorce we could focus on. Hey! What about that other famous couple - we've not heard much from them for a while, have we? How is Mucca - so called because News Corporation hates her - getting on?

HEATHER MILLS has blown nearly £10million of her huge divorce settlement in only SEVEN MONTHS, The Sun can reveal.

It's Richard White going through the receipts here. Amusingly, though, as he details her excesses, he actually forgets he's meant to be knocking her:

Mucca also donated $1million of vegetarian food to homeless children in the Bronx.

Really? Isn't that what she claimed although the actual details seemed to suggest the figure was a little unlikely? Richard, if you've got your eye on Gordon's seat, you're going to have pick up your knocking skills.