Gordon in the morning: Further into base camp

Having spent two or three days after the first confused, slightly frightened piece on Ronaldo's "camp" behaviour backpedalling by running guff about the footballer standing near women, you might have thought Gordon would leave it alone now.

Oh, no.

I FEAR the sunshine has been getting to the normally well-attired footballer RIO FERDINAND.

Either that or the Man United ace has fallen under the combined spell of former teammate CRISTIANO RONALDO and gay fashion icon BRUNO.

Smart does try to tone down the playground construction of 'wearing tiny shorts = gay = bad', and relies on references to Bruno - who he talks about as if he was real and not a tiresome construct - to nudge his readers in that direction.

Trotting round his Tel Aviv hotel pool in tiny denim shorts and a multi-coloured crop top is a fashion crime of the highest magnitude.

It's a get-up camp Austrian fashionista Bruno might happily sport.

And he is a gay. Or at least would be, were he not a made-up, clumsy stereotype.

Gordon, though, is all man. And to prove it, he sends Richard White to stare at Victoria Beckham's breasts. Apparently breast reduction surgery is a sign of a new seriousness.