Gordon in the morning: Where sexual politics meets football

With Cheryl Cole over trying desperately to interest the Americans, she's been hanging out with the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie made some sort of joke that she might have sex with Cole.

Gordon Smart and Ashley Cole's teammates have exploded as a result:

JOHN TERRY, DIDIER DROGBA and FRANK LAMPARD have been among those teasing the Chelsea defender with jibes like "You've turned your wife gay".

Apart from being pre-juvenile, this doesn't even make any sense at all. How does a bisexual woman saying she finds someone attractive make the object of her attention gay?

Gordon, footballers: it doesn't work like that. Gay and bisexual people don't go round firing some sort of queerectoplasm at straight people turning them gay.

It doesn't even make any sense to 'blame' Ashley - Cheryl is hanging out with the Peas because of her career, not because she used to be married to Ashley, so even if you were going to bother to make a joke, it would be "ha ha, her career has made your ex-wife attractive to bisexual women". Which wouldn't be funny. Which is exactly the same as the original remarks, but at least has a degree of accuracy.

And they have laughed that Ashley, 29 - dumped by Cheryl over his cheating - might have missed out on a threesome, telling him: "You could have been in the middle of that!"

That makes even less sense - if you assume that Ashley had turned Cheryl gay, why would he be involved in a threesome with her and Fergie? Why would someone whose sexuality you have somehow re-engineered away from heterosexuality then invite you to have sex with them?

I know footballers aren't meant to be that smart, but surely they've seen enough websites to understand this sort of thing a bit better?