No Rock And Roll Fun

Gordon in the morning: Throwaway line; pointless article

2012-01-28T10:18:00.001Z

Gordon himself has filed a breathless piece:

NOEL Gallagher has a cunning plan to fill his kids' trust fund – launching an online business naming babies and dogs for cash.

Really? Or is this just a joke that Noel made that you're dredging an entire article out of?

As ever, it's not to be taken too seriously – his head is full of nonsense.

Righto. Well, glad we could clear that up before you started to go into it in any dep... hang on, you're about to go into this in some depth, aren't you?

But if the High Flying Birds singer decided to, he could make a pretty penny from all the fans who ask him to name their pets and children.

Yes, but he won't, as he isn't going to, because it was a joke.

After Gordon has run Gallagher's joke at its full, too-long length, he then ends with this odd coda:

John McClure, from Reverend and The Makers, is supporting Noel later this year.

They should start their own firm – Gallagher & McClure.

It's got a bit of a ring to it...

Presumably if the space Gordon had left had another couple of lines required, he'd have added "Noel Gallagher might buy some beans. Eat them on toast - delicious!"

Falling Idol

2012-01-27T18:20:00.002Z

There's life left in it, of course, and doubtless Fox will continue to squeeze every drop from it, but American Idol is now firmly on the wane, being beaten in its slot by The Big Bang Theory.

There's a scent of panic coming from the show, scrabbling to bring back Nigel Lythgoe as executive producer and trying to drag interest out of 'look, these people are mad' and 'look, the judges are having an argument amongst themselves that isn't in any way staged, oh no.'

It's not working, though. 30% of the viewers that were still buying it this time last year have vanished; what was once an unstoppable behemoth now resembles more a smoking, stuttering bandwagon.

Gennaro Castaldo watch: Aylesbury fail

2012-01-27T18:10:00.001Z

The spokesperson who shares HMV's pain at closing the branch in Aylesbury isn't named as Gennaro Castaldo, but we can be sure it is him:

A HMV spokesman said: “We’re really sorry to be closing our store in Friars Square.

“This is not a decision we’ve taken lightly and doesn’t in any way reflect on the fantastic work colleagues that we have there.

“We are working hard to relocate our Aylesbury staff to other stores in the region.

“We would also like to point out that our decision does not in any way reflect on our regular customers who we would like to thank most sincerely for their valued support over the past years.

“We shall be looking forward to perhaps seeing our Aylesbury customers at nearby HMV stores or online at hmv.com.

“Nine members of staff are currently in employment at the Friars Square store, all of whom are currently in consultation."

How can we sure that it is Gennaro? Because this is what he said about the closure of the Cheshire Oaks branch:

HMV spokesman Gennaro Castaldo said: “We’re very sorry to be closing our outlet in Cheshire Oaks, which is not a decision we’ve taken lightly and certainly doesn’t in any way reflect on the fantastic work colleagues we have there, who we are looking to relocate to other stores in the region where at all possible, or indeed on our regular customers, who we’d like to thank for their valued support over the past eight years.”

Maybe I'm being oversensitive, but if you can't be arsed to come up with something specific to say about the people you're kicking out of work, it might be best not to bother. Gennaro might as well leave a message saying "The thing being affected by the event under discussion has caused us the correct emotions for a corporation of our type."

[Thanks to Steven from Subsiren for the tip]

Producerobit: Winston Riley

2012-01-27T09:04:00.000Z

Winston Riley, a major figure in Jamaica's music scene across four decades, has died.

Riley's contribution to bringing reggae to a global audience is unquestionable; his label Techniques was responsible for Dave And Ansell Collins' I Am The Greatest, the second reggae number one in the UK.

He also produced this, amongst much else:

Despite massive success, Riley didn't start to make money until more recently, when his beats started to be sampled. His music runs through the spine of much R&B; a large chunk of it derived from this one track:

Winston Riley had been shot in the head in November; he had been in hospital since. He was 68.

Record Shop Update: Bleecker Bob's Golden Oldies closes

2012-01-27T08:39:00.000Z

Grim news from New York, as long-standing fixture Bleecker Bobs has announced it's closing at the end of winter.

The space is needed to provide New York with a Starbucks - an understandable; for while most cities the size of New York have record shops on every corner, there's hardly anywhere left you can buy coffee.

The New York Times remembers the good days:

Bleecker Bob’s, which began as Village Oldies Records in 1968, on Bleecker Street, and moved to two other locations before ending up at No. 118, had many rock ’n’ roll moments. Jimmy Page, Led Zeppelin’s guitarist, tended the register there occasionally, as did Frank Zappa, according to employees, who said both musicians were friends with Bob Plotnick, the store’s owner.

The same story notes the upcoming departure from the city of the Southpaw live venue.

Gordon in the morning: Winehouse on the catwalk

2012-01-27T08:11:00.001Z

Gordon leads today with one of those stories in which nobody comes out well. The Gaultier show ripping off Amy Winehouse's style is pretty shabby.

And you can understand Mitch Winehouse being a bit upset:

He said: "The family was upset to see those pictures, they were a total shock.

"We're still grieving for her loss, and we've had a difficult week with the six-month anniversary of Amy's death."

Until...

"To see her image lifted wholesale to sell clothes was a wrench we were not expecting or consulted on.
[...]
But he added: "No one asked us for permission or offered to make a donation to the foundation."

There's a sense that this isn't just the understandable anger at the shock of seeing your dead daughter being ripped off by a fashion house which has clearly run out of ideas; there's an element of 'we should be controlling what happens to that image'. An upset which could have been avoided by the making of a cash payment - whether to a charity or not - doesn't seem to be a totally genuine upset.

Rhapsody buys European Napster rump

2012-01-26T08:53:00.002Z

Gigaom seems convinced that Rhapsody's purchase of the UK and German parts of Napster will allow Rhapsody to take on Spotify in Europe.

Perhaps. But, given that I don't think many people in the UK had even realised there was an on-going European Napster after the closure of the American service suggests that it's not really going to make a difference in the UK.

Napster is doing a bit better in Germany - it holds 70% of the steaming market, so it's possible that's where Rhapsody sees the value with the UK service thrown in for free.

Napster doesn't face competition from Spotify in Germany yet and its position was boosted earlier this week when Grooveshark quit the country, saying that the higher royalty rates made it impossible to run a business. (The German royalties organisation, GEMA, counters that Grooveshark had a figure of zero in mind.)

Gordon in the morning: Incredibly, Hulk

2012-01-26T07:58:00.000Z

What's this? Have ITV gone and commissioned another mismatched cop duo drama?

One's an out-there maverick who gets results with macrobiotics and wrestling the moves. The other is a suit from City Hall who has the digital skills to get a jump on the bad buys by hac... oh, hang on, it's not that. It's an awkward visit to The Sun headquarters.

Somewhat surprisingly, this is the lead story this morning. Great, I suppose, if you were ten years old in 1984 and somehow were still ten years old today; bemusing otherwise.

Smart does his best to try and make Hogan's visit relevant to 2012. I mean, he makes films, right? Or at least popped up in a Rocky movie. Surely he's got some gossip?

Sadly, he didn't have any Hollywood revelations of his own to share, except admitting he has a battery in his back to ease pain from all his injuries.

That's right: Gordon's big story this morning is that an old man has got a bad back.

That's not his hook, though: Gordon tries to turn this into a story about, erm, Karabian:

WRESTLING legend Hulk Hogan has a bone to pick with Kasabian after he rumbled the band checking into hotels under his name.

Hulk popped into Bizarre HQ for a chat and a game of darts yesterday. And he roared: "I heard about these guys. They have made a show about UK wrestling in the Eighties, called Walk Like A Panther.

"I know Rollerball Rocco, he's in it. He's my guy. I'll be his tag partner and sort them out for trashing hotel rooms under my name."

Hmmm. Really, Gordon? Did Hulk say that really? Or did you give him a bit of help? Because apart from a somewhat pre-emptive double page spread on the Walk Like A Panther pilot in Q, it sometimes looks like there's only one person in the world outside the production team who has heard of the unaired show. That's you, Gordon.

Gennaro Castaldo watch: coping with loss

2012-01-25T19:53:00.001Z

A cold wind blowing through Cheshire Oaks outlet village, with HMV closing its branch there. Gennaro Castaldo is on hand to hug the departing staff:

HMV spokesman Gennaro Castaldo said: “We’re very sorry to be closing our outlet in Cheshire Oaks, which is not a decision we’ve taken lightly and certainly doesn’t in any way reflect on the fantastic work colleagues we have there, who we are looking to relocate to other stores in the region where at all possible, or indeed on our regular customers, who we’d like to thank for their valued support over the past eight years.”

Closing the store doesn't reflect badly on the customers? Eh? Presumably if you had customers you wouldn't be closing?

It's a bit strange that HMV ran an outlet shop anyway: aren't their ordinary shops the places which they stack high with unsellable product?

Megaupload: Too big for its reboots?

2012-01-25T19:07:00.001Z

Megaupload has been around for ages. Why, then, did the copyright industry suddenly decide it had to act?

Shauna Myers ran an interesting post on her Google+ page. Linking to a DMN story, Shauna suggests it was less about what Megaupload had done, and more about what they were about to do:

I present to you... MegaBox. MegaBox was going to be an alternative music store that was entirely cloud-based and offered artists a better money-making opportunity than they would get with any record label.

"UMG knows that we are going to compete with them via our own music venture called Megabox.com, a site that will soon allow artists to sell their creations directly to consumers while allowing artists to keep 90 percent of earnings," MegaUpload founder Kim 'Dotcom' Schmitz told Torrentfreak

Not only did they plan on allowing artists to keep 90% of their earnings on songs that they sold, they wanted to pay them for songs they let users download for free.

"We have a solution called the Megakey that will allow artists to earn income from users who download music for free," Dotcom outlined. "Yes that's right, we will pay artists even for free downloads. The Megakey business model has been tested with over a million users and it works."

Using the criminal justice system of two nations in order to crush competitors? Could you believe a record label possible of such behaviour?

[Thanks to Michael M]

Warner claims ownership of silence

2012-01-25T18:56:00.001Z

If you want to avoid getting hit with a DCMA takedown notice, it can be hard. A couple of times now, I've shared a video sent to me by a record company PR outfit - cleared and websafe - only to have the same record company issue a DCMA takedown a few days later.

But if you're sharing your own video, and it has no music on, you're safe, right?

Erm... nope. Crochetgeek makes silent videos showing how to crochet.

Despite the complete lack of music on them, Warner Music Group has hit her with a DCMA takedown. The crocheter, Teresa Robertson, is unimpressed:

They are just coming across as "big bully" companies who want to control the Internet and want to control non traditional, original content on YouTube. There is a redistribution of wealth taking place and it is not going in to their pocket because you can be an independent creator on YouTube.

They have been walking all over original content creators for to long, claiming content they have no right to claim! They really need to get over it and adapt to the change.

I suppose, to be fair, she is using the word "crochet", which is quite close to "crotchet", and the sheet music Warners publishes has got crotchets on. Open and shut case, surely?

Gordon in the morning: Drumming up interest

2012-01-25T08:54:00.000Z

Tony McCarroll is flogging the drumkit he used when he was in Oasis, and Gordon is happy to help:

He told me: "I've never taken advantage of the Oasis connections over the years. There have been a lot of offers and opportunities but I just never felt the need to.

"I've been living a really normal life, nothing much has been going on.

"I've been looking into DJing with Clint Boon.

"I heard a rumour Wayne Rooney was interested in buying the drum kit and thought that might be better than leaving it in storage."

Tony has never taken advantage of the Oasis connections. Obviously, you have to pretend he never sued the band nor wrote a book called Oasis: The Truth, but it's a pretty impressive claim.

What's odd, though, is the apparent chronology of this story: if you take it as gospel, Wayne Rooney was apparently going round saying 'you know what, for some reason I was thinking I'd quite like to buy Tony McCarroll's old drums, if they ever came on the market'. It's not impossible.

But if Wayne Rooney's interest was the spark which made Tony think 'I could flog them', why would you put them on auction site rather than ring up Wayne Rooney and invite him to make an offer?

McCarroll is lucky, though - according to Oasis myth, he fell out with Noel when Gallagher refused to spend Creation equipment money on bits for the drumkit, making Tony spend his own cash. Had Noel shared that cash, he'd probably be after Tony now for a percentage.

Jagger slaps Cameron & struts out of Davos

2012-01-24T21:35:00.001Z

Ah, this morning's lavish coverage of Mick Jagger turning up at Dave and/or Boris' expensive Davos tea party must have thrilled the Number 10 press office.

The grins have probably faded somewhat, as Jagger has pulled out, fuming at being described, for example, as a Tory by Gordon Smart this morning:

The Rolling Stones frontman said: "During my career I have always eschewed party politics and came to Davos as a guest, as I thought it would be stimulating.

"I have always been interested in economics and world events.

"I now find myself being used as a political football and there has been a lot of comment about my political allegiances which are inaccurate.

"I think it's best I decline the invitation to the key event and curtail my visit."

That's pretty much a disendorsement of Cameron, then. Or possibly of Boris. Or probably both.

Seal: When life gives you lemons, you can sell those lemons

2012-01-24T19:38:00.001Z

It's obviously a difficult time for Seal and Heidi Klum, having recently announced their divorce. Let's just give them some space.

Space for Klum to come to terms with her changed life. Space for the children to be left alone during this upsetting time.

And, apparently, space for Seal to run around yelling 'hey, if I knew that divorce would suddenly make me a hot ticket, I'd have done it years ago'.

In one of the many, many post-divorce appearances Seal has made, he stared into the eyes of PBS' Tavis Smiley and said:

What one has to do in this situation is remain civil and to retain one's dignity and to be professional.

Nothing says dignity like booking a car to drive you round the daytime chatshows, waving your decree absolute like a backstage pass.

... and to understand that we are not the only people on this planet that go through this.

Yes, you know what Seal? You're not the only people to go through this. So why do you think your divorce is worth giving the sort of publicity you would have once given to an album launch?

Oscars: Madonna suddenly gets a free night in February

2012-01-24T19:09:00.000Z

The Golden Globes, with their head-patting 'well, your song is quite good', must have been galling enough for singer-turned-director-at-least-in-her-head Madonna.

The Oscars shortlist are crueller still, with no room even for best song nomination. In fact, WE gets just one shortlisting. For best costumes.

To be fair, The Muppets are probably going to be shoo-in for Best Song, for Man Or Muppet, so it's probably a kindness that they're not expecting her to turn up.

Besides, Madonna's not an idiot and must have seen her film, so she was able to get her self-consolation in first:

"Well, the Oscars, the nominations are coming out tomorrow, and fingers crossed, I hope my movie gets nominated for something," Madonna told MTV News on the [Golden Globes] red carpet. "I would be really grateful if it did, but if it doesn't, I got the Super Bowl — keep on going."

Yes, if you've been shunned by the Oscars, knowing you'll keep the cameras ticking over while the Superbowl audience have gone to the john or the bar is the next best thing.

Managerobit: John Levy

2012-01-24T08:51:00.000Z

John Levy, bassist-turned-manager, has died.

Levy managed jazz acts at a time when being African American wasn't easy; back in the age of segregation, Levy did all he could to ensure his artists were given the respect they deserved. He worked with, and for, Betty Carter, Herbie Mann, Freddie Hubbard, George Shearing, Joe Williams and Nancy Wilson amongst others.

His clients respected him because, as a musician, he understood what they were doing, but also understood that his charges weren't machines. As Nancy Wilson put it:

I wanted a life, and he was a manager who would allow me to have a life because he understood.

John Levy was 99. He was created a Jazz Master by the National Endowment for the Arts in 2006.

Gordon in the morning: Jagger swagger

2012-01-24T07:53:00.001Z

Not often the scribbling of Tom Newton Dunn, The Sun's political editor, makes it onto Gordon's pages, but his story today that Mick Jagger is going to help Cameron promote Britain.

Of course, this is at an event overseas; Jagger and The Rolling Stones being famously averse to spending too long in Britain lest they actually pay their fair share of tax.

It's at Davos, which will give Mick a chance to visit his money at the same time.

This, apparently, is a "publicity coup":

The Rolling Stones legend will be star attraction at an event in Switzerland organised by Downing Street to boost investment to the UK in the Olympics year.

No10 is "tickled pink" with the publicity coup, a senior Government source told The Sun.

Hang about, though... what's this further down the story?

The tea party — officially hosted by London mayor Boris Johnson

So it's not actually organised by Downing Street, then?

In case you don't already feel queasy enough at this, somebody has come up with a "No 10's Top 10" of hilariously retitled Rolling Stones songs. It includes Paint It Blue and Little Blue Rooster. No, really.

Piracy actually not that bad, but let's say it is

2012-01-23T18:39:00.001Z

There's some interesting figures in the IFPI report into digital music, reported by Music Week. You remember piracy, don't you?

According to Nielsen/IFPI figures from November 2011, the percentage of internet users accessing at least one unlicensed site monthly stood at 27% in Europe and 28% worldwide – with around half using peer-to-peer networks.

That doesn't really sound very much, does it? Over 70% of internet users not even visiting an "unlicensed site" (whatever that is) at all.

But that's averages. What's happening in piracy hotspots?

In some countries, the rate of usage of illegal sites is far higher than the global average - for example 42 per cent and 44 per cent respectively in the major markets of Spain and Brazil (Nielsen/IFPI).

So, even where it's bad, fewer than half the people online visit a site which holds unlicensed music.

And America? How are things in America - a country where piracy is apparently so rife, we came within an ace of having SOPA destroy the free internet?

NPD data included in the IFPI report shows that 16% of the US internet population were using infringing P2P sites in Q4 2007, down to just 9% in Q4 2010.

Meanwhile, the average number of tracks downloaded from P2P services dropped from 35 to 18 in the same period.

All this, surely, is brilliant news for the entertainment industry, right?

Music Week isn't so sure:

However, levels of global music piracy won’t bring comfort to labels.

Really? They're relatively small, and appear to be declining. Why would they not take comfort from that?

Let's nip over to the IFPI site, where Frances Moore, CEO, is looking at the figures. Is he happy?

As we enter 2012, there are good reasons for optimism in the world of digital music. Legal services with expanding audiences have reached across the globe and consumer choice has been revolutionised.

Well, that's great news. Treble clefs all ro... oh, hang on. He's looking cross. Why is he looking cross?

"Any complacency now, however, would be a great mistake. Our digital business is progressing in spite of the environment in which it operates, not because of it. In 2012 the momentum needs to build further. We need legislation from governments with coordinated measures that deal with piracy effectively and in all its forms. We also need more cooperation from online intermediaries such as search engines and advertisers to support the legal digital music business."

Moore is, you'll spot, telling a whopper here. His organisation's own figures show that even with their gross over-estimation of piracy, it's in decline - mainly despite, not because of, the work of the labels and their chums in the movie industry.

(Actually, should the labels be worried? Even without any comeback, even when it's available for free, people are scooping up less music.)

To the untrained eye, it might look like the RIAA and their client organisations have bought themselves a fire engine; now there's no fire, rather than getting rid of the uniforms and hoses, they're running round going 'I think I still smell burning'.

They passed from being entertainment companies into copyright farmers long ago; now, it looks like they're going to be permanent copyright lobbyists, too.

HMV gets chance to limp on for longer

2012-01-23T08:06:00.002Z

HMV has delayed the inevitable by doing a deal with some entertainment companies which sees some of the risk of supplying records and DVDs shift from the beleaguered retailer to the beleaguered labels:

The retailer plans to hand 2.5% of its equity to major suppliers in the form of warrants. Other terms of the alliance are to remain confidential but they are believed to formalise a switch of risks to suppliers at the store chain.

You'll recall part of the problem HMV had to grapple with last year was difficulty in getting credit insurance for the massive piles of stock cluttering up its shelves; this move will help with that.

It does appear to signal another change of direction at the whirling store, though:

. It is not thought to include games console suppliers, leading to immediate speculation that HMV may choose to refocus its product mix, expanding film and music and down-playing games. Shops are also expected to accelerate plans to resurrect vinyl offers.

All that money spent on turning stores into youth club style games drop-in centres was well spent, then.

The trouble for HMV is that not a single person is going to say 'hmm, I hear the discs on sale there are now directly underwritten by the manufacturer rather than a third party insurer; I really must pop into HMV'.

It might make the margins a little more comfortable, but a larger theoretical profit on stuff that has no customers to buy it won't help.

The best hope for HMV is that this will at least give them the cover to keep going until there's an upturn in the economy. Good luck with that.

Gordon in the morning: Breaking the Seal

2012-01-23T07:57:00.000Z

The news that Seal is to divorce from Heidi Klum is like journalistic viagra to Gordon this morning. Why? Because it allows him to wheel out the tabloid's favourite old trope:

[Other divorcing celebs] may have valid reasons but neither can compete with a national rivalry that's sparked two world wars and two semi-final defeats on penalties.

Seal said: "We certainly have differences of opinion. I mean, she's German and I'm English, so if I said we didn't have differences of opinion, no one would believe that."

I suppose the grinding out of world wars and football is relatively restrained; if Piers Morgan was still in charge of the Bizarre telephones, it'd doubtless be photoshopped pointy helmets and 'for you Fritz, ze marriage is over'.

Seal appears to have been trying to signal the end of the affair during an interview last year, which Gordon reprints for a spot of hindsight:

He said: "One of the things that we disagree over is Christmas, she opens presents on the December 24.

"I just don't see the logic in it, it's Christmas, ie, Jesus Christ? And last time I checked, Christ was born on 25 December. But you know what, pick your battles. That's one I don't bother with."

When Seal last checked Christ's date of birth - he did it online, because the opening hours at Bethlehem Registry Office are really poor - the certificate clearly stated "December 25th 0BC". Which proves that you have to open presents on that day.

It's reported Seal spent Christmas Eve last year refusing to let people in to Midnight Mass, on the grounds that it started the day before Jesus was born. "You're WRONG" he screamed. "Wrong, wrong, wrong." Before breaking into huge sobs.

Sharp observers might note that Seal "doesn't bother" with the Christmas thing, besides telling everyone else about it.

Also going their separate ways: Jai McDowall and Simon Cowell.

Jai McDowall. Of course you remember.

Actually, no, I didn't, either. Apparently he won Britain's Got Talent last year. His first album as part of his prize came out last month. Cowell has already checked his watch, though:

Cowell admitted: "I was disappointed with Jai. He wasn't what I was looking for.

"You want a Diversity or Susan Boyle, someone who is a genuine star. He is talented but the show can do better. None of the finalists were up to scratch."

Cowell blamed 2011 judges David Hasselhoff, Michael McIntyre and Amanda Holden and "possibly" show producers too.

Obviously, the guy had the charisma and talent of one of those small bags of salt you used to get in a packet of crisps, albeit without the versatility. But fair's fair, Cowell: if you make people jump through your hoops, then you should at least give them a fair crack of the whip. You've created a monster; it's your poop to own.

This week just gone

2012-01-22T12:03:00.000Z

Five years ago today, these were the current stories that were most-read:

1. Pete Wentz wails about leaking ruins his artistic vision
2. RIP: Denny Doherty
3. Jo O'Meara's views on Indian food
4. Jo O'Meara - the real victim
5. Big Day Out bans flags
6. Victoria Newton confused that She's Madonna video features nobody who looks like Madonna
7. Robbie Williams is like an ordinary bloke from Stoke
8. Ofcom investigates racist bullying inside Celebrity Big Brother studio
9. Gennaro Castaldo explains how Chris Moyles broke the charts
10. News Of The World thrilled by MySpace's role in making Lily Allen a big US star (none of those things are ringing a bell... anyone?

This week's interesting releases:

Enter Shikari - A Flash Flood Of Colour

Download A Flash Flood Of Colour

Guided By Voices - Let's Go Eat The Factory

Download Let's Go Eat The Factory

Casiokids - Aabenbaringen Over Aaskammen

Download Aabenbaringen Over Aaskammen

The Big Pink - Future This

Download Future This

Diagrams - Black Light

Download Black Light

Anni DiFranco - Which Side Are You On?

Download Which Side Are You On?

Biohazard involved in sickness

2012-01-21T13:55:00.001Z

Scott Roberts out of Biohazard has fallen unwell. The band shouted a statement:

"After spending the whole day getting tests done to no avail, he checks himself out of the hospital to make the show just in time to KICK FUCKING ASS and help us blow the roof off of Deinze! That's the crazy vegetarian hardcore dude he is! After the show, he's rushed back to the hospital! Anyone else would had canceled the tour! SCOTT ROCKS!" The band adds, "Scott is still in the hospital, but judging by his hardcore spirit and having BIOHAZARD blood in his veins, he'll beat this shit! Get ready, Oberhausen!!"

Surely if he's got Biohazard blood in his veins, that's the most likely cause of the illness, right?

Right Said what now?

2012-01-21T13:52:00.000Z

There is a serious point in the Evening Argus piece about going deaf at gigs, but there's also something a bit puzzling about it:

A music fan has warned fellow rockers too many concerts could make them deaf like her.

Sue Burgess said years of going to performances by the likes of Right Said Fred had contributed to the severe hearing problems she and husband Tony have both developed.

Now, it's true that the Burgesses have seen Right Said Fred, but later on there's a bit more depth to their musical tastes:

Mr and Mrs Burgess have been to see everyone from Metallica to Madonna.

They have seen Cilla Black twice, Lionel Richie, The Spice Girls and Bruce Springsteen.

They have also watched Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Motörhead, The Rolling Stones, The Who and many more.

She was also at the Brighton Dome gig 40 years ago when Pink Floyd previewed The Dark Side of the Moon.

She added: “My favourites are Metallica, Black Sabbath plus Iron Maiden. But I have a soft spot for Will Young.”

Why with that range of mainly-rockist acts would you describe the gigs as being by the "likes of Right Said Fred"? It's like writing about an Olympic athlete, noticing something he did during his schooldays and describing him as competing in contests like the egg-and-spoon race.

By the way - putting on a serious face - one of my favourite charities, Denver's CHSL, does a lot of good work with people who experience hearing loss. If you've got a little to spare, you could help their work.

Glitter on Twitter wasn't Gary Glitter

2012-01-21T11:54:00.000Z

Get ready for a shock: the Gary Glitter twitter account wasn't actually Gary Glitter at all.

I know, I know. You'll need a moment or two to process this SHOCKING NEWS.

So, what was the motivation behind pretending to be a paedophile on the internet?

To, erm, prove that the internet is full of paedophiles pretending not to be.

@OfficialGlitter was a fake account. But imagine if it hadn’t have been. I’ve got almost 20,000 followers now. That’s 20,000 people I can send private and direct messages to. That’s hundreds of thousands of photos I can view. Imagine for a second, I set up a profile saying I was a “Justin Bieber Fan Club”. How many young girls would follow me? I hazard a guess at a few thousand. The scary thing is that most parents wouldn’t bat an eye-lid at their child following a profile that seems to promote their favourite singer.

I can't help thinking that if you really don't want paedophiles lurking about misleading children, offering online advice about the best way to do it might be a little self-defeating.

The person who pretended to be Glitter - "Ben" - also fumed that his eye-catching social experiment, erm, caught people's eyes:

Another interesting point that shocked me, was how very little effort it took to get the UK Media to freely promote this fictional “comeback tour”. Supposedly trusted and reliable media sources were providing me with free publicity and promoting awareness of the fictional Glitter tour/album/book.

The following sites brought in a massive increase in followers to the page within the first 24 hours by featuring a story/article on the Twitter page:

NME Magazine, Huffington Post, The Daily Sun, The Metro, ITN, Music Rooms.net, Yahoo.com, WebProNews.com, Vice.com and StereoBoard.com

How low do the media have to sink to sell newspapers or boost ratings? Do they actually have to lower themselves to promoting a convicted paedophile’s twitter page which could have potentially brought sales for Glitter’s (fictional) books or music? They would be responsible for putting money into Glitter’s pocket.

Ben seems a bit confused here. His 20,000 followers somehow proves something, he admits that a lot of those came about because of media coverage, and says that's bad, but at the same time:

I’d like to thank everyone who knew about this experiment and the people who helped me bring this matter to the public.

Didn't the main way this 'experiment' worked was by the media bringing the Glitter account to the public's attention?

Ben wanted to create a public outcry over the presence of Glitter on Twitter to make his point. Without the media covering the account, there would have been no outcry; no 'proof'. He's suggesting that the press should have ignored the Glitter account, but at the same time says it's great that there was an anti-Glitter furore. It's a bit like this hadn't really been thought through, isn't it?

And surely the notoriety of Glitter meant "his" account got attention in the way a common-or-garden paediophile (even one being Justin Beiber's fan club) would never have picked up? Doesn't that undermine the claims?

More to the point, most of the positive followers appear to be older people with a nostalgic connection to Glitter. However much you might worry about their taste and ethics, this account wasn't proving to be a massive lure to children. What exactly did Ben think he's proved here?

Ben rails at the media promoting the tour and book and music of his made-up Gadd. But didn't his account also promote Glitter's music? Won't he have sparked a few sales and put a few quid in the old man's pockets just by his work alone?

More worryingly for Ben, he also revealed there's a lot of people in the UK who feel excited at the idea of a Glitter tour. He might have thought he was making a point about creeps online. Instead, he's done some valuable market research to help prep a Glitter comeback. Good work, Ben.

Beyonce gets an honour

2012-01-21T11:21:00.001Z

Grammys are fine, Brits are like Grammys but not quite as good, but surely no honour can be higher than that gifted to Beyonce: Having a horsefly named after her.

The fly probably drinks blood and so survives by sucking off horses. However, it has two similarities with Beyonce: it was discovered the year she was born, and... what was it, Bryan Lessard, that led you to the name?

He says he wanted to pay respect to the insect’s beauty by naming it Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae.

Lessard said Beyonce would be “in the nature history books forever” and that the fly now bearing her name is “pretty bootylicious” with its golden backside.

Hang about - an Australian fly with a distinctive golden arse?

Someone's going to be angry as hell...

Big Chill: Olympics ruins it for music fans

2012-01-21T11:10:00.002Z

The Olympics - apparently some sort of superannuated sports day - was already a major part of the decision for Glastonbury to take a year off; Now it's claimed the Big Chill as well:

The Big Chill festival's Melvin Benn, Managing Director Festival Republic, said he considered changing the date of the festival but admitted he also faced problems of artist availability: “It is with a considerable amount of regret that I have decided not to go ahead with The Big Chill in 2012.

“I looked long and hard late last year at moving the date so it didn’t clash with the Olympics but with the mix of the festival fans desire to keep the date and an inability to find an alternative date that works, I plumped for maintaining the existing weekend. Sadly, the artist availability and confirmations we were achieving led me to conclude that I couldn’t risk going ahead with the event as an outdoor event this year.”

Never mind, eh, we can all watch the running and the jumping and the egg-and-spoon. That'll make up for it, right?

Gordon in the morning: White Stripes

2012-01-21T10:24:00.000Z

Someone off the X Factor is going to release a cover of Seven Nation Army. In the real world, this need bother nobody save for those who read the singles charts down past position 148; in Gordon's mind, though, it is the latest stage in some sort of fundamentalist conflict:

X FACTOR finalists always find a way to annoy indie fans – and now Marcus Collins is having a go.

They always do? I suppose by releasing poor quality records and hanging around on television for years, they annoy everyone, but that's not specifically targeting indie fans, is it?

The singer will cover The White Stripes' classic Seven Nation Army for his first single — after getting the nod from Jack White.

It's bound to have White's fans burning their black jeans and red T-shirts in horror.

I know, I know: "black jeans". You have to wonder about all those factcheckers Smart told Leveson he had when he can't even get someone to google a picture of the White Stripes to see what colour their trousers are.

It doesn't make sense anyway: why would you burn your clothes because someone did a cover of the song? Wouldn't you burn something related to the person who made the new version?

Still, maybe Marcus' version will add something, not destroy it:

The song has been reworked into a pop track which will sound more Bruno Mars than Jack and Meg.

Oh, sweet Jesus. I'm going off to burn all jeans, of all colours.

Legendobit: Etta James

2012-01-20T16:50:00.001Z

Just heard the not entirely unexpected news that Etta James has died. A fuller obituary will follow.

Update: As befits a legend, there are numerous detailed obituaries available - as ever, The New York Times is a good place to start:

Ms. James was not easy to pigeonhole. She is most often referred to as a rhythm and blues singer, and that is how she made her name in the 1950s with records like “Good Rockin’ Daddy.” She is in both the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the Blues Hall of Fame.

She was also comfortable, and convincing, singing pop standards, as she did in 1961 with “At Last,” which was written in 1941 and originally recorded by Glenn Miller’s orchestra. And among her four Grammy Awards (including a lifetime-achievement honor in 2003) was one for best jazz vocal performance, which she won in 1995 for the album “Mystery Lady: Songs of Billie Holiday.”

The Guardian might not have thought through every claim:

The 1974 album Come a Little Closer, recorded while she was in rehab at a psychiatric hospital, features James at her best.

Artistically, perhaps. But being in a psych ward is hardly likely to be anyone's personal best.
The BBC coughs gently to remind people that while she might have owned At Last, she didn't originate it:

The title track, a cover of a 1941 number first performed by Glen Miller, was to become her signature tune, much played at weddings because of the sweet orchestral arrangement.

But for all the words and the warmth, the best way to remember James is the music.

Just like the old days

2012-01-20T08:09:00.000Z

I suspect the RIAA will be secretly delighted at having been included on Anonymous' attacks on various copyright industry sites; they've been so long eclipsed by the MPAA in the 'trying to shore up a business model that no longer exists' lobbying that they'll just be delighted anyone bothered to take them down.

I'm picturing the RIAA trying to look cross while thinking "oh, this is like the good old days when our site was booted offline every three or four days. We've still got it..."

On a more serious note, the loss of Megaupload is a shame; it was one of the most usable of the filesharing sites. What the US government has done, at the behest of the people who pay for the comfy seats in their offices, will take no unlicensed content off the internet. It simply removes a useful tool for the rest of us.

Gordon in the morning: It's complicated

2012-01-20T07:47:00.001Z

Really, Gordon? 2012, and you still think there's mileage in giggling about Facebook's use of 'poke'?

Your chance to poke Wayne Rooney’s face

Elsewhere in The Sun, a large swathe of the paper is handed over to Simon Cowell to try and relaunch his leaky World Of New Faces.

It has all the grace and attraction of those panicked Tesco full-page adverts that popped up in the press this week - and has the same sense of an organisation that never expected to fail flapping about trying to cope with suddenly slamming into reverse.

Speaking to The Sun prior to today's start of BGT auditions in Manchester, Cowell also confessed he had poached Alesha Dixon to join BGT from Strictly Come Dancing to wound the hit BBC1 show.

Given that Strictly doesn't go head-to-head with X Factor, never mind Britain's Got Talent, it's hard to see why Cowell needs to bother about wounding Strictly.

In effect, he's saying he took Dixon on not because he thought he she'd be great at telling people doing dog-and-pony-ventriloquism how great they were, but simply because he thought it'd make a different programme less watchable. It's like those slimy blokes who break up relationships not because they're in love with someone else, but just for the joy of ruining lives.

Dixon must be thrilled to discover that what attracted Cowell to her judging was, erm, the thought of an empty seat next to Len Goodman.

The trouble is, it suggests that Cowell is even further out of things than 2011 showed. Nobody comes away from Strictly talking about Alesha's judging; she's pretty much always been panel-paddage. Perhaps Cowell should concentrate more on trying to raise the standards of his clapped-out shows rather than trying to spoil something everyone else quite enjoys.

Tom Dickins takes on SOPA

2012-01-19T08:51:00.000Z

As part of the internet sort of went dark yesterday ("I can turn something called javascript off to see Wikipedia. What's javescript, thought? I know, I'll check Wikipe... nooooo...") Tom Dickins made his own protest, sending an open letter to remind Congress that the copyright industry doesn't actually speak for everyone who makes things:

This is the economic reality of being a musician in the 21st century. The people who can and want to spend money on your music, will. The people who either can’t or won’t spend the cash will ALSO support you! They will rock up to your gigs, spread the word to their 100 friends and it will ripple outwards and reach unfathomable distances. The possibilities are so much greater now compared to the days when it took being signed to a big label to get you on Video Hits.

To underline the point, he also made his music available for free as well.

Bookmarks: Lawrence

2012-01-19T08:03:00.000Z

How great is it that after all these years, Lawrence from Go Cart Mozart/Denim/Felt is finally getting the love and attention that he's always deserved? Okay, we're still some way from seeing Cowell choosing We Are The Supermodels as this year's song for the winners of X factor to destroy, but the Met Police have confirmed that unlike in the past, Lawrence could manage to get himself arrested. The Quietus celebrates with an interview:

When Paul said to me, 'My next film is going to be about you', I said, 'OK then', but I said, 'I don't want to make an ordinary film, I don't want any talking heads, I don't want you to go to any people who know me and get a critique or anything like that, what I don't want to see in a documentary is someone who's been in a band years ago and then you see them and the other band members fat and old with grey hair sitting in a pub reminiscing. I hate that, it's just such a boring technique. Paul said exactly the same, he didn't want to make that sort of film in any case.

Gordon in the morning: An exotic world

2012-01-19T07:50:00.001Z

There's some tatty pap snaps of Florence out of the machine in Brazil on Gordon's pages today, which means Gordon has to do one of his say-what-you-see bits of text underneath to try and explain why what might look to the outside world of a seedy invasion of the privacy of a woman in a bikini is actually a proper news story:

She took a right soaking playing underneath this waterfall in Brazil.

It's such an exotic setting you're half expecting[...]

Yes? What, Gordon, is the acme of exoticism? What is the most exotic thing that you can think of? Choose well, my son, for the photo you have is of a woman dancing in a waterfall in South America, which sets the exoticism level quite high. Obviously, you'll have to come up with something more exotic than that. Go on, Gordon, tell us how exotic the photo is:

It's such an exotic setting you're half expecting the Timotei shampoo model to appear and join in the fun.

I'm... I'm not even sure "the Timotei shampoo model" is even a category of thing, you know. It's not like, say, an American Apparel model which has crossed into being the sort of person who you can picture even if you don't know who they are or what they're modelling.

Embed and breakfast man: St Vincent

2012-01-17T08:55:00.000Z

Back in 1977, Saturday Night Live had a contest to allow a viewer to become a host for the night. It was won by Miskel Spillman, an 80 year-old, who found herself hosting the Christmas show for that season. Her record as the oldest person to present the collection of overlong sketches and overused characters would stand until the beatification of Betty White; her record as the only non-showbiz presenter stands.

Her programme also holds a footnote in musical history.

Originally, the musical guests were supposed to be the Sex Pistols. Their criminal records made getting them to the studios something of a challenge, and instead Elvis Costello was parachuted into the show. He was under orders to play Less Than Zero - already well-known in America - but a short way in, Costello stopped the song and with the words "I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, there's no reason to do this song here", the band launched into Radio Radio.

I know, you're yelling "I know all this - what has this to do with now?" at your internet-connected device. But the backstory makes St Vincent's appearance on Conan last night all the more enjoyable:

Gordon in the morning: Bitch this, bitch that was the flavor of the month

2012-01-17T07:49:00.001Z

Another one of those days when Gordon's lead story is, erm, transcribing Jay-Z lyrics. Apparently Mr Z has realised that throwing the word "bitch" around isn't on:

The ode, which is doing the rounds in the US, includes the lines: "Before I got in the game, made a change and got rich/I didn't think hard about using the word bitch/I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it/Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it."

It continues: "I never realised while on the fast track that I'd give riddance to the word bitch/To leave her innocence intact/No man will degrade her, or call her name/Forever young you may pass/Blue Ivy Carter, my angel."

Gordon, of course, stands up every single story he runs, ever - he told the Leveson enquiry so much while under oath. It makes it a little strange, then, that he adds this:

Last night some Jay-Z fans were questioning whether the poem was legit after refusing to believe he'd go that far.

Actually, more or less as soon the poem appeared people questioned if it was genuine. Which means that not only is Smart leading his column transcribing a poem, it's a poem that even he admits he has no idea if it's a real one or not.

This is, of course, a paper from the same stable that ran The Hitler Diaries with a little story going 'ooh, actually these might be made up'.

It is an interesting story if it is true, although the poem could be real without the emotions being genuine - unless Jay-Z intends to remove all the songs that use "bitch" and "woman" as synonym from his back catalogue, there's a big 'so what?'

More interesting still to see Smart try to explain why the story is worth our attention even if it isn't a real one:

Whether it is or not, Beyonce will be all for Jay cleaning up his language.

'It doesn't matter if this is a story based on a falsehood, as I suspect someone I don't know would want it to be true'. Classic.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Vinyl returns

2012-01-16T19:33:00.001Z

The 405 doesn't name the spokesperson, but surely in these hard times HMV can't have many spokestypes hanging about to offer this view on the expansion of vinyl:

A spokesperson for HMV said "A lot of customers have been asking us to increase the amount of racking we dedicate to music in store and we're pleased to say we'll be doing a lot more of that soon - in fact we're also planning to significantly increase our range of vinyl in quite a few locations as well."

The slow spread of vinyl back into "quite a few locations" is a great idea. Let's hope it can outrun the creeping collapse of the chain.

Madonna wins a Golden Globe for her Masterpiece

2012-01-16T19:28:00.000Z

Ooh, naughty Foreign Press Association. Could there be any more backhanded gesture than giving a prize to Madonna's movie WE - but for one of Madge's songs that sits on the soundtrack.

What makes it even worse - by which I mean delicious - is that Madonna is on record as having felt the music work was a distraction from her main role on the movie. She grumbled that doing the song took her focus on crushing the life out of the story:

"[Guy Oseary] harangued me for the entire time I was filming and editing my movie to write a song. And I said, 'Please, Guy, I'm trying to focus on being a director and I want people to pay attention to the film and I don't have time.'"

And here comes the Golden Globes, effectively handing Madonna a prize marked "don't give up the day job".

Kid Rock says sorry

2012-01-16T19:18:00.001Z

Who knew that Kid Rock would apologise for something after all?

Admittedly, he's said sorry for smoking in a no-smoking venue, but it's still the first step in turning over a new leaf.

At this rate, we might get a 'sorry' for Rock & Roll Jesus by Christmas.

Gordon in the morning: Wanted on voyage

2012-01-16T07:52:00.001Z

There's no explanation in Gordon Smart's story about why Mike Tyson is supposedly going to take The Wanted on a tour round Las Vegas. Beyond this:

After hearing that the band were stopping off at Sin City during their trip to the States, the ex-heavyweight boxing champion got in touch with their management and asked if he could be the one to show them around.

That clearly isn't true, is it? I struggle to believe that Tyson flicks through We [heart] Pop to find out which third-string boybands are going to be in town in order to drive them to Denny's.

What is surprising, though, is that The Wanted's puppetmasters think that having their band link up with the violent, convicted rapist works for their brand in the first place.

Tom said: "I can't believe Mike Tyson wants to take us out in Las Vegas. All I keep thinking about is his part in The Hangover — it'll be The Hangover Part 3 with The Wanted boys.

"He wants to show us all the bars, clubs and hotels, it will be sick."

Well, incredibly inappropriate, at the very least. Do the kids still say that?

This week just gone

2012-01-15T10:14:00.002Z

Geeky stats this week - these are the most-popular No Rock years, in terms of numbers of stories from that year read so far in 2012:

1. 2012
2. 2011
3. 2005
4. 2006
5. 2008
6. 2010
7. 2009
8. 2004
9. 2003
10. 2002

These were the more interesting releases of the week:

Laura Gibson - La Grande

Download La Grande

Wedding Present - Live 1990

Download Live 1990

Terry Hall - Best Of

Download Colourfield - Deception

Rend Collective Experiment - Homemade Worship By Handmade People

Download Homemade Worship...

Gordon in the morning: Those who fail to learn from Michael Jackson tribute concerts are doomed to repeat it

2012-01-14T10:57:00.001Z

There's nothing wrong with the idea of a tribute concert from Amy Winehouse. There's nothing wrong with staging it to raise money for the uh, you know, that charity thing.

But surely people have learned by now that the way to destroy an event is to oversell it before it's organised?

THE Amy Winehouse tribute concert later this year is taking shape.
[...]
Mitch is talking to TV companies about airing the show and is considering making it pay-per-view, so it makes as much cash as possible.

[A source said] "Big artists will be booked from both sides of the Atlantic so people will want to see it. It will be a huge event."

I hope it is a huge event; I hope it does raise loads of money. But surely we can all agree that this sort of trumpeting before anything is signed runs the risk of over-hyping expectations and can end up with what would be a great event looking like a shadow of the early promise. Nobody wants that.

Norton my watch: Madonna meets Graham

2012-01-14T10:32:00.003Z

The most useful thing about last night's Madonna appearance on the usually quite-good Graham Norton chatshow was it demonstrated how well the regular format works. All the guests, on stage for all the programme, makes something watchable.

Madonna, though, didn't have to share. This, in itself, was distracting. Why was Madge given the sofa to herself? Was that an offer from Norton's side? That seems unlikely; stars bigger and better than Madonna have squeezed in alongside others.

So was it a demand from Madonna, or her people? Was the cost of getting her on the show an edict that she wouldn't be sitting alongside, say, Nick Knowles and Mark Watson for the duration?

If so, it was a terrible deal for both sides. Shorn of the usual dynamic, Norton's show dragged like the late-period Jonathan Ross on in the same slot used to. For Madonna, she visibly relaxed and her performance improved when she did get some team-mates - the stars of her Wallace Simpson film were brough on towards the end. Madonna, and the viewers, were thankful for the assistance.

Oh, and what a film she's made. If the two tiny clips from WE had been chosen to try and fight against the early notices, they didn't choose well. Clip one was all spinning headlines and newsreel establishment, like the worst sort of wartime potboiler; the second featured stilted dialogue, horrible editing and a ballroom of people dancing to different music from the one on the soundtrack. The suspicion is that Andrea Riseborough took the role as a bet to see if her acting could breathe life into anything; the sense is that she's lost that bet.

Madonna was unintentionally hilarious when talking about making the film, suggesting that she was worried that she might somehow upset the Royal Family by telling a story about the former King. Odd, given that she did so much research it never occurred to her that ITV's 1978 Edward And Mrs Simpson series might have been the point where the Windsors figured that the tale was in the public domain.

There was an awkward sequence with two Italian fans who create Madonna dolls; to be fair to the pop star, I think she was trying for ironic, warm amusement but - curiously unable to show emotion on her face - she spent most of the segment staring at these two men who clearly adored her as if they were gun-toting simpletons.

Being mainly designed to try and drag WE out the dumper, there wasn't very much about music; everyone pretended they hadn't already heard the MDNA album title and pretended that it was a clever rather than desperate idea.

They did touch on piracy, though, Graham and Madge clumping through what sounded like a prearranged trot through 'these people say they're my fans but they access my music illegally' set-piece. This was the biggest failure of the hour; surely, surely, any organic discussion of piracy where a millionaire announces that she's had a bloke thrown in prison for the "criminal offence" of having one or two of her tunes before he should demands some sort of follow-up question. Or at the very least, a cheeky 'if he's heard the song before the production goes on, surely he's suffered enough?'

Instead, this looked like a handing of a chunk of primetime BBC One to a businessperson to push a certain political line on piracy which went totally unchallenged.

The big question, then: Madonna on the show, a new album in the offing - what sort of song did she do?

None, of course. Emili Sande was dragged on to do the performance. Madonna is Madonna. You don't think she's going to sing for her supper, do you?

Gordon in the morning: Corden in the morning

2012-01-13T08:42:00.000Z

One of the poorer decisions the Brits organisers have made in recent years - besides 'let's do it next year, yes? With the same shortlists?' - was locking in James Corden as host for years and years and years.

To be fair, they are sticking with the pledge and bringing him back to die painfully on ITV for a couple of hours. Which is fascinating, given how the rest of the music industry will dump contracts at the first sniff of underperformance.

It's good news for Gordon, though, who - you'll recall - clutched his sides with delight at Corden's bon mots.

Gordon and Corden caught up at the Brits launch, where James took the chance to show off his musical chops:

He said at the nominations bash: "Damon is a shining light in British culture so I always get slightly starstruck.

"It will be an honour to be in the same room as him.

"Blur winning their Outstanding Contribution award will be special.

"There hasn't been a more important band."

There hasn't been a more important band than Blur? I mean, I like Blur. Like most people, I've stood in a draughty Polytechnic hall thinking "if he brings that sodding speakerstack down on our heads, I'm not going to be happy" and have enjoyed their work ever since. I wouldn't even argue against the idea that they've been a significant band. I don't begrudge the prize they're being given in order to get a couple of songs from them to close the show.

But there hasn't ever been a more important band? It's a bit like thinking that Stephen Fry is the greatest public intellectual of our times.

Brits 2012: There are some categories that Adele cannot qualify for

2012-01-13T08:03:00.000Z

A world where Ed Sheeran and Noel Gallagher are measured against each other feels less like a glittering awards ceremony and more like some sort of triage event.

My advice would be to not look at the 'best British single' category, which contains such miseries as to cause Mr Happy to stare blankly into the future muttering "I hope the Mayans are right".

There's a couple of surprises - the appearance of Lady Antebellum in the 'international band category' is so ill-judged it's like when you get one of those paid-for Tweets from Zoosk popping up in your Twitter stream.

And Chase And Status does at least offer a rare indication that the Brit awards judges have noticed that it's no longer 1982, even though they're so unlikely to win their name appears on the shortlist in pencil.

The Adele v PJ Harvey battle in best British album is perhaps the first time in years there's been a genuinely interesting clash in any category.

PJ Harvey releases one of the best albums of the year, and yet isn't considered one of the best female solo artists of the year; likewise, Kate Bush - who didn't tour, nor played live - is one of the best female solo artists, but her record isn't good enough for the album shortlist. Curious.

The shortlist in full, then:

British Male Solo Artist
Ed Sheeran
James Blake
James Morrison
Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds
Professor Green

British Female Solo Artist
Adele
Florence & the Machine
Jessie J
Kate Bush
Laura Marling

British Breakthrough Act
Anna Calvi
Ed Sheeran
Emeli Sandé
Jessie J
The Vaccines

British Group
Arctic Monkeys
Chase & Status
Coldplay
Elbow
Kasabian

British Single
Adele - Someone Like You
Ed Sheeran - The A Team
Example - Changed The Way You Kissed Me
Jessie J ft Bob - Price Tag
JLS ft Dev - She Makes Me Wanna
Military Wives/Gareth Malone - Wherever You Are
Olly Murs ft Rizzle Kicks - Heart Skips A Beat
One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful
Pixie Lott - All About Tonight
The Wanted - Glad You Came

British Album of the Year
Adele - 21
Coldplay - Mylo Xyloto
Ed Sheeran - +
Florence & The Machine - Ceremonials
PJ Harvey - Let England Shake

International Male Solo Artist
Aloe Blacc
Bon Iver
Bruno Mars
David Guetta
Ryan Adams

International Female Solo Artist
Beyoncé
Bjork
Feist
Lady Gaga
Rihanna

International Group
Fleet Foxes
Foo Fighters
Jay Z/ Kanye West
Lady Antebellum
Maroon 5

International Breakthrough Act
Aloe Blacc
Bon Iver
Foster The People
Lana Del Rey
Nicki Minaj

Outstanding Contribution to Music
WINNER:
Blur

Critics Choice
1st - Emeli Sandé
2nd - Maverick Sabre
3rd - Michael Kiwanuka

British Producer
Paul Epworth
Flood
Ethan Johes

Avoid the Hard Rock chain

2012-01-12T23:08:00.002Z

Obviously, nobody goes near the Hard Rock places unless they absolutely have to, but there's even better reason to steer clear. The Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando is apparently catching cats on its property and having them slaughtered. You might want to consider taking your business elsewhere.

Gordon in the morning: On target

2012-01-12T07:45:00.000Z

At Leveson this week, Gordon explained to the judge the extraordinary lengths his team go to in order to make sure not a word of untruth appears on their pages.

And yet if you hit the Lady GaGa joins darts team, it gives a hollow ring.

At best, this seems to be 'GaGa throws a couple of darts' which has been baked up into a wider story, with the inevitable photoshop slapping of GaGa's head onto a dart player's body and insane conclusions:

It's a shame she wasn't over at Christmas when the PDC World Darts Championship was on at Alexandra Palace, north London. The event would be right up her street, especially as she enjoys sinking a pint or two.

This is a bit like grandparents who, one day, hear you say "I liked today's Peanuts" and conclude this a coded way of asking for all gifts in the future to be Snoopy-themed. You toss a couple of darts? Why, clearly, you'd want to spend all your time watching darts and playing darts and talking about darts forever.

Still, let's just admire the hours and hours of diligent fact-checking that must have gone in to standing up the original claims.

On Madonna's new album title

2012-01-11T19:50:00.002Z

Really, Madonna? MDNA? Combining none-more-noughties PRMLSCRM-style Only Connect vowel-dropping with "Snurkle! It's Like The DRUCKS" common room yuks.

I don't know if Clapped Out was on the shortlist, but it would have had the same effect.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Farewell, Fareham

2012-01-11T08:43:00.001Z

HMV tried a pop-up store over Christmas in Fareham, to which the town is now waving goodbye.

Gennaro Castaldo, HMV's pop-up press person, explains at length why (although "it was a pop-up store for Christmas" is all that was really needed):

‘We were pleased with our short-lease store in Fareham and would like to thank our customers for their valued support,’ he said.

‘In an ideal world I’m sure we’d love to have a more permanent presence in the town.

‘But whilst our retail offer may be viable for us during the run-up to Christmas when most big releases tend to come out, it’s less so across the rest of the year when sales are much lower and costs such as rent are much greater in relation to turnover.

‘If we traded the year-round, as we’d ideally like to do, it’s possible the site could lose money, whereas having a temporary store at this very busy time of year enables us to provide a valuable service to customers when they are most likely to require it, hopefully also allowing us to make a return while employing a number of staff in the process.’

I'm sure a tear rolled down Gennaro's cheek as he said "a permanent store might lose money" - given that the company lost £40million in the last six months, if HMV went round closing down stores at a risk of making a loss there wouldn't be a lot left.

There's an implication here, though, that the temporary Fareham store paid for itself, which could offer a glimmer of hope for HMV: could it become a movable feats, opening up temporary shops when there's some demand and not having to pay for large, empty shops at times when older people aren't out buying records? Keep a couple of flagship stores and a strong online presence the rest of the year. It's got to stand a better chance than trying to keep going by selling overpriced headphones.

Michael Gira tour dates

2012-01-11T08:07:00.000Z

What's nice about the PR shoot for Michael Gira's European tour is that it just has the dates and a photo.

There are some people who don't need overselling:

04-Apr IRE Dublin Button Factory
05-Apr UK Belfast Black Box
06-Apr UK Glasgow St Andrew's Church in the Square
07-Apr UK London Cafe Otto
09-Apr F Paris Le Point Ephémère
10-Apr NL Amsterdam Paradiso Upstairs
11-Apr B Kortrijk De Kreun
12-Apr NL Tilburg Roadburn Festival - Midi Theater
14-Apr DK Copenhagen, Loppen
15-Apr DK Aalborg Studenterhuset
17-Apr N Oslo John Dee Club inside Rockafeller
18-Apr N Stravanger Cementen
19-Apr S Stockholm Debaser Slussen
21-Apr FIN Helsinki Korjaamo Culture Factory
22-Apr D Berlin Roter Saloon inside Volksbuhne
23-Apr A Vienna Chelsea Club
25-Apr CH Lausanne Le Bourg
26-Apr CH Düdingen Café Bad Bonn
27-Apr I Ravenna Bronson Club
28-Apr I Florence Sala Vanni
29-Apr I Rome Chiesa evangelica metodista
01-May CH Zurich Exil

This sort of thing, live:

Gordon in the morning: Health matters

2012-01-11T07:52:00.002Z

Here's something that Leveson might like to ponder. Earlier this week Sun editor Dominic Mohan and showbiz editor Gordon Smart appeared before the judge, insisting that theirs was an ethical, sound newspaper.

Today, there's rather a lot about Robin Gibb's health, matters which would appear to be private and without any real public interest justification.

Richard White, chief showbiz writer, has apparently spoken to a "close family pal" - one of those "close" "pals" who yaks to the newspapers about a sick friend; we all have those, right?

Obviously, if this was information Gibb and his family wanted being raked over by the newspaper, that close pal would be happy to speak on the record, yes?

And just in case there was any doubt:

His spokesman would not comment.

Why is The Sun printing details about a seriously ill person who clearly doesn't want to have that information in the public domain? Maybe Justice Leveson could bring back a couple of Sun people and ask them to show their thinking.

Beyonce ruins birth experience for less-rich mothers

2012-01-10T09:00:00.001Z

Congratulations to Beyonce and Jay-Z, of course. But, boy, did you really have to be such douches to everyone else who needed to use the hospital?

The New York Times reports:

The familiar area outside the neonatal unit had been transformed: partitions had been put up, the maternity ward windows were completely covered, and even the hospitals’ security cameras had been taped over with paper. Guards with Secret Service-style earpieces roamed the floor.

“We were told we could walk no further,” Ms. Nash-Coulon said Monday. And when she and her husband, Neil, demanded an explanation, she added, the guard claimed, unconvincingly, “ ‘Well, they’re handling hazardous materials,’ ” even as a large group of people screened from view were passing through the main hallway he had declared off-limits.

The most worrying aspect of this is the shutting off of the hospital's security cameras. Sure, Beyonce had people. Who was looking after the other kids?

Mel B appears to need some money

2012-01-10T08:11:00.000Z

That, surely, is the only motivation for trying to get the idea of another Spice Girls disinterring going:

Asked about rumours linking the group to an Olympics show, she said: "I would never say never. I think it's possible. I'd love it if we got back together and got to go on tour."

To be fair, it's not like she's going to be touring a solo album or anything soon.

Refused again

2012-01-10T08:04:00.001Z

Here's one I don't think anybody saw coming: Refused have reformed.

It's been a motley 14 years since our band came apart. We've all kept busy in our respective endeavors but we've all remained friends and kept in touch. There have been offers, and lots of jokes about these offers. We've sort of looked down from our high horses and made fun of people who've just wanted to share the psychopathic intensity that we would deliver on a nightly basis in our post-pubescent prime. A reunion has just seemed irrelevant to us. Too much other shit to do.

But then Kristofer got his degree from the Swedish opera academy, Jons medical studies began drawing to a close and Dennis and David started a new hardcore band together. Finally, after a decade and a half hiatus, Kristofer picked up the guitar again. Which made David want to play the drums again. Which in turn led to all four of us suddenly making new music in assorted constellations. As all this was brewing, Coachella got in touch.

There is going to be a point where Coachella starts to run out of bands to drag out of their various crypts.

Gordon in the morning: Hair appointment

2012-01-10T07:47:00.000Z

It's a miracle there's anything on Bizarre today - not only because Gordon was busy explaining what a tight ship he runs over at the Leveson Enquiry yesterday, but because we now know the hours and hours and hours put into making sure all the stories are true and accurate. Who knows what lengths the Smarties went to in order to check whether the lyrics to a Jay-Z song were true, for example?

Still, some sort of kudos to the subs for sneaking a reference to Smart's day in court into an otherwise pointless bit on Wayne Rooney's ridiculous new Young James Herriot hairdo:

Looks like Rooney’s had the hairdryer treatment

Surely a reference to Gordon's evidence:

Smart says he has heard it mentioned that working for the Sun is like being centre forward for Manchester United; "if you don't score you'll get the hairdryer treatment and get dropped".

Drive-In comes back

2012-01-09T19:25:00.001Z

Strictly speaking, At The Drive-In aren't reuniting, they've just officially been on hiatus for eleven years.

But whatever you call it, they're back together:

. ”ATTENTION ! To whom it may concern: AT THE DRIVE-IN will be breaking their 11 year silence THIS STATION IS …NOW…OPERATIONAL.”

To be honest, I don't think I'd ever noticed that they'd stopped working. It's a bit like when one of those people you didn't realise had still been alive until their obituary appears.

"Are you free, BRMB?" "I'm free"

2012-01-09T19:18:00.001Z

Orion, the owners of BRMB in Birmingham, have decided to change the station's name.

To Free Radio Birmingham.

God help us all.

{Phil] Riley, the chief executive of Orion Media, said: "The decision to change the name of our stations after each one has been broadcasting in their areas under their original names for so long has not been easy or one that we have taken lightly.

"We have given this a great deal of consideration and undertaken detailed research. The original on air names of each station means a lot to all of us at Orion, and we know and understand the deep affection many people have for those names.

"But" continued Riley "we really don't care."

Oh, hang on, he didn't say that:

"However, the radio market has changed dramatically recently and we have to adapt and respond."

It's not entirely clear what "dramatic changes" have meant the only logical response is to throw away four decades of brand recognition and heritage (Mercia, Beacon and Wyvern are also being shorn of their names.)

So, what's the thinking behind the name? Some might wonder about the chutzpah of using "free radio" - usually a sign of a rebel group broadcasting against a despotic government rather than a Top 40 hits station with the weather forecast sponsored by Anglian Windows. So, is this the International Brigade of broadcasting?

Riley said the "Free Radio" name was chosen because it was "easy to remember, easy to spell, and is flexible enough to work in a number of different ways. It's not free as in cheap, it's free as in freedom to have a bit more character".

Ah. Freedom to have more character. Created by taking four distinct stations, each with their own character, and imposing a bland, marketing-driven blanket name over the lot.

Gordon in the courtroom

2012-01-09T13:34:00.000Z

Gordon Smart has been giving "evidence" to the Leveson enquiry this morning; his written submission to the enquiry has just been published.

He seems to print an awful lot of photos of celebrity's kids for someone who takes the PCC code so seriously.

This bit is interesting, where Gordon talks about the use of "sources":

Without further corroboration, that story would not be published. This happens very occaSionally, For example, one member of my staff had a great contact linked to a female pop star. She was reluctant to reveal his/her identity because both she and her contact were aware I was close to the pop star in question and they had concerns about the contact’s anonymity being compromised. The story was published because I was able to corroborate the information officially through the PR company and my contacts.

Gordon also shares the process which went into the publication of the photo from Mani's mum's funeral, and - oh! - the heartbreaking difficulties he faced deciding to publish:

By way of example, this year I chose to print a picture of a band reunited for the first time in 20 years after an acrimonious split. The picture was taken by a pub barman at the wake of one of the band member’s mothers. After careful consideration I decided the story of their reunion was such a positive pieces of news, I felt we could publish the picture despite the circumstances in which it had been taken. The publication of this picture caused some upset at the time amongst certain relatives of the bereaved band member, but I have since spoken to him and he accepted that it was a fair decision to publish

You'll spot that the upset was amongst a number of relatives, who have turned into a "him" by the second clause of the sentence.

And you'd have to wonder at the mindset of a man who - even if a self-justification written months later - would think that it was "positive" that two people had met up at a funeral.

The other strange thing is that Gordon claims that all Bizarre stories are rigorously stood-up before publication; and yet this photo was published connected to a claim the Roses were reuniting. A tale which was pretty comprehensively rubbished as soon as it appeared. Unfortunately, Gordon's written evidence doesn't seek to connect how the story was simultaneously being stood up while being knocked down everywhere else. Perhaps a question for another day?

Twittergem: Lana Del Ray

2012-01-09T12:55:00.000Z

Magazine tweets that it's about to publish a feature about the making of a different magazine's feature. Journalim has collapsed:

Check out this week's GRAZIA (@grazia_live) for a look at the fabulous @LanaDelRey shoot that appears in this month's @QMagazine. Hot.
— Jess Blake (@jessicaruth) January 9, 2012

Gordon in the morning: Spray job

2012-01-09T07:43:00.001Z

Gordon's second-biggest story this morning is him looking a photo of Kelly Rowland and speculating.

What does he speculate?

KELLY Rowland's stylist must have used a whole can of hairspray to make her barnet stay in place for this shot.

It's really hard coming up with stories these days, huh, Gord?

HMV confirms a miserable Christmas

2012-01-09T07:30:00.003Z

HMV needed a good Christmas, or at least nothing worse than a mildly bad one. Santa didn't turn up.

Like-for-like sales were down 8.1% in the five weeks to the end of 2011. Unfortunately, given that they closed all those stores, this means actual total sales were down 16.6%.

Trying to find something positive to say, the former record shop chain offer that this is a "slowing" of the decline of the business. But presumably that's because there's not much left to fall away.

Kesha points to Achilles' Heel, asks not be shot there

2012-01-08T13:30:00.001Z

KeUSDha has announced to everyone that the next record will see her being vulnerable:

"I think that my first record was heavily influenced by Licensed To Ill and the Beastie Boys and that record is very brash and very sassy and very unapologetic and irreverent. And I love that," she told MTV. "I'm really proud of that, but I have learned over the past three years of doing this that being vulnerable doesn't mean you're weak.

"I very much want to be seen as a strong woman, but I realise that vulnerability can also be a strength."

Vulnerability, like eccentricity, can only really be pointed out by other people and not claimed for yourself, surely? I think what Kesha means is that her next record will demonstrate an understanding that vulnerability can also be a selling point.

Bowie at 65: Bookshelf

2012-01-08T12:03:00.001Z

Looking to read something a bit more substantial about Bowie? How about this:

This is Dave Thompson's To Major Tom, a made-up correspondence between a teenager and Bowie which sees the Dame's career twists reflecting the growing pains of a teenage boy. You can also get it for your Kindle, if you're into that sort of thing.

Angie Bowie has printed a couple of autobiographies, which focus on her time married to Dave. Because, after all, what else would she have to write about? The best one is the earlier, 1981's Free Spirt, which sees Ange claim the credit for mostly everything Bowie ever said or did, and for inventing bisexuality. Oh, and in a spectacular fail for the literature editing business, also makes room for some of Angie's poems.

If you'd like something a bit more considered,Low in the 33 and a third series is a lovely piece of writing about a brilliant album. That's also Kindle-ised.

[Part of Bowie at 65]

Bowie at 65: The Tomorrow Person

2012-01-08T11:49:00.000Z

A diversion into 1970s kids TV now, and the cross-pollination of ideas between Thames TV's Blake's Year Sevens series The Tomorow People, and Bowie:

[Buy: The Complete Tomorrow People on DVD]

[Part of Bowie at 65]

Bowie at 65: Since I was Six

2012-01-08T11:33:00.002Z

One of the many tributes-in-song to Bowie. The Brian Jonestown Massacre's (David Bowie I Love You) Since I Was Six:

[Part of Bowie at 65]

Bowie at 65: Bowie saves 6Music

2012-01-08T11:28:00.003Z

6Music is currently celebrating Bowie's birthday, as well they should, after he helped fight off closure:

Alright, it's actually Adam Buxton. But still... Bowie would have done it himself, if he could have.

[Part of Bowie at 65]

Bowie at 65: Bowie at 50

2012-01-08T11:20:00.001Z

With acres of newstime to fill, it's easy to get attention for an anniversary these days - BBC News did a big splash about Steven Hawking's birthday a few minutes ago, which is a lot of attention for a very minor character from The Simpsons, when you think about it.

It wasn't so easy to get a full-on carnival celebration back in the last century, which makes this - BBC Two clearing an evening to mark Bowie's 50th birthday - almost as much of an achievement as the some of the events it chronicled.

[Part of Bowie at 65]

Bowie at 65: The Man Who Sold The World

2012-01-08T11:17:00.000Z

Yes, yes, you're sick to death of the Lulu cover of the Man Who Sold The World. How about Suede doing it, though?

Bowie still, I think, holds the record for the man who has appeared on the cover of the NME the greatest number of times, including the time he shared the front page with Brett Anderson. "One day, son, all this will be yours" ran the coverline. Anderson has yet to collect.

[Part of Bowie at 65]

Bowie at 65: Twin Peaks

2012-01-08T11:12:00.001Z

Anybody fancy a quick smattering of Bowie-related tat to mark the great man's 65th birthday? Too bad.

First up, here's Dave stinking up the screen in the Twin Peaks movie, Fire Walk With Me:

You know that something's gone incredibly wrong when one one of your key star's performance is so bad that he's given the "Tom Baker in the Five Doctors" treatment. Even although he actually turned up.

At the time, the claim was that David Lynch had planned a run of Peaks movies, with Bowie's character taking on the central role, but the idea was junked after seeing the rushes.

[Part of Bowie at 65]

This week just gone

2012-01-08T11:05:00.001Z

The most-read No Rock Bowie stories of all time:

1. Telegraph announces Sting and Bowie plan to launch lapdance boats
2. Evan Davis blames David Bowie for killing the economy
3. Daily Star claims Ziggy Stardust will play Coachella
4. Video: David Bowie and Nine Inch Nails, together, live
5. Bowie considers early retirement
6. Carla Bruni covers Bowie
7. Bowie does Spongebob
8. Bowie joins Polyphonic Spree
9. Pixies to reform, open for Bowie. In 2003
10. Bowie's face up for sale

[Part of Bowie at 65]

These releases came from the week before Christmas crept over the country:

Charlotte Gainsbourg - Stage Whisper

Download Time Of The Assassins

The Music - The Last Dance Live

Download The Last Dance

X - The Unheard Music

Those So Solid Crew members in full

2012-01-07T10:22:00.001Z

In case you missed it because of the working week, and because of Wikipedia suddenly getting all up in your face about "accuracy", Enemies Of Reason and Profanity Swan both captured the full list of So Solid Crew members that appeared earlier this week.

Gordon in the morning: A wing of ITV PR

2012-01-07T10:15:00.001Z

There's not really much in the Bizarre pages today, which makes it all the more obvious just how badly Gordon relies on the ITV press office feeding him filler is - there's three non-stories about Dancing On Ice, and an awful bit on the launch of a post-show programme for Take Me Out. Yes, Take Me Out:

ESSEX lothario Mark Wright is on a self-imposed dating ban to keep him out of the grasp of girls on his new Take Me Out show.

This is listed as a "TV exclusive by Lucy Connolly" - I suppose it's exclusive on the basis that nobody else would touch it with a long pole:

He said: "Take Me Out girls may be looking for Mr Right — but it's not Mark Wright.

"I'm single but there is no way I am dating anyone from the show. I'm working and I am too professional. It's not happening."

Man who struggles to deliver a line in the trail for a programme on ITV2 spun off a programme on ITV which nobody watches says that he won't be dating people who haven't even shown any interest in him. That's quite an exclusive.

Gordon in the morning: Sarah Harding retunrs from hell

2012-01-06T08:00:00.002Z

Gordon Smart pulls a concerned face as Sarah Harding gives him an exclusive interview about her addiction to pills and booze.

If there's any doubt that this is an interview dictated by a flipchart with the words "Comeback: Media management" at the top, you just have to count off the clichés as they roll by:

She said: "I've been to hell and back.[...] My drinking was out of control [...] I was drinking to deal with my emotions after the split."

and so on and so on. You could probably write most of her quotes yourself.

How awkward for Gordon, though. The split which sent her over the edge was from Tom Crane. And what did Gordon say back when she broke-up in September?

By GORDON SMART, Showbiz Editor

Published: 28th September 2011

SARAH HARDING isn't moping about after her split from Tom Crane.The Girls Aloud star is keen to start a new chapter of her life after calling off her engagement to the DJ earlier this month.

The singer said: "I'm ready to take another leap. Hopefully the best is yet to come.

"I feel a little more at ease with what's going on in my life.

"I know where my career's at. I know what I want out of life."

Hopefully Bizarre's former Caner Of The Year will soon be back doing what she does best ... drinking bars dry.

Oddly, Gordon seems to miss the opportunity to apologise for not only adding to the pressure on Sarah by banging on about her love life in a national newspaper, but also wishing that she'd be out on the streets getting pissed.

Gordon in the morning: Back to Paris

2012-01-05T07:46:00.001Z

Gordon brings news of an attempt by Paris Hilton to relaunch her music career with a house album.

House, Paris?

She said: "I have a huge passion for house music. It always has been my passion. I just haven't been able to focus on it, because I have been doing reality TV for so long now.

Yeah, I could see how you'd have to do a bit of TV, in order to get a few quid behind you before launching your house career.

Oddly, though, IMDB suggests she made eight episodes of something called The World According To Paris last year, and nothing else since the BFF thing spluttered to an unwatched halt in 2009. Not exactly the most demanding of schedules.

Still, when it comes to house, Hilton is something of an expert:

"There are just so many great DJs right now. And I should know – I've been to over 100 raves in the past year, so I've heard every type of music."

Really? You've been to raves where pubrock, shoegaze, lion rock and raggle-taggle have been played? I guess that would command some sort of respect.

But why is Gordon even wasting his time regurgitating this FHM interview?

Topless Paris Hilton is in the house

Ah, that would be it. I know for a fact Judge Jules got his big DJing break by pulling his bodystocking down for FHM.

Sugar Hill Gang seeking unpaid cash

2012-01-04T19:08:00.001Z

RIAA stalwart company Universal has apparently been so busy lecturing the world about how taking things without paying is wrong that it appears to have forgotten to pay any royalties to any Sugar Hill label artists for years and years.

The Sugar Hill Gang and other acts are now suing.

[Related: Sylvia Robinson obituary]

Beyond Oblivion lives up to its name

2012-01-04T19:01:00.001Z

Fair enough, QTrax. You're no longer the least together of the high-profile music streaming services. There's a new kid in town, tripping over its own feet. Or rather, there isn't, as Beyond Oblivion has folded before launching.

It managed to burn through over fifty million quid, including some from News Corporation. But didn't stream a single track to a single consumer.

Kidron said in a statement to the Daily Telegraph: "Beyond was always a tremendously grand ambition as the advances required by the record labels and music publishers were substantial, reflecting the breadth of the rights required to create a true digital music one-stop."

Well, it certainly did the stopping bit.

BPI almost sound upbeat; fall back on to wailing about piracy

2012-01-04T16:43:00.000Z

Half a point for making the effort to the BPI for trying to make their New Year press release about 2011 sales sound slightly upbeat:

MUSIC SALES SLIP IN 2011 BUT DIGITAL SINGLES AND ALBUMS GROW STRONGLY

In the past, that headline would have been written the other way round, splattering the silver lining with the mud of despondency.

Does this mean the BPI is slowly coming to terms with the new world; accepting that they're lucky to have emerged out of the last ten years with any sort of business at all?

Nope. Much of the press release is given to the usual wailing about the nasty pirates. Chief Executive Geoff Taylor starts it off:

“British artists continue to produce incredible music that resonates at home and around the world. But while other countries take positive steps to protect their creative sector, our Government is taking too long to act on piracy, while weakening copyright to the benefit of US tech giants. The UK has already fallen behind Germany as a music market. Unless decisive action is taken in 2012, investment in music could fall again – a creative crunch that will destroy jobs and mean the next Adele may not get her chance to shine on the world stage.

Yes, god forbid that the government doesn't do as the BPI orders, lest the music industry lose out to American owned tech companies. Which would be a tragedy for the Japanese and American owned music industry, of course.

Taylor isn't an idiot, and he knows that it's probable that Germany's music industry has benefited not from any magic measures against piracy - "ooh, those umlauts are too hard to force through a torrent filter" - but from having had (for much of 2011) a stronger economy. Germany is a larger economy; it's got lower unemployment and lower inflation and the average German earns more than the average Brit - surely its surprising that it took so long for the UK to fall behind Germany in terms of music purchases? Taylor isn't an idiot. So why does he allow a news release to be circulated that makes him sound like one?

Tony Wadsworth, who chairs the BPI, also has something to say. The second paragraph of his thoughts at this magic time of year focuses on piracy:

“Led by Adele, Jessie J, Coldplay, Ed Sheeran and others, records by British artists in 2011 achieved both critical and commercial success both at home and around the world. But the challenge of sustaining this performance against a backdrop of chronic piracy means that Government action remains absolutely crucial for British artists and their labels.”

Adele again. In fact, Adele had the whole of Tony's first paragraph just dedicated to her success:

“The spine-tingling performance by Adele at The BRIT Awards 2011 fired the starting gun on her incredible and well-deserved year of success. Her achievements are phenomenal – the biggest-selling album this century, the best seller of 2011 by miles, her debut album also making the year-end top five, not to mention her fantastic success overseas

As the press release points out, Adele's sales aren't just the impressive for this one-eighth of a century; they're just impressive, full stop:

Adele’s 21 reaches 3.8m sales – the biggest-ever selling album in a single year.

Unfortunately, this does tend to fire a big hole in the heart of Geoff and Tony's demand that something must be done about piracy to save the music industry. Despite all this "chronic" piracy going on, Adele's album has sold more copies in a year than any album has ever sold. More than a Michael Jackson album managed in a year, even the good one. More than a Beatles album ever managed to whisk out the shops in twelve months. More, even, than the third Charlatans album sold in a year.

So, how come Adele's album was not only immune to the chronic piracy, but thrived in a world so stricken? Had there been secret umlauts sewn into the hemlines of the choruses, rendering it impossible to torrent?

Were any of the many pirate-busting measures deployed? Did the pre-release circulate solely on a tape glued into a Walkman? Was every copy watermarked? Did a fleet of fake files get launched onto the internet to foil downloaders? Did Derren Brown hypnotise the world so that if they typed 'Adele 21 free' into Google they'd die?

Nope. The success of Adele's album seems to be nothing to do with avoiding piracy, and more to do with sticking out an album that people liked and wanted to buy.

Now, it's possible that in a world without torrentsearch, Adele might have sold more copies still of her record. But even so, she has sold more copies of 21 than any album has ever sold, even before home-taping killed music.

The conclusion has to be that if we don't see other records selling in large numbers, it's not because of chronic piracy, but chronic releases.

Look at the other names Wadsworth throws around - Jessie J, who is alright in a Nookie Bear Sings The Black Eyed Peas way; Coldplay, an act who can't even hide their own boredom with their music most days; Ed Sheeran, a singer so devoid of charisma promoters regularly close down his live act mid-set because they simply don't notice he's on stage. And these are the acts that Wadsworth picks out as the marshmallows in the box of Lucky Charms.

Since they're bobbing about on a sea of singing squadie spouses and ten year's worth of build-up of Cowell dung, you can see why Wadsworth felt that was the best he could do. There's people who will always be excited by music, but for big sales you need to get that ripple of connection, of interest, beyond those people and out into the wider public. The people who will buy an album from time-to-time, if it's a better way of spending their money than a computer game, or a bottle of wine, or a chip supper. With the best will in the world, Olly Murs is never going to win a struggle with a pickled egg and a can of Irn Bru.

It's not piracy. There's no need for the government to legislate. Unless the action they take is to pass a law forcing major labels to introduce quality control.

Gordon in the morning: Aah, aah, aah, aah

2012-01-04T08:59:00.001Z

Let's leave Gordon's desk for a while, and look instead over at the Sun's health pages. They have news about a public education campaign:

THE Bee Gees hit Stayin' Alive is at the heart of a new campaign launched today — to save the lives of cardiac arrest victims.
[...]
It says that pumping the chest at between 110 and 120 beats per minute — the same rate as the 1978 hit — is more effective than a poor breath resuscitation attempt.

The charity is launching the TV campaign, backed by the UK Resuscitation Council, aiming to give people confidence to use the CPR technique.

Actor and former soccer ace Vinnie Jones will feature in the "Hard And Fast" ads showing people the proper way to do chest compressions in 40 seconds.

No word on what you should do when you reach the middle eight.

In other "news", Lee 'elpehants are dying' Ryan had been due to go into the Big Brother house but has apparently been dumped after asking for too much money.

It's a pity for Ryan - looking at the rest of the rumoured line-up (the other one from Pineapple Dance Studios; someone from The Only Way Is Essex; a couple of people who've actually appeared on terrestrial television some years back) it might have been the first time he'd have been the most famous person in a room.

He's going to be replaced by Romeo, who was one of the So Solid Crew but presumably has been selected on the strength of his more recent work, as a best man in Don't Tell The Bride.

N'Dour announces run at presidency

2012-01-03T08:59:00.000Z

Youssou N'Dour has confirmed he'll be standing as a candidate in the Senegalese election.

The BBC News report reminds everybody that he recorded Seven Seconds with Neneh Cherry, although surely in 2012 N'Dour must be better-known than either that single or Neneh Cherry?

Alan McGee accepts the blame

2012-01-02T11:15:00.001Z

In Q Magazine's How To Buy Creation Records feature, Alan McGee issues an apology:

Ride were great from the first day I met them. They were shoegaze with tunes - a massive influence on bands like Coldplay. I hold myself responsible for fucking up their career by introducing them to The Byrds and The Beatles.

Actually, McGee is being uncharacteristically harsh on himself - certainly The Beatles were there from the get-go, as Tomorrow Never Knows shows.