Showing posts with label emily smith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emily smith. Show all posts

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Gordon in the morning: Jackson still had actual skin?

The not-entirely-surprising news of Michael Jackson's skin cancer is passed to Emily Smith to break to a concerned nation:

DEFIANT MICHAEL JACKSON is determined to make a full recovery after doctors assured him that his skin cancer is treatable.

Well, yes, you would, wouldn't you? If a doctor said "Mr Jackson, your cancer is totally treatable", you wouldn't react by going "well, frankly, I'm not interested, I'm quite happy to die from it."

With Emily doing the reporting, it falls to Gordon to offer an opinion. Now, you might think there's not much to say beyond 'whatever you think of him, you wouldn't wish cancer on him', but apparently it calls for the editor of the showbusiness beat to say a few words:
HE has dangled his son from a hotel window, completely changed his appearance with cosmetic surgery and been dogged by shocking allegations about his bizarre private life.

But one thing that Michael Jackson can not be criticised for is his unique and unquestionable brilliance when he is entertaining fans on stage.

Gordon, presumably, hasn't seen any Jackson performance from, ooh, the last twenty years or so, where either he sets himself up as a pompous God figure, or else doesn't so much phone it in as use a freepost reply coupon.
As shocking as the news is of his cancer, I have no doubt he will be prepared to put giving 100 per cent to fans this summer ahead of his own medical fears.

It's not clear if Gordon feels the cancer is more shocking than the allegations about Jacko's private life - and don't you love that, out of respect to the man's illness, they're not bothering to go into "sharing bedrooms with young kids and giving them surprisingly large sums of money shortly after" nature of those allegations.

But does Gordon really think Jackson would put his fans ahead of his own health? When he supposedly he wouldn't even visit the UK for fear of swine flu and has a track record of not turning up to gigs he's been booked for? It doesn't sound much like the Jackson everyone knows and... well, everyone knows.
His farewell tour dates at the O2 arena in East London have been the biggest talking point in pop for fans, journalists, fellow musicians and the music industry since it was announced earlier this year.

Until the Spandau Ballet reunion, at least.
He is the only living artist capable of filling the 20,000-capacity arena for a whopping 50-night stint.

No he isn't. Especially given that the dates are spread over a period of months, Pink Floyd could. The Stones could. McCartney, certainly. Oasis and Robbie Williams, probably. However chilling those prospects might be.

Gordon burbles on in this fawning manner for a while, before coming to his conclusion:
Everyone is willing him to get well soon. For all the music memories he has given the world, he deserves to bow out on a high.

Actually, for all the rubbish he's done since Thriller, he deserves a long and happy retirement.

Jackson's not the only singer who has medical problems this morning: Will Young is having to have singing lessons after an operation for tonsillitis. Yes, yes, there is an obvious joke hanging there, but it would be cruel and unnecessary; even if you don't much care for Young's music, you'd have to wish him well.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Gordon in the morning: Looking through the transfer window

Hadn't they put the lid on the idea of David Beckham joining AC Milan? Apparently, Gordon says, it's all back on again now, because, erm, Victoria says so:

DAVID BECKHAM has finally got wife VICTORIA to agree his dream move to AC Milan — despite their family being settled in Los Angeles.

Posh and Becks held crunch talks in London ten days ago after he insisted he wanted to end his career with the giants.

Ten days ago? So in other words, before the LA Galaxy negotiators decided that Beckham was staying in LA unless AC Milan put up some extra cash.


Milan are supposedly still hopeful of a deal, and David's doing his best to help things:
The England star has been taking Italian lessons for weeks

Ah, Becks always tries to pick up a bit of the local language before any move, although he never got more than a few basic terms while with his current team.

Emily Smith - who is like Gordon Smart but with small rooms overlooking the Hudson - has been trying to get to the bottom of Kate Moss and her "pregnancy". Well, I say "bottom":
Kate: Babies? Just big boobies

Apparently Emily Smith discovered Kate's breasts had grown by following the ancient art of reading a magazine. Philip Green, owner of BHS, was interviewing Moss for a title that Smith doesn't bother to even name. Perhaps her research didn't extend as far as looking at the front page. It was New York magazine - god knows how bad things have got for them if they're reduced to getting the bloke who runs TopShop to file for them. Anyway, Smith dutifully types up the interesting bit:
Kate was joined by billionaire Topshop owner SIR PHILIP GREEN for an interview with a magazine.

He said: “They are a bit bigger than they were, aren’t they?”

Smith gives no indication if she finds this in any way creepy, or unsettling, or inappropriate.

Back with Gordon, and it's time to consider Pixie Geldof's psychic powers:
PIXIE GELDOF knew her sister PEACHES’ marriage wouldn’t last.

The 18-year-old model - daughter of charity campaigner SIRBOB GELDOF - always suspected Peaches’ whirlwind wedding to musician MAX DRUMMEY was destined to fail.

Sadly, Gordon is unable to put these astonishing powers of foretelling the bleedin' obvious to the test, as, erm, he just read an interview in Closer.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Gordon in the morning: Playing Scrabble with Amy Winehouse

After last weekend, when the News of the World crashed Amy Winehouse's holiday, it was probably only a matter of time before The Sun sent someone along for a look-see, too. So it is today that Gordon carries a dispatch from The Sun's US editor Emily Smith.

Yes, the American editor of the Sun has flown to St Lucia to, erm, play Scrabble with Amy Winehouse. It's not like there's anything happening in the US in the next few days that might require the most senior staff member to be in Washington.

And the price of the tickets? They paid for themselves, with this sort of quality report:

Our game ended when she patted a bump on her tiny tummy and said: “My stomach feels bloated,” before saying she needed the toilet and bolting for the loo.

Winehouse goes to the lavatory! Whoever would have thought?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Gordon in the morning: It's over - probably

The "world exclusive" end of Madonna's marriage sees the Sun scrambling no less than three journalists (I'm using that phrase in its loosest sense):

They can't bear the pretence any more


There's a triumphant air of "I told you so" at the paper this morning, which rags out its coverage of the A-Rod divorce to show how far ahead of the loop it was.

Mind you, the Sun couldn't have been wrong. Because while it was running a front page about possible extra-marital dabblings with baseball stars, US editor Emily Smith was denying there were any plans:
Madonna denies Guy divorce

MADONNA has denied that she and hubby Guy Ritchie are getting divorced.

In a strongly-worded statement the singer said she and Guy have "no plans to divorce" and insisted rumours of a relationship with US baseball star Alex Rodriguez were not true.

As is traditional on these occasions, Gordon Smart is given a sidebar piece to keep him busy:
I saw their marriage cracking

Gordon shares his eyewitness account of a marriage he's been watching collapse for months:
I have spent a lot of time with Guy over the past few months and I’ve really grown to like him. He is great company, talented and a brilliant father.

The marriage falling apart is incredibly sad but I think he will be far happier now he can be his own man.

You think Gordon - so close to Guy - would have warned one of his colleagues that the marriage was in its end game, to spare The Sun the embarrassment of having run stories like this one in July:
MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE are holding a special family dinner to tell their nearest and dearest that their marriage is finally back on track.

The couple, who have just weathered the biggest storm in their seven-year marriage, will put all the madness of the past few months behind them with a “Shabbat Nachamu” – a night of consolation.

The Kablah-blah ceremony will be witnessed by two rabbis who will fly to the UK from New York, on the weekend of Madge’s 50th birthday next month.

Except, erm, that was Gordon himself reporting on the successful saving of a marriage he now claims he was watching cracking.

Perhaps Gordon was so close to Guy he couldn't bring himself to tell his readers about the tragedy he was watching.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Gordon in the morning: Doctor Gordon is in

Gordon Smart had decided that it's been too long that Amy Winehouse has been in the hospital, and that we should have a diagnosis. So, he's given us one. Coughing up blood, weight loss, lack of appetite? It's TB, claims Gordon. Sorry, a pal.

Carol Cooper, the Sun doctor, is wheeled in to point out that addicts get TB, while Gordon gets cofused over if he's talking to a "pal" or a "source":

The source said:[...]"The word tuberculosis might frighten her into getting herself well. It certainly should do.

"She needs to realise she will die if she she doesn’t clean up her act."

Gordon's "source" perhaps not quite understanding the whole "being addicted to something" deal here, then.

Elsewhere, in what might be the most pointless thing Smart's ever run, there's a picture of newly-pregnant Charlotte Church in a petrol station, which seems to have been published purely for this line:
Now she has a new pump, er, bump.

He wrote that. With pens.

Although Gordon was fascinated by Will Smith's penis yesterday, he's handed David Beckham's cock over to "US editor" Emily Smith to deal with. Emily reports "there is a poster advertising pants with David Beckham in" under the bemusing headline:
Becks BIGGER than the Beatles

We know it's meant to be a reference to the supposed size of his knob, but why on earth would you need to mention the Beatles? It's not like the story underneath has any mention of the group; or that the advert is hanging near a picture of Lennon; or that it distracted people from a Ringo Starr book signing. It's like the paper was so keen to mention that David Beckham's cock looks big when he stuffs god-knows-what into his bathhouse knickers, they had no blood left in their head to write a headline that makes sense.