Showing posts with label javine hilton. Show all posts
Showing posts with label javine hilton. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Gordon in the morning: Rehab gives you breasts

We suppose you can hardly blame Gordon Smart for, once again, breaking the promise to leave Amy Winehouse alone to get well as her record company did get her off to the American embassy yesterday. Still, it gives Gordon an excuse to do what he does best - slightly awkward perving:

IT’S chest what we all wanted to see – AMY WINEHOUSE looking almost back to her best.
[...]
The star’s boobs were on full show for her meeting with the Embassy suits . . . well, I suppose it can’t do any harm.

Yes, that'd work. "Sorry, Ms Winehouse, but you've been filmed using crack and have paid a fine to a foreign government for drug... [glances up, that music Carry On films use when Sid James sees Barbara Windsor in a short skirt plays] ... no, Miss... uh... ooh, have indefinite leave to remain..." Because that's what US immigration is like. It's virtually indistinguishable from Carry On Camping.

Closer magazine has got Javine to recreate the famous Richard Herring gig flier in which he's naked, holding his bulge - the same one Demi Moore copied (I'm pretty sure that was the order it happened in) and the same one that everyone who has been pregnant in the last ten years has done. In fact, it's been done so often, Gordon no longer feels the need to pretend that the shoot has anything to do with the miracle of impregnantion:
IT’S good nudes for pop star JAVINE as she poses naked just days before she is due to give birth.

Yes, it's just another naked woman. We hope Gordon is seeing it just another naked woman and not one of those subsection of men imagined in Dworkin's Pornography: Men Possessing Women who get off on naked pictures of women because it represents a woman's body somehow 'colonised' by sperm.

Nah, Gordon just likes the flesh: he's also excited by a photo of Angelina Jolie's naked back, which gets him all flustered, and offering advice to James McAvoy:
If I was James, I would have that picture tattooed on my arm to show everyone I met.

Yes. That's a normal reaction to seeing a picture of a pretty woman.

We're not sure Gordon read his copy here, though - perhaps he was too busy drawing a picture of breasts on his elbow:
HERE’S ANGELINA JOLIE looking ink-redible in her new blockbuster Wanted.

BRAD PITT’s girlfriend is no stranger to the tattoo parlour.

But for her role as aptly named assassin Fox in the action flick, she’s had a few temporary ones added to the centre of her back.

We know what he thinks he's saying, but he has just claimed that some temporary tattoo parlours have opened on Joile's spine, hasn't he? Let's hope they're properly licensed.

Smart does have a good, solid story this morning, which we shall turn to in a moment.


Friday, December 21, 2007

And away we go. A-bloody-gain.

It's hard to believe there's a media outlet - with the possible exception of The Tablet - that hasn't run some quasi-exclusive based on the slight Alesha-Harvey-Javine love-muddle, but the Mail reckons there's still more revelation to be had. It's MC Harvey who's walked off with a big cheque this morning.

Of course, with Alesha now one Strictly from being an official National Treasure, Harvey's in an awkward position. He doesn't want to look too bad, but he did dump her:

'Why I walked out on Strictly's Alesha,' by her unfaithful husband

The reason, of course, was that at the time she was pop-dumper's Alesha rather than Strictly's Alesha, and Harvey had wedding vows that ended "...as long as we both shall appear in Heat."

Harvey tries to act like he's abashed:
"What I did was 100 per cent wrong," Harvey says. "But I'm not perfect - no one is.

"Before I met Javine, no matter how many beautiful girls there were, not one of them meant anything to me as much as Alesha did."

As working definitions of "not being perfect" go, being "100% wrong" would be a useful one. But who couldn't fail to warm to Harvey's solid commitment to his wife, refusing to look at anyone else besides his wife. Apart from Javine. Who he dumped his wife for, of course.
"Our wedding was fantastic. I've still got a DVD that I watch by myself.

"Alesha looks amazing. When I saw her walking down the aisle I was gone. I cried my eyes out and my best man, Premiership footballer Sean Davis, was crying too.

"It hurts when I watch it. I'm not going to lie to you. Naturally it hurts, because I've got a lot of feelings."

One of them being: Alesha is now more famous than Javine again.

We imagine, by the way, that it must delight the seven-months gone Javine that Harvey sits watching his marriage to another woman over, and over, and over, and over.
"Last time I watched it I was looking at the DVD going: 'Flipping hell, from that to me now going to be a father with another woman.'

"I didn't see my life going that way."

Funny that - at the wedding ceremony, Harvey didn't expect to be dumping the woman he was marrying and run off with someone else.

Harvey is eager - desperate, even - to set the ever-increasing record straight:
Javine and Alesha were never friends and I never got caught in bed by Javine's boyfriend.

"It's utter bullshit. That's the thing that's got to me, all these lies."

Yes. Let's get totally clear why Harvey is a self-serving, hounding shitbag. There's plenty of reasons without the need to make stuff up.
"Javine's ex decided to make a quick buck and he never loved her because you don't make money against your girlfriend."

Your ex-wife, she's fair game to sell stories about for cash. But selling your girlfriend? Why, could a man drop any lower?
It's true our relationship was physical before I discussed it with Alesha and that's where I was wrong.

"It was physical once - not three times or five times. It wasn't an on-going affair.

It must be terrible for Harvey to be thought of as someone who shags another woman behind his wife's back repeatedly.
"I thought: 'What have I done?' The real story is that Javine's ex saw my car outside the house and told Alesha I was seeing Javine.

"Alesha asked me when I got home.

"I could have lied, but I didn't want to be in the marriage anymore."

We love the way that Harvey can't quite decide if the marriage was dead and his heart was with Javine - his wife, presumably, not understanding him - or if it was a one-off with Javine that he couldn't do any more.

Not to mention the bold claim that he "could have lied" - although, what with Javine's recently ex-boyfriend having told his wife what was going on, it's not entirely clear how.

Harvey, though, didn't find it easy, bless him:
"I knew I loved someone else and my heart was gone from my home. So I told her the truth. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

"I've performed in front of hundreds of thousands of people, presented national television, I've done films with Hollywood actors, but this was ten times worse, telling her I'd slept with another woman."

There's a handy rule of thumb: it's ten-times more difficult to confess to adultery than it is to be a guest panelist on The Wright Stuff, or to play "King" in the 2003 movie Out For A Kill (a role that got star billing, or at least billing one slot above "DEA Agent".)

After running through the "life in a Ghetto in Battersea" stuff, and the wedding - he knows a lot about it, what with the having watched the DVD repeatedly and all - Harvey stresses to the Mail readership how important his relationship was:
At the end of the day, with celebrity comes responsibility.

"Our relationship was iconic. Black people had never had somebody they could call their own."

Yes. That's what did it for Harvey - being the Queen and Philip and Posh and Becks for the black community all rolled into one. How could mere humans cope with so much pressure?

Harvey - like the Rabbi Lionel Blue - ends with a story to illustrate his point:
"I was standing outside a nightclub and two 16-year-old boys came up to me and said: 'You're so lucky. You've gone out with the two most beautiful girls in the industry.'

"Then one said: 'I think Alesha's fitter.' The other one goes: 'I like Javine.' They're 16. They don't get it. They just see beauty. They don't see the person."

Sixteen year old boys saying "the most beautiful girls in the industry"? Even without the self-aggrandising angle, there's something there that doesn't ring true. Like the whole of Harvey's proud grandstanding, come to think of it.


Sunday, November 18, 2007

Javine-Harvey-other one: round we go again

Now, we know that everyone pretends to not be interested in most items of celebrity gossip, but when it comes to the Javine-Harvey-Alesha love triangle, is there anyone at all in the world who is still interested really? Especially since for the last six months nothing new has happened and it's just a constant churning over of the same not-especially-fascinating breakdown.

Even as the Sunday People churns again this morning, it admits this is the third to-and-fro. When the paper stretches and yawns half way through the article, it's probably a sign the story should have been spiked.


Sunday, November 04, 2007

So Solid spills

MC Harvey must be feeling at least slightly ashamed this morning - when he was in the So Solid Crew, he probably expected to have a lifetime of glittery fame. Now, he's reduced to grubbing out kiss and tell stories to the News of the World because his ex-wife is on a celebrity dancing show.

The charmer doesn't just moan on about Alesha Dixon, though, finding time to complain about having got Javine pregnant, too:

"It's hard having sex with a pregnant woman," he said.

"It's challenging but interesting. You have to try lots of new positions. I go to the gym so much now because I've got to get the frustration out somehow."

Apparently he's never heard of masturbation, then. Which would explain how he got himself into so much trouble in the first place.

And so, what exactly is he kissing and telling? Very little, it turns out:
"It was fantastic with Alesha, wild and interesting. As she has said in the past we used to explore different places and take many risks. I won't deny that. I remember we had sex in a car and a ladies' room of a posh London bar."

Sex in a car? Harvey, everyone who's ever borrowed an Allegro Coupe has had sex in a car. And a toilet, come to that. This is almost akin to saying "we had an interesting sex life; we once did it in a double bed. In a bedroom."

Still, Harvey's not really here to talk about women. Because there's only one love of Harvey's life. And that's Harvey:
"I'm not going to lie. I attract a lot of attention off women. The older you get the worse I find it.

"I have to be mature about the situation. I've got to say, ‘As good-looking as you are, that can't happen'.

"I'm a strong guy—even the fans that said, ‘You are so out of order', I'm killing them with excellence. You can judge me but you can't take my talent away from me."

Not unless you have a very, very fine net in which to catch it, no.


Wednesday, February 07, 2007

And away we go...

Alesha Dixon is, it seems, a canny lass. Many women, watching their husband go dancing off Javine Hilton, would cut their wedding dress up into pieces and force it into Harvey So Solid's mouth. Perhaps while bouncing up and down on him in size ten boots.

Not Aleesha, though: She's flogging her dress on eBay. Obviously hoping to find a buyer who doesn't believe in jinxes and so on.