Showing posts with label princess beatrice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label princess beatrice. Show all posts

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Harry Styles hopes to cast himself as frog in popular fairy tale

Except he doesn't, of course. The story in the Daily Star Sunday is so made-up it should be illustrated with woodcuts:

A source told us: “Harry is so bored of the showbiz set and thinks it’s time to move up in the world.

“Backstage before gigs he was even trawling the internet, asking his bandmates what they thought of each girl.

“He drew up a ‘hit list’ and the only rule was they couldn’t be ­married.

“Needless to say, Pippa Middleton is on his list – at number two – but he’s aware she has a serious boyfriend.

“He also has a thing for Princess Beatrice, even though he said she’s not his ‘typical type of girl’.

“But he’s totally fascinated with Princess Eugenie. He thinks she’s got the full package of class, looks and status.”
Because, for deffo, if I was trying to pull one of the princesses I'd be using the Daily Star Sunday as a way of flagging my intentions. That's what Jane Austen would be writing about if she was alive today.

If this was true, and Harry did wind up with Eugenie, this article is going to make for awkward Christmas Dinners at Sandringham in the future.

And tricky evenings alone, come to that:
- So, Harry, am I lacking the class, the looks, or the status?

It doesn't even make sense - if Harry really was such a heel as to be worried about status, surely he'd be choosing Beatrice anyway, given that she's the closest to a Monarch as he can currently get without having to have a civil partnership?

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Gordon in the morning: Attacking the monarchy

Great excitement over at Bizarre this morning, with Gordon having a pop at Beatrice, daughter of the parasite and the scrounger ( © Socialist Worker 1986). While Smart might not have quite raised himself to such Republican levels as that, he isn't going to bend the knee before royalty:

IT’S not often you’ll hear me giving the clipboard-wielding idiots who stand at the front doors of nightclubs a pat on the back.

But for the first time I am saluting this vile species for dishing out a regal snub to spoiled royal PRINCESS BEATRICE.

God, these are confusing times, aren't they? On one side, The Sun and some bouncers; on the other, a minor member of the royal family. How would you choose who to side with?

Luckily, nobody comes out of it looking good. Gordon launches into some lazy royal-bashing (is Beatrice really "spoiled" or just privileged? And Smart calls her "ruddy-faced" which would be rude even if it was true.)

On the other hand, Beatrice herself - allegedly - did pull the gold-plated equivalent of 'don't you know who I am's?:
She declared: “Don’t you know who I am? Do you know I’m royalty?”

Oddly, though, while Smart acknowledges she's doing a job of a work right now, he's haughty about that:
Beatrice has had her first taste of the big wide world this summer, working as a personal shopper in Selfridges.

It’s hardly shovelling peas in a factory or waiting tables for £3-an-hour.

Yes, but it's the same job that your paper was suggesting somehow was beneath her the other day (working as "SHOP ASSISTANT", screeched the standfirst.) And Gordon then trips over himself by pointing out that "wages are no problem for Bea-list though." So, she doesn't need the money, but is working anyway. Gordon, you cant simulataneously decry someone for laying about doing nothing and doing a job that isn't hard enough, can you?

The other funny thing is Gordon's fuming when faced with someone who has inherited their position and wealth only finds an outlet for Bea. Paris Hilton, Peaches Geldof - and, we'd guess, James Murdoch - tend not to get a rough ride for making the most of the accidents of their birth. Funny that.

Meanwhile, Gordon is worried about Madonna, and how much flesh she shows:
I TUNED in to Channel 4 to see MADONNA’s new video on Thursday night.

And for the first time I felt a bit guilty watching a 49-year-old woman prancing around in her undercrackers.

We're assuming he's just written this badly, and didn't actually mean to give the impression that he frequently watches women just this side of fifty jumping about in their knickers, although we can't be sure of that.

Clearly, Madonna must have aged quite a bit in the last month, at the start of May, Gordon had no problems with it at all:
Madonna wows with sexy show

Or perhaps he felt dirty then, too, and just didn't want to mention it.

UPDATE: And, lest we forget, back in April, for the last Madonna video, Gordon was so priapic he could have been typing with his manhood:
POP royalty MADONNA has proved she’s still the Queen when it comes to getting tongues wagging.

Here are stills from the video for new single 4 Minutes, where Her Madgesty sports slinky knee-high leather boots for a series of raunchy dance routines with JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

In the vid, Madonna strips down to her bra and canoodles with Justin in the back of a car.

But of course, she wasn't quite so old two months ago.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Donny Tourette: Doherty re-imagined by the Jim Henson workshop

We'll say this for Donny Tourette - he's either got a very thick skin, or a very thick something. Even he, by now, must have realised that even Jack Woolley can spot he's a bit of a laughing stock rather than a threat to the system, man.

But he keeps trying. Ooh, now he's threatening to tup a Princess:

“I’m mad for her [Beatrice, Andrew Windsor's daughter]. She’s definitely hot. She sort of reminds me of Peaches.”

“All I’d need is two minutes to turn on the Tourette charm and she’d be mine.

“I went to Mahiki this week because I heard Prince Harry was there. I thought he could put a good word in for me.

“It’s not just Beatrice’s looks I’m attracted to — she’s fifth in line for the throne. I could handle that.”

Bless him. He's like Benny From Crossroads with a guitar, isn't he?