Monday, January 17, 2005

HOW DARE THEY ASSOCIATE CHEAP, SHOWY TACK WITH JESSICA SIMPSON'S NAME?: That's, like, so her job. Jessica S is suing some woebegotten company Inspired Silver for using her "likeness" without her permission to sell costume jewellery. We would have thought they'd have been able to leap clear of the allegations simply by saying "That's not Jessica Simpson, just one of the seventy thousand other blonde, push-up bra wearing caterwailers. In fact, we thought it was Paris Hilton." Unfortunately, they also used her name so the case might stick, although if Jessy is really worried about cheap, clunky rubbish being flogged using her likeness and name, shouldn't she take Ashlee to one side and have a word?

The court documents are pretty amusing as it's hard to believe that a so-so cable channel and largely forgotten album has given her the balls to swear this in a legal document:

"Jessica Simpson is one of the most popular entertainers and most recognised people in the world today... Ms Simpson has risen to international stardom as a recording artist and television personality. She and her husband, Nick Lachey, are one of the world's most recognizable couples...

Seriously, we wouldn't recognise Nick Lachey if he tried to wash our windshield. When he goes out alone, he has to wear a tshirt with the words "NICK LACHEY... husband of Jessica Simpson [Correct as at 1/1/05]" otherwise even he doesn't know who he is. But it gets better...

As a young married couple, Ms Simpson and Mr Lachey have become cultural icons as "America's Sweethearts"

Now, unless I missed something during the election, since when did this happen? America's Dimwits, perhaps, but sweethearts?

Ms Simpson has been one of the most popular recording artists of the past five years. Her first major record label releases, Sweet Kisses (1999(, Irresistible (2001) and In Your Skin (2003 and re-released 2004) appeared on Billboard's Album Chart, with 'In Your Skin' achieving a ranking of #2

So, somehow, she's managed to be "one of the most popular recording artists of the past five years" despite only recording three albums in that time, one stiffing totally and only getting a second run out off the back of a grimy reality telly programme where she sold her wedding to Viacom, and hasn't ever had a number one album?

She has also posted a total of 10 singles on Billboard's Hot 100 singles chart

... or a number single?

In addition, Ms Simpson recently released her first Christmas album. This CD is being offered exclusively at the approximately 5,800 7-Eleven retail stores...

That there are a lot of them doesn't make it any less awful that it's 7-Eleven - good god, even James Taylor, a man who sometimes needs ID to get through his own front door managed to snag doing that gig for Hallmark. The 7-11 Christmas album is like Danni Minogue doing a CD for Mace and Wavy Line.

There's then some stuff about all the TV programmes she's been on - guest on Oprah, guest on Letterman, yadda yadda, and then She was recently voted #1 in the Vh1/Maxim magazine 'Hot 100 list', which represents a ranking not only of beauty and sex appeal but also of popularity

Yes, amongst the one-handed readers of Maxim.