Sunday, September 11, 2005


Well, we have to say, we're frankly shocked, having read the stuff from the News of the World where Charlotte Church's ex, Steve Johnson 'reveals all'. Shocked that she was able to put up with such a prurient, deluded twonk for as long as eighteen months.

Charlotte, what were you thinking?

Johnson - and was ever a prick so well named? - claimed that the stuff in his book was so astonishing, if the Church family didn't pay him millions, they'd be rocked to their very foundations and Chazza's career would be in tatters. So, what have you got, Johnson?

"I was at my dad's house in Cardiff Bay when I got a call from a friend of Charlotte's," recalled Steve, who has written a book about his life with the pop and classical diva.

"She said asked if I could get them some weed. I had some cannabis and told the girls to come over. Charlotte and three mates arrived at my door about 9pm. I'd seen Charlotte at a party a few weeks before but we'd never spoken.

"I invited them up to my bedroom where I was smoking with two mates. I rolled a spliff, sparked it up and took a big fat puff. Then I passed it on to Charlotte.

"She inhaled it deeply. I could tell it wasn't her first time.

Teenage girl in 21st century Britain smoke a bit of blow? Well, I never did. You'll be telling us she used poppers next.

"She took a few more pulls then sniffed from a small bottle of poppers, which gives you a sort of head rush.

"They stayed about two hours and we had two or three spliffs between us. When she left at 2am I asked or a kiss and she let me. It was a proper French kiss and I wanted to get it on with her there and then.

Goodness... not a proper French kiss with a man she's known for a while? If you'll excuse me, I'll have to go and look up what the appropriate letter for carving on this harlot's bossom actually is.

"We met next day and she invited me to her place. She said her mum was away and they were having a party. ‘Bring some weed,' she said.

So, really, she was just interested in you as a dealer, is what you're telling us?

Oh, but there's more, much more:

"So I took a bag of skunk. When I arrived at Charlotte's mansion she was already drunk. We were snogging as soon as I got through the door. She tried to roll a spliff on the kitchen table but was so drunk that I had to do it in the end.

"Then I took her up to her attic bedroom and we fell on her four-poster. I slipped her top off and we started kissing passionately.

"But then she pulled away and admitted she was a virgin and asked me to leave. She told me we had to keep our relationship from her mum and the Press. But the papers soon found out and her mum went berserk. For two months we had to date in secret but still we just kissed and cuddled.

Hmm... Johnson, have you forgotten you're meant to be portraying Charlotte as some sort of sex-crazed hell kitten.

He then goes on to detail her loss of virginity - he really does want us to think he's a greedy, valueless arsehole, doesn't he? - and claim they did the "A to Z of sex" - although, for someone happy to spill the details of someone's virginity to the cheaper newspapers, Steve doesn't sound that adventurous:

One night I was eating strawberry ice cream in bed and she said, ‘Can you spread it on me and lick it off?'

You'll note he doesn't actually say that he did it - indeed, he seems to think this is some kind of outre, virtually continental request rather than the sort of thing most grown-up people do much of the time. Is anyone else thinking Alan Partridge and the chocolate mousse here?

But, hey, Johnson was on the look out for her career:

On top of all the skunk she smoked 20 cigarettes a day—not a good idea when your voice is your fortune.

No, Steve; her fortune was her fortune, actually. But nice of you to be concerned.

You're probably wondering why Charlotte is no longer with this charmer. The obvious answer is that she woke up to herself one day; or finally realised that: yes, she could do better. Or perhaps having done the A-Z of Sex, she thought she might be better off with someone who did it passionately rather than in a bid to work through some sort of list. There's a list of possible reasons, but Steve has his own theory:

When Steve found success as a model rows began to flare.

He found success as a model? Really? That must have been one of the Marshall Wards catalogues we missed out on.

"Everyone believes I was the bad guy who brought down the angel. But Charlotte can do that all by herself."

Although, Johnson, you do seem to be quite keen to get some sort of knuckle-headed revenge, what with the demands for money to not publish this book. And, who knows, if Charlotte had been attempting to run for Pope, or maybe even a junior ministership at the Home Office, "girl has typical life of a British teen" might have given you that revenge. As it is, you just come out of it looking pretty shabby yourself - a money grubbing type who seems to be shocked and surprised by mild drug abuse and slightly kinky sex. Good luck with your modelling career, mate - and do watch out for the cocaine. Although how much luck you'll have in any job where discretion is valued in the future is quite debatable.