Gordon in the morning: The return of Victoria Newton

Bizarre has a big, exclusive interview this morning - a proper one, not just something that Gordon has found in his subscription to Total Guitar magazine. Lily Allen's come in to have a chat. It must be pretty exciting for Gordon.

Hang on a moment, though: What's this half-forgotten byline from the past?

Guys are really nice when we split up now so they don't end up in a song...

By VICTORIA NEWTON

Yes, Victoria's back on the Bizarre beat. It's unclear if this clattering down to the shopfloor was inspired by Rebekah Wade's wistful comments about Tesco executives working the checkouts, or if Lily's team would only speak to the Sun if they got Newton's special treatment. Perhaps Gordon was elsewhere, presenting Kasabian with an award so they can run the pictures next Christmas.

Still, it's been so long since Victoria was doing front-line reporting - would she still have the skill?

Oh, yes. All the Victoria trademarks are there.

Filling up space by quoting massive chunks of supposedly appropriate lyrics?

Her new album features a track called Not Fair, in which she refers to an ex being rubbish between the sheets.

She sings: “There’s just one thing that’s getting in the way/When we go up to bed you’re just no good/It’s such a shame/I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you/And then you make this noise and it’s apparent it’s all over.”

So it comes as no surprise that these days Lily’s boyfriends are careful how they treat her.

Check.

Filling more space by having the "boffins" rustle up a meaningless chart or graphic?

LILI ... the Lily In Love Index

Check.

Some searing political debate?

And she admits that if she were stuck on a desert island and had to choose between the only two men on there — PM GORDON BROWN or Tory leader DAVID CAMERON — it would have to be the Prime Minister.

She says: “I like Gordon Brown actually. Gordon or Cameron? I’d say Gordon.”

Check.

A confusion of being stick-thin with being healthy?

I caught up with Lily backstage at a warm-up gig to promote it and she was chirpier, brighter and certainly much thinner than I’ve seen her for a while.

Ah, Victoria, how we've missed you.

But, hey, don't think that Gordon was sat in the office while Newton swans in and takes the big interview for herself. Oh, no. Gordon was rubbing shoulders with the stars, too:

GEORGE SAMPSON has had the kind of night I expect of a Britain’s Got Talent Winner.

My pal spent Tuesday charming lovely LADY GAGA and PARIS HILTON.

Wouldn't you really expect the winner of New New Faces to be spending the evening waiting for the Red Coat to introduce him in the Miami Lounge while wondering if he'd not have been better off keeping the paper round?

Gordon writes a "hilarious" open letter for Sampson's teachers "explaining" what George's behaviour during the evening at some sort of mobile phone launch:

I’ve slapped his wrists and warned him that if it happens again I will confiscate his favourite cap.

It's probably best if you don't think about this too much.