tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19301032024-03-18T11:43:54.963+00:00No Rock And Roll FunMusic is important, and deserves betterSimon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.comBlogger33550125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-3471171964740172742023-05-13T10:38:00.153+00:002023-05-13T23:16:52.883+00:00Liveblog: Eurovision 2023<p><b> 10.30am</b></p><p>It's a lot, this year, isn't it? Sure, the last time the UK hosted there was a bit of excitement, but I don't recall hotel room prices in Birmingham suddenly clacking into four figures, or half the DCMS decamping to Sparkbrook for a little exercise in soft power and a few meals on expenses.</p><p>It's lucky that The Monarch Formally Knows As Prince Charles is hard to warm to, otherwise you'd almost start to feel sorry for him. You wait decades for your big party, and then your actual Coronation serves no purpose other than to act as a disappointing warm-up to the Eurovision song contest. You know you're the downcard when Rita Ora chooses to go to the other party, and you're stuck with Lionel Ritchie doing some odd gurgling.</p><p>Meanwhile... there's just a lot. The early entries in this blog were all written in Liverpool and it's a city that I love; I'm not surprised that it's decided to go balls-deep into the party. And you can understand the BBC deciding to wring every drop of Eurovision juice out of the investment. But even so. There's so much. </p><p>Even a Saturday outing for The One Show. Sitting at home, probably still wearing the purple crown ('the rules say that I can only wear it once, but not how long that one time has to be'), slowly realising the Union Jack flags were probably for Mae Muller and not HRH, the King flicks through the Radio Times, muttering that Alex Jones didn't do an extra shift for his big day. On the other hand, Nationwide did an extra curricular episode for his first marriage and that didn't end well for anyone, did it?</p><p><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Z7P7pdO3e1U" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe></p><p>Anyway. There's a lot. Geometricians, in their wildest dreams, couldn't conceive of as many angles as the media have found for covering / shoehorning in references to Eurovision. The Rovers has got a beer pump wearing a red, white and blue bow tie. As I write, Saturday Kitchen is somehow cooking Eurovision. The Archers - in a storyline which makes the time Nelson Gabriel kept that elephant on the village green sound plausible - have got Rylan popping in to judge the Ambridge song contest en route to Liverpool. Leaving aside the scheduling question, what route is he taking to get to the North West? And would he really have chosen a stopping service that would be calling at Hollerton Junction?</p><p>As an aside - and an indication of how great Rylan is - it's hard to imagine any other 'as themselves' celeb who has popped into the Post Box studios letting the script team have so much fun with characters saying they've never heard of them.</p><p>And Radio 2 has been busy. Oh so busy</p><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Sandie Shaw live on radio 2 talking about her new version of puppet on a string. Then play her old version and she goes ‘oh for fucks sake’ as they fade her out 😬</p>— Alex Hinge (@hinge832) <a href="https://twitter.com/hinge832/status/1656997417831616513?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><p>Perhaps a little too busy.</p><p>Local news hasn't been left out. On Thursday, Look East dedicated a large chunk of airtime to a Sam Ryder lookalike. Realising he bore a resemblance, he decided (direct quote) "to use this for good", like he'd been bitten by a radioactive Eurovision competitor. Samryderman, Samryderman, does whatever Sam Ryder can. It is quite a sweet story, really; he does charity stuff and seems to share not just a face but an air of being warm and approachable with the real Sam. Sadly, the report didn't ask the vital question - did he have long hair and a big beard before he became Second Sam; and if he didn't, how the hell did he know he'd look like him when he grew them?</p><p>Sam - the real one - is having the time of his life. He's pretty much the Jeremy Corbyn of Eurovision, what with having a beard and a fanbase that seems to genuinely believe that a surprisingly strong second place is actually the same as winning. And he's got opinions, too.</p><p><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qcVdhe9HMIs" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe></p><p>I'm not sure someone singing Ferry Cross The Mersey on the literal ferry cross the Mersey is best placed to judge what counts as cheese, but we'll let him off on this one.</p><p>Having used their trump card on Thursday, last night Look East stretched a bit further to discover the Bloke out of Electro Velvet lives in the region. Yes you do. You do.</p><iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Ethyx4A5ajM" title="YouTube video player" width="560"></iframe><p>The reporter asked him if he could still remember the scatty-bit he did in the middle. Of course he can. I imagine every night in his dreams he's taunted by demons doing "beeebabaadooobiedoobie" before yelling "five points" and giggling.</p><p>The Look East report didn't mention that he - Alex Clarke - currently (where 'currently' is defined as the last time anyone updated the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electro_Velvet">Wikipedia page</a>) is Mick Jagger in a Rolling Stones tribute act, but perhaps they thought they'd be pushing their luck with two faux popstars in a row.</p><p>He got to show off the shoes he wore on stage, which actually felt a bit sad. I went to Vienna for my country and all I got was a slightly scuffed pair of spats.</p><p>Anyway, there's a lot. No President Zelenskyy, though, as Eurovision have ruled that having him pop up would be too political. Because doing a whole 'we're having to do this in Liverpool what with a fucking monster bombing the actual country it should be taking place in' themed event isn't a political statement in its own right. And the man isn't an idiot - surely we all know by now that he isn't an idiot, right? - and could have been asked to do a 'can't be in our country but we send love' bit without screaming 'and give us helicopters, you asshole'. Apart from anything, it would have spared us this sort of thing:</p><p></p><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">It would have been right to hear from President Zelenskyy at tomorrow night's <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a>. There is only one reason the contest is not in Ukraine and that is because of Putin’s illegal war.</p>— Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson) <a href="https://twitter.com/BorisJohnson/status/1657005878283755522?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><p></p><p>Sunak, too, gurgled out a statement saying that Zelenskyy should have been involved, which is the first time in six months he's said anything that doesn't end with "and number five stopping the boats." Had I been a senior Tory politician wanting Volodymyr to get a cameo, I might have reflected that a bit of gentle diplomacy behind the scenes would have been the best approach because now, there's no way he could be involved without it looking like the BBC and Eurovision are taking direction from the UK government and that really would look politics intruding.
</p><p>
Last year, I only saw the second half of the contest, with the sound mostly down and commentary in Dutch. We've got some hours to go and who is to say that won't happen again? But assuming it doesn't, you know the deal. I haven't seen any of the songs yet (apart from the odd snatch of that one about Poe, and bits and pieces of Muller) and through studious avoidance of the semi-finals, I'll be coming to the whole thing fresh. Back here around 8-ish?</p><p><br /></p><p><b>12.30</b></p><p>I regret to inform you all that Rishi Sunak has "joined in the fun"</p><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">JUST DROPPED 🎤 <br /><br />Get ready for Liverpool with <a href="https://twitter.com/RishiSunak?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@RishiSunak</a>’s <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> Rewind.</p>— UK Prime Minister (@10DowningStreet) <a href="https://twitter.com/10DowningStreet/status/1657323973380546562?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><p><br /></p>
<p><b>12.45</b></p><p>If you're in Liverpool, and want something a bit closer to Eurovision than Sunak's stiff Spotify Spadlist, there's always this:</p>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Important information for tonight - please read if you are coming. <a href="https://t.co/jAq4Vs1ITL">pic.twitter.com/jAq4Vs1ITL</a></p>— Sonic Yootha (@SonicYootha) <a href="https://twitter.com/SonicYootha/status/1657344945508761600?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><p><br /></p><p>
</p><p><b>6.15pm</b></p><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Eurovision bosses are keeping a secret Grand Final performance hidden with rehearsals carried out under closed sets<a href="https://t.co/ICmEiCnQWb">https://t.co/ICmEiCnQWb</a></p>— Liverpool Echo (@LivEchonews) <a href="https://twitter.com/LivEchonews/status/1657030618591510528?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><p>It's going to be Robot Abba, isn't it?.</p>
<p>Mind you, a lot of people speak highly of Robot Abba, although I can't really tell if that's because they <em>really</em> liked it, or if when giant angry pop robots tell you to speak highly of them, you just do that.</p>
<p>People who were milling around Liverpool at the time I was will probably be thinking the same thing as me - surprise band hidden behind a screen on a Saturday night? It's just like Temptation 2, the old uni club night. A night where, if you were well connected to the Liverpool Music scene, or (like me) happened to be friends with people who were well connected, you'd know the secret act in advance and adjust your weekend plans accordingly. This is how, in an anecdote I've told people so often I'm starting to think I made it up, I saw Suede for the first time.</p><p>It wasn't always that quality, though. One night was Fabulous.</p><p>(The Simon Duffield-led rabble, not the News of the World colour supplement).</p><p>The highlight, though, was the time the whole of the city had heard the rumour it was going to be James, and a massive queue snaked round the Guild of Students. It turned out that, actually, it was If?, the short-lived spin-off of the Jo Boxers.</p><p>I mean, it might turn out to be If? tonight, which would be a splendid punchline, but... it's going to be Robot Abba, surely?</p>
<p><strong>6.40</strong></p>
<p>I mean, when I lived on the Lane we didn't even have a Co-Op but knowing the place, it's possible they built the grocers rounds the decks rather than the other way round. (Legendary Liverpool DJ Bernie Connor used to work in the deli down there, so it's likelier than you'd think)</p>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Eurovision has sent this city round the bend. Why is there a DJ at the Co-Op on Lark Lane lol <a href="https://t.co/T7ltsrxiI0">pic.twitter.com/T7ltsrxiI0</a></p>— Hats fan account (@bluenilehatsfan) <a href="https://twitter.com/bluenilehatsfan/status/1657413438518304768?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<p><strong>6.45</strong></p>
<p>Meanwhile, BBC One is already three drinks in to its Eurovision party. They've currently got a Eurovision Special of the Hit List (Name That Tune in a push-up bra, basically). And already Eimear Quinn and Linda Martin have battled their way through a Eurovision Pointless and made it to the final round, which is more than Ireland have managed to do for a good few years.</p><p>The specialness of the Eurovision Special is that they've got a workaround that has meant the celebrity booker could have half the week off:</p><blockquote>In a first for The Hit List, three celebrities will be teamed with Eurovision superfans. Returning to The Hit List are former champions Scott Mills and Clara Amfo, who will be joined by fellow DJ Adele Roberts along with their Eurovision-loving teammates Coinneach, Katie and Amy.</blockquote><p></p>
<p><strong>7.40</strong></p>
<p>The One Show is coming from the side of the Mersey, adding itself to the list of illustrious magazines programmes coming from Liverpool's docklands, alongside This Morning and that kids show they did from the short-lived BBC Brunswick Dock studios.</p><p>Rylan is in wipe-clean trousers and sixteen inch heels; Alex Jones has slaughtered a peacock. They've been joined by Sandie Shaw, who is in a plum wedding dress; Cheryl Baker, dressed for David Van Day's funeral; and Sonia, who has nipped along to Monsoon.</p><p><b>7.45</b></p><p>A link-up with Mel out of Mel & Sue, and Scott Mills, out of General Mills, who are doing the coverage for Radio 2 this evening. Mel is wearing a 1970s bedspread in Ukranian colours.</p><p>Rylan has been sent over to get ready for the main show. A countdown clock has appeared on screen. The excitement is... well, being manufactured with all the might they can throw at it.</p><p>It's hard to imagine a Eurovision like this occurring in the Wogan era, isn't it? There was just a little too much ironic distance.</p>
<p>I guess this is some sort of a last-minute primer, for those of you who like to cram:</p>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Say hello to all of our incredible Grand Finalists! 🙌 <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision2023?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision2023</a> <a href="https://t.co/bMOSb2XO0n">pic.twitter.com/bMOSb2XO0n</a></p>— BBC Eurovision (@bbceurovision) <a href="https://twitter.com/bbceurovision/status/1657449820536156161?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><p>One Show now doing a quick tour around the UK, as a prelude to the breathless tour around Europe we'll be getting in about three hours' time.</p><p><b>7.58</b></p><p>How many trailers are they cramming into this programme junction?</p><p>I mean, I can see why they'd be pushing Dannii Minogue's gay dating show here right now, but even so...</p><p>OOOOOOH Doctor Who</p><p><b>8.00</b></p><p>And we're off.</p><p>Is this the first sighting of Graham Norton this year? Bar his crammed-in-a-screen trailer cameo?</p><p>Last year's winning song being done on the top of the Liver Building, with additional Andrew Lloyd-Webber, fresh from closing down his awful Cinderella musical for a second time. Bit like having the bad fairy turn up at a Christening, surely?</p><p>Oh, they've got loads of special guests. And Joss Stone.</p><p>The Princess of Wales has turned up playing the piano, which I guess makes her sort-of Paddington to Eurovision's jubilee?</p><p>(I am now going to be thinking of the Spitting Image sketch of Alastair Burnett fawning over "the dee-ligthful piaaano playing princes' for the rest of the show instead of paying proper attention.)</p><p><b>8.05</b></p><p>Yeah, actually, this was a lot better than Sam Ryder's song, wasn't it?</p><p>I'd forgotten they now make all the acts march out at the start, like it's the parade ring at Aintree.</p><p>This is probably the highest profile the Marks & Spencer Bank has ever achieved, isn't it?</p><p>I'm getting an early sense we're in for a distressing amount of flared trousers this evening.</p><p>Australia have already had a drink or two, then. The Romain guy has come on like he's about to do a so-so magic act on Britain's Got Talent.</p><p>They're interspersing the marching out with little snatches of former Eurovision acts - that one who was like Christopher Biggins with the glittery star on their head.</p><p><b>8.15</b></p><p>Going to be weird for Graham Norton to not be talking over the person doing presentation on the stage, because he IS the person doing presentation on the stage.</p><p>We're getting the explanation of the voting will work later on.</p><p><b>8.20</b></p><p>1. Austria | Teya & Salena - Who The Hell Is Edgar?</p><p>And we're off (properly) now with the Edgar Allen Poe one.</p><p>Teya (or is Salena) is dressed in a black plastic thing made out of the leftovers of Rylan's trousers. </p><p>I like this. It has that bouncy Poe-Poe-Poe bassline, but also has the feel of a musical interlude from a 1980s US high-school sitcom. Mr Kotter explaining The Tell-Tale Heart to the Sweathogs via a daydream sequence.</p><p><b>8.23</b></p><p>2. Portugal | Mimicat - Ai Coração</p><div>Norton is back in the commentary box and has sent Mel out of Mel & Sue who was holding the fort back to Radio 2. </div><div><br /></div><div>Mimicat is being shown walking through a market and smiling coquestishly into camera. A manic pixie dream girl sequence, but this has given way to a sort of flamenco Marilyn Monroe performance.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>8.26</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>Scratch Marilyn. More Goldie Hawn. Maybe post-Cheers Shelley Long.</div><div><br /></div><div>The staging so far seems a lot less elaborate than we've got used to - no sign of magic cages or emerging walls or indoor waterfalls. The night is young, though.</div><div><br /></div><div>3. Switzerland | Remo Forrer - Watergun</div><div><br /></div><div>Remo, bless him, looks like he's on an exchange trip in the preview film shot at Lake Zurich.</div><div><br /></div><div>WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIS TROUSERS? Did he go into Millets and say "give me waders, but sexy"?</div><div><br /></div><div>His dancers are doing some very light bondage, but the song is forgettable ballad.</div><div><br /></div><div>The trousers actually turn out to be shiny in some lights. The trousers are great.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>8.31</b></div><div><br /></div><div>4. Poland | Blanka - Solo</div><div><br /></div><div>Ah, starting with a none-more-80s recorded on video camera effect. You know, like it's Malcolm In The Middle.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think she's got trapped in the video screen backdrop now. "Oh-oh-oh, that's how it goes" is, oh-oh-oh, how the song goes.</div><div><br /></div><div>There's a little dance break, where the dancers use their thighs as additional percussion. Keeps it cheap.</div><div><br /></div><div>Blanka pronouces Solo "solar", which might be a problem given the title of the song.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>8.35</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>5. Serbia | Luke Black - Samo Mi Se Spava</div><div><br /></div><div>Luke Black is showing off his fencing skills in the preview bit, which makes him sound even more like a villain in an Exorcist movie than his name does.</div><div><br /></div><div>Starting his song lying down on the stage in massive boots. The camera pulls back. Surprise! It's not the stage, he's lying in what appears to be one of those baths they stick in posh hotels that you can never use because they're right in front of the window and you can't make the curtains work.</div><div><br /></div><div>This song, apparently, it about playing video games at home. Makes you wonder why nobody's ever thought of that before. Lana Del <i>Who</i>?</div><div><br /></div><div>I hope to god Hasbro aren't watching or there's gonna be a lawsuit over the Transformer-type robot on the screen.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>8.40</b></div><div><br /></div><div>6. France: La Zarra - Évidemment</div><div><br /></div><div>La Zarra rides a very small black horse through her opening video. Maybe she's going to do This Girl Is On Fire from the Lloyds Bank advert.</div><div><br /></div><div>Her dress is large enough that she might have smuggled the horse on stage underneath it.</div><div><br /></div><div>"My heart, my hand, my eyes, my lips - nothing is mine any more" she sings. Well, yes, the terms and conditions on Bluesky are quite strict, but that's the price you pay to avoid Elon Musk, isn't it?</div><div><br /></div><div>We've had the first shower of on-stage sparks of the evening.</div><div><br /></div><div>It was definitely French.</div><div><br /></div><div>Aleesha Dixon has popped up, which can only mean that most of Europe are getting adverts. There's a giant Peppa Pig for us, for some reason.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>8.45</b></div><div><br /></div><div>If Gogglebox don't have the two guys who live in the building they've just shown in the run-up to Cyprus' bit, commenting that their house is on TV, I don't know what we're even doing here.</div><div><br /></div><div>7. Cyprus | Andrew Lambrou - Break A Broken Heart</div><div><br /></div><div>Andrew seems like a nice enough lad. He's got the air of someone from an ITV soap who used to be in a boyband. "Tear me up and move on to another" he sings, and, yes, I think we shall.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>8.50</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>8. Spain: Blanca Paloma - Eaea</div><div><br /></div><div>Blanca Paloma give off the air of what would have happened if you'd locked The Spice Girls in a box and returned twenty years later to set them free.<br /><br />Nice bit of vocal work at the start of the song, though.</div><div><br /></div><div>And the second act to have gone with ghostly hands - the first just had them on-screen, here they're real hands poking through the strings.</div><div><br /></div><div>This sounds like traditional Spanish music having angry sex with EDM. It's all very evocative.</div><div><br /></div><div>Might have forgotten the "song" bit - a problem with a song contest - but sounds amazing.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>8.55</b></div><div><br /></div><div>Uh-oh. The wolves from last year - which made even less sense with English commentary than they did with the Dutch one we had - are back. We're in the 'pretend Junior Eurovision is charming' ad break filler right now.</div><div><br /></div><div>The winner of JunioEuro is announcing Nice as the host for this year's event - the town, not the biscuits. I think not the biscuits.</div><div><br /></div><div>9. Sweden | Loreen - Tattoo</div><div><br /></div><div>I'd like to see Loreen try and unwrap a Dairylea cheese triangle with those nails.</div><div><br /></div><div>This is apparently the favourite this year, but it's kind of Ruslana-lite. I do worry that her big box is going to slam shut on her before the end of the song, though.</div><div><br /></div><div>It all looks a bit like an advert for one of the perfumes that sells well in Superdrug.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>9.00</b></div><div><br /></div><div>Hannah Waddingham is pushing the Eurovision app.</div><div><br /></div><div>10. Albania | Albina & Familja Kelmendi - Duje</div><div><br /></div><div>Sefton Park Palm House getting its big moment on Europe wide television.</div><div><br /></div><div>Albania are looking towards the Urals with their song and its amazing.<br /><br />(Although like a lot of Eurovision entries, it starts off full-throated Eastern European and then mushes in something a bit more package tour of the Med). </div><div><br /></div><div>They're not lying when they say Familija, either. They do look like some sort of mom, dad and sisters outfit.</div><div><br /></div><div>Didn't know how to finish it, though, so just hit a drum and stopped singing.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>9.05</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>11. Italy: Marco Mengoni - Due Vite</div><div><br /></div><div>Marco Mengoni dated your sister in the early 90s. Your Mum didn't approve, he didn't have a job but he had a motorbike and a reputation. In the end, it didn't work out.</div><div><br /></div><div>Surprisingly, he's come on stage wearing a Swarovski vest. I think we now can see why it didn't work out.</div><div><br /></div><div>The lyric repeats the word 'sleep' over and over again. The backdrop looks like a moon. It's too early in the evening to be trying to lull us into having a nap.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>9.10</b></div><div><br /></div><div>12. Estonia | Alika - Bridges</div><div><br /></div><div>"She's bought a self-playing piano with her" says Graham. Pianola. They're called Pianolas.</div><div><br /></div><div>She's sitting at the pianola which carries on happily playing itself, as she laments that all her lies have died. But she's going to build up some bridges to get things back on track. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is very LinkedIn. Focus on you. Change one thing every day.</div><div><br /></div><div>13. Finland | Käärijä - Cha Cha Cha</div><div><br /></div><div>Bring. On. The. Umlauts.<br /><br />Oh, this is the guy who was wandering round wearing what looked like a non-compliant floatation device from a budget airline.</div><div><br /></div><div>He's come on stage in a cage. And in a bit of a rage.</div><div><br /></div><div>I know this is meant to make him seem like a bit of a bad boy, but the climbing out a packing case just makes me think of Issi NoHo.</div><div><br /></div><div>This whole performance is what you'd get if Coronation Street needed to do a scene in an S&M club and had neither the budget to dress the set, not the time to research it.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think I just spotted someone in the audience cosplaying Graham Norton.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>9.20</b></div><div><br /></div><div>14. Czechia | Vesna - My Sister’s Crown</div><div><br /></div><div>There's always one song title that sounds like it's from a PornHub video, isn't there?</div><div><br /></div><div>The look says 'sleepover at Barbie's place'. The music says 'revenge attack on Ken'. The lyrics have some complex ideas about how royalty functions in the 21st Century.</div><div><br /></div><div>This isn't bad, and I'm not just saying that because they are all - clearly - trained assassins. </div><div><br /></div><div><b>9.23</b></div><div><br /></div><div>Aleesha Dixon, PUT THAT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT DOWN NOW BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT.</div><div><br /></div><div>15. Australia | Voyager - Promise</div><div><br /></div><div>They've brought a car on stage. Fair enough, it can be hard to find a parking spot in central Liverpool at the weekends, although I'd have tried the multistorey round the back of Central Station before driving into the Arena.</div><div><br /></div><div>"Have you ever shut the open door?" Yes. That's pretty much what you do with open doors.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's a bit like someone's blown their workers comp payment on remaking Knight Rider with themselves in the lead role.</div><div><br /></div><div>Hold on... was that a keytar? In 2023 you come to me with a keytar?</div><div><br /></div><div><b>9.30</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>16. Belgium | Gustaph - Because Of You</div><div><br /></div><div>Please let this just be the theme to Brush Strokes. </div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, the guy in the massive hat.</div><div><br /></div><div>He's trying to be Boy George. But he's just the bloke who looks after Curious George.</div><div><br /></div><div>I suppose, if you were looking a track to play as incidental music during a challenge on Glow Up, you could use some of this.</div><div><br /></div><div><Checking Twitter> I'm no fan of Mr O'Dowd, but I think he'd have every right to be pissing steam over the way the whole world are happy to see someone in a big hat and think "exactly the same as Boy George"</div><div><br /></div><div>Aleesha has just reassured the rest of the world that Graham Norton hasn't gone home.<br /><br />Meanwhile, on Twitter:</div><div><br /></div><div>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Truth climbing out of his crate to shame mankind <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/whOBOlZeEu">pic.twitter.com/whOBOlZeEu</a></p>— Dr Kate Wiles (@katemond) <a href="https://twitter.com/katemond/status/1657482760221589507?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
17. Armenia | Brunette - Future Lover</div><div><br /></div><div>Brunettte is both lying down, like the lad from earlier, and wearing an outfit apparently made from human skin, like Lorreen. </div><div><br /></div><div>Hold on, that might just be the lighting. Turns out its a dress made from an old white leather sofa and some shoelaces.</div><div><br /></div><div>The stage show is really quite good - stark black and white (now they've stopped the pink lighting anyway). </div><div><br /></div><div>There's some sort of song she's singing, apparently. It's so weak, though, it's vanished in the bit between my ears and my brain.</div><div><br /></div><div>18. Moldova | Pasha Parfeni - Soarele şi Luna</div><div><br /></div><div>Pasha has gone for a tramp in the woods. It's unclear what the tramp did to provoke him. (Joke (c) Bob Monkhouse 1965)</div><div><br /></div><div>Ah, this is 2023's 'one with the massive drums', is it?</div><div><br /></div><div>Pasha looks like Adam Barlow, down to the bun, and has got a woodland spirit playing some sort of flute with him. And his backing singers appear to be half Beyonce, half Unicorn. None of this should work but it's actually alright.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>9.45</b></div><div><br /></div><div>19. Ukraine: TVORCHI - Heart of Steel</div><div><br /></div><div>Ah, Tvorchi. The Bvattery Bvoy.</div><div><br /></div><div>Can Ukraine make it two in a row? And if they do, does the hosting for 2024 go to the second place or do we just accept Liverpool's really good at this and let them do it again?</div><div><br /></div><div>I can see why people like this, and the sentiments are fine, but... it doesn't do it for me.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>9.50</b></div><div><br /></div><div>20. Norway | Alessandra - Queen of Kings</div><div><br /></div><div>Queen of Kings. Someone's going to be bursting into ABC with a plan for a role-reversal reboot in the morning, aren't they?</div><div><br /></div><div>Having said that, this is less sitcom than HBO prestige drama territory, from Alessandra's natty headpiece and flowing cape to the quasi-choral lines about the progress of a royal warrior.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sadly, it's crying out for a 'skip titles' button.</div><div><br /></div><div>21. Germany: Lord of the Lost - Blood & Glitter</div><div><br /></div><div>Or, apparently, the Kerrang one.</div><div><br /></div><div>"Very popular in Germany" says Graham, which I think we all know was meant as a content warning.</div><div><br /></div><div>"We're so happy we could die" they sing, which would really put a wrinkle in the evening, guys.<br /><br />The PVC catsuit is leaving nothing to the imagination, except perhaps thinking about the conversation where they were asking "do you not have this in the next size up?"</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm not sure how the crotch can be both too tight but also slapping about like a carp on the towpath.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>9.57</b></div><div><br /></div><div>22. Lithuania | Monika Linkytė - Stay</div><div><br /></div><div>Monika is wearing boxing gloves and sparring in the little video, and - this might come back to haunt me when it turns out she's Lithuania's Olympic kickboxing champion but - I'd wager that she's never hit anything other than perhaps the 'donate' button on a website raising funds for injured kittens.</div><div><br /></div><div>The song - and the circle of backing singers in sober black - has the air of a Christian rock troupe who are afraid to veer too closely towards gospel lest the audience start speaking in tongues.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>10.01</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>23. Israel | Noa Kirel - Unicorn</div><div><br /></div><div>One of Israel's biggest stars, apparently.</div><div><br /></div><div>She's started apparently trapped inside some sort of Escher nightmare, and when the camera pulls back it looks like she's come onto the stage via a low-budget portal. If Megabus did Stargates.</div><div><br /></div><div>The spine of this song is like synthy indigestion. </div><div><br /></div><div>Look, if we've learned one thing from the films of Tom Cruise, it's that you don't fucking touch unicorns. And this one, especially, you should steer clear of.</div>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Not a good start for Israel, she's already got her foot stuck in the railings <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision2023?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision2023</a> <a href="https://t.co/LtTucJ0Fay">pic.twitter.com/LtTucJ0Fay</a></p>— Drivelcast (@drivelcast) <a href="https://twitter.com/drivelcast/status/1657492074969661442?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<p><b>10.05</b></p><p>24. Slovenia | Joker Out - Carpe Diem</p><p>They're called Joker Out.</p><p>They're called Joker Out.</p><p>Is that as in 'we've prepared the cards for Canasta'? Is that as in 'I'm a bit like Heath Ledger and that's all I've got to say about it'? Is that as in 'Beadle's About and filming a skit dressed up as a policeman'?</p><p>No, it's as in Mark Owen's brief flirtation with an indie music career.</p><p>Another awkward handover between Graham and Mel in the booth, as Norton has man's work to do opening the votes.</p><p>25. Croatia | Let 3 - Mama ŠČ!</p><p>It's Monty Python's Miley Cyrus.</p><p>I suspect if you were Croatian, the satirical bite about tractors would be a bit sharper, but clearly there are going to be people in Croatia having meltdowns that this is the song representing them this year, and you've got to love them for that.</p><p><b>10.15</b></p><p>26. United Kingdom: Mae Muller - I Wrote A Song</p><p>Brave of the BBC to show so much of the UK's waterways tonight; a rivulet of poop colour running through the multicolour celebrations.</p><p>Here we are, then, with the local one. More spooky hands.</p><p>This probably sounds more like a Eurovision song than anything the UK has ever entered into Eurovision. Right down to the da-da-da-das. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.</p><p>I don't think Look East will be searching out a Mae Muller lookalike next year, but I also don't think she'll be mournfully showing her shoes to them in fifteen years time.</p><p><b>10.17</b></p><p>And that's it for the songs. Liverpool is going absolutely apeshit with delight.</p>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">The first lyric of this Eurovision:<br /><br />"oh my god, you're such a good writer"<br /><br />The final lyric of this Eurovision:<br /><br />"instead I wrote a song"<br /><br />Nicely done.</p>— Elaine Scattermoon (@scattermoon) <a href="https://twitter.com/scattermoon/status/1657495395147063296?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">I would love to know what the commentators from countries other than the UK said at this truly iconic moment <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#eurovision</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision2023?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision2023</a> <a href="https://t.co/PZJ2s4NkH4">pic.twitter.com/PZJ2s4NkH4</a></p>— helen 📚 (@HelenJSlater) <a href="https://twitter.com/HelenJSlater/status/1657487561156165636?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<p>And the voting is open.</p><p><b>10.28</b></p><p>Sam Ryder's here, doing a new song. Which at least stopping him making adverts for Vodaphone. Is this his first new song since last year? He did do a lot of things on the New Years Eve show on BBC One, but I was tired and couldn't tell you if they were covers or not. I'm not sure he needs lots of songs. </p><p>Apparently he had Roger Taylor from Queen on the drums, but it looked like Dave from down the market.</p><p>Jan Leeming has been wheeled out to remember hosting Eurovision in Harrogate, while three dozen European networks have their hosts try and explain who she is. Very much the new Katie Boyle.</p>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">I would love to know what the commentators from countries other than the UK said at this truly iconic moment <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#eurovision</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision2023?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision2023</a> <a href="https://t.co/PZJ2s4NkH4">pic.twitter.com/PZJ2s4NkH4</a></p>— helen 📚 (@HelenJSlater) <a href="https://twitter.com/HelenJSlater/status/1657487561156165636?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2023</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<p>We're now getting a bit about the scoring sequence. Because it's not like that won't be going on long enough in its own right and really needs a few extra moments in the sun.</p><p>10.45</p><p>Onto the Mersey song cavalcade. </p><p>A terrible reading of Imagine which only has the soothing balm that Lennon will be spinning in his grave.</p><p>On the other hand, Pete Burns would be loving this version of Spin Me Round by Netta.</p><p>Dadi Freyer has drawn the short straw and is having a crack at making Whole Again into an A-Ha number.</p><p>C'mon, lets have some Half Man Half Biscuit, people.</p><p>Cornelia Jacobs has made I Turn To You so languid that she's delivering it sitting down. Hold on, no, she's fallen into the bath. Producers going wild trying to stop her white singlet turning music's annual festival into a wet t-shirt contest.</p><p>When did we move from ironic love for Sonia into national-treasure love for Sonia? She's being treated here like it's Lady Di come back from the grave.</p><p>Got to be honest, this selection of Liverpool toons is going to scupper the chance of Paul DuNoyer's Wondorous Place getting a reprinting.</p><p>You'll Never Walk Alone being done by someone in a trenchcoat whose name I missed. For balance, they're going to have to do the Z Cars theme, aren't they?</p><p>No McCartney song, huh? I'm revising who I think the Big Secret Surprise act will be in light of this. Unless they're really snubbing him. Maybe Liverpool's not forgiven him for bringing James Corden to the Philharmonic.</p><p><b>23.00</b></p><p>We used to live next door to Atomic Kitten's offices. One night, a very drunk group of young girls stumbled up the street and sang Whole Again through the letter box, apparently convinced the band lived in their office and would welcome a 1am audition. Still did it better than the version we've just heard.</p><p>Voting is closed.</p>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Russia attacked Ternopil, where <a href="https://twitter.com/TvorchiOfficial?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@TvorchiOfficial</a> are from, right before their performance at Eurovision.<a href="https://twitter.com/TvorchiOfficial?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@TvorchiOfficial</a> took this sign to show support for their hometown. We stand with Ternopil and all people in Ukraine who experienced the attack. <a href="https://t.co/pswl2srymC">pic.twitter.com/pswl2srymC</a></p>— UNITED24.media (@United24media) <a href="https://twitter.com/United24media/status/1657499530433110023?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 13, 2023</a></blockquote><p><br /></p><p><b>23.08 </b></p><p>And we're into the jury vote segment. (So no big surprise, then?)</p><p>Ukraine, subtly reminding Liverpool that they're only doing it on Ukraine's behalf. 12 to Sweden.</p><p>Italy - presented by a budget Zendaya - 12 to Israel.</p><p>Latvia's presenter is a crazy guy, with sunglasses on his head and a wacky jacket. Crazy. 12 crazy points to Estonia.</p><p>Already looking a bit grim for the UK.</p><p>Netherlands wearing a sweater that hasn't rendered properly. 12 to Sweden.</p><p>Malta have got security in to give the numbers. "Thank you for hosting an amazing show, but here are the votes from the Maltese jury". 12 to Sweden.</p><p>Moldova offer a budget store Cate Blanchett. 12 to Sweden again.</p><p>Ireland have got "Sonia's nemesis"; although they have given UK 2 - so we're now on six. 12 to Sweden. It's a rout at both ends.</p><p>San Marino have dashed out of a banker's dinner to give 12 to Italy.</p><p><b>23.15</b></p><p>Azerbaijan are giving style, albeit in a thirty years old version. 12 to Israel.</p><p>UK still not picking anything up. That's harsh. Mae's no Bucks Fizz but she deserved a bit more love.</p><p>Austria are wearing a well-meaning slogan tshirt. 12 to Italy. Sweden still have double the votes.</p><p>France, once again in fromt of the fucking Eiffel Tower. Show a bit of imagination, France. 12 to Israel.</p><p>Germany and Croatia are still on zero.</p><p>Finland are fresh from the dungeon. UK get 4 and sneak onto 10; 12 to Sweden.</p><p>Graham looks a bit bored by it all. Been a big day.</p><p>Belgium are, inevitably, wearing a big hat because that's their thing. 12 to Austria. I'd forgotten them.</p><p>Germany's fun, gay uncle gives 12 to Sweden. We're gonna see those nails again.</p><p><b>11.20</b></p><p>Portugal have their scores, which is reassuring. 12 to Australia. (<whispers>I think Portugal are stoned.</whispers>)</p><p>Croatia give 12 to Italy.</p><p>Estonia are recently divorced. 12 to Sweden, but then they would.</p><p>Armenia are on their way to a fetish club but drop 12 off for Israel first.</p><p><b>11.25</b></p><p>Poland are dressed for heavy rain in a glittery anorak. 12 to Israel.</p><p>Romania have got some nice fountains. "Good evening beautiful world". 12 to Italy. This might just close the gap enough to make the viewers vote meaningful.</p><p>Germany still on a flat zero. Everyone's forgotten the UK even exists.</p><p>And we're now filling a commercial break gap by chatting to Sweden. Loreen doesn't know what to say.</p><p><b>11.30</b></p><p>They had been doing a top 3 summary, but now they've expanded it top 5 because 'who will come third' is suddenly more of a exciting question.</p><p>Iceland have sent some sort of killer robot from the future and he's doing a very slow striptease which is pushing the News back to 1am. Australia get their 12 points, and we're all going to have a word with Iceland after the programme is over. We're not angry, just disappointed.</p><p>Serbia have dressed as a cowgirl who also busses tables. 12 to Slovenia.</p><p>Cyprus has donned a floral print suit jacket which actually is working for him. 12 to Sweden.</p><p>Ben From A1 is in Oslo to do the Norway votes. He's got his wolf head with him. 12 to Finland, and Terry Wogan's ghost mutters 'told you so'.</p><p>Smiley Switzerland are represented by Fred from Angel. 12 to Czechia.</p><p>Australia have got Su Pollard's aunt. "Definitely worth waking up for" she says, although Graham looks like he disagrees. 12 to Belguim.</p><p><b>11.35</b></p><p>Denmark's scores come from someone so Danish she's practically made of butter. 12 to Finland.</p><p>Spain showing a bit of leg and some Dua Lipa action. Nobody's giving anything to Mae. 12 to Sweden. 134 points ahead now.</p><p>Israel have got their first ever entrant back, 50 years on, to give 12 to Sweden. Got to say she doesn't seem entirely thrilled.</p><p>Sweden have given 4 to the UK, but it's meaningless now. 12 to Finland.</p><p>The audience love it when Finland get a 12. Get a bit rowdy. Peter Kavanaghs at chucking out time rowdy.</p><p>Sweden are miles ahead.</p><p>Georgia have tried to out-wacky everyone. Mel is chuckling. Don't indulge them, Mel. 12 to Belgium. Bad hat boys stick together.</p><p>Czechia give their 12 to Ukraine, who had been languishing in the lower middle of the table so far.</p><p>Slovenia have splurged on those earrings. They really shouldn't, but they couldn't resist them. 12 to Italy.</p><p>Greece take Sweden over 300 but only gave them 6. They're wearing a polyester suit jacket. 12 to Belgium.</p><p><b>11.45</b></p><p>Albania think it would be a shame if anything happened to your lovely shop. 12 to Sweden.</p><p>Lithuania are so excited to be here. 12 to Sweden.</p><p>And finally, we're getting Catherine Tate with the UK votes, deservedly milking it for all its worth. 12 to Sweden.</p><p>So, jury votes counted - Sweden 340, followed by Israel on 177. UK fifth from bottom on 15. No nul points this year.</p><p><b>11.48</b></p><p>Time for the votes from the people at home. They've been checked. They've been verified. Georgia have deleted dozens of votes for Trump. We're POISED.</p><p><b>11.50</b></p><p>Germany get a dribble from the public - an extra 15</p><p>Croatia - 112</p><p>Poland - 81</p><p>(at this stage, countries need over 300 to be in with a chance)</p><p>Serbia 16</p><p>The UK... get a large cheer and an extra 9. Which is just enough to not become bottom. But the audience isn't happy.</p><p>Albania 59 </p><p>Moldavia 76</p><p>Slovenia 54</p><p>Portugal 16</p><p>Norway 216</p><p>a lot but won't make much difference</p><p>France 50</p><p>Ukraine 189</p><p>Switzerland 31</p><p>Cyprus 58</p><p>Armenia 53</p><p>These points are fairly equally distributed</p><p>Lithuania 46</p><p>Czechia 35</p><p>Looking very much in the bag for Sweden</p><p>Spain 5</p><p>Austria a surprising 16</p><p>Belgium 55</p><p>Australia 21 (Graham can't quite believe this)</p><p>Estonia 22</p><p>The audience are sounding a bit restless as we get to Finland</p><p>Finland 376 - spring into the lead</p><p>This has, for the first time all evening, started to feel like a contest.</p><p><b>Midnight</b></p><p>We're overruning now</p><p>Italy 174. So not their year.</p><p>Israel 185. Not their year.</p><p>Only Sweden can win now.</p><p>Sweden need 187 to win.</p><p>They get 243.</p><p>Loreen is now going to have perform again despite being very - uh - relaxed.</p><p>What have we learned?</p><p>So... the Liverpool Echo's big secret surprise act... doesn't seem to have been a thing at all. And, really, isn't that the biggest surprise of them all?</p><p>Normally the UK does poorly and, really, you just shrug and go 'yeah, probably deserved that' but Mae Muller should have been higher. Not top five, but a ought to have got a decent three figures.<br /></p><p>Catherine Tate really enjoyed her evening.</p><p>Iceland either were trying to be funny and ended up being disturbing, or are just genuinely disturbing.</p><p>Loreen has won by having a song that has just enough of The Winner Takes It All in its DNA to trigger thoughts of Abba, but making her do her act in that crushing block thing after an evening of refreshing drinks is an industrial injury waiting to happen.</p><p>Liverpool know how to host a Eurovision and probably should do it every year. (Although I pray to God nobody's thinking 'hey, how can we do an annual UKvision song contest')</p><p>It's been fun. Maybe see you next year?</p> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
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<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-12172354647017553792021-05-26T10:21:00.001+00:002021-05-26T10:21:07.508+00:00Liz Truss: An apology<p>Earlier this week, I wrote a post based on a short report about Liz Truss' comments on Eurovision where I assumed she didn't really know what she was talking about.</p><p>Having now seen <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2021/may/24/eurovision-maneskin-lead-singer-cleared-of-taking-drugs-at-final">seen her full quote</a> I would like to apologise. I seriously underestimated how far from informed she was.</p><blockquote><p class="dcr-1m34hpq" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #121212; font-family: GuardianTextEgyptian, "Guardian Text Egyptian Web", Georgia, serif; font-size: 1.0625rem; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: common-ligatures; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px 0px 1rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Earlier, the international trade secretary, Liz Truss, dismissed the idea that the UK’s nul points was a “post-Brexit snub”. She told LBC there was a “fundamental problem” with the way entrants are currently chosen and suggested the BBC shouldn’t choose future artists.</p><p class="dcr-1m34hpq" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; color: #121212; font-family: GuardianTextEgyptian, "Guardian Text Egyptian Web", Georgia, serif; font-size: 1.0625rem; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-ligatures: common-ligatures; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px 0px 1rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">“I think we need to have more competition to get the right entrant, I think they need to be more tested with the public,” she said. “I’m here today at LBC responding to questions from listeners, that’s the kind of testing that we need our song contest entrant to go through. So maybe it should be LBC that’s running it, not the BBC.”</p></blockquote><p>There's a lot to unpack here. I think we can safely say that Eurovision is not Truss' field of expertise. I'm not sure such a Trussian field of expertise actually exists. It might just be better to accept that Truss, like a confused sheep on an A-road, has somehow found herself outside a field.</p><p>It's perhaps unsurprising that Truss seems to think that going on LBC is somehow part of the democratic process and doesn't realise that, you know, she's an MP and should be listening to the public in the form of her constituents on a regular basis.</p><p>It's perhaps unsurprising that Truss also confuses what you hear being honked through the switchboard at Global Radio is a representative slice of informed public opinion and not merely the confused wheezing of people who are dull enough to tune into LBC and puffed-up enough to be bothered to call in. These are people using their time to put questions to you, Liz. That should be a big red flag for a start.</p><p>But let's put that to one side, and focus on the barely-beating heart of Liz's argument. Is the suggestion that LBC should choose the entrant Liz being playful, or is she seriously suggesting that a talk radio network ought to be choosing a song?</p><p>Taking that idea as being a sensible suggestion, and accepting that LBC listeners would probably choose Nigel Farage doing some skiffle as our entry, there's a bit of a problem with it. <a href="http://static.ofcom.org.uk/static/radiolicensing/html/radio-stations/analogue/al000008ba3lbc973.htm">LBC is not, under its broadcast licence, allowed to play music</a> except for "illustrative" purposes. So Liz is floating the idea that, in future, it would be better to have our entry for a song contest chosen by listeners to a radio station that cannot play music. </p><p>That's probably not as unlikely as it sounds. LBC often invites its audience to vote on matters about which it is incapable of providing them the basics they need to make a valid opinion. But do we really think a song chosen on such a basis would perform any better at Eurovision, than the results of a Twitter poll asking "something something is it too woke" is at shaping public policy?</p><p>If we remove LBC from the mix, though, Liz is suggesting that the reason we flop on the big stage is because BBC clipboards are picking a winner and it would be better put to a public vote. We've already pointed out that Liz seems unaware of the involvement of BMG employees in the process - people whose business is driven by an understanding of what popular music with the widest appeal sounds like - but let's assume that Truss is mostly concerned about the lack of transparency in the process. After all, we're talking about a song contest here, not something trivial like the procurement of PPE during a pandemic.</p><p>Liz Truss is a cabinet minister in a government led by the apparent offspring of Humphrey Cushion and Arthur Daley who somehow managed to achieve an enormous majority in the last general election. It's clear why she might have more faith in the outcome of asking the Great British Public 'what do you think?' than those of us who have to live with the consequences.</p><p>That, though, isn't the real problem with Truss popping up to go 'why don't we ask the public?' Because, Liz, that's also been tried. It's been tried a lot. Asking the public, Liz, was what was done between 1957 and 2010, and then again between 2016 and 2019.</p><p>Now, fair enough, that means that The Public picked Bucks Fizz and Lulu and the Brotherhood of Man, but if we focus on their more recent form, you'd have to admit that the Public aren't really all that good at this selection business.</p><p>Joe And Jake? 24th in 2016. Michael Rice? 2018's choice came bottom of the heap.</p><p>More curiously, although the public chose the tracks between 2016 and 2019, the chart positions of those songs suggests that, actually, nobody very much liked them. In fact, no public-selected Eurovision candidate has made the Top 20 since Scooch back in 2007, and there hasn't been a number one since Gina G in 1996. Michael Rice's single didn't even make the charts.</p><p>So asking the public to choose the song they like best simply results in them choosing a song they like well enough to send to Europe but not so much that they'd actually pay for it (or, in modern chart terms, even listen to it enough.) Which raises the obvious question: if it's a song that the UK public don't invest time or money in, why would you expect the European public to give more of a shit when picking a winner?</p><p>Obviously, Liz Truss doesn't really give a raspberry tuppence about what happens in the Eurovision Song Contest, any more than I have any investment in who wins her local Conservative Association's Who Can Put The Most Spaghetti Down Their Trousers fund raiser, and the chance to attack the BBC over anything has ministers' knees jerking like they're auditioning for a spot in a Restless Leg Syndrome infomercial.</p><p>But, he says spinning to a close-up camera and pulling a serious face, this kind of rough-and-tumble over Eurovision, in which a woefully ill-informed person with a not-very-hidden agenda drives over the creative industries for a spot of sport is like a little microcosm of how the nation is now. There's no analysis, no understanding, no - god forbid - research. Just a stupid, unworkable proposal plucked from the air while Nick Ferrari is cuing up the next advert for a walk-in bath. If you really believe Eurovision deserves your opinion, Liz, could you do us all a favour and put some thought into shaping that opinion?</p><p>Anyway, this blog is on hiatus.</p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
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<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com47tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-57062908921804934032021-05-25T13:38:00.003+00:002021-05-25T13:38:56.914+00:00This just in: Nobody got nothing at the Brits<p>Some happy news this afternoon, as the testing for the Brits' live event has been completed, and <a href="https://www.musicweek.com/live/read/brits-boost-for-return-of-live-music-in-june-as-test-event-records-zero-covid-cases/083355">nobody got coronavirus as a result of being near Lewis Capaldi</a>.</p><p>Given how many previous Brits Award shows have left so many people feeling sick, this is a solid demonstration of what happens when you don't ask James Corden to host. Oh, and run a covid-aware event.</p><p><br /></p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
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<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-65441720308621240072021-05-24T12:47:00.001+00:002021-05-24T12:47:31.962+00:00Eurovision postscript<p>New intelligence on what absolutely nobody is calling Snortgate</p>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Look I don't know if this person is correct BUT this is the sort of energy I want to see behind debunking <br /><br />We all have useless degrees it's time to get using them <a href="https://t.co/J0Q4dJrwbH">pic.twitter.com/J0Q4dJrwbH</a></p>— Rachael Krishna (@RachaelKrishna) <a href="https://twitter.com/RachaelKrishna/status/1396791712404627456?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 24, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<p>Meanwhile, Liz Truss has suggested that the BBC be stripped of its responsibility for choosing the UK's entrant. She squirted this thought into the world on Nick Ferrari's LBC show, and marks a strange decision for Truss to move her remit from the job she's being well paid to do badly, onto something that she clearly doesn't understand. Sorry, onto something else that she clearly doesn't understand.</p>
<p>Perhaps if she knew that the choice of UK entrant is actually one of those public-private partnerships so beloved of the Tories - BMG have a voice, too - she might have come to a different decision. Sadly, Nick didn't take the opportunity to grill Truss on what her proposal for an alternative selection process might look like, nor to ask her what she saw as the flaws in the current process.</p>
<p>With most of the Cabinet currently subtly pushing the line that the BBC killed Diana, I suppose Truss focusing on Broadcasting House's culpability for Jemini marks her out as a more liberal part of Johnson's team.</p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
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<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-13751064400558297902021-05-22T12:37:00.126+00:002021-05-22T23:08:06.636+00:00Liveblog: Eurovision 2021<p><b>1.30pm</b></p><p>Someone asked me a few days back on Twitter if I was going to do this, this year; and I said I was quite prepared to interpret that as "overwhelming public demand". The exchange has since disappeared from my timeline, and I'm presuming that the person responsible has gone into hiding to avoid retribution from their friends and neighbours.</p><p>It's all too late, though, as here we all are. Back, again.</p><p>I'm not sure about the idea that Eurovision is rebooting live music after the pandemic - it's a bit like professional sports putting the Olympics and FA Cup on hold and giving the first outing to Jeux Sans Frontières instead. (And I know that the Brits organisers probably grind their teeth that, having done their best-show-albeit-with-a-low-bar-to-clear in about a decade, and having had a large crowd, the narrative is still that this is the kick-off point for The Comeback of Live Audiences. It's not enough to be first, darlings, you must be flamboyant enough for people to believe you're the first, and the hard work put in by Dua Lipa can be so easily erased by Lewis Capaldi having been left alone with a lager top before he takes to the stage.)</p><p>As usual, I've gone out of my way to try and avoid coming across any of the entries before tonight, so that I can look at them through fresh eyes. Not unjaundiced eyes; I've not looked at anything like that since about the time the BBC stopped Teddy Edward reruns. But fresh eyes.</p><p>So... back here, later, then to see if we can all remember how to watch music. </p><p><br /></p><p><b>7.30pm</b></p><p>BBC One is warming us up for an evening of shall-we-say magic with that odd 'can you tell who is a good singer by looking at them' show; the weirdest format of them all since the answer is obviously 'no, all you can do is guess'. There's a contestant saying that it's really easy if you're a good salsa dancer to add some lipsyncing to it. They're saying it with a degree of confidence that is impressive, but almost certainly misplaced.</p><p>Still, it's nice to see a programme where being a shit singer doesn't make you a target for ridicule.</p><p><b>7.45pm</b></p><p>Elsewhere, the Glastonbury livestream is providing a realistic experience as nobody seems to be able to get to see the bands they were hoping for, although it's invalid code messages rather than slow-moving crowds traipsing through mud that's blocking people from getting in front of Wolf Alice.</p><p><b>7.55pm</b></p><p>The only thing that makes no sense about I Can See Your Voice is that... even bad singers aren't bad as the bad singers here. I mean, the woman who has just done a Debbie Harry bit is so comically bad even Gareth Malone might just shake his head and say 'maybe stand at the back and open and close your mouth in time with the tune'.</p><p><b>8.00pm</b></p><p><b>And we're offffffffffffff!</b></p><p>It's a montage!</p><p>A Eurovision montage of people doing things outdoors. How we've missed you, Eurovision montages.</p><p>And now we're in the studio, which seems to be a tribute to Jailhouse Rock. In Space.</p><p>Oh, and it's the Olympic-style walk-on of all the artists...</p><p><b>8.05pm</b></p><p>Switzerland appear to have sent Michael McIntyre along. And didn't quite catch what nation that was, but the trio all in lemon make me fear we're in for a very long night indeed.</p><p><br /></p><p>Oooh... is Graham Norton signalling the number of Instagram followers one contestant has as a subtle way of suggesting she's got international support that could swing the evening for her?</p><p>Shots of the audience in what I'm trying to not think of as a massive plague pit.</p><p>The bloke presenter has got a gravity-defying haircut. It is literally ALL the backcombing in honour of National Goth Day.</p><p>They've had 24 months to write the bit of business for the introduction. That time has not, I'm afraid, been put to good use.</p><p><br /></p><p>8.10</p><p>Cyprus <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/elena-tsagrinou-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Elena Tsagrinou</a> El Diablo</p><p>Nice dress, in a Littlewoods doing Anne Summers way. The song is a bit stop-start and has a dreadful rap bit in the middle that drags it down. The backing singers, though, have come as Britney from the Oops video. It's a strong start.</p><p>8.15</p><p>Albania A<a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/anxhela-peristeri-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">nxhela Peristeri</a> Karma</p><p>From the devil to karma. We're in for that sort of a night are we.</p><p>She's wearing the same dress. Is that safe in the current climate?</p><p>Nice flash of red smoke in the background. It's a bit more California evacuating as trees burn than Tales of the Unexpected.</p><p>Unquestionably it sounds Albanian.</p><p>There's a bloke in the audience with an Albanian flag who, really, appeared to be clapping out of nationalism rather than enthisiasm.</p><p><br /></p><p>Israel <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/eden-alene-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Eden Alene</a> Set Me Free</p><p>Graham Norton promises the highest note ever sung at Eurovision.</p><p>She looks a bit FKA Twigs. She sounds a bit like early 2010s chart music. (Actually, this sounds precisely like the Eurovision song that was playing in Chiquito earlier which I couldn't remember the name of then, either.)</p><p>Obviously, even with the best will in the world Israel is going to struggle to get much support tonight.</p><p>The high note was just a squeal. And it didn't shatter any glasses here. Might have been better off with Memorex.</p><p><br /></p><p>8.20</p><p>Belgium <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/hooverphonic-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Hooverphonic</a> The Wrong Place</p><p>Hooverphonic sounds like the sort of band who would be the last track on a free Melody Maker cover mount, included so that the record label would allow the Shed Seven track to appear.</p><p>The drummer has taken time off from teaching science in the local comp; the singer is possibly a reanimated Lulu. </p><p>The song is better than it has any right to be based on the foregoing observations. But it's going to need to build to something. </p><p>Those boots look like they might be gardening wellingtons. </p><p>I don't think this is going to build to anything.</p><p>No. It just ended. Hooverphonic just sort-of sucked.</p><p><br /></p><p>Russia <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/manizha-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Manizha</a> Russian Woman</p><p>Song title or opening gambit in an unsolicited email pledging to be marriage minded and disease free?</p><p>Oh, that dress is going to open up, isn't it?</p><p>Yes, it does, to reveal a boiler suit.</p><p>Her backing singers are wrapped up like cheap supermarket chocolate biscuits.</p><p>It's more Russian than the Albanian one was Albanian. I suppose this is what happens when you stay at home for months on end.</p><p>"Don't be afraid" she keeps chanting, which is one of those phrases that sounds more ominous the more it gets repeated, isn't it?</p><p>The back wall appears to have turned into a Zoom conference. Might have been the Russians hacking the judging sessions and accidentally pressing the wrong button.</p><p><br /></p><p>8.30</p><p>Malta De<a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/destiny-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">stiny</a> Je Me Casse</p><p>Now, the BBC News were talking about her last night, in the gaps when they weren't beating themselves up about Diana, so I have heard bits of this before. Not sure about the lilac bodysuits for the backing dancers, and it's that dress from the first two again, but... this is ballsy. I like this.</p><span></span><p>Portugal <span face="HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif" style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(49, 130, 206); color: #3182ce; font-size: 14px; font-weight: bold;">The Black Mamba Love Is On My Side</span></p><p>Love may be on his side, but that hat is counting against him. A ten gallon hat on a two litre head.</p><p>I bet the restaurants reopening gave him a difficult choice about which job to go with this evening.</p><p>Over on Twitter, <a href="https://twitter.com/jamesv_t">James</a> has told me that it's Lituania who came on all in yellow, so that's something to watch out for.<a class="css-4rbku5 css-18t94o4 css-1dbjc4n r-1loqt21 r-1wbh5a2 r-dnmrzs r-1ny4l3l" href="https://twitter.com/jamesv_t" role="link" style="-webkit-box-align: stretch; -webkit-box-direction: normal; -webkit-box-orient: vertical; align-items: stretch; border: 0px solid black; box-sizing: border-box; color: inherit; cursor: pointer; display: inline; flex-basis: auto; flex-direction: column; flex-shrink: 1; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant-caps: inherit; line-height: inherit; list-style: none; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; min-height: 0px; min-width: 0px; outline-style: none; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: inherit; text-decoration: none; z-index: 0;"></a></p><p>Portugal ended with a promise that they'd be making love tonight. I suspect they won't.</p><p>8.40</p><p>Serbia <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/hurricane-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Hurricane</a> Loco Loco</p><p>This is Ruslana-by-numbers and I'm fine with that. Even the "don't forget the robot" loco-loco vocaliser bits</p><p><br /></p><p>Eurovision is going for a break, so they're doing something that appears to be hacked together from stuff they found on Instagram.</p><p>8.45</p><p>Now, the bit we've all been waiting for, like the way we wait for a visit to the dentist, or the death of a beloved pet. It's the UK entry.</p><p>UK <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/james-newman-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">James Newman</a> Embers</p><p>Graham Norton keeps saying he wrote his own song. In a way that makes it sound like we should be kind to him because of it.</p><p>James is being menaced by a pair of giant cartoon trumpets, which is a curious design choice.</p><p>Oh, he's like Rag And Bone Man auditioning for Take That.</p><p>Probably deserves more than the twelve points it's going to inevitably score.</p><p>The more it goes on, the more I like this, but I don't think we have the two hours it would need to go on for me to like it enough to ever want to hear it again.</p><p>Greece <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/stefania-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Stefania</a> Last Dance</p><p>She's on a bare stage wearing a glittery purple outfit, but I fear that won't last.</p><p>Oh, lord, it's someone doing the sort of "I'm just dancing trousers" schtick ITV used to pop into Paperplay to enliven a dull episode or two.</p><p>There's also apparently a song here, but I'm not sure.</p><p>Switzerland <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/gjons-tears-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Gjon's Tears</a> Tout L'Univers</p><p>He looks a lot less than Michael McIntyre than I thought when I saw him earlier, and unfortunately that turns out to be all that he had going for him.</p><p>He also looks like he's about to burst into tears. Which might explain his stage name.</p><p>Mitteleurop Ken Doll Pop.</p><p>9.00pm</p><p>Iceland <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/dadi-og-gagnamagnid-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Daði og Gagnamagnið</a> 10 Years</p><p>Graham Norton does appear to be tipping everyone for victory this year.</p><p>This is the second rehearsal rather than live tonight, because of covid. If they do win, what would happen, though? They can't come on to play the song, as they're holed up in their hotel isolating. I now want them to win just to find out the answer to that question.</p><p>I know everyone likes their quirky style, but the amusing Christmas Jumper meets mining schtick isn't doing it for me.</p><p>Hold on, though, the using the curved keyboards to create a prison for themselves is a nice move. Although a bit ironic given they're locked up in a hotel room tonight.</p><p>Spain <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/blas-canto-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Blas Cantó</a> <span face="HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif" style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;">Voy A Quedarme</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white;"><span face="HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Fira Sans, Droid Sans, Helvetica Neue, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 14px;">We're promised "the largest prop" ever tonight, although at first I thought Norton had said "largest cock", and when the guy came on I thought "yeah, sounds about right"</span></span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white;"><span face="HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Fira Sans, Droid Sans, Helvetica Neue, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 14px;">I'll bet his sweating like a fucker in that shirt (ten euros, from Primark)</span></span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white;"><span face="HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Fira Sans, Droid Sans, Helvetica Neue, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 14px;">The big prop is a large moon hanging from the sky.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white;"><span face="HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Fira Sans, Droid Sans, Helvetica Neue, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Wait... that's not a moon...</span></span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white;"><span face="HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Fira Sans, Droid Sans, Helvetica Neue, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Sadly, it's not a Death Star, either. So it just looks like Miley Cyrus fell off her Wrecking Ball on the way to the stage.</span></span></span></p><p>9.05</p><p>Moldova <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/natalia-gordienko-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Natalia Gordienko</a> SUGAR</p><p>It's that same dress again. And she's being backed up by four men from the Chippendales version of Men In Black.</p><p>The song is called Sugar, presumably, because it's a bit of a lump.</p><p>Ooh, we're being treated to the old Max Headroom backdrop. Someone at Moldovan TV has been going through their old VHS tapes.</p><p>Pretty certain the dancers are just there to stop her claiming political asylum.</p><p>Germany <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/jendrik-sigwart-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Jendrik</a> I Don't Feel Hate</p><p>He's got a necklace that reads "annoying", which has at least saved about three seconds of processing time because... yeah, that's what this song is.</p><p>There's... a woman... wearing a giant hand costume which appears to be giving the whole of Europe the finger.</p><p>"I don't feel hate" says Jendrik. In a way that is rather challenging if he wants the rest of us to join him.</p><p>Oh god, he even does a little Thought For The Day at the end.</p><p>I don't feel hate, but I really don't feel love, either.</p><p>Finland <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/blind-channel-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Blind Channel</a> Dark Side</p><p>Tonight's slice of hard rock.</p><p>But it's not Lorde hard rock. It's the guy from the deli down the road, right, well his girlfriend's son has got a band, and they've rehearsed a few times and they're alright.</p><p>A-grade eyeliner game, though. They should try Glow Up next year. Give the Eurovision a swerve.</p><p><br /></p> <p>Quick dip into Twitter as they taek a break:</p><blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Germany's entry is every white cis gay man who "has his" and thinks everyone should just stop being mad.</p>— AshleyNova is Querying Life (@DrAshleyNova) <a href="https://twitter.com/DrAshleyNova/status/1396197823742369792?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en"><a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/fin?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#fin</a> what’s “Korn” in Finnish?</p>— Gareth (@gwinch) <a href="https://twitter.com/gwinch/status/1396197948027965450?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">That's me. <a href="https://t.co/wjTtLb6mIN">pic.twitter.com/wjTtLb6mIN</a></p>— The Tweets (@Needles_Toosay) <a href="https://twitter.com/Needles_Toosay/status/1396198786251333632?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote><p><br /></p><p>9..20</p><p>Bulgaria Victoria Growing Up Is Getting Old</p><p>This is quite nice, but... it's very much The Sort Of Song That We Had A Lot Of Through Necessity In The Last Twelve Months. An NPR Tiny Desk At Home Concert for Europe.</p><p>Lithuania <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/the-roop-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">The Roop</a> Discoteque</p><p>Here's my lovely little lemons, just as the laptop I've dragged out for tonight starts to melt down. A song about discotheques! In 2021! Apparently written by someone who has never been to a discotheque. Or perhaps heard music.</p><p>The dancing is a little bit... emphatic. The sort of dance you'd expect someone in a yellow outfit to be doing. You can't ignore it, but you know in your heart you really ought to not be giving them the attention.</p><p>9.30</p><p>Ukraine <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/go-a-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Go_A</a> Shum</p><p>They've bought a tiny part of an enchanted forest. And there's an element of throat singing going on. I don't know this is quite the noise they wanted to make when they set out, and it is getting a bit 'the room is spinning and I might throw up' but... there's something.</p><p>Hold on: is she salting herself up?</p><p>Extra marks for not using the massive bongos at the side of the stage.</p><p>France <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/barbara-pravi-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Barbara Pravi</a> Volia</p><p>Graham Norton thinks this one could win, too. Graham, you can't introduce every song with a 'might win' just so you can go 'called it' at the end.</p><p>She's forgotten her blouse. She'll catch a chill, the way the wind whips in from the North Sea in Rotterdam.</p><p>This song is so French it could blockade a port all on its own.</p><p>Azerbaijan <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/efendi-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Efendi</a> Mata Hari</p><p>The giant moon was one thing, but coming on with a massive chocolate orange hanging from the rafters is inspired.</p><p>They know Beyonce will find out they've ripped off Survivor, right?</p><p>Ooh, there's a big snake in the chocolate orange now. Have they confused Mata Hari with Cleopatra?</p><p>Norway <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/tix-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">TIX</a> Angel</p><p>"He's gonna come on dressed as an angel, see, because the song is called Angel, right, geddit? But, no, wait, he's in chains, too, with four people tugging at them. And they're... no, wait, you're gonna love this, right, they're dressed as devils, see? "</p><p>The embracing and centring of his facial tics in front of a massive audience is to be applauded, but... the song... maybe not so much.</p><p>9.45 </p><p>Netherlands <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/jeangu-macrooy-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Jeangu Macrooy</a> Birth of a New Age</p><p>Home town act. Instantly popular with the Plague Pit.</p><p>There's a crumbling wall behind him. Is this new age the fall of the Berlin Wall? The music seems to be from the same era.</p><p>His suit makes it look a bit like he's wet himself.</p><p>Hang on, the wall is now saying "You can't break me", which given it started off by developing a massive crack is a confusing message to be sending out.</p><p>9.50 </p><p>Italy <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/maneskin-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Måneskin</a> Zitti E Buoni</p><p>Zitti E Buoni always my go-to choice at Prezzo, of course.</p><p>It's heavy metal, if your only experience of metal is Cirque Du Soliel doing a tribute to Kiss.</p><p>The size of the heels, though. Is that style, or is just compensatory?</p><p>Rotterdam! Are you ready to rock? Again? Just a little bit?</p><p>The glances at the audience suggests Rotterdam is not ready.</p><p>Sweden <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/tusse-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Tusse</a> Voices</p><p>We've not seen much of that bendy-over, wavy hand dancing on Eurovision. Judging by how we've only just got to songs about discos, it'll be about 2036 before that really starts to show up on the Eurovision stage.</p><p>I think Tusse has a lot more personality than this song is allowing him to express, which is a bit of a shame.</p><p>San Marino <a class="font-bold text-blue-600 hover:underline" href="https://eurovision.tv/participant/senhit-2021" style="--tw-ring-color: rgba(66, 153, 225, 0.5); --tw-ring-inset: var(--tw-empty, ); --tw-ring-offset-color: #fff; --tw-ring-offset-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-ring-offset-width: 0px; --tw-ring-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-shadow: 0 0 #0000; --tw-text-opacity: 1; -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px solid rgb(229, 231, 235); box-sizing: border-box; color: rgba(49,130,206,var(--tw-text-opacity)); font-family: HKGrotesk, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: inherit;">Senhit</a> Adrenalina</p><p>We're nearly at the end of the first half.</p><p>I was about to say 'some national dress' and then realised I have no idea what the national dress of San Marino would even look like, and by the time I'd finished that thought she'd thrown it off and was rolling round the floor.</p><p>Norton said this was a fitting song to end on, and it does have "yes, this is probably enough songs now, thank you" vibe to it.</p><p>Florida has turned up now - the rapper, not the state - for no reason other than to provide pub quiz questions for the next decade.</p><p>10.00pm</p><p>All over bar the voting, then.</p><p>Oh, god. The voting.</p><p>Let's have another dip into Twitter:</p><p><br /></p> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">According to Popbitch, Flo Rida's appearance with San Marino at <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> is being paid for by Panini, the sticker company. It worked out quite well - If this was 1986 they'd have got Peter Beardsley.</p>— Drivelcast (@drivelcast) <a href="https://twitter.com/drivelcast/status/1396209601394135041?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<p>That... clears that up, then.</p>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">yet another unrealistic body standard for women <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/jaigmbV2cN">pic.twitter.com/jaigmbV2cN</a></p>— three steaks pam (@alexandrakuri) <a href="https://twitter.com/alexandrakuri/status/1396206467464695816?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<p>The giant finger woman has won tonight - official.</p>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">“it’s a five foot cock and balls man” <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/M0dTLnGOa0">pic.twitter.com/M0dTLnGOa0</a></p>— three steaks pam (@alexandrakuri) <a href="https://twitter.com/alexandrakuri/status/1396200536475590656?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Wearing all your clothes to the airport to avoid the extra baggage charges <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/zTs4TkM4yg">pic.twitter.com/zTs4TkM4yg</a></p>— Michael Fry (@BigDirtyFry) <a href="https://twitter.com/BigDirtyFry/status/1396186231218782210?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote><p>10.15</p><p>While the votes have poured in, and my laptop crashed again, we've had some sort of classical-dj collaboration with a spot of augmented reality. It's so 2016 it's going to vote for Hillary Clinton.</p><p>The video featured a couple of kids running away from a parent. Only they caught a tram, which is going to have given him a pretty good idea of where they were going. He did catch up with them but, the magic DJ music made him turn from being a sort-of-grumpy probably-racist into a smiley dancing dad. Eternal story, isn't it?</p><p>10.20</p><p>Voting numbers recap again, so another quick dip into Twitter:</p><p><br /></p> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Iceland met on series 2 of The Crystal Maze <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/bSpCq1Lp1B">pic.twitter.com/bSpCq1Lp1B</a></p>— Neighbantz (@neighbantz) <a href="https://twitter.com/neighbantz/status/1396212538031869953?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Still recovering from the whiplash I got after Finland followed Germany <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a></p>— Beth (@0hMySt4rs) <a href="https://twitter.com/0hMySt4rs/status/1396213610179858439?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="und"><a href="https://t.co/sTbig3F3dl">pic.twitter.com/sTbig3F3dl</a></p>— Hammer & Forensickle (@catherinebuca) <a href="https://twitter.com/catherinebuca/status/1396191080975151109?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<p>Read this thinking "what song are they parsing so closely? and then realised it was Gary Numan doing something else:</p><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">There is a tiny percussion loop in the background that makes an enormous difference to the power of the groove. If it’s even remotely quiet the groove doesn’t work at all and the song drags badly, and yet you barely notice it when it’s there. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/TimsListeningParty?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#TimsListeningParty</a></p>— Gary Numan (@numanofficial) <a href="https://twitter.com/numanofficial/status/1396213183132667905?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote><p><br /></p><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en"><a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <br /><br />Me in my head Me in real life <a href="https://t.co/A8RaYgM573">pic.twitter.com/A8RaYgM573</a></p>— Solitaire Townsend (@GreenSolitaire) <a href="https://twitter.com/GreenSolitaire/status/1396213145551753223?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><p>The comedy bit was mercifully short and unsurprisingly unfunny. </p><p>10.40</p><p>So, over at Glastonbury they had to take down the paywall - which is a digital revival of the 1980s tradition of the fence being pushed over by punters without tickets.</p><p>10.45</p><p>Back in Rotterdam, we have to ask: is it really a Eurovision if Lordi haven't turned up?</p><p>Which reminds me:</p><p><br /></p> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">I'm fairly sure <a href="https://twitter.com/norock?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@norock</a> meant Lordi but suddenly I really want a Lorde rock album. <a href="https://t.co/wpCIJXYx6B">pic.twitter.com/wpCIJXYx6B</a></p>— James (@jamesv_t) <a href="https://twitter.com/jamesv_t/status/1396199386275790848?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote><p>We're getting the reprise of the last winner. I mean, they say it's the track that won last time round, but frankly it's so flat and it was so long ago now I couldn't honestly say, hand on my heart, if I have heard this before in my life. </p><p>10.51</p><p>It's the countdown to the close of the vote, with a tune that owes a pretty hefty debt to Richard Whiteley's old stomping ground.</p><p>"Europe stop voting now". Yeah, I think we have that feeling quite often.</p><p>Apparently the supervisor of tonight's events has written two successful thrillers. I bet he's going to ponder what to lead with on Linked In in the morning.</p><p>Graham Norton's been a lot less arch tonight, hasn't he?</p><p>10.55</p><p>We're going to get the scores now. Apparently the jury votes were done last night, and we get those first.</p><p>Israel say "we all needed Eurovision". Hmm. Maybe some other things, too? 12 to Switzerland.</p><p>Poland - "dressed as Zebra". Okay, Norton's still got a raised eyebrow. 12 to San Marino.</p><p>It's early, but UK already running a zero score.</p><p>San Marino have written their score down on a piece of paper, in case they'd forget the word France.</p><p>Albania's judge appears to have broken off a date with a divorcee to bring 12 points for Switzerland</p><p>11.00</p><p>Over to Malta, who are showing their skill with languages. 12 to Albania.</p><p>It's a bit of a mixed bag of scores so far, apart from everyone hating us.</p><p>Estonia give 12 to Switzerland.</p><p>North Macedonia - their first scores under this name, but still not significant enough for them to buy a proper shirt. 12 to Serbia, to add to the single tick they'd had so far.</p><p>Azerbaijan have two people doing the scores. And they're singing. And milking their time for all its worth.. 12 to Russia.</p><p>The UK is still on a flat zero.</p><p>Now to Norway, giving a 12 to Malta</p><p>Spain are up next; she's an old hand at this, so does the bluster quickly before getting to 12 to France bit.</p><p>Austria are wearing an EQUALITY shirt. So 12 to everyone? No. Iceland get special treatment making you a HYPOCRITE.</p><p>Switzerland are leading the pack; Malta's contestant looks a bit glum.</p><p>Here's Amanda Holden, fresh from the Singing Show. "I'm Amanda Holden" says Amanda Holden. 12 to France.</p><p>Just UK and Norway yet to score.</p><p>Oh, Italy given 2 to Norway, so... another good year then. Italy's 12 to Lithuania. Well done, little lemon gang.</p><p>Slovenia has a glittery jumpsuit and a massive belt. 12 for Italy.</p><p>Greece are up way after their bedtime - he's ten years old. Knows to give his 12 to Cyprus, though.</p><p>Latvia give 12 to Switzerland from their Goth jumpsuit.</p><p>Ireland give 12 to someone - France? - and Moldova come on and play a saxophone, apparently in a bid to become the Most Hated Country in Europe. 12 to Bulgaria. Bulgaria? Really?</p><p>Off to Serbia, who are dressed as Jessica Rabbit but remember to say good morning to Australia. The 12 for France nips them ahead of Switzerland.</p><p>11.10</p><p>Bulgaria have made an effort. Moldova get 12. Nobody is running away with it tonight.</p><p>Cyprus' budget Greg Proops brings 12 for Greece.</p><p>Belguim have come all in white. They've trotted out 12 for Switzerland.</p><p>The UK sit, forlornly, at the bottom on zilch.</p><p>Some of Europe are now enjoying adverts, and we're not. We're backstage. At least the French singer has been able to get a tracksuit top to give herself a bit of warmth.</p><p>11.15</p><p>Back to the votes.</p><p>Germany appear to be trying out new teeth as they come on screen. 12 for France.</p><p>Australia are up early, or are they late? He sounds like he's had more than one of the massive glasses of champers he's holding. Malta crack a smile at last as they get a 12.</p><p>Finland are wearing a massive spangly jacket, and endosing Switzerland.</p><p>portugal are doing a Lego minfig tribute with 12 to Bulgaria,</p><p>Switzerland are now two points ahead of France.</p><p>Ukraine are dressed like Mother Christmas and there's 12 points for Italy in their sack.</p><p>"We're now joined by Iceland" says the presenter, and she sounds tired.</p><p>Iceland's bit about the movie and Ya Ya Ding Dong is probably funny if you've seen it. Switzerland get 12.</p><p>Romania have sent an Olympic Gymnast - no, really. Malta get the big score this time.</p><p>Croatia have put a proper suit on.. Doesn't fit him, but it's expensive. Italy are their choice.</p><p>The Czech Republic are wonderfully overdressed. Portugal hit the 12.</p><p>The UK are on zero, still. Switzerland opening a lead.</p><p>Georgia are wearing a t-shirt with a map of Georgia on. probably. 12 to Italy.</p><p>Lithuania are the Collector from Guardians Of The Galaxy. Ukraine score 12.</p><p>Denmark couldn't be any more Denmark. Switzerland get 12 again.</p><p>Five more to go. Switzerland 249, France on 218. UK...0.</p><p>11.25</p><p>Russia: two mics and a crucifix. Moldova get a dozen.</p><p>France have a mouth full of teeth, and douse points for Greece</p><p>Sweden are having their raincoat adjusted as we join them. "I know how your contestants feel" she says. Yes, they're feeling like they'd like you to get on with it. Malta, eventually, take 12.</p><p>UK? Still on zero.</p><p>Switzerland are in leopard print - twelve to France, but hardly anyone noticed.</p><p>Finally, the local score from the Netherlands - and it's 12 across the border.</p><p>11.30</p><p>So, that's the juries.</p><p>Now, to the phone votes. Oh, after a break. So time for a quick look at the leaders:</p><p>Switzerland 267, France 238, Malta 208, Italy 206</p><p>NOW for the public votes.</p><p><br /></p> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">The UK going home with the coverted pointless trophy <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/EUROVISION?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#EUROVISION</a> <a href="https://t.co/dNIOEAENbE">pic.twitter.com/dNIOEAENbE</a></p>— ashleigh 🌻 (@ashhleigh16) <a href="https://twitter.com/ashhleigh16/status/1396231698770190339?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote><p><br /></p><p>Remember, too, they're going to dock us 50 for Amanda Holden.</p><p>The UK gets zero from the public.</p><p>Holy shit.</p><p>The crowd in the Plague Pit do give James a lot of love, though. And I think he's had a drink. </p><p>Germany also get a zero. So does Spain.</p><p>Did nobody vote?</p><p>Nothing for The Netherlands.</p><p>More votes coming in, and countries are starting to get a dribble of votes. But it's all very low.</p><p>Lithuania have got 165, the first decent sized score. Go Team Lemon.</p><p>Then back down to earth as Belgium get just three.</p><p>Finland get 218, which pings them from bottom half to - for now - being in the lead.</p><p>11.40</p><p>They're going to overrun, by the way.</p><p>Ukraine scoop up 267 points. That's enough for the producer to play some funky music and sticks them on top of the board with 364.</p><p>Russia's 100 gives them a total of 204, strong middle placing.</p><p>Portugal only get 27 public votes, for a total of 153. Bulgaria only get 30.</p><p>Iceland are gifted 180, and that takes them to the top.</p><p>Italy 318, gives them 524 and pushes them to number one.</p><p>11.45 </p><p>"It's not going to be long now" - tell that to whoever's waiting to do the news, mate.</p><p>Malta only get 47 - she's trying to look like she's okay with it. But she isn't.</p><p>So will it be Switzerland, or will it be France?</p><p>They're trying to drag out the tension.</p><p>France get, from the public, 251 points - which only takes them to second.</p><p>So, which side of the Alps has won - Switzerland or Italy?</p><p>Switzerland need 258...</p><p>Oh, god, we're getting a recap.</p><p>165.</p><p>Italy scoop it up.</p><p>Bloody hell.</p><p>That was actually quite exciting - although not quite as exciting as they were trying to make it.</p><p>At least it's a memorable winner, because I can't remember how the Switzerland one went.</p> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Squeezing into these trousers deserves 1st place tbh <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/r1X04UHwq7">pic.twitter.com/r1X04UHwq7</a></p>— BuzzFeed UK (@BuzzFeedUK) <a href="https://twitter.com/BuzzFeedUK/status/1396236287066218502?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote><p>11.50</p><p>So, what have we learned?</p><p>The Blogger HTML editing interface has become bloody awful over the last couple of years, mainly.</p><p>The UK are never going to win Eurovision again; we couldn't do any worse if we sent Keir Starmer in to do a song and dance routine. </p><p>The European public, left to their own devices, can't be trusted with voting, except when they can.</p><p>And having a year off made Eurovision feel like a lot more fun.</p><p>11.55</p><p>Maneskin are doing the reprise as they roll the credits. It's an okay song. Sort of thing you might hear in the taxi as you head towards Turin airport, and might even Shazam, before promptly forgetting their name before you even get a luggage trolley from the rack.</p><p>Midnight</p><p>Victoria Derbyshire looks knackered and frankly could have done without the extra fifteen minute wait, thank you very much.</p><p>"Good morning" she says, tartly.</p><p>Just time for a quick final look at Twitter:</p><p><br /></p> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="pl">Winner: Placebo Domingo <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a></p>— Phil Norman (@MrPhilNorman) <a href="https://twitter.com/MrPhilNorman/status/1396237127420153856?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Looks like we can’t even take music to Europe any more <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a></p>— Tim Burgess (@Tim_Burgess) <a href="https://twitter.com/Tim_Burgess/status/1396238270279954439?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">It's ok, dude, 3 points you're a no-one, 0 points you're a pub quiz answer. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a></p>— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) <a href="https://twitter.com/SamWhyte/status/1396237775435964422?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p dir="ltr" lang="en">Noticed he was rubbing his nose on the way onto the stage too. <a href="https://t.co/VPeoaHgoMX">https://t.co/VPeoaHgoMX</a></p>— GigerPunk (@GigerPunk) <a href="https://twitter.com/GigerPunk/status/1396237807694356482?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 22, 2021</a></blockquote><p>It's been fun. May very well be back next year, pandemics permitting. </p> <script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
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<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-55524905129721347392021-03-21T09:42:00.001+00:002021-03-21T09:42:35.275+00:00Gennaro Castaldo Watch: He's working from homeLike Nena's war machine, No Rock & Roll Fun is opening up one eager eye as an old friend has emerged to celebrate the crazy upside of a global pandemic. Yes, yes, it's cut a swathe through our friends and family, tanked the economy and destroyed lives and livelihoods. Sure, it might have revealed that a worryingly large portion of the people we share this island with turn into big babies if you ask them to pop on a mask to go into Sainsburys; and an even more worrying number will claim that you will literally die if you do so because wearing a bit of cotton over your mouth is the same as sleeping in a sealed box with a broken gas boiler. Absolutely, coronavirus meant that for some reason the world spent far too long talking about a bunch of arseholes who appear to be famous solely for treating tigers badly.<div><br /></div><div>But did we learn nothing - <i>nothing - </i>from Bing Crosby? You've got to accentuate the positive, right? <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/money/vinyl-record-sales-surge-during-23764818">And here's Gennaro Castaldo, who has found a cash-stuffed upside</a> that doesn't even require him to be mates with Matt Hancock:</div><blockquote><div><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #141414; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 12px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Music lovers have been getting in the groove during the pandemic – and buying record amounts of vinyl.</p><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #141414; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 12px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">While the Covid crisis has been disastrous for live music, it has turned the tables on sales of old-fashioned LPs, which are now at their highest level since the early 1990s.</p></div></blockquote><p>[...]</p><blockquote><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #141414; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 12px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">And the trend looks set to continue. Gennaro Castaldo, of the British Phonographic Industry, said: “The nation’s love affair with vinyl shows no sign of relenting – a passion that, if anything, has become stronger under lockdown.</p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #141414; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">“Vinyl is appealing to fans of all ages and backgrounds because it feels like the ultimate expression of the artist’s craft.”</span></p></blockquote><p>Gennaro has clearly spent much of his time in lockdown trying to find something new to say about vinyl beyond "it sounds much more authentic" or "it's so much warmer" and, fair play, "it feels like the ultimate expression of the artist's craft" is fresh. </p><p>Although craft and art are two different things.</p><p>And the delivery method of the music isn't really the ultimate expression of how good a musician is, is it? That's clearly idiotic. If you'd only heard, say, B B King playing live, you wouldn't have come out of the gig muttering "yeah, that seems okay, but I'm going to withhold judgement until I've had a chance to hear his work coming out of a tinny speaker on a jukebox because you can't judge a musician until they've had their work mediated by a producer, a shitload of recording equipment, some tape, the mastering process, the vagaries of a pressing plant, and a whole load of decisions made at the other end about styli, turntables and speakers. You don't really get to understand what sort of a craftsperson the artist is until all those mechanical process and other people's decisions have been slathered over the top."</p><p>Still, let's channel out inner Bing Crosby. The Mirror points out that this is a good news music story in a bad year:</p><blockquote><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #141414; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 12px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">While the Covid crisis has been disastrous for live music, it has turned the tables on sales of old-fashioned LPs, which are now at their highest level since the early 1990s.</p><div class="gpt in-article gpt-no-ad-label fixed-slots" data-config="{"componentType":"gpt","targeting":{"index":4,"hivis":"n","hbPlacements":"d-vip"},"injectionConditions":[{"condition":"stopONAffiliateContent"}],"referenceNode":".article-body > p:nth-of-type(2)","sizes":[[8,8]],"hideOnSensitiveArticle":true,"relativePos":"after","additionalClass":"in-article","name":"div-gpt-ad-vip-slot","type":"VIP","bidders":{"ozone":"1420432300"}}" data-gpt-placeholder="" data-requested="3307.0450000086566" data-response-start="3202.1050000039395" data-type="gpt" id="div-gpt-ad-vip-slot" style="align-items: center; background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; clear: both; color: #141414; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; height: 8px; justify-content: center; margin: 0px; max-height: 8px; outline: 0px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; z-index: 1;"></div><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #141414; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 12px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Industry experts say lockdown means fans can’t go to gigs – so they have more cash to spend.</p></blockquote><p>The paper doesn't actually mention how many vinyl albums have been sold, and unfortunately, because they've labelled the news of album sales an "exclusive", I don't suppose we've got any way of finding out.</p><p>Hang on, though, it's a UK tabloid exclusive, isn't it? So that means it's probably a story that has been circulating for ages.</p><p>And, indeed, <a href="https://faroutmagazine.co.uk/uk-vinyl-sales-30-year-high/">Farout reported the exact same thing two months ago</a>:</p><blockquote><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">The new figures show that almost one in five (18%) of all albums bought in 2020 were vinyl, with a staggering 4.8 million vinyl LPs purchased. </span></p></blockquote><p>Nearly five million. That is a lot. At about 20 quid a pop, that would work out at a business worth roughly a hundred million pounds. Not, of course, to be sniffed at. But that's only one-eleventh the size of the live music industry.</p><p>And, given that only ten per cent of this is the extra sales uplift being attributed to lockdown, that means one percent of the money that would have been generated in 2020 on going out to hear live music has trickled into vinyl.</p><p>Oh, and that would have to be offset against the drop in sales of CDs, which had their worst year since 1987.</p><p>So the idea that the shuttering of venues has been mitigated by physical sales is a bit of a pipe dream. It's like Michael Gove losing his political incomes but thinking the residuals from A Stab In The Dark will let him coast to retirement.</p><p>In fairness, Gennaro is representing the <i>Phonographic</i> Industry and for him, it's the platters that matter in a very real sense. And if your focus is on shifting units, it's quite a good news story.</p><p>Up to a point.</p><p>The Mirror concedes that the trend is being driven by "older, nostalgic" music fans - people like us who will be dead or struggling on the state pension soon and don't really represent much of a long-term future market for the UK music industry. But, wait, the kids are getting involved, too:</p><blockquote><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #141414; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 12px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">But new LPs, including Harry Styles’ Fine Line and Kylie Minogue’s Disco, were also high in the vinyl charts, as younger fans discovered the discs.</p><div class="placeholder" data-config="{"name":"perform-placeholder","componentType":"placeholder","referenceNode":".article-body > p:nth-of-type(6)","type":"performPlaceholder","relativePos":"after"}" data-placeholder-placeholder="" data-response-start="3202.805000008084" data-type="placeholder" id="perform-placeholder" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #141414; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"></div><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #141414; font-family: "Open Sans", sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 12px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">This year releases by Foo Fighters, Celeste, Maximo Park and Kings of Leon have helped to drive the surge in sales, which are already up 10% compared to the same period in 2020.</p></blockquote><p>Oh, young people! Except if you were <b>born</b> in the year Kylie signed her first record deal, you'd be 34 now. Shit, if you were born in the year she had her last UK number one, you'd be able to legally drink in a pub, if pubs were a still a thing that were open for drinking in. Celeste apart, all the artists cited have been plugging away at it for ages. </p><p>By the time The Beatles had been going as long as Maximo Park have, Wings were already on their first Greatest Hits album.</p><p>People buying recorded music in 2021 is obviously a good thing, and in a lean year when there's no cake around, finding a couple of custard creams at the back of a cupboard is a bit of light in the dark. But we can't kid ourselves that the rickety rack of Screamadelicas and Velvets with Nico shoved in the no-mans-land between the Sainsbury's deli counter and the tiny Argos is the solution to the structural problems in the music industry.</p><p>Still, it's good to see Gennaro is still doing his thing. Positive-sounding puffery in a tabloid? Isn't that really the ultimate expression of the artist's craft?</p><blockquote><p> </p></blockquote><div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-88243103094710194692019-05-18T17:12:00.000+00:002019-05-18T23:10:31.018+00:00Liveblog: Eurovision 20196.12pm<br />
Bollocks. I was rather hoping I'd have forgotten how to use Blogger as an excuse to swerve this year's Eurovision Song Contest. As, perhaps, we all should be doing, what with it being held in Israel and, thus, helping the Israeli government in their campaign to appear like any other country.<br />
<br />
There have been numerous calls for the competition to be removed from Israel, or for a boycott of the event - although, in fairness, if your objection is to Israel hosting the contest, you're effectively saying you don't mind them taking part in Eurovision, so long as they don't win it.<br />
<br />
The management of Eurovision are, of course, adept at making the case that you shouldn't spend too long thinking about how the government making everyone so welcome to sing a few songs doesn't really have so great a human rights record. After all, they got a chance to trot the arguments out a few years back in Russia.<br />
<br />
Netta - whose inability to lose despite offering up a dreadful, twee performance last year got us into this mess - popped up on the BBC yesterday stressing how Eurovision is a chance for everyone of all races, sexualities and genders to come together in peace. It's a line the Eurovision producers are hoping will be amplified across the course of the show, although I've checked the running order a couple of times and am struggling to see whereabouts the Palestinian entry is coming on.<br />
<br />
The approved Eurovision, um, vision of everyone coming together can't be seen as a political message, though. Because the producers are very clear that no politics will be tolerated in the arena tonight - one senior man, whose name I didn't catch, told BBC News last night that anyone trying to make a political statement will be "stopped and punished".<br />
<br />
Stopped is disappointing. Punished is really concerning. What sort of punishment will the Eurovision organisers have at their disposal? Engelbert Humperdinck can attest that simply setting foot on a Eurovision stage has the power to make you disappear completely from public view so god knows what they could do if they were pissed off with you.<br />
<br />
The point at which the contest is most likely to lurch into an unplanned commercial break (while UK viewers are treated to the hosts awkwardly bantering over the sound of human howling) is during <a href="https://www.thelineofbestfit.com/news/latest-news/icelands-hatari-anti-capitalist-pro-palestine-and-making-eurovision-nervous">Hatari</a>'s performance. Back in February, the band challenged Netanyahu to a wrestling match and have given off signals that, if we must go to this place and do this thing, we're not going to do it quietly.<br />
<br />
Back when it was Russia, the it was comfortingly easy to get outraged.. Because it's Russia, and Putin. With Israel, though, the politics are a lot more complicated - it's almost impossible to type the words "Tel Aviv" without wading into a confused chamber of rows stinking of racism, antisemitism, and bad-faith extrapolations in all directions. It's almost as if the politics of the Middle East is an easy thing to get drawn into, but becomes something of a quagmire should you look to leave.<br />
<br />
If you'd like a calm, clear explanation of why holding Eurovision in Israel is fucked up, you could do a lot worse than read <a href="https://www.hrw.org/news/2019/05/16/israels-eurovision-dare-dream-unless-youre-caged-gaza">Abier Almasri's piece for Human Rights Watch</a>. And if we are going to not pretend that we can't see where Eurovision is this year, maybe the best we can hope for is that as many voices like Abier's are amplified and help drown out the messages the Israeli government want to send.<br />
<br />
If you're not looking for a calm, clear explanation of the politics of Eurovision 2019, though, you should send for Bobby Gillespie. <br />
<br />
Bobby's already had something a red letter month. Denise Johnson tweeted this a few days back:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">What a set of wank stains...<br />
<br />
This artwork was going on a website where ALL proceeds were going to charity.<br />
Some grass has alerted Primal Scream so now the record company's complained that it infringes copyright. <br />
How can you fucking copyright colours?<br />
<br />
And err.. Funkadelic? <a href="https://t.co/iiSQgp1I2i">pic.twitter.com/iiSQgp1I2i</a></p>— Denise Johnson (@TheDJohnsonR3AL) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDJohnsonR3AL/status/1128281838043238400?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 14, 2019</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
And a couple of weeks earlier Gillespie did a fashion spread. Now, doing a fashion spread is one thing. But when you appear wearing a <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/esmagazine/bobby-gillespie-primal-scream-interview-a4131261.html">three thousand quid coat in a newspaper edited by George Fucking Osborne</a>, you might have lost the moral high ground a bit.<br />
<br />
So, things weren't looking good when he went onto Newsnight and was asked about Eurovision.<br />
<br />
He served up a take so bad it's possible Ben Gurion and Yasser Arafat, watching it from their not-really-that-different-heavens, might be able to make common cause on yelling "shut up".<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">“Madonna would do anything for money"<br />
<br />
- Primal Scream's Bobby Gillespie on Madonna performing in Tel Aviv at Eurovision.<br />
<br />
Madonna has said she will “never stop playing music to suit someone’s political agenda" <a href="https://t.co/dIXMXIzVwU">https://t.co/dIXMXIzVwU</a><br />
<br />
MORE TONIGHT 22:30<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/newsnight?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#newsnight</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/iRnpJk2TFE">pic.twitter.com/iRnpJk2TFE</a></p>— BBC Newsnight (@BBCNewsnight) <a href="https://twitter.com/BBCNewsnight/status/1129455332110086144?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 17, 2019</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
"All of my heroes are Jewish" is both a refreshing reworking of "some of my friends are black", but also an amazing revelation about the Paint It Black era Rolling Stones.<br />
<br />
But even before being awful about Israeli politics, Bobby has already been awful about Madonna.<br />
<br />
To say "she's a prostitute" as a criticism, and then to rush out "not that there's anything wrong with being a prostitute" is perhaps the most radical attempt at a remix since Weatherall somehow shook Loaded out of I'm Losing More Than I'll Ever Have. You might think that Gillespie is a misogynistic arsehole - not, of course, that there's anything wrong with misogynistic arseholes. "She's a whore" was one of the most commonplace attacks Madonna had to weather during her early years, and as an insult says nothing about either Madonna or sexworkers, but a whole lot about the person hurling it.<br />
<br />
It's less controversial to say that Madonna will do anything for money, but it's also not exactly revealing a hidden truth when one of the songs she's going to do tonight is The One From The Big Pepsi Commercial. It's also a bit much to take from someone who's just reissued Velocity Girl with a shiny new video, and promoted it in an article which contains the words "Givenchy jacket, £1,810; shirt, £476; trousers, £684 (givenchy.com). Gucci boots, £875 (gucci.com) (Drew Jarrett)" as the image caption.<br />
<br />
So here we are, then: The attempts to protest Eurovision haven't brought down the Israeli regime, or even stopped the contest. But they have managed to destroy Primal Scream for us.<br />
<br />
Which is something of a long way round saying: welcome to the No Rock & Roll Fun 2019 Eurovision Song Contest Liveblog.<br />
<br />
We'll be back just before 8.00pm...<br />
<br />
7.15pm<br />
Have just realised the football starting at 5pm has robbed us of the chance for a Eurovision Pointless. <br />
<br />
7.58<br />
Here we go, then. The gap between the TV and the streaming version of BBC One is now so huge you could edit out a swear-filled rant from Shaun Ryder between one and the other.<br />
<br />
8.00<br />
Oh god. There's some business with a pretend plane kicking us off, apparently piloted by last year's winner.<br />
<br />
Oh, and waving scouts. <br />
<br />
8.04<br />
I'd forgotten they'd introduced the 'having all the contestants walk on at the start' thing; to give you a chance to have completely forgotten what they look like by the time they actually come to the stage.<br />
<br />
8.06<br />
Dana International is looking fabulous, but it's not clear why she's got El Al cabin crew stood behind her.<br />
<br />
The sound mix is terrible on this. Hopefully they;ll sort it out before the event proper gets under way.<br />
<br />
It's time to meet the presenters . Four of them this year. Probably one is there solely to wrangle Madonna.<br />
<br />
8.12<br />
"This is our third date" says the bearded host to the host in a corset, "and you know what happens on a third date".<br />
<br />
Well, that's awkward.<br />
<br />
This bit of cut-up old presenters talking about how you vote is quite a nice touch.<br />
<br />
8.14<br />
They've added a new touch, we're warned. The intro videos are going to feature the contestants dancing.<br />
<br />
"How about we open tonight's Grand Final?" Yes, you've been going for quarter of an hour already, please do get a crack on.<br />
<br />
8.15<br />
Malta: Michela – Chameleon<br />
<br />
Michaela is wearing a cheap rain mac of the sort you buy at Alton Towers when you forget your anorak; with a denim top over it.<br />
<br />
There's some very Primary School Teacher doing the lights for a play effects going on here. Sadly, thats the most interesting thing about the performance. The song is like a watered down version of Baltimora's Tarzan Boy.<br />
<br />
At least it can only get better from here.<br />
<br />
I say that, there's plenty of time for it to get worse.<br />
<br />
"She'll be thrilled with that" observes Graham Norton. That makes one of her.<br />
<br />
8.18<br />
Albania: Jonida Maliqi – Ktheju tokës<br />
<br />
Jonida is dancing in a pond.<br />
<br />
She's performing from inside a crown of thorns, which is a provocative choice from Israeli State TV all things considered.<br />
<br />
This sounds like it could be authentically Albanian, although I have no idea if that is the case.<br />
<br />
Hang on, now it sounds like she's singing about Oreos.<br />
<br />
8.20<br />
They've added some fire to the stage set. Didn't improve Uncle Roy's barbecue party; didn't help this.<br />
<br />
Czech Republic: Lake Malawi – Friend of a Friend<br />
<br />
They could have made Lake Malawi stand in a pond for their dancing video, because that would have made more sense. Or at least a weak sight gag. Instead they appear to be dicking about on a wall.<br />
<br />
Oh god, that drummer is clearly not playing that drum.<br />
<br />
"He was my neighbour when we were 13" sings the grinning Pellow-like lead singer. I think we see where this is going.<br />
<br />
I might be being unfair to the drummer; it could just be that he's six feet tall and using a kid's drum set. Perhaps he forgot his own drums, and that was all you can get in Tel Aviv on a Saturday? Is there a drumming animatronic bear at a kid's restaurant missing his kit?<br />
<br />
8.27<br />
Germany: S!sters – Sister<br />
<br />
Oh, this isn't sisters like Buffy and Dawn. This is sisters like Shula and Elizabeth. The sort of sisters whose drama you wouldn't tune into if you were sat behind them on a long train journey. They're teating us to the sort of the thing that Elaine Paige and Barbara Dixon would have thrown out to test the mic levels.<br />
<br />
The blonde one is wearing the 'sexy outfit', which looks like she's gone to a fancy dress shop and bought a 'sexy sexy outfit outfit'<br />
<br />
8.30<br />
Russia: Sergey Lazarev – Scream<br />
Apparently did well in the public vote last time he appeared at Eurovision, says Graham.<br />
<br />
Imagine that. Russia doing well in a public vote.<br />
<br />
Sergey is dressed entirely in white, and singing in front of a BBC Micro rendering of a leap into Hyperspace.<br />
<br />
Hold on, he's now standing in a shower.<br />
<br />
This song is so slow, you'd be able to lead a funeral procession with it.<br />
<br />
8.34<br />
How can it only be 8.34? He's been singing this for an hour and a half.<br />
<br />
Oh, we're up to a break already. A chance to talk to Jean Paul Gaultier for no apparent reason other than maybe Madonna?<br />
<br />
Denmark: Leonora – Love Is Forever<br />
<br />
This starts like it's going to be Orinoco Flow and then quickly morphs into the sort of plinky-plonky song that they might use in a Nationwide commercial.<br />
<br />
"Don't get too political" she sings, confusing the instructions taped to the side of the stage with her autocue.<br />
<br />
It's a testament to how poor this evening has been that this is the best thing we've had so far.<br />
<br />
Leonora is climbing up a ladder from which a young version of Albert Steptoe is hanging off.<br />
<br />
8.40<br />
San Marino: Serhat – Say Na Na Na<br />
<br />
"This song took five minutes to write" reveals Graham. Very little of that spent on coming up with a title.<br />
<br />
Another all-white outfit.<br />
<br />
"Be strong - look at me" says the background. I mean, you're no oil painting Serhat, but I don't think it's fair to say you'd need superpowers to gaze at you.<br />
<br />
The backing dancer blokes have forgotten to put their strides on.<br />
<br />
8.44<br />
North Macedonia: Tamara Todevska – Proud<br />
<br />
Tamara presents a challenge. Is she meant to have an asymmetric bob, or does she just have a bad hairdresser?<br />
<br />
The lyric so far is generic "say it proud and loud" stuff, which was pretty much the message of the last one. Given we're in a Contest where participants have been told to ensure they shut the fuck up, that's a little ironic.<br />
<br />
I keep expecting this song to kick up a gear. It is running out of time to find that gear.<br />
<br />
Nope. No new gear. She just shouts a bit.<br />
<br />
8.48<br />
Another break. Pencilled on beard man is throwing to commercials. Corset woman is sitting with the Maltese singer, who is being more animated than she was during her performance.<br />
<br />
Pencil beard is with the German sisters. They don't entertain him with their claim they see each other as queens, so he heads off to someone else.<br />
<br />
8.50<br />
Graham's done the toast to the ghost of Terry Wogan.<br />
<br />
Sweden: John Lundvik – Too Late for Love<br />
<br />
Starts off dangerously close to Curiosity Killed The Cat's Name and Number, but then shifts into standard Eurovisionballadry. Oh, and then shifts again into a standard Euro pumper..<br />
<br />
"Everything reminds me of your face" says John. What, everything? Doing the bins? Nigel Farage on the telly? A dead badger mouldering slightly in the drizzle on the side of the A37? Really, John?<br />
<br />
Backing singers channeling off-Broadway performance of Sister Act energy.<br />
<br />
8.55<br />
Slovenia: Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl – Sebi<br />
<br />
They met on Instagram, warns Graham. Okay, Slovenia: double influencer power is go.<br />
<br />
They're wearing all white, of course. Is tonight sponsored by Persil?<br />
<br />
She's looking at him as she sings with the eyes of someone who had been promised everything would be alright and doesn't believe that any more.<br />
<br />
Yeah, they're going to do this whole song staring at each other. This feels awkward.<br />
<br />
She's pawing him now. This is just the ten minute freeview, isn't it?<br />
<br />
8.59<br />
Cyprus: Tamta – Replay<br />
<br />
When Tumblr axed all the adult content on their platform, the deleted posts came to life. And they came to life as Tamta, with her 'rustle up your own PVC costume' approach.<br />
<br />
The song are two verses of nothingness held together by a chorus of a robot marching downstairs.<br />
<br />
"You're stuck on me, darling". Yeah, you'll get that if you don't use enough talc with your PVC.<br />
<br />
9.03<br />
The Netherlands: Duncan Laurence – Arcade<br />
<br />
The favourite to win tonight.<br />
<br />
But first, a quick look back at Slovenia as seen on Twitter:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">[turns on subtitles]<br />
[turns off subtitles]<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/ihu0Ti8UGD">pic.twitter.com/ihu0Ti8UGD</a></p>— James Felton (@JimMFelton) <a href="https://twitter.com/JimMFelton/status/1129839479508918273?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2019</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
Back to the Dutch. Well, at least Duncan isn't wearing white, but he has bought a keyboard which is both too large and too small at the same time.<br />
<br />
"My mind feels like a foreign land, silence ringing in my head" sings Duncan, and boy, does a foriegn country where it's quiet sound like a real treat compared with this year's song.<br />
<br />
9.07<br />
Greece: Katerine Duska – Better Love<br />
<br />
Kat is doing some stuff in a library for her dance video, which must be annoying for people trying to use the library. I know libraries aren't all "shush" and "no noise" any more but you've got to draw a line somewhere, surely?<br />
<br />
Florence And The Machine That Needs New Batteries, isn't it?<br />
<br />
Oh, there are people fencing on stage. I hope they're really good at fencing. (Secretly thinking: it'd be amusing if they're not really good at fencing).<br />
<br />
Kat reaches for a high note with confidence. Misplaced confidence.<br />
<br />
"Burning feeling inside" she trills. Mmm. Try yoghurt for that.<br />
<br />
9.11<br />
Halfway point. Of the songs. Just of the songs.<br />
<br />
Time for the home team.<br />
<br />
Israel: Kobi Marimi – Home<br />
<br />
Jesus Christ alive, that bust of Lionel Richie from the Hello video has been animated and thrown on the stage.<br />
<br />
Is that a metal bow tie he's wearing?<br />
<br />
Well, I think we can rest assured that a year hence Newsnight isn't going to be asking the lead singer of The Bluetones what they think about the occupation of the Palestinian territories. <br />
<br />
Oh, he's crying. <br />
<br />
9.16<br />
Norway: KEiiNO – Spirit in the Sky<br />
<br />
Presumably this isn't going to be the Norman Greenbaum one.<br />
<br />
Why is Nick Tilsley off Corrie pretending to be Norwegian here?<br />
<br />
He's just been joined by cabaret-tribute-to-mid-period-Madonna.<br />
<br />
Oh, and a third voice provided by Varys, who has time on his hands now he's been burned off Game Of Thrones.<br />
<br />
Ooooh I love love love their giant stag. The giant stag is the best thing so far.<br />
<br />
9.20<br />
United Kingdom: Michael Rice – Bigger than Us<br />
Michael's used to the big occasions, having won that awful singing thing with Geri Halliwell and Rob Beckett in front of an audience of at least two dozen.<br />
<br />
"It's bigger than us. It's bigger than You And Me." Yeah, but we'd rather be watching Crow and Alice.<br />
<br />
This isn't a terrible song, and on the evidence so far, it's a lot less terrible than many of the other terrible songs we've heard. It doesn't deserve to win, but it deserves to do a lot better than it actually will wind up doing.<br />
<br />
9.24<br />
Another break. This time they've made the contestants come to the hosts. This is what they call a format tweak.<br />
<br />
They're asking the guy from San Marino what he'll do if he wins, which is that level of cruelty you get when they ask people on Pointless who have offered no credible answers how they'll spend the jackpot "if by chance" they find a Pointless answer.<br />
<br />
9.27<br />
This is what we've waited for.<br />
Iceland: Hatari – Hatrið mun sigra<br />
<br />
Now, THIS is how you do a BDSM performance. It's like mid 80s Martin Gore has been brought on to do the visuals, while Skinny Puppy have chucked in the tune. VOTE FOR THIS WITH ALL YOUR LIFE.<br />
<br />
Extra points for the prancing gimp.<br />
<br />
"Verfur lyga" they snarl, and I don't think that's their safeword.<br />
<br />
9.31<br />
Estonia: Victor Crone – Storm<br />
<br />
Poor Victor Crone, having to follow that. I'm not sure they'll even have had time to mop the lube up yet.<br />
<br />
Victor has come on after the sex people with the air of Ralph McTell the week Alphabet Zoo reached the letter Q and the format's weakness has just revealed itself to him.<br />
<br />
"When it all calms down, we'll be safe and sound" sings Victor, making a love song sound like a Protect And Survive leaflet.<br />
<br />
9.35<br />
Belarus: ZENA – Like It<br />
<br />
This year's favourite for the 'send the show to somewhere problematic' option.<br />
<br />
"Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Paris Hilton. And Paris Hilton will be being Gwen Steffani."<br />
<br />
To be fair to Zena, this is the first song tonight that sounds like it would fit in the current Top 40. I mean, not the Top 10 or the 20, but it could certainly hold its head up down in the lower 30s.<br />
<br />
9.38<br />
Azerbaijan: Chingiz – Truth<br />
<br />
Takes some balls for someone who has a Jimmy Hill style protrusion to go on stage with a name that starts with Chin.<br />
<br />
He's being operated on by one of the robots that used to build Fiat cars back in the 1980s for some reason that isn't entirely clear.<br />
<br />
Hats off for making "shut up about it" a hook, though. And "I'm in the mirror/so fucking bitter" is a great line. This isn't offensive.<br />
<br />
Oh, and the massive head from the Space Sentinels has popped up to do backing vocals.<br />
<br />
"She is a killer with that freaking perfume." Yeah, we've all been sat behind someone like that on a plane.<br />
<br />
9.43<br />
France: Bilal Hassani – Roi<br />
<br />
Imagine if a PSE lesson was made flesh. Yeah. Like that.<br />
<br />
"Only you can choose who you want to be" says the backdrop. John Whiterow'll have something to say about that in the morning.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Anyone else get the feeling that France felt the message of their song got lost last year and this time they're not taking any chances? <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#eurovision</a></p>— Steven Perkins (@stevenperkins) <a href="https://twitter.com/stevenperkins/status/1129850675934969856?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2019</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
Graham Norton: "this show gives exposure to people who wouldn't normally get this sort of exposure". Mmm, this is true. Oh, if only you were in a position to allow people like that on the TV more often, Graham . eh?<br />
<br />
9.48<br />
Italy: Mahmood – Soldi<br />
<br />
Mahmood's shirt is made from wallpaper found in an Indian restaurant which closed in 1984. He's also still got his housekeys on a long chain dangling from his waist.<br />
<br />
He looks really, really angry. Oh my god, and they've just flashed "it hurts to be alive" on the wall. This is all really uplifting, then.<br />
<br />
9.51<br />
Serbia: Nevena Božović – Kruna<br />
<br />
Nevena is the only person who's bothered to hire an evening dress for the show. She's singing a song which sounds like it could be about her recent divorce.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Twitter is still talking about Italy:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">"Those are the ugliest shoes I've ever seen. Anyway, wanna have sex?"<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ita?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#ita</a> <a href="https://t.co/cM8EoOulTc">pic.twitter.com/cM8EoOulTc</a></p>— Holly Brockwell (@holly) <a href="https://twitter.com/holly/status/1129851887606521857?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2019</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
9.55<br />
Switzerland: Luca Hänni – She Got Me<br />
<br />
Luca is sexy, in a 'I haven't had it for a while and you clearly know your way round a zipper' sort of way. The sort of sexy that does quite well as the clock edges towards closing time.<br />
<br />
He's singing a song about "the kind of woman that mama likes", and so it's possible he's just helping his mum get back on the dating scene. <br />
<br />
The chorus is just repeating Dirty Dancin', which is just lazy. I bet there was a draft where he was going to be shouting out "Top Gun".<br />
<br />
9.59<br />
Australia: Kate Miller-Heidke – Zero Gravity<br />
<br />
At last, I suppose, we've come to terms with Australia being in Eurovision. So let's not pretend we never learn anything year on year.<br />
<br />
Proving their commitment to Eurovision, Kate is wearing a headpiece based on the 1970s Eurovision logo. She's singing on the top of the globe. Maybe thats a nod to the 1970s BBC One ident? Are we going to see her spinning off on a flying Y, like Dusty Bin at the start of 3-2-1?<br />
<br />
When you're thinking about Ted Rogers, it's a sign that the song isn't very catchy, for all the cheap operatic trilling thrown at it.<br />
<br />
Now on a massive pole, like Simon Stylites.<br />
<br />
10.03<br />
Spain: Miki – La Venda<br />
<br />
We're nearly there. One last push. Oh, Miki, will you be so fine, so fine you'll blow our minds?<br />
<br />
Good use of the old Celebrity Squares set here, Miki.<br />
<br />
This is impressive. Lots of colours. Lots of energy. Lots of bounce. And a body popping whicker man. It's the polar opposite of Iceland. It's the sound of optimism. It's not bad.<br />
<br />
10.07<br />
Pencil beard is calling for a toast - "I don't drink, sorry" he says, as if it's impossible to toast with anything other than alcohol. Unless he doesn't drink any liquids at all. Maybe he's on a drip.<br />
<br />
Goggles, foil dress and corset have just opened the voting. So time for the last couple of hours of our lives to flash before our eyes again.<br />
<br />
10.16<br />
"It's a scientific fact" says tinfoil dress "that we're more alike than we are different".<br />
<br />
Is it, though?<br />
<br />
Conchita Wurst has been dragged out on stage again, dressed a little bit Frankie Goes To Accessorise.<br />
<br />
10.21<br />
We're now balls deep in singers you've forgotten winning doing songs you'd forgotten won.<br />
<br />
Oh hang out - this one didn't even win. It's last year's forgettable second place song.<br />
<br />
10.24<br />
And, yes, I'm afraid I haven't forgotten the Christopher Biggins Cybermen, who are back too.<br />
<br />
Pencil beard is bringing Gali Atari on stage now. You remember. From 1979.<br />
<br />
10.27<br />
In the BBC Newsroom, Clive Myrie glances at the screen, sighs, and puts on an eye mask. It's going to be a while until he's going to be needed.<br />
<br />
Graham Norton is reading out a really long list of names of people who are having parties. It's like listening to Junior Choice.<br />
<br />
10.34<br />
Oh god Madonna's wearing the eyepatch.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBOw7kCNnk_U2300sTbKv747DEcrfrnscDJIWoL5C3Si5jzs96o2Ch2UD3IE2DgaUkml5YDpOkeITL6Exxz5Mlvz3LwlXqVazMMVMC-cL0dQ9K5ob9lZWRezwvCvUljzn8Hncr/s1600/histor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBOw7kCNnk_U2300sTbKv747DEcrfrnscDJIWoL5C3Si5jzs96o2Ch2UD3IE2DgaUkml5YDpOkeITL6Exxz5Mlvz3LwlXqVazMMVMC-cL0dQ9K5ob9lZWRezwvCvUljzn8Hncr/s320/histor.jpg" width="320" height="233" data-original-width="478" data-original-height="348" /></a></div><br />
She's just said "everyone here is from all over the world".<br />
<br />
Oh, Jesus, she's making the crowd chant "music makes the people come together". You know, from the one that had Ali G in the video.<br />
<br />
10.37<br />
Sweet hell, she's not even the next act. They've brought on one of Israel's most celebrated musical performers. The Idan Raichael Project, apparently. He's shouting out "make some noise", and - to be fair - getting more response than Madge did.<br />
<br />
10.41<br />
"Do you know what Eurovision is?" Goggles man asks Quaver. His eyes scream back "if I knew, do you think I'd have come?"<br />
<br />
Over in the green room, meanwhile, a mindreader has turned up. It's like a shit bit from a Paul Daniels.<br />
<br />
10.44<br />
This is not a trick; if you ask anyone to name a Eurovision winner they will always choose Waterloo by Abba.<br />
<br />
"Don't let all the fun distract you" says Pencil Beard.<br />
<br />
To help with the fun not distracting you, they've dragged last year's winner back to do her new song. It's like a cold cut found outside a Palomar Faith recording session.<br />
<br />
10.49<br />
Foil dress, who is no longer in a foil dress, appears to hit on Netta. She is rebuffed. "I'll do my walk of shame then" says foil dress. But... you'd only do a walk of shame if you'd not been rebuffed.<br />
<br />
This hasn't been though through.<br />
<br />
We still have two songs from Madonna before we even get to the voting bit. Somehow I don't think we're going to be done by 11pm tonight.<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Good to see he’s over the Watford result. <a href="https://t.co/QYbBRZgrpP">pic.twitter.com/QYbBRZgrpP</a></p>— Adam Devlin (@ad_I_am) <a href="https://twitter.com/ad_I_am/status/1129861496106868738?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2019</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Good to see he’s over the Watford result. <a href="https://t.co/QYbBRZgrpP">pic.twitter.com/QYbBRZgrpP</a></p>— Adam Devlin (@ad_I_am) <a href="https://twitter.com/ad_I_am/status/1129861496106868738?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2019</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
10.55<br />
Finally, we're getting the chance to see Madonna. This is so late, the pub Bobby Gillespie was planning to storm out of has already called last orders.<br />
<br />
10.56<br />
Oh, look, it's the Total Eclipse Of The Heart video.<br />
<br />
Jesus, Madonna missing notes. This is quite bad.<br />
<br />
Why is she doing this silly accent?<br />
<br />
Gingerly picking her way down the stairs.<br />
<br />
I suppose at least nobody knows or cares what the new one is meant to sound like, so it won't be as disappointing.<br />
<br />
10.59<br />
This is so bad. "Your voice can take me there", perhaps, but unfortunately Madonna's voice can't get you there.<br />
<br />
Now about to do a cover of Frank Muir's Fruit and Nut adverts.<br />
<br />
Erm, people with gas masks dying on stage perhaps a bit ill-considered given the circumstances of this contest.<br />
<br />
Quaver's on stage, doing quite a bit of the heavy lifting.<br />
<br />
11.03<br />
This is what she chose to do from the new album. You wonder what the rest of it is like. But not so much that you'd fire up Spotify.<br />
<br />
Oh, a tiny Palestinian flag on the back of one of the dancers. Well, Madonna, that's certainly answered the critics there.<br />
<br />
11.06<br />
At last, the voting is over.<br />
<br />
Clive Myrie is heading out to get a burger.<br />
<br />
We now seem to be getting a message from the Tel Aviv tourist board delivered by Gal Gadot. What can YOU do with three minutes in Tel Aviv?<br />
<br />
11.09<br />
Goggles and Pencil Beard are behind a table ready for the scores to come in.<br />
<br />
We all want the scores.<br />
<br />
Portugal are up first, doing the 'who has two thumbs' stance - 12 to Netherlands<br />
<br />
Azerbaijan have the narrowest tie in the world. 12 to Russia.<br />
<br />
Malta's Ben is someone waiting for a Grindr hook-up: 12 to Italy<br />
<br />
North Macedonia stares nervously into space. 12 to Italy.<br />
<br />
11.14<br />
San Marino have spent their entire 2018 GDP on that necklace. 12 again to Italy.<br />
<br />
Italy heading out into the lead. UK still on a solid zero.<br />
<br />
Netherlands have thrown a boa on to stop the cold biting. Sweden get their 12.<br />
<br />
Montenegro's off-the-shoulder dress looks more like they couldn't afford the whole thing. 12 to Serbia.<br />
<br />
Estonia appear to be doing their bit via Skype. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Poland's turn next. He's posing for a 1980s dating video. 12 to Australia. This is quite jerky voting.<br />
<br />
11.18<br />
Alex James left in the washing machine turns up to do Norway. 12 go to Czech Republic. The UK have got our fist point<br />
<br />
Spain have got a beautiful dress on; 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Austria's perky bloke has an equality t-shirt. 12 to North Macedonia.<br />
<br />
Italy are in the lead.<br />
<br />
Rylan! Rylan! Hey - how are you in London when you were in Tel Aviv yesterday? Did you really fly home to do this bit? UK's 12 to Macedonia.<br />
<br />
11.21<br />
Confusingly, Italy have got the Eiffel Tower tattooed on their arm. Denmark get their 12.<br />
<br />
Albania have rolled their sleeves up for this one. They give 12 to North Macedonia again. They're starting to firm up a lead.<br />
<br />
Hungary have shown up in an old thornproof. 12 to the Czech Republic.<br />
<br />
Moldova give 12 to Macedonia.<br />
<br />
Ireland are glittery; 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Belarus are being attacked by crows. They've given 12 to Israel which has lifted the hosts from being a solid zero.<br />
<br />
God alone knows where Armenia got that outfit. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
UK on 11 now, which is probably few than we deserve, but more than we'd expect.<br />
<br />
Romania got dressed in the dark, and is yodelling. 12 to Asutralia.<br />
<br />
11.28<br />
Cyprus is as you'd expect. 12 to Greece. Who would have guessed, eh?<br />
<br />
We're about halfway through. So they've gone to commercials.<br />
<br />
11.31<br />
Australia kick off the second half. They've got two people to deliver the scores, but one does have sticks in their head. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Russia (I wish the hosts didn't always sound slightly uncertain when they say who's coming next). Oh, he's playing the fucking piano. Clive Myrie is sobbing into his pillow. 12 to Azerbaijan.<br />
<br />
Germany's Barbara looks like the woman on the front of all German magazines. She's pretending to be Australian. 12 to Italy.<br />
<br />
Belgium is the ghost of George Michael and loves Madonna. So that's one person, then. 12 to Italy.<br />
<br />
North Macedonia are heading out into a commanding lead.<br />
<br />
Sweden is wearing pyjamas. 12 to the Netherlands.<br />
<br />
Croatia send kisses from Zagreb and give 12 to Italy.<br />
<br />
11.37<br />
Lithuania's "12 Points To Go" tshirt is probably funny if you're Lithuanian. 12 to The Netherlands<br />
<br />
The UK hasn't picked up a point for quite a while now.<br />
<br />
Serbia are ready to fire a shotgun, but stylishly. 12 to North Macedonia.<br />
<br />
Iceland's jacket might be an electronic circuit. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Georgia have broken off from pouring the wine at a wedding to give 12 to the Czechs.<br />
<br />
Greece are doing a tribute to Bill And Ted. 12 to Cyprus. The booing when Cyprus gave Greece 12 is reprised.<br />
<br />
Latvia want to yack on about music being a universal language. 12 to the Netherlands.<br />
<br />
11.41<br />
Czech Republic do a lot of waving. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Denmark really looks like you'd hope. 12 to Sweden<br />
<br />
France are chic, in an Amelie sort of way, though disappointingly don't have the Tower of Pisa tattooed on their arm. 12 to the Netherlands.<br />
<br />
Christopher has a natty windcheater. 12 to Sweden. Every time he gets 12, John Lundvick does a pose which is meant to look greatful but screams 'heart murmur'<br />
<br />
Switzerland have sent Bill AND Ted. 12 to North Macedonia.<br />
<br />
Slovenia know they're coming late so have pulled out the stops - 12 to the Czechs.<br />
<br />
Last jury vote is Israel and the last 12 to the Netherlands.<br />
<br />
So at this stage, Sweden have overhauled North Macedonia. The UK has 13, and aren't quite bottom.<br />
<br />
11.48<br />
Clive Myrie's last tube has left.<br />
<br />
Bring on the popular vote.<br />
<br />
Apparently we've got to have some waffle.<br />
<br />
A lot of waffle.<br />
<br />
The public have given the UK three points. Or "the bum's rush" as it's known.<br />
<br />
11.51<br />
Yep, UK solid bottom whatever happens now.<br />
<br />
Germany got nothing at all, though.<br />
<br />
Norway have got over 200 and jumped from lower arse of the board to the top.<br />
<br />
Iceland flashing Palestinian flags as their score comes through.<br />
<br />
Italy take the lead, but Netherlands, Sweden and Macedonia to go.<br />
<br />
North Macedonia only got 58 points. Blimey. That's brutal.<br />
<br />
Midnight<br />
<br />
It's fucking Sunday.<br />
<br />
And they're dragging this out.<br />
<br />
Sweden only get 93 points. And the look on his face.<br />
<br />
So the Netherlands win.<br />
<br />
Their first win since 1975.<br />
<br />
Duncan Lawrence takes the stage to belt out the song with the credits rushing over it. Over an hour late. I suppose we shouldn't have expected Israel to respect the boundaries of the schedule.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Oh dear. How has limp Coldplay won this? Ugh. 💤😴💤😴💤 <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision2019?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#eurovision2019</a></p>— Shawndra 🦔 (@Shawndrarara) <a href="https://twitter.com/Shawndrarara/status/1129885337344462848?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 18, 2019</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
Duncan asking the audience to "sing it", as if they might have been able to remember any aspect of his song.<br />
<br />
12.10<br />
So, what have we learned? Greece and Cyprus are the only countries who are prepared to run the risk of booing through mutual back-scratching. Madonna's voice has gone to shit. The UK got the result it didn't deserve but should have expected. And at least next year we might be able to avoid holding a silly song contest in a human rights disaster zone.<br />
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-27266733625326444942018-05-12T17:53:00.001+00:002018-05-12T22:50:25.987+00:00Liveblog: Eurovision 20186.50pm<br />
During the Second World War, the Ministry of Defence ejected the inhabitants of Imber from their village, so that their homes and streets could be used for training purposes. All these years on, the MOD still controls the settlement and limits access, although once a year - just once a year - the Church is thrown open to hold a celebratory service.<br />
<br />
In much the same way, No Rock & Roll Fun has been depopulated for generations, and its comments areas reduced to being used for testing ballistic bollocks of SEO spam, but on this one, very special day, we're allowed back inside to mark the occasion of Eurovision.<br />
<br />
Although since we're here we'll also point out that <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-44088403">Bono's son is as much of a tiresome arse as his dad</a>.<br />
<br />
We'll be back in about an hour, where we'll bring you exactly what you haven't been missing since we went on hiatus: gratuitous rudeness about musicians just trying to do their best; shoehorned in gags about Brexit; high-concept puns that miss their targets and really, really bad typos.<br />
<br />
Did you miss us?<br />
While we were away?<br />
<br />
*sounds of silence sweeping through the air*<br />
<br />
<br />
6.56<br />
If you're looking for a better way to follow Eurovision, by the way, @neilslorance could be your man:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Hey! I'll be live drawing <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> tonight! Follow along from 8pm! Here's what I did last year :) <a href="https://t.co/meV51LsH4H">pic.twitter.com/meV51LsH4H</a></p>— Neil Slorance (@neilslorance) <a href="https://twitter.com/neilslorance/status/995353493673308162?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
7.31<br />
Pointless is doing a stage actors special, rather than a Eurovision special, which is all wrong.<br />
<br />
<br />
7.35<br />
In the spirit of full disclosure, I'm writing this on drugs: LemSip Max. The daytime ones, which are Iron Man colourschemed; not the nighttime ones which are Spiderman colourschemed.<br />
<br />
<br />
7.59<br />
We're sharing this country with some sour-faced types, aren't we?<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">In a referendum on Britain's membership of the Eurovision Song Contest, how would you vote?<br />
<br />
Remain: 44%<br />
Leave: 56%<br />
<br />
--<br />
<br />
2016 Remain voters:<br />
Remain: 65%<br />
Leave: 35%<br />
<br />
2016 Leave voters:<br />
Remain: 21%<br />
Leave: 76%<br />
<br />
via <a href="https://twitter.com/YouGov?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@YouGov</a>, 08 - 09 May 2017<br />
Excl. undecideds and non-voters.</p>— Britain Elects (@britainelects) <a href="https://twitter.com/britainelects/status/995369133758873603?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
8.00<br />
We're off! Graham Norton is promising us we'll see every nook and cranny of Portugal tonight. Thank god it's a small country or we'll be here all night.<br />
<br />
8.02<br />
Is this last year's winner kicking us off? Didn't catch what Graham said, and have no memory of the song which won last year. <br />
<br />
8.05<br />
No, hang on, Michelle Williams doing Gwen Steffani is now on, doing something to the sound of men drumming on a bridge. This is not a euphemism.<br />
<br />
8.07<br />
There's some business with flags this year, with your Uncle Dan and his son Matt, just out of prison, being allowed to do their wedding disco dj act, as flags of all nations are paraded on stage.<br />
<br />
It's like a little chance to take against the singers before they even have a chance to sing a single note. It saves time, I guess.<br />
<br />
8.09<br />
The flag bearers are dressed like sailors. Well, not sailors, Jean Paul Gaultier's idea of what sailors might look like.<br />
<br />
8.10<br />
"There is no clear winner here" says Graham Norton, which is something you'd have thought he'd have learned as standard during the half decade he's been doing this.<br />
<br />
Oh, turns out he means there's no clear favourite.<br />
<br />
Theres a bunch of ballads, promises Norton. Great, that'll keep the energy up.<br />
<br />
8.12<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Ten minutes in and they haven’t started the competition. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/axhL5NxrVT">pic.twitter.com/axhL5NxrVT</a></p>— Whedonesque (@whedonesque) <a href="https://twitter.com/whedonesque/status/995380996039172096?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
8.13<br />
I think I saw at least one person channeling Starsky And Hutch pimp stylings there, so there's that.<br />
<br />
The hosts are coming on. Oh god, there's four of them. It might be Four of Diamonds, finally bobbing back up to the surface.<br />
<br />
We have the power, it's promised. ("Alongside the juries", so not all the power then.)<br />
<br />
8.15<br />
Graham explaining how we vote in the UK. You have to #usepens, apparently.<br />
<br />
Ukraine <br />
MELOVIN<br />
Under The Ladder<br />
<br />
Melovin is meeting a horse in the pre-performance role. Interesting name. There's only one Melvin with the hole in the middle.<br />
<br />
Holy shit he appears to have been buried alive. What the hell?<br />
<br />
His coffin has opened up to eject him, like a weird vampiric Stannah stairlift.<br />
<br />
"Curtains down, I'm laughing at the trial" he sings, like some sort of far eastern David Platt.<br />
<br />
He also suggests that the wind is always fair, which for someone who gets is whipping into him straight from the Urals is quite generous.<br />
<br />
His coffin has now turned into a piano.<br />
<br />
8.20<br />
Spain <br />
Amaia y Alfred<br />
Tu Canción<br />
<br />
Amaia and Alfred have cooked some food in the hot springs of Portugal. In real life, they're a couple - but have only just become a couple. Whether their relationship will be able to withstand performing this plodder in front of millions is anyone's guess.<br />
<br />
(Spoiler: it won't)<br />
<br />
They're singing in Spanish, which is interesting - this year is the year that a record number of contestants are doing songs in their own language rather than English. Like we've gone already, isn't it?<br />
<br />
8.24<br />
Slovenia <br />
Lea Sirk<br />
Hvala, ne!<br />
<br />
Lea Sirk has gone to look at a lighthouse. That's a sign that Portugal is running out of nooks already, isn't it?<br />
<br />
Disco! Disco! Disco! Disco!<br />
<br />
This sounds like something that would have turned up in the second half of The Hitman And Her. The bit where you wake up and realise you hadn't made it to bed yet.<br />
<br />
She's not bad. It sounds like a disappointing track from an otherwise OK album.<br />
<br />
Hang on, she's trying to get the audience to clap and sing and along.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">ANALYSIS SUGGESTIONS "NOBODY' WAS READY TO SING WITH HER <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/EUROVISION?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#EUROVISION</a></p>— DIMBLEBOT (@DIMBLEBOT) <a href="https://twitter.com/DIMBLEBOT/status/995384991893917696?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
8.27<br />
Lithuania <br />
Ieva Zasimauskaitė<br />
When We're Old<br />
<br />
A wind farm. We're now into the 'underwhelming school trip ideas' part of the pre-song films.<br />
<br />
Is she going to stand up and have some drums kick in after the first verse? Or is she intending to sit down for the whole thing and let it dribble towards us?<br />
<br />
Nope, she's going to sit for the whole lot and let the heavy lifting be done by some superimposed ghosts.<br />
<br />
Hang on, she's up and moving about. (I haven't said that with the same level of relief since my gran got over her fall in 1977)<br />
<br />
Someone has now turned up to help her off the stage.<br />
<br />
Graham says it was pared back. True, but pared back leaving nothing.<br />
<br />
8.32<br />
Austria <br />
Cesár Sampson<br />
Nobody But You<br />
<br />
Cesar has been sent cycling.<br />
<br />
Cesar's aunt is Pepsi out of Pepsi and Shirlie. <br />
<br />
He's got a nice shiny shirt on, which I bet is making him sweat like a bastard. "It wouldn't be right, letting you go" he says, which maybe sounded less creepy when he wrote he.<br />
<br />
So, in the Pepsi family, he's very much the sugar-free version.<br />
<br />
8.36<br />
Estonia <br />
Elina Nechayeva<br />
La Forza<br />
<br />
Elina is being forced to scramble up the side of a mountain to introduce her song. So she's putting in the effort, then.<br />
<br />
Oh my, her dress appears to be a functioning brain of a giant sea mammal.<br />
<br />
This is an opera style song and not one of the good operas. It's an opera written by someone who doesn't really like opera and thinks it's just women going "waaaa-lllaaa--aaaaah" at a high pitch. I think I mean Andrew Lloyd Webber, don't I?<br />
<br />
8.40<br />
Norway <br />
Alexander Rybak<br />
That's How You Write A Song<br />
<br />
There's a hostage to fortune in that song title right there, isn't it?<br />
<br />
Alex is looking at some street art before the song. He's done a picture of a doggy.<br />
<br />
Oh, jesus, he's got ghost instruments. He's done air guitar, air drum and air violin in the first ten seconds.<br />
<br />
The track sounds like it desperately wants to be advertising a second-string fizzy drink at some point in the mid 1980s. Something not quite as good as Quatro.<br />
<br />
Oh, enough with the doo-dabby-dab-doo-heys.<br />
<br />
Alex seems convinced "how you write a song" is just splotting out some jazz-scat words in a jaunty fashion. Clearly never seen Words And Music with Hugh Grant, has he?<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">It’s the lad from your work Christmas party who says he’s up for ‘banter, yeah’, drinks four Jägerbombs and ends up fingering the intern out behind the bins. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/pLO4A79cYo">pic.twitter.com/pLO4A79cYo</a></p>— Mic Wright (@brokenbottleboy) <a href="https://twitter.com/brokenbottleboy/status/995389566717751296?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
8.44<br />
Portugal <br />
Cláudia Pascoal<br />
O Jardim<br />
<br />
Home team time. Claudia has been sent to meet some jolly Jack Tars on a sailing clipper. She doesn't look thrilled.<br />
<br />
She's started singing now, and still doesn't look thrilled.<br />
<br />
Very much pitched at the 'we don't want to be embarrassed, but we really don't want to have to host this again next year' sweet spot.<br />
<br />
8.48<br />
The hosts have popped back, and did a joke about listening to music "straight" - "well, that's one way to put it". Because it's gay. DO YOU SEE?<br />
<br />
There are adverts in the rest of the Europe. We get people doing creaky gay jokes.<br />
<br />
8.50<br />
United Kingdom <br />
SuRie<br />
Storm<br />
<br />
SuRie's pre-song bit looks like one of the Aldi adverts where they make people go to farms as punishment for being rude about discounters on Twitter.<br />
<br />
She might have picked this song up at an Aldi, too, come to that. It's a 'great summer of sport on ITV4' idea of anthemic.<br />
<br />
There's an incident - jesus, someone's pinched her microphone. She's carried on like a pro, though.<br />
<br />
She looks really pissed off. May have got her some sympathy votes, though.<br />
<br />
8.55<br />
Panicky cut to the green room, where they're doing a really nervy interview to try and cover the problem without referencing what actually happened.<br />
<br />
8.56<br />
She's so relieved to pass back to the music.<br />
<br />
Rylan's fucking ready for a fucking fight:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">AND TO THE FILTH THAT JUST DONE THAT TO US I HOPE YOU BROKE YOUR LEG WHEN YOU WAS DRAGGED OFF</p>— Rylan Clark-Neal (@Rylan) <a href="https://twitter.com/Rylan/status/995392121392783360?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
Serbia <br />
Sanja Ilić & Balkanika<br />
Nova Deca<br />
<br />
This is quite nice in a Dead Can Dance meets Ming The Merciless way. But meanwhile, let's take a look at that stage invasion again:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Last time there was a rage invasion, the act got to perform again at the end of the night. Assume that’ll happen again tonight. Well done to SuRie for holding it together. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/GBR?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#GBR</a> <a href="https://t.co/BIEaWHvtCk">pic.twitter.com/BIEaWHvtCk</a></p>— Mark Savage (@mrdiscopop) <a href="https://twitter.com/mrdiscopop/status/995392207178878976?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
9.00<br />
Germany <br />
Michael Schulte<br />
You Let Me Walk Alone<br />
<br />
"Germany's answer to Ed Sheeran", apparently, which you would have thought would have been "no, thank you"<br />
<br />
Michael goes to see some birds.<br />
<br />
Oh god, he's not an answer to Ed Sheeran; he's like the North Korean nuclear program's attempt to create an Ed Sheeran.<br />
<br />
One love! true heart! His lyrics are basically a stream of shit tattoos. I suspect the chorus is going to be "peace, but written in Sanskrit."<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">SuRie’s bodyguards sacked. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/SF5Jyo2zXX">pic.twitter.com/SF5Jyo2zXX</a></p>— Tom Price (@pricetom) <a href="https://twitter.com/pricetom/status/995392639057977355?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
9.04<br />
Albania <br />
Eugent Bushpepa<br />
Mall<br />
<br />
Eugent is wandering down a canal, like a poor man's Timothy West.<br />
<br />
Tuck your shirt in Eugent. You're on the television.<br />
<br />
He's clapping... but not in time with the song he's singing.<br />
<br />
This is 'hair band, but somehow they've been booked to do a wedding and so are doing their best'.<br />
<br />
9.08<br />
France <br />
Madame Monsieur<br />
Mercy<br />
<br />
Ooh! A funicular railway. If Monsieur ever quits, Michael Portillo would be happy to fill in.<br />
<br />
Some serious shoulder pads going on here with Madame.<br />
<br />
I'd been hoping it was going to be a solo artist playing about with gender, but instead they're just a translation of Him And Her without the Zooey Descahnnel.<br />
<br />
It's good that someone is addressing the European refugee crisis at Eurovision. It's just a pity the song is such a hostile environment to a tune.<br />
<br />
9.12<br />
Czech Republic <br />
Mikolas Josef<br />
Lie To Me<br />
<br />
Mikolas has been sent to do whatever the Portugese equivalent of Morris dancing is.<br />
<br />
Oh god.<br />
<br />
Just no.<br />
<br />
It's a Hubba Bubba advert.<br />
<br />
If the Fresh Prince was Prince Edward and not Will Smith.<br />
<br />
9.17<br />
Denmark <br />
Rasmussen<br />
Higher Ground<br />
<br />
Yes, Denmark. You're Vikings. WE GET IT.<br />
<br />
Very much the opening theme to an attempt by European broadcasters to make something for the Game Of Thrones audience.<br />
<br />
"Freeze the arrow in the air, make your mark and leave it hanging there." That's not how arrows work.<br />
<br />
9.20<br />
Australia <br />
Jessica Mauboy<br />
We Got Love<br />
<br />
We've finally all got over Australia taking part, right? They've been doing it for years. We're no longer surprised, are we?<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Ah yes, Australia, that famous European country <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/EUROVISION?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#EUROVISION</a></p>— ContentQueenB (@ContentQueenB) <a href="https://twitter.com/ContentQueenB/status/995398473875968001?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">AUSTRALIA ISN'T IN FUCKING EUROPE</p>— Thomas Heasman-Hunt (@ThommyH_H) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThommyH_H/status/995398473657868288?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Australia shoukd not be allowed to participate. It makes me sooooo mad. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/EUROVISION?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#EUROVISION</a></p>— Michelle (@glowingmagpie) <a href="https://twitter.com/glowingmagpie/status/995398472709877762?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
That's a no, then.<br />
<br />
I like her dress. Like a proper Dairy Milk wrapper from back when they came in foil rather than plastic. <br />
<br />
It's only two-thirds of a song, though, which is a shame.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Australia, a country so comfortable with its national identity that it spends half its time kicking MPs out of its parliament for being half-European then begs to enter <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a>.</p>— Jim Waterson (@jimwaterson) <a href="https://twitter.com/jimwaterson/status/995399059811823616?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
9.25<br />
A scheduled break now, with a less panicky visit to the green room. This does mean they're doing a bit of prescripted bantz, though. I think I prefer it when they're all confused.<br />
<br />
9.27<br />
Finland <br />
Saara Aalto<br />
Monsters<br />
<br />
Saara has been sent off to do some golf. So she's suffered enough.<br />
<br />
She's come dressed as a soap opera goth. And holy shit she's been strapped to one of those rotating wheels that magicians assistants are lashed to so that they can have knives thrown at them.<br />
<br />
And her dancers are like Nazis from a sci-fi series set in a near future dystopia on BBC One for Saturday nights in the 1970s.<br />
<br />
9.32<br />
SuRie has been offered a second crack, but she's turned it down.<br />
<br />
Bulgaria <br />
EQUINOX<br />
Bones<br />
<br />
First pan pipes of the evening.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, looking back at the awkward green room bit:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">When it comes to chat up lines I'm not sure Alien 3 is the best place to seek inspiration from.<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/EUROVISION?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#EUROVISION</a> <a href="https://t.co/HulXVIEOX4">pic.twitter.com/HulXVIEOX4</a></p>— Graham Lithgow (@grahamlithgow) <a href="https://twitter.com/grahamlithgow/status/995400221692710913?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
Back at the Bulgarian entry, and never have so many people put so much effort into a song with so little result.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">(You can tell I've grown in respect for SuRie immensely now because I'm bothering to capitalise that R) <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#eurovision</a></p>— Chris Rubery (@Chrisrubery) <a href="https://twitter.com/Chrisrubery/status/995402190729744386?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
9.36<br />
Moldova <br />
DoReDoS<br />
My Lucky Day<br />
<br />
The band have been sent to... some trees or something. Oh, a country house.<br />
<br />
DoReDos was, of course, used by most Moldovan PCs until they got hold of some dodgy copies of Windows XP.<br />
<br />
They're singing behind the doors from Rowan And Martin's Laugh-In.<br />
<br />
"I walk into temptation; something tells me we can make some music." Yes, but you really should resist that temptation based on this.<br />
<br />
9.40<br />
"Oh my god, I love your chicken" the host says to a member of the audience.<br />
<br />
Sweden <br />
Benjamin Ingrosso<br />
Dance You Off<br />
<br />
Benjamin has also been sent to a farm. They're really running out of ideas now. He's making cheese, like he's doing one of the dull 'local colour' bits on Escape To The Country.<br />
<br />
Ooh, he has some slinky hips.<br />
<br />
It's fair enough to admit that he's basically bought a 'How To Be Michael Jackson' guide from the back pages of a comic, but at least he read it to the end.<br />
<br />
He also appears to be doing a vocoder voice with his actual voice.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">This is definitely the worst Liam Payne single so far <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a></p>— Regular Miles (@sleepssundays) <a href="https://twitter.com/sleepssundays/status/995404145627627520?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Press 2 if you’d prefer this joke with “Nick Jonas”</p>— Regular Miles (@sleepssundays) <a href="https://twitter.com/sleepssundays/status/995404303992016902?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
9.45<br />
Hungary <br />
AWS<br />
Viszlát Nyár<br />
<br />
Some sort of wandering about at a castle for their pre-song bit.<br />
<br />
Oh, this is tonight's ROCK ENTRY.<br />
<br />
This is the sort of rock that won the Cold War, people. Give it some respect.<br />
<br />
Little bit more respect.<br />
<br />
Okay, that's enough respect.<br />
<br />
You can buy Levis in any high street in Eastern Europe now. Your work is done, guys.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">As you can see it’s an absolute mosh pit in the standing area <a href="https://t.co/6ad2XTIrqz">pic.twitter.com/6ad2XTIrqz</a></p>— David Wyllie (@journodave) <a href="https://twitter.com/journodave/status/995405118827843585?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
9.49<br />
Israel <br />
Netta<br />
TOY<br />
<br />
They don't even seem to have bothered to come up with something for Netta to look at. Just got some people to hang around with her.<br />
<br />
Bjork, if Bjork was made with High Fructose Corn Syrup and artificial sweetners.<br />
<br />
It's got some snap to it, but it's so self-consciously quirky that it's hard to like.<br />
<br />
9.53<br />
The Netherlands <br />
Waylon<br />
Outlaw In 'Em<br />
<br />
Waylon's making bread - no, hang on, he's making those tarts they sell in Nandos.<br />
<br />
Waylon is the Starsky and Hutch pimp dude - remember him, from two hours ago? Although this song is more designed for a southern cop series - he's a maverick, struggling with a divorce and a drink problem; he's getting his ass busted by the suits down at City Hall.<br />
<br />
"Everyone's got a little outlaw in them" he sings.<br />
<br />
9.57<br />
Ireland <br />
Ryan O'Shaughnessy<br />
Together<br />
<br />
Ryan has gone off under water, because they've run out of dry land to take people onto.<br />
<br />
This is the song that upset the Chinese, because of the same-gender snogging in the dance routine. It would have also upset Chinese gays because frankly if you're going to have two hot boys kissing, they deserve a better soundtrack than this.<br />
<br />
This is a fair point:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Absolutely fuck anyone who turns up to Eurovision with a 'song'. Bring an absolutely cacophany of electronic nonsense and a glitter canon or piss off back to the open mike night at your deserted pub. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a></p>— Olly Richards (@olly_richards) <a href="https://twitter.com/olly_richards/status/995408240212086785?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
10.01<br />
Cyprus <br />
Eleni Foureira<br />
Fuego<br />
<br />
They've sent Eleni off to do some cooking in a greengrocers.<br />
<br />
Now, that's a statement outfit. Can the song rise to the outfit?<br />
<br />
Oh, yes. It can.<br />
<br />
Although now it sounds like there's a kazoo somehow got into the mix.<br />
<br />
10.05<br />
One left to go...<br />
<br />
Italy <br />
Ermal Meta e Fabrizio Moro<br />
Non Mi Avete Fatto Niente<br />
<br />
This bunch have been taken to a circus. They're cruel bastards in Portugal.<br />
<br />
Ah, a jolly song about all the terrorism in Europe. That's a high spot to end the contestants upon.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">They look like the Sunday evening remnants of a chemsex party in Kennington <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/ITA?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#ITA</a></p>— shon faye. (@shonfaye) <a href="https://twitter.com/shonfaye/status/995410047541960704?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<br />
10.10<br />
And we're done. All over. Except the voting. And... this bit in the middle.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Cyprus's choreography wouldn't have been half as impressive if they all had pixie cuts <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/Iu0mlism3W">pic.twitter.com/Iu0mlism3W</a></p>— Holly Brockwell (@holly) <a href="https://twitter.com/holly/status/995409856394940423?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
They're explaining the voting, and reminding us of the many horrors we have survived this evening.<br />
<br />
Here's a grab of that invasion:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiiGp0gEo-Or1n7FoJwYhsORs7f04eW-fTG9rFGreLLBmyyE1gNKGqwEYUx3IXdmag2Q5cKZW2sCFq8iDRHqe6H0TdnnRO-ozbBq7fxs7EW7P78nXGciyd4gEnon5qMODXD73T/s1600/DdBn90rWAAMAzL_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiiGp0gEo-Or1n7FoJwYhsORs7f04eW-fTG9rFGreLLBmyyE1gNKGqwEYUx3IXdmag2Q5cKZW2sCFq8iDRHqe6H0TdnnRO-ozbBq7fxs7EW7P78nXGciyd4gEnon5qMODXD73T/s320/DdBn90rWAAMAzL_.jpg" width="320" height="197" data-original-width="1079" data-original-height="665" /></a></div><br />
A wartime scientist is rushing on stage to stop a Butlin's kid's show pirate from interfering with Annie Lennox.<br />
<br />
10.18<br />
We're about to celebrate Lisbon, everybody. A place that brings together "songs from all places". Including, it turns out, from under the fridge.<br />
<br />
10.21<br />
If the stretching of the pre-song films didn't make you think about cancelling plans to fly to Lisbon, this musical celebration will have you trying to get your money back off from EasyJet.<br />
<br />
10.24<br />
Another voting recap. Even when Hitler died they didn't make him have his life flash TWICE in front of his eyes.<br />
<br />
10.26<br />
If I'd seen Dennis Nielsen had died before that last entry, I could have gone with a more topical monster.<br />
<br />
The worst thing about Twitter is that we get Graham Norton reading out a long list of people having parties.<br />
<br />
He's also chiding the stage invader. It's not what you do, no matter how worthy your cause, scolds Norton. Yeah, rot in hell, Emily Davidson.<br />
<br />
10.30<br />
Portugal now explaining why they didn't win for 53 years with a 'comedy' bit. This comedy bit explains why they won't win for another 53 years.<br />
<br />
10.35<br />
Still an hour of this go, everyone. <br />
<br />
Turns out Moldova was more interesting from behind:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Here's what's going on behind Moldova's doors <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/AllAboard?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#AllAboard</a> <a href="https://t.co/hTCRI4ihwq">pic.twitter.com/hTCRI4ihwq</a></p>— Peter Hayes (@ThatPeterHayes) <a href="https://twitter.com/ThatPeterHayes/status/995404465535627264?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
If you've been wondering what the most shoe-horned reference to Eurovision would be on timelines this evening... I'm calling it for this:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Whether it’s combatting serious and organised crime or engaging in a friendly singing competition, we are always proud to stand alongside our European partners.<a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/DL2bdQguSe">pic.twitter.com/DL2bdQguSe</a></p>— NationalCrimeAgency (@NCA_UK) <a href="https://twitter.com/NCA_UK/status/995401370231541760?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
10.38<br />
Ah! This is last year's winner, but doing his new single. He seems blissfully unaware that European viewers give about as many fucks about his new single, as points Norway traditionally get given.<br />
<br />
10.42<br />
Now he's going to do a duet version of last year's winner. He's really spoiling us.<br />
<br />
10.45<br />
Did last year's winning song really last fourteen years? Because it is right now.<br />
<br />
10.47<br />
Why are they doing the voting recap again? We've had long enough to do a fucking postal vote, never mind a phone-in.<br />
<br />
10.50<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">This bit of <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> is like waiting at the taxi rank between the nightclub and the party</p>— Jennifer O'Connell (@jenoconnell) <a href="https://twitter.com/jenoconnell/status/995420856183672832?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
10.52<br />
They're finally closing the voting.<br />
<br />
10.53<br />
They're doing that bit where an old guy mutters into a microphone.<br />
<br />
We're into the scoring<br />
<br />
Ukraine - Charlize Theron in spy mode gives 12 to France. Nothing to us.<br />
<br />
Azerbaijan's Matt Baker gives 12 to Albania. Abania now lead on alphabetical ordering.<br />
<br />
Belarus have two members of some sort of shit cult giving 12 to Cyprus.<br />
<br />
UK still on nothing.<br />
<br />
10.56<br />
San Marino has someone wearing a bow tie and padding his part with a big envelope. 12 to Israel.<br />
<br />
Netherlands have last year's girl band giving 12 to Germany<br />
<br />
The voting is all over the place, although the UK has got fuck all from everyone.<br />
<br />
Macedonia makes a joke about Beyonce which doesn;t make sense. Estonia get their 12.<br />
<br />
Malta are in front of a fountain. She flatters the hosts, she flatters the show, and gives 12 to Cyprus.<br />
<br />
Georgia's woman looks bald due to a lighting mix up. UK still on nothing; Sweden get 12.<br />
<br />
11.00<br />
Spain, in a flamboyant jacket, give 12 to Cyprus.<br />
<br />
Austria pretends to be a chicken and gives 12 to Israel.<br />
<br />
Denmark gives 12 to Germany.<br />
<br />
UK are still on zero.<br />
<br />
Mel out of Mel and Sue is doing the UK scoring from Uxbridge. 12 to Austria.<br />
<br />
Israel currently in the lead. UK on the cold bottom.<br />
<br />
Sweden's guy starts with his back to the screen - 12 to Cyprus, who he reckons has the best dancers he's ever seen. Doesn't get out much, then.<br />
<br />
Latvia give the UK two points, and 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
11.04<br />
Albania's bank manager dude gives 12 to Italy.<br />
<br />
The voting is zipping along, compared to the interval. We might even get the news early.<br />
<br />
Croatia give another 2 to UK; 12 to Lithuania.<br />
<br />
Ireland. Nicky Byrne has a pile of hair on his head. No points for the UK. 12 to Cyprus. Let's put a hard border in, then.<br />
<br />
Romania has asymetrical long hair, which is a thing. 12 to Austria.<br />
<br />
Czech Republic's 12 to Israel puts them back in the lead.<br />
<br />
Iceland are wearing a football top; 12 to Austria<br />
<br />
Moldova have a girl from a perfume counter with a cut-glass RP meets Eastern European accent. 12 to Estonia.<br />
<br />
11.10<br />
Belgium wishes she was there to party with the Lisbon girls. She doesn't really. 12 to Austria.<br />
<br />
Oh, we've gone to a break. Just when it was zipping along.<br />
<br />
11.12<br />
Back to the voting.<br />
<br />
Norway look like they were halfway through making a Daft Punk outfit but ran out of time. 12 to Germany.<br />
<br />
UK stuck on 4.<br />
<br />
France give 3 to the UK, and are wearing a horrible 'flesh' coloured suit. Possibly made from flesh. 12 to Israel.<br />
<br />
Italy gift 6 to the UK. We're really trundling forward off the bottom now. 12 to Norway.<br />
<br />
Australian bloke shows off he can talk Portuguese. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Estonia breaks off from doing a serial killing to give 12 to "the amazing Austria"<br />
<br />
11.17<br />
Serbia give 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Cyprus have an ill-advsied 1980s jacket and seems to think the scoring works like last year. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Armenia looks like you'd expect; praises "the most dynamic show ever" so clearly missed the interval. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Bulgaria found it all emotional. 12 to Austria, who are starting to build a lead.<br />
<br />
Greece are wrapped in bacofoil. Does a La La Land joke which falls flat.12 to Cyprus.<br />
<br />
Hungary have a TV presenter on hand; 12 to Denmark.<br />
<br />
11.22<br />
Montenegro remember we exist, and give 2 points. 12 to Serbia. The stadium is booing, which is a bit rich. Save that for Twitter.<br />
<br />
Germany is in the worst bridesmaid dress of the night. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Finland has a mini Bjork for the scores, so it makes sense 12 to Israel.<br />
<br />
Russia. 12 points to Putin. No, Moldova, which is even more surprising.<br />
<br />
11.24<br />
Switzerland has a lot of hair. 12 to Germany. The UK has had another dry patch.<br />
<br />
Israel have given 8 to the UK. 12 to Austria.<br />
<br />
Poland has even larger hair than Nicky Byrne for the 12 to Austria.<br />
<br />
Lithuania have made out like a bandit at TK Maxx. 12 to Asutria.<br />
<br />
Slovenia have dressed for a sexy winter funeral. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Last knockings from the jury votes is Portugal. 12 to Estonia.<br />
<br />
UK end up on 23 from this part of the votes.<br />
<br />
11.30<br />
Now, let's open the floodgates and let in the viewers votes. The wisdom of the crowds.<br />
<br />
Oh, we're doing some backstage business first.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">We've spent almost an hour doing the jury votes and now the public vote is going to completely change everything, rendering the past hour a complete waste of time. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Eurovision</a> there.</p>— Steve Binnie (@evibenstein) <a href="https://twitter.com/evibenstein/status/995430986669273089?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
"This will be exciting" says old bloke.<br />
<br />
Well, probably not. But let's do it anyway.<br />
<br />
Okay it is a bit exciting.<br />
<br />
It's shaking things up a bit.<br />
<br />
25 to the UK to bring us up to 48. Solid bottom quarter performance.<br />
<br />
11.35<br />
THE NEWS IS NOW LATE.<br />
<br />
11.36<br />
There's a lot of half hearted flag waving as people get large points totals that won't take them to the top.<br />
<br />
Okay it's pretty exciting. Providing Israel don't win.<br />
<br />
11.40<br />
Bollocks. Israel's plinkyplonky turkakakla stuff has just edged past Cyprus right at the end.<br />
<br />
Graham Norton briefly forgets we're the UK and thinks we're Australia.<br />
<br />
11.42<br />
The UK came 24th our of 26th. If the stage invasion helped her vote, she'd presumably otherwise have been in negative equity.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Disconnect between the public & jury vote is interesting. Britiain absolutely eating shit on both, however.</p>— pg often (@pgofton) <a href="https://twitter.com/pgofton/status/995434150722199553?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Worked though.</p>— Rick Burin (@rickburin) <a href="https://twitter.com/rickburin/status/995433738044674054?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 12, 2018</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
Now we're going to ave self-consciously quirkiness all over again. I think I dislike it more this time.<br />
<br />
11.45<br />
THE RESCHEDULED NEWS IS NOW LATE.<br />
<br />
Next year, we should enter the ghost of Peter Glaze doing something from Crackerjack. It's our only hope.<br />
<br />
"We'll see you in Israel" says Graham Norton, showing more hope for the Middle East than most political commentators right now.<br />
<br />
Well, this has been fun. Thanks for sticking with us for what has felt like seventy hours of torture. See you back here next year, probably...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-33354115461511017352017-05-23T07:39:00.003+00:002017-05-23T07:39:42.986+00:00Manchester; Manchester, EnglandIt's the side details that really sting; how for many last night this was a Christmas gift; children calling their parents during the interval, thanking Mum for letting them go.<br />
<br />
Last night would have been the first gig for so many there; the first real gig; the first gig without a parental chaperone. Becoming an adult; becoming grown-up.<br />
<br />
Learning to be in a different sort of crowd; in the dark, sharing an experience. Learning to be.<br />
<br />
It should have been a story; a throwaway line on a first date ten years hence - "my first gig was Ariana Grande... I know, I know... there were massive pink balloons bouncing off people's heads". It shouldn't have been a horror story.<br />
<br />
Ten years hence, it should have been a half-defiant smile at the musical taste of your younger self - because you never really lose that love for the songs that carry you through your teenage years, because there's always a debt there; because those songs, those moments, those gigs are part of you. Your warp. Your weft.<br />
<br />
In the dark, in those clubs and arenas, you learn who you are. You learn how you are. You feel your wings spreading. You feel lifted.<br />
<br />
And not everyone in those spaces is pure and honest, but alliances are formed. Strangers look out for each other. People you will never speak to, whose names you will never know, will form partnerships with you to push back the bullies and the louts.<br />
<br />
You learn who you are. You learn how you are.<br />
<br />
There's no shortage of love letters to Manchester in popular culture. Hell, a lot of popular culture is a love letter to Manchester, and its environs. And seeing Manchester rallying in the face of the unimaginable, you're reminded why. <br />
<br />
The families of 22 people are waking up to a world changed, unexpectedly, inexorably. Thousands more have many dark and difficult times ahead.<br />
<br />
But listening to the radio; reading Facebook and Twitter, you could see Mancunians coming together to help - small acts of kindness; amazing acts of generosity. Caring. Helping.<br />
<br />
Alliances with strangers. Partnerships to push back the horror.<br />
<br />
In the dark, you learn who you are. You learn how you are.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-21111884642956897752017-05-13T18:01:00.001+00:002017-05-13T22:44:50.007+00:00Eurovision 2017: The Liveblog6.58<br />
An empty room. A figure enters, a cloud of dust billowing up in the light of their torch. They tug at a dustsheet, revealing one of those big old tape-driven computers underneath.<br />
<br />
They push a button.<br />
<br />
Nothing.<br />
<br />
They push more firmly.<br />
<br />
"Come on, come on."<br />
<br />
The tape spins a half-turn.<br />
<br />
The figure pushes the button once again.<br />
<br />
This time, the tapes spin, and, slowly, the lights go on in the room. The figure pulls another dustsheet off a computer terminal, sits down and types a sentence:<br />
<br />
NO ROCK AND ROLL FUN - BACK FOR THE EUROVISION LIVEBLOG 2017.<br />
<br />
They make a mental note to never do this in the NHS IT nervecentre again, though.<br />
<br />
7.25<br />
According to the <a href="http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/bookies-predict-uk-eurovision-entry-10413746">Daily Record</a>, despite Brexit, the UK should clean up tonight:<br />
<blockquote>That's because it's been predicted the United Kingdom will wow its European neighbours and not finish last, for once.</blockquote>Yay! Not finishing last "for once"<br />
<br />
(Although the last time we actually came last was 2010, so... that's not exactly a great leap forward.)<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, that same mean spirit of Brexit which is going to drag us out of the EU and into the 1950s is showing up elsewhere. <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-39899913">BBC News reports</a>:<br />
<blockquote>The poll of 1,650 Britons by YouGov found 56% would quit the competition.<br />
And it found those who backed Leave in the EU referendum were most likely to want to drop out, with 76% to 21% in favour of quitting. Remain voters were 65% to 35% in favour of competing.</blockquote>Good god, how shrivelled must your face be to think that Brexit has to mean an end to singing with our nearest neighbours? Jesus, it's even got Australians in it. Australia is happy to be part of it, and they've never even thought about joining the Euro.<br />
<br />
7.35<br />
If you're trying to avoid Doctor Who to save it for later, this is worth a few minutes of your time - <a href="https://medium.com/@Bickerrecord/eurovision-my-dad-2d93a29ebb12">Paul Cotterill on his Dad and Eurovision</a>:<br />
<blockquote>From childhood memory, dad did not speak not much at home, and spent free time alone on the hills or on his bike, though he always took us out when he could, to show us how to navigate in the mist, and how to “just get up that one last hill, son.”<br />
<br />
Yet for one night every year, this strong, silent man — a man who might even be described as drab and fun-free — would be glued to the most undad-like glintz of Euro Song on TV (well, as soon as we had TV — I think we were late adopters); I can still remember his utterly confident prediction of an ABBA win in 1974 as soon as he heard it.</blockquote><br />
7.45<br />
Meanwhile, in Eastern Ukraine, the Russians have blocked Eurovision, as <a href="http://www.france24.com/en/20170513-eurovision-hoopla-fails-reach-ukraines-war-torn-east?ref=tw_i">France 24</a> reports:<br />
<blockquote>But not all Donetsk musicians are sorry to see Eurovision skirt them by.<br />
<br />
Yevgeny Ryba is the lead singer of a popular local rock band called Duglas and treats the pop extravaganza with a big dose of disdain.<br />
<br />
"That is not real music," the 40-year-old huffed while taking a break in a local music cafe.<br />
<br />
"There is no Eurovision on TV? Fine. They do not show Indian cricket here either," he said with a sarcastic grin.<br />
<br />
Ryba's band performed in Donetsk during Eurovision's opening gala ceremony in Kiev last Sunday.<br />
<br />
He argued that shows such as his have created a "cultural renaissance" out of the ruins of war and alleviated the constant sense of crisis in the region.<br />
<br />
Chkhan agreed that "no one really knows what country we will end up living in".<br />
<br />
But she also laughed off the suggestion that the music scene in Donetsk had risen to international standards.</blockquote><br />
7.55<br />
We were robbed of the chance of seeing Kazakstan taking part this year - they got really, really close. Wikipedia reckons:<br />
<blockquote>Kazakhstan – Khabar Agency became an associate member of the EBU on 1 January 2016, opening up the possibility of a future participation. However, the EBU announced on 28 September that while Khabar Agency were unable to debut in the 2016 contest because they did not have active membership, they are reviewing the rules for the 2017 contest, which may include opening up the possibility of Khabar Agency making its début in the contest. However, Kazakhstan was not on the final list of participating countries announced by the EBU on 31 October 2016.</blockquote>Not to be. Maybe they can take our place next year.<br />
<br />
8.00<br />
And we're off<br />
<br />
8.01<br />
Children running through the not-war-torn bits of Ukraine. Ooh, and a beautiful doggy. Isn't Ukraine beautiful (apart from the war-torn bits?)<br />
<br />
8.02<br />
Looks like the Ukrainian lottery machine has broken and spilled its balls everywhere.<br />
<br />
They're doing a flag parade - "a new tradition" says Graham Norton, although something is either a tradition or its new. Don't pull that Elf On The Shelf shit with us, Eurovision.<br />
<br />
<br />
8.03<br />
The professional juries have already voted; Norton explains who our jury were - none of them household names.<br />
<br />
The flag parade isn't really a parade; it's just the singers emerging from the darkness to wave and walk towards a baying crowd.<br />
<br />
The Americans aren't watching live this year, apparently. Despite all that hoopla last year when Logo signed up for it.<br />
<br />
8.08<br />
The three presenters are very diverse - one has a beard, one has a glittery jacket and one looks like a cowboy from a low-rent Westworld.<br />
<br />
8.09<br />
Seymour is a Euro fact machine, which is like a love machine. But with facts. What? What does that mean?<br />
<br />
8.11<br />
And we're off, again, but now properly.<br />
<br />
Israel IMRI "I Feel Alive"<br />
<br />
Imri is having all kinds of fun in the into video. <br />
<br />
He feels alive everytime we come around, apparently. This sounds like the sort of moribund corpse that you find in the darker corpse of a Ellie Goulding album. It doesn't quite ever get as uptempo as it needs to.<br />
<br />
8.14<br />
And to be fair, Goulding can usually bring something like this off; Imri, though, sings with the conviction of a man who knows that his chorus isn't really a chorus.<br />
<br />
Poland Kasia Moś "Flashlight"<br />
<br />
For a moment I thought that was Fleshlight, which would have been interesting.<br />
<br />
Poland are being represented by Eva from Coronation Street.<br />
<br />
"Fire... like a burning desire"<br />
<br />
Really? Fire like a burning desire? Really?<br />
<br />
8.17<br />
Hold on, though, the giant light dog in the background is interesting. Or is it a stag? Hard to keep track.<br />
<br />
"HAAAAAYYYY-AYYYYY-AYYYY-OOOOOOH-OOOH-OOOOOH-OWWWWWW"<br />
<br />
Norton's suggesting the Polish diaspora might carry it for Eva and Her Giant Dog.<br />
<br />
8,20<br />
Belarus Naviband "Story of My Life"<br />
"This is a bit Mumford and Sons" says Norton, and not in the tone of voice you'd usually use for a dire warning.<br />
<br />
Oh, god. They look like Persil Automatic have tried to recreate the White Stripes for an advert.<br />
<br />
The song is... artisan. In other words, it sounds like it's been made with dirty hands. My suspicion with most things from Eastern Europe that sound jolly and folky is that they're actually singing about the crushing destruction of other nations, and the success of collectivisation.<br />
<br />
There's even some yodelling. That should see them sent back to the State Farm.<br />
<br />
8.25<br />
Austria Nathan Trent "Running on Air"<br />
<br />
The preview vid shows Nathan (who has chosen this name, apparently) in "the studio" nodding along to "the mix".<br />
<br />
He's sitting on a half moon, like he's the Dreamworks logo.<br />
<br />
Did he just say "if you let me down I'll drown like an edelweiss"<br />
<br />
Did he just say "I can't dream of tacos, even if your life's a mess"?<br />
<br />
"If you put me down, I'll just get up again" says Nathan confidently. Yeah, I've had cats tell me that in the past.<br />
<br />
"I'm sure there'll be good times, there'll be bad times..." Well, you're half right.<br />
<br />
8.27<br />
Armenia Artsvik "Fly with Me"<br />
<br />
Ooh, I like the billowing smoke monster on the edge of the stage.<br />
<br />
This is what the Banarama reunion would be like if Shakespeares Sister had been in charge.<br />
<br />
"I'm not sure these ethnic instruments have a Goth setting, captain, but I'll see what I can do".<br />
<br />
8.30<br />
Netherlands O'G3NE "Lights and Shadows"<br />
<br />
The Netherlands team are out doing some shopping, which is an incredible insight into their life. Three sisters, apparently, and two of them are twins, which sounds like a "brothers and sisters have I none" type riddle.<br />
<br />
Two are wearing short skirts and one of them doesn't think they need to do that sort of thing to win.<br />
<br />
Kudos for crowbarring the phrase "on a scale of one to ten" into a pop lyric, although the song is more "show us on the doll where he hurt you".<br />
<br />
8.35<br />
Looks like the other channels have gone to adverts, lucky sods. We're left with people karaoking an awful version of Volare.<br />
<br />
Back to the music:<br />
<br />
Moldova Sunstroke Project "Hey, Mamma!"<br />
<br />
This band are almost identical to the trio of presenters. Apparently they delighted us in 2010 as well. Moldova isn't a big country, so I guess it's like jury service and you can end up having to do it repeatedly.<br />
<br />
This sounds like the sort of track they'd use to advertise tape cassettes in the 80s. Complete with cool guy playing a saxophone.<br />
<br />
You're grown men, stop hassling your mothers, dudes.<br />
<br />
See you in 2024...<br />
<br />
It felt like it was over, but they've decided to go "Hey Mama, hey ma ma ma" until we all die of old age.<br />
<br />
<br />
8.41<br />
Hungary Joci Pápai "Origo"<br />
<br />
He's bringing a milk churn on stage. To play. Like he's a rural version of Stomp!<br />
<br />
Joci is dressed like he's recently been cashiered from a 19th century army.<br />
<br />
He's got a perturbed face; as if he's not entirely sure why he's been sent to a song contest when he was meant to be ensuring the cannon were fully charged.<br />
<br />
Spot of Hungarian rapping, which shows that it's not a language that naturally embraces hip-hop styling.<br />
<br />
8.45<br />
Italy Francesco Gabbani "Occidentali's Karma"<br />
<br />
This was an early favourite,<br />
<br />
Francesco accompanied by the grandchildren of the Spinners, in matching sweaters.<br />
<br />
This has been a big radio hit right across Europe, which to be honest makes me feel a bit better about Brexit for the first time since June 23rd. Maybe UKIP had a point.<br />
<br />
A man dressed as a gorilla on stage now, which - if memory serves - was one of the gimmicks End Of Part One proposed for Party Political Broadcasts. The monkey is meant to be the best choreographer in Italy, but he's not even very good at wearing a gorilla suit.<br />
<br />
8.49<br />
Denmark Anja "Where I Am"<br />
<br />
"Your love is repeating".<br />
<br />
Try Gaviscon, love.<br />
<br />
This song very much stuff which would be better thrashed out with your mates over a third bottle of wine rather than performed at Eurovision.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">D Cup Denmark on her knees : that's cheating <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision?src=hash">#eurovision</a></p>— HOLLY JOHNSON (@TheHollyJohnson) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheHollyJohnson/status/863482232153014272">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
8.52<br />
Portugal Salvador Sobral "Amar Pelos Dois"<br />
<br />
The restaurant is closing; just a couple of tables left; the pianist loosens his bowtie and tries something he's written for himself. The barman stops wiping the glasses and listens; his mind drifts to a forgotten time, and a lost love. <br />
<br />
I'll bet Salvador's spent ages desperately trying to work out how to crowbar a man dressed as a gorilla into this, though.<br />
<br />
8.57<br />
Bit of business between the presenters. They're reading out tweets.<br />
<br />
Azerbaijan Dihaj "Skeletons"<br />
<br />
Right, so they're in a schoolroom; she's got goth make-up and a cheap mac over an even cheaper negligee.<br />
<br />
In the intor video they looked more like a third-string Indie Top 20 act (a Salad, or something in that order).<br />
<br />
Oh! It's that guy with the horse head who used to do Big Brother's Little Brother with Russell Brand. I never thought he'd work again.<br />
<br />
Blackboard's over. This is the most kickass detention since the Breakfast Club.<br />
<br />
It's not quite as interesting as they thought it was.<br />
<br />
9.01<br />
Croatia Jacques Houdek "My Friend"<br />
<br />
Instant conspiracy theory in the room is that this is the Hungarian again in a different poorly chosen jacket. There's a reason for this jacket, though - half formal, half rock. He's a shapeshifter, see?<br />
<br />
Jacques is doing something that is half 70s MOR, half the Three Tenors. "Do your best, take a test" he appears to be singing.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">David Gest inflated with a bicycle pump <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Croatia?src=hash">#Croatia</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash">#Eurovision</a></p>— RedSkyAtNight (@redskyatnight) <a href="https://twitter.com/redskyatnight/status/863484862212263936">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">I kinda wish he’d done this song dressed like this. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision2017?src=hash">#eurovision2017</a> <a href="https://t.co/fctYJr922m">pic.twitter.com/fctYJr922m</a></p>— Rhodri Marsden (@rhodri) <a href="https://twitter.com/rhodri/status/863485311711629312">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
9.06<br />
Australia Isaiah "Don't Come Easy"<br />
<br />
Well, yeah, nobody wants that.<br />
<br />
Lovely head of hair. He's clearly been carried a long way on his hair alone.<br />
<br />
"It don't come easy; it don't come cheap" he emotes, like a man singing about IT security in the health sector.<br />
<br />
9.10<br />
More business from the side of the stage. "Give yourself a cheer" encourages whichever one of the three presenters was hanging about. "People here don't even have to wear shoes" he explains.<br />
<br />
9.12<br />
Greece Demy "This Is Love"<br />
<br />
She's got massive hands. You could clear a septic tank with those hands.<br />
<br />
This sounds like the sort of song you'd write if you wanted to write a song that sounded like a Eurovision winner.<br />
<br />
Half naked men have just popped up from the ground. Maybe they were having a look at the tank while they were down there.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Calvin Harris tonight, watching Eurovision: "I'll see you in court, sunshine... and you... you too... oh mate, that's *obviously* mine..."</p>— Simon (@HungryHatter) <a href="https://twitter.com/HungryHatter/status/863488009999712256">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
9.16<br />
Spain Manel Navarro "Do It for Your Lover"<br />
<br />
The run of 'Don't come easy, this is love; do it for your lover' suggest Eurovision doing one of those Spotify playlists<br />
<br />
There is a dancing VW camper in the background of this; you would be able to extrapolate the rest of the look and act from that one detail alone.<br />
<br />
"Hey, we've bought our guitars to the beach, and we've got a song to sing..."<br />
<br />
They've now been superimposed onto surfboards.<br />
<br />
Disaster! His voice broke halfway through the performance.<br />
<br />
9.20<br />
"Wrong notes there; I wonder if something's going wrong technically" says Norton, generously. Yes, something's technically wrong. These people aren't technically singers.<br />
<br />
9.21<br />
Norway JOWST5 "Grab the Moment"<br />
<br />
Fucking hell, it's the ghost of Jim Diamond.<br />
<br />
"I'm going to kill that boy" sings ghost Jim, which surely should have been enough to have him detained.<br />
<br />
Oh, he's going to kill the voice in his head, not a boy.<br />
<br />
Wish he'd kill the voice in our heads, which is his voice. <br />
<br />
9.25<br />
There's still two hours of this to go.<br />
<br />
9.28<br />
There's been a comedy insert. Let's all of us pretend it didn't happen.<br />
<br />
United Kingdom Lucie Jones "Never Give Up on You"<br />
<br />
Started out at 28-1, you'll recall. So very much the Corbyn of this particular battle.<br />
<br />
Stacey Soloman, this could have been you.<br />
<br />
Lucie singing like there's a really bad smell under her nose.<br />
<br />
One of her eyebrows is a lot higher than the other, and I can't tell if this is acting or just how she came out the box.<br />
<br />
"Don't let go when you're so close". How many songs in this Eurovision sound like the lyrics have been cribbed off a poster in an HR office?<br />
<br />
You expect the song to burst into something bigger, bolder, better but when it hits the point where that should happen, the gauge is just turned up to Slightly Less Mild.<br />
<br />
9.32<br />
Cyprus Hovig "Gravity"<br />
<br />
The intro film for this makes Hovig sound so dull they're superimposing a warning about flashing lights to try and inject some danger into proceedings<br />
<br />
He's a rip-off Rag And Bone Man. <br />
<br />
Gravity is the force which drags you down. Never has a song been so aptly named.<br />
<br />
BREAKING: Wish I'd known this important detail before:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Lucie Jones once appeared with the late, great Elisabeth Sladen in The Sarah Jane Adventures. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/DoctorWho?src=hash">#DoctorWho</a> <a href="https://t.co/nKgMJRYIE8">pic.twitter.com/nKgMJRYIE8</a></p>— Paul Lang (@rudemrlang) <a href="https://twitter.com/rudemrlang/status/863492592691970049">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
9.37<br />
Romania Ilinca and Alex Florea "Yodel It!"<br />
<br />
Rap meets yodelling.<br />
<br />
Words like 'small children meet chipping machine'<br />
<br />
In a strange twist, the yodelling is actually the best bit of the song; the rapping is horrible. Who would have put money on that?<br />
<br />
There's canons on stage; hope the guy from Hungary is secure backstage, otherwise we could be in for a tragedy.<br />
<br />
9.40<br />
Germany Levina "Perfect Life"<br />
<br />
First lying down on the stage of the evening<br />
<br />
The lighting makes it look like her head's on fire.<br />
<br />
This. Song. Has. Emph. Atic. Beats.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="fr" dir="ltr"><a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/GER?src=hash">#GER</a> monochrome La Roux</p>— Gareth (@dnotice2012) <a href="https://twitter.com/dnotice2012/status/863494708810702848">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
9.50<br />
Ukraine O.Torvald "Time"<br />
Was feeding the cats during this, but could see it was a band going "we're a proper group and we do proper music", with all the late period Ocean Colour Scene that implies.<br />
<br />
Belgium Blanche "City Lights"<br />
<br />
Was so hoping this was going to be a tribute to Blanche from Corrie.<br />
<br />
Blanche looks terrified. More rabbit in headlights than city lights.<br />
<br />
Hang on... she's starting to seem a little more confident. "Hey, this isn't so bad, is it? It's going well. I AM going to get through this. Thank god I took the rescue remedy before going on stage."<br />
<br />
I bet she's hoping she doesn't win and have to go through that again, ever.<br />
<br />
9.54<br />
Sweden Robin Bengtsson "I Can't Go On"<br />
<br />
You and all of Europe, Robin.<br />
<br />
THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE HIM WEAR UNDERPANTS.<br />
<br />
It's like a meerkat in a shopping bag.<br />
<br />
Graham Norton warned us about the Australian's eyebrows, and yet didn't mention the cock flapping about like a codfish in a drained ocean?<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Once again we are seeing complete ambivalence from <a href="https://twitter.com/labourpress">@labourpress</a> on European issues. No <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash">#Eurovision</a> chat at all.</p>— Lib Dem Press Office (@LibDemPress) <a href="https://twitter.com/LibDemPress/status/863498674961252357">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
9.59<br />
Bulgaria Kristian Kostov "Beautiful Mess"<br />
<br />
"Born in this century", making us all feel like Bulgaria's Great Uncles.<br />
<br />
Kristian is like a baby Michael Mcintyre. <br />
<br />
Oh, hang on, he's singing, isn't he? I spent so long wondering if there was some sort of structure holding up his hair, I didn't notice.<br />
<br />
10.05<br />
France Alma "Requiem"<br />
<br />
Was so hoping this was going to be a tribute to Alma from Corrie<br />
<br />
Instead, it turns out to be Kym Marsh marching across a European wasteland. Just shaded into some jaunty marching, but still marching.<br />
<br />
Just been discovering how fucking hard-to-get Luxembourg played this year:<br />
<blockquote>While RTL Télé Lëtzebuerg (RTL) announced on 25 May 2016 that they would not participate in the contest, the Petitions Committee of the Luxembourgish Government announced on 21 June that they had received a petition calling on RTL to return to the contest. The Luxembourgish Government have decided to debate the proposals set out in the petition, and the possibility of Luxembourg returning to the contest in future. RTL reiterated its intention not to participate on 22 August.</blockquote><br />
Meanwhile, Turkey's not here for reasons:<br />
<blockquote>Turkey withdrew after last participating in 2012, due to their discontent at the introduction of a mixed voting system to the contest and the automatic qualification of the Big Five for the final.</blockquote>Yeah, because if we've learned one thing this year it's how much Turkey values democracy.<br />
<br />
<br />
Anyway, all the songs are now over, and Europe as one is heading to the toilet. And then will hit the phones, and vote vote vote.<br />
<br />
10.08<br />
Oh god, they've dragged back that Biggins-in-space performer from some years back, like a drunk glam teletubby.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoW0TIFtLstoXQ1g-tXynPphbrdZLkTh04oXsU3SeXHtAZNofgio_bgVzbnXl_xvH-DlMjCS1KYr_i2epjc3GrHl-TjURA34rfDBpShoL4NCcJCQxJxZg3JCtz8-adcfrhWLWL/s1600/star.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoW0TIFtLstoXQ1g-tXynPphbrdZLkTh04oXsU3SeXHtAZNofgio_bgVzbnXl_xvH-DlMjCS1KYr_i2epjc3GrHl-TjURA34rfDBpShoL4NCcJCQxJxZg3JCtz8-adcfrhWLWL/s1600/star.png" /></a></div><br />
10.16<br />
They're brought us Ruslana, who might be the last Great Winner of Eurovision. This is better than pishy Timberlake last year.<br />
<br />
And she's wearing Chain Mail.<br />
<br />
Can we write-in this as a winner?<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">This is the longest Nigel Farage hasn't been on TV in years. Expect him to turn up soon and tell everyone to get proper jobs. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/eurovision?src=hash">#eurovision</a></p>— Ross Lawson (@Ross_Lawson) <a href="https://twitter.com/Ross_Lawson/status/863503100535087105">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
10.22<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">my new favourite reaction pic <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash">#Eurovision</a> <a href="https://t.co/GCgGqlobm7">pic.twitter.com/GCgGqlobm7</a></p>— hannah (@SUPRNATURALARRY) <a href="https://twitter.com/SUPRNATURALARRY/status/863503540555309059">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
10.25<br />
They're now going to bring together the traditional and contemporary sounds of Ukraine, which I bet sounded like a brilliant idea at the breakfast meeting where they came up with it.<br />
<br />
Actually... this is pretty cool. Mainly because they're dressed like sexy Stormtroopers.<br />
<br />
In the 'halloween costume' sense of 'sexy Stormtrooper', and the Star Wars sense. Except Halloween costumes never pay to licence brands, so they'd be Sexy Space War Fighters.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixch6tdZxC9fUSW9YpyDPtbAWgAMJZKpuTnSJYP2RUAm8O9Xmdf6-2-u5kbnxqS9uIh0bR_YTyMVohgG4yIIJ37PX_C19z8MxMW2lX8j3c98sdXzDRh-olve64Q3RajjPNgB8o/s1600/stormtoooper.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixch6tdZxC9fUSW9YpyDPtbAWgAMJZKpuTnSJYP2RUAm8O9Xmdf6-2-u5kbnxqS9uIh0bR_YTyMVohgG4yIIJ37PX_C19z8MxMW2lX8j3c98sdXzDRh-olve64Q3RajjPNgB8o/s1600/stormtoooper.png" /></a></div><br />
10.32<br />
They're talking to a fan. It's hard to say who looks more uncomfortable.<br />
<br />
10.33<br />
Presenters have done a costume change, but as you can't remember what they were wearing earlier it's a moot point.<br />
<br />
The winner of Junior Eurovision is on, despite it being way past her bedtime. She's a better presenter than the actual presenters. She's not a good presenter, but she's better than them.<br />
<br />
10.36<br />
Recap of the contestants again.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, a message to Europe:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Please vote for <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/GBR?src=hash">#GBR</a> so that we are forced to hold a pan-European music festival during Brexit negotiations. Thank you <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Eurovision?src=hash">#Eurovision</a></p>— Lee W. Ferris Ⓥ (@calamospondylus) <a href="https://twitter.com/calamospondylus/status/863495196524384257">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
10.41<br />
Jamala's on now. Of course, last year Russia moped about her winning song, because they thought it was critical of Russia. Which it was.<br />
<br />
Graham Norton's just apologised for a glimpse of a "bare bottom" during this performance.<br />
<br />
10.45<br />
Choosing a Eurovision winner, says one of the hosts, is like choosing a chocolate from a box. Difficult, because there's so many delicious ones to choose from. Clearly they've never had Dairy Milk.<br />
<br />
10.46<br />
The voting is about to begin.<br />
<br />
"The grand wizard" might not be who the Ukrainian hosts think he is.<br />
<br />
Off we go to collect the points from the juries...<br />
<br />
Sweden first... 12 to Portugal<br />
<br />
Azerbaijan has turned up in a tshirt. Cool. 12 to Belarus.<br />
<br />
San Marino are hiding behind a giant carboard cut out for some reason. 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
UK currently have just six points, but that's midtable right now<br />
<br />
Latvia have spent the entire budget on hair extensions. 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
10.50<br />
<br />
Israel are showing off their skills at languages, and running through the times they've won. IBA are closing down, says their host, and won't be taking part any more. That's brought things down a bit. They give 12 to Portugal before sliding off into the night.<br />
<br />
<br />
Montenegro give 12 to Greece, which is a surprise.<br />
<br />
Albania have the Very Best Waiter in Tirana giving the scores. 12 goes to Italy.<br />
<br />
But Portugal still way out in front.<br />
<br />
10.53<br />
Malta pass 12 across the sea to Italy.<br />
<br />
Macedonia's evil magician gives 12 to Bulgaria.<br />
<br />
10.55<br />
"Greetings from Denmark... where I am". Yes, that's the point. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Austria are very excited. 12 to Netherlands.<br />
<br />
Portugal have broken 100.<br />
<br />
Evil twins from Norway stop floating and knocking on windows long enough to give 12 to Bulgaria.<br />
<br />
10.57<br />
Spain's jury leader looks so regal, she can barely bring herself to talk to us. 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
Germany are on zero. That's a fucking outrage, Europe.<br />
<br />
Finland have been independent for 100 years. Putin's sitting at home saying "that's enough". 12 to Sweden,<br />
<br />
France have obviously got the Eufeel tower in the background and won't shut up. 12 to Portugal<br />
<br />
11.00<br />
Greece have borrowed the white jacket, but must try to stop getting grass stains on it. 12 to Cyprus.<br />
<br />
Lithuania give 12 to Portugal<br />
<br />
Estonia have nipped out of a wedding to give 12 to Bulgaria<br />
<br />
Moldova say "you've done a great job, really." Clearly being sarcastic. 12 to Romania.<br />
<br />
It's unlikely the split voting is going to overturn Portugal's lead.<br />
<br />
Armenia could only afford 3/4 of her dress. 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
11.04<br />
UK languishing in the middle of the table.<br />
<br />
Oh, god, they've had to fit in an ad break which means the awful scoring procession has been stopped for some really horrible comedy dancing.<br />
<br />
11.06<br />
Bulgaria says "looks like you're having a lot of fun over there", so clearly can't see a TV screen. 12 to Austria.<br />
<br />
Iceland's votes being shared by Edward from the League of Gentlemen. 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
Serbia are smiling too much. Portugal have broken 200.<br />
<br />
11.09<br />
A human/koala hybrid from Australia now. 12 to the UK. That's because Australia don't give a shit about Brexit.<br />
<br />
Italy is sharing their good karma with us, and if she leans forward in that dress, we'll be sharing a lot more. 12 to Azerbaijan.<br />
<br />
Germany giving votes despite still being on a flat zero. The hosts have just made the crowd cheer for Germany, which is a bit patronising. 12 to Norway.<br />
<br />
Portugal appear to be wearing a halloween nurse's outfit. 12 to Azerbaijan (nothing to Spain, you note)<br />
<br />
Switzerland's boy-man gives 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
Netherlands have brought a puppy. "This is Tammy, the most wonderful girl in the world." Ukranian host seems as disturbed as the rest of us. 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
Nicky Byrne is doing the Ireland votes but he doesn't have a puppy. 12 to Belguim. Nothing for the UK.<br />
<br />
11.15<br />
Georgia is sleeping in his car right now, but just until things get sorted out, right? 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
Cyprus is wearing those funny Groucho Marx glasses. 12 to Greece.<br />
<br />
Sounds like some booing in the audience for that.<br />
<br />
Belarus give 12 to Bulgaria.<br />
<br />
Romania refreshingly wipe-clean tonight - it's not a sexy dress, looks more like something you'd wear for woodworking. 12 to Netherlands.<br />
<br />
Hungary give their 12 to Portugal, and take them past 300.<br />
<br />
Slovenia pass 10 to the UK, and make a joke about the pub. 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
Belguim got their hair done at Audrey Roberts. 12 to Sweden.<br />
<br />
Spain on nul still<br />
<br />
Poland give 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
11.20<br />
Katrina out the Waves reminds us she won 20 years ago; the hosts say "the year I was born". Katrina glowers. 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
Croatia's dress is a tribute to architecture. If not morality. 12 to Hungary.<br />
<br />
Czech give 12 to Portugal.<br />
<br />
Last jury is Ukraine, 12 go to Belarus.<br />
<br />
It seems unlikely that the popular votes will overturn Portugal's lead.<br />
<br />
Norton suggests our indistinguished middle table position is "going quite well".<br />
<br />
11.25<br />
NEWS NOW LATE KLAXON.<br />
<br />
They're trying to explain the voting system. It still doesn't make much sense.<br />
<br />
Host is behind the judges table saying he wants to touch everything. Judges looking scared.<br />
<br />
11.26<br />
They're milking this.<br />
<br />
Spain have finally got some points.<br />
<br />
12 to the UK, which isn't good news at this point of the show.<br />
<br />
They ought to be counting down how many available points remain on the screen.<br />
<br />
11.30<br />
Hungary have bounced from near bottom to quite high up.<br />
<br />
Actually, this is quite tense after all.<br />
<br />
Until they start milking it again.<br />
<br />
11.32<br />
Belgium did really well in the popular vote for someone who was terrified.<br />
<br />
Portugal win.<br />
<br />
Hang on, which one was Portugal? Oh, yes. That one. Closing time song.<br />
<br />
He's been given a giant glass microphone and jesus was that a gunshot?<br />
<br />
11.35<br />
They want "even something" from Salvador. He says something tart about bringing back real music.<br />
<br />
"The amazing year comes to an end" says one of the hosts. They don't want to hand over so they're talking and talking and talking.<br />
<br />
Salvador is going to do his song all over again. Appropriately, they're going to roll the credits over it, aren't they?<br />
<br />
His sister is singing a bit - she's got a better voice than he has.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">In 1974, the playing of Portugal's Eurovision entry was the signal for the Carnation Revolution overthrowing the fascist Estado Novo regime.</p>— John O'Farrell (@mrjohnofarrell) <a href="https://twitter.com/mrjohnofarrell/status/863524093357940738">May 13, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
Obviously, if his sister had sung it for the competition Portugal would have super-won it.<br />
<br />
PROGRAMME AFTER THE NEWS NOW LATE TOO KLAXON<br />
<br />
11.43<br />
Well, that's that for another year. What have we learned? Only how much the guy from Netherlands loves his dog. And that, perhaps, is enough.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com38tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-73562137735867627492017-04-25T18:17:00.002+00:002017-04-25T18:17:58.731+00:00Kerrang find a new homeMixmag media, who own, erm, Mixmag, have bought Kerrang! from Bauer and have big plans for the UK's last rock weekly (No, the NME no longer counts). The plan involves it ceasing to be a rock weekly.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.campaignlive.co.uk/article/mixmag-buys-kerrang-plans-revive-face-double-acquisition/1431481">Campaing Live reports</a>:<br />
<blockquote>Jerry Perkins, who runs Mixmag Media, plans to turn Kerrang! from a print weekly to a monthly in the UK and focus on building its global, digital audience.<br />
<br />
"Mixmag and Kerrang! are quite similar – they’re ‘f*** it’ audiences," Perkins said. "They like what they like and don’t care about what anyone else thinks."</blockquote>I think this is a polite way of saying "they're clinging to their unfashionable music tastes, and prepared to pay".<br />
<br />
Bauer keeps the Kerrang brand for TV and radio - which isn't going to be easy; the K! radio playlist has drifted quite a way from the K! paper worldview even under the same roof. (Kerrang Radio is less 'fuck it' and more 'gosh, if we must'.)<br />
<br />
As part of the deal, Mixmag have also bought the Face brand, with plans to revive it online, and maybe in print. At the time it closed in 2004, The Face had managed to slot itself into self-mythologised irrelevance, so it'll be interesting to see how that works online.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-50753218147497487782017-03-25T09:11:00.002+00:002017-03-25T09:11:59.192+00:00Noel Gallagher is worse than his brother at fashionTo be honest, we'd assumed that Pretty Green set the bar so high for 'terrible Oasis related fashion activity' that it was a record which would never be beaten. Like Seb Coe's 800 metres in 1981, it looked like we'd found a marker in human endeavour that would endure.<br />
<br />
But like Seb Coe's record, nothing lasts forever.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.nme.com/news/music/noel-gallagher-adidas-shoes-garwen-spzl-2026403">There's something worse just round the corner</a>:<br />
<blockquote>Noel Gallagher has partnered with Adidas for a new signature shoe.<br />
<br />
The former Oasis guitarist has designed his version of the Garwen SPZL trainers as part of Adidas’ 2017 spring SPEZIAL range.</blockquote>Hang on a moment, though. It's not just Noel Gallagher Has Designed A Plimsole. Because that would be worthy of being terrible in its own right. But it's the design he's come up with that really lifts this to 'world-beatingly godawful':<br />
<blockquote>The shoe comes in indigo leather and is said to be 70s-inspired, featuring a picture of Noel on the shoe’s tongue and his date of birth inside.</blockquote>Ninety Nine Pounds. For a shoe that only really functions as a way that Liam can remember when he's meant to send Noel a birthday card.<br />
<br />
Some of the Adidas celeb tie-ups now are so bad, I suspect they're just an elaborate trolling activity on the part of a company which has frankly grown bored of fiddling with the sleeve length on football jerseys.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-27394471192480956392017-02-22T18:25:00.003+00:002017-02-22T21:58:30.780+00:00Liveblog: Brits 20176.25<br />
You can't keep a good blog down. You're equally unable, it appears, to keep a terrible blog down, and into that latter category falls the 2017 No Rock & Roll Fun Brits liveblog. Hello, everybody.<br />
<br />
<br />
6.30<br />
This year, we're back at the cavernous, soulless O2, but there's been a change onstage. Out goes Ant n Dec - let's hope they took the Brits Head of Antics with them too. In their place comes Dermot O'Leary. Dermot is a surprising choice of host for the Brits, in that he's a good presenter, charming company and - although he's going to be made to do a bit of business during the show - he'll be able to carry it off.<br />
<br />
Oh, and Emma Willis is there too.<br />
<br />
(Actually, although Emma Willis isn't the greatest presenter, at least someone at Brits HQ has remembered that women are capable of holding a microphone - there hasn't been a female presenter since Kylie in 2009.)<br />
<br />
It wasn't meant to be Dermot though, with or without Emma. The original plan had been for Michael Buble to host. Buble cancelled because his son is seriously ill, which cramps the opportunity to be snarky about it. <br />
<br />
Buble could have worked as a host - like James Blunt and Josh Groban, regardless of what you think about their ability to clear a room with their music - they're entertaining when being themselves. But two and a half hours of warm self-deprecation might have been pushing it.<br />
<br />
6.31<br />
The "Red carpet" is just starting on ITV2 - which is the sort of phrase that drains the soul, isn't it?<br />
<br />
There's an hour of red carpet, so they're going to have to hassle them down the pathway.<br />
<br />
6.32<br />
ITV2 show a lot of adverts, don't they?<br />
<br />
6.35<br />
They're showing a look back at last year's Brits, "in case you've forgotten". In the way it's possible some people have forgotten the Blitz.<br />
<br />
They nearly cut Ant & Dec out of it entirely.<br />
<br />
6.36<br />
Ed Sheeran is being grilled about what's going to be in store for his performance. "I've got a few things up my sleeve" he says, not especially mysteriously.<br />
<br />
6.38<br />
Ed's looking forward to seeing Skepta. This is as dull an interview as you'd expect.<br />
<br />
On another part of the carpet, James Arthur is also being dull. He'd never have thought it would have been possible. And something or other is "one million per cent".<br />
<br />
6.41<br />
It's Little Mix. They can't believe how many nominations they've got. It's mental, apparently.<br />
<br />
The Mix are promising "a completely different thing we've never done before". Singing in tune, maybe.<br />
<br />
Are the dance routines going to be "quite saucy"?<br />
<br />
They won't say.<br />
<br />
This is illuminating stuff.<br />
<br />
It's odd that the Brits have stuck with ITV, isn't it? ITV isn't really the home of Top Quality Awards any more - they've never had the Oscars; gave up on the BAFTAs and even the British Comedy Awards has gone elsehwere. The Brits now sits alongside that one where Carol Vorderman gives prizes to sick kiddies and what feels like a dozen events sponsored by third-tier TV listings mags which exist to give an excuse for Kym Marsh to squeeze into a couture boob tube, and for Helen Flanagan to fall out of similar.<br />
<br />
6.45<br />
Crisps, says an ad, are a big deal at Asda. That's the biggest newsline so far this evening.<br />
<br />
They're talking about the Zaha Hadid Brits statues now, because you know how an ITV2 audience loves architectural talk.<br />
<br />
6.50<br />
Ellie Goulding's turned up and actually is trying to talk about music.<br />
<br />
Along the corridor, Craig David is showing off his trainers. It's been sixteen years since he was last nominated and he hasn't really come up with anything to say in the meantime. "It's a prestigious award - as a kid growing up you always dreamed of the awards." Really? Kids dreaming of playing a poorly laid-out cave full of elderly men eating beef wellington? That's the dream?<br />
<br />
6.55<br />
Rag N Bone man now - "I don't usually wear a whistle, normally". Yeah, judging by the state of the jacket, that's a safe bet.<br />
<br />
This, though, is a suit:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">.<a href="https://twitter.com/WileyUpdates">@WileyUpdates</a>' <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/BRITs?src=hash">#BRITs</a> suit 👌 <a href="https://t.co/ornPdTUzZ0">pic.twitter.com/ornPdTUzZ0</a></p>— NME (@NME) <a href="https://twitter.com/NME/status/834476657482297347">February 22, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
Rag N Bone is now talking about Ian Beale. That's how magic this evening is.<br />
<br />
Next up, Blossoms - who look like The Wonder Stuff have just been released from six weeks being held hostage. They look a bit awkward.<br />
<br />
7.00<br />
More ads.<br />
<br />
7.05<br />
Christine And The Queens - "I'm expecting a great show" she says. Clearly they've never shown this in France, then.<br />
<br />
"I'm just happy to be nominated" she says, "it's already winning to be amongst the category of powerful ladies."<br />
<br />
The Category Of Powerful Ladies is a Alan Moore book waiting to be written.<br />
<br />
Rita Ora trots up, four times nominated and never a win. She says her outfit is "emerald queen of the forest" but it looks like a Vajazzled ill-fitting camo jacket.<br />
<br />
7.09<br />
Emeli Sande, like all the other performers, is refusing to reveal the secret for her performance this evening. It's a parade of wait and see.<br />
<br />
A note on diversity: this year's shortlist seems a little more adventurous than in previous years, but still less diverse than, for example, the Top 40 is. You can see they've tried, though. Sadly, it's like when Donald Trump finally manages to denounce anti-Semitism - knowing how hard the world had to push to get them there rather undermines the power of the message.<br />
<br />
7.11<br />
Stormzy actually looks really good in his suit. If you're going to do a suit, people, do a suit. Don't do it apologetically or ironically. That's the rule.<br />
<br />
He's been challenged to get a selfie with Little Mix, which is a bit like challenging someone shoeless in the Arctic to get frostbite.<br />
<br />
7.15<br />
For fucks sake, the 1975 have turned up cosplaying Interview With The Vampire.<br />
<br />
7.22<br />
I'm frying eggs while Whiley is being very excited about being on TV - he's the first person who seems genuniely thrilled to be here.<br />
<br />
7.27<br />
Katy Perry is a consumate professional - she says as little as most of the other guests, but is able to disguise it.<br />
<br />
She's into a rambling story about snot and Natalie Imbruglia.<br />
<br />
7.30<br />
Somehow the Red Carpet programme has managed to over run. Lets shoot over to ITV...<br />
<br />
Robbie's star has sunk so low he's reduced to doing the Mastercard break bumpers this year.<br />
<br />
7.33<br />
Dermot O'Leary (and Emma Willis) is stood on top of the O2 to start the programme. With Williams, Mars and Sande in the line-up, you might choose to stay there, mate.<br />
<br />
Little Mix are being carried onto the stage by what looks like those people who paint themselves silver and stand around at Covent Garden. The band themselves are wearing what would happen if Kwik Fit tried to make Beyonce's outfits out of used tyres.<br />
<br />
This is Shout Out My Ex, which is one of the last year's best pop songs, to be fair.<br />
<br />
And it's not The Saturdays.<br />
<br />
Dermot's doing that thing where he sucks his finger and looks puzzled. And Emma's reading an autocue.<br />
<br />
All everyone's love is being sent to Michael Buble - there was some genuine applause but in the cavernous O2 it sounded a little underwhelming.<br />
<br />
Dermot's doing that thing where he shoves his fist into his mouth.<br />
<br />
They're doing the social voting thing for best artist again this year, which is touching faith in democracy in the year we've just had.<br />
<br />
7.41<br />
David Tennant. Swoon. He's doing the female solo artist. Not like that.<br />
<br />
Nom list:<br />
Ellie Goulding<br />
Anohni<br />
Emeli Sandé<br />
Lianne La Havas<br />
Nao<br />
<br />
Emeli Sande has won, which suggests we're in for a night of the dullest lack of surprises ever.<br />
<br />
7.42<br />
That's a long walk to the stage for everyone tonight. Lots of coverage of walking.<br />
<br />
Emeli mumbles something about the journey. She's brought her sister on stage with her, and thanks the rest of the family for good measure.<br />
<br />
Actually maybe everyone else is getting thanked.<br />
<br />
7.45<br />
Oh. Already on to the adverts.<br />
<br />
God, I despise that #fooddancing thing - you just know the phrase "the Great British Public" was uttered while it was being thought-swamped out of an advertising meeting<br />
<br />
7.49<br />
They're trailing The Voice during this. The words "are you a glutton for punishment" are implied.<br />
<br />
Dermot just said the O2 is one of the great music venues, except it's not, is it? Apart from being the only place that size with a roof, it's not got much going for it.<br />
<br />
Bruno Mars is dressed as New Edition tonight. We've got it if we want it, he tells us. Actually we're lumbered with it whether we like it or not.<br />
<br />
7.54<br />
Is "that's not showy" a compliment? If it is, that's the nicest thing I can say about this.<br />
<br />
Mars is now telling the ladies he's going to break it down, because it's that part of the song.<br />
<br />
7.55<br />
Emma Willis loves Bruno Mars.<br />
<br />
Maisie Williams and Romesh Ranganathan are here for the best band. Maisie has apparently come from touching up the paint in the bathrooms.<br />
<br />
Noms:<br />
The 1975<br />
Bastille<br />
Biffy Clyro<br />
Little Mix<br />
Radiohead<br />
<br />
Little Mix versus Thom Yorke.<br />
<br />
It's hard to say who'll win out the two bands playing tonight.<br />
<br />
The 1975 win it.<br />
<br />
This is, it turns out, mental. "The reason we're here is because of our album." Well, yes, that's how it works.<br />
<br />
It's been fifteen minutes since the adverts. So lets have some more, then.<br />
<br />
Samsung are showing the quality assurance process their phones go through. Even the ones which catch fire, presumably.<br />
<br />
8.03<br />
Just two hours left, everyone. Just two hours. Just...<br />
<br />
Dermot is in the crowd of (probably) Brits School kids<br />
<br />
Oh, yes, that is who they are.<br />
<br />
Emma's been left on the stage to cue up Zane Lowe doing male solo artist. Zane Lowe!<br />
<br />
Noms:<br />
Kano<br />
David Bowie<br />
Craig David<br />
Michael Kiwanuka<br />
Skepta<br />
<br />
David Bowie has won it. He hasn't turned up. "If David Bowie was here tonight, he wouldn't be here tonight" says Michael C Hall, picking up the prize.<br />
<br />
8.08<br />
"Lovely stuff" says Dermot, uncertain how to segue into Emeli Sande playing live.<br />
<br />
They keep insisting that Emeli Sande has been away for four years, but she seems to have been everywhere all the time, and this song seems to be the same one she was doing during the Olympics, so how does that work?<br />
<br />
8.11<br />
Sande has dressed her dancers in the frumpiest outfits I have ever seen anyone dance in, and that includes that time one of Queen dressed up as Ena Sharples.<br />
<br />
8.12<br />
The clock says it was four minutes, but that felt a lot more like half of my remaining life dripping away during it.<br />
<br />
"She is a firecracker" says Emma Willis, confusing competence with incandescence.<br />
<br />
Oh, another break. <br />
<br />
8.17<br />
Breakthrough Award time. Rita Ora is doing the honours for this one, accompanied by The Sliding Rajar himself, Nick Grimshaw.<br />
<br />
Noms:<br />
Anne-Marie<br />
Blossoms<br />
Rag'n'Bone Man<br />
Skepta<br />
Stormzy<br />
<br />
It should either be Skepta or Stormzy, but the dunderheads at the Brits are going to give it to Raggedy Boneman, aren't they?<br />
<br />
Yes. Inevitably they do.<br />
<br />
8.20<br />
Apparently Ragged Bowman spent ten weeks at number one in Germany, which probably isn't going to help us with the Brexit negotiations.<br />
<br />
He's unable to busk a thank you speech.<br />
<br />
Back on the floor, Dermot is sitting at Ed Sheeran's table for a little chitty-chat.<br />
<br />
And now The 1975 are taking to the stage to literally earn the award they've been given. They've brought a large gospel choir with them to... well, really, just to make the sides of stage seem a lot less empty as they're not really high enough in the mix to do anything much else. They could have done pot plants and lamps for a third of the budget.<br />
<br />
They're flashing up some critical messages on a disgusting salmon pink background - I suspect it's intended as a 'ha! fuck you' to anyone who's criticised them in the past, but it actually comes across a little needy. "Trying too hard" reads one of the cards - and, yeah, that's actually valid criticism here.<br />
<br />
A couple might have been wry, but spending so much time throwing them on the screen felt a little... well... like this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_RR6KjW5WqslXM4IKbMFRP7YgkGG0o0wkNz7AmWf4MFDfg9wjWioYszcsgL_LkrOcHScZnYYbd4wYFMlGe37l5U5AQEFroSziaQDJHBQBO3jeIe97Z7Gr8MYAje9gIlNyR-FK/s1600/Cw1ICagUAAAE6Cv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_RR6KjW5WqslXM4IKbMFRP7YgkGG0o0wkNz7AmWf4MFDfg9wjWioYszcsgL_LkrOcHScZnYYbd4wYFMlGe37l5U5AQEFroSziaQDJHBQBO3jeIe97Z7Gr8MYAje9gIlNyR-FK/s320/Cw1ICagUAAAE6Cv.jpg" width="320" height="180" /></a></div>"And now we move onto the liars..."<br />
<br />
8.26<br />
"It's time for a break." Of course it is.<br />
<br />
8.27<br />
The Brits, traditionally, doesn't have a 'those we have lost' section - presumably because back in the early days, pop star death was still quite rare and it was still a (relatively) young person's game, so there simply weren't enough stiffs to populate a three minute montage over Annie Lennox doing 'Where Have All The Flowers Gone'. <br />
<br />
The movie industry - and the more classic-inclusive Grammys - have always had enough losses to justify a special departure gate. <br />
<br />
This year, with Bowie and Leonard Cohen amongst the nominees, should be the one that makes the organisers realise it's time for a pause to remember those who died during the year. At the moment, we get the odd splash for very big names, but many significant figures are allowed to slip away without even a mention. It's right to give thanks for George Michael, but there should be room for Rick Parfitt, too.<br />
<br />
8.31<br />
If you must celebrate a rag & bone man... try this:<br />
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/5LFvfltsy2U" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br />
<br />
8.32<br />
And they have done a full memorial section. Although the names are crowded on the screen so it's more like a video game than a moment of reflection.<br />
<br />
8.34<br />
Ridgeley, Pepsi and Shirley have come on stage to pay tribute to George. Andrew looks more like Philip Green these days, it turns out.<br />
<br />
It's nice to see all three of them on stage together again. It's easy to forget there was a time that Wham were presented as a four-piece....<br />
<br />
8.37<br />
Shirley talking about how a label gave the young band a chance, although the way Michael was screwed over by the labels probably not the best of memories.<br />
<br />
Shirley's breaking down a bit.<br />
<br />
This is quite a long talky bit.<br />
<br />
They're bringing on Chris Martin to do A Different Corner, which is a bit like a tribute to Red Rum ending with the pantomime horse from Rentaghost running about the stage.<br />
<br />
Martin is murdering this.<br />
<br />
8.42<br />
Chris Martin is pouring All The Emotions(TM) into this, like a man who bought a big tub of Emotions at Costco and is prepared to use it in one go.<br />
<br />
8.44<br />
"If I could, I would, I swear" says Chris Martin. But you can't, so you shouldn't, I'm afraid.<br />
<br />
8.45<br />
Ghostly bit of Prince saying "George Michael" on the big screen.<br />
<br />
And then it's off to more adverts.<br />
<br />
8.47<br />
Meanwhile, it turns out that The 1975 might not have the smartest fans:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">What plank would do that to the 1975? Ye alright you hacked something but they just won a brit. Jokes on you. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/BRITs2017?src=hash">#BRITs2017</a></p>— Zoe Smith (@zoeksmith14) <a href="https://twitter.com/zoeksmith14/status/834504695465046017">February 22, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">when you think the Brits have been hacked but rly <a href="https://twitter.com/the1975">@the1975</a> are too edgy 4 u <a href="https://t.co/R3PwkoUsrf">https://t.co/R3PwkoUsrf</a></p>— Immy (@immy_gill) <a href="https://twitter.com/immy_gill/status/834504878319886338">February 22, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Did ITV really get hacked during The 1975 performance??? How pathetic</p>— Aliceyears (@JustADreamer10) <a href="https://twitter.com/JustADreamer10/status/834504843091931136">February 22, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
Yeah. Not hacked. Not really that edgy, either, come to that.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">The fact that people think ITV was hacked is testament to how genius <a href="https://twitter.com/the1975">@the1975</a> truly are. Talk about getting people's attention 👌👌</p>— Siobhan. (@siobhan_varty) <a href="https://twitter.com/siobhan_varty/status/834504772099117057">February 22, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<br />
8.50<br />
British single time...<br />
<br />
Here's the noms:<br />
Alan Walker – "Faded"<br />
Calum Scott - "Dancing On My Own"<br />
Calvin Harris featuring Rihanna – "This Is What You Came For"<br />
Clean Bandit featuring Sean Paul & Anne-Marie – "Rockabye"<br />
Coldplay – "Hymn for the Weekend"<br />
James Arthur – "Say You Won't Let Go"<br />
Jonas Blue featuring Dakota – "Fast Car"<br />
Little Mix – "Shout Out to My Ex"<br />
Tinie Tempah featuring Zara Larsson – "Girls Like"<br />
ZAYN – "Pillowtalk"<br />
<br />
Holly and Fearne are on ("both named after plants" says Emma helpfully) to do the honours.<br />
<br />
8.52<br />
Little Mix have won it. I suspect based on the options available, that's as good as it could be.<br />
<br />
They manage to get lost heading from the audience to the stage, which is quite a feat.<br />
<br />
A shot of Cowell sitting in the gloom, chewing and nodding.<br />
<br />
8.55<br />
Katy Perry being thrown on to stop people turning over at the 9pm programme junction. She appears to have got trapped in Bekconscot Model Village.<br />
<br />
The houses are dancing with her which is at least better than just throwing human dancers at the stage in a bid to fill the space. Visually, it works pretty well.<br />
<br />
Pretty the song is like half a No Doubt b-side masquerading as Romania's Eurovision entry.<br />
<br />
There's two enormous dancing skeletons on the stage with her now. And Skip Marley, who isn't a giant skeleton.<br />
<br />
Now the houses have legs.<br />
<br />
9.00<br />
Jonathan Ross - remember him? - has come on to give the Special Prize Allowing Us To Give A Prize To Someone We Like Award.<br />
<br />
(Adele, and Global Success.)<br />
<br />
Adele picks up the prize on video because she's a global success and doesn't need to turn up to shit like this.<br />
<br />
9.04<br />
Emma Willis is down at the table with Rog n Bowlmen. Dermot is also there. Remember the name - Rag n Bone Man will be the subject of 2022 Where Are The Now pieces.<br />
<br />
9.05<br />
Skepta is taking to the stage. No dancing houses. Oh, and ITV are muting the swearing which kind of misses the point of showing the programme.<br />
<br />
They are putting 'Audio muted' on the screen, though, so 1975 fans don't think its ITV being hacked again.<br />
<br />
So far, he's responding to the massive stage by moving around it and being good.<br />
<br />
9.08<br />
No dancing houses. No choir. Just lights and charisma.<br />
<br />
9.09<br />
British video vote is now closed. Your chance to shape destiny is over, unless the House Of Lords can slip something into the Article 50 Bill before it returns to the Commons.<br />
<br />
9.10<br />
Oh... the skeletons with Katy Perry were meant to be Trump and May? Missed that little bit of politics there; I assumed it was some sort of oblique reference to Pink Floyd.<br />
<br />
9.13<br />
It's international male awards time - Clara Amfo, Alice Levine & Laura Jackson, who had been doing the red carpet earlier. "You're doing a great job" they tell Dermot and Emma. Like being applauded by the B-team.<br />
<br />
Noms:<br />
Bon Iver<br />
Bruno Mars<br />
Drake<br />
Leonard Cohen<br />
The Weeknd<br />
<br />
Drake has won it. Not Bruno Mars. Not Mars, who turned up and did a song. Drake isn't even in the O2. He's not even in Greenwich. This is the closest thing we have to an upset.<br />
<br />
The same trio do international female and international group - they don't even bother to read the nominations out.<br />
<br />
Beyoncé<br />
Christine and the Queens<br />
Rihanna<br />
Sia<br />
Solange<br />
<br />
and then<br />
<br />
A Tribe Called Quest<br />
Drake and Future<br />
Kings of Leon<br />
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds<br />
Twenty One Pilots<br />
<br />
Beyonce and Tribe win. Not even a VT of them pretending to be delighted.<br />
<br />
And before you can even go 'A Tribe Called...', it's the big reveal of the secret collaboration.<br />
<br />
Coldplay and Chainsmokers. "We had to sign the official secrets act" trills Emma, apparently unaware that <a href="http://www.stereogum.com/1926168/the-chainsmokers-coldplay-something-just-like-this/music/">Stereogum announced the collaboration an hour ago.</a><br />
<br />
9.20<br />
Chris Martin gets mobbed by the crowd. But they let him go to finish the song.<br />
<br />
This is as dull as you'd expect it to be.<br />
<br />
Let's just focus on how they gave an award to Beyonce and didn't play a single fucking note of her music, shall we? Why the hell did the Best International Male get their nominations treated like a proper award and the female shortlist didn't even have their names read out?<br />
<br />
Did Christine And The Queens know that was going to happen when she suffered the foolish Red Carpet interview earlier?<br />
<br />
9.25<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr"><a href="https://twitter.com/katyperry">@katyperry</a>. You win. 👌🏻😩 <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/CTTR?src=hash">#CTTR</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/BRITs2017?src=hash">#BRITs2017</a> <a href="https://t.co/6eYj3TWadJ">pic.twitter.com/6eYj3TWadJ</a></p>— JAMES GOLEY (@jamesgoley) <a href="https://twitter.com/jamesgoley/status/834510692887752704">February 22, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
When you see it like that, it makes sense.<br />
<br />
9.27<br />
Video award time. Remember, it was our votes that counted. If we voted.<br />
<br />
Simon Cowell and Nicole out the yoghurt ads are presenting this one. Neither of them really seem to know what they're meant to be doing.<br />
<br />
Here's the shortlist:<br />
Adele – "Send My Love (To Your New Lover)"<br />
Coldplay – "Hymn for the Weekend"<br />
James Arthur – "Say You Won't Let Go"<br />
Little Mix featuring Sean Paul – "Hair"<br />
One Direction – "History"<br />
ZAYN – "Pillowtalk"<br />
Clean Bandit featuring Sean Paul & Anne-Marie – "Rockabye"<br />
Jonas Blue featuring Dakota – "Fast Car"<br />
Calvin Harris featuring Rihanna – "This Is What You Came For"<br />
Tinie Tempah featuring Zara Larsson – "Girls Like"<br />
<br />
The winner is... One Direction. Of course. It might be a surprise for those of us who assumed they'd already been broken up for parts.<br />
<br />
9.30<br />
Simon Cowell starts bellowing thank yous over the top, forgetting that he's meant to be awarding, not accepting. How did ITV get him to present in a category where there was a chance one of his puppety figures would win?<br />
<br />
9.32<br />
Ed Sheeran's here to sing us all a song now. As usual, he's so bland he's making James Blunt sound like Little Richard.<br />
<br />
9.36<br />
Stormzy's joined him. It's not really helped. Like putting horseradish sauce on a bit of luncheon meat.<br />
<br />
9.37<br />
There doesn't really feel like there's any forward motion to this show - it's not just they're building to Robbie Williams as if that was a big finish, but there's not really any energy. Even when one of the acts manages to spark life into the O2, it vanishes before they make it to the next ad break.<br />
<br />
9.40<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Propa Bo-wie: Craig David reveals that David Bowie was a secret fan of his music at the <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Brits?src=hash">#Brits</a> <a href="https://t.co/Rt8NV9tRjn">https://t.co/Rt8NV9tRjn</a> <a href="https://t.co/UPlfbsRa03">pic.twitter.com/UPlfbsRa03</a></p>— NME (@NME) <a href="https://twitter.com/NME/status/834517763179831306">February 22, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
This is as credible as his claim he was making love by Wednesday.<br />
<br />
9.41<br />
Well, we're in the final stretch. Lets hold it together.<br />
<br />
Last award is for Album of the year...<br />
<br />
The 1975 – I Like It When You Sleep, for You Are So Beautiful yet So Unaware of It<br />
David Bowie – Blackstar<br />
Kano – Made in the Manor<br />
Michael Kiwanuka – Love & Hate<br />
Skepta – Konnichiwa<br />
<br />
Oh, just when you thought it couldn't get worse, Noel Gallagher (a "stick it to the man rockstar" according to Emma) shuffles on to do the prize giving bit.<br />
<br />
David Bowie wins it, and Duncan Jones comes to pick up his Dad's prize.<br />
<br />
"He's always been there for people who think they're a little bit strange" says Duncan of his Dad. (And there for Craig David,too)<br />
<br />
It's Emma's turn to fumble the switch from a heartfelt tribute to next award.<br />
<br />
We're now moving to hearing why Robbie Williams won the third-ever Icon award. It would be a stretch at any time, but straight after a prize for an album fizzling with ideas which David Bowie recorded while he was dying, it's a hollow joke.<br />
<br />
9.47<br />
Look at him, sauntering along the catwalk with a smug grin, like British Music's own Nigel Farage.<br />
<br />
9.49<br />
"It's nearly over, you can nearly go home" says Williams, although the smarter attendees will already be halfway down the North Greenwich Station stairs by now.<br />
<br />
"I love my life - I am powerful; I am beautiful; I am free" honks Williams. Half expecting him to end with "dial this number and ask me how".<br />
<br />
Robbie Williams' last single peaked at 22. That's not really icon-esque.<br />
<br />
His performance fizzles out and, oddly - for the first time in living memory - the Brits has under-run. So they're playing Shout Out To My Ex for the 16,223rd time this evening.<br />
<br />
9.54<br />
The standout moment, I think, was Duncan Jones tribute to his dad. The Wham bit was heartfelt, and a bit rough around the edges, and it's not often you see something so genuine at the Brits.<br />
<br />
The lowlights are too numerous to revisit, but a double dose of Chris Martin stands out as inexplicably cruel.<br />
<br />
But the worst thing is the shoddy treatment of the International Women prize. I know giving an award to Beyonce just throws shade over many of the other prize winners - like a glass of brandy surrounded by a table of shandies - but couldn't they at least have made a little more of it?<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading. Back for Eurovision, if not before.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-45092943181041943432017-02-19T14:54:00.000+00:002017-02-19T14:54:15.394+00:00Bono praises Pence and presumably not for a betNo Rock And Roll Fun isn't - you might have noticed - as busy as it has been traditionally, mainly because who the hell has the energy to write about an ecosystem that has somehow evolved Rag N Bone Man and everyone takes him seriously?<br />
<br />
But the blog remains open, and from time to time I'll be posting here when there's something that warrants it. And something that warrants it is... well, this:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Enjoyed chatting w/ Bono at <a href="https://twitter.com/MunSecConf">@MunSecConf</a>. Discussed prior effort to twice pass Africa AIDS assistance & future security in developing nations <a href="https://t.co/LJcvF4mXid">pic.twitter.com/LJcvF4mXid</a></p>— Vice President Pence (@VP) <a href="https://twitter.com/VP/status/833030481771794434">February 18, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
Yes, that's long-time friend of the unpleasant Bono shaking warmly the hand of Mike Pence, enabler-in-chief to Donald Trump. This was during a meeting yesterday in Munich.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/320241-mike-pence-meets-with-bono">Bono also took the chance to praise Pence</a>. He lauded Pence for "hitting the ground running", which is a bit like applauding bird flu for being especially virulent. Then tried to find a reason for touching the man that would play well to the liberal audience Bono believes still values him:<br />
<blockquote>According to a pool report, the two men shared an exchange about the 2003 passage of the President's Emergency Plan For AIDS Relief and its 2008 renewal, which Pence advocated for as an Indiana congressman. <br />
<br />
"Twice on the House floor you defended that. That’s how we know you," Bono, who has been a vocal proponent of the fight against AIDS, told Pence.<br />
<br />
"And we really appreciate it," he added.</blockquote>It's true, Pence DID support the Emergency Plan back in 2008. However, this was the same Pence who - in 2000 - tried to derail the Ryan White Care Act:<br />
<blockquote>“Congress should support the reauthorization of the Ryan White Care Act only after completion of an audit to ensure that federal dollars were no longer being given to organizations that celebrate and encourage the types of behaviors that facilitate the spreading of the HIV virus,” read an LGBT section of Pence’s website, called Strengthening the American Family.</blockquote>So had he changed his mind since then, and is he helping the fight against AIDS?<br />
<br />
Well, no. He's making it worse, and singlehandedly helped create an HIV crisis in Indiana:<br />
<blockquote>Pence first laid the groundwork for Indiana’s HIV outbreak as a congressman back in 2011, when the House passed his amendment to defund Planned Parenthood. Then in 2013, Pence’s first year as governor of Indiana, Scott County’s one Planned Parenthood closed in the wake of public health spending cuts. Since that particular Planned Parenthood was also the county’s only HIV testing center, there was no longer a place for the county’s 24,000 residents to get tested.<br />
<br />
Nearly 20 percent of Scott County residents live below the poverty line. Injection drug use there is a major problem, increasing the risk of HIV outbreak.<br />
<br />
Fast-forward to 2015. Local health officials began to report HIV cases linked to intravenous prescription opioid use in Scott County. Scott County residents were sharing needles to inject their opioids, and nobody was getting tested. <br />
<br />
The situation quickly spiraled out of control. At the height of the outbreak, 20 new cases of HIV were being diagnosed each week, reaching a total of nearly 200 cases by the time the outbreak was finally under control.</blockquote>Maybe if Bono had a spine, or perhaps didn't need to be loved so much, he might have mentioned this.<br />
<br />
Maybe if Bono had a spine, he'd have drawn the link between the defunding of sexual health providers in Indiana, and the Trump-Pence White House's first executive order. That's the one which pulls funding from any organisation working overseas which mentions abortions as an option.<br />
<br />
The executive order was restoring an older, Bush-era rule. And <a href="http://edition.cnn.com/2017/01/23/opinions/global-gag-rule-backlash-garrett/">how did that work out</a>?<br />
<blockquote>Implementation of the global gag rule went well beyond abortion to effectively limit all discussions of family planning, including condom use to prevent HIV infection and multiyear spacing of pregnancies to avoid maternal deaths. Organizations as diverse as the World Health Organization, the United Nations Population Fund and Family Health International lost millions of dollars in support from the US government during the years the gag rule was enforced.</blockquote>Bono - who is such a useful idiot he's more the Swiss Army Knife of Idiots - is shaking the hand of a man who has created an HIV crisis in his home state, and is part of a White House that's making rules that will stop condom use and education overseas, and praising him as a great warrior in the fight against HIV.<br />
<br />
After this meeting, Bono moved on to take a selfie with Famine, noting that the famous Horseman had really "cut through and found a way to persuade people to eat up their leftovers."<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-86008600309983078762017-01-09T08:34:00.000+00:002017-01-09T08:34:19.342+00:00Hammer won't fall: Team Rock savedBefore Christmas, it looked like Metal Hammer and stablemates Classic Rock and Prog had published their last.<br />
<br />
Good news for the new year, though, because <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/media/2017/jan/08/heir-guitars-rock-and-metal-music-publisher-teamrock-saved">Future Publishing</a>, the previous owners of the titles, has stepped in to acquire Team Rock, the magazines and the websites:<br />
<blockquote>“The acquisition of these classic rock brands with their associated magazines, events and websites marks a further step in our buy and build strategy,” said Zillah Byng-Thorne, chief executive of Future.<br />
<br />
“It further reinforces our creation of a leading global specialist media platform with data at its heart, which we are monetising through diversified revenue streams. We look forward to developing further these iconic and much-loved brands and to continuing to serve their communities of dedicated enthusiasts around the world.”</blockquote>Future has scooped the lot - including a radio licence - for just £800,000. Back in 2013, Future had sold just the magazines for £10.2million.<br />
<br />
So, not perhaps a totally happy ending, as the business clearly isn't in a great shape - but there's hope, and in 2017, we need all the hope we can get.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com42tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-25893954201839903322017-01-05T16:46:00.001+00:002017-01-05T16:46:25.641+00:00Boy George giggles his way through biphobiaWhen it comes to attitudes to bi people, some gay people can be the worst.<br />
<br />
Boy George has performed a public service by reminding us of this.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8BvxasCCjt7vSFwtpZXt37CZh_s-SIdh3dbDzjlcXUzfpMwsnZUuGTsi_iY8OoUraoEOOQxgsBaCSEIFwnnZHSZrWmAB2Lls1dsdH3RL8fThyU61waOKH_owrRVPCqR-xNxN5/s1600/C1LCS2RW8AAqYYg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8BvxasCCjt7vSFwtpZXt37CZh_s-SIdh3dbDzjlcXUzfpMwsnZUuGTsi_iY8OoUraoEOOQxgsBaCSEIFwnnZHSZrWmAB2Lls1dsdH3RL8fThyU61waOKH_owrRVPCqR-xNxN5/s320/C1LCS2RW8AAqYYg.jpg" width="320" height="265" /></a></div>That tweet - that saying "I'm bisexual" is a lie - is bad enough.<br />
<br />
The way George has dealt with being called on this is worse.<br />
<br />
He's fallen back on a "how can I be biphobic when I'm so fabulous defence" and to chunter on about "steaming white rice" when anyone tries to call him on it.<br />
<br />
Anyone who nods along with George, though, gets a thumbs up:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">My point completely but that doesn't mean some people are not genuinely bi. <a href="https://t.co/h3zFRzltwA">https://t.co/h3zFRzltwA</a></p>— Boy George (@BoyGeorge) <a href="https://twitter.com/BoyGeorge/status/815959878074179584">January 2, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
Oh, gee, thanks, Mr Boy, for allowing that some people might not be lying about being bi - although perhaps even that is undermined by doing it while agreeing with this:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr"><a href="https://twitter.com/BoyGeorge">@BoyGeorge</a> I agree, in my experience people use bi when they aren't ready to fully come out.</p>— Jonny (@tinwhiteduke) <a href="https://twitter.com/tinwhiteduke/status/815954371313811458">January 2, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
This, it seems, was "George's point" all along. Some people might identify as bi as their sexual identity pulses through towards something else; but the reverse can be true - back in the 80s, the lack of bi role models and dismissiveness of bisexuality made it easier to identify as gay as a halfway house to being able to identify as bi. I know this from experience, not as a theory.<br />
<br />
I understand that George thought he was making a joke; I also think when George insists he doesn't believe he's biphobic that he's probably genuine. Like a lot of gay people, he thinks that simply allowing bi people on his bus is enough.<br />
<br />
But it's not. If you're first thought when someone tells you they're bi is that they're only half-baked, a person whose souffle has yet to rise, you've got a problem.<br />
<br />
We wouldn't let someone telling gay-attacking jokes get away by calling "bantz." We shouldn't let Boy George off with the same defence, no matter how much glitter he throws behind it.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-69666521647882902612017-01-05T16:10:00.002+00:002017-01-05T16:10:51.997+00:00They're Justified, and they're ModernNew news of Mu Mu, according to posters <a href="http://thequietus.com/articles/21514-klf-jamms-to-return-slam-film">all around London</a>:<br />
<blockquote>2017: What The Fuck Is Going On?<br />
<br />
It is almost 23 years since the Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu announced a self imposed and self important 23 year moratorium. The reasons for the moratorium have now been lost in time, space, and a rusting shipping container somewhere near Sizewell B Nuclear Power Station.<br />
<br />
What is known is:<br />
<br />
The Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu have zero involvement with any video clips, films, recorded music, documentary productions, biographies, West End musicals or social media chatter relating to the letters K L or F, now or at any other time over the previous 23 years.<br />
<br />
Furthermore:<br />
<br />
The Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu have no interest in anything that seeks to comment on, bounce off, glorify, debunk or resurrect their historical work.<br />
<br />
The Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu are currently at work in their light industrial unit. This work will not be made public until the 23rd August 2017.<br />
<br />
For more information contact the K2 Plant Hire Ltd.</blockquote>"self-imposed and self-important". Nice touch.<br />
<br />
Welcome back. I'm sure there's lawyers on standby in record labels around the nation.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-10451046005350672832017-01-03T14:42:00.003+00:002017-01-03T14:42:45.087+00:00Twittergem: SpectorSpector released a single last year called Born In The EU. <br />
<br />
Go on, admit it, you hadn't thought about Spector for a long time, had you?<br />
<br />
Funnily enough, they've just had a minor role to play in politics in 2017 already. Or at least political journalism:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Can anyone confirm that <a href="https://twitter.com/nickmacpherson2">@nickmacpherson2</a> definitely is former <a href="https://twitter.com/hmtreasury">@hmtreasury</a> head? <a href="https://twitter.com/ChrisGiles_">@ChrisGiles_</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/StewartWood">@StewartWood</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/faisalislam">@faisalislam</a></p>— AndrewSparrow (@AndrewSparrow) <a href="https://twitter.com/AndrewSparrow/status/816290646000594944">January 3, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr"><a href="https://twitter.com/AndrewSparrow">@AndrewSparrow</a> I'm pretty certain it's him, came across account cos he's followed by son Fred Macpherson who's the singer in Spector.</p>— Jim Waterson (@jimwaterson) <a href="https://twitter.com/jimwaterson/status/816292115730857984">January 3, 2017</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-15399407494174026392016-12-23T15:17:00.000+00:002016-12-23T15:17:09.445+00:00Won't somebody think of the Nickelback?At this time of year, it's good that someone is prepared to make a stand for a cause that they believe in. Even if that person is Avril Lavigne, and the cause is fucking awful.<br />
<br />
A few days ago, Mark Zuckerburg - The Riddler of the Information Age - made a funny video in which, in part, he made a joke at the expense of Nickelback. Avril Lavigne wasn't having that:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Dear <a href="https://twitter.com/facebook">@facebook</a>, <a href="https://t.co/1SCjWVV9TK">pic.twitter.com/1SCjWVV9TK</a></p>— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) <a href="https://twitter.com/AvrilLavigne/status/812087071225606144">December 23, 2016</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><br />
The first paragraph isn't even coherent, and I suspect a whole sentence got forgotten to try and link 'people not liking Facebook' with 'Zuckerberg not liking Nickelback'.<br />
<br />
At the other end of the notelet, why is Lavigne putting hashtags into something she's going to share as a screenshot?<br />
<br />
In the middle... in the middle, that's where it's really rough. If 'selling lots of records' makes someone worthwhile or significant, based on the wheezy figures achieved globally by Avril Lavigne's most recent album, Lavigne has effectively been invisible since about 2011. Selling lots of a thing doesn't mean you're doing anything worthwhile; not selling lots of a thing doesn't make you worthless.<br />
<br />
But if that crude dollar-equivalent basis of cultural value is the one Lavigne's going for, then Zuckerberg - having persuaded millions upon millions to seal their online experience inside his unlovely scroll-jail - would be in a position to pass judgement on nearly every artist or musician in known history.<br />
<br />
Let's set that aside, though, and just focus on the core claim that Lavigne is making - that criticism of a musician is akin to bullying.<br />
<br />
The joke was Zuckerberg asked his AI to play a good Nickelback song; the AI replied that there were no good Nickelback songs.<br />
<br />
Lavigne has done a lot of really good work to promote anti-bullying charities online, and it's sweet that she's defending her ex-husband in this way. But it undermines real victims of bullying to try and conflate a weak gag about a band's music with bullying. Music is immensely personal and music fans are incredibly tribal and - clearly - it's not unknown for that to boil over into actual bullying. But Zuckerberg's joke is no more than the equivalent of giving an album one star in a review and, really, if you don't want to be told that some people don't like what you make, you probably are in the wrong business.<br />
<br />
My Mum used to say 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all', but she never let that stop her having a go at Cliff Richard whenever he appeared on the radio.<br />
<br />
Presumably the royalty cheques help soothe the pain a little, but what really should count isn't the people who don't like Nickelback, but the people who do. If you're making something that you care about and want to make a connection, you'll understand that sometimes it's a passionate connection, and sometimes it's going to be a firm rejection. That's the whole point of artistry.<br />
<br />
Unless of course you don't really care about your music and just value the number of units shifted. <div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-22429161104444531422016-12-20T14:31:00.002+00:002016-12-20T14:31:51.265+00:00Folding magazines: Classic Rock & Metal HammerThis would be grim news at any time, but just before Christmas amplifies the grimness: Team Rock have <a href="http://teamrock.com/news/2016-12-20/administrators-appointed-teamrock-limited-19-december-2016">Team Rock, who publish Classic Rock and Metal Hammer magazines, have called in the administrators</a>:<br />
<blockquote>Thomas Campbell MacLennan, Alexander Iain Fraser and Jason Daniel Baker of FRP Advisory LLP were appointed as Joint Administrators of Team Rock Limited (“the Company”) on 19 December 2016.<br />
<br />
The affairs, business and property of the Company are being managed by the Joint Administrators, who act as agents of the Company and without personal liability.<br />
<br />
The Company is being managed on a care and maintenance basis only whilst a buyer for the assets is sought. Accordingly, the TeamRock website will be unavailable for the foreseeable future.<br />
<br />
The administrators are assessing the position regarding publication of magazines. If you are a subscriber to the Company’s publications the administrators can be contacted via email at teamrock.subscribers@frpadvisory.com.</blockquote>27 people in Scotland and 46 in London have lost their jobs. According to the <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-38370464">BBC report</a>, Team Rock had been losing money for quite a while; they're hopeful the brands will find a buyer - and so hopefully some of those staff will be rehired.<br />
<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
--<br />
<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-47102177297333224872016-12-17T11:08:00.000+00:002016-12-17T11:08:16.783+00:00Marie Nixon takes on NextNext have decided they could flog young girls tshirts based on their interest in music.<br />
<br />
Next didn't make a great choice, though. They came up with this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuQHZ1rdj6J-Ckh4nVy3rYUH-SBb8BM9SwjseV2fhZBg2W_bpnUyvGxuiFi-88agSFv_wTZR-hgKodmV7UyPjHwY6AO57-375Rh2lRj23-F-4FWNvHQf8ZNi1pXikMBTBPT6rI/s1600/next-tee-shirt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuQHZ1rdj6J-Ckh4nVy3rYUH-SBb8BM9SwjseV2fhZBg2W_bpnUyvGxuiFi-88agSFv_wTZR-hgKodmV7UyPjHwY6AO57-375Rh2lRj23-F-4FWNvHQf8ZNi1pXikMBTBPT6rI/s320/next-tee-shirt.jpg" width="280" height="320" /></a></div>Yep. Rather than 'bassist' or 'singer' or even 'drummer', they went with 'groupie'.<br />
<br />
Marie Nixon has been talking to <a href="http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/next-faces-backlash-shoppers-kenickie-12334871#ICID=ios_ChronicleNewsApp_AppShare_Click_Twitter">the Newcastle Chronicle about how awful this is</a>:<br />
<blockquote>“It made me absolutely furious, it is a T-shirt little girls aged three to 16 and by the time I was 15 I was in a band.<br />
<br />
“Emma reminded me that when we often used to turn up to gigs guys used to say ‘are you with the band’, it used to really annoy us that girls often get treated like accessories and that people can’t see them in fact as the creative ones.<br />
<br />
“Some people might say it is just a T-shirt but it is an important issue, there is a drip drip drip of negativity that undermines a woman’s self belief.”<br />
<br />
Marie also pointed out that ‘I’m with the band’ is the title of a famous 2005 novel by Pamela Des Barres - a former rock ‘n’ roll groupie.<br />
<br />
She added: “The term Next have used on the T-shirt is synonymous with groupiesism which is arguably a culture of sexual explotation.<br />
<br />
“I know there has been some suggestion that the phrase could mean they are managing the band or are producing the band but when I managed bands that would never be a phrase used by me or about me so I don’t accept that.”</blockquote>Yep, there has been a weak attempt at 'perhaps the phrase means the person is part of the structure of support underpinning the band from a business point of view'. Because band accountants would definitely wear a glitter 'with the band' tshirt.<br />
<br />
I can't think of a single manager I've ever met who would wear describe themselves as being "with the band". Quite a few might say "the band's with me", but not the other way round.<br />
<br />
Next's response is a shrug:<br />
<blockquote>A series of tweets sent from the company’s official account read: “The T-shirt will remain on sale as there are only a few weeks left till the end of the season.<br />
<br />
“But we will take on board your comments for future designs.”<br />
<br />
A spokesman added: “It certainly wasn’t our intention to produce something that might be perceived as sexist, so we apologise for any offence caused.”</blockquote>Good to know that Next don't have a whiteboard with the words 'sexist tees' written at the top, I suppose.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
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<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-64806154946409830452016-12-16T18:26:00.001+00:002016-12-16T18:26:37.918+00:00Chairlift will leave us danglingChairlift doing their bit to make Christmas a little less jolly:<br />
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/qu699dItfE">pic.twitter.com/qu699dItfE</a></p>— CHAIRLIFT (@Chairlifted) <a href="https://twitter.com/Chairlifted/status/809820395431985152">December 16, 2016</a></blockquote><script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script><div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
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<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-31567382543749108192016-12-05T18:59:00.000+00:002016-12-05T18:59:16.911+00:00Unfolding magazines: Paste is coming backIt's six years since Paste abandoned its print edition and became web-only.<br />
<br />
Next year, though, <a href="https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/paste-quarterly-movies-music#/">crowdfunding permitting</a>, it's coming back as a physical product:<br />
<blockquote>With its large 12"-by-12"-inch format, thick paper and rich colors, it'll be unlike any magazine you've seen. We're sparing no expense from production quality to all the best writers, photographers and illustrators. We're bringing back the Paste Sampler, but this time it's a 150-gram colored vinyl album with exclusive tracks recorded at the Paste Studio in New York. We'll be working with our original designer, Jose Reyes, and his award-winning design team Metaleap Creative. And we're eschewing traditional distribution to deliver it directly to you. </blockquote>(To be fair, a 12x12 magazine with a vinyl record isn't quite like 'any magazine you've seen', as there was that one in the 80s which was exactly like that - was it Debut?)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
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<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-1799065952636274492016-11-30T09:06:00.002+00:002016-11-30T09:06:32.612+00:00Beverley Martyn's having a tough timeA couple of years back, things were going quite well for Beverley Martyn - <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/music/2014/apr/17/beverley-martyn-singer-new-album-interview">The Guardian caught up with her</a> and celebrating her survival after the turbulence of her life with John Martyn, and excesses you might not always associate with the folk music scene:<br />
<blockquote>Though she was shocked and distressed at the time, following John's death from pneumonia in January 2009 she felt "things opened up for me again. Something changed."<br />
<br />
The Phoenix and the Turtle, recorded with former members of Los Lobos and Counting Crows, is an affirming testament to her survival instinct. "It's been the best thing for a long time," she says. "It's good to work, it's a great way of escaping your everyday troubles. I'm enjoying this time of my life. I just turned 67, I'm still here, and I think I know who I am now." She taps the album on the table between us. "This is what I do."</blockquote>It's not clear what's happened since then, but it doesn't look like the last couple of years have been kind to her.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/JessicaJessicaJess/posts/10154643647999564">One of her friends has shared this message on Facebook</a>:<br />
<blockquote>Dear friends of Beverley Martyn. In case you were worried about what's going on with her, she has been Sectioned for 6 months and is currently in Millview hospital in Hove. Her physical health is being neglected and is worsening. Any help with arranging access to better care would be much appreciated. Happy to pass on your messages to her and do my best to arrange contact. Thank you. "Love and Peace. Bev"<br />
<br />
#beverleymartyn #johnmartyn #nickdrake<br />
<br />
Please retweet, reblog etc. She wants her friends to know what's going on. I don't know who her friends are so spreading this as far and wide as possible is essential.</blockquote>If you can help, or just want to send a message of support, Beverley's friend Jessica can be contacted via that <a href="https://www.facebook.com/JessicaJessicaJess/posts/10154643647999564">Facebook link</a>.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
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<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1930103.post-77252216885933265662016-11-30T08:26:00.000+00:002016-11-30T08:26:02.275+00:00Kate Bush: the darling's bad; for MayKate Bush doesn't give a lot of interviews. After the last twenty-four hours, she might figure she'll do rather fewer in future.<br />
<br />
As part of a wide-ranging discussion with <a href="http://www.macleans.ca/culture/arts/in-conversation-with-kate-bush/">Elio Iannacci for Macleans Magazine, the conversation turned to politics</a> - and, in particular, Hillary Clinton's inability to seize the White House. It was here that Kate uttered the words which curdled many a morning yoghurt:<br />
<blockquote>We have a female prime minister here in the UK. I actually really like her and think she’s wonderful. I think it’s the best thing that’s happened to us in a long time. She’s a very intelligent woman but I don’t see much to fear. I will say it is great to have a woman in charge of the country. She’s very sensible and I think that’s a good thing at this point in time.</blockquote>Now, Kate Bush talking warmly about a Tory prime minister might be disappointing, but surely at a time when we've got actual fascists about to take office space in the White House, the small mercy that she wasn't bellowing "Brexit now" and bigging up the Farage must count for something.<br />
<br />
More importantly, if you're going to quote the reply, you should probably look at the question, too:<br />
<blockquote>A track called “Waking the Witch”—which was released in 1985—was performed for Before The Dawn. You once said that the song was about “the fear of women’s power.” With regards to Hillary Clinton’s recent defeat, do you think that this fear is stronger than ever?</blockquote>So when Kate was talking about not having any reason to fear, she wasn't saying from May's policies, but fear of the idea of a woman leading a nation. Her comment was about temperament and gender, not policy and manifesto.<br />
<br />
That's still disappointing - she seems to have confused May's caught in the headlights paralysis for a softly, softly caution - but reading Twitter over the last 24 hours you might have thought that Bush had been found negotiating the sale of NHS hospitals direct to Richard Branson.<br />
<br />
And it's possible that Kate Bush does wholeheartedly embrace the Tory government, from the strange smell leaking out of Jeremy Hunt, through the slithering of Boris Johnson, to the chums of Liam Fox. And, let's face it, she's comfortably off and clearly had a lot of piano lessons as a small child, neither of which are signifiers of dyed-in-the-wool socialism.<br />
<br />
But this interview doesn't really give much evidence one way or the other.<br />
<br />
The really problematic bit of the interview was this exchange:<br />
<blockquote>Q: Stephen Hawking recently said the Earth only has 1,000 years left. As someone who has written about environmental issues, does that alarm you?<br />
<br />
A: Well, nobody really knows, do they? They told Stephen Hawking he only had a year left to live and how many years ago was that? You can’t know it all. If ever there’s been somebody to hold as an icon of sheer determination and willpower, it’s that guy, let alone any of the things he’s done scientifically. I’m sure that’s his driving force, but he’s a miracle and an aspiration.</blockquote>For "someone who has written about environmental issues", giving an answer which ignores the environment and instead focuses on how Stephen Hawking didn't accept a diagnosis is heartbreaking. It seems to be implying that all we need to do abotu climate change is pop over to the burning fires of Siberia, stick up a couple of motivational posters, tell the planet to believe in itself and everything will be fine.<br />
<br />
In all the coverage of Bush's interview yesterday, <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-38144908">BBC News came up with the oddest angle</a>:<br />
<blockquote>Bush previously wrote a song for a sketch on a 1990 episode of TV series The Comic Strip, about the former Labour Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone.<br />
<br />
The lyrics included: "Look to the left and to the right. We need help and there's nobody in sight. Where is the man that we all need? Well tell him he's to come and rescue me. Ken is the man that we all need. Ken is the leader of the GLC."<br />
The track also describes Livingstone as "a sex machine".</blockquote>This isn't wrong, but it doesn't really make much sense in the context of something she actually said about a politician - the Ken song was a soundtrack to an imaginary Hollywood movie about the GLC and part of that framing. If you really wanted to make something relevant out of it, you might have mentioned how both the movie and the satire gleefully cast Thatcher as the villain of the piece, and the gender politics around the last female Prime Minister. But I suppose 'has she written a song about a politician' was the only box they were looking to tick.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><br />
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<a href="http://xrrf.blogspot.com">Visit No Rock & Roll Fun to comment, complain and kvetch</a></div>Simon Hayes Budgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07084524317888577404noreply@blogger.com3