HEADLINES WHICH ARE MUCH, MUCH BETTER THAN THE STORY THEY HOVER ABOVE: A short series:
Dixie Chicks Rev Up Gaylord

IT WASN'T ME: There's a curious little tale here, about Steve Wariner, a country singer, and an 'overzealous fan', supposedly responsible for sending an MP3 and a badly worded press release to a radio station to try and help his hero. "He had no idea of music business protocol" wailed the singer's real publicist, presumably worried that it looked really bad to send a record to a US radio station without first buying reams of spurious research from that station. It's not clear whether the 'overzealous fan' was also responsible for the appearance of Steve's bio and photo on an internet dating site - maybe he's got no idea about dating protocol either?

A MIGHTY LONG WAY DOWN ROCK AND ROLL: The Waltham Forest Guardian is proud to report the triumphant return of its local heroes, East 17. They've booked a headlining tour of Butlins'. Co-headlining, actually, as they'll have to share the stage with bingo, won't they?

SLIGHTLY PUFFED-UP PEOPLE IN ROCK: Third wheel 'announces resignation from' band that hasn't been active since before Napster opened ("Pras quits Fugees")

CAN YOU TAKE A HINT, MOBY: Moby confused over release schedule of next single - due in June, not out yet. Hmmmmm. I wonder what that could possibly mean, Moby?

OLD MEN ILL: Mick Jagger falls sick, cancels live date; Lynyrd Skinner tour put on hold because Gary Rossington needs some rest after heart surgery. Would editors of all newspapers please remember this the next time they feel the need to fill space with "They're getting on, but they can still rock like young 'uns round the clock" articles?

WE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN IT A NAME WITHOUT 'WEEKEND' IN IT, REALLY: More 'best opening lines ever:'

Adam Bonin - known to you (and me) as the force behind throwingthings blog (and if you haven't read his comparison of the lives of Jesus and Suge Knight, make time to do so now) offers these hefty openers:

From Prince's "When Doves Cry" -- "Dig, if you will, the picture/Of you and I engaged in a kiss" The "if you will" aside is just priceless. Or "I was dreaming when I wrote this/Forgive me if it goes astray" from "1999", another nice little narrative twist.

Bruce Springsteen, "Atlantic City" -- "Well they blew up the chicken man in Philly last night". Who's the chicken man? Why'd they blow up his house too? And who are they, anyway?

We do agree wholeheartedly about the Prince ones - 'You walked in/ I woke up' is a really great little couplet, too, let's not forget; the 'if you will' is, as Adam suggests, a totally under-rated construction in pop. Maybe if Barry Norman had been persuaded to make a few records we'd have seen it take its place right up there. Not too sure about Bruce, though... it sounds like he's trying just a little bit too hard to us. Although we are curious as to who the chicken man is - maybe it's Danny Kelly, who did do a fine Foghorn Leghorn impression as we recall.

The standard has been set high - can you match up? xrrf-lines@bothsidesnow.co.uk.

BLU INTO VIEW: Simon Tyers writes, further to yesterday's chart update:

You've kind of glossed over it, but what about Blu'n'Sean at number one?

After a week when usually very wrong Telegraph correspondent Neil McCormack and Radio 1's playlist clerk had a blazing row on 5 Live about the support the station gives to British acts - McCormack claimed that of 20 records on that week's A list 17 were American, when it was in fact 9 from 19, and if you add the B list it was still only 13 from 40 - the new number one by some distance is a record they didn't give a sniff to, even more unlikely when you consider Cantrell's one other hit was all over the station at the time and Sean Paul is a guaranteed A-lister. Additionally it's not been ripping commercial radio playlists or TV shows apart and I couldn't hum it to you yet this has beaten the unforgettable Lumidee - which shares a rhythm track with Wayne Wonder and the last Sean Paul single, of course. Frankly, answers on a postcard.

The whole 'Radio One is anti-British' thing was something we never really quite got round to mentioning - mainly because it seemed to be an extra stick being used to batter the BBC until something better (Sara Cox's figures) came along. We'd assumed that B&S had been picking up support from commercial radio, which we don't often get to hear - apart from when the office puts Virgin on. Could this be a genuine hit made in the clubs?

STROKES STOKED: Ooh, the moment where we decide if they're decadent treats or disappointing twats is looming, as The Strokes prepare their second coming (or maybe their 'Second Coming'). They've been telling Rolling Stone that it's a mellower beast, with overtones of Michael Jackson (by which they mean the drums on one track sounds like the Billie Jean rhtyhm, not that there's a lot of dashing about trying to head off lawsuits). And the neighbours complained about the noise while they were making it, which we take to be a good sign.

THE HOARY YAWNFLAKE (dyswwdt?): Taking advice from Three Counties Radio's third-biggest star might not be one of major priorities of Andi Peter's TOTP review, but just in case - and because these things drop off the page eventually, we'll fillet this from Media Monkey:

"Speaking on Christian O'Connell's Xfm breakfast show ex-BBC Radio 1 DJ Dave Lee Travis had some sage advice for Andi Peters as he takes over the helm at Top of the Pops: 'Remember, it's rock and roll, mate'. The hairy cornflake said: '[TOTP] has been over for the last eight or nine years...in those days it was fun. Radio and TV has to be fun and nowadays people take it all too seriously. It's not brain surgery, it's rock and roll mate...we had Legs and Co in our day, but now every female has to have her stomach showing and their arses hanging out and it devalues it, you need a little bit of this and a little bit of that.' Ah get off the fence would ya, DLT."

YOU SHOULD BE OVER THIS BY NOW: Hey, Nicholas Gully punched me in the belly when we were ten, but you know what? I've let that go. So why is Eminem still brooding over the school bully? And why is the school bully brooding over young Marshall? I'm sure this has something to do with the American habit of High School Reunions, whereby you drag yourself back to spend an evening making small talk with people who tried to set fire to your locker with you inside it like you liked them to begin with, and/or impress people who, if you had any sense, you wouldn't have ever seen again after leaving school anyway. I'm sure some Americans will be quick to point out that the British have our own problems (often nanny-related) but it's not like we throw parties in their honours. Anyway... the bully is trying to sue Eminem - most amusingly because he thinks being named on 'Brain Damage' has ruined his chances of launching his own music career. Eminem has now run to hide behind the dinner lady of the court, calling for the case to be dismissed. This happened in sixth grade.

SHE'S COME BACK: It's been way, way too long since we last had a review from Becky Bamboo. But she's back, clutching a review of the Lookout Records SF do:

Last week I went to the final night of the Lookout! Records (former label of Green Day and The Donnas) 15th Anniversary celebration at the Great American Music Hall. They handed out bags of goodies - some cds and singles they'd grabbed at random from the stock, and posters. My bag had a couple of split singles, a full length album by a band whose name I can't remember right now, and a double cd Lookout! compilation from, like, 1996. I listened to all of them on the way to Lake Tahoe and it's pretty cool stuff. I love getting free shit.

Anyway. I got there near the end of local band Communique's set. 2 songs was enough to convince me to get their EP and I'm glad I did because it has some great songs. They're less punk than a lot of the other bands on Lookout! and have some really pretty songs. I'll definitely go see them again.

Next up was The Oranges Band, who I knew I'd seen before because I recognized the name but I couldn't remember anything about them. As they started playing, I could see why they hadn't stuck in my mind. They were just okay, but I did like them more this time. There were even 3 or 4 songs that made me consider buying their album. They did better on the faster, more upbeat powerpop/punk songs than on the slower, wannabe arty stuff. Those songs just ended up droning on and on and got boring. Keep it snappy, boys.

All thoughts of Communique and The Oranges Band were banished though as soon as The Pattern started playing. Man, these guys put on a hell of a show. From the first note they blew everybody's hair back. Loud, fast, funny... wow. During one song the singer threw his mic stand down and hopped up on the drum riser, holding the mic, with his back to the audience. He stepped down backwards, tripped over the mic stand and fell forward onto the monitors and then into the crowd (who caught him before he hit the floor too hard) and NEVER MISSED A FUCKING NOTE. Seriously. He was so proud of himself, too. After the song ended he said, "I don't know how many of you know that song but I didn't miss a line!" He was a hoot onstage, pulling all these pouty, sexy poses and dancing around with overtly sexual hip thrusts and smouldering glances at the crowd. They put on a great show, all energy and sex and noise and sweat. Loved them.

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists closed out the night. They had quite an act to follow and pulled out all the stops to keep the audience jumping and dancing around. They were fast and fun with great songs, about half of which were off their excellent album, _Hearts of Oak_, released earlier this year. The standout song for me was "Where Have All the Rude Boys Gone" which Ted dedicated to Lookout! Records. What a great fucking night. All shows should be this good.

ROLL OVER, SIR TREVOR: We don't want to prejudge her (and Hayley's coming home tonight so we won't actually be watching it when it goes out), but Liz from Atomic Kitten as an investigative reporter? They're really taking the piss, aren't they? You can see the logic behind it: "Hey, how are we going to get kids to watch a current affairs show? How about we put one of Atomic Kitten in there?"

Next week: Jennifer Ellison examines how the resurgent right-wing have hijacked the Euro entry debate as a way of legitimising their politics of hate. In a bikini top and cut-off shorts.

HOW DESPERATE IS HE?: We can see the thinking behind Elton John's commercial activities - why bother pumping thousands into making videos which would only be shunned by MTV and Flaunt anyway when you can sign up to do an advert? They pay you, you're a star of such stature you can insist they use the new single, and instead of being lodged in the mire of some godforsaken digital channel, you get your new single in front of people at the break during Corrie. It makes a sense, of a certain type.

On the other hand, doing first The Post Office and then bloody Sky Sports suggests there is a flaw in this plan: viz. he's associating himself with some really duff brands. And in the current Sky new Football season advert, he also looks rubbish - in a cheap, baggy trackie, like he's nipping up to the Moby for a packet of Rizlas and a Picnic bar. Did they not have a mirror in the dressing room, Elton?

DEAD-IN-THE-WATER HEADLINES OF OUR TIME: An occasional series: Roxy Music guitarist hails Latin music

YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE: We've always thought of Robbie Williams as a weak balladeer. But it turns out that he's also got a weak bladder, too. Currently on Ebay, you can bid on his motorised toilet, a prop from his '99 tour. At time of writing, the toilet has failed to attract a single bid in ten days, which we're adding to our evidence for the propostion that Robbie Williams exists solely because everyone thinks that somebody else likes him, not because anyone actually actively likes him themselves. [Via metafilter]

EMI X-PLC: Interesting moves to take EMI off the stock exchange and back into private ownership. It might not happen, but if it does: What would a major label that doesn't need to keep shareholders and the Stock Exchange happy be like?

THAT WOULD BE ABOUT IT'S MONEY: Limp Bizkit to play a gig for a quid in. We still think that you're being ripped off, mind.

BURGERS: Justin Timberlake to be the new face, if not belly, of McDonalds. Since his career appears to have a little countdown clock running on it now, we're hoping they'll have used up all the POS material before he's actually working there.

PARENT, HEAL THYSELF: The Britney-wannabe debate continues, with Louise Chunn ("fashion editor and parent") worrying about how kids dress these days: "It may not lead to any increase in the rate of paedophile attacks, but I would have thought that seeing swarms of 10-year-old Kylie lookalikes turning up to school could still get a heated reaction out of a sizeable chunk of the adult male population. They just look too damned sexy for comfort." No, no they don't. If you find ten year old girls sexually attractive, and you're not a ten year old boy, you'll find them sexy if they wear a sack or dress like Season One Willow. If you don't, like the vast majority of males over the age of eleven, a ten year old in a crop top isn't going to suddenly turn you into a raging paedo because, precisely, they don't look sexy - they look like little girls dressing up. Indeed, the words of sense in the Guardian piece come from a fifteen year old: Anna, 15: 'Girls do grow up a lot quicker these days, but I don't feel that we are being robbed of our innocence. Girls as young as 10 look really silly in skimpy and revealing clothes, and older teenagers than me think that it's really sad.'

HAS ANYONE HERE HEARD KELLY?: Virgin launch evening-session-alike hosted by the godawfully named DJ Kelly. Virgin admit she's a bit of a newcomer to radio - which isn't a bad thing - but according to her current employers, she's mainly, ahem, the travel girl. The plan is for the station to show that they're not all about Genesis and Yes, says a spokesperson, by, um, wedging anything halfway new into a slot when everyone's watching TV. That'll do it, then. Maybe they could change the image of their station in some more active ways, such as not playing Avril Lavigne's three hits and You Oughtta Know every fucking day. We'll wish Kelly luck, mind, since doing travel doesn't always mean that you've not got a clue.

HIDING BEHIND GRANDAD: The Canadians are apparently unimpressed with the official Sexiest Man In the World, pelting Justin Timberlake with rubbish when he played the Toronto 'we're not poisonous' Sars date. Awfully, he had to be coaxed back on stage during the Rolling Stones set when Keith insisted the audience show him some respect.

The sad thing is, although Justin seems lovely, and isn't altogether ugly, his music does lack something special. Or, indeed, anything special at all, really. He needs some songs.

CHARTYRUNDOWN: Although he'll be gnashing his teeth that 'Something Beautiful' only enters the single charts at number three, it's still his biggest hit since 2001. The question is: just how widely popular is Robbie Williams? Sure, he managed to fill out Knebworth three nights running, but there's sometimes a sneaking suspicion with these mega-gigs that they're held as much because it's easier to sell out three big ones than a proper tour of medium-sized arenas; it's certainly a lot more impressive to have everyone in one place. We've long held a feeling that his big selling albums are often gift-purchases (everyone likes Robbie; you can't go wrong with a Robbie CD, can you?) and while we wouldn't try to pretend he's unloved, the fact that he seems incapable of selling enough singles to get to number one - even with all the coverage he gets - suggests that he isn't as popular as he'd like us to think. We can but hope.

The number one honours fall to Blu Cantrell and Sean Paul with 'Breathe'; in at two it's Lumidee with 'Never Going To Leave You', which is a fair summing up of the way the song's hook gets caught in your cerebellum. Beddingfield drops from last weeks' one to number three; Kosheen enters at seven with 'All In My Head', one place above Craig David with 'Spanish'. Although not a stellar performance, this is the fourth track off the album (yeah, us too - he really has trouble with his profile, doesn't he?) and so not bad for a well-worn track. Lisa Maffia will be surprised at only entering at 13 ('In Love') after a launch week whirl of front covers and media; Funeral for a Friend ('Juneau', 19) fare much better, proportionally speaking - although it seems the audience for nu-rock is starting to contract back to the graveyard hardcore. Having managed to build sales stealthily for 'Move Your Feet', Junior Senior find themselves back to square one with the follow-up Rhythm Bandits (22). Without the aid of Zia's breasts or a mobile phone campaign, the Dandy Warhols struggle to scrape into the 40 ('You were the last high', 34) and Hot Hot Heat's 'No, Not Now' makes an MTV2-sized debut at 38. Prophetically, Kaci claims to be 'Not Anybody's Girl' and only enough people to get her to 55 disagree - we're surprised London is still persevering with her, to be honest. Curiously, the two-month old Girl In The Moon sneaks back for Darius at 68.

We're not sure who's going to be more surprised that The Coral have deposed Beyonce at the top of the album charts - the scousers or the diva. 'Magic and Medicine' is the only album of new material to join the top fifty this week - collections from Yes (10), Bob Marley (20, re-entry) and Killing Joke (43) being the other debutantes in a steady chart listing. His joint number one single helps Sean Paul crack the top ten at long last (Dutty Rock, 7; up from 19).

Of course, we suggested the behaviour of Kim Marsh's Standing Tall this week (after its number 9 entry last week) would provide a good indication of where her career is going to be heading. Plummeting down to 25 would seem to give a large hint.

Further down the chart, Blu Cantrell's Bittersweet enters at 64. Proving that controlling the two charts, Beyonce style, isn't as easy as you might think.

[Done originally for blogcritics.org]

FIRST LINES: More responses to the question: What's the best opening line, ever?
Karl writes: I feel so sure of our love, I'll write a song about us breaking up... (Man O'Sand To Girl O'Sea - The Go-Betweens)
I must have walked past this doorway thirty times just trying to catch your eye (A Million Miles - my obligatory Wedding Present choice!)
You shake, I sweat, it stings (Lollobrigida - Cinerama - just in case one Gedgeism wasn't enough)
She broke my heart, so I ate her liver (Liver - The Hitchers)

And Terry writes again: Can I have another one? "Fell into a sea of grass and disappeared above the shady blades" - It's the 'above' that I like, for some reason. (From Summertime Rolls by Jane's Addiction.)

Keep 'em coming: xrrf-lines@bothsidesnow.co.uk

THIS SHOULD DRIVE ANDY KERSHAW NUTS: It's a little known fact that Andy Kershaw collects versions of Louie Louie. He'll presumably pay top dollar for bootlegs from the Louie Louie marathon. If you fancy joining in the nine-hour Louieathon, you can sign up online.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR: "I want to die on stage" pleads Ricky Martin. He might want to clairfy that he doesn't mean right now.

BUNCHES OF ARSE: It's been a while since the UK tabloids have been so single-minded about their covers, but today, they all lead with but one thought (except the Express, who have paid half a million for last week's story, John Leslie being found not guilty of something, and are sticking with it, dammit) - or rather, one picture. Kylie Minogue has modelled some swimwear. Metro suggests that Kylie "seems determined to scotch rumours that the her latest relationship is on the rocks" (erm... yeah, fulfilling a lucrative contract really sends that message), while the Daily Sport helpfully crops a picture so you can see our arse cheeks hanging out of the costume without having to squint. Do Sport readers really have such bad eyesight? Maybe what they say about masturbation is true, then.

The good news about the complete coverage of Bikylies bikinis is that Williams is shunted away to down-page or further. The coverage of his weekend of concerts seems further confirmation that his days of being adored by the papers are well over. Some papers choose to report not that he played the supposedly biggest gigs ever, but that Mark Owen popped up on Sunday to sing a bit with him. Today's 3am Girls in the Mirror quote a fan saying "it was the best moment of the concert"; Mark managing to shunt Robbie out the headlines of his own gig. Meanwhile, Metro snorts that despite the size of the gigs, Williams couldn't manage a chart entry any better than three this week. The third night of the Knebworth gigs proved to be an even bigger organisational fuck-up than the first two - although shame on the Mirror for using the 'another Hillsborough' cliche. Herts police say that the situation was always "under control" - although people were leaving the site because they were scared, which suggests that although they may have had the situation under control, it didn't feel that way. Still, money in the bank, isn't it?

KRIST ON HIS BIKE: No No, No No No No, No No No No, There No No Novoselic - Krist is pissed off at being the member of Nirvana who nobody cares about. No, seriously, so he's quitting the biz we call music:

" "As far as the music industry goes, I quit. I can't deal. I can't read the magazines, listen to the radio or watch music television without feeling like I've just come in from outer space. I just don't get it and I probably never did. My lot in life is that every band I've ever been in just falls apart. That hurts but I've got a thick hide from years of conditioning. Now please take note that I haven't quit music, I've just quit the business. (I can't complain about the business side of Nirvana. I'm not crying a river by any means.) I want to play more with Curt and Bud, they're too good for me not to plug in my bass thus plugging into the cosmo-stream of transcendental rocking good times that those two charge me with. "I'm relatively young (38) and I want to follow my compulsions. I have big plans for 2004" he says. "Next year will be a pivotal year politically for every one of us in the USA and for myself, even more so. I've come off of nine years of political success and see some real opportunities to make change. You'll all hear about my plans soon enough. If you've been following my politics, you know that I will continue to work for inclusion, fairness and freedom. While Eyes Adrift is an artistic success, the commercial side is anything but successful. [That's true - we wouldn't have been able to name his current band if a pub quiz tiebreak had depended on it] I recall too many stories of people simply not being able to find the CD in stores. I know of many who just downloaded. Mixed reviews didn't help the fact that we really didn't sell many CD's. I can't honestly tell you how many we've sold but I can't imagine it's over 20,000 units. A flop? No way!!! At this rate we'll go gold in about a hundred years. Too long you say but isn't music eternal? I'm in no rush".
We're not sure, but it kind of sounds like he's going to be nader's running mate...

SOMETHING PLEASINGLY CIRCULAR ABOUT THIS: Primal Scream to support the Rolling Stones - we think that's the right way round.

FIRST LINES - FIRST RESPONSES: In response to our first ever Weekend Question, the early adopters prizes go to Terry and Barbara.

Terry writes: I hate Elvis Costello but I do like: "Oh I just don't know where to begin" from Accidents Will Happen, if only for the good use of "oh"

Mmm, and when you're talking about the very first syllable, you also have to consider the Wedding Present's Everyone Thinks He Looks Daft, where Gedge manages to sum up the whole bitter-hurt-and-pissed-off song in his opening "Oh... (why do you catch my eye then turn away?)"

Barbara Flaska, one of the team behind the ever-excellent popmatters suggests: "The night was still / And the moon was yellow", the opening to Wilson Pickett's (amongst many others) Stagger Lee.

Any other suggestions for truly great opening lines to songs? Send 'em in to xrrf-line@bothsidesnow.co.uk.