I WON'T SHOW MY HOLE AGAIN: We're not entirely sure who it is offering Kerry McFadden thousands of pounds to pose naked for a calendar, but we're thinking of getting up a petition. We've all seen Kerry's porn pictures from back before she was bright orange, and even with skin the colour of skin it wasn't a pretty sight. Not that we should worry too much, though, as Kerry's turning down the offer:

"I can't do those sort of shots now I'm a married mother of two. It wouldn't seem right."

We understand, Kerry. Stretchmarks, right?

DOHERTY ANNOUNCES FULL SET OF TOUR DATES TO BE CANCELLED AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE: Pete Doherty's lined up a series of dates around the country, booked Dot Allison for support, and made an announcement of when he'll be playing. All that remains now is for him to sell his guitars, disappear off to Amsterdam and leave someone else to clean up the mess. If you're prepared to take a risk:

Glasgow Stereo (July 26)
Wolverhampton Little Civic (27)
Sheffield Trippets (28)
Southampton Joiners (29)
Nottingham The Social (31)
Brighton Freebutt (August 1)
London Camden Monarch (2)
Bristol Louisiana (4)
Shrewsbury The Albert (5)
London Camden Monarch (6)

EVERYONE WANTS A BIT OF THE STREETS: As if it wasn't bad enough someone popping up claiming the credit for Dry Your Eyes' music, now Chris Martin has appeared to say that he used to be the singer on it:

"Well it’s an interesting story if you’re into Coldplay and if you’re not its really boring, but Mike Skinner, his new single is called ‘Dry Your Eyes’ and there was this version of it which I sang the chorus. But I said I didn’t think it was as good as the version where he sang the chorus. Then he didn’t think that was as good as the version where some other dude sang the chorus, so neither him nor me sing on the chorus. But it was cool too... it was cool to spend the day with him. He’s an amazing guy; you know there are some great rappers coming out. I don’t know whether he’d class himself as a rapper or a MC or whatever."

Now, we're not in a place to judge this, but we'd suggest that - regardless of if you like Coldplay or not - that was a fairly interesting story told in a really dull fashion. This all took place during an interview with Harborough FM, which sounds like something made up for the Kit Curran Radio Show. The NME tries to spice up the transcript, to give them their dues - But "Chris Martin has spoken out" does oversell it somewhat. And we're not sure about the use of "joked" here, either:

Martin joked: "I think [Jay-Z] amazing. I’ve been listening to Jay-Z and Kraftwerk a lot. Trying to get inspiration for the last few songs on our album."

The interview then descended into banging on about the-not-funny-at-the-time Nappies spoof band for way too long, and how babies change "everything" (what, really? Why has nobody told us that before?)

MERCURY SHORTLIST, ANYONE?: This just in: the 2004 Mercury shortlist - sponsored, of course, by the Nationwide:
Amy Winehouse Frank
Basement Jaxx Kish Kash
Belle & Sebastian Dear Catastrophe Waitress
Franz Ferdinand Franz Ferdinand
Jamelia Thank You
Joss Stone The Soul Sessions
Keane Hopes and Fears
Robert Wyatt Cuckooland
Snow Patrol Final Straw
The Streets A Grand Don't Come for Free
Ty Upwards
The Zutons Who Killed... The Zutons

WHAT'S THE BUZZ: The Hives have announced a UK tour for September this year, where at least you can be sure they'll be really smartly dressed. The dates:

Bristol Academy - September 21
Birmingham Academy - 23
Manchester Apollo - 24
Sheffield Octagon - 25
London Brixton Academy - 29

GOOD NEWS FOR THE P45 INDUSTRY: The EU has approved the Sony/BMG merger and, with the Americans likely to give approval in days as well, it looks likely that 2000 - 3000 people from the music industry are going to be seeking new work by Christmas.

WISE INVESTMENTS: Making better use of his money than Shola is James Bourne out of Busted, who's bought shares in a clothing company. Although, really, choosing a modish fashion squad like Sic Puppy instead of something a bit more solid - say, Damart, with their thermals - might prove to be as risky an investment as, well, long-term investment in Busted's career.

THE DRUGS DON'T WORK, NOT FOREVER: Ever wondered what happened to Shola Ama? One minute she's the new Sade. Next... well, she's the new Sade.



It turns out she managed to burn through her cash by spending up to a thousand a day on cocaine; and, up to her beak in drucks, snorted away her career as well. Of course, we know this because she's returned, cleaned-up, testifying to her previous faults and keen to make a new start. Just like the new Sade.

Just in passing - a thousand quid a day on coke? What was she doing, taking it home in a bloody wheelbarrow?

YOU'VE GOT THE BAND IN THE BUBBLE AND THE BABY WITH THE BABOON HEART: Well, a band in a big glass box, anyway. Now, sadly, this isn't the plan we've had to permanently isolate Girls Aloud and stop them from being a menace to society; instead, Australian band Regurgitator have sealed themselves in a glass studio in the middle of Sydney while they work on their new album. Quan Yeomans says:

"Unparalleled artistic accountability wrapped up in a landmark meta-cultural experiment or a weeping pustule of cutting edge, quasi-real situation marketing-anti-marketing fodder covering up poorly crafted music? Quite possibly. I have no idea. That's why we have to do it."

[Thanks to Christopher B]

MULLY FOR NOTHING: If you fancy a spot of Mull Historical Society, but are reluctant to actually spend money to get your jollies, great news: MHS are playing a mini-tour of HMVs and Fopps. It was Birmingham yesterday, which we realise is a bit useless to tell you now, but here are the other dates:

Tues 20 July - 5.00pm - FOPP, 1 Earlham Street, Covent Garden, LONDON
Wed 21 July - 12.30pm - HMV, 1 Victoria Walk, Headrow Centre, LEEDS
Wed 21 July - 5.00pm - HMV, 90 Market St, MANCHESTER
Sat 24 July - 5.00pm - FOPP, 19 Union Street, GLASGOW

ENOUGH, NOW: We generally feel that 6Music is a good thing, and it makes us feel that there's more to paying the licence fee than just upsetting Rupert Murdoch (although sixty-odd pence a day to piss off Murdoch has got to be money well spent in anyone's book). And we love that the BBC support the network enough to actually promote it properly - we haven't forgotten how the old Radio Five was allowed to die starved of promotion pretty much after its first couple of weeks on air. Even so, we're getting a little bit sick of seeing the Phil Juiptus Breakfast Show trail at every bloody programme junction. Come on, 6Music is littered with treasures - The Collins, Gideon Coe, Lammo - why focus purely (and repeatedly) on just Phil Juiptus? We're not convinced his profile is very much higher than many of his peers - Andrew Collins was, of course, recently invited to choose his Perfect World for readers of the MK review, which is worth three appearances on Never Mind The Buzzcocks. And he might not have been a regular on It's Only TV But I Like It, but - hey - Telly Addicts, right?

The advert doesn't even make sense to us - we think the idea is meant to be that it's like he's doing the show from his living room, but since the coffee mug and dog are in the "studio" when he arrives there, does it mean he lives at 6Music? And if he does, why does he go out and drive round in a circle to get there? Is it - like Mike in Neighbours, Guy Pearce's first major acting job, he's been thrown out of his house by his evil Dad and so is sneaking in to sleep in the studio (or, of course, Daphne's coffee shop?) and having to sneak out and then re-enter so nobody knows? Although having a bloody great glass window looking in to the room might give his colleagues a clue, surely? Has he merely forgotten that he's at the studio - perhaps all those episodes of Buzzcocks are taking their toll on him, and he first he forgets to go home at the end of one show, and then, twenty hours later, forgets he's already at the studio? And, most important of all, if he's such a great DJ, why does he take the Cure off mid-verse?

AND THIS IS A DEFENCE?: So, Jay Kay out of Jamiroquai has been caught speeding again, this time in Central Scotland. And, with several offences already notched up against him, Jay Kay had better have a really good reason for tearing along at 105mph. And he has, right? Erm... right:

"I'd set out early in the morning but had become stuck behind slow moving traffic on the single-carriageway road. That meant I had been traveling for four hours at an average of about 30 miles an hour by this stage. I was not driving a fast sports car but a four-wheel drive vehicle which meant I wanted to make the most of this overtaking opportunity. I appreciate the maximum penalty for this offense could lead to the loss of my license and this is a matter of grave concern to me."

So, there you have it: He was speeding because he wasn't driving a sports car. How could anyone take away the lad's licence on that basis, eh?

DON'T COME AROUND HERE, NO MOORE: A few more lights switched off in America as their democracy starts to run on back-up power only. Linda Ronstadt was doing a set at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas, when she broke off to suggest that everyone should pop along to the cinema to see Fahrenheit 9/11, and that Michael Moore was "a great American patriot" and someone who is spreading the truth." In response to this, some of the audience started to howl, tear down posters, and hurl food around. (There aren't many news reports which contain the phrase "people... tossed cocktails into the air", like a Darby and Joan riot, but this is one of them.) Now, the extreme over-reaction by Bush supporters to a fairly basic and not very controversial statement suggests something about how jumpy the right are in the US right now, and would seem to raise a question about how people four-square behind Bush's vision of freedom seem incapable of even tolerating the idea of people who may choose to exercise their democratic freedoms in a different way to their own, right? Erm... not according to Bill Timmins, president of the Aladdin hotel. He was so angry he wouldn't even let Rondstadt back into her bedroom, and had her thrown off the property:

Ronstadt's antics "spoiled a wonderful evening for our guests and we had to do something about it," Timmins said.

You might question why Ronstadt suggesting watching a popular movie is an "antic" which "spoiled" people's evenings - surely the real people who wrecked the night were the cocktail riot squad whose childish tantrums stopped Ronstadt from doing Desperado?

THAT'S NOT YOUR TUNE: No sooner had pretend George Harrison Michael gagliano popped up claiming he wrote the music for Dry Your Eyes, than The Streets people stuck out a statement:

"The strings in The Streets single ‘Dry Your Eyes’ were taken from a sample CD which provides royalty free samples for artists. This is standard practice nowadays. Obviously, Mike has never heard the other song in question. Apparently it was released towards the end of 2003, and ‘Dry Your Eyes’ was recorded as early as March 2003 and CDs of the track have been kicking around the label and people involved ever since. We have no idea how the other artist thinks Mike heard his music before recording it and find it all a bit strange."

Apart from the total rubbishing of his claims, it's the "obviously" which is the twisting of the knife there, isn't it?

WHEN THE OCEAN GETS GOING, THE WIFE GETS PACKING: Billy Ocean has announced a tour, and insisted that his wife comes along, too, to "deter female fans.".



You know what, Billy? You might find she doesn't have to work very hard.

MR. MORRISSEY MOURNS: Mozzer has pulled out of his Fuji Festival appearance in Japan because of some sort of disagreement over his "performance." Perhaps more importantly, Morrissey has been talking about Arthur Kane, the New York Dolls bassist who died last week:

"I am personally very grateful to Arthur for his essential contribution to the Dolls and their music.He has left us with some great musical memories – especially ‘Private World’ and ’It’s Too Late’.
He was a very gentle soul and I know he lived for many years with the hope of a Dolls reunion. When this happened – at the Royal Festival Hall in June – I know Arthur was thrilled to be back with David and Sylvain playing the music of the Dolls to such enthusiastic crowds over two nights.
I will always remember the look of bashful happiness on Arthur’s face as people in the audience constantly called out his name. He was finally back where he belonged."

The reunion, of course, was brokered by Morrissey as part of his Meltdown curatorial duties.

While we're on the subject, the New York Dolls management have also released a statement:

Arthur "Killer" Kane died Tuesday in Los Angeles of complications related to leukaemia. He was the bass guitarist for the legendary rock band The New York Dolls which achieved great success in the early 1970's.
He was born in New York February 3, 1949. In 1972 he helped form The Dolls and revolutionised rock and roll in the United States, in England and around the world.
After a 27-year break-up the Dolls reunited for two sold-out shows in London last month. The ability to perform again with his band mates and to bring joy to fans for a last time pleased Arthur tremendously.
He was a beloved friend, church member and rock star and his gentle and sweet influence will be missed. He was a great example of meekness, kindness and of enduring to the end."

The "church member" reference is an acknowledgement of Kane's Mormonism. Kane seems to be an unlikely member of the Osmond's church, but was apparently an enthusiastic convert and well-respected by his peers.

WHAT, NO CHESTERFIELDS?: The Beatles are the greatest band of all time, according to a fiftieth birthday poll over on Normblog. In fact, the poll had three acts - beatles, stones and dylan - quite a way ahead of the rest of the pack ("a collective Sir Donald Bradman", as Norm puts it). Our main reaction to all this is to shake our heads again at just how over-rated The Who really are.

STARS KILL ROCK: If you've not quite got into your stride of working this week, and are looking for some use of your connection that might not be according to the rules, but isn't totally illegal, you might want to point your browser in the general direction of Kill Rock Stars collection of free MP3s. It includes Slumber Party and The Legend, Sleater-Kinney and Xiu Xiu, but there's loads to choose from. And easy clicks to buy stuff from the acts you like.

APPLE RAISES GAME: After a couple of months sitting still waiting for rivals to catch up, Apple have laughed and launched a new iPod - longer battery life, smaller, thinner - and USD100 cheaper. No word on UK prices as yet.

COMING SOON: X-CLASSIC-FM: Rumours are ramping up that Capital and GWR are holding merger talks to create one giant, though not very good, radio group.

STREETS CRIME?: Michael Gagliano - who makes his living by pretending to be George Harrison in the counterfeit Beatles - is pissed off with Mike Skinner. He claims Dry Your Eyes is a total rip-off of one his songs. (Not the ones he plays when he's pretending to be Scouse):

"Dry Your Eyes came on the radio one day and I couldn't believe it. I pointed at the radio and said: 'That's my song'. There's absolutely no doubt about it - listen to both and you can see exactly where he's got the tune from. The only thing is, he hasn't contacted me, given me any credit - or offered to give me any royalties."

It's not recorded if Mr. Gagliano pays a royalty to the Harrison Estate for making use of George's image.

THANK GOD THEY CAN COUNT ON TOBY KEITH: Bewigged pop dilettante Elton John has added his name to the list of People Not That Impressed By Bush. John - not known for stirring up political dust - has attacked George W for the bully tactics used by the White House and its media supporters to try and squish anyone who might feel like pointing out the current President's flaws:

Elton told New York magazine that stars are "frightened by the current administration's bullying tactics. There was a moment about a year ago when you couldn't say a word about anything in this country for fear of your career being shot down by people saying you are un-American" he said."

MIXED DAY FOR RACHEL STEVENS: She misses out on the Number One slot, Some Girls being edged out by the Shapesisters, but on the brighter side, she has got shot of her no-mark boyfriend.

NOT ALL RECORD COMPANIES ARE EVIL: Some actually even try and do the right thing. For example, Falling Mountain records has pledged to give a dollar from every CD sold through its website to social and environmental causes. The label - home to Linda Hickman, The Bog wanderers and Randy Barrett, among others - has decided to move away from single shot benefit albums, and turn its entire catalogue into charity titles. Imagine what could happen if a label the size of Sony-BMG, say, did that.

BUY FAKES? GUY FAWKES: The easiest way to damn anything in these post-Twin Towers days is to mutter "could be terrorism/could be used by terrorists/might make people think of terrorism", and it's probably only a surprise that it's taken so long for the Entertainment Industries to claim a firm link between unlicensed product and Al-Qaeda. This time round, it's the Industry Trust for Intellectual Property Awareness (the movie industry's copyright whiners) who are making the suggestion that buying a fake DVD from a bloke down the pub is tantamount to setting up a direct debit to one of Bin Laden's offshore accounts, but the music industry have been dropping hints that fake CDs might be being used to fund nests of terrorisms, yea, even in our own bossoms. It turns out there's precious little evidence for this - Interpol's Ronald Noble has concocted some vague data, such as a court case where there was a suggestion of a possibility of a chance of some link to Al-Qaeda - and what's even more compelling is the shit margins on fake DVDs making it hard to believe a full day down at the Stoke Bruene Village Car Boot Sale knocking out wobbly camcordered versions of Spiderman 2 would bring in enough profit to keep the salesman in baccy and Guinness, much less pay the fees for a few dozen courses at Florida flying schools. As Duncan Campbell points out, Bin Laden was independently wealthy, and so hardly needed to wait for his boys to make it back from Camden Market before he could buy a tape for his next "Jihaddic Greetings From Osama" cassette rant.

"THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND": Beware of young men bearing grudges. After all this time, Damon Albarn has popped up moaning about how the NME covered his trip to Africa. Albarn seems a little put out that the 'me took the chance of the journey it made with him to Mali to chat about how Blur were falling apart at the seems:

"I took the NME to Mali when we were rehearsing, and I was just devastated by the impression that they gave at the end. I'm trying to open this up for people like myself. The NME doesn't go to Africa very often, and I was really excited about the whole idea. At the end, I felt absolutely… does it mean that musicians' adventures around the world are destined to remain in the broadsheets and in the travel sections of magazines, and the kids never have access to this and are permanently force-fed crap?"

A lot of people, of course, have the feeling that, rather than using his connections to promote Mali music, Albarn is more interested in promoting himself using Mali music as tool. The fact that he then uses subsequent interviews to moan about how the NME failed to treat his cultural daytripping as the most important thing to happen to Africa since the discovery of diamonds, instead of enthusing over the Mali musicians he has so much at heart, tends to confirm this thesis.

OSBOURNES AT WAR WITH BUSHES: When even Ozzy Osbourne has sussed there's something wrong with Bush, you've got to wonder exactly where the White House is hoping to find support in this election year. Ozzy's using the current Black Sabbath tour to compare Bush with Hitler - okay, okay, it's hardly great, original satire but for a man who's been medicated to the point where he bleeds Calpol, what do you expect? It's easy to see why Ozzy despises Bush - a guy who's barely coherent, with a pushy, social-climbing wife and kids who have no actual talent but are happy to leech of their dad's position... exactly the sort of thing which would be a turn off to Ozzy, don't you think?

GINSENG GALORE: we're not quite sure why Britney Spears would be so angry about the New York Post cover story which suggested she was slugging from a bottle of Whiskey - apparently Spears is demanding a retraction and an apology, threatening legal action should they not be forthcoming. But what would the legal action be based on? Does she feel that the carefully cultivated image of someone who gets pissed, marries a bloke she happens to be drinking with, and then spends a week trying to clear up the resultant mess, using the incident as a basis for a gag during the few live shows she manages to make it through before pulling the tour might be destroyed if her fans see her able to enjoy an alcoholic beverage without winding up at the 24 Hour Wedding Chapel? Whatever, she's got her publicist to make it clear she was drinking ginseng, not whiskey. Because it's easy to confuse the two. (Personally, anyone drinking gingseng when they could be knocking back Jamesons automatically drops three points in my estimation.)

THE STORY OF O: We've always been impressed by Australian radio, which has seemed to us to be a pretty open-minded and willing to take risks. Admittedly, this has been filtered through stuff sent to us taped from Triple JJJ by the wonderful Emma W, and that bonus CD you got with some editions of the Go Betweens best of. But it seems that, back in the mainstream, it's every bit as pisspoor and poorly run as British or American stations. A band called Frenzal Rhomb have been finding this out the hard way.

Last weekend, Frenzal were playing a festival in Darwin. Things were running behind schedule, and, pissed off to discover that some minor celeb Jackie O, who hosts a pop show on the Austereo network., wanted to eat further into their time by making some sort of speech, decided to play over her. The effect, for readers in the UK, would be like The Libertines trying to drown out Sarah Kennedy. And that would have been the end of it, had Jackie O not thrown a hissy, demanding the band apologise. On her radio show. Following threats to "bury the band", Frenzal Rhomb shuffled into her studio. It didn't go quite the way O might have hoped, as the band decided not to just roll over:

J: Okay, now for a start, I'd just like to say, Jackie - at the aftershow party at the Discovery, were you (in background Lindsay says, "During the show"), during the show, were you aware that one of your security guards threatened our guitar tech with the threat of violence - as you're doing now Kyle, "it would have been on for young and old" as you say.
K: Yeah, yep.
J: Did you know about that?
O: Yeah.
J: That security guard came up and threatened us with actual violence? Do you endorse that?
O: What, what was...
K: Yes, well I do.
J: You do? You endorse that? You would have come and punched on because we said something about Popstars and Australian Idol?
Kyle and Jackie O: No!
O: It wasn't about Popstars and Australian Idol.
J: Because you felt that somehow we'd offended you, or not given you enough time to speak up. You were nine hours late for your show...
O: Well fuck mate, at least give me a chance to say something. Like, it's so rude to just come in and say fuck you, fuck Jackie O and play the guitar over me. I was only going to talk for like, ten seconds, seriously.
J: If we're going to talk about rudeness, can you please just explain why your people are ringing up our record company telling us you're going to bury our band...
O: We're not going to bury your band...
J: And never getting played on Austereo again?
O: But yeah, probably won't get played.
J: (laughing in exasperaton) It never did get played!
O: It got played on Triple M.
K: That's because it was pretty much shit.
J: It got played at bloody midnight so they could fulfil their Australian content, it's bullshit.
K: Mate you are just so bitter, you may as well just take a new career path.
J: I'm not...(laughing). Okay...
K: You're sad, see you later, goodbye. (hangs up) Man, what a cock. Sorry everyone, we've got to go to the hot thirty countdown now.

You can hear the interview in full via Bombshell [MP3 Download]

What particularly sucks about this isn't just the uppity jackie O electing to never play the band again, which, as Frenzal Rhomb point out, is something she'd never quite got round to doing anyway. More, it's the royal way she used threats to get them on the air to try and wring out an apology - using the airwaves to fight a very personal battle - and then, when she discovered she'd been outclassed by a superior intellect, doubling the hissy to insist on the banning of the band not just from her own network, but also other stations in the family. It's the sort of behaviour you'd expect from a six year-old, not a serious broadcaster. So, not that surprising, then.

Thanks to Nick B of Lets All Turn On

MORE ON SINGING POLITICIANS: Thanks to Kiril for his suggestion that, while MP4 might be bad, it's not as bad as the thought of a singing John Ashcroft. Which, disturbingly, isn't the product of his fevered imagination, but an all too horrible reality.