Ultra Unbloced

Bloc Party have pulled out of the Ultra Music festival in Florida; Kele's unwell. Viral pharyngitis, if you want to spend some time with WebMD.

Take That and Robbie: So long as its for the right reasons

The Daily Telegraph suggests there are compelling reasons for Take That to make themselves rubbish by bringing Robbie Williams back on board: tonnes and tonnes of cash:

Each member of the pop group Take That would be richer if singer Robbie Williams rejoins the band, according to music industry experts.

What music industry experts could be so cold as to reduce the plans to screw the quiet That dynamic by folding in Megaphone Lookatme trousers? Is anyone so deeply obsessed with money they can't see that 'ah, but you'll make a few more kid' wouldn't outweigh turning a well-liked and fairly humble group into a singing Tescos? What stripe of 'expert' could be so heartless?

PRS for Music, the industry's royalty collection organisation, has indicated that the move could be lucrative for the entire band."

Ah. PRS. That makes sense, then.

Incidentally, given that in their struggle with Google te PRS makes much of how they're non-profit and only take ten per cent of cash from their members in order to act in their interests, could someone explain how issuing asinine press releases about this sort of thing is supposed to be of any practical use to their members? Because from where I'm sitting, it looks a lot like spending songwriter's royalties on bolstering the corporate image of the PRS.

Gordon in the morning: Even a "look, it's a belly" punchline can't cheer him up

This morning, Gordon is worried about a mate. Or, rather, someone who he has had his photo taken with, but that's kind of a mate, isn't it? In fact, being in photos with people is better than being real mates as you don't have to worry about what to get them for Christmas or anything, while you can still show people pictures of you with them and everyone will assume you're tight with them.

Anyway, Gordon's worried about James Corden, on account of how the clouds are starting to gather:

IF Family Fortunes asked 100 people to name a popular, chipper, chubby comedian, JAMES CORDEN would be the top answer.

But the big lad from Gavin & Stacey has recently been far from the bubbly Smithy the nation has grown to love.

Big Jim hit rock bottom last week after taking to heart brutal criticism of his new TV comedy sketch show Horne & Corden.

If the nation has grown to love him, how does that square with him being criticised into feeling miserable? I know the United Kingdom can be a complicated place to track emotion - you never find out that you were a national treasure until you get bad news from the doctor - but that sounds awkwardly complicated even for us.

Gordon knows James is down because a mate told him. The sort of mate who runs to the papers to let them know that you're having a bad day. That sort of mate:

A mate said: “James is having a real crisis of confidence at the moment. He has been worried that the honeymoon period has come to an end.

“It’s the first time since everything kicked off for him that the non-stop good times have really turned bad.

“He has been depressed because he feels it has all been a bit personal."

Well, yes, the criticism has been a bit personal, what with the writing-and-starring-in-a-comedy-show-named-after-you nature of the work.

Gordon then goes on to churn through the setbacks that Horne's had recently - although neglects to mention "nation screaming 'don't you bloody dare' when the idea of launching a band was floated" - before offering some sparks of comfort:

Lesbian Vampire Killers, James’s recently released flick with Mat, has bagged £1million in its first week.

Although, of course, the reviews for it made the mauling Horne & Corden got look like a Chinese Burn. And it seems to be trailing behind Mall Cop right now. It's hard to imagine James Corden is going to cheer up thinking that people would rather watch a man called Blart than his movie.

As I revealed a couple of months ago, James has also landed a leading role in the Hollywood remake of Gulliver’s Travels.

Although the IMDB has yet to add him in to their cast list. And since he's not Gulliver, or Gulliver's wife, it's not entirely clear quite how leading he was.

James and Mat got through hosting this year’s Brits unscathed — where bigger names have come tumbling down.

Yes, James: hold on to the smattering of polite applause.

On top of that, Gavin & Stacey has been commissioned for a third series, with a Christmas special to boot.

Yes... stick with the sitcom. The public like the sitcom. You've got a sitcom.

And Gordon points out that James isn't entirely alone:

In her absence a man who is no stranger to controversy and the occasional bad review has been offering his new chum some support through the bad times — JONATHAN ROSS.

Rossy. Rossy will help you through.

Jonathan Ross cheering up a guy stuck in a sitcom, wishing he could be thought of as more than just a punchline, being accused of spreading himself too thinly, getting a critical mauling. Why does that sound so familiar?

Also today, Gordon has the scoop on where Michael Jackson will be staying during his three year residency in Camden:

THRILLER star MICHAEL JACKSON will stay next to HAUNTED CAVES during his 50-concert stint in London this summer.

Jacko, 50, has paid £1million to rent a 28-bedroom Kent mansion on the edge of an ancient 22-mile maze of spooky passageways.

Let's hope there's a spooky passageway linking Kent to Essex, as it's only a couple of weeks since Gordon claimed Jackson was renting Rod Stewart's mansion to stay in.

Westwood: Breaking waffle news

Hold the, erm, waffle iron: Westwood's had second thoughts:

Shit - recipe's to complicated - I'm gonna get Aunt Jamima waffle mix

The dream is over.

Saturday Kitchen with Tim Westwood

You know, there are those people who say that Twitter is little more than a gathering of the barely literate. Others say its a service for those obsessed with telling the world what they had for breakfast. Still more Twitterniks point to the blowhards who can't half-form an opinion without seeking an audience for it.

It might be a good idea to keep them away from TimWestwood as he seems to be combining all three complaints in one deft sequence:

I'm an expert on hotel breakfasts - this one's shaping up to be an average. I'll be able able to call it when the porridge gets here
30 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

Its a 5 outta 10 - but if they don't hurry my porridge I'll miss me train!
22 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

Newcastle Malmassion sets the standard for breakfast - they were more legendary back in the day
21 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

Porridge's a bust & the waffles burnt. Crown Plaza Chester slips down in the ratings
19 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

Shit tasted right - spoke to the chef - its a generous 7 outta 10
15 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

Waffles were bangin - cook gave me the recipe & I'm buyin the same waffle iron. Chester Crown Plaze big in the breakfast ratings
1 minute ago from TwitterBerry

The most worrying one is the penultimate one... did he order that from the menu or was the chef merely reacting to having his porridge cricitised on the internet?

And why does Westwood want to buy a waffle iron and use a recipe which resulted in burnt waffles?

Beaker half-full: Universal attempt a British Miley Cyrus

Here's one fresh from the flipchart at a company brainstorm: Universal Records have decided that what the UK needs is a British Miley Cyrus, and have set about making it so:

Tracey Beaker star Dani Harmer is set to battle it out in the charts with the likes of Alexandra Burke and Lily Allen by launching a career as a pop star!

The CBBC actress has signed a record deal worth up to £3 million with the Universal/Decca music label.

Burke has had a busy week - she's also taken on the job of playing a grown-up Tracy Beaker in a series which follows the character from Sainsburys' kids stationery range after she leaves care. It's going to be on CBBC, so presumably Beaker won't slide in to the crime-drugs-prison spiral that bedevils a lot of people as they leave the care system and struggle with minimal support.

And expectations for the series are high. How high? Well, the Newcastle Journal seems to be expecting miracles:

How Tracy Beaker will save region

That makes it sound unlikely that Beaker will end up working the streets to support a crack habit, although I'd love to see next year's Sainsburys pencil cases if she did.

Who said "Tucker's Luck"? That kind of unconstructive use of lessons from history isn't helpful, you know. There's every chance that people who are adult will really want to spend time watching a character they liked as a child, and wouldn't view going back to Tracy Beaker like they were being asked to do finger painting at a business meeting; while the kids who identify with the child Tracy Beaker can't wait to watch a programme about trying to make sense of the Job Centre Plus and housing benefit forms.

Somehow, amongst all this, Harmer is going to try and build a pop career that justifies an alleged three million quid investment.

Just one thing, though: isn't she a little old to be the British Miley Cyrus?

[Thanks to @jonnybull for the tip]

Courtney Love: Life, sadly, outpaces our ability to make up stuff

Before heading out for a spot of tea, I made a joke about how Courtney Love's blogging was probably a good argument for musicians to have Twitter ghostwriters.

If I'd waited, I'd actually have had a better punchline, provided by Courtney Love. Having been left alone to do her own Twittering, she's managed to get herself in hot legal trouble:

Fashion designer Dawn Simorangkir, aka Boudoir Queen, is suing Love for libel and breach of contract. Simorangkir claims that Love never paid her for work she had completed, and accuses her of making "menacing and disturbing" statements about her online.

The suit alleges that Love called the designer several names on her Twitter and MySpace pages, including a "nasty lying hosebag thief", and accused her of being a drug addict and a prostitute, reports the Associated Press.

Okay, maybe not a ghost writer. But surely someone could offer to subedit Courtney - and cast an eye over the legals?

The kings of video streaming

For the last couple of weeks, I've been pointing out that comparing radio royalty rates with online video rates - as the PRS tries to do - is wrong-headed and confused. Here, in my inbox appears a document with an expert who seems to back me up:

‘Lots more performances of music are needed online to generate meaningful royalties since each download or stream is individual in comparison to the wider audience numbers achieved by broadcasts on traditional media channels such as radio or TV.'

Exactly. Why can't the PRS see that, eh? Maybe we should try and see if this chap could try to point out to the royalty body that you're only going to get infinitesimal rates per play of a video... let's see, who was this wise man?

Andrew Shaw, Managing Director of Broadcast and Online at PRS for Music

Yes, having spent three weeks bleating that YouTube offer a tiny, tiny amount for each time a video gets played online, and suggesting this makes Google evil, the PRS now issue a press release reminding everyone that, erm, you can only expect a tiny, tiny amount for each time a video gets played online. I'm not sure if that makes the PRS part of the evil Google conspiracy, or simply suggests that - as with most of the RIAA affiliated groups and companies - at least some people understand digital music and its implications.

This is all part of the PRS press release celebrating the most popular online music of 2008. Yes, it really has taken them three months to work this out. Here's the chart:

1. NOW YOU'RE GONE - BASSHUNTER
2. ROCK STAR - HANNAH MONTANA
3. MERCY - DUFFY
4. DON'T STOP THE MUSIC - RIHANNA
5. 4 MINUTES – MADONNA, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, TIMBALAND
6. APOLOGIZE - TIMBALAND
7. BLACK AND GOLD - SAM SPARRO
8. AMERICAN BOY - ESTELLE AND KANYE WEST
9. I KISSED A GIRL - KATY PERRY
10. SOMETHING GOOD - UTAH SAINTS
11. WHATS IT GONNA BE - H two O, PLATINUM
12. CHASING PAVEMENTS - ADELE
13. SO WHAT - PINK
14. SEX ON FIRE - KINGS OF LEON
15. PIECE OF ME - BRITNEY SPEARS
16. DANCE WIV ME - DIZZEE RASCAL
17. VALERIE - AMY WINEHOUSE, MARK RONSON
18. THE PROMISE - GIRLS ALOUD
19. ELVIS AINT DEAD - SCOUTING FOR GIRLS
20. HOT N COLD - KATY PERRY

What is the reaction of the PRS to this discovery?

Some of the entries in 2008 exemplify that digital is truly an audio-visual environment where video can drastically boost a track’s popularity.

Eh? While the list might not exactly match the ILR playlists for the 2008, it's hardly as if there's any gems in the list that you might have missed had you relied on radio rather than going on the internet during the year.

There's something else I don't quite understand. The release says this:

PRS for Music analysed 74 million downloads and streams of music on licensed websites and services such as YouTube, iTunes, Last.fm, Spotify and Bebo, in order to pay royalties accurately to its 60,000 members.

Which is fair enough. But the notes for editors says this:

A typical radio station plays 12,000 pieces of music in a three month period. During the same timeframe, on services like YouTube, PRS for Music will analyse some two billion performances of 14m different videos.

So in 2008, PRS analysed 74 million downloads and streams. But in three months, PRS analyses two billion performances of videos alone - implying eight billion streaming videos in a year. So is it 74 million or eight billion? Shouldn't an agency set up to look after other people's money be better with the numbers?

The ghost of a Tweet

There is, of course, a distinction between having Twitter ghostwriters and paying someone to update your social networking profiles. The former is what 50 Cent does, the latter is Britney Spears' approach.

It's one thing to openly make it clear that it's someone from your team who is sticking up the messages: when you read "Britney is doing something really cool", you're going to know that it's a minion doing the typing.

But what about when the Tweets are constructed to make it seem like they're coming from the person in whose name the account has been established?

For instance, say you're one of the 200,000 people signed up for 50 Cent's feed, and you saw his eloquent March 1 post in which he opined, "My ambition leads me through a tunnel that never ends." Deep, right? But prompted the savvy businessman and beef-addicted rapper to write such a line? Apparently you'd have to ask "Broadway" (a.k.a. Chris Romero), the director of 50's Web empire, who tweeted the thoughtful comment after reading it in an interview.

"He doesn't actually use Twitter," Romero told the paper about his boss. "But the energy of it is all him." The energy, huh?

If you can't manage to come up with 140 characters worth of something to say, you might wonder if you should be doing the job, surely?

After all, what possible argument could there be against a musician actually writing, for themselves, the material through which they connect with their audience?

Oh... hang about, I'm just getting a text... let me just read this... hmmm... let me just try that final paragraph again then:

After all, what possible argument* could there be against a musician actually writing, for themselves, the material through which they connect with their audience?

*Except for Courtney Love on MySpace.

Downloadable: Lisa Hannigan

More aural bounty, as everyone's other favourite Hannigan visits Daytrotter to deliver one of their sumptuous sessions. Five Lisa Hannigan tracks and an interview, all waiting for you and your mouse. And finger. And ears.

Parfitt: Only the odd Pops, while Pop and Ma welcome at One

It's been the day of the Radio Academy radio and music forum, and somewhat impolitely Andy Parfitt turned up and talked about television.

In particular, he focused on the question of if the Christmas and Comic Relief successes of Top Of The Pops suggested there might be life in the corpse yet:

"It has come back in those event-driven moments and that's the way to go," he added.

"It's got a mythical status ... but I don't think we should get hung up on that one programme. We are a long way from [BBC1 controller] Jay Hunt recommissioning Top of the Pops in its old-school form on BBC1."

Andy remembers that Christmas is the most magical event-driven moment of the year, and you can't just have that event-driven moment every week of the year.

Besides, says Andy, you can't have a music programme on television now, because the kids have the mp3s on their iPods:

Parfitt said that younger music consumers expected more interactivity than just broadcasting Top of the Pops once a week, in an age of iPod playlists, online music services and other options open to the BBC audience. "The days are gone when we can make a programme and just put it out there," he added.

Yes, nowadays, programmes have to be scheduled, promoted; audiences have to be nurtured. Back in 1977, it used to be enough for programmes to be taken from the edit suite and dumped in the street - audiences would run out in packs and collect the shows to entertain themselves with on their G-Plan televisions and flared radios.

Isn't the opposite more true now? That an organisation with the BBC's clout and nous could just film five or six bands doing a couple of songs, just stick the files up online and perhaps behind press red, brand the whole thing 'Top Of The Pops' and leave the rest to the audience? Wouldn't that be quite exciting? Couldn't Top of The Pops become the equivalent of an iPod playlist for music TV? You could draw up your own list of favourite records; that could generate a chart in turn which - right down the end of the line - could be assembled to make an old-style rundown programme.

Parfitt did turn his attention to radio, though, to wrestle with the problem of Radio One's aging audience:

Parfitt also today defended Radio 1 against accusations that its audience and roster of presenters are too old, insisting that the station reaches 40% of its target demographic, 15- to 24-year-olds.

"As Radio 1 has grown it has grown its 35-plus audience but it has also grown its teen audience. Its mean audience is 27," he added.

"If I want a way to travel for Radio 1 it would be not older but younger," admitted Parfitt, who is also controller of Radio 1, 1Xtra and multimedia teen content brand BBC Switch.

So... hang about a minute while I try to make my brain catch up. The remit of Radio One is to target 15 to 24 year-olds, two out of three of whom it misses altogether; instead, it hits an average age of 27, already three years older than where it's being pointed - so the boss thinks his ideal plan is to try and attract a larger number of older listeners?

Perhaps Parfitt would have been happier arguing that the obsession with age targets is meaningless once you get past the CBBC age group, but given that part of his remit is pushing BBC Switch, or "Hullo Teenagers... Everywhere" to give it its official title, he's going to find doing that a little tricky.

However, he said that older audiences who grew up with the station have stayed with it because "they want to remain younger longer". "You can't make them go away," Parfitt added.

Actually, Andy, you can make them go away, by changing the line-up of presenters. You might remember Matthew Bannister demonstrated this quite effectively when he had the Radio One studios sprayed for Travis, Bates and Juste.

He insisted that "Radio 1 is a hot young radio station", citing the popularity of the late John Peel as proof that the age of presenters did not mean that they could not appeal to younger audiences.

Bloody hell, after all these years, and Radio 1 controllers are still using John Peel as their get-out of all sorts of awkward situations. A couple of decades ago he would be invoked as proof that the station still cared about new music; now, he's proof that young audiences will listen to older presenters. Well, yes: but only if they trust their taste. Do fifteen year old kids really think that Jo Whiley is more musically acute than their mates' iPods playlists?

Downloadable: La Roux

What are bands doing with all the emails they harvest in return for free music? Are they simply building up a marketing database, or do they sell them on to V1agr/\ salesmen?

Still, some things are worth the risk of a flurry of emails telling you "She hate your tiny man-gizzard -be virile with blue pill". Like, for example, a free digital bundle from LaRoux. Get across to the website, click on the bottom right and before you know it, you'll be taking delivery of a couple of demo tracks.

There's also a live session, which will be appearing on Spotify this afternoon. But - hold on! - only for premium users. The rest of the world will have to wait until next week to be able to hear it. (In passing, looks like Spotify have come up with a new way of persuading people to shell up for an upgrade.)

Imeem squeezed

More trouble at the interface of rights holders and online services: Imeem is struggling to cope with paying royalties at the prices demanded by the people who Abba don't want us to call the intellectual property industry.

There had been rumours that Imeem was about thirty million dollars awry of its obligations, but Imeem deny that figure. It also denies that it's on the point of shutting up shop altogether:

"[TechCrunch's] $30M number is not only wrong, it's preposterous," said Graves. "We don't now owe, nor have we ever owed, that amount of money to the labels. And the shutdown rumor is equally false – we are not shutting down."
[...]
Graves said imeem is indeed hoping to renegotiate its label deals.

"I can confirm that we're negotiating with the major labels to restructure our deals," he wrote via e-mail. "This is a good thing. The economy and world have changed, and just as we've renegotiated our bandwidth bills, ad-serving deals, etc. to take into account the new economic realities, it makes sense to do the same with our content deals."

Wired suggests it could be paying as much as a cent per song streaming for some tracks - which, with Imeem serving a billion streams a month, is clearly insane.

Using our adhoc 'how much would it cost to play a song to an audience the size of Chris Moyles', I make that roughly a thousand times more expensive per listener than Radio One's royalty rate.

Doubtless, though, PRS and other rights agencies will be desperately trying to come up with a justification for overcharging a company when it does have the 'well, the parent company makes a lot' argument to deploy.

Pirate Bay goes submarine

Do you suppose the RIAA really ever expect their get-tough-stunts to have the desired effect? Or are they like alcoholics opening another can, pretending that they're going to enjoy it, but knowing that they're just making their misery deeper and longer?

Take the legal action against the Pirate Bay. Not only has it seen IFPI head John Kennedy make a fool of himself in court, but now it has lead to the launch of iPredator. The Pirate Bay team are offering access to a virtual private network for five euros a month, taking torrent swapping further out of the view of the record companies.

What's really going to hurt is the realisation that the Pirate Bay have found a way to make money out of online music while the RIAA companies are still trying to find a business plan.

Embed and Breakfast man: Whipping Boy

Because I'm nothing if not sensitive to the demands of the crowd, here is Whipping Boy's When We Were Young:

Downloadable: The Noisettes

A gift for you from the Noisettes' people: yesterday's cover of The Killers' When We Were Young off the Live Lounge.

If only it had been Whipping Boy's song of the same name, we might all have been in very heaven. But this will do for me...

Duffy has 'ad it

Sadly, Duffy decided to wait until everyone had seen the eye-poking terror of her 'bicycling off to get some Diet Coke with a look of terror on my face' advert. If only she'd decided that doing adverts wasn't really her before, eh?

"I have only got 100 per cent to give and all of that goes towards being creative, so I can't really open the doors to all the other things.

"I have so many desires creatively, but I have to tread carefully that I also don't sell myself out personally.

"What you see with me is what you get. I just put my whole energy into the creative side."

Presumably, the lack of even the most stubborn stain of creativity in that Diet Coke ad means that she didn't feel it would eat into that 100%.

You get a free gift and your Nickelback

If you wanted to give away a free Nickelback video, you'd probably be hard put to find anyone who'd want it. You'd need to find some way of identifying those odd souls who might actually think it delightful. Luckily, though, US phone company Sprint have come up with a foolproof way of finding Nickelback fans. Actually, you wouldn't want foolproof, would you? It'd be like make a butchers carnivore-proof.

What Sprint are going to do is tickle Nickelback fans' mobiles as they arrive at gigs, using wifi and bluetooth to offer the download, and to slap it on if they say yes.

Not quite sure how the bandwidth would cope if everyone said 'yes' at the same time - I have a happy fantasy of Chad Ogre trying to start the gig while the audience are saying "hang on, mate... the download is only 3% completed..."

The technology has been used at Def Leppard gigs, too, but the interesting point is that is could also be used for good purposes.

There's only room for one out-of-control maelstrom on a Britney Spears tour

Two roadies who had been working on the Circus Circus Circus tour with Britney Spears have been axed after getting into a lot of silly bother:

Early Thursday morning, Rockey Lee Dickey Jr. and Alex Montes, two employees of one of the companies contracted to provide equipment for the Circus Starring Britney Spears tour, were picked up by Pittsburgh police for aggravated assault, E! News confirms. Spears is set to perform in the Pennsylvania city Friday evening.

According to a statement from the police, officers saw Dickey, 34, in a physical altercation with a 30-year-old male, reportedly named Matthew Boyle. When they approached, Dickey allegedly swung at the officer and Montes, 23, attempted to intervene, placing another officer in a headlock.

The wrath of Spears' management has also been brought down on the pair's head, although somewhat bizarrely channeled through a statement which appears to come from the non-physical entity of the tour itself:

"Neither of the men involved are employees of the tour or Ms. Spears," read a statement posted on the popster's website blog. "The two individuals have since been dismissed by their employer. The Circus Starring Britney Spears tour does not support or tolerate this type of behavior."

Let's hope Britney takes that as a warning, otherwise the Circus might end up without a ringmaster.

Never mind the Soundgarden reunion, here's Tad

Soundgarden? Back together, you say? Only without Chris Cornell, obviously, you say? Come away, children, there's nothing to see here... unless... who stood in for Cornell?

Tad Doyle?

Seattle Weekly enjoyed itself:

Earlier in the evening, I asked a sort of meatwad security guy if Chris Cornell was in the building...I couldn't help but ask, right? Dude goes (with all seriousness) "Chris Cornell, uh..yeah, that's the guy on stage, right?" Terrible. Anyway, their set was awesome.

Surely the first time anyone has confused Tad with Cornell. Possibly the first time anyone has confused Tad with anything other than a challenge to climbers.

Surely, though, there's nothing more frustrating than having Tad doing Soundgarden stuff when, instead, you could have had Soundgarden doing backing on Tad stuff? Stuff like this:

Gary Kemp: Please don't call it True. Please don't call it True. Please don't call it True.

Unusually for a 'pop star signs up to write autobiography' story, the person signing on this time has actually lived enough of a life to make it worthwhile. Gary Kemp has probably timed his deal with Harper Collins right in terms of generating the largest payday, but I can't help wishing he'd been producing his book before the not-entirely-convincing 'we're a big happy family' Spandau reunion.

Let's hope that cheese anecdote makes the final volume.

And it's not going to be called True, either. That would have been obvious and...

John Elliot, popular culture editor at Fourth Estate, acquired world all-language rights to I Know This Much

...oh.

Gordon in the morning: Points of view

Pete Doherty has, Gordon discovers, been invited to write a BBC drama pilot. This doesn't please Gordon:

WHEN I give my cash to the BBC every month for a TV licence I expect it to go to responsible people making top telly shows.

But I was disappointed when I heard that Mr PETER DOHERTY, a fine upstanding member of his local community, was meeting BBC bosses on Tuesday for a job interview.

Sadly the grubby rocker is not in line for a job cleaning the wayward splashes off JONATHAN ROSS’s private urinal at London’s Television Centre.

That would be London's Television Centre in the London's busy Wood Lane, of course.

Gordon has a source, of course:

“He’s seen it all as a hellraising rock star, so they want his experiences written in.”

He’s certainly no stranger to tapping into rich veins, but for very different reasons.

Actually, that did make me giggle.

“Pete was meeting creative chiefs. They’ve commissioned him to write a Skins-style show on the dark side of the music industry."

So, Rock Follies On Drugs, then? Or Jimmy Corkhill Goes To The Roundhouse?

Given Doherty's published works to date, would he really be first choice to write something like this? If you really felt that something like this would be worth doing in the first place? Perhaps they should start him off by adding a bit of mystical, mythical Albiony doodling on the edge of the next scripts for Merlin.

Mistaking the Spandau Ballet reunion for something people might be in the least bit interested in, Gordon follows them to the Groucho Club. And, yes, whoever makes up the HTML pages for the Sun really has titled the page:

Spandau Ballet head an A-list guestlist at London's trendy Groucho Club

London's trendy Groucho Club? You'll have to forgive me, I'm from the provinces - is that anywhere near London's Television Centre?

It seems they really will let anyone in to the Groucho these days, as this awkward photo shows:

Spandau tour boss STEVE DAGGER told of the band’s ridiculous riders, which once featured a cheese board...

Not a cheese board. Oh, what larks. That must have really thrown the promoters for a loop - how on earth would they find something crazy like cheese? Unless there was a small grocer's shop nearby, of course.

Gordon frames his meeting with the Spandau boys by constant references to Yuppies, apparently because they came from the 1980s and he's now seen them drinking champagne.

Downloadable: Bob Mould

Yesterday, what with the return of The Apprentice and photos of Girls Aloud in Mark One versions of fetish wear, you might have missed that Spinner's free mp3 of the day was Bob Mould's City Lights. It's still available for free download today, though. Life - full of second chances. Unless you're that woman off the Apprentice with the Pepsi-logo-shaped mouth, that is.

A different shade of Orange

As their response to the government's Digital Britain report, Orange have offered to build a lovely broadband network and, more interestingly, shouted "oi, no" in the face of proposals for a rights agency to police intellectual property online:

[L]ike many ISPs, it stresses that "the real key to combating unlawful file-sharing and copyright infringement online is (a) education and (b) the development and popularisation of legitimate and compelling content distribution business models."

As James P pointed out, this is the same Orange who sends out those terse letters to alleged unlicensed file-sharers at the request of the big record companies.

Indeed, it seems that even this, Orange is now feeling queasy about:

"This proposed solution, which is still strongly advocated by the music industry despite public statements to the contrary, cuts across basic principles of common law, user rights and ISPs' legitimate commercial interests and would fail a straightforward cost-benefit analysis," Orange said.

To be fair to Orange, the ISPA did push back fairly hard on some of the demands from the BPI, even if in the end it accommodated some of the less wild-eyed ones.

And they're clearly not about to take a digital cop scheme without a fight, either:

As for the idea of a rights agency funded by industry, which would be backed by legislation against persistent illegal file-sharers, the company told Carter it "does not think it is appropriate for it to fund a rights agency that would only be to the benefit of the rights-holders. This would ultimately become an 'anti-piracy tax' on all consumers, whether or not they infringe. Orange does not understand why one industry should be asked to fund the protection of another industry's commercial interests."

Unless by sending out warning letters, of course. But that's more about keeping the record industry quiet than policing their rights.

Showbiz Zoe Dean

Showbiz Zoe, who is now merely Pursuing Other Exciting Opportunities Zoe, has had her vacant former position filled. Stepping in, it seems, will be a chap called Dean Piper.

Dean "is currently Entertainment Editor at Closer magazine, and begins his new position in May."

It must be rewarding for Zoe to know that she's going to be so missed by the Mirror that they're rushing to get someone to pick up her work with such almost unseemly haste. Presumably Closer just can't bear to part with him.

[Thanks to Sarah D]

MM STV VN ZNDT unimpressed by PRML SCRM

Steve Van Zandt, off the Sopranos and out the E Street Band, is not a big fan of Bobby Gillespie. He loves Primal Scream, but Bobby Gillespie? Not so much:

"I tried to get Primal Scream to come over to America several times," he said. "I thought their album before this last one was one of the greatest records in 10 years. I begged them to come over. I had a whole tour for them."

"Their agent talked me out of it," he said. "[The agent] said: 'They can't do 20 shows.' I'm like, 'Come on, man. We do 20 shows a month.'"

"Primal Scream could be the biggest band in the world. They are fantastic when they make rock records – once every 10 years. But they can't tour because of drug problems, or whatever. I don't have patience for it. I'm like, all right, you want to be a drug addict, go be a drug addict. Don't waste my time."

Well... the biggest band in the world seems unlikely; and to be frank, they're at their most ropey when they make their rock records - it's the ones in between that really connect.

And as Jim M observes as he alerts me to the story:

If the intention is to galvanise Gillespie & co. to clean up their act & grab what chances remain for them in the States (debatable, I know), I suspect it will have the opposite effect. Better to be a cliched, tiresome wasted rocker, Gillespie may foolishly surmise, than a side kick to Springsteen:

He only takes the drugs to forget the hairstyle on the cover of Sonic Flower Groove, you know.

Camera Obscura: Plans less obscure

April brings not just the joy of bunnies shaped like chocolate and eggs wrapped in foil that represent Jesus in some way, but also a tour from Camera Obscura. And an album, My Maudlin Career. And a single, French Navy. Which sounds like this:



These would be the tour dates:

Tues 21st April - Academy 2, Newcastle

Weds 22nd April - Club Academy, Manchester

Thurs 23rd April - Shepherd's Bush Empire, London

Fri 24th April - The Assembly, Leamington Spa

Sat 25th April - The Leadmill, Sheffield

Sun 26th April - Barrowlands Ballroom, Glasgow

Weds 29th April - The Stiff Kitten, Belfast

Thurs 30th April - Andrew’s Lane Theatre, Dublin

Elton John lets it lie

Elton John has finally given up his legal actions against The Guardian over a joke about him that he believed did him down:

John had accused [Marina] Hyde of defamation and using a "gratuitously offensive, nasty and snide tone" in the piece.

I know, he says that like that's a bad thing.

Anyway, the High Court struck out his libel claim back before Christmas; last week a written seeking of leave to appeal was rejected and his soicitors were given until today to offer new grounds for appeal. They've decided to not bother. It's not known if the phrase "try and have a sense of humour about it" (or, perhaps, "oh, crawl out of your arse, man, it was a joke") was involved in the decision-making process.

Akon attempts to reposition himself as the first choice when Kanye West is unavailable.

Taking a break from throwing people off stages, dry-humping children and giving kids vouchers for sex toys, Akon has decided to exercise his social conscience:

R&B star Akon has launched a song to commemorate the victims of the slave trade, past and present.

He debuted "Blood Into Gold" at the United Nations, New York, on Wednesday - the International Day of Remembrance of the Victims of Slavery.

He is, of course, on a mission:

"I will do my part to spread the word - a lot of my US friends are not aware of the history [of slavery]," he said.

Really?

"[Slavery] is a big situation for us - the younger generation."

But you just said that a lot of your friends are not aware of it? Although quite what "a big situation for us" means isn't entirely clear, so perhaps the not being aware of it is the big situation.

It's actually a bit of a shame - clearly, Akon is quite genuine about his desire to connect with history, but just lacks any insight or the ability to process any thoughts on the subject at all:

"It's very important for me because it was the slaves that opened the door for me personally.

"Seeing how far we've come, I'm honoured to be a part of it and I will do my part to spread that word.

"As people, we should stop using each other for money purposes."

Perhaps you should find someone else's words to spread, Akon.

Actually he has, as, wisely, the organisers didn't put him in charge of the song:

On "Blood Into Gold" he collaborates with Emmy-award winning musician Peter Buffett, who was asked by the non-profit organisation, Culture Project, to write a song for the "Breaking the Silence, Beating the Drum" event.

Akon summed up his thoughts succinctly:

“You know, when you reflect on slavery, and you reflect on modern day, just how we are living together, this could have never happened, years, you know how we remember it. And just to be moving in a forward light in the future to see Mr. Obama becoming the president, and how far we even took to become a unit as people to make a decision of that, you know, magnitude, it’s just incredible.”

That was the best quote that the UN could find for their press release. At the same event was Niles Rodgers:

“I grew up and I didn’t really have a voice, my mother didn’t have a voice, I didn’t have a voice, and today I walk into the General Assembly. I am standing on stage with people who just to me are amazing and I realize that the power of music and the power of art and the power of dance, gives me the ability to communicate a message that is bigger than I could have ever imagined.”

At the same event was Gilberto Gil:

“One of the obligations of the human race is to constantly struggle for harmony, you know, understanding, balance, peace, and so many, many, many words that we can use to define this necessity, this perennial necessity of being together, living together, taking care together of our planet.”

How was it that Akon ended up being pushed in front of the microphone?

Folding paper: Blender liquidated

Maxim US spin-off Blender, which monthly combined Q style music articles with a cover of a female singer in a push-up bra, has closed, after a long illness.

CEO, Stephen Duggan, said in a company memo that the company was closing Blender with great sadness. "Since 2001, Blender has provided unmatched music coverage and entertainment news in its unique voice to a profoundly dedicated audience of music enthusiasts," Mr. Duggan wrote. "We are particularly grateful to the sales team and to the tremendously talented editorial staff for their hard work and commitment to Blender."

The readership was "profoundly dedicated"? To what? To the magazine? Presumably not, because if they were that dedicated, then the magazine would presumably not be closing?

The most worrying dollop in the entrails: Blender had over three quarter of a million subscribers, and yet still wasn't sustainable.