Pink horses make Pink see red

The people making Selena Gomez's music video insist that painting horses pink didn't hurt them, after Pink (the person, not the colour) spotted the video being made:

P!nk noticed a pink horse and a purple horse on a So Cal beach .... and twittered, "If there are any animal activists around Malibu- at Leo Cabrillo State Beach, there are horses being painted for a stupid music video. Shame."

The pop star continued, "Artists should be more aware and responsible for their actions."

There's a couple of broader points, though - sure, the horses may not have been mistreated, but when you're making pop videos for children, painting creatures sets a bloody bad example. The kiddywinks will see animals painted bright colours and assume that it's okay to paint animals bright colours, and before you know it Tiddles has got half a pot of gloss over him.

More importantly: she's making a video with bright pink horses in. Isn't there even a hint of a taste bar to doing such things?

Darkness at 3AM: Kanye and Elton

The Mirror looks on in Cannes:

Kanye West drives to Elton John party in $1.7 million limited edition Mercedes sports car

You know, Elton would have been just as happy with a bag of chips and a bus trip to the pictures, Kanye.

Gordon in the morning: ... and those who can't, teach

JLS have been spending time with Craig David. (It's not clear why, perhaps he's working as their driver or something.)

CRAIG DAVID has found time in his busy diary to give JLS a masterclass in bedding women.

The Proper Bo singer plied the lads with booze after inviting them round to his bachelor pad in Miami for a chat about pulling girls.

Because, of course, nothing says "active sex life" like having JLS round to drink shandy.

ORITSE said: "We went out for dinner with him. Then we went to his flat to drink a few tequilas.

"There are a lot of pictures of girls on his walls - all over the house. We talked about women loads. He said, 'Just stick with me. I'll take you to all the good places where there are loads of girls.' "

The detail of Craig David living in some sort of flat with pictures cut out of Zoo or Nuts stuck on the wall feels somehow accurate.

Glasgow, you'll have to get by without Pete Doherty this evening

Pete Doherty is back inside after pleading guilty to cocaine possession. But on the not-especially bright side, at least he didn't kill Robin Whitehead. The BBC reports:

Judge David Radford said Doherty had given Ms Whitehead crack cocaine but it was not the cause of her death.

He said: "Police became aware of the relevant evidence because of the investigation which followed the discovery of the sad death of a young woman who had been present at the address where the offences had been committed.

"The offences involved the social supply of crack cocaine in a crack cocaine pipe, which you handed to that person.

"I make it clear though, abundantly clear, that the young woman's death was not caused by that supply of crack cocaine."

Doherty got a six month sentence. His defence lawyer tried to keep him out of jail by arguing that locking Doherty up would cause him to let people down. As if that would somehow be out of character for him.

Little Apples in the air

Apple, agree people who watch the company obsessively, are about to launch their music streaming service (possibly with all four members of the RIAA cartel on board). They've been thinking about it for a long time, claims patently Apple:

In some embodiments, the electronic device could remotely connect to the user's library. In some embodiments, the electronic device could instead or in addition connect to a content source such as (e.g., a content generator or a content point of sale – which could be associated with Apple's iTunes and others like Amazon) to stream the media items. To ensure that devices could only stream media items that the user has purchased or to which the user otherwise has legal access, the content source could require an authentication scheme (e.g., a username and password, or a secure token). In some embodiments, the streamed media items could instead or in addition include missing elements that an electronic device must retrieve and locally store from the user's media library (e.g., remove 3 seconds of every 10 seconds of a media item, such that the missing 3 seconds are retrieved and locally stored on the device from a user's media library).

And to think there were people who thought that compact discs were over-sciencifying listening to songs.

Amazon and Google will mention that Apple aren't the first to market. But then again, the iPod wasn't the first mp3 player to market.

EMI, eMusic come to an agreement

It turns out that having a bank in charge is working out a bit better for EMI. Now the dead wood of Terra Firma are no longer running negotiations, EMI's back catalogue is coming to eMusic.

Bankers might lack shadows, but at least they seem to understand that if you want to sell your music, it's a good idea to have it available where there are customers.

Gordon in the morning: Churning

It's not unusual for Gordon to not bother getting a story, and to have something copied out of a magazine instead, but today is a bit special. The second-lead on Bizarre is just copied out of tomorrow's Sun TV listings magazine. (It's pictures of Michelle Keegan in a nice dress, by the way.)

I know News International is struggling to come up with a cohesive approach to online content, but pinching your own content 24 hours before you publish it is a new one.

Great news for HMV

Well done, HMV - with the agreement of a sale of Waterstones, you've managed to offload the bit of your business that wasn't a total basket-case.

Two directions

Ian Hargreaves' report, publishe yesterday, comes from a standpoint that's familiar - that creative things only happen because creators get financial rewards. It's a world in which the threat of the RIAA - if you stop record labels making money, music will die - is a guiding principle.

However, The Next Web is reporting a start date for Peer-To-Patent UK, a new government scheme which aims to streamline patent law by inviting people around the planet to inspect applications:

You may be wondering what’s in it for these third party experts? Why would they want to feed into the patent examining process? Well, it’s for the same reason anyone in the global community would offer their time and knowledge – it’s for the greater good.

So it looks like the UK Government is now living firmly in a world where it believes nobody will do anything without a clear financial reward, unless it's the UK government who isn't paying any money.

Gordon in the morning: Medical records

There's two things about Richard White's story on Victoria Beckham's birth plan that leads Gordon's caravan off today.

The first is the bloody awful writing:

They have even shortlisted the name Atlanta for their baby girl, due to the hundreds of thousands of airmiles they have notched up flying across the pond.

Posh, 37, had preliminarily booked a C-section at London's private Portland hospital on July 4 - one of the biggest holidays in the US.

More importantly, there's a bigger question of how The Sun knows about all these plans, and why Gordon and Richard thought we needed to know?

Also: Atlanta? If the Beckhams are that frequently flying, why they hell would they be using the Atlanta hub?

Domino Records becomes Domino Radio

Yes, that's Domino Records plotting a week of FM-based radio excitement in London and online.

And you can have a bit of it. Oh, yes:

Then listen up now everybody because Domino Radio invites you all to submit a fine hour of music to us. A great playlist gets an hour slot on Domino Radio. It's that simple.

Of course, if no listener coughs up an hour, they've got some mates in as fallbacks:

Featuring shows by Animal Collective, Hot Chip, The Kills, Franz Ferdinand, No Pain In Pop, Bobby Gillespie, Optimo, Dirty Projectors, Frieze Arts, Robert Wyatt and many others.

It should be an interesting week. Kick off is June 6th.

Aqua back

Aqua - yes, that Aqua - are currently unfurling the slowest reunion in musical history. They reformed in 2007, and have managed a few dates since then. But now, four years into the comeback, they've finally sorted out a comeback single.

They could have tried going a little slower.

Gordon in the morning: James Blunt's favour to his younger self

Don't have sex with famous people, begs James Blunt:

He feels there are folk out there more deserving of a fumble under the covers.

James said: "Aid workers, teachers, doctors, nurses, the military - people who save lives are who you should aim to sleep with.

"Think of it as a reward for what they do for the world."

Military people, you say, James? Weren't you in the army?

It's quite sweet, really: do you suppose his 19 year-old self looked at Will Smith hanging out with sexy people and thought 'if I ever get famous, I'm going to tell the public they should be doing it with soldiers instead'? In fact: do you think that's been his gameplan all along?

In other news, Cheryl Cole is supposedly going to make three movies in Hollywood. You can see why Hollywood couldn't wait to work with the woman from the L'Oreal adverts. I know what you're thinking, but apparently they can add facial expressions and vocal intonation after the shoot.

How radical will the Hargreaves Review be?

Supposedly inspired by Google's insistence to Dave Cameron that they couldn't have started-up in the UK, today Ian Hargeaves' review of intellectual property law will be published.

He's just been on Today talking about it, and an indication of how pointless his findings will be comes from the recommendation that he chose to focus on in the interview. Yes, removing the anomaly that makes ripping CDs you own to iTunes or a Zune illegal is long overdue, but it's hardly a flagship recommendation. It's on a par with when they changed the law allowing people to wave dusters out their house a few years back.

The problem is in Hargreaves' terms of reference, which have been about changing copyright law in order to derive economic, rather than intellectual, benefits. A copyright system which works to allow the spread of ideas will certainly have economic benefits, but one which is cut to fit the existing economy is sure to stifle creative thought.

The Guardian speculated yesterday that Hargreaves might also have something to say about orphan works, with the establishment of a body to represent the vanished parents of these works. Interestingly, Hargreaves didn't mention that this morning on Radio 4 - possibly because the question of 'why should people pay to use material whose owners have let it slide out of their grasp' is almost as tricky as 'what will happen to all this money, then?'

Surely he's not proposing that, while the Treasury is emptying orphan bank accounts into the Chancellor's pockets it also annexes orphan creative works?

We'll find out later today.

France freezes Three Strikes activity

Things getting worse for the French copyright farmers - the operation of the Hadopi (three strikes) organisation has been frozen after the company charged with doing the snooping part, Trident Media Guard, turned out to not have adequate security. The French authorities say they won't work with TMG until this is sorted, and TMG are the only company doing the work.

Making it worth for TMG, TorrentFreak is reporting this morning that not only has TMG lost control of its own data, but also the data it had picked up through its spying activities. Let's hope, for TMG's sake, that there was nothing in the data that shouldn't have been there.

Mel C hails Victoria Beckham: Pioneer

Mel C applauds trailblazing Posh:

Mel C says she's very proud of her former Spice Girls bandmate Victoria Beckham as she has ''broken down a lot of barriers'' in the fashion world with her self-titled label.

Yes, if it wasn't for the tireless struggles of Victoria Beckham, you'd never see a thin, overpaid woman who doesn't smile working in fashion. Thank god she was able to shatter that glass ceiling.

Hiphopobit: M-Bone

Montae Talbert, who as M-Bone was part of Cali Swing District, has been killed.

Teach Me How to Dougie, the band's surprise mini-craze-creation of last summer, owed much of its success to M-Bone's dance. Buoyed by Bieber and Ryan Seacrest having a go at doing the Dougie, the single made 28 on the mainstream Billboard charts.

The 22 year-old had left the studio where Cali Swag District were recording a debut album when he was shot in what reports say was a drive-by incident. The LA Times says he was driven to hospital, where he died.

Gordon in the morning: Is this, actually, a job?

Now that she's been "eased out" of whatever one it was she was on, Dannii Minogue has plans:

FORMER X Factor star Dannii Minogue could return to talent judging - on a rival BBC show.

"Return to 'talent judging'"? "Every time I think I'm out of the game of listening to someone for a bit and then saying 'that moooved me' or 'you gotta focus', they pull me back in again."

It used to be that those who could did, and those who couldn't would teach. Now, those who can't even teach sit behind a table and read scripted quips about how thrilled they were.

I wonder if Cowell has a "Talent Judge Showdown" format up his sleeve?

Don't tell me it's Ovi

Ovi, Nokia's sub-brand which they slapped on to Comes With Music just before they killed that off, is, in its turn, being axed:

The changeover was announced on Nokia's Ovi blog by editor Pino Bonetti.

He wrote: "The main reason for this change is so we can leverage the high-value of the Nokia master brand to better support future plans to deliver disruptive and compelling mobile experiences globally."

The main motivation for the tidying-up, they say, is to make it easier when Nokia rolls out its exciting Windows 7 phones - you can do spreadsheets on them, you know - with all the access to Microsoft's store. Or so they say.

Really, it's because it's a brand that never captured the imagination. Ovi and out.

Tyler The Creator responds to Tegan And Sara

After Sara from Tegan And Sara sighed, and wrote a considered criticism of the soft ride Tyler The Creator has been getting, Tyler has responded.

Obviously, because he used Twitter as his channel to reply, there might be some nuance lost in his self-defence, but let's see what he has to say:

If Tegan And Sara Need Some Hard Dick, Hit Me Up!

Well done, Tyler. That would be exactly it. Clearly, Tegan and Sara don't actually have a problem with a critical community incapable of standing up to the popular kid when he tries to drag us all back to the 1970s. No, the problem is simply that they need a good seeing to by a proper man.

Can we stop pretending that he's a genius of some sort, now, please?

ContactMusic reveal something surprising about James Bond

Here's something I didn't know - Atmosphere and Octopussy share a common creator:

Ian Curtis wrote James Bond? Then how come there was no Bond girl called Joy Division?

(By the way, if you're interested in Hefner's claim, James Bond was created in 1953 and the first Playboy club opened in 1960. The clubs which Hefner stole the idea of "bunny girls" from, though, The Gaslight, opened in 1953, so it's possible Flemming and Hefner both stole the idea from the same place.)

James Morrison forgets

When approaching the production of his next record - yes, he's made another one - James Morrison wanted to forget.

Yes, James, you make us all want to forget.

Speaking at the Sony Radio Academy Awards, he told BANG Showbiz: "It's my favourite piece of work so far, I tried to forget what I'd learned before and do what I wanted to do in the first place, but I didn't have any experience to do."

Sadly, the things he forgot only seem to include technical stuff. He didn't forget where the studio was, or how to switch it on.

Gordon in the morning: Arse

Given nothing to say, Gordon falls back on saying 'look at that, it's Jennifer Lopez's butt:

Lo and behold lads...

That's pretty much it. A big picture of a woman's bottom, and a nudge, and a wink.

Justin Bieber as popular in Hong Kong as the Pro-Cuts march was

Thank God, there are still some places on the Globe that aren't interested in Justin Bieber.

Or maybe already lost interest.

Eurovision 2011: How did Blue do?

It's probably a measure of just how badly Britain has fared in Eurovision in the recent past that "lost deep in the middle of the table" is considered a good result.

But is it really? Not only were Blue trading on their supposed profile and their "being good at this sort of thing" abilities, but they had been plodding round the continent trying to generate warmth and affection.

So, how are people reacting to their performance?

AOL's Eleven UK reminds the band of a pledge they'd made before the event:

Lee Ryan and friends were far from disgraced but they just couldn't compete with, er... Azerbaijan, who stormed into the lead and took home the prize.

The Blue boys had been second favourites to win the singing contest but ended up in 11th place, three spots behind Irish entry Jedward.

So just one question remains - when are you emigrating boys? You did promise, after all.

Oh, yes. The pledge. Talking to the Daily Mail:

‘If we can get a top five place it will be amazing, says Antony, 29. ‘For us it is just great promotion - a way of showing European fans that Blue are back.’

And if it all goes wrong? ‘We’re emigrating,’ says Antony. ‘I’m going straight to Goa,’ adds his bandmate Simon Webbe, 32.

Sorry, Goa.

MTV insist that Blue do us proud. (What's this "us", American?)

How are the defining doing us proud?

Their performance of I Can was well received but after a good start, they dropped back into 11th place. But their final result of 100 points was 10 times better than last year’s result.

So that was the only hurdle we're talking about here? If Blue were able to score more than 10, that was the result we were looking for?

The Guardian's Carole Cadwalladr is a bit more realistic about the much-hyped Jedward-Blue battle:

And yet, as it transpired, the rest of Europe just really couldn't care any less.
[...]
Reasons to celebrate were thin on the ground – Blue finished a really quite poor 11th, and Jedward barely better at eighth – but there were some small crumbs of comfort for opponents of AV. Despite the voting blocs, and the age-old system in which one country votes for its neighbour (with the exception of Ireland who – traitorously, according to the hysterical reaction on Twitter – failed to back Blue) this is what happens when you have, as Eurovision does, an alternative voting system.

The Mail On Sundaytakes national pride where it can find it:

Half of winning Azerbaijan duo Elle and Nikki is mother-of-two from London

Andy Murray thinks he's got it tough with being a British victor or a Scottish failure; imagine either being some weird sort of Eastern European or a half-English winner.

But what did the Mail's Jody Thompson make of the actual British team?

They had put in a brilliant performance of their song I Can, which was written by band members Lee Ryan and Duncan James.

Except, of course, it wasn't; it was written by Ciaron Bell with Ryan and James "helping" in some way.

Jody then takes a massive leap:

Blue meanwhile, who also comprises Antony Costa and Simon Webbe, are among the most successful British artists ever to take part in Eurovision, and were second favourites to win.

Amongst the most successful artists? By coming eleventh? Seriously, Jody?

That's six places lower than Jade managed in 2009; it's lower down the final positions managed by such half-forgotten Eurovision acts as Love City Groove, Francis Ruffelle, Samantha Janus. They matched what was managed by Co-Co.

That's right, Blue's performance puts them on a par with this:

You can hear Time Magazine's William Lee Adams smirking from here:

In the run-up to this year's Eurovision Song Contest, celebrity contestants dominated the headlines and the bookies' odds tables. Britain's boy band Blue — who have sold 13 million records worldwide since 2001 — flew the British flag. And Jedward — the world's most famous set of singing identical twins, who finished sixth on Britain's X-Factor — represented Ireland. But during the grand finale, held Saturday evening in Düsseldorf's Esprit Arena, European voters bypassed all the celebrity hype in favor of Ell & Nikki — two unknowns from Azerbaijan singing a ballad about the madness of love. "I'm just a housewife with two kids," Nikki (real name Nigar Jamal) said at the press conference afterwards. "My only dream was to represent my country."

Surely Jedward are the world's second most famous set of singing identical twins behind Prussian Blue?

Liveblogging for the Telegraph, Neil Midgly thinks he spotted where Blue went wrong:

I can’t help thinking that if Blue had been shirtless on stage, and wearing blue suits in their background pictures, rather than the other way around, they might do better. They’re ever so pretty, but that’s about where it ends, isn’t it? I stick by my pre-show prediction: 17th place for the Royaume-Uni.

He might be right, but I suspect we'd have had more luck if Blue had sat in a house in Wallasey and Ciaron Bell had been on stage.

Still, there's always next year, eh?

[You might like: Eurovision 2011 liveblog]

This week just gone

The most-read stories so far this May, from all-time, have been:

1. Eurovision 2011: Liveblog
2. Morrissey blames Poly Styrene's death for being rude to Dermot O'Leary
3. Seriously? R Kelly, still?
4. Tatu fume about people thinking they're lesbians
5. Tegan and Sara ask why Tyler's getting a free pass
6. The age old question about KT Tunstall
7. McFly without clothes
8. Costa spokesperson Peter Andre opens his own coffee shop
9. What did Mel B make of the death of Osama Bin Laden?
10. Noel Gallagher's powerful wit
This week's interesting new releases were:


Wild Beasts - Smother

Download Smother



Gang Gang Dance - Eye Contact

Download Eye Contact



Okkervil River - I Am Very Far

Download I Am Very Far



Cerys Matthews - Explorer

Download Tir



Miles Kane - Colour Of The Trap

Download Colour Of The Trap



The Webb Sisters - Savages

Download Daylight Crossing



Manchester Orchestra - Simple Math

Download Manchester



The Zombies - Breathe Out, Breathe In

Download Breathe Out, Breathe In



Kate & Annie McGarrigle

Download Matapedia

Eurovision 2011: Liveblog

7.55pm
Bloody hell, one of The Corrs has turned up on Lottery doing a Simple Minds cover. That's not a good omen of anything.

It's an Andrea Corr. She says she's supporting Jedward which, judging by her career trajectory might be a gig billing rather than a tip for tonight.

I guess there's an outside chance that Blue could do well tonight, given that the sort of people who don't like Blue's sort of thing will probably be out.

7.57
A couple of moments in and I'm already on the corrections:

Simple Minds? It's Blue Nile's Tinseltown In The Rain she's done!

Thanks, @sweepingnation

7.58
"Every camp moment" promises the continuity announcement, like a flier for an event which promises "fun for all the family".

Graham Norton announces the theme this year is "feel your heart sink". He might have said beat rather than sink, but having seen the trio of hosts on stage, I think "sink" might be it.

8.00
Graham Norton says the bloke is Germany's Simon Cowell. Looks more like Germany's Rufus Hound, actually.

Stefan frightens me a little.

Ooh! Last year's winner is doing a new song tonight, so she's not doing a reprise of the 2010 winner, but instead our hosts are going to do the song.

Anyone who has seen German light entertainment on a Saturday will know this is actually quite high-end for them.

8.02
Katie Boyle, it's safe to say, would never have got involved in business like this.

The whole thing is, in short, Germany saying "DO NOT VOTE FOR US TO WIN THIS YEAR. IN GOD'S NAME DO NOT MAKE US DO THIS AGAIN". Duly noted, Dusseldorf.

8.03
If they're running late by the end of the show, this will be the five minutes they could have jettisoned. Think on that.

The song has now gone into what's like a sequence from a Persil executive's wet dream.

Bringing on Lene lookalikes is a bit of a duff idea as I don't think any of us remember what she looks like.

Oh, that's what she looks like. Like Natalie Imbruglia's understudy.

Was this song this long last year?

8.06
I'm watching this on iPlayer this year. The BBC Parliament button is starting to look tempting already.

The two women presenters don't like each other, do they?

Their stadium has been turned into a Eurovision temple. You know, temples. Where people with misplaced faith have their hearts ripped out to appease the Gods.

Graham Norton running through the headlines - Dana International couldn't complete her semi and has been knocked out; Jedward, of course, did. Jesus, how bad must Dana's have been?

This year, you can vote as soon as the show starts. Why even go through the pretense of pretending to be voting based on the songs, eh?

8.10
The UK voting system is the sort of sophisticated affair used to elect David Cameron - i.e. there's a bunch of experts who will decide who wins but we can pretend we're taking part.

The phonelines are open. Do we really need to hear the songs, then?

8.12
Finland - Da Da Dum - Paradise Oskar
"I'm going out into the world to save our planet" simpers a boy from the Lower Sixth, singing a song that was clearly the hit of an assembly his school did about ecology.

Paradise has Jedward's hair, and the social conscience of a girl of fourteen. It's like having George Mobiot's child assault you with an acoustic guitar.

He's going to go out and save our planet, which is a big claim from someone who has trouble holding a note.

8.15
In an exciting bit of news, it looks like the official Eurovision server has fallen over

Bosnia & Herzegovnia - Dino Merlin - Love In rewind
Blimey, it's Jasper Carrot and Nadia Swalaha.

The lone trumpeter has clearly decided he's a "character" and is running about the stage like he's actually Gonzo.

This is Opus's Live Is Life played at half speed.

8.19
Denmark - A Friend In London - A New Tomorrow
That's a band name which is a desperate bid to try and swing a few northern European votes, isn't it.

Oh, I see, they're faux cockneys. It's like Danny Dyer bought some hairgel and brought A-Ha in as a backing band.

This song is the sort of thing - down to the title - which would be used in the 80s to advertise Telford New Town. I bet there's a verse about the great travel connections to Europe, and the new leisure centre.

8.22
The official Eurovision site says that when Bosnia's Dino played his semi final, he felt "frightened" by just how enthusiastic the crowd were. Really, Dino? Really?

Lithuania - Evalina Sašenko - C'est Ma Vie
"Straight out of musical theatre" promises Graham. Hurrah!

Oh, that's as in "the sort of song which would make you get up and walk... straight out of musical theatre".

8.25
Don't get me wrong, I like a little Elaine Paige.

Oh, hang about, this has taken a 'theme from Falcon Crest' direction.

What sign language is she doing? Is she signing in Lithuanian sign language, or British?

8.27
Graham's promising a spot of pop now. Duncan from Blue's favourite song is up next, he says.

Hungary - Kati Wolf - What About My Dreams?
Ooh, she's wearing the sort dress that Rachel Riley wears sometimes on Countdown. The sort where she looks really uncomfortable by the first numbers round.

There is a beat to this one. There, damned with faint praise.

Hang about... that colour, in silk, and the way it falls... she's trying to channel this-era Madonna, isn't she?

8.31
Ireland - Jedward - Lipstick
Or that joke really, really isn't funny any more.

The last time a fairly well-known duo did Eurovision, it was Tatu. They pretend to be lesbians.

Oh, God. It's a Pet Shop Boys tribute act doing Doctorin' The Tardis.

8.33
The song actually could be alright in the hands of an act who were in on the joke. Oh, god, can you imagine how long they're going to milk their career if they actually win this?

Get the phone number off the screen, BBC, it'll only encourage people.

Given that Ireland usually try to lose, this could really backfire on them.

8.35
Sweden - Eric Saade - Popular
That song name is a hostage to fortune, isn't it?

Nice to see German TV has found some Swedes who dress up as vikings for the intro film.

Eric is in a box. And in a fetishy t-shirt. And, apparently, in a high school popularity clique.

He's quite pretty. He's not Jedward. Yes, his song is dreadful - it's crawled from the corpse of a Boney M session - but HE'S NOT JEDWARD. Let's throw our weight behind Eric, and his light gay S&M fantasy set.

8.38
Over on Twitter, "Terry Wogan" is trending. Sorry, Graham.

Also, over on Twitter: @louisebolotin:

You people voted for that Jedward crap for weeks. Shame on you, fucktards #eurovision

Estonia - Getter Jaani - Rockerfeller Street
The song name isn't all that encouraging, is it?

And Getter is dressed like one of those sad-faced clown dolls you'd see in frustrated twentysomething women's bedrooms in the 1980s.

Is she actually singing "murder in the first degree"?

Her dancers are hiding behind the building sets. Obviously inspired by Stewart Lee as Godzilla from the other week.

She's got the London Eye in her video back projection. Is everyone desperate for our votes tonight?

Sideways dance up the stairs a la the Stutz Bear Cats there. Always a job open for Getter plugging the Esso Collection.

8.43
Greece - Loucas Yiorkas & Stereo Mike - Watch My Dance
Stereo Mike? Why does that fill me full of fear?

This, of course, is a country that George Osborne believes he stopped us being like, so let's look closely, shall we?

Ooh, the opening is doomy.

Mike is doing the world's most gravelly rap ever.

And now Loucas has come on, with something a bit operatic.

See, this is all you can afford when you've got austerity going on. You have to fashion a song out of whatever bits and pieces you've got left. Greece had a cracking Abba-style song ready to go, but the IMF took it. So, this, instead.

8.47
@mediocredave:

Can you sing? No? Then just RAP ANGRIER!

Russia - Alexey Vorobyov - Get You
Changing his name to Alex Sparrow after this "for the international market", which is a bit like me buying a pair of football boots for when I get signed by Manchester United.

So, it looks like Fonzie is still the absolute primo male archetype in Russia.

Isn't that the rat-faced one from The Apprentice doing backing dancing?

"Come on" pleads Alexey. "I'm coming to get you" he sings, like the sort of stalker who really enjoys the sending of the letters but doesn't really have the energy to go round the stalkee's house.

8.52
France - Amaury Vassili - Sognu
He's singing in Corsican, which at least marks him out as doing something a bit different. And he has a lot of hair. Much, much hair.

The entire continent is now going "isn't this from an actual opera? Does anyone know anybody who knows any actual operas? Is this really a new song" as one.

8.54
And the rest of the continent has that puzzled look you see on University Challenge contestants when there's an opera question: the "I think I sort of recognise this, but it might be anything. Carmen? Figaro? Is there an opera called Bidet?"

The French language is a thing of beauty. Corsica, it seems, got a slightly shitty stick.

8.56
Italy - Raphael Gulazzi - Madness Of Love
Italy haven't taken part in Eurovision for 14 years. Did anyone notice that?

A minor Eastender actor - one of the less popular Moons, or someone who isn't a Mitchell, perhaps - sitting at a piano, singing a slight song as if he was passing a particularly troublesome turd.

8.57
Perhaps they needed another year to come up with something.

It does have a bit of a jazzy ending, though, like the That's Life closing theme.

9.00
It seems like they've gone to adverts. If the Tories have their way, and the BBC is brought to its knees, we'd never get to see these interviews from the green room as we'd be having adverts, too.

Okay, so that's one good thing you can say for Tory broadcasting policy.

Switzerland - Anna Rossinelli - In Love For A While
Apparently, the songwriter found Anna in the streets. Not like that.

The glitteriest dress so far this evening.

It's all a bit 'hello, trees, isn't love wonderful' but, ironically, lacks any heart at all. It's also gone a bit na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

9.03
na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

No time to finish the song, then.

Actually, this is probably the closest we've ever come to a Frente song appearing in Eurovision.

9.05
UK - Blue - I Can
Sending Blue to Eurovision is like turning up on Masterchef with an M&S Meal Deal.

They're all pointing. And have pictures of themselves without shirts on behind them. This is all a bit "yeah... we're Blue. Have you heard of us?"

To which Europe will reply, as one, "did you do that Christmas one with the bells? Stay, or whatever? That was better than this one. Oh, that wasn't you, either?"

Jesus, the large back projections just look so conceited. Not as conceited as the lowness of the crotches in their trousers.

Why is Duncan James wearing a tiny scarf?

9.09
"Surely Blue will do better" says Graham. Not if they can't do better than that.

Moldova - Zdob şi Zdub - So Lucky

It's like somebody got their grans to knit them Devo hats.

And unicyclists!

This is the sort of wacky that Jedward were straining for, but couldn't, because they were trying to be wacky. Zdob ar ebeing deathly serious, aren't they? Like an Eastern European King Kurt kind of serious.

I hope they wipe the floor with Blue, and then steal their hotel keys.

9.12
The trouble with having a unicyclist on stage is that they can only go round and round. It's quite limited as schtick goes.

9.13
Germany - Lena - Taken By A Stranger
Home team. Defending champion. Another stalky-song.

Those skintight catsuits are making me a bit nervous. It's like she's being supported by the people from that grape juice advert.

This song, clearly, got through on the "well, it does nothing for me but she won last year so she must know what she's doing" vote.

9.16
@stebax just suggested 'Tainted Love without the good bits'.

Romania - Hotel FM - Change
Hotel FM? "You're listening to Hotel FM, broadcasting to Travelodges throughout the United Kingdom and Ireland..."

The lead singer is English, but sounds like he's trying to disguise his accent. Presumably because he knows how the Eurovision voters turn on the English.

He looks like someone who might get work as a David Tennant lookalike, on an afternoon when there's a lot of demand for David Tennant lookalikes.

This is the second sub-Disney "let's change the world and make difference" song of the night.

Austria - Nadine Beller - The Secret Is Love
Song eighteen. There are a lot of empty boxes on the scoresheet to come.

Rainbows in the sky. Your big opening has a line about rainbows in the sky.

Ah, I see. Because you think Mariah Carey is some sort of role model.

Still, fair play to her, she's on her own belting it out.

Oh, as I type that, more people rush on to help her.

9.25
Nadine's backdrop has floating diamonds. It's like she thinks she Snoop Dogg.

Azerbaijan - Ell/Nikki - Running Scared
Sadly, the slash doesn't mean we're getting one person with two personalities. I suspect we're not getting two people with one personality between them.

The oh-oh-oh entry bit is quite nice, in a like Enya never happened way.

There's literally nothing to this song, but it's a nice, slight beast. And you've got to love a song with virtually no lyrical content that still doesn't scan properly.

9.29
Just realised what this song is - it's The Lover Speaks, but a diet version of it.

Slovenia - Maja Keuc - No One
By law one intro film every Eurovision has to feature wind turbines. Slovenia has filled the slot this year. Is Slovenia a particularly windy nation?

Maja's dress appears to be made from the remnants of the gun metal used to forge the ships of Slovenia's brave navy. Unfortunately, the song has been made from the leftover bits of Slovenian army's training manual.

9.32
Oh, bugger. Unless something amazing happens in the next five songs, I'm going to vote for men in knitted conical hats with a unicyclist. How on earth did anyone construct an event where that's even a plausible, never mind a desirable, outcome?

9.34
While the rest of Europe gets adverts, we get a host flogging the DVD and CD of the event. Because you can't advertise on the BBC.

Iceland - Sjonni's Friends - Coming Home
Apparently the guy who wrote this died, and so these are his real friends, doing it as a tribute.

You'd have to be a terrible person to hate that, wouldn't you.

Well, it turns out I'm going to hell.

9.37
This is what Sjonni would have wanted. Just keep telling yourself that. (Actually, he would rather than had someone put a bench in his favourite park, and some money donated to the local cat's home. He wrote that down on the back of the bit of paper he wrote that song on.)

9.38
Spain - Lucía Pérez - Que Me Quiten Lo Bailao
Spain last won Eurovision in the year I was born. And I'm bloody elderly.

Three notes in, and their drought isn't going to end.

I don't know what the lyrics are saying, but this sort of tune suggests it should be along the lines of "a square is a shape with four sides/all the sides are the same/if two get longer/then you're meeting an oblong"

9.43
Ukraine - Mika Newton - Angels
With added sand painting. This is where the UK goes wrong - we should have sent Tony Hart along when we had the chance. Even Scooch could have won if they'd had Tony using a line-painting machine to do a giant elephant for the big screen.

Well, the sand painting is alright. But Mika sounds like she's trying to warn ships off the rocks.

"We are angels fearing pleasure" she screeches. Clearly Angel Delight never made it to Ukraine.

9.47
Serbia - Nina - Čaroban
Yes, yes, we get it. You're classic Eurovision. You didn't have to wear the Ready Steady Go earrings, Nina.

Actually, I really like this one.

I'm assuming this is an attempt at classic Eurovision. For Serbia, though, this might just be a 90s revival.

This can't really be the first song of the night to have come with a middle eight, can it?

9.51
Georgia - Eldrine - One More Day
Eldrine sounds like an attempt to create a faux-mythology for a Lord Of The Rings knock-off. Both the name sounds like that, and they sound like that.

It was going well for Eldrine, and then, for some reason, they decided to add the rap bit from 3am Eternal.

Still, kudos to her hairdresser; she's been pouncing around stage like a Evanescence hunting a cat and not a hair out of place.

9.55
And that's it. And the voting lines are open. Erm, still.

10.02
The cats have just been fed. Foil-tray Felix this evening; they're enjoying it more than they enjoyed Blue's entry, I'll tell you that.

Oh, so we're not getting a midway act, just the videos that introduced the bands again? Surely not.

Over on Twitter:
@robinmatthewfry:

Face it, Twitter, you're no Terry Wogan.

@alexmetric:

Ok so based on these clips and my own judging criteria Germany win hands down

Not just no midway act, but Graham Norton reading emails over the videos. Blimey.

10.05
"You can still vote" says Stefan Hound. Well, it's not like you could be arsed to put on a big dance number like last year's hosts did, is it? What else are we going to do?

Presumably Germany feels that having propped up Europe's banking system for so long, it's not going to spring for any more goodies.

10.07
Simon LeBon's come out for Moldova.

And I know you'll be worrying, so here's Ed Balls top three:

My top three: Hungary (9/10); Serbia (8.5/10); then tie - Denmark (8/10) & Switzerland (8/10)... Go Hungary...

No word yet on George Osborne's opinion on the evening, although I think he did just say "pretty sure I can hit Honkers with a bread roll, and I jolly well if he serves any more non-vintage champagne".

10.11
They're counting down to the end of voting.

The lines are closed. There is nothing we can do.

Oh, finally, with the interval act. Graham Norton is basically telling us it's going to be shit before he comes on. What's he called? Anderly? Time Delay?

Apparently he's someone famous in Germany who's just been chosen because he's had a few chart hits. Ridiculous. On that basis, we'd have sent someone like Blue to compete in the... oh, hang on...

10.13
Whoops! He seems to have accidentally come on to do Get Yr Freak On. And come dressed as an on-course bookmaker.

10.17
Terry Wogan is now trending worldwide. As is Serbia, which might be a result of their position in the running order, or is it TWITTERWISDOMPREDICTINGTHEWINNER?

10.20
You've delighted us long enough, sir. Please go back and take some last minute bets on who will win.

There's a new executive supervisor of Eurovision. Presumably after that comedy business the last one did at the 2010 contest.

10.22
They're doing a bit of comedy business. Graham Norton is making "Blue - none" jokes over the top of it. It says something that that feels like a kindness.

10.23
We're about to go into the green room. Oh, they're doing a Berlin Wall reference. That's not getting things out of proportion.

10.25
I'd quite like a sandwich now. But the votes are about to come in. It's like, referendum levels of excitement.

Oh, those poor German dancers are still clad in their condoms.

Voting first, Russia: Represented by Peter Andre in a white hat. Blue get four points, which suggests a so-so performance this year.

Russia's 12 goes to Azerbaijan.

10.27 Bulgaria - It's a Cher tribute act. Blimey, they've given 12 points to the UK. And Lee Ryan kisses the camera.

Oh lord.

Netherlands have a botoxed mermaid doing their scores. Not a thing for the UK.

10.29
Italy, represented by the only person never goosed by Burlosconi.

The German TV people have overdubbed a beating heart on the scores.

And jesus, Blue are in the lead.

Cyprus, represented by Eammon Holmes.

The one piece of soothing balm about the strong showing from Blue is that Jedward are sinking like a one-armed goose in an oil tank.

Cyprus give their 12 to Greece, which even Greece might say was over generous.

Ukraine have got actual Ruslana doing scores. I like Ruslana.

10.33
Finland have got a woman with Marge Simpson's hair - obviously a blonde version. They've given ten to Ireland. Blue get bugger all.

Norway introduce themselves with "Hubba Hubba Europe", which makes me feel violated. One point for Blue.

Armenia's hostess is Angelina Jolie on a tight budget; again Blue get a small pointage which won't help. But so far the voting is all over the place - still wide open right now.

10.37
Macedonia's woman has got a massive corsage. Oh, stop making your own jokes up. They gave 12 points to Bosnia, which resulted in booing.

Icleand is wearing flowers round their head. They gave double the points to Jedward that they gave to Blue. All still quite close at the top.

10.39
Slovakia's host is wearing what appears to be a metallic nude dress. They give 8 to Ireland, which surprised Graham Norton. Nothing for Blue here.

Our local team now, with Alex off The One Show, padding her part, and cheering on Blue. That ship's sailed, Alex.

Jesus, people: you voted for Jedward? Ironically, that puts them close to overtaking Blue.

Denmark have got a governess calling from Copenhagen. Three for Blue, 12 to Ireland.

10.42
Austria's premier Celine Dion impersonator is giving out the scores. Nothing for Blue again. Blue are starting to slide...

I won't hear a thing against Poland's presenter, even if she has come direct from a toga party. To-Ga-T-Ga. Jedward get one point, and are sneaking up the board as Blue are creeping downwards.

10.45
A man! A man! Sweden have sent a man to tell us their scores. Bosnia leap over the UK thanks to their scoring and Ireland get 12. If Jedward rise any higher, I might have to switch my head off.

San Marino greet all their fans. The German host looks like she just wishes he'd get a move on. Azerbaijan are back in the lead; Italy get twelve, and Blue sink another place in the order.

10.48
A build your own Gwen Steffani kit gives Germany's scores - 8 to Jedward, bugger all to Blue. Mid-table is grim for Blue, but coming so far behind Jedward is going to sting.

Azerbaijan's contestant from last year is here with scores - 5 to the UK, 12 to Ukraine.

A restuarant in Slovenia has a waiter take some time off. God, he's singing. And robot-dancing. He's doing a bit of Paul The Octopus business. A joke only twelve months out of date.

10.51
The German hostess looks like her teeth are going to grind down to their stumps by the time the various small European principalities and republics have milked their moments on international TV.

10.53
Turkey, with an airline pilot (or someone who would play one in a Just For Men advert) doing the numbers - 6 to Blue, 12 to Azerbaijan who retake the lead.

"Hello, I'm in the middle of a bitter divorce" screams the eyes of the Swiss presenter. Not a sausage to either the UK or Ireland. I think we can relax our faces now.

Madonna has arrived doing the Greek results. They could have sold their votes, we'd have understood. Hang on, they gave 12 to France. Perhaps they did.

10.57
"It was really amazing" says Ms Georgia, with all the conviction of a Lib Dem minister endorsing Andrew Lansley. Their dozen goes to Lithuania. The rest of Europe had forgotten they had even turned up.

The largest hair on a male head ever seen is perched atop the French man. One to Blue; they gave 12 to Spain, which doubled their score.

The Serbian presenter could kick my ass without damaging her cantilevered hair, and I think I'd enjoy it. 12 to Bosnia.

11.01
Maddi Hayes from Moonlighting is telling us how the Croatians voted. I think we've stopped accepting votes for the UK or Ireland, now. 12 to Slovenia.

Belarus have beaten some scores out of an audience, and a woman standing in a wind tunnel is sharing them with us now. Jedward have been so left behind, they're dripping near to Blue on the scoreboard.

Romania have chosen a motivational speaker to emote the scores. 10 to Azerbaijan, who are still leading, but not comfortably. 12 to Moldova, in their pointy hats.

Albania's one coloured shirt has been provided to the geography teacher doing the scores; 6 to Blue; 12 to Italy. "Thank you, Leon" says the German woman, as if he'd given her something to think about.

11.05
The Maltese judges gave 7 to the Blue and 8 to Jedward; but it was the 12 to Azerbaijan that are significant. That's a fair gap opening up now.

I know times are hard in Portugal, but their presenter appears to be doing it in her underwear. Piddly points to Blue & Jedward; 12 to Spain.

11.07
Hungary looks like they've had a refreshing cold drink, but I suppose it's quite late there. Graham Norton has long since given up showing any interest in how Blue are doing.

Next up, Lithuania in a truly horrible shirt. He looks a bit like Nicky Campbell. Their big 12 goes to Georgia.

Haven't Bosnia already given their scores once? Apparently not. Jedward pick up 2; Azerbaijan get enough to firm their lead - just shy of 200; Slovenia get the 12 and Blue drop to 13th.

Who's doing Ireland? Derek Mooney, is it? Oh, he's put some Jedward hair on. Even Ireland went 'meh' at Blue, giving six points. Denmark got 12.

Graham Norton says Ireland were our last big hope. Only if they'd had 120 points to hand out.

Spain's lady-with-a-bun gives 12 to Italy. They're now in second place, which is fine for a country who've not been near here for years. And who entered a rotten song.

11.13
The Israeli host bloke is midway through a wedding, but breaks off to give 12 to Sweden.

The Estonian woman probably has the longest blonde hair of any score-giver in a crowded field. Sweden get 12, and go second.

The woman from Moldova has made her dress from velour. I don;t think the German directors quite understood who she was giving her 12 to, as it took a while for it move across. Romania, it turned out.

Belguim giggles as they give Greece 8. 12 to France.

11.18
Latvia, stop shouting. Stop shouting. It doesn't matter who she gives her points to, Azerbaijan win. The five votes for Blue just help them scrape 100. And ten to Ireland.

So, Azerbaijan win. Blue languish in the middle of the table, and Jedward will have discovered that their brand of "funny" doesn't travel well.

Graham Norton says its not a humiliation for Blue - really? They're not even in the top 10. That's going to smart a bit, surely. Especially after Lee Ryan kissed a camera.

They're already five minutes late for the news. Poor Lena has had to come out to give the Azerbaijani team flowers. Ell has, somewhat unwisely, started doing the encore carrying the Eurovision Prize.

Somewhat oddly, the Germans are raining toilet roll down from the ceiling.

Now, someone is going to have to explain to Jedward what's happened. They're going to be all cranky tomorrow.

BBC manages to make itself look silly, this time over Palestine

Claims of censorship and pro-Israeli bias are being dumped by the shedload outside Broadcasting House after 1Xtra cut a reference to Palestine in a Mic Righteous freestyle. MediaGuardian reports:

Mic Righteous, who was raised in Margate, was recorded saying: "I can still scream 'Free Palestine' for my pride, still pray for peace, still burn the Fed for the brutality they spread over the world. Pakistan's a[sic] ocean of bodies in the brown water still nobody helps."
[...]
The song was recorded for Charlie Sloth's late night hip-hop show on 4 December, but protests have been mounting since the performance was rebroadcast as part of a "best of" from the show on 30 April.

The Palestine Solidarity Campaign on Wednesday posted a statement on its website urging listeners to write to the BBC and the Radio Times to complain, and to post their views on Sloth's 1Xtra home page.

Describing the edit as an "extraordinary act of censorship", the campaign asked why the BBC did not ban the song "Free Nelson Mandela" when it was released in 1984. At the time, Mandela was still considered a terrorist by many western governments.

Writing letters to Radio Times and muttering that they happily played Free Nelson Mandela when it was out? Is there anyone under 70 at the Palestine Solidarity Campaign? What will they do if this fails to get a reaction - a mass call-up to the Points Of View answerphone?

The BBC, of course, responded with a statement:

Sorry, everyone - yes, this is a bit silly; clearly what's happened her is that in the risk-averse environment at the BBC, someone has decided to err on the side of caution with the end result that a well-meaning attempt to not appear to be endorsing a political position has wound up making us look like we're taking sides. Sorry, we'll try to be a bit more analytical in future.

Sadly, that wasn't their statement. This was:

A BBC spokesperson said a late night music show was not considered an appropriate forum for political controversy.

The corporation explained its decision in a statement: "All BBC programmes have a responsibility to be impartial when dealing with controversial subjects and an edit was made to Mic Righteous' freestyle to ensure that impartiality was maintained."

A late night music show not an appropriate forum for political controversy? Isn't that the best place for airing music that deals with difficult subjects in difficult ways?

French anti-filesharing company hacked wide open

Torrent Freak is reporting that Trident Media Guard, the company employed by the French copyright industry to spy on peer-to-peer networks, has been hacked:

“A virtual machine leaked a lot of information like scripts, p2p clients to generate fake peers, local physical addresses in the datacenter and even a password that could lead to a major global TMG security breach,” French security researcher Olivier Laurelli, aka Bluetouff, just informed TorrentFreak.

You'd think that a company which sells its services protecting other online would be a bit better with its own digital security; it's a bit like discovering the front door of the Yale factory blowing open in the wind.

Eurovision 2011: A sneak hint of what we won't see

The man who holds joint responsibility for writing this year's UK entry to Eurovision hasn't watched the show in years but has broken all sorts of embargoes by revealing something about Blue's act tonight:

[Ciaron] Bell went on to say "I haven't watched the show since I was a child but maybe this will change my mind.

"My favourite moment was Buckz Fizz performing when they ripped the skirts off - but I don't think Blue are planning to do that."

I'm taking this to mean that Blue will be keeping skirts on during the whole length of their song.

That's potentially added a smattering of interest to their act, then.

The song wasn't written with the intention of coming third-from-bottom on a chilly Spring night in Dusseldorf, though:

"It was utter fluke on my part. We weren't trying to write a Eurovision song. We were just writing a good bit of honest pop.

"A couple of the lads [Lee Ryan and Duncan James] wrote the track with us, they are bona fide songwriters."

"Blue were aware that it was a big risk taking part in the competition but as a writer I don't have that much to lose."

Fascinating. They were setting out to write a decent pop song, not a Eurovision entry, and ended up with exact opposite. Funny thing, life, isn't it?

[Assuming Blogger is able to keep it together, and there's not a long queue at Sainsburys, there's going to be a Eurovision Liveblog here tonight.]