Tumblrgem: NSFW

I'm not sure anyone actually asked for this, but here's a Lady GaGa discography via tattoos in gay porn. (Nobody has yet had the Tony Bennet collaboration etched across their butts)

http://yung-ninetales.tumblr.com/post/120799848508/lady-gagas-discography-in-gay-porn-tattoos

What the pop papers said: Shampoo wash Heavenly

From 1992, Shampoo - still in the bit between being fanzine writers and bona fide pop stars - take aim at Heavenly in the NME:

If you're too young to recall 1992: 'Having a go at Sarah Records' was a way of having one foot in the Pop Establishment while making it look like you were an outsider. Shampoo would go on to, erm, help promote the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie.

Taylor Swift goes into reverse

So apparently, when faced with paparazzi and not in the mood, Taylor Swift does this:

There's two problems with this approach: firstly, as the video shows, the paps don't exactly stop taking photos. Secondly, it just means your arse is getting all the attention.

On the other hand, maybe she's just thinking of releasing a cover of this come December:

Noel Gallagher seems to think we want an Oasis reunion

If you were told that Noel Gallagher was issuing demands about the possibility of an Oasis reunion, you'd probably assume he was making threats - "give me a knighthood or I swear we'll do a four-night residency at the Albert Hall", that sort of thing.

Instead, it seems like he's convinced it's a thing people want and is trying to negotiate on that basis:

Tell [McCartney] if he writes our comeback single, it's on. Tell him to write an Oasis track and then we'll talk. I'll just put that out there.

Apparently having pretty much written the entire Oasis back catalogue isn't enough; Noel wants McCartney to actually write a song for Oasis instead of just doing all the groundwork.

Coming tomorrow: Gallagher says that if Ringo Starr agrees to do the clean-up, he'll take a dump on your living room carpet.

Mark Kozelek: Don't mess with Laura Snapes

Mark Kozelek has, sadly, form for coming across like a boor, and he's not learning from his mistakes. This week, he turned his creepy ire on Laura Snapes, who had the temerity to talk to people about him:

Last Monday (1 June), Sun Kil Moon played at the Barbican in London. During the encore, Kozelek introduced a snippet of a new song he had apparently been writing. I wasn’t there, but a friend/colleague was, and phoned me after the gig. I’ve since heard the audio and it made me feel sick. “There’s this girl named Laura Snapes, she’s a journalist. She’s out to do a story on me, has been contacting a lot of people that know me,” he told the sold-out, 1,900-capacity room. Then he started repeating the line: “Laura Snapes totally wants to fuck me / get in line, bitch … Laura Snapes totally wants to have my babies.” The audience clapped and cheered. He played another song, then said he’d only been kidding around before: I was “cute”, “sweet”, “a good kid”. “She’s written some nice things about me.” Then he sang it a few more times before chiding himself. “Better stop before I make Pitchfork headlines for myself again.”

There is, of course, no line of people wanting to have sex with Mark Kozelek, apart from in his head. Kozelek is just an asshat. Snapes would be justified in throwing something heavy at his head; instead, she marvellously takes him down using his own work:

Kozelek trades in sucker-punches. He impugns online “bitching and whining”, but hides behind one-way email exchanges, balks at the idea of his peers speaking about him and issues tirades (and sometimes, sexual advances) from the cowardly remove of the stage, with the get-out clause that it’s a performance. He can use sexually violent language to reduce female critics to the status of groupies, knowing that while male musicians’ misogynist acts are examined for nuance and defended as traits of “difficult” artists, women and those who call them out are treated as hysterics who don’t understand art. “The world don’t owe us shit, I learned that real fuckin’ young,” he sings on Universal Themes’ Little Rascals. If anything remains to separate Kozelek from his work, it’s that his music preaches that the least we owe one another is decency.

Charlotte Church gently pats critics on the head

Whenever a well-off person says they'd rather pay more tax and see better public services, there's an immediate clamour of "why don't you just write a cheque to HMRC, then?"

It happened when Charlotte Church made a call for a more redistributive tax system. But Church is smarter than those who would honk at her. She sighed, and took to Twitter to roll her eyes at them:

I'm disappointed at the vitriol directed my way, if I gave 70% of my earnings to HMRC voluntarily, not only would it not last long as our public services cost 100s of billions to fund but I doubt it would encourage the richest in this country to get a conscience and follow suit. I have no ulterior motives. The injustice and inequality in society that is pushed further by this government makes me as angry as the hulk!

You'd have to be something of an idiot to think you could patronise Charlotte Church.

Could someone please tell Charlotte Church that punitive tax rates fail to raise extra revenues, but damage investment and employment?

— Roger Helmer (@RogerHelmerMEP) June 5, 2015

I think that proves my point.

Ariana Grande against rabies controls

Clearly, Ariana Grande never saw mid-80s Saturday night drama The Mad Death, otherwise she might not be quite so blasé about trying to bring her dogs to Britain.

Not that we're suggesting Grande's dogs would necessarily be rabid, but after P&O refused to let her take the dogs on a ferry, she certainly was. A hapless P&O official tried to explain to her that without the proper paperwork, her dogs wouldn't be able to get into the UK, and... well, Grande isn't used to hearing no, it turns out:

"I begged him to let me go through, he laughed at me and said no again... I kept telling him and showing him again that the dogs were fully vaccinated and were 100% vaccinated in order to enter the UK and then, I screamed!!!," she wrote.

"I had done every ridiculous task he demanded of me... and at this point he said he would call the police and have me arrested if I tried to go through... I told him to call them and to arrest me, because that was the only way I was not getting on the ferry."

Grande doesn't seem to understand how boarding ferries even works from this, but it gets worse for Ariana, as having challenged them to arrest her, they took her at her word. Suddenly, Ariana is getting what she asked for, and she still isn't happy:

She said that after running back on to the tour bus with the dogs, "suddenly, the bus driver appeared and said that there were men outside the bus to arrest me"

"I collected myself, took a deep breath and ran out yelling: 'Take me away with the dogs and I will sue you for abuse and harassment'... I told them that they were wrong, they were targeting Americans, they were abusing their authority... they laughed....

"At this point, one man in a yellow jacket said to me, 'If you take the dogs, when you arrive in Dover, they will be killed!' ... I actually thought I disengaged from my body as tears started streaming down my face, and I felt as if I were losing my mind!!! I told him that they would have to kill me first and we would see what the US embassy would say about that."

"Mr Ambassador? Sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night, sir, but the British Customs people have shot and killed Ariana Grande. Yes, sir, it's a Code Streisand. Shall I do a quick find-and-replace on that statement we prepared the last time Mariah Carey visited?"

Fortunately, a vet was found in Calais who was able to process the proper paperwork, and the American embassy didn't have to face such a nightmare scenario; Grande and her dogs were reunited, and nobody at all had to face this sort of thing:

The most shocking aspect of this horrifying affair? Ariana Grande was catching a ferry.

Akon will power Africa

It's been a while since we've heard from Akon, who once cut a swathe through this blog, upsetting Buddhists, not quite landing a show on Capital Radio, not quite doing a duet with Michael Jackson and throwing people off stage. Oh, and dry-humping a teenage girl on stage and then blaming the parents for letting her go out dressed like that.

However, he's back to delight us again, and this time he's bringing solar energy to Africa. Good Magazine reports:

[T]he singer announced that he would be launching a Solar Academy in Bamako, Mali. The Academy will train local African engineers and entrepreneurs in order to teach them how to produce solar power. The initiative, called “Akon Lighting Africa,” aims to bring solar power to over 600 million Africans.

Lighting Africa noted that solar power electricity and micro-grids are already “really taking off in rural Africa.” The continent, their statement argues, has over 120 days of sun a year, making it that much easier to harness solar power. Akon’s goals are two-fold: both to provide clean alternative energy and great, meaningful jobs. The Academy will help empower people all across educational levels to build the electricity that’s going to light their homes."

It's a good thing to do, of course.

But 'Akon Lighting Africa' is a little at odds with the stated aims - if this is about empowering local people (both literally and figuratively) why does the branding laud Akon?

Still, good luck, Akon. Let's hope its more successful than his last high-profile business venture, Fantrace. That social networking site sank without fans. Or, indeed, trace.

We're Going Places: Nirvana - Taking Punk To The Masses

Seattle's EMP, Gehry-designed like a discarded sheath at the foot of the Space Needle, is a hell of a venue; broadly collecting together popular culture. There's a suspicion that the idea is it's a museum of things that aren't usually in museums, but with most cities with a large young-ish population having tried similar schemes with mixed success, it's not quite as unusual as it might like to think it is.

Amongst the exhibits is a celebration of Nirvana, Taking Punk To The Masses. (Because he spent so much time sharing bills with the band, it's also accidentally something of a history of Tad as well.)

It's not clear who it's aimed at - tubby, balding guys who remember when all this was in the present tense and for whom the explication makes you feel like you've just come round in a hospital and the nurses aren't sure you can remember who you are; or the kids who choose a Nirvana shirt when the Ramones one is in the wash? It falls somewhere between the two, and that makes the lovingly-curated show strain a bit.

There are pieces of the true cross on display - demo tapes, Kurt's stripey green jumper, setlists and smashed equipment. But they're all tucked away in glass cabinets, giving them a reverence that they existed to reject. Like orcas, punk stuff doesn't really thrive in a small, visitor-friendly box and it loses its power. (Sure, I got insanely excited seeing the Fastbacks' name on a flier, but not as insanely excited as I would have done if there had been some Fastbacks actually playing.)

An extensive oral history project sits on a massive screen - pretty much ignored, as these huge screens tend to be; at best prodded for a few seconds before the visitor moves on - and this seems to offer the context and other voices (and the experience) that the static displays miss. It suggests that, really, this might work better as an online project rather than a thing to go to. I would have loved to have spent longer poking about in the fanzine section, but when you're already being reminded the museum closes in a half hour, and there are other people milling about, waiting for their poke at the screen, it's not the time or the place. (This also seems the place where - the walk-ons for Courtney and the odd mention of Bikini Kill excepted - most of the not-male experience seems to have been shunted to.)

Across the way, there's an exhibit of indie video games where visitors are happily playing with the games themselves on numerous large screens. It makes sense - how do you understand the evolution of video games better than by playing them for yourself?

So why didn't this logic not get applied to the Nirvana exhibition? Sure, reading the form letter they sent to fans was fun ("when we're in your home town of _______________ I hope we can hang out with cool people like you"), but nothing in the room felt like it did watching Kurt beyond-dead-panning on Top Of The Pops, or that lurch on the Friday night wwhen the news broke.

Crucially, if there's an argument for having punk (of any era) in a museum, it should be to provide the kick up the arse that all punk did; all punk does. You should leave the EMP wanting to form a band, or do a zine, or even just play a record. Instead, it just makes you want to wander over to the gift shop.

In the middle of the museum as we leave, there's a massive (100 foot? 200 foot?) screen playing a Tacocat performance for KEXP. It feels more subversive than anything in the Nirvana display. That's got to be wrong.

[You might also like:
The Beatles' childhood homes
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame]

"Well, this ranch certainly impressed Suzy and Tim, but can it beat the cottage in the Lake District that Johnnie showed them?"

It feels like Neverland ranch is constantly at the centre of about to be sold stories - even when Jackson was still doing what I guess we can best understand as "sort-of-alive" it was repeatedly being refinanced or eyed as part of a possible firesale, but this time round there's a snooty statement from an auctioneer:

The estate agents have warned off fans hoping to get a glimpse inside the piece of Jackson history, telling the Wall Street Journal anyone wanting to view the property would be subject to "extensive prequalification".
"We're not going to be giving tours," said Suzanne Perkins of Sotheby's International Realty.

I'm not quite sure what the "extensive prequalification" will consist of, but suspect it's going to involve some sort of wallet weighing.

Never Mourn The Buzzcocks

Yeah, it's probably no surprise that, finally, a BBC Two controller has decided that Buzzcocks has delighted us enough and swung the axe.

What is odd, though, is the timing. The series spent a good five years or so post-Amstell years looking like a knackered warhorse; the most recent series, though, with a fixed host in Rhod Gilbert, was still warhorse, but was at least able to break into the odd gallop or two.

What we have, then, is a series that was able to survive having Eamon Holmes pretending to be Elvis Presley as guest host (or whatever the hell that was) but got axed just as it healed itself.

The news, though, is most grim for any drummers from mid-90s indie acts who were looking for an easy way to make a few quid and promote their new self-released album/tour of Shropshire pubs. The easy route of a Buzzcocks line-up has been cruelly wrenched away; it'll be back to sticking fliers under windscreen wipers.

Bookmarks: Mikel Knight

Thanks to @pedro_dee for passing me the link to the alarming story of Mikel Knight and his street teams. It's a business model that appears to cut out all the normal music-related ways of building an audience, and just rushes up to people in the street, browbeating them into buying not very good CDs. It's like a cross between pyramid selling and chugging. The scary thing is, it brings in money - without necessarily worrying too much about paperwork. Or the people involved:

Ky Rodgers says that one night when riding in a street team van, the vehicle was in an accident in Utah, and the van fell off a three-story cliff. Ky was severely injured, and had to be care flighted to a hospital. He broke his L2, L3, and L4 vertebrae, his pelvis and sacrum, and was in the hospital for a week before he was discharged. He claims that Mikel Knight completely abandoned him and the rest of his street team crew, did not pay them, and would not return their personal possessions. Ky was stuck with $38,000 in medical bills, and couldn’t get Mikel Knight to even work with the auto insurance company to take out a claim, if the van was ever insured in the first place. “There was nothing we could do because we never signed anything saying ‘hey, you’re hired!’ He leaves no paper trail, no proof that anyone works for him, and he never withheld taxes from anyone’s pay.”

Knight's response to this, and other allegations, is to post things about "haters" to social media.

If McDonald's staff were paid a decent wage, Man I Feel Like A Woman would never have happened

It turns out that McDonalds pay their staff the least money they possibly can as a service to humanity, and not because they're bastards:

If the food stores paid their frontline workers enough to survive on, Shania Twain would still be working there, a shareholder claimed at the company’s annual meeting this week.

The unidentified man, who said he’d been a McDonald’s investor since 1990 according to BuzzFeed News, used a Q&A session to rattle off a list of successful celebrities like Twain, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, and Hollywood star Sharon Stone who had worked in a McDonald’s earlier in their lives. “I’m sure if they were making $15 an hour, they’d still be working at McDonald’s,” he said, as thousands of current McDonald’s workers protested outside.

"Hi, is that Sharon? It's your agent. I've got you a callback for that TV series... oh, you're only two sessions away from getting one of those little airplane pins for your namebadge? Okay, sorry to bother you. I'll try Meg Ryan as I think the iHop is cutting back on hours right now..."

Eurovision 2015: The public and the juries were split

Away from all the excitement about how a terrible song from Russia could even look like it might win for a short while, there was something different about the points from last night:

It has never happened before that the televote winner was not the overall winner. Eur. public overwhelmingly voted for Rome 2016 #eurovision

— Elainovision Contest (@scattermoon) May 24, 2015

The juries - comprised of people who presumably 'know about this sort of thing' - no longer represent the people who dutifully sit through the whole thing and spend money voting.

And that difference could have made the difference between Britain being totally humiliated, and merely just humiliated:

Australian televote placed UK 9th, but the jury hated it, placing it 18th. That put us in 11th overall, just outside the points.

— StrictlyTweeter Lou (@StrictlyTweeter) May 24, 2015

Digital Spy surprised to discover how TV works

Digital Spy seem genuinely upset to discover that Nigella Lawson wasn't stood on the Southbank at Midnight:

While the UK's five points were nothing to behold, it's always a proud moment to see our capital in the background of the scores presenter during the Eurovision Song Contest.

This year we were treated to Nigella Lawson - who wowed us with her German, Italian and French skills - but unfortunately the London Eye you saw in the background wasn't quite what it seemed...

Yes, we're afraid to report it is indeed a green screen.

Of course, chroma key is common these days but we thought the beloved London skyline might at least be real - ol' Nigella could have been in her living room for all we know.

Actually, the London skyline is real, DigitalSpy; I've been to London at least twice and have seen it in place; it's not just painted on a backdrop by Joe from the Mayor's Office. It just wasn't in the same shot.

Liveblog: Eurovision 2015

7.05pm
It's less than an hour to go until Eurovision starts, and that - on past form - means we're only about six hours of bilingual vaudeville until someone actually sings a song.

Tonight is Eurovision 60, which I find puzzling as it feels like this is at least the ninetieth Eurovision liveblog I've done - the first was when Napoleon won with Able Was I, Ere I Saw Elba which of course went on to be number one for around fifteen years.

The most recent was last year, which was won by Conchita Wurst who has enjoyed the full fruits of victory - a position as an answer on every light-hearted year-end quiz; a return for this year's performance; and the angry glowers of fellow countrypeople who are having to fund the 2015 competition from money they could be spending dubbing Family Guy into German.

It's perhaps just as well that Ireland were knocked out at the semi-final stage; given the sheer joy in the country at voting to tell the Pope to go screw himself ("in favour of same-gender marriage") if they also won Eurovision it's possible they'd never stop trilling with joy.

We'll be back as things get underway - in the meantime, there's this:

Finalist in #OxfordPPE? #Eurovision2015 Discuss. pic.twitter.com/dL9KR57Srf

— Michael Fraser (@drmikefraser) May 23, 2015

7.25pm
While everyone's getting excited about the appearance of Australia in this year's event - I KNOW THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN EUROPE IT'S CRAZY WHATEVER NEXT WILL IT BE LIKE MEXICO OR ATLANTIS OH MY SIDES OH MY DAYS AMIRITE? - let's instead spare a thought for the nation who'll be sat at home, flicking mournfully through the events muttering "could have been us" - Liechtenstein, who were going to debut this year but... couldn't afford it:

1 FL TV, the national broadcaster of the Principality of Liechtenstein has confirmed to Esctoday.com that Liechtenstein will not be participating at the forthcoming 2015 Eurovision Song Contest next May in Austria.

1 FL TV informed esctoday.com that it has no plans to join the EBU at the moment, thus excluding the possibility of participating at the Eurovision Song Contest next year. The broadcaster did state that they are interested in competing in the Eurovision Song Contest, thus we might seen the tiny state enter the competition in the near future.

1 FL TV’s Head of Television Programmes Mr. Petr Kolben informed ESCToday:

We are interested in participating in the Eurovision Song Contest, but at the moment we have to evaluate the costs of the EBU membership. It is very unlikely we will participate in Austria next year.

Maybe they should do a gofundme for next time?

7.40pm
Also not taking part tonight is Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät, who didn't gain enough support in the semis with this:

I suspect that if they'd made it to the wider vote tonight, they'd have done a lot better but the restricted franchise of semi-final voters are a lot less forgiving of noise rock.

7.45
Nick Knowles is doing a Who Dares Wins Eurovision special. Dana and Cheryl Baker are trying to remember as many Eurovision winners as they can - which should be easy for them as they only ever appear on TV programmes with other Eurovision winners.

7.50
There's a musical guest at the lottery draw - because one thing tonight is short of is bad music - in the shape of Rixton. Or Micky Pearce Does Pop Idol.

7.55
Gaby Roslin and Rixton very excited they "wrote for the album as well". One song. And I suspect it's a co-writing credit.

7.58
BBC trailing the FA Cup before Eurovision. Apparently the FA Cup is like Eurovision for dull people.

8.00
"With strobe lighting, this is London calling Vienna..."

Ooh, are they doing it outdoors? Or have they just shoved the classical musicians out in the tent?

"The longest contest to date" warns Graham Norton. Twenty seven acts. Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up glue sniffing.

A lot of circle-related prelude stuff right now. That's the theme of the evening. Looks a bit like a bunch of rejected ideas for BBC One idents.

8.05
"These bubbles are about to morph into a very large ball" announces Graham. We've all been there.

The ball turns out to be the giant thing that used to follow Patrick McGoohan around Portmerrion.

It's very red. Until Conchita appears from a hole in the ground wearing metallic lilac. Was this last year's winning song? Everyone remembers Conchita, but... her song? Hmm...

8.07
The Sugababes take the stage pretending to be the local hosts, while Conchita ascends to heaven. Do all Eurowinners perform an ascension on the day their year as winner ends?

And of course it's the Vienna Boy's Choir turning up now.

Someone else has popped up now. Imagine if Will I Am and Jamiroquoi had a kid. Yeah. That terrifying.

8.10
We're introducing all the countries. They do this in the Olympics, but the Olympics doesn't have to be finished in three and a half hours. DO SOME SONGS.

Not the song done by Jam.I.Am, though.

8.15
Forty countries going to vote, too. Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up heroi... hang on, I haven't given up heroin, have I? Where's my heroin?

In other news, next door are having a barbecue only it smells more like that they've accidentally set fire to their shed. Photos if the fire brigade show up.

They've done a thing on "our social media platforms" with people "building bridges". Cue two minutes of poorly-filmed, compressed to buggery Euro-optimism.

They're meant to be cute but actually look a bit violent - a Russian waterboarding a Turk; someone else throwing paper angrily across the continent at someone else. A lot of tossing of water in people's faces.

8.20
"A very good-humoured competition this year" says Graham. We'll see how good-humoured it is when Cyprus are giving twelve points to Greece.

This year the event is being shown live in China, although there it is called "Western Decadence In Its Most Extreme Ugly Form 2015".

There's an app for voting with. It's like living in the future, isn't it? If, say, you're looking from the perspective of 1998.

First song:
Slovenia Maraaya "Here for You"

She's wearing massive, ugly headphones. Dr Dre product placement.

What is with the headphones? Is she trying to drown out her own song? She does seem to be singing to a totally different tune, so maybe she's got some completely different backing track in there.

Things can only get better from here.

Nigel Kennedy on piano, also wearing massive headphones.

Good work by the wind machine people, I guess.

8.25
France: Lisa Angell "N'oubliez pas"
Don't Forget. A song named after a notepad you might stick on the fridge.

Lisa is stood in front of a backdrop of some sort of natural disaster.
The backdrop is behind some sort of musical disaster.

It's all a little grim. Like, in some alternate history, Vichy France had chosen to enter the contest.

This song actually smells of Gitanes.

A bunch of drummers have turned up wearing apparent flesh-coloured bodysuits.

8.30
Israel: Nadav Guedj "Golden Boy"
From the title is sounds like it could be a Miss Kittin cover, but we're not going to be that lucky, are we?

It's hard to tell with the lighting, but it could be Gary Barlow. Maybe his tax exile status has got out of hand?

Oh, the lights have got better and he looks less like Barlow, more like Mike and/or Bernie Winters. And if either of them did a rap, it'd probably sound like this.

8.35
Estonia: Elina Born & Stig Rästa "Goodbye to Yesterday"
Stig is apparently a big deal in Estonia; he's got a bit of a flop to his hair. Max Beasley with a dash of former Communist steel.

Elina stands behind him, singing like a divorce is about to happen in a 1970s Play For Today.

They're a nice couple, but the song is a bit weak.

United Kingdom: Electro Velvet "Still in Love with You"
On ITV, they're claiming Britain's Got Talent. BBC One is expensively disproving that.

Remember, at the moment they have no points. This may be true by the end of the night, too.

On BBC news earlier, the bloke from the band had a look on his face like someone had just sent him a link to Jive Bunny.

I suppose if each nation has a lot of Bugsy Malone fans, there might be a chance of making it to the top half of the table.

But the stuff to make the dress light up ruined the way the fabric hung.

8.40
Armenia: Genealogy "Face the Shadow"
Possibly the worst name for a band ever. Who do they think they are?

The concierge from a budget hotel and the world's least stagey dominatrix plod through a ballad in a forest.

Hang on, there's a bunch of the S&M D&D fans. Norton suggested Game Of Thrones; it's a bit closer to fanfic Merlin.

And an angry bloke with a beard. Where did he come from?

8.45
Lithuania Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila "This Time"
Monika killed all the birds whose corpses she is currently wearing.

She'd have been great, but the bloke who has turned up with her is a bit of a buzzkill. It's like you thought you were going to be on a date, and she arrived and said "do you mind, I've bought my mate with me..."

Oh, god, they kissed. I suspect this whole event might have been a plot by Vaidas to get to snog Monika.

8.55
I fed the cats during Serbia. Sorry, Serbia:
Serbia - Bojana Stamenov "Beauty Never Lies"
Sounded alright as I went through the room looking for a missing kitten.

Norway: Mørland & Debrah Scarlett "A Monster Like Me"
What is with the girl-and-boy pairings this year? Mostly with the girl appearing over the shoulder of the boy at the end of the first chorus.

Neither of them appear to be monsters, despite the title of the song. They're probably just misunderstood.

The song itself sounds like something Lloyd-Webber knocked out quickly to bring the curtain down at the end of the first act.

9.00
An hour in. This means some people get commercials, and the rest of us get to see entertainment die. These sequences are probably the strongest argument for abolishing the licence fee.

Sweden: Måns Zelmerlöw "Heroes"
No. Not the Bowie one. Although I'd like to see if you could pull off that.

Norton says "electro-folk", but doesn't make it sound like the warning it should be. Like shrugging and saying "yeah, that's horribly radioactive, maybe shouldn't be holding that..."

Oh! He's the guy with the imaginary little friend. And some fake rain.

"We are the heroes of our time" he sings. Although that's setting the bar pretty low, isn't it?

Not that keen on the song, but have a strange urge to find out if Pepsi have just launched a new variant.

Also, the first contestant to pull off wet-look trousers tonight. Or maybe he's just wet himself.

Sidenote: Mans believes that being gay is a "deviation", so he can fuck right off. (He claims it was a 'miscommunication', as homphobes tend to when called on it.)

9.05
Cyprus: John Karayiannis "One Thing I Should Have Done"
The manager of your local building society is having a go at being a pop star. The song's not great but he does have the power to grant up to 97% loan-to-value, so be kind to him.

"I broke your heart/now mine's broken too." You've only got yourself to blame, chum.

Now... Australia
Australia: Guy Sebastian "Tonight Again"
Oh, Guy's dressed like a cricketer on an early morning pre-Test series photocall.

Apparently, if they win, we don't go to Australia next year, but the Australians get to choose which country will host. That's disappointing.

There's some fist-bumps on stage; the song might work if it was being done by an S Club 7.

9.10
Belguim: Loïc Nottet "Rhythm Inside"
The son of the chair of the Governors meets The Tomorrow People.

Oh, he's having a lie-down.

This is the best song so far tonight. But it's not a Eurovision winning song.

(It might actually be a Rhythm Nation-era Janet Jackson song.)

9.15
Austria: The Makemakes "I Am Yours"
The home team. Or possibly Kasabian pretending to be Austrian.

I suspect we're in for something a bit Live And Let Die-y here.

"Apologies for the loss in transmission there, we hope you enjoyed that extract from Top Of The Pops 1978. Now, back to Eurovision."

Ooh, fire on stage for the first time this evening. Because the piano is on fire.

9.20
A quick jaunt backstage while they put the burning piano out.

"Why do we even have a green room?" asks Conchita.

Because otherwise the artists would have to stand outside waiting to come on, presumably?

Greece: Maria Elena Kyriakou "One Last Breath"
That sounds like it's going to be a cheerful one, right?

She's come as Ray Of Light era Madonna.

Luckily, her accompanist has found a piano that isn't burned out. I say "luckily".

Jesus, she's got long fingers. I haven't seen a finger that long that wasn't made out of foam and on the hand of a sports fan.

This is a song that should be angry and booming, but appears to have been sent to anger management and so it just sitting in the corner counting to ten.

Elsewhere:

***BREAKING*** - @TessaJowell supports Australian participation in #eurovision #HeardItHereFirst https://t.co/jmpDTuzh8l

— Iain Simpson (@IainSimpson) May 23, 2015

9.25
Montenegro: Knez "Adio"
We're running out of songs, and there's been nothing truly outstanding yet. Who knew that 27 might be not enough songs?

This is starting with some pleasant relaxy-local-colour-background doodling.

Knez is an evil magician who is attempting to hide his plans to kill us all with trained magic doves by singing ever-so-gently.

You've not fooled me, Knez.

A man made entirely of found human skin. #eurovision2015 #mne

— John Walker-Bee (@botherer) May 23, 2015

9.30
Germany: Ann Sophie "Black Smoke"
Ann, of course, is the runner-up who won default when the other guy didn't want to do it after all.

Ann is stroking herself in a way that clearly is sexier in her head than it is on screen.

I can't decide if she had a dance routine she's forgotten; if she's forgotten she doesn't have a dance routine; or if they've paid a choreographer but been ripped off.

You have to wonder what the third place song in the German qualifier was like. Poor Germany.

Poland: Monika Kuszyńska "In the Name of Love"
Poland next to Germany. That's always a recipe for disaster, if history is a guide.

Lots of drapes. If this piano goes up as well, there's going to be tragedy.

Not sure about the footage of 'before she had an accident' being thrown on screen. What message is that meant to be giving?

The song is no less floaty and formless as the massive curtains at the back of the stage.

9.35
Latvia: Aminata "Love Injected"
Love Injected could be filthy from the title.

This is like something from Bjork's spare hard drive. A slight element of 'Kate Bush goes to the Hitman And Her'. I think I like this one.

9.40
Romania: Voltaj "De la capăt (All over Again)"
I think these are like the Romanian Wurzels or something like that.

They do good work for charity, though, helping kids and that. Which is lovely. But we must be tough. Good deeds butter no Eurovision parsnips.

Oh, Ming The Merciless has turned up trying to fit into his wedding suit.

And using pictures of the children you're trying to help with your charity is just squalid. Really squalid.

9.45
Spain: Edurne "Amanecer"
One day, it'd be great if a singer came on stage and said "shall we take the dramatic, low-key opening as read and just get to the bit where it all kicks in?"

Has she paid that bloke just to hold the end of her train?

Oh, no, he's a dress thief. Blimey.

(I wonder how many times that went wrong in rehearsal. I'd like to see film of that going wrong in rehearsal.)

Hungary: Boggie "Wars for Nothing"
Wars for nothing. Because, like, war - war is stupid. Right? Do you understand?

Ooh. Off-key. I mean, I know the sentiments are fine but... you should try and hit the notes every so often.

This clearly was written for a year ten assembly about history, but somehow got overpromoted.

Felt like the Hundred Years War. About as welcome as another Schleswig War.

9.55
Georgia: Nina Sublatti "Warrior"
Georgia have gone full-on Goth.

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND, STRAIGHT PEOPLE.
*drinks half a bottle of Mad Dog in the park*

I'll level with you: I know this is a tribute to Ruslana, but done with half the gusto, but this year, a misfiring Ruslana tribute is the best we can hope for.

"I've been a danger for too long" goes the lyric, and clearly that's not true, but she's probably made a couple of people on the bus feel a bit jittery in case there's something living in those feathers on her shoulders.

Azerbaijan - Elnur Hüseynov "Hour of the Wolf"
Awkward moment when there was a camera pointing down a woman's shirt, which I hope to god was merely an accident.

Back on stage, there's a guy dry humping the stage. I hope to god it's dry humping, or at least someone can get a mop on before the next act.

The hour of the wolf feels more like a month and a half of a a dachshund.

10.00
Two hours down. How are we all doing, people?

Russia: Polina Gagarina "A Million Voices"
This isn't the song that Harry Hill used to say that he liked the best. Probably more 'a million voices calling out in pain'.

Russia have sent a woman off a box of hairdye. (Shade 23: Uncanny blonde, if you're wondering.)

The drummer is pulling a Steve Coogan face.

The odd thing - if they've got a million voices, couldn't they have found a better one to do the singing?

Went down well in the room. God help us all.

10.05
Albania: Elhaida Dani "I'm Alive"
Well, the good news for Albania is it looks like 1980s hairstyles have just arrived in Tirana.

Elsewhere: Philip Schofield has deployed the Irony Hashtag.

#irony https://t.co/BUK5BvMeL7

— Phillip Schofield (@Schofe) May 23, 2015

10.10
Italy: Il Volo "Grande amore"
Not only almost an anagram of Il Divo, they pretty much are Il Divo. But the good news is that they're closing off the first chunk of the evening.

Hang about. Timmy Mallett.

If you close your eyes, you could just about buy this selling liqueurs during a mid-December ad break on Channel 4.

10.15
Now, the people of Europe will spend the next few minutes voting for the songs they can just about remember through their drunken tears.

The Sugababes have changed from black dresses to white dresses. No expense spared.

"You can't vote for the United Kingdom, because you have self-respect."

Lines open & 36% of UK voters are restrained by their loved ones with screams of "remember what happened last time you voted??" #Eurovision

— Law Geek (@law_geek) May 23, 2015

I've just checked; there isn't an alternative version of this programme on Channel 4 being done by Jeremy Paxman and Louise Mensch. I think Channel 4 have missed a trick there.

10.25
Oh, fuck, it's Drum Theatre.

This is what a cry for help looks like, everybody:

I going for 1. Serbia 2. Sweden 3. Lithuania - Serbia had a fabulous Zedd/Stay the Night 'Reveal' which tipped it.. #BBCEurovision

— Ed Balls (@edballs) May 23, 2015

So, Ed Balls thinks Serbia will win it. Mind you, he believed he'd be doing an emergency budget next week.

This just in:

Given that it doesn't take that long to make a phonecall, does this middle sequence really need to be any longer than the time it takes to dial ten digits plus, say, an extra three minutes for a wee?

10.30
They're still drumming. It's like a polite version of Stomp.

10.35
Another run through of the songs. If you've not voted yet, it's because you are refusing to vote until you can use a postcard or a sealed-down envelope.

10.40
There's only one minute left to vote.

"Europe... Australia... are you ready for the countdown?"
"What am I, chopped liver?" asks Israel.

There's a massive bang at the end of the countdown, which is either intended or that blasting through in Wookey Hole has gone awry.

Conchita Wurst on again, burning off the last goodwill like the brandy on top of a stale Christmas pudding.

10.45
"My whole album's my favourite track" reveals Conchita. Which also suggests they're all equally poor.

Here's a quick public service announcement:

TREACLE STOLEN :( from London Bridge area. Please RT to help find her Could be anywhere now http://t.co/5fZPljEyDH pic.twitter.com/mCb8pN45fX

— *MISSING DOGS UK* (@DOGSMISSING) May 23, 2015

I see Ugly Betty's nephew won Junior Eurovision, then.

10.50
They're counting votes in the background. Galloway demanding a recount.

And we're off to the Green Room.

More Conchita. Very much the 'hey, people like horseradish on their beef, so let's just make an entire bowl of horseradish that's how it works, right' of Eurovision.

10.55
Results at last!
Montenegro more overdressed than any of the contestants.

12 goes to Serbia.

Malta wearing a sensible sweater. There's a grudging one point (the 'dont take away the George Cross) for UK; 12 to Italy.

The scores do an annoying ping like an email coming in which is already more than we need.

Finland does a joke that requires explanation from Graham (without that, just sounds like she's a bit desperate). 12 to Sweden.

11.00
Greece has clearly been drinking. Their 12 to Italy.

UK still has a single point thus far.

Portugal vanishes from the screen so they move on to Romania.

Romania just shows off. 12 to Italy.

At least so far it's not one running away with it.

Belarus are the first nation with a bloke doing the scores. He's in a salmon jacket he picked up from a charity shop this morning.

UK still on one; Belarus give their 12 to Russia. Putin puts the phone back in the cradle and strokes his cat.

(The famous anti-boo technology working poorly now, probably overwhelmed.)

Albania's host has had to break off from serving in a Chuck E Cheese to give his 12 to Italy.

Has nobody been to check on Portugal yet?

Moldova's scores come from an Am Dram version of Dynasty. 12 to Romania, surprisingly.

11.05
Azerbaijan thank Austria for the amazing show. So they're bullshitting even before the 12 goes to Russia.

Latvia's votes come from Nick Tilsley off Corrie with a birdnest on his head. 12 to Sweden.

We still have just one point.

Graham Norton has started to get a bit Wogan on the votes commentary.

Serbia - off the shoulder dress compensated for by hair over the same shoulder.

12 to Montenegro.

So far, Austria, France, Germany and Poland all on zero. Bad days for big Europe.

Estonia vanishes before they can give their scores. Maybe Putin thought they wouldn't give 12 to Russia, and pulled the line?

Denmark are wearing a market leather jacket. 12 to Sweden.

11.10
Switzerland are dressed for a space wedding.12 to Sweden.

Belguim are a David Walliams tribute act. 12 to Sweden.

All this love for Sweden isn't helping best Russia.

11.15
France are immaculately turned out. 12 to Belgium.

Clearly the dropped ones are being pushed to the end.

Armenia are dressed like it was dark when they got ready, and too far from laundry day. 12 to Russia.

Ireland give us a grudging point. That's two grudging points. Strong votes for Sweden & Russia, so the homophobes in Ireland pulled something back. Their 12 to Latvia.

Sweden give 12 to Australia. Perhaps for a joke.

Germany have clearly broken off a bitter divorce to be here tonight.

She just called Conchita half a lady, which was... let's say misjudged, shall we?

12 to Russia.

11.20
Ooh, Australia are about to vote. Sternly.

You'll note we don't even get a grudging one from them. 12 to Sweden.

We're half way through. Looks like Russia might win this. And ElectroVelvet are dead in the water.

They're still convinced the news will be on at 11.35. Good luck with that, BBC One.

11.25
Czech Republic. Ooh, that's the first dress I'd happily wear. But I bet it leaves a pile of shit behind when you sit down.

12 to Azerbaijan.

Spain pad their part somewhat. 12 to Italy.

Austria are dressed like a vice president of mermaids. 12 to Australia.

Macedonia look like they'd pretend to forget their wallet if you went on a date with them.

12 to Albania.

UK still on 2; Germany and Austria on zero.

Slovenia praise the event for making dreams come true. They play their part by giving 12 to Sweden.

The hall now chanting for Sweden - which is odd to see a homophobic singer being given support to avoid having to go a homophobic nation.

Hungary have their entire GDP round their neck. 12 to Belgium.

Now, it's Nigella. She won't pad her part. Although she does have Zoom-Zoom on her breast.

12 to Sweden.

Blimey, we've taken Sweden back to the top.

11.30
Georgia, coming straight off the set of Blakes Seven, and then vanishes.

Lithuania dressed like a cheap choc-ice. 12 to Latvia.

Netherlands better not move too much or there'll be an incident. 12 to Belgium.

Poland have, erm, flowers on their hair. 12 to Sweden.

10 more results to go. (Unclear if that includes the ones we've had to skip).

11.35
Israel are dressed like your Dad. 12 to Italy. Which is what your Dad would have done.

Russia's bloke is trying to not look evil. The joke about giving 12 to Russia goes down like a Soviet tank in an independent state. Actually goes to Italy.

San Marino give three to ElectroVelvet - more than the rest of Europe put together. Their 12 to Latvia.

Sweden are pulling clear ahead.

Italy have stolen your watch. 12 to Sweden.

We've been watching this so long the Sky Box started to go into sleep mode.

11.40
Iceland's 12 to Sweden makes them almost untouchable.

Cyprus have their scores being done by someone who did the news on NBC in the 1970s. Probably wearing the same jacket. 12 to Italy.

Sweden have won. They've called it.

Putin is hoping he can get his deposit back on the conference centre.

Norway have sent a Manic Pixie Dreamgirl to do the scores. 12 to Sweden but it doesn't matter now.

11.45
Second crack at Portugal. They had a chance when voting meant something, you might recall. 12 to Italy.

Estonia are there again, like a bad drawing of Willow from Buffy. 12 to Russia.

Georgia - Blakes 7 lady. 12 to Armenia. And that's it for the voting.

So, Sweden win.

The UK only score five, which is probably five more than we deserved. Austria didn't get a single point in their own living room, which is just rude.

They're dragging out the closing minutes. Which, frankly, they don't need to do.

Conchita hanging about on the edge of the screen, slowly moving off the sides.

God alone knows how damp those trousers will be on the inside after four hours of studio lights and voting.

Midnight
In case you were worried: the neighbours' shed didn't burn down, although there was a mysterious visit from a security firm roughly around when Cyprus was on.

Jack White. Jack White.

Jack White Writes Poem Called 'Music Is Sacred' http://t.co/SK2ejvKrEu

— NME (@NME) May 23, 2015

Of course he has.

Bookmarks: Le Tigre

A photoset from Mike Evans of Le Tigre playing CBGB's in 2000

Bruce Dickinson's air business has wings

Bruce Dickinson out of Iron Maiden continues to prove his credentials as the Freddie Laker of Hard Rock (only successful), as he's expanded to help growth of an African airline:

Now he’s got a new flag carrier role – having signed a memorandum of understanding with Air Djibouti to develop a national airline for the East African nation.

Dickinson signed the deal in his role as founder of Cardiff Aviation, the aircraft repair business he helped set up in 2012. The company is now to manage a European air operator’s certificate for Air Djibouti, find aircraft and provide operational management, and offer maintenance support from its base in South Wales.

This is good news for that nation, good news for Dickinson, and good news for music hall comics:

- I flew in on that new African airline, and I've just been to freshen up
- Air Djibouti?
- No, I just washed my hands and splashed on some cologne

Spotify suddenly obsessed with running

How can you tell Spotify has reached middle age?

It's suddenly started becoming obsessed with keep-fit and the gym.

Yes, as well as adding podcasts and video in the big announcement yesterday (or "moving on from doing one thing well to trying to do lots of things other people already do better", to use the technical term), Spotify kept banging on about running. Like that bloke from the office who had a mild health scare and suddenly started showing up in a tracksuit, thrusting his fitbit under your nose in the breakroom.

Spotify Running. Every week millions of you lace up and hit the road to Spotify.

Yes, we lace up and hit the road. But what about when we get back from travelling corsetry show? What then, Spotify?

Music is the perfect running companion but sometimes you need even more motivation to push on.

I have some sympathy for the poor sod who had to churn this paragraph out, because the announcement is little more than 'you can do something with Spotify and the Nike+ you almost certainly don't own, and we've put together a playlist of some fast songs', but they're having to try and milk a couple of hundred words out of it.

That’s why Spotify Running is all about helping you go the extra mile.

Fortunately for an announcement about keeping fit, although this announcement is packed with words, none of those words contain any calories whatsoever.

We’ve combined the best music on the planet – recommendations based on your listening history, multiple-genre playlists and original running compositions written by some of the world’s foremost DJs and composers – all tuned to your tempo and seamlessly transitioned to ensure you’ll never miss a beat.

"Original running compositions".

You know how that conversation went:
- Hi, foremost DJ, it's Spotify; we'd like you to compose something running for us
- What does that mean, even? I don't think...
- We will give you lots of money - tonnes of the stuff. Loads more than if you were a composer providing the music for our core business, ironically. Lots of money.
- Really? Hang on a moment.
Goes to Mac, drags half-finished song from Trash, renames file 'Hitting The Streets.mp3'
- Sending something across now.

Start running and Spotify will detect your tempo, matching the perfect music in time to your step – making you a harder, better, faster, stronger runner.

I don't know much about running - although I did once get to prance about wearing one of Steve Ovett's Olympic medals - but what Spotify seem to be pitching is a metronome which adjusts down or up to your pace.

Which isn't really what you want in a pacemaker, is it? The idea is that you choose a song, and try to pace your running to that song. If the song switches the pace you're running at, what is the point?

And will the music start lurching around stopping and starting? You're off like a shot and Icona Pop are I Don't Care-ing it, but you suddenly get a stitch and out of nowhere Morrissey appears? Will, should you collapse to the ground in pain, clutching your arm, Spotify notice you've stopped and lob on a Lake Wobegone podcast?

Then Spotify do this:

The new Now experience will begin rolling out today to iPhone users in the US, UK, Germany and Sweden – with more markets and platforms to follow in the near future. Spotify Running will start rolling out to iPhone users globally today.

That’s entertainment.

And, yes, "That's entertainment" links to That's Entertainment.

Spotify spend a long time making a pitch for how they're awfully clever at choosing just the right song for the right moment through algorithms and brilliance, and then illustrate this ability by showing how entertaining they are with a song that is using the word "entertainment" with an irony so bitter they could put it in bleach to stop toddlers accidentally swigging Domestos.

That's entertaining, Spotify, but not how you think.

Rihanna at war with the Boy Wonder

Rihanna has put in a trademark application to allow her to launch a cosmetics range under her real name.

Trouble is, her real name is Robyn, and that's upset DC Comics:

Rihanna’s legal firm, Roraj Trade, originally tried to trademark her name on June 23, 2014, for her new magazine. DC stopped the singer on May 11, 2015. They claimed that the name “Robin” already has his own trademarked products. The company trademarked the name “Robin” in 1995 so he could have his own comic book series and merchandise. Some would argue that Robyn is typically known as a female name.

Surely there's a more pressing problem here - a woman who isn't known professionally as Robyn and a character who isn't spelled Robyn are fighting over a name which...

...belongs to someone who is known professionally as Robyn, and who does spell it like that.

Listen with No Rock: Glockabelle

Meet - if you've not already had the pleasure - Glockabelle. I think this might be the first track I've ever come across which could have the power to give syanathesia to people who aren't synesthesic:



That's the lead track from her new Wolf BBQ EP. I suspect not everyone will like it, but if you do, you'll like it very much.

She's going to be in the UK supporting The Go Team in June before doing some dates elsewhere in Europe. She also has website.

Labour leadership: Not true to you

Never mind Yvette Cooper's sudden realisation that, actually, she always hated Ed Miliband and everything he said, or did, or thought, or liked, or touched, or tasted, or loved, or licked, or coloured-in, or flirted with, or smelled, or drilled, or folded, or applauded, or arrested, or fed from a packet of seed he kept in his pocket, or folded, or bought, or proposed, or endorsed, or Googled, or polished, or filed away for safe keeping, or sang to, or wrapped.

As John Rentoul has reminded us, last year Andy Burnham went cold on The Smiths. In an interview, Burnham talked about how Morrissey changed his life, but:

[But it hasn’t lasted?] I feel that. I play it to my kids [13, 11 and 8] and the only song that they will really relate to is “How Soon Is Now?” And it has a vibe, or a beat, a bit more of the reverb thing going on, but the jingly-jangly yodelling-type lyric does feel a bit trapped in Eighties indy-land.

When you see those early Top of the Pops performances it’s like a historical curiosity. Did they really do that back then? I’m also – a bit predictable again – a huge Stone Roses follower. I was younger when I liked The Smiths and then the Stone Roses came along, ‘89, ‘90, and I was 19, I was old enough to follow them around. I went to the Heaton Park thing in Manchester when they reformed last year and they’ve also got a film out recently. One thing you notice about the Stone Roses is that they are more Everyman. They are less an introverted sixth-form thing, and they are much more the lads in hi-vis jackets, they are everyone’s band in the way that The Smiths never were. The Smiths were always, I’m a student therefore – The Stone Roses [has] a more timeless feel to it, more relevant.

Also, Morrissey's position on thresholds for strike ballots is so anti-business.

Bookmarks: Joy Division

There's a short-but-lovely piece on the Liverpool Echo where Jamie Bowman suggests Joy Division were as comfortable in Liverpool as Manchester:

Warsaw made their debut in the city at Eric's (where else?) on Mathew Street on August 27, 1977, when they supported punk band X-Ray Spex - a gig notable for being drummer Steven Morris's first with the band.

Later that year they were back to play a New Year's Eve party at the Swinging Apple on Wood Street which became the band's last gig as Warsaw.

Charli XCX breaks our heart a little

I'm pretty certain that Charli XCX could write something stratospheric for Justin Bieber, but why would you want to? If you had a song that Justin Bieber could do well, why not give it to someone who could do it better?

But Charli seems to (over)rate Bieber:

"I like Justin Bieber as a pop star," Charli XCX told Billboard at the MGM Grand Garden Arena. "I think he's really, really great. I really love the song 'Baby.' I think it's awesome."

Really?

It's like that Delia Smith gave the okay to instant mashed potato, isn't it?

What do you give the pop star who has everything?

Back in the day, it was easy. You'd send George Michael a teddy bear, or a handmade card, or a shaky Polaroid of your cock, or a hat, and that'd be that.

Nowadays, if you're shopping for a pop star's birthday gift, the stakes are a little higher:

Fans give $61,000 forest to K-pop star for her birthday

To be fair, actually fans bought hundreds of trees as part of an environment project in Iu's name:

Soompi and Allkpop reported that fans who contributed to her gift managed to raise around 5 million won (S$61,000) for the IU Forest Project.

Their environmentally-friendly efforts saw them plant more than 250 types of trees since January so that they were able to give IU her very own forest.

The stakes are raised, Directioners. If you don't get Harry Styles his own estuary, you're not real fans, right?

Brandon Flowers might be slightly wrong

At least Brandon Flowers believes in himself:

"Whether the people want to accept it or not, we might be the best band in the last long time," Flowers is quoted as saying. "I'd go up any night against just about any band that's come out in the last 15 years. Not that it's a competition, but I do feel sometimes people don't have a grasp on what we've accomplished and what we've acquired."

I think people know what you've accomplished, Brandon. A half-decent album; some amusing Christmas special things for Jimmy Kimmel. In Mr Brightside, a song chosen by people who think they're being edgy when they appear on singing talent shows. A sequence of albums where the proportion of acceptability slid from 'half-decent' to 'three per cent alright'.

I think there's around nine thousand bands who could probably crush yours if you went toe-to-toe, but let's just start with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs while you nip off to pick up your coat from the hatcheck, shall we?

Pop stars in reduced circumstances: Gareth Gates

Gareth Gates, once the original Pop Idol. Wonder what he's up to these days?

Playing to standing-room only crowds, that's what. Even if it's not actually the Albert Hall:

TV pop star Gareth Gates headlined a concert for holidaymakers in Burnham-On-Sea on Saturday night (May 16th). The singer, who shot to fame during ITV's Pop Idol, performed at Burnham Holiday Village during a concert as part of a nationwide Haven Holidays tour.

There was standing room only as over 500 spectators filled the park's performance area to see him sing a line-up of hit songs from the past 20 years.

For people struggling to place Gareth, the Burnham On Sea website helpfully points out that "more recently" he was on Dancing On Ice. Which is true. If you don't recall him winning Pop Idol in 2002, you might just recall him coming fourth in Dancing On Ice seven years ago. There's every chance.

The power of having Simon Cowell shape your career.

Bono tries to claim he's a business person, not an arsehole

Having previously attempted to explain his 'do as I say, not as I do' line on tax as being somehow an obligation, high priest of the tax weasels Bono is now suggesting he's merely being sensible:

Asked about his position on tax, he told Sky News that just because he had campaigned for a fairer society it did not mean he had to be “stupid” in business.

Bono said: “It’s just some smart people we have working for us trying to be sensible about the way we’re taxed. And that’s just one of our companies, by the way. There’s loads of companies.”

They're just being sensible. Because minimising your tax bill - or minimisering, if you'd prefer - is sensible.

The trouble with this line is that if you accept it, there's not really any way to object to a UKIP spokesperson saying that foreign aid is expensive, and if we stopped paying any foreign aid we could reduce everyone's tax burden. Because that, too, is a sensible statement. It's also fucking selfish.

When Bono said "it’s just some smart people we have working for us trying to be sensible about the way we’re taxed", what he means is "it’s just some fucking selfish people we have working for us trying to be fucking sensible about the way we’re taxed."

Because you'll note those "smart people". This isn't Bono turning up at a tax place, with one box saying '20% tax' and one saying '80% tax' and choosing the smaller figure. It is people who are working to come up with "smart" ways to avoid paying tax. Bono and U2 are actively trying to avoid paying tax. It's not sensible, it's deliberate. Different thing.

Hang about, The Edge is also keen to not be seen as some sort of rich arsehole avoid taxes:

U2’s lead guitarist, The Edge – real name David Evans – said: “So much of our business is outside Ireland. It’s ridiculous to sort of make a big deal about the fact that we operate outside of Ireland.”

Yes, that's true. A lot of your business is outside Ireland. In a huge part because you channel a lot of your business outside Ireland to avoid paying tax in Ireland. That's not a defence against the charge of tax avoiding, it's the methodology you use to avoid tax:

[T]he Rolling Stones and U2 also channel royalties through the country, and that both bands have an office on Amsterdam’s Herengracht.

It's hard to imagine how U2 could make this any more insulting to our intelligence, but Bono manages it:

Bono added: “And we pay a fortune in tax. Just so people know, we pay a fortune in tax; and we’re happy to pay a fortune in tax, people should."

Bono, when you're discussing how you sensibly avoid paying a fair share of taxes, that might not be the best time to tell people that they should be paying their taxes.

And you might pay a lot in taxes, but don't you dare come round trying to argue that you're doing the right thing by making that amount as small as possible and expect thanks for paying that smallest possible amount.

Your behaviour is legal. Your behaviour is rational.

Your behaviour is selfish.

This week just gone

What interests Facebook users? 2015's most popular stories amongst people visiting from Facebook:

1. PRS hire an investigator who sounds a lot like a sales person [2009]
2. Robin Thicke ripped off Marvin Gaye - official
3. Is the NME about to go free?
4. Of course Kanye West fans know who Paul McCartney is
5. Brits liveblog
6. Shirley Manson crushes Kanye West
7. ... but not everything she says is about West
8. Gennaro Castaldo's top ten spokesings
9. Bo Bruce could be in the papers, speculates story in the papers
10. Kasabian play to the BAFTAs; BAFTAs watch in polite silence

These releases were interesting:


Thea Gilmore - Ghosts And Graffiti

Download Ghosts & Graffiti



Joanna Gruesome - Peanut Butter

Download Peanut Butter



The Fall - Sublingual Tablet

Download Sub-Lingual Tablet



Roisin Murphy - Hairless Toys

Download Hairless Toys