Lily Allen adopts act for American market

Last time she went to the US, it all ended in tears, but this time, Keith Allen's daughter is making an effort. She knows that childish spats with Cheryl Tweedy mean nothing in Boise, so she's trying to start something with Lindsay Lohan instead:

“We went to this club called Les Deux and that was really fun until Lindsay Lohan arrived and had us thrown off our table.

“I know she’s a huge star and all and famous people deserve to sit down especially when they’ve been working so hard, but whatevs.

“Lindsay, our thoughts are with you as you go through this difficult time in your life (she got arrested this weekend). In the words of Timbaland and Timberlake, ‘What goes aroun . . . ”

Fate issued a statement at 6.30am this morning, British time, confirming that, yes, it did arrange the arrest of Lohan as a counterbalance for her taking Lily Allen's table in a nightclub. "It seemed the only way to rebalance the universe" explained Fate, "after all, can you imagine how galling it must be going to some celebrity-stained nightclub only to discover you're trumped as soon as someone people in America have heard of turns up?"