MOVES TO OUTLAW COPY PROTECTION: You do wonder if sometimes record industry execs, washing the spunk dribble from their thighs as the too-young girls teeter drunkenly on their heels round the Cannes hotel bedroom, ever rue the day they decided fuck with the status quo of home copying. Prior to the Metallica whinge, everything had settled into a spot of blind-eye turning that worked in everyone's favour. Yes, copies were made, but it was clear that it was just another way of tunes getting known - it worked in everyone's favour. It was the street-team concept, but without the sickening smell of bomber jacket and cokedust that the officially endorsed enthusiasm squads give off. Since the start of the industry taking on the kids over Napster, however, more and more light has been shone on practices the industry take for granted that may not actually be entirely fair. We've already seen how one part of the fallout has been a question mark being thrown over the legality of record companies taking artists' copyright; now there's an attempt being made to rule any form of copy protection unconstitutional. And they still haven't stopped people who want to swapping MP3 files. But at least you closed Napster, didn't you? Well done...
MSN reports - "... actually, now we come to think of it, home taping didn't actually kill music either, did it?"

QUESTION FOUND IN REFERRING SEARCH TERMS: Why did rock and roll ended?

THE WEAKEST LINK: How come Craig Charles show is being trailed with snippets of a programme that hasn't been broadcast yet? Which implies this is just bits made up for the trail, in which case why on earth didn't he try that "funkiest biscuits baked in the Peak Freans factory" ablib again, because it makes no sense, does it? There is a Peak Freans music link, of course, because there's a line in a Siddeleys song about how "the Peak Freans factory pumping smoke reminds me of the past/ of waking up quite terrified, of always coming last." But somehow I doubt if Craig Charles is going to be playing them...

RE-ARMED: Good to see that Mudhoney are back in action again - I'd assumed they'd been lost in the wave that Nirvana threw up behind themselves as grunge spalttered all over the wall of Kurt's garage, but the older band are still there, just about to release a new album, and - apparently - as vibrant as ever. And not just re-hashing Touch me I'm sick either. Which is screamingly nice.
Mark Arm talks to Rolling Stone

...OR ARE YOU JUST PLEASED TO SEE ME?: Possibly the genuinely most erotic or something band on the planet, erstwhile bsn-person Carmen and her band of rock bears, the Pocket Rockets have got a whole page of their stuff up on the Washington Post. Go download. Then send muffin baskets of thanks.
Washington Post rocks - because you can never have too many Bella Lugosis...
And they're on Teenbeat now, too...

THE MOST EROTIC BAND IN THE WORLD: That's what Akash claims to be, anyway. So we went to their website and MP3.com files to check. They're not, of course - having some tits on your homepage doesn't make you erotic, and the music didn't put me in the mood, but some of the tracks are quite nice in an ambient sort of way. If you're looking to a-woo, you may want to carry on searching, but if you want a bit of goth-cum-indutriallite to fill your office with, they might be worth checking out.

OKAY. FOR ONE WEEK ONLY. AGAIN. WHAT THE POP PAPERS SAY: Because it'll save me having to repeat myself here, lots.
sometimes, choices are hard. Sometimes, not so. GQ has a double cover option this month, but it's a choice between Kirsten Dunst and Jamiroquai. With the possible exception of Denise Van Outen, there's not a person alive who would chose the twat in a hat over the queen of the screen…

Glamour manages to give away a CD that's probably worth about double the cover price alone - Kylie, Dido, that sort of thing. Handy if your sister is having a party. And she reads New Woman…

Britney "wants a pretty wedding" she tells Elle magazine - whereas, of course, Nerve - currently only living online - says she wants to come clean about the state of her hymen. Whatever you feel about Brit, and the to-ing and fro-ing of her love life with the gormless Justin Timberlake (name like a shoe; intellect like a sandal), at least you can accept that she is a proper Pop Idol. She has it. Last week's Guardian Review took the occasion of the release of Shakira's first album in the UK to point out that "it" is precisely what the quartet of Pop Idols lacked - that Will, Darius, Rick and Gareth had none of the swagger, the spin, the glitter, the "look at me" quality that makes Madonna, Britney, Bowie, Jagger more than just people who sing songs. Not that it'll stop the idiots worshipping false idols, but you would have hoped that by now some sort of burning bush would have been sent as a warning. Instead, the column inches on the most unremarkable of singers still roll on; this week, Will outed himself to the News of the World; Gareth said he was brave in the Mirror; and so it goes on. Unedifying. It's probably not surprising that Burchill came out in favour in the Weekend Guardian…

No wonder Justine wanted out. In a wide-ranging interview with the Observer colour supplement, the most respectable of the Britpop generation gave out on why she's given up, frankly and open - except for the bits she didn't want her Observer reading mum and dad to know about…

HMV has started to stock Careless Talk Costs Lives, the Everett True attempt to do for left-field music writing what Mojo has done for rock. And rather fine it is, too - the fact that discovering a six page interview conducted by the former Legend! and the widow of John Lennon gives you a warm, happy glow probably demonstrates what a poor state the newsagent rock press is in. True manages to spend a large portion of his time with Ono musing on how great he is - surely no other journalist in the world would have managed to mention "The shop assistants wrote a song about me" in a piece about Yoko. "I see Everett is back to his old tricks" says the owner of the fanzine archive in another piece (this man has thirteen years of unread zines piled up in his offices, making it not unlike my bedroom), but it would be unfair to describe CTCL as a fanzine - it's got its faults (ET writes too much) but it's still fine, a place where there's space to ponder why Riot Grrl failed ("Some girls just discovered another cute way to dress hot - If it's just about clothes, we've got back to square one") is to be welcomed…

Mind you, the way the Wire has transformed itself from the sort of well-meaning magazine that wishes it didn't just go to WOMAD for the felafel and Peter Gabriel's sets into the house journal of All Tomorrow's Parties suggests there may actually be a whole sector developing here. Two decades in, The Wire has finally dematured. The current issue boasts a fine Sonic Youth blaggers guide, and Steinski doing the listening to records and commenting pieces…

It's perhaps ironic that in the course of this, he talks about the time 'The Motorcade Sped On' was released in the UK - it was an NME covermount, an ep with Sonic Youth and Sly and Robbie. This week's NME comes with an MTV-funded free video, featuring Starsailor and The Hives. Good, but hardly as jaw-droppingly exciting as what we were used to. In addition, both CTCL and Wire draw heavily on old NME and MM staffers - even Savage Pencil is still there, scribbling away. And as you look around you, from Steven Appleby in The Times on Saturday, to Danny Baker on Five Live, Andrew Collins on Six, Stuart Maconie every fucking where, even the odious Burchill - the whole of British Pop Culture has benefitted from the nme's influence. But it's hard to imagine any of the current crop of writers having much to offer in 2022…

One other off-road recommendation - The Circuit has started charging for its magazine, but the admirable former handbook for the New Acoustic Movement has beefed up its content to make good the deal. The current issue - confusingly called Devil's Music on the front page - even comes with a nifty free CD, complete with Giant Sand and The Handsome Family…

Anyway, what has the World's Second Biggest Selling Rock Weekly got for us? A nice piece of bet-hedging, actually, putting the Streets on the cover (so, if they are massive, the paper can claim "we had them on the cover back when they were nothing"), but sealed inside the giveaway bag so that the incredibly ugly bloke won't put anyone off. Is this the first front cover that nobody has ever seen?…

News goes exclusively behind the scenes at the Oasis video shoot - like we can't imagine what that's going to be lie; System of a Down observe "people don't just hijack planes and commit hari-kari without a reason", believe this to be a subversive thought; Michael Stipe is going to do some vocals for Faultline; Marilyn Manson really has blown it, by bothering to do interviews about how his pisspoor version of Tainted Love is coming out on the same day as Gareth Gates' debut single - Marilyn, a real god of headfuck doesn't spend time fretting about the runner-up on a talent show, honey; the NME wants us to spare a thought for poor Asher D because he's in feltham - ah, suddenly conditions in British prisons are meant to bother us because some stage school dipshit is charged in a connection with an incident where its alleged a gun was used to threaten a traffic warden?…

Gossip without balls: NME sells pill to grizzled party person; Svengali sacks starlet for shag shenanigans; pop star's daughter already havinh facials at five…

At last, the nme have number crunched the poll questions, to discover Inspector Frost fans prefer Moulin Rouge; Muse fans started drinking before they were 14 and radiohead fans are the most likely to own a cat…

new band hell: the mars volta - at the drive-in second wave; desaparecidos - destined to be the most miss-spelled Bright eyes side project; span - another nordic rock band…

How much longer did that "how you will you die" poll say you have left to live? Whatever, not long enough for Sum 41 talking about being totally into S&M bars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and Jamie Theakston only popped in to use the phone, you wankers…

What do you know about cocaine? asks the government in a two page spread - incredibly pretty people have things to say, almost certainly written for them by a London advertising executive between lines - "My mate hasn't had any for ages and still gets paranoid" says one - she should, because WE KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES. Apparently a Dave Rowntree lookealike doesn't care as long as he's alright for Monday. You look like Dave Rowntree, son, it doesn't matter anyway. The strap line is "If you're wondering how cocaine causes anxiety or paranoia, call us." Paranoid about illegal drug use? Call the government. Yeah, can't see any problem with that…

Michael Douglas either was interested or fake interested in his band, and he gets excited. He's "never felt scared of fame or beauty." For some things, there is money. For everything else, there is Tim Burgess. He is our pop star…

Northern Uproar's Mike Skinner apparently starts all his anecdotes with "The other night I was really fucked…" but the new album isn't about drugs at all. It's about… um, people taking drugs. Did I say Northern Uproar? Sorry, I meant The Streets. Easy slip to make. If anyone calls them The Garage Northside, he'll pull a blade…

Walter from rival schools does the top ten thingy Pink Floyd, The Smiths, The Byrds. Oh, and Langley Schools Music Project, which is - of course - the current *essential* name to drop, don't you know?…

All new, all dumb reviews section: Albums - The Streets - Original Pirate Material ("ordinary life in he midlands", 9); Ian Dury - ten more turnips… ("what Robbie Williams could achieve if his songwriters had musical blood", 7); Giant Sand - Cover Magazine ("… should frighten off any atray Ryan Adams fans", 6); Ali G - 0ST ("multi-layered", 7)

SOTW is Marilyn manson's Tainted Love. Yes, yes, I've checked twice. It is. Steven Wells fault. Several layers down, Satellite's Lighten up the load is WSOTW. In between: Travis. Apparently Flowers in the window was thought - at first - too soppy to be on the album. Hmmm…

live: Doves in Brighton ( "If Fran Healy isn't worried, he should be"); Tommy & the Chauffeur in Blackwood ("quotes Bill Hicks and still sounds uncontrived"); The Vines at the Freebutt in Brighton ("this year's Strokes"); Foo Fighters in Salt Lake ("snatch the gold in crowd-pleasing")

And, finally, from Angst: "Mike Skinner = John Cooper Clarke." Aaaah. Now we see.
...pop papers... is live, weekly as part of the bothsidesnow list
Careless Talk Costs Lives site
Full versions of nme reviews and articles at NME.com
Glamour have a website, too
The Wire issue listings
Justine Frischmann Observer interview
Nerve on Britney's Hymen

BRIT STRIPPED:Possibly the best thing you'll read about Ms Spears' virginity has turned up in the ever-reliable Nerve magazine, picking up nicely how Brit's decision to try and keep the same demographic (instead of growing old with the audience, a la Madonna) has made her a prisoner a hymen nobody can any longer believe in:
"I remember hearing my seven-year old niece absently singing "Hit Me Baby One More Time" from the backseat of the car. She had no idea what the song meant. The charm of that video was that neither did Britney. The setup was soft-core porn, and it was utterly riveting, because it married a blank, baby face with a bursting woman's body. The mind seemed not to know what the body was doing to its audience (that's the essence of kiddie porn: "I'm being turned on by this underage girl, but it's okay because, look at her, she has no idea") which is why it made parents so uncomfortable, until it was widely reported that Britney was a virgin, a Christian, and a good girl. Don't worry, parents, if your girls love this music, dress like her, want to sing and dance like her, they're in safe hands. Britney's not a perv. She has no sexual longings of her own, and if you think filthy things about her, then you're the one with the problem."
full article in Nerve - Boy, if they had brought soliciting charges against that bloke who offered her cash...

RAPE ME: If you've been as confused as I have by all the various to-ing and fro-ing in the Nirvana court battles, there's a pretty good Chicago Sun-Times piece that updates and sketches out the whole struggle to date. It includes the time that - apparently not at Courtney's insistence - Kurt forced the other two to retrospectively change writing royalties from an even split to 75% for him, 12.5% each for them amongst other things, but also raises the more philosophical question: what IS a band? Should the Kurt musical doodles be released under his name, or the Nirvana banner? While the speculation makes you somewhat queasy - Grunge act turning to International Brand in your mouth - it's still fascinating. Plus, Courtney has got email from Christina Aguilera:
""I got an e-mail from Christina Aguilera. Know what she wrote? 'Na na, wass up?' You know what I wrote back? 'I'm in bed watching an Eleanor of Aquitaine documentary. [Imitates a school teacher:] Do you know who Eleanor of Aquitaine was?' I am not gonna sit there and go, 'Wass up?' That [freaking] Disney tutor should be shot! And Christina doesn't understand why I don't want to sing back-up on her record!"
The piece in full - Frances Bean won't be spoiled, she'll have to work a full *three* months a year. But what will Dunkin Donuts do the other nine?
NP on Six: Lloyd Cole live

SIX UPDATE: We've also learned today that Marilyn Manson played his first gig in an English theme pub in Florida.
One of the nice touches is they do Music News in the way Five Live do sports news - they're leading today on Fatboy Slim being moaned at for saying "E isn't that bad, really"
NP: Pulp - Babies. A rare '92 session version. Woo!

SIX STARTS: Anyone else listening to six music? I dunno if it's perhaps a sad reflection on the state of radio in the UK that a breakfast show which plays Ben Folds Five and Elvis Costello sounds so radical, but it's a start...
Not too sure about Jupitus yet - I think he might thrive a bit more when the listeners turn up and he's got stuff to bounce off. And, of course, it's still the first show, so anything could happen.
NP: What do i get - the buzzcocks (specially recorded version)
The first track was Ash, who won that poll. Jupitus suggested that Ash fans might be better placed to rig a computer based poll. Hmmm. He then played Sex and drugs and rock and roll anyway...
It's mainly online - and 911 on Sky Digital
NP: Offshore Banking Business...

ANOTHER CLOSURE: Shame to hear that Liverpool's second-greatest clubnight, Voodoo (and I mean second to Liquidation, not The Big Supermarket That Is Cream) is going to close in a few weeks, not quite making a decade of cutting edge dance. Doubtless to be the subject of Janice Long fronted documentaries in years to come...
voodoo website - domain name shortly coming free...
Ink magazine reports on the 8th birthday - it all seemed so full of hope back then...

OF COURSE one of the most worrying things about the US imposing tariffs on steel imports is what this means for the Bruce Springstein. "He used to work the steel mills/ but the steel mills almost closed/ though US protectionism and a spot of restructuring guaranteed his job for the mid term" doesn't have the same ring, somehow.

NOT THAT: John Robb, and also not that Gomez, either...

DOTMUSIC SOLD: Dotmusic, which used to be the old Music Week website before the great web boom led Lord Hollick to sniff money and made it all consumer-focused, has been flogged to BT. They apparently want to build on the video and audio parts of the site to encourage people to take up broadband. Hmmm, it might work - BT at least has experience of running that service where you could ring up and listen to a top 30 track down your phone (advertised by a Punk Busby, of course...)

IMUSES BACK FROM LIMBO: Yay... good news... Throwing Muses have reformed. Like, the proper, full, band. Tanya and Kristen. Nothing before 2003, but there are twelve songs in the can already. Aaaaah.
NME reports - mixing already...

SORRY to hear that Tommy Boy have closed. Never really my first choice as a label, but even so...

PHEW: Of course, when bands release new stuff you wait with baited breath - if its an excellent band, you worry that they may have lost it. If it's Oasis, you worry that maybe - just maybe - they've found the spark that made them look as if they could be the band they clearly still think that they are.
Having heard The Hindu Times on Mark & Lard just now, I can breath again. The biggest laughing dog in all of rock still blusters and blows. Imagine George Harrison playing 'Does Your Mother Know?' by Abba on a sitar. Possibly in his death throes. It's now clear why this single took so long to get released - it's so half baked and lightweight, it would have needed jets scrambled to get it down out the sky...

NO SURPRISES: If I thought the Brits were too moribund to even bother mentioning, then I spose I should feel lucky that I'm not Irish. Their music awards yesterday saw everything bar newcomer and female going to either U2 or Westlife. Perhaps the saddest, most shameful prize was that the best Irish pop single of 2001 was, apparently, that cover of Uptown Girl Westlife knocked out for charidee. I'm sorry, but had I been totalling up the votes, and found that on the top, that people had decided the country had produced nothing finer than a one-shot take-off of a Billy Joel song that was irritating when it was first written, I'd have paid off the caterers, written off the deposit on the hall, and cancelled the event.
U2? Again? [BBC] - curse you, Mumba, you have foiled our duopoly...

STILL, MAKES A CHANGE FROM SMASHING GIRL'S FACES IN: Compare and contrast November 6th, 2001
Exclusive: So Solid Harvey speaks out against violence
Harvey from the So Solid Crew has spoken to Radio One for the first timesince the shootings at the London Astoria nightclub. The whole crew were at the venue celebrating Romeo’s 21st birthday last week when it happened - two men are still recovering from their injuries. Harvey told us he is sick of their image attracting unwanted attention and that trouble seems to follow them around. He says none of So Solid are in the business for that reason: “I don’t know what’s wrong with people to be quite honest, I don’t know how you can leave your house with that mentality that I’m going to start trouble or I’m going to shoot someone. It’s quite scary to think, you know what I mean? People are spoiling what is good, we’ve turned a new sound into something big and people want to spoil it.”
versus
Today
Ashley Walters, a member of garage act So Solid Crew has pleaded guilty to a
firearms charge in a London court.
Judge Geoffrey Rivlin QC said the offence was so serious that a substantial custodial sentence was inevitable.
Walters, 29, from Peckham, south London, pleaded guilty to possessing a prohibited Brocock revolver at Southwark Crown Court.
A further charge of possessing the gun with intent to cause fear of violence was ordered to lie on file.
The allegation relates to an incident with a traffic warden in July last year at Canary Wharf, east London.
Prosecution counsel Stephen Holt said that Walters was in his car with his girlfriend, parked next to a meter which had expired.
He said that when Walters was approached by traffic warden Olufemi Onafeko, who asked him to either put money in the meter or drive off, an argument broke out between the two men.
The gun was never shown, but Mr Holt said the traffic warden was so concerned about the defendant's behaviour that he called police.
When an armed response vehicle stopped the car the weapon was found wrapped in a sock in Walters girlfriend's handbag.
Defence counsel Simon Pentol said his client was of previous good character.
The case was adjourned to 25 March, to allow pre-sentence reports to beprepared.
Walters's friends and family broke down in tears when they heared bail had been refused.
Previous to joining So Solid Crew, Walters had acting roles in TV dramas Grange Hill and The Bill.
So Solid Crew went to number one in the singles charts with 21 Seconds last August and they won a Brit award last month.
Still, at least we now know why so many SSC audience members turn up with guns... it's probably because they're scared they'll be shot at from the stage...

HEY! IS THAT WHERE THEY RIPPED THEIR STYLE FROM?: Yes, and now we're pinching text direct from www.ntk.net:
Forget Bob Dylan, Tony Bennett, Billy Joel - the most moving performance at this week's GRAMMY AWARDS came from old-time crooner Michael Greene, President of the National Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences, who waxed lyrical on the subject of the "comfort, solace and sweet celebration" that "the power of music" brings to the world. But then the lighting changed, the backing switched to monks chanting over a gothic trip-hop beat and, striding through the dry ice swirling across the stage, Greene went on to rap about how he'd personally witnessed the hood's darker side, where MP3 fans stole bands' livelihoods "one digital file at a time" - it's "out of control and oh so criminal", he wailed. The number ended with a cautionary tale of three kids he knew who fell in with a bad crowd, downloaded thousands of songs in a Morpheus binge, and are now presumably in the custody of the relevant authorities. Tragically, we don't have an audio recording of this potential floor-filler, but if anyone out there does, wouldn't it make a great remix anthem for our "World Wide Web/ of theft and indifference"? Also, from the way things are going, it sounds like he might just appreciate the royalties.
http://grammy.aol.com/features/speech.html
- been spending most my life/ livin' in a Napster's paradise
- the best bit about the speech is this bit:
Please say hello to Numair, Stephanie and Ed. In just a couple of days they have downloaded nearly 6,000 songs. That's three kids, folks. Now multiply that by millions of students and other computer users and the problem comes into sharp focus. Songwriters, singers, musicians, labels, publishers - the entire music food chain is at serious risk. The RIAA estimates that - now listen to this - an astounding 3.6 billion songs are illegally downloaded every month.
Yeah, but I do believe that some students actually spend some of their time working, rather than just desperately trying to download every song they can find. And one or two users in the UK waiting for Broadband to reach their area and their budget may be gagging at the thought of trying to download a song every minute and a half (which is what three users accessing 6,000 tracks in two days means, of course. And 3.6 billion songs a month? Isn't that everybody in the world downloading six songs a year? Isn't that hugely unlikely?

INTEREST PEAKS: XRRF has had its most popular twenty-four hours - not because of our overview of the Grammys or the Brat awards, but because people are looking for any information on the R Kelly shagging video. Obviously a large number of people are keen to "prove it's not him".

IF IT GETS US ON JUST ONE CHAT SHOW, IT'LL BE WORTH IT:Curious that couple emerge with pictures of their dead, drug raddled daughter the day after Leah Bett's parents suddenly made a random attack on Travis - surely la famille Bett couldn't have been trying to keep their position as the nation's number one drug tragedy family, could they?
Anyway, here we go again: Bright, happy smart girl, "if it could happen to her it could happen to anyone" - really? is that a fact? To *anyone*?, "challenging stereotypes of drug users" - hidden message being "Dammit, this is serious - Middle class children are dying"
Oh, and there's this:
Mr Holcroft said: "There'll be a point in a child's life when someone says 'try that'. They'll be put into a circle where they are encouraged to try things and experiment."
Drug offers being as common as Richard Scarry books, of course.
What's happening here, and with the Betts, of course, is an interesting reaction to grief. The parents try to keep their kids alive by starting a crusade in their name, while simultaneously trying to offload their guilt - it can't have been anything *we* did, it must be something that could have happened to anyone; there must have been a point at which Our Daughter was signed up to become Drug addict.
It's very sad, of course. And as a warning to future drug users, it's pointless. No heroin user is ever going to end up dead with a needle in their arm. Sure, it happens. But it happens to other people.
BBC reports - Don't take drugs, kids - your parents will make a public show of your corpse if you do...

DO YOU THINK I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE GRAMMYS?: Well, for a start I do wonder why the plural isn't Grammies. And why are they 'Grammys" at all? Why not the Grams? Anyway, let's look at what won:
Record Of The Year: Walk On - U2
Hmmm. Well, I'm sure my opinion on Bono doesn't need to be repeated here. Oh, fuck it, I can't help myself - he's a twat, and this is an obvious mistake. As in, it's a mistake to laud U2, but the reasons for doing so are obvious - it allows the US industry to pretend that they're still a radical bunch of outsiders, even although they've gone for the equivalent of an Independent leader column.
Album Of The Year: O Brother, Where Art Thou? - Soundtrack
Curious choice, and suggests something of a cultural-field cringe. Let's take soundtracks seriously - we might make some money from them. Crossover potential. Bridget Jones Diary 2 has to be a favourite for next year.
Song Of The Year: Fallin' - Alicia Keys, songwriter (Alicia Keys)
What can you say? It's a nice enough song, although if this was the best song written in 2001, it suggests that Anita Baker was the emperor queen of the twentieth century...
Best New Artist - Alicia Keys
She writes all her own songs, too. At least you can see what the Grammys are getting at here - unless she overpacks her plane or suddenly starts to smash up her house, it's like Ms Keys has a long career ahead of her. So, while there mayn't be much novelty about her, and she may be a "oh, yeah, her" type of act, she's got potential to still be around in 2022. Mind you, they probably though that about Mariah until she bought the first bikini top.
Pop
Best Female Pop Vocal Performance: I'm Like A Bird - Nelly Furtado
Smelly Fartdildo gets her first award. This is an interesting category - less about being able to sing, more given for showing off, and Nelly is an apt winner. Her "vocal performance" was the aural equivalent of Anya's floor-hogging grandstanding dancing in Once More With Feeling
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance : Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight - James Taylor
Haven't heard this, but I do feel like I have. There really are no mass-appeal solo male artists worth the oxygen, are there?
Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal: Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of - U2
A second trip to the rostrum for U2. Craftsmanship rewarded. All right with the world. Dull as a shit, but right with the world.
Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals: Lady Marmalade - Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink
Do they always have this award, or has it been invented purely to give a prize to this bunch? If it has, good work the Grammy people. Other category titles you could have considered would have been "Idea that looks bad on paper makes ace monster prize" or "Award for persuading Christina to dress like the little whore she undoutably is"
Best Pop Instrumental Performance: Reptile - Eric Clapton
I have never heard this, but then I have only got an estimated forty more years on earth, and that's not enough time to waste on the pocket Enoch and his noodling. Hey - noodling. U2 noodle too, don't they? This must be what the Grammys are set up to award. Nelly Furtardo is a noodler - like Queen of the Singing Noodling, Whitney. It's starting to make sense.
Best Dance Recording: All For You - Janet Jackson
There have been, approximately, sixty five thousand dance tracks released in the last twelve months. This isn't the best of them. Its not even the best Janet Jackson release of the last twelve months. And you can't even swing your booty to it. Its not often I'm prepared to suggest that Fatboy Slim was robbed, but...
Best Pop Instrumental Album: No Substitutions – Live In Osaka - Larry Carlton & Steve Lukather
Eh?
Best Pop Vocal Album : Lovers Rock - Sade
"Sade's back"
"Quick, hide the smack..."
"No, she's clean. She's made a new record. She sounds exactly like she used to."
"Oh. Wasn't that meant to be incredible?"
"Yes. Blimey, she must still be the best pop vocalist around, then, mustn't she?"
Traditional Pop
Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album: Songs I Heard - Harry Connick, Jr.
What is this category all about? Is it some sort of joke at Frank Sinatra's expense. Interestingly, Songs I heard echoes the title of Waste's album, Songs you've never heard. Maybe they should do some sort of swap-cover-tribute deal?
Rock
Best Female Rock Vocal Performance: Get Right With God - Lucinda Williams
Excellent. Someone we love wholeheartedly gets an award. Go, Lucinda.
Best Male Rock Vocal Performance: Dig In - Lenny Kravitz
Normal service resumed quickly. Lenny Kravitz is another one of those people, like Sade, who exist solely to win awards, don't you think? Have you ever met anyone who actually likes him? Thought not. If it wasn't for the secret ballot, he wouldn't exist. Imagine that world for a moment.
Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal: Elevation - U2
Is this the third award so far for a film tie-in? Look, maybe we could co-hire a hall with the Oscars next year, couldn't we...?
Best Hard Rock Performance: Crawling - Linkin Park
Actually, I must admit of all this sort of band, I have the least-hard spot for Linkin Park. Whereas Durst and the boys come across as chancers who are filling a gap in the market, at least the Park sound like they'd be doing this even if it wasn't for the naked fourteen year old sub-breasts they get to sign. This is probably why Crawling does sound like a hard rock performance, rather than an impression of a rock band. Plus, I like the idea of Durst sitting there going "It must be me... must be..."
Best Metal Performance: Schism - Tool
A strange sub-category that honours both Lucinda Williams and Tool, don't you think?
Best Rock Instrumental Performance: Dirty Mind - Jeff Beck
Blimey, are you still going?
Best Rock Song: Drops Of Jupiter
A song by Train, apparently. The band took their name in umbrage when the Bunnymen suggested there was nothing romantic left in America - apparently they thought the train was. Long, lumbering, stuck to a predetermined route, dirty but not in a good way? Strangely apt, isn't it?
Best Rock Album: All That You Can't Leave Behind - U2
No, no it wasn't. Did the form have "U2, or other on it?
Alternative Music
Best Alternative Music Album: Parachutes - Coldplay
Surely the Americans can see that there is nothing alternative about Coldplay? Except, perhaps, in the unlikely sense the award is given to "an acceptable alternative to Travis." I know a British victory should be something to make me smile, and that the fact that had it not been for an incredible amount of patience and rebuilding on the part of the team at Parr Street, the album would have been unlistenable, but for the only alternative prize to go to something so flat, so mainstream, so devoid of ambition or experimentation irks. It's like going to a zoo to see the dangerous cats, and being shown three tabbies climbing bookcases that haven't quite been fixed to the wall.
R&BBest Female R&B Vocal Performance: Fallin' - Alicia Keys
Still, I hope the musical purists have got over the re-assignment of the term "R&B" over the past few years...
Best Male R&B Vocal Performance: U Remind Me - Usher
Oh, Jesus. If I cast my mind back to when this was on the radio every bloody two minutes, I spose I could be honest and say it was well performed. Maybe "Biggest waste of a voice on a piece of paper-light nothingness" instead?
Best R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal: Survivor - Destiny's Child
Again, while its only right that the Child win some sort of award, its curious that this is the one that they've given Beyonce the bunce for. Maybe that Charlies Angels track fell outside the time frame in the US. Maybe the only other option would have been the Christmas album.
Best R&B Song: Fallin' - Alicia Keys, songwriter (Alicia Keys)
all her own songs, you know. Every one. Like Oleta Adams. Okay, bad example. Let's try Tracy Chapman... opps...
Best R&B Album: Songs In A Minor- Alicia Keys
Tanita Tickaram? I know, how about Sade?
Best Traditional R&B Vocal Album: At Last - Gladys Knight
Probably what Gladys said by the time they got to her award, too...
Rap
Best Rap Solo Performance: Get Ur Freak On- Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott
Quiet... shut your mouth... Okay, she's no Roxanne Shante, but she's still impressive as hell.
Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group: Ms. Jackson - Outkast
I'm not sure I'd have called this rap - wasn't most of it sung? Certainly the hook was. The rappy bit ("forever ever ever ever") was ill-conceived and lightweight. A good pop song, but giving it this award is like praising Mr Kipling for his presentation.
Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Let Me Blow Ya Mind - Eve Featuring Gwen Stefani
Curoously, the Grammys panel seem to be on safer ground when they're awarding prizes in what they clearly think of as the 'black' music categories. Either that, or my tastes are as painfully white and co-optive as the awards teams...
Best Rap Album: Stankonia - Outkast
Probably just pipped pink to the post, don't you think?
Country
Best Female Country Vocal Performance: Shine - Dolly Parton
Best Male Country Vocal Performance: O Death - Ralph Stanley
Best Country Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal: The Lucky One - Alison Krauss + Union Station
Best Country Collaboration With Vocals: I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow- Dan Tyminski, Harley Allen & Pat Enright (The Soggy Bottom Boys)
Best Country Instrumental Performance:Foggy Mountain Breakdown - Earl Scruggs, Glen Duncan, Randy Scruggs, Steve Martin, Vince Gill, Marty Stuart, Gary Scruggs, Albert Lee, Paul Shaffer, Jerry Douglas & Leon Russell
Best Country Song: The Lucky One - Robert Lee Castleman, songwriter (Alison Krauss + Union Station)
Best Country Album: Timeless – Hank Williams Tribute
Best Bluegrass Album: New Favorite - Alison Krauss + Union Station
Hmmm... you wouldn't exactly know we were in the midst of the biggest country paradigm shift since New Country, would you? The sort of list of prize winners which wouldn't have looked out of place in 1973, on the whole...
New Age
Best New Age Album: A Day Without Rain - Enya
Much as I dislike Enya, I have to feel sorry for her being poked away in the New Age category - and also for all those Pan Pipe versions of Eminem tunes which would have been in with a shout here otherwise

Best Musical Album For Children :Elmo And The Orchestra - Sesame Street Characters) Ed Mitchell, producer
Apparently Big Bird has just recorded a cover version of I Still Havent Found What I'm Looking For. This is not a joke, either.
Best Spoken Word Album: Q: The Autobiography Of Quincy Jones (Quincy Jones)
Unlcear if this contains the story of him kicking the shit out of Michael Jackson to stop him going "wooo" during the recording of Billie Jean
mposer & lyricist (Original Broadway Cast With Nathan Lane & Matthew Broderick)
Best Compilation Soundtrack Album For A Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media : O Brother, Where Art Thou?- (Various Artists)
Probably a safe bet, as it had been peppering the other categories, and it was, of course, a fine OST. In fact, there have been so many delicious soundtracks recently, there should be a proper awards ceremony for movie music. There probably already is, but, you know, it should be on TV.
Best Score Soundtrack Album For A Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media : Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon- Tan Dun, composer
Joss, get OMWF out soon; if you can't crack the Emmys, there's always the Grammys...
Best Song Written For A Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media :Boss Of Me (From Malcolm In The Middle)- John Flansburgh & John Linnell, songwriters (They Might Be Giants)
... and if this is the level they're expecting, you should waltz away with this category in 03, too...
Best Recording Package : Amnesiac (Special Limited Edition)- Stanley Donwood & Tchocky, art directors (Radiohead)
Wake up, England... the nice library book style box wins a prize. So, at the Brats, Radiohead get a video award, and at the Grammys, it's the CD box prize. Doesn't say much for the quality of the music that they win prizes for everything but...
Best Historical Album: Lady Day: The Complete Billie Holiday On Columbia 1933-1944
"historical" here is a euphemism for repackaging/re-releasing. You can't quibble with Billie Holiday getting a prize, of course, even if you dislike the euphemism...
Best Short Form Music Video : Weapon Of Choice - Fatboy Slim Featuring Bootsy Collins
Dancing Christopher Walken, of course. While it's a good video, it's a bit of a slight idea to award some sort of prize to, don't you think?
If you want to see the full list of winners, including the ones we couldn't hope to have commented on, check out the official site

TRAVIS DROPS ONE, DROPS BOLLOCK When the odious Betts woman has a pop at Travis, you wonder which side you should be cheering for, don't you? Leah Bett's mother has apparently got on her soapbox to attack the blandscots for saying that they'd experimented with virtually every drug. Apparently unable to understand what "experimented with" means (and this woman has spent the last seven years trying to influence drug policies in this country?), she told the Scottish Daily Record "I hope they've stopped taking them." Yes. Experiment means try; Using means regular use. Understand?
But why would anti-drugs campaigners object to Travis saying they take drugs anyway? Surely the thought that you might end up a whey-faced pigeon-chest like Fran Healy is enough to put anyone off the Mitsubishis for life...
NME reports - but they've never done heroin or glue. What sorts of Scots nationalists are they?

R KELLY? NOT ON YOUR NELLY... So, apparently the internet is chock full of videos of R Kelly having sex with a fourteen year old girl. What's great about this story, though, is the reasons people are giving for having the film - "journalistic purposes", "to prove it isn't him", 'we wouldn't care if the girl was 50 - people only want to see it because it's him" - creating the interesting possibility that a film of a person shagging a child isn't kiddie porn providing the person is more interesting than the child...
NME reports - I'd rather not see him with his trousers off at all, ta

FOR ONE WEEK ONLY: Usually, if you want bothsidesnow's What the Pop Papers Say review, you have to be subscribed to the list. But because I wanted to say some things about the Carling Awards, this week I'm folding the mail into XRRF, too. And you can't stop me.
Time magazine's cover this week: Bono. Headline: Can Bono Save The World? Answer: Don't be so fucking stupid. If anyone worried that the cobbling together of the AOL Time Warner megalith would mean that standards at Time would slip, there's your proof. More worrying is the way this gives more puff to Bono's self-importance balloon...

Having closed L&K, BBC magazines are about to launch It's Hot, a junior Heat. Not to be confused with Monkey, the junior Heat being developed by the Heat team, or Hot Stars, the attempt to appeal to the Heat generation that comes with OK! Or, of course, with Star, which was an attempt to make a junior version of Hello, closed by the BBC. So, having closed a junior version of Hello, the BBC are trying to launch a junior version of Heat, which was... um, a twentysomething version of Hello...

This month The Face has Shaggy and Ali G on the cover. What is The Face now? What is it for? Why? Why?...

The nme has The Strokes (or the nme's Jordan) on the cover. And a little picture of Lostprophets saying "move over Linkin Park, we're the zeitgeist" - look, two are giving two fingers, and one is giving one finger. Ooooh, mummy, the zeitgeist is rude...

so, do you know what time of the year it is, janice? It's poll time... here are the winners from the Bra... opps, the Beer-supported NME poll:

Band of the year: The Strokes
Album of the year: Is This It?
Best New Act: The Strokes

Interestingly, though, W**K didn't register in the 'new act' poll. Clearly, the readers aren't DOING AS THEY ARE TOLD.

Best solo artist: Ian Brown

They're taking the piss, aren't they? Ian Brown? What scale are people voting on here - "Hmmm, there's Kylie, PJ Harvey... no, Ian Brown. He's the one..."

Musical Event of the Year: The Carling Weekend

This is what used to be called the Reading Festival, before Vince 'Glasto is safe in our hands' Power sold it as a pot to piss in. The sponsors of the nme awards are... oh, Carling. Strangely, the rival Tenents sponsored T in the Park didn't even make the shorlist

Best Live Venue: Brixton Academy

Is it just us, or does it seem that the NME tends to review more events here than anywhere else?

Best Radio Show: Evening Session

Strange that Christian O'Connell, who was so pisspoor he almost killed Juice singlehanded, was a runner-up

Single of the Year: Ash - Burn Baby Burn

Well, you can argue, but you can't complain

Best Dance Act: Basement Jaxx

Dance you can think to, of course. nmeland's distance from dance illustrated by the appearance of Fatboy Slim in the runners-up

Best HipHop/Rap act: Missy E

Well, duh...

Best Pop Act: Kylie

Also known as 'Smash Hits Poll Winners Party' category

Best Music Video: Pyramid Song - radiohead

No, no, there must be some mistake - radiohead don't make videos, do they? Surely you mean 'Best culturally guying blipvert', don't you?

Best R&B/Soul Act: Aaliyah

"Unfortunately, aaliyah can't be with us..."

Best Metal group: Lostprophets

Two single fingers and vagina symbol in the accompanying photo. No Dursty in sight.

Best film: Moulin Rouge

American Pie II was shortlisted. Does anyone remember when NME readers, um, read?

Godlike genius award: Nick Kent & Pennie Smith

Nick kent must have been delighted to get this. Its like awarding the Nobel Prize for Literature in the middle of the Ronald McDonald Colour-Me-Clown competition prizegiving

Villain of the year: Osama Bin Laden
Hero of the year: New York Emergency Services

By numbers, isn't it?. The album of the year, of course, includes a searing condemnation of New York City Cops. Hmmm.

But we've saved the best 'til last -
Best website: nme.com

stick it up your fucking arse, nme. Any self-respecting organisation would have put their raffle ticket back in the box and insisted it got drawn again...

still, respect to Matt Lucas and David Williams for their indie-piss takes. Lucas as Meg White is uncanny...

other news: nme trumpeting sales rise - "best for five years", they trill. The rises were less than one half of one per cent over six months, and point six percent over the year as a whole. This being a year in which they had no direct competition at all, of course; glasto goes on - strangely, Eavis says he's in charge of the music, and Mean Fiddler in charge of security. Hmmm, but who's in charge of the stuff in between - the markets, the sponsorships, the bits that make money?; Oasis are going to play a gig in some parks in London. Other parks are available, so don't worry; The Doves are the latest band to try to pull the "single available for one day only" scam - no it won't be, deleting it on the day of release merely means that once the large piles left around on shop shelves are finally flogged off, there won't be any more pressed. That is all...

gossip which the hacks couldn't work out who it was about when they read it on popbitch: dance star proposed to his girlfriend cause he didn't want to be left out; welsh stadium rock band writes letters to Teletext when his band are slagged off (gotta be one of the Manics, surely?); over-sized singer smells...

and who do we have in on? american head charge - more nu metal. how splendid; timo maas - some sort of german dance act; jetplane landing - punk climbs from ruins of cuckoo. No women. Kylie, you'll still be needed for next year's awards...

Lostprophets think POD being on CD:UK is evidence of people "coming round to our way of thinking" - which would be, what? We need something to throw to the pack while Fred The Flowerman Durst blows in the wind?...

In the midst of all this, there is Cornershop. A nice piece, they lament the lack of good bands and sound like people who are enjoying themselves. For a moment, you remember why you love music, and the people who make it...

Princess Superstar does the ten-tracks for a CD thingy. She says music should be free, which means you're free to go and pinch bad babysitter from the shop. She also chooses Karma Police and Station to Station. Can she come to tea?...

How do you make a perfect animated group? Asks the NME. How do you fill two pages on a slow week? asks the readers...

"New" section alert - it's The Critics. Which is, um, the reviews section with a slightly different layout. It looks crisper, but - oh, I dunno - somehow more suited to an A4 magazine format than a tabloid. Oh, and they have less words than ever before in them. What do we have, then?

Albums: ...AYWKUBTTOD - source tags & codes ("killing can wait for another day. For now, we dance", 8); Teenage Fanclub & Jad Fair - words of wisdom and hope ("a throwback",6)

Singles. Strangely, the nme are now getting lots of people to do the singles, and they cover two and a half pages. This is very, very wrong. Lots of singles is good, but what value is a single of the week (Hundred Reasons - If I could) when it's been chosen at some sort of random, rather than by someone working their way through the pile of new things? Plus, it means that when two single reviews are linked together, they're actually split up. There is, however, a worst single prize now, and this week it is Jennifer Lopez's remix thing...

live: strokes at leeds uni ("for now, no-one can touch them"); kittie in camden ("it's dark and hell is hot"); Pet Shop Boys at the Astoria ("pedestrian") Um, nothing at the Brixton Academy. Oh...

there are four fanzines in the classifieds - signs of a resurgence (Ok, one is True To You, but...)

I'll bet thats our sean in angst, you know.

SEATTLE: GOOD AT MOPPING UP?: Interesting piece from The Stranger about a singer in a marginally well-known Seattle band (and, before you ask, I have no idea who) who's been accused of rape. The writer Kathleen Wilson details how the local music scene has rallied to close ranks and protect the accused, but in order to raise the question as to why such community is never shown before things have spun out of control. I guess this is true of pretty much any local music scene - there's very little support on offer for people who are heading off the rails (and there are always a lot, music being an industry with an enormous amount of room for failiure, fucking-up and fears, with the added extras of public humiliation and easy-find drugs). Maybe this is something the organisations who attempt to develop music on local or regional bases could usefully be employed to do - rather than buy drums and undermine local promoters by putting on free showcases, why not work on providing some sort of "pastoral" support structure for local musicians? If, say, Merseyside is going to establish itself as a sight of musical talent, it might be a good idea to try and help that talent before it gets banged-up, bonged-off or bundled-up.
Community? [The Stranger] - for once, "no names" is used for some purpose other than the frission of "I know something you don't know"

ALL YOUR DATA IS BELONG TO US: If you're using Windows Media Player, everything you run through it - CD tracks, DVD movies, MP3s - is being noted down, and can be reported back to BillGatesCentral in Seattle. Right now, Microsoft say they don't have any plans to do anything with the data - but they would, wouldn't they? Even if they don't sell it, this information is worth tonnes to them. You might want to try some other players...
Intelligentx reports - while Bill Gates snort derisively at your Incubus habit
Alternatives discussed - we use i-tunes, but then we love Macs...

QUOTE: Laurence Robinson, salesman-turned-tenor: "There are similarities between selling and singing, because as a singer, you're obviously selling yourself..." Especially if you're Danni Minogue, of course.