Friday, April 22, 2011

Embed and breakfast man: A day with the Jesuses

Hey, band - looking for a name? Want something a bit edgy?

Don't go for something with Jesus in.

Sure, about forty years ago, putting Jesus' name on a band poster might have shocked and surprised people, but John Lydon was still capable of shocking people back then. But in 2011, it just looks a little desperate, like drawing a penis on your school exercise book. The best you can hope for is a light pantomime of outrage, but nobody's heart will really be in it and you just end up having to ram a massive cock into your school bag every morning for the rest of the year.

After all, in many Catholic communities, Jesus is commonly given as a name to boys and - because there's no such thing as nominative determinism - there are Jesuses all over the place who turn over liquor stores, treat their boyfriends really badly and put plastic into the paper recycling box. It's not like the idea of someone borrowing Jesus' name and doing something wrong under the banner will bring the church to its knees. Especially given that the church has managed to survive the many wrongs done under the banner of the Church over the year.

Oddly, more Anglican types don't use Jesus as a name for their kids, favouring Christian instead. The idea of using your value system as a name for your kids doesn't seem to have spread much further than this, which is why you didn't go to school with Marketsocialism Jones, Threesecondrule Brown or IftheygivemechangeforatennerwhenIonlygavethemafiverImkeepingititsnotliketescocantaffordit Pryce-Graham. Obviously, there'd never have been a Youdontneedcondomsifyouwhipitoitintime Lloyd.

But despite there being nothing inherently culture-crushing about putting the word Jesus into your band name, bands keep on doing it. There's been something of an arms race, with some of the smarter Jesus-themed acts realising they needed to weaponise their brand with another, equally-presumably-offensive idea or concept. Hence you get bands like Vaginal Jesus.

That's just drawing a cock on both sides of your maths book.

Come, then, let us spend Good Friday looking at bands who have taken Jesus' name, most often in vain.

We'll give them an X Factor (yes, this might be a half-arsed Good Friday Bank Holiday feature, but that doesn't mean it doesn't deserve a Greek pun). This number will mark the band out of 10 on how close they came to despoiling forever the good name of Christ.

I should stress this figure has absolutely no scientific basis, and is just plucked out the sky in the mistaken hope that it will provide illumination by suggesting the existence of an externalised standard against which behaviour can be judged. Which seems kind of appropriate.

I'm suspecting I won't be able to find any Satan, The Jesus Infected Needle And Blood, by the way, but I live in hope.

In a moment, we'll kick off with the Reid brothers.

The Jesus And Mary Chain
Hookers For Jesus
Jesus Wore Dickies
Jesus Loves You
Jesus Skins
The Revolutionary Army Of The Infant Jesus
Jesus Lizard
Jesus Chrysler Suicide
Jesus Jones
The Last Days Of Jesus
Teenage Jesus And The Jerks


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