No Rock And Roll Fun: 12 March 2006

Saturday, March 18, 2006

YOU'RE TURNING UGLY

Royalty payments on six songs from James Blunt's Back To Bedlam have been suspended following a credible claim from a producer who believes he helped build Blunt's career. Lukas Burton says Blunt dropped him when other people started taking interest.

Blunt's people are dismissive:

Blunt's publicist said: "Traditionally, when a record is this massive, everyone wants to claim credit for its success."

She added: "This is no different." But she refused to give any further details.

Oddly, though, not everyone is claiming to have had a hand in Blunt's sucess. And if they did, not everyone would actually have records of what they'd done. Lukas writes entertainingly about (what he claims is) his life with Blunt on MySpace.

The You're Beautiful dirge is not one of the suspended tracks, so the zillions sold next week for mothering sunday will still send cash straight to Blunty even as the unwanted CDs head for landfill.

RAPOBIT: Professor X

The death of Professor X, former member of the X-Clan.

Professor X, born Lumumba Carson, was the son of civil rights leader Sonny Carson; he founded The Blackwatch movement, as a counterpoint to the Zulu Nation proposed by Afrika Bambataa. A loose affiliation of ideas and hip hop acts, the movement included Queen Mother Rage, Isis, Daddy-O (who went on to be part of Stetsasonic) and, of course, X-Clan).

Formed in 1990 from within the Blackwatch, the X-Clan came together as a response to what was seen by some young Brooklyn blacks as a time of revolution, driven by a sense of injustice. "We were the one group" explained the team's Brother J, "to address [police brutality and racism] through music and still remain rhythmic enough to be entertainers."

Following on from two albums for Island (To The East Blackwards and Xodus), the Clan moved on in 1997, when J started to concentrate more on his side project, the Dark Sun Riders. Attempts to reunite the group for a new album last year proved somewhat patchy.

The Blackwatch Movement itself started to drift, giving way to, and being overtaken by, the gangsta rap attitude, which dropped the politics and cultural awareness in favour of cars, guns and girls.

Professor X died on Friday. He had been suffering from meningitis.

music professor x backwatch movement obit obituary

CHRISTINA FLIRTS WITH BALDNESS

Christina Aguilera wanted to perm her hair - perhaps in celebration of the perm turning 100 years old this week - only to be given some bad, bad news: Her hair is in such bad condition, any dicking about with it could leave her bald. Luckily, there's a hair insider to tell us more:

"Christina loves her hair and wanted a loose perm.

"But she has been told her tresses have already had so much treatment – including peroxide, hair dye and extensions – that her locks are too weak and brittle for the work.

"She is furious and is facing the next few months knowing she’ll have to wear wigs whenever she wants a curly look."

You can tell that those are the genuine words of a hair expert, as they use the word "tresses."

It's not all bad news, though: when she and Britney find their careers are at the point where the only option is a fight-off in the wrestling ring, at least Britney won't be able to get an advantage by tugging at Christina's hair.

music christina aguilera xtina

GOLDIE WRITHES IN PAIN

While Bez was marshalling maraca players, his fellow comedy pop hangover Goldie was writing in pain and gnashing his expensive teeth after an accident on faded celebs showing off show The Games. He was practicing for the waterski event when something went wrong. The show's producers rushed over, saw how much pain he was in, and immediately got on the phone. After they'd organised Adam Rickitt as a replacement, they then summonded medical assistance for Goldie.

music goldie adam rickitt

JOURNEY SOUTH WANT THE TED DANSON PLANE

Journey South are about to embark on a whistle-stop tour of the UK, using a private jet. This has put the fear of God into the band's Andy, because he doesn't like flying, says his brother, theotheroneoutofjourneysouth:

"We've been given a private plane which is very posh. It's going to be exciting. We've seen a picture of it. I love flying myself, but Andy isn't as excited.

"He's a bit nervous. Andy is scared of flying and this is a real propeller plane.

"He'll be watching the propellers to see if they are still going round."

They did ask if they could do the tour by train, but apparently their management are keen to get them around the country as quickly as possible in the hope there might still be some people who remember them by the time they arrive.

music journey south

MAX CLIFFORD WRITES

If the 3AM Girls continue to carry puff-pieces about Kerry Katona, they might as well just stick Max Clifford on the photobyline on their article. Here's today's piece of "news":

DESPITE reports that they had split, Kerry Katona still proudly shows off a £7,500 gold "friendship" ring on her engagement finger from Mark Croft. And the 25-year-old mum-of-two is intending to keep her taxi driver bloke. Her pal tells us: "Kerry got a £21,000 Vacunaut weight loss machine to get rid of her after-baby bumps." Best of luck, Kez.

Pardon? She got a vacant what machine? She spent twenty-one thousand pounds on a machine to emulate the effects of eating less chips and going jogging? We know she's not very popular in Warrington, but surely she could find a quiet park or something?

music kerry katona

"I'M GETTING A NAME... YIKO... YOGO? WAS THERE A SIGNIFICANT NAME LIKE THAT IN HIS LIFE?"

Part of the crack operation separating cash from the credulous, the people who attempted a TV seance with Princess of Diana (a woman who, if memory serves, died when she imprisoned inside her own home by a massive mountain of plastic-wrapped flowers) are now lining up a new pay-per-view seance: For about six quid, you cam watch some guy pretending to be talking to John Lennon.

Apparently if it's a success, Davina is quite keen to get Lennon onto her show. "It's already got the stench of death attached" explained a spokesperson.

music john lennon

KING WITHOUT A CROWN

He just woke up one day and it wasn't there. That's how Damon Albarn explains away his missing front tooth. We do cherish Victoria Newton's panicky reaction, though:

Now he’s starting to look like SHANE McGOWAN.

One missing tooth and he looks like McGowan? Isn't that a slightly extreme over-reaction, given that McGowan has the air of a man who's attempted to explore the truth of popular playground claim "if you sleep with a moutfull of Coke your teeth will rot" on seven or eight occasions. Albarn needs a dentist, not an entire jaw transplant.

music damon albarn gorillaz

IF YOU WANNA BE THE BEZ, IF YOU WANNA BEAT THE REST

The curious afterlife of Bez's career continues. Oddly, he seems to work harder now than he did when he was sort-of in proper work; his latest feat has been to take part in the world record attempt on largest crowd of maraca players. The previous record was one, though:

"We set the world record, although no doubt it will be getting broken left, right and centre now we've bothered to do it.

"I was freezing before we got going, but shaking my maracas actually warmed me up.

"My advice to anyone wanting to break this record now is to wait until a nice hot summer's day… then you might get a few more people turning up."

Bez persuaded 407 people to turn out for the event. We don't know where he found 814 maracas.

music bez happy mondays

Friday, March 17, 2006

BROKEN BIZKIT?

As if it wasn't enought that it's Friday afternoon, here's some news to put a bounce in your flounce as you head off for the weekend: Wes Borland reckons Limp Bikzit have run their course:

"We're officially on hiatus, maybe even officially over," Borland said. "It's kind of up in the air. No one said, 'We're done as a band.' Everyone's just doing their own thing, and [some members] don't have time for this band anymore. I haven't quit, but I've also decided to stop thinking about Limp. I'm not going to keep trying to breathe life into a dying animal.

"It just ground to a halt," he continued. "We just basically stopped talking. I feel bad for the fans that [might] think something's actually going to happen with Limp [in the future]. It's not happening. The Unquestionable Truth (Part 2) is not coming out. If it does, I'd be super surprised. But you can never say never. Anything's possible. As of right now, none of my future plans include Limp Bizkit."

Of course, being a dying beast didn't stop Durst from wanking out the last couple of albums, but if even Wes has noticed, that's got to be game over, surely?

We wonder if anyone's told Fred yet...
[Thanks to Jana K for bringing us good news.]

music limp bizkit wes borland fred durst

MUSIC AGAIN

But you can never believe in a never, as Roxy Music - the original Roxy Music start work on their first new album for thirty-three years. (There's not been any Roxy Music music since Avalon in 1982, but that didn't feature Prof Brian Eno on quasi-atomic particle keyboards and hyperlatinate guitars.

music bryan ferry brian eno roxy music

SMITHS KNOCK BACK COACHELLA

Five Million dollars is an awful lot of cash, and it takes a steady hand and a firm nerve to turn it down. It just increases the warmth of memory surrounding the Smiths to know that Coachella's five million dollar offer for them to reunite was turned down flat.

Morrissey revealed the offer during an interview at SXSW:

When journalist David Fricke asked if he had considered it, Morrissey replied, "No, because money doesn't come into it," a response that drew applause from the crowd.

Of the critically adored act, which broke up in the late 1980s, Morrissey said, "It was a fantastic journey. And then it ended. I didn't feel we should have ended. I wanted to continue. [Johnny]
wanted to end it. And that was that."

You do wonder what Madonna's getting for her Coachella appearance, don't you?

music johnny marr morrissey the smiths sxsw coachella

POLICE BREAK UP DIRTY PROTEST

The curse of the Libertines (which doesn't exist in any sense other than as a lazy journalistic cliche, which is precisely the context we're using it in here) strikes again: Texas police broke up the Dirty Pretty Things SXSW set last night.

The gig was running late after Flaming Lips had taken their own sweet time getting on stage earlier; faced with the prospect of becoming a Pete Doherty tribute act by getting lobbed in a jail, the DPT beat a retreat.

The heavy handed police actions again raise questions over the relationship between the city of Austin and the festival: in 2004, the cops pepper-sprayed an audience.

music sxsw dirty pretty things

MINISTER BREAKS HER OWN LAW

When idiots make laws, the laws will be idiotic. Now, we're not calling Tessa Jowell an idiot - after all, I'm sure we've all signed a mortgage application form claiming there were no outstanding mortgages on the property while, apparently, being simultaneously unaware that our husband had paid off the previous mortgage with money that may or may not have come from Europe's dodgiest prime minister, haven't we? - but it is wonderful that following numerous campaigners warning her that her 2003 Licensing Act would cause trouble for people wanting nothing more than a sing-song in public premises has caused her problems.

Jowell's bad law insists that any pre-planned musical event can only take place in a venue licensed for entertainment. Unfortunately, on International Women's Day, Jowell gathered with a group of international women to sing some sort of song about women in Victoria Gardens. Nobody had applied for a licence - understandably, because who would have thought that some idiot would have brought in a law which would require a few people singing a couple of tunes in a park to be licensed in the same way as the Monsters of Rock Festival?

Jowell could, of course, shift the blame - perhaps the person responsible for the Royal Parks should have taken care of licensing of this sort to cover these eventualities. The only problem is that the ultimate authority for the Royal Parks lays with the Culture Secretary, which would be... ah, you're ahead of us, aren't you?

Jowell will escape prosecution, though, because Westminster City Council says nobody has complained. We really hope nobody does complain. That would be awful, if someone called the council to complain. Terrible.

music tessa jowell westminster

PROVE IT, BRITNEY

Britney Spears is currently suing Us magazine for libel, claiming that their story suggesting there was a tape of her and Kevin Woodentop having sex about to go into ciruclation made her sound like some sort of slapper, claims which could affect her future career of dancing about dressed as a schoolgirl/in a skintight catsuit/naked except for some diamonds.

The case, though, has been delayed. Us want the case dropped; the judge has given the Spears time to pull together an argument why it shouldn't. Britney was apparently delighted to hear the judge wanted some evidence of arguments from her and Kevin; apparently she's got hundreds of them.

music britney spears kevin federline

BLOFELD? BLOW HARD, MORE LIKE

Giddy with excitement at his barely-mentioned role in Mrs Henderson Presents, Will Young now has decided he is an ac-tor:

"I think I'd be a good baddie. I'd like to be like the guy with the cat. Perhaps I'd be better with a really camp piglet... or a budgie. I'd probably kill Bond with my jokes."

Apparently he's trying to find his way into the Hollywood machine:

"I was at a film awards last night and I sucked up to everyone," he said. "I'd say: 'Are you a director?' and it would turn out I was talking to a waitress."

For your long-term career, Will, those are probably the sort of contacts you should be cultivating.

music will young james bond

PETE BURNS WHILE PETE BURNS

We had a friend who once nearly set fire to a Merseyside music icon, as they idly flicked some ash over a stairwell balcony just as Ian McCulloch was coming up the stairs; luckily, although the ash hit his head, it didn't cause a fire.

Now, a second Merseyside music icon nearly went in the same fag/hair fashion, as Pete Burns managed to set his own hair extensions on fire at the Groucho Club. To be honest, though, we're not sure this was an accident. Burns in the Groucho? Surely that's a cry for help?

music pete burns groucho club

GLITTER PLANS EXILE'S LIFE

Wizardesque child sex fan Gary Glitter is still attempting to paint himself as a victim, hoping he can get sympathy for his plight. His lawyer pops up in today's Mirror:

Le Than Kin, the shamed pop star's lawyer, said: "He told me he is devastated because he will probably never be able to go home. He thinks the police will hound him and try to arrest him if he sets foot on English soil."

Well, if by "hound him" Kin means "arrest him for leaving the country without signing the sex offenders register", we guess he'd be spot on.

music gary glitter

THE DREAMS JIM COULDN'T FIX

We all have dreams, hopes, aspirations. Alison Goldfrapp has a simple wish:

“I’ve always fantasised about women who can twirl their breasts in opposite directions.

“I’ve tried, but I can only get one going.”

music alison goldfrapp

Thursday, March 16, 2006

JACKSON FINDS THE CASH

If he had the money, how come he took until yesterday to pay December's wages? Michael JaJackson has coughed up the outstanding wages for the staff who dress up as ghosts to scare meddling kids away from Neverland Ranch.

Jackson's spokeswoman, Raymone Bain, said the singer does not comment on matters involving his finances because he considers them to be private.

Which might be fair enough, except when it's not his money, it's money that belongs to his staff.

music michael jackson

SHIP BOYS, PET

The name of Swan Hunter has always alarmed us - apart from anything, don't all the swans belong to the Queen and therefore isn't hunting them akin to chasing after Charles with an axe (don't try it; he can run, that one, faster than you'd think.) Anyway, Swan Hunter shipyward is to play host to live and free Pet Shop Boys gig. They're doing their Battleship Potemkin soundtrack thingy again.

music pet shop boys battleship potemkin

JACK WHITE WAVES THE COPYRIGHT STICK

Coca-Cola's corporate shill Jack White has shown that no matter how many records you sell, you're never to big to pursue a vendetta. Because Billy Childish told GQ he didn't care for the White Stripes, Jack posted on the Stripe's website that Childish was a "bitter garage rocker."

Aquarium, the London gallery which shows Childish's art work, was offering for sale a spoof boxing poster advertising a bout between Billy and Jack. They got a stiff letter from Mr. White's lawyers using copyright concerns to halt the offer. They've now removed a disputed photo from the design, and put the thing back on sale.

music jack white billy childish white stripes

WEST HEADS FOR HOLLYWOOD

With Ice Cube about to take on Welcome Back Kotter, we were hoping that Kanye West's film debut might have been a feature-length revival of Kate & Allie. But no, instead West is goint to "executive produce" and appear in:

a "multiperspective portrait of the United States as seen through the eyes of West and several filmmakers."

Which does sound wonderfully like those films the Post Office and the Gas Boards used to make when they were ours and not merely profit-gouging outfits, but we do find ourselves wondering what West's perspective actually is.

"America... a land of the rich. But also... a land with many, many poor people. So I'm told."

music kanye west movies

AS SHE SHOVED THE CAR KEYS UP MY NOSE I THOUGHT 'HERE COMES ANOTHER SINGLE'

Phil Collins is breaking up with his wife - this is either his third wife of six years or his sixth wife of three years.

music phil collins

PLEASE EXCUSE VINCE NEIL, HE IS ILL

"Vince Neil lets people down" isn't exactly news, we suppose, but it's happened again. He'd signed up to host an after-gig party in Virginia, and pocketed six thousand dollars. The manager of the venue took a call moments before he was due to appear, apparently claiming he'd been rushed to hospital:

I got a call about 10:40, just after the concert let out from his manager Jack. He was in a state of panic it seemed like and he said that Vince was ill. Throwing up blood and such. And was being taken to the emergency room and that he wouldn't be showing up.

Well, no restaurant would want someone throwing up blood, would they? The curious thing is, though, when the local news channel spoke to the hospital, they were surprised: no, they'd had nobody from Motley Crue in; indeed, the ambulance on standby to take people from the Crue gig to hospital was never called on.

The band's management deny they ever said stuff about blood and hospitals, and that Vince "had mild food poisoning."

music vince neil motley+crue

GENIUS LOVES SELFCOMPANY

Salma Hayek We're not sure how Salam Hayek came to be directing the video for the new Prince single, although she does share qualities found in a lot of Prince collaborators. Salami, though, has her own theory. It's because she's brilliant:

"He took my direction so well. It was my concept, I came up with the idea. He just let me do it. I think I reminded him of himself - he's such a genius."

We can't tell if she means she thinks he thought "she's a genius, which is a lot like I am", or if she just thinks they're alike, and he's a genius. But to be fair, we can't decide if we hate this sort of preening more than we dislike false modesty.

music salma hayek prince

THE SPICE GIRLS TOUR: OFF

There never has been a Spice Girls tour. Mel C has repeatedly made it clear that it wouldn't happen. There never was going to be a Spice Girls tour. And yet The Sun is claiming an exclusive on its cancellation.

Still, there's "a source close to the girls" to report:

“She wants to concentrate on solo work. She met with Victoria, who was thinking the same thing. Posh is now heavily into fashion and realised the Spice tour had the potential to be a PR disaster.

“The girls would be compared to the amazing TAKE THAT comeback."

Yes, the amazing Take That comeb... hang about, how do you know it's amazing? It hasn't happened yet. Gary Barlow might insist on wearing a codpiece and Robbie Williams might turn up.

And we love the idea that Posh thinks the sort of people who might buy her garish jeans and kiddie-style sunglasses would be put off by a shit Spice Girls reunion. ("We could just about take the solo records, but this...")

music spice girls

... AND HE'D SPEND THE RENT ON DRUGS

In a survey so pointless even The Sun really can't be arsed with it, Pete Doherty has been voted the worst flatmate you could possibly have. Which might be true, but at least you'd have the place to yourself for six months every year while he was on tour, in rehab or in jail.

Pete D just edged out Pete Burns; apparently Jamie Oliver came out tops. Because you could use his Saisnbruy's discount.

music pete doherty pete burns

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

PUCKER UP FOR LIPS

It's been what people in suits call "released to radio", but in case you've sold your radio to feed your children, or perhaps fed your radio to your children, you might want to eavesdrop on the stream of the new Flaming Lips single. [Quicktime]

music flaming lips

WELCOME BACK, TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT

After the, uh, success of Bewitched as a movie, they've managed to find someone to bankroll a Welcome Back, Kotter movie.

You heard. Welcome Back, Kotter. They're lining up Ice Cube to play the titular returning teacher (which is what it's getting a mention here, by the way).

Of course, this isn't quite as extraordinary as it sounds, as there's already been a Welcome Back, Kotter movie. Sort of.
WBK was the US adaptation of Please, Sir...

... which got a movie run-out. They could even use the same script, give or take a couple of changes ("hood" for "inner city", and so on.) After all, Ice Cube does have the look of the young John Alderton about him...

music ice cube welcome back kotter please sir

HOW DO YOU FILL THE GAP LEFT BEHIND BY PETE DOHERTY

If you're Kate Moss, you spend 350 dollars on a vibrator. Just the one, mind. Made of gold. It might seem a lot to pay for the odd orgasm, but it probably still works out cheaper than Pete Doherty.

music kate moss pete doherty

THE NEW LOOK TORY PARTY

Conservative MP and Time columnist Michael Gove has filed a piece in today's paper which, extraordinarily, claims not only is he a punk, but so, too is Tony Blair. In the current version, anyway:

To update the debate, do you prefer Blair Mark One, the builder of the Big Tent, the soft-rock leader of the first term? Or do you prefer Blair Mark Two, the punk premier who’s happy to break up the party to get what he wants?

Of course, he does have a point - Tony Blair is punk, in exactly the same way that John Lydon is; they're both convinced their buy-in to the establishment is part of some glorious iconoclastic revolution. Selling your back catalogue to the advertisers, bringing back the 11 plus - but we do wonder if this is some sort of Central Office directed campaign to try and prove how cool it is to vote for Tories. Doubtless at this point George Osborne is working up his "My Goth Years" think-piece for the Sunday Telegraph.

music michael grove

REMODELED CARS; BLONDIE CONCLUDING

The Cars are returning, although Ric Ocasek isn't going to be on board. It's not that the band didn't want him, it was just every time they sat down to send him an invite by email nobody could remember how to spend his name. After a nasty moment when contracts were nearly exchanged with Rick Okasec of Idaho on lead vocals, they finally decided to get Todd Rundgren to front up what they're calling The New Cars.

The New Cars. Bless them. Obviously they wouldn't have been honest enough to go with The Old Bangers, but The Vintage Cars might have been nearer the mark.

The band are releasing new records, and plotting a tour with the bits of Blondie still functioning after the Hall of Fame unpleasantness.

Blondie, apparently, are thinking of taking their bow from live music after this tour, although they might knock out another record at some point in the future. There are no plans for Todd Rundgren to take over on vocals.

music todd rundgren the cars blondie

GENNARO CASTALDO WATCH: Three CDs a tenor

Who can you call when you need someone to say something about three classical records heading for the album chart "Hello? HMV here, it's Gennaro Castaldo":

"The first time we really saw the phenomenon of classical music crossing over into the mainstream in this way was through the massive popularity of the Three Tenors in the early 1990s.

"Now the likes of Andrea, Vittorio and Russell are achieving a similar effect with a new and younger audience."

Gennaro is obviously too young to remember Hooked On Classics, then.

music gennaro castaldo

EVERYTHING'S GONE BLACK

Could there be any more goth? Bauhaus are supporting Nine Inch Nails on tour.

OK GO ARRESTED

American cops aren't famed for their patience (mainly because that would make for a really shit TV detective show, although ITV4 would consider finding a slot for Allis - The Patient Cop if it came up). So it's perhaps not surprising that Damian Kulash, singer with Ok Go, wound up in jail when he acted the goat in Orlando:

Late last night, while standing in front of the Orlando House of Blues, Damian Kulash was arrested and charged with "intent to take pictures and talk to fans." Also, there was a little matter of resisting arrest, which is the official charge.

The unofficial charge is "giving the wrong answer when a police officer asks you 'what part of move don't you understand?'" For those of you planning travel in the Orlando area, the correct response is not "I understood what you said; I just didn't do it." Damian didn't know that, so he was immediately handcuffed and taken inside the venue to chants of "Let him go!" (Had I been there the chants would have been "Jorge, NO!!! It's not worth it!" 'cause you know I got my boy's back.)

The band's statement, you get the feeling, is attempting to build some mythology around the whole business. Anyway, he was carted off to the local jail, where he did some time:

Damian was released this morning, and promises he'll be in fine fettle for Tuesday's show in Jacksonville. Until then, he'd like to address two rumors that have sprung up on the Internet in the last 24 hours: No, he wasn't drunk; and Yes, he did get the arresting officer to watch the "A Million Ways" video on the on-board computer. If that's not awesome, awesome doesn't exist.

Well, that'll ensure they won't arrest any indie blokes again. "If the Feds want to run the risk of having to watch some cookie-cutter empty indie bombast, let the feds deal with it..."

music ok go orlando

VICTORIA'S NOT SO DAFT

People suggest that Victoria Beckham might not be very bright. People. Okay, people like us. But she's clearly not totally vacant: she's planning a half a million quid World Cup party, but is smart enough to be holding it before England kick a single ball.

Of course, if she'd done it after the finals, she could have doubled it up with an anniversary party, but we guess she decided that nobody would want to trudge down for a party celebrating something that had started with so much promise and glitter and ended in bitter disappointment and recriminations. Or the World Cup.

music victoria beckham world cup football

JACKO: YOU'VE GOT 24 HOURS, THEN WE WANT YOUR BADGE

Having not paid his staff at Neverlaidahandon Ranch since before Christmas, Michael Jackson has been given a twenty-four extension on the deadline by which he was supposed to have coughed up the cash.

We're not quite sure why having kept these people without cash for so long he got the extra twenty-four hours; perhaps he's waiting for the local Wal-Mart to restock those little wage envelopes; maybe it was overcast and he was having trouble making his solar calculator work. Or, perhaps, the State Department of Industrial Relations figured that having been unpaid for a whole quarter, his workers had already burned most of their furniture so they might as well finish that before they got the money for gas.

music michael jackson california

PAM ANDERSON RATES ROCK VID

She doesn't actually sniff "mine was better", but Pamela Anderson seems less than impressed with the Scott Stapp- Kid Rock sex video. Indeed, she suggests that it's not entirely sexy:

‘I didn’t know guys did that. Sit side by side getting oral sex while they’re talking sports. I can’t imagine I’d ever do that.’

Clearly she's never seen Match of the Day, either.

music sex tape scott stapp pamela anderson kid rock

BRIAN MAY SAVES THE HEDGEHOGS

Kind of ironic that all of a sudden Brian May has become a friend of the hedgehog world, having previously been in league with Ford, a company dedicated to getting people to drive over as many small mammals as possible (we believe it's in their corporate mission statement, if you want to check), but he's joining the call for the Uist hedgehog cull to be stopped:

"For some time I have been aware that hedgehogs on the Uists are being killed for 'conservation' purposes.

"As someone who believes that all animals are worthy of respect, this is of great concern to me.

"I understand that scientific evidence shows that hedgehogs can be translocated successfully. I therefore cannot understand why SNH is continuing with the policy of unnecessarily killing these animals.

"I urge SNH to reconsider any plans it has to continue slaughtering these healthy wild animals. Instead, please work with the Uist Hedgehog Rescue experts to relocate these animals to the mainland where they can live out their lives."

The hedgehogs are being killed because people on Uist hate tiny mammals and have run out of voles to terrorise (or the hogs eat birds eggs, or something) and the annual cull usually sees an awful lot of effort being put into killing two or three hogs.

A spokesperson for badgers was heard muttering "oh sure, help them... what about us, eh? What about us?"

music brian may uist hedgehogs queen

JENNIFER LOPEZ IS A DRUNK, A TRAMP AND AN UNFIT MOTHER

Or at least she hopes she can convince as one. Yes, the casting for perhaps the least wanted revisiting of an old TV programme continues, with Jennifer Lopez being lined up to take the role of Sue Ellen in the big screen Dallas.

Justin Timberlake is still hankering after Digger Barnes, we hear.

music j lo jennifer lopez dallas

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

MRS. BENNINGTON TAKES TO DANCE

We were amused to discover that, in pitching for a new career as a burlesque dancer [NSFW-ish], Samantha Cashmere has cited her "several years in the entertainment industry" as relevant experience.

It's interesting not only because the very idea that a burlesque dancer is going to be chosen because of cv box ticking rather than basque filling is odd, but more because her role was "wife of Chester Bennington" which, even if you accept the argument that Linkin Park are related to the entertainment industry in any way, hardly makes sense. After all, while some partners share a career (Esther Rantzen and Desmond Morris, for example) they both have to work at it - you wouldn't let the wife of a surgeon have a go at fixing your spleen on the strength of her having having bought a house in Penge with someone who went to medical school, would you?

music burlesque chester bennington linkin park

KAISERS KNOCK BACK SVEN

Well, that's the FA out of that awkward hole: the Kaiser Chiefs don't want to do a song for England*:

"We're flattered about these rumours regarding the England football team's World Cup song, but there's no truth in them, they are just rumours. The only writing we'll be doing in the next few months will be for our next album. We have no plans to write the England football team's World Cup song. Sorry to dispel the myth."

* - and as such are TREACHEROUS TRAITORS. And you know what we do with traitors, don't you?

music kaiser chiefs world cup

FIELDS INDOORS

Field Music have a lovely new album out on April 24th; to celebrate, they're dancing round the UK next month:

23 Brighton Audio
24 Manchester Roadhouse
25 London 100 Club
26 Leeds Cockpit
27 Glasgow Kings Tuts
28 Liverpool Academy

(We're presuming that's the old L2 Academy and not the old Mountford Hall, but we'd advise you to check locally. Mind you, if you go to the wrong one it's only a five minute walk to the other, which at your age shouldn't be a problem.

music field music

YOU ORTON KNOW

USA Today's surprisingly good entertainment blog PopCandy meets Beth Orton:

Do you remember the first record you ever bought?

With my own money? Well, I think it might've been Dexy's Midnight Runners, the second album that they did. The one where they were wearing baggy thingamabobs ...

Overalls?

Yeah! That and Soft Cell's Erotic Non-Stop ... whatchamacallit.

Beth Orton And this is where an early diet of dungarees and sex dwarves gets you, then...

music beth orton soft cell dexys midnight runners

HAYES LEAVES THE PARK

Interesting news from South Park today, as Isaac Hayes has quit the show because, ten seasons in, he's just noticed that it has a pop at religion:

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry toward religious beliefs and others begins," Hayes said in a statement issued through his spokesman in New York.

Oddly enough, it turns out that point is where they stop taking the piss out of Cable TV Christianity and start scoffing at Scientology. Which happens to be Hayes' personal belief system. It seems Isaac was cool with Jesus And Pals, but the moment you start suggesting that Scientology is a bunch of mumbo cooked up as a bet by L Ron Hubbard turned into the sort of highly efficient money-making machine that would leave a high street bank looking like a charity, and that's just going a little too far.

music south park isaac hayes scientology religion

BOLTON MAKES DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE HIS WIFE

It's just like those stories about old people separated by the war marrying forty years later, even down to the way no matter how cute it is, you really don't want to imagine the consumation. Desperate Housewive's Nicollette Sheridan is engaged to Michael Bolton, fourteen years after they dated.

music michael bolton nicolette sheridan

SHAKIRA UPSETS THE NUNS

They sit around in the few moments when they're not praying, and wonder where they went wrong. They're the nuns who taught Shakira her values, and they don't like her habit of not wearing many clothes a lot of the time:

"One of the nuns is looking for me after seeing the Don't Bother video," she says. "A lot of people think I like to expose my body, but I don't. It's just because the dance moves require it."

Mind you, the nuns can talk. Nuns, eh? They don't have to dress up like nuns, you know. It's just the Vatican requires it, if you know what I mean.

music shakira

BRITNEY SPLINTERS

Apparently, Britney Spears has been spotted in a hotel room with a wooden human-like effigy that she believes can assist her in becoming pregnant.

As well as Kevin Federline, though, she also had a Hawaiian fertility doll with her.

music britney spears

BONO TURNS FAMILY CRISIS INTO GRANDSTANDING OP

Bono's ability to turn sympathy into a seething rage manages to surface every time, doesn't it? You feel for U2, one of whom has a family member so ill they've had to postpone tour dates; then up strides Bono who makes a little speech about how great this proves he is ("they are"):

“I can’t really go into details but a family member was very ill and there was a lot of distress and angst.

“We are coming back in November. We’ve almost locked in the dates and that is a great relief.

“Our music does come from a very tight community and if one of us is going through something then we all are going through it.”

You wonder if he's like this all the time, at home, even: "Tonight, we're having pizza from Dominos. Because if you're feeling a little tired and don't want to cook... [meaningful pause] ... I'm more than happy to dial up for an American Hot, two garlic breads and a bottle of pop. That's just the way I am. And I'm gonna tip the delivery boy."

One of the band was understandably going to have to be elsewhere; that's 25% of the band. Under those circumstances, it's no more unique-to-the-band-with-a-special-bond to cancel the gigs than it would be to not drive a car because it was missing one of its wheels.

"This Jaguar has got a flat... and let me tell you, there's no way I'd even think of driving this car anywhere until it had all four wheels, ready to go in the same direction, at the same time..."

music u2 bono

HOW MUCH EFFORT CAN IT BE TO SLIP A PAIR OF TIGHTS INTO THE POST?

The all-new Sugababes are doing their bit for the breast cancer charity by offering a set of stuff for auction, including including a pair of tights. Unworn, though, which will hold the price down. There's also a chance to get to speak to the band:

Bid on this item that money can't (or couldn't usually!) buy... the chance to speak to Heidi, Keisha and Amelle.

We're not sure, but we believe the current leading bidder on that one is Mutya.

music sugababes

ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS NOT GETTING SEXY FUN MESSAGES FROM SHAYNE

Apparently, Shayne Ward's mobile phone has got a virus on it and is sending out porn-filled texts to everyone in his contact list. And Robbie Williams is on that list, of course, what with him being a big fan (or was it Chico he liked?). Let's hope Robbie realised it wasn't Shayne actually sending him sexy come-ons, as we all know how much he'd hate that sort of thing.

music robbie williams shayne ward

Monday, March 13, 2006

KYLIE DOES IT FOR THE KIDS

This is quite a nice little story, about people picking up their lives, and it comes with a photo of Kylie Minogue on an elephant:

Kylie has been to see a group of kids who formed a theatre group after surviving the tsunami.

music kylie minogue

YOU PLAY THE MUSIC ON THE WORTHY FARM

Well, since it's almost mathematically impossible to get tickets for Glastonbury, you can comfort yourself if you don't get to go next year with the thought that Michael Eavis is trying to persuade Dire Straits to reunite for the 2007 festival.

Bobbing headbands and The Walk of Life. That's worth queueing four hours to crap in a small plastic box for, isn't it?

music glastonbury dire straits

DIY MAKEOVER

As part of the whole new look to This is Fake DIY (dot co dot uk, of course), they've shoved furniture about and moved some of their excelt spreadsheets to make room for rather fine downloads - including the hotly tipped Monkey Swallows The Universe just to be going on with.

music mp3 downloads monkey swallows the universe

HUSH AND LISTEN TO USHER

Apparently unconcerned by the flop of Bob Patterson, Usher is making the leap into motivational speaking. To be fair, he's not setting himself too hard a mission on his first job: suggesting to ninth graders that they might want to consider a career in entertainment or sports.

Yeah, that's going to be a tricky sell.

music usher

ESTATE AGENT ATTACKS GREEN DAY

Starting to look a little too obsessed, John Lydon has started banging on about Green Day again:

"[They're] sticky tape on a duck's arse. They wouldn't have survived [the punk heyday]. We had to earn the wings. We made it easy for them to come in and nick things from us. Silly fat kids. It was hard times we went through for them to come and nick our ideas."

What's that, Grampa Joe? Kids today don't know how you suffered? They 'ave it easy, with their Segways and iPods when all you had was a space hopper and a pianola?

And, from a guy who fronted a band with the neither exactly svelte nor smart Cook and Jones, "silly fat kids" is hardly a fitting barb, is it?

music green day john lydon

HEY, PUNKER!

Following on from the Sex Pistol's boycott of their induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame - which seemed to be a spat over how much tickets cost - and the news that they've flogged their back catalogue to be used to sell whatever, comes the report that California isn't sunny enough for Steve Jones and he might have to move to hawaii instead.

Not, of course, that they're not punks any more.

music sex pistols steve jones

FA OWN GOAL

With the FA keen to avoid any nasty behaviour tied to the past history of our two nations when England travel to Germany for the World Cup. In a bid to put the idea that we've never got over the two world wars behind us, they're thinking of getting the Kaiser Chiefs to do the official song.

Presumably Craig Ferguson was unwilling to revive his Bing Hitler character.

music football world cup kaiser chiefs

THE STREETS ARE FLOODED

In what T-Mobile insists is an example of the Streets "keeping it real", Mike Skinner is going to be playing a big secret gig somewhere in London. You enter a draw for the tickets, and the lucky winners will be told to assemble at a location, from where they will be taken by boat to the gig.

Of course, that does cut down the number of places where the gig could be happening - Uxbridge and Bromley are off the list for a start; it's going to have to be somewhere where you can disembark from a boat on the Thames, then.

We're not sure why Skinner's doing this - maybe it's in return for them sorting out the reception in his kitchen?

Oddly, the terms and conditions for the competition state that "no purchase is neccesary" and yet that you have to be a "customer of T-Mobile" - how does one get to be T-Mobile customer without making a purchase?

music the streets mike skinner

POPTONES REJECTS RESCUED BY WARNERS

Three years back, the Cosmic Rought Riders were dropped by Alan Mcgee and Poptones - "despite four Top 40 singles and single-handedly helping keep Poptones label afloat with 50,000 sales of their album Enjoy The Melodic Sunshine", observes an outraged Daily Record, although we're not quite sure how you can do something "single-handedly" if you're simply "helping" do something.

Anyway, the band scraped together the cash for a self-released album, and now have been granted a second chance with their signing to Korova. They're very excited that it's Nick Stewart who's picked them up, because he signed U2 to Island. (Interestingly, nobody seems able to cite something he might have done since then, but it was only twenty-odd years ago.) Stephen Rough Rider is especially excited:

"If we could have anything like the success U2 have had we wouldn't say no."

It'll only be a matter of months, then, before they're wading in to the Canadian elections.

music cosmic rough riders

JOSS STONE DATES SOME BLOKE

Sorry... we keep forgetting that Lemar won a Brit Award last month. Mind you, he probably does too, to be honest. Anyway, apparently Joss Stone and Lemar are seeing each other, with The Sun clucking over their "behaviour":

The couple later returned to Joss’s house where they locked themselves away for the night in private.

Normal people, of course, usually leave their front doors wide open when they go home of an evening, so clearly there must be something to hide.

music joss stone lemar

HELL, OZZY, YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN

Apparently, even a handful of those special blue pills leaves Ozzy struggling to get himself interested in former Asda worker Sharon Osbourne:

“I can’t do it. I’m on anti-depressants. I take four Viagra and it doesn’t work — it doesn’t do anything!”

It's only medicine, Ozzy, they're not magic bloody beans.

Sharon, meanwhile, is keen to put on a brave face:

X Factor judge Sharon, 52, who is also on anti-depressants, insisted it wasn’t a brother-sister type relationship.

Well, you'd hope not, as a brother who's trying four viagra in order to shag his sister would be pretty screwed up.

We love, by the way, The Sun's observation that Sharon is "also on anti-depressants" - this, of course, the same woman ITV have hired for a teatime chatshow on the strength of how bubbly she is.

music ozzy osbourne sharon osbourne

NO NEED FOR COMBS

In an astonishing exclusive revelation they, erm, read in another newspaper, today's 3AM girls have an insight into how P Diddy feels about body hair:

"I don't have a lot of body hair. If I did, I'd get rid of it. For a woman, a wax is necessary. It makes everything smoother and more attainable. It makes room for all the advances I make when I'm going to please her."

Huh? Do we suppose from this that in the past he's dated women with such verdant pubic hair there's no room for him to squeeze himself in? Or just simply that Puff has never actually seen a naked woman and so just imagines that, unwaxed, venturing inside a woman's pants would be like trying to force your way through the sort of bushes you find in the middle of a roundabout on a busy motorway slip road?

music p diddy

Sunday, March 12, 2006

UNHOLY ALLIANCES

Things the world could easily do without: Another Animal, a band featuring a couple of members of Godsmack and Whit Crane, Ugly Kid Joe's singer.

We can point you in the direction of shovels; we suggest you create a bunker of your own.

music ugly kid joe godsmack another animal

KEEP AWAY FROM LINDA RONSTADT

After nine diligent years of quietly stalking Linda Ronstadt (literally "Ron's Town"), Bernie Oritz has been told to stop. By a judge:

Court documents indicate Ortiz began trying to meet Ronstadt in May 1997, going so far as to show up at her brother's home repeatedly.

Are they sure it was her he was stalking and not her brother?

music linda ronstadt

GENNARO CASTALDO WATCH: Our man who at the Oscars, or at least watching the edited version on Sky

Poor Gennaro - sure, he can vouchsafe an opinion on almost anything, but film clearly isn't his thing. Indeed, as he gives quote on Crash's success at the Oscars, you can almost edit in back the long pauses and the "err... um"s:

HMV spokesman Gennaro Castaldo said an Oscar win was "the best endorsement you can get."

"The great thing about Crash is that the film itself came out some time ago," he continued. "While it was critically acclaimed at the time, it may have passed some people by had it not won the Oscar."

The DVD of Crash was released on December 5th last year.

music gennaro castaldo crash oscars

COURTNEY STILL HAS COOGAN'S IRON IN THE FIRE

They've denied and confirmed it and denied it again so often, we're not surprised that Courtney Love and Steve Coogan are still shagging each other: like the rest of us, they're probably confused if they are meant to be lovers, or not, or if they've ever met.

What makes it even more confusing is Courtney is quite happy to chirrup away about how they're bunking each other up, on a non-exclusive basis, while wailing about how terrible it was that it was all in the papers:

"I went through suicidal depression over what happened in the summer. I could never go through that again. And now I've been sober for eight months - and I never want to go back to that."

More interesting - or at least not as horrible to picture - is this bit:

Courtney is preparing to sell a share of her rights to the Nirvana back catalogue. She said: "It's not a fire sale or anything but I'm selling 25 per cent of the catalogue for quite a lot of money."

It's only going to be a matter of time before we see Smells Like advertising Teen Spirit, then.

music steve coogan courtney love nirvana kurt cobain

OH, LORD, IT'S LIKE THE NINTH SEASON OF FRIENDS OR SOMETHING

If anyone's still interested, Kate Moss is apparently seeing Pete Doherty again, and has given him the key to her flat in St John's Wood, London, England. But don't think she's weak, though:

Kate's laid down some ground rules though. My source close to the model, 32, revealed: "She's told Doherty he has four weeks to show her he can keep out of trouble and away from drugs. She is worried about being tarnished with unpredictable Pete just when everything's on the right track with her career and daughter."

Well, yes, Kate. If you tell him he's got to shape up, that'll really work this time round. When did the "four weeks out of trouble" start from - did the clock begin ticking when he was stopped on the streets of Birmingham?

Another source close to Pete told me: "Kate is the woman he loves and he will try everything to stay with her."

Apart, of course, from keeping off the drugs or completing the expensive rehab she paid for in Arizona.

music babyshambles pete doherty