Roadblock

Does anyone who reads this know Pete Waterman? If so, could you pop round and check that the old boy is okay? We're worried - seriously worried - as news reaches us that he's signed up the Sheila's Wheels advert women to make a proper single. It can only be a step away from Pete setting fire to the house trying to defrost his cat in the microwave, or selling his antique watches to a cold-caller for five pounds and a bag of fruit gums.

Not wanting to be cruel, but even by the standards of low-budget financial service adverts shown on daytime TV, the Sheila's Wheels girls had a the look of a casting session carried out against a tight deadline and a tighter budget. What is Pete thinking?

The only thing we can think is that he's trying to create The Reynolds Girls for a new generation.

Coco, the Coco Pops Monkey, has sent a demo CD to Pete Waterman's house, just in case.

Unsettling Sons

Paul Weller's son has, surprisingly, opted for a totally different career to his Dad. "I know that having a successful pop star as my Pop would give me an unfair advantage in the music industry, but really science is my thing. I want to be a molecular chemist."

Oh, if only. No, he's going into the family business , right down to the releasing not-very-good solo records bit:

"I am currently in the studio putting down vocals to a selection of gothic/ electropop tracks," Natt tells [The Daily Mail's Katie Nicholl].

"And my fashion style is kind of a mix between Victoria Beckham and Marilyn Manson."

Judging by the photos, he's taken the 'emperor's new clothes' aspect of Beckham and married it to 'six year old going to fancy dress party as Dracula' of Manson.

Are there any more at home like him, Paul? And if so, could you fix the childlocks on the front door?

Erm, yes, that'll help

We're sure it exists no more substantially than in the rum mind of the Daily Mail, but apparently Kate Moss is going to do a "tribute song" for Amy Winehouse.

To "cheer her up", of course.

And why would Kate do this?

Because, erm, she "listens to Amy on her iPod all the time".

Naturally.

'I'm not Uncle Disgusting'

Uncle Kracker has insisted that, despite being on a $75,000 bond for a second-degree forcible sexual offence, it was nothing to do with him:

"It's regrettable that someone would make this kind of an allegation, it's not the kind of thing that I'd do, as a father of three girls ... I'm saddened that anyone might think I'm capable of this sort of thing."

We're not quite sure why having three daughters makes you any less likely to commit a sexual offence - "congratulations, Mrs. Smith, it's a girl - now your husband will be a little less prone to being a rapist" - but obviously, he's entitled to the presumption of innocence.

Kasabian get our hopes up

We were thrilled by the NME headline:

Kasabian 'V Festival is the perfect farewell

But the detail was disappointing:

"This is the swansong for 'Empire'," guitarist Serge Pizzorno told NME.COM. "We've got some gigs lined-up but this these are the last big shows. Both these shows are the perfect farewell, it's the big 'thank you, see you on the next record."

This doesn't even make any sense - how can it be the farewell if you're still going to play it at a slew of gigs? It's like trying to divorce your husband but still schedule in some sex for the last few weekends of summer.

Death stalks the Prince of Darkness

Two deaths at the New Jersey Ozzfest date, both apparently caused by a combination of the heat and substance abuse:

Police are investigating the deaths of the pair, identified as Raymond Guarino, 26, of Forked River and Patrick Norris, 24, of Coram, N.Y.

After possibly taking drugs and alcohol, both passed out in separate incidents at the concert, went into cardiac arrest and later died. State police said the men were believed to have ingested cocaine, marijuana and alcohol before their deaths, and troopers who searched Guarino's vehicle found small amounts of both drugs.

Although both of the fatalities were adults, 59 of the 83 who were arrested were charged with underage drinking. Other charges included distribution of drugs, lewd behavior and providing alcohol to a minor.

So, it's clear what the Ozzy fans did with the cash they saved by not having to pay to get in, then.

V organisers have a private joke

With Amy Winehouse off not-getting-rehab-it-is-a-retreat to sort out her "problems", the V festival needed a big name who could be relied on to concentrate on the job in hand rather than getting lost in a haze of drink and drugs.

They called the Happy Mondays.

Surely, when gig bookers are suggesting that you;re less reliable than Bez, that has to be a wake-up call?

Robbie Williams is not easy to dislike

Ah, bless: Robbie Williams was Nigel Martin Smith's favourite:

"Robbie was my favourite because Robbie just wanted to perform," he explained. "If Robbie had ever come to me and said, 'Nigel, help.' Or, 'I'm having a problem with something,' I would have done it.

"If I had to do it all again, I'd do everything exactly the same, because I think it was all perfect. The only thing, personally, that I would do is spend a bit more time telling them how much I love them - which is probably what I didn't do, certainly in Robbie's case. I think that's where I went wrong."

So, there's a terrible tale: forget to tell your cash cow ("loved ones") how much they mean to you and they'll want to cut your eyes out with a Stanley Knife. A lesson for us all.

Shane Lynch: It's not easy being a boyband

Shane Lynch has decided to share with the world how terrible it is being successful and having everyone look at you:

"I can see why things go wrong for Britney Spears and other celebrities.

"And I have sympathy for Robbie Williams when he is unhappy.

"No one gives you a manual on how to deal with this unreal life.

"I grew up to be a mechanic in Dublin and am still that same person, so when I lived in a bubble and went everywhere first class and had everything done for me I didn't know how I was meant to live.

"I never needed to know where I was because I would be driven or flown there."

I'm not sure how far I buy this "ooh, I was only a mechanic" schtick - it's not like he was Amish and had never travelled on an escalator, and it's not like "travelling in first class" is so very different from sitting in coach - your seat can tip back without spilling Tango into the person's lap behind, and the food is nicer and is picked from a menu rather than someone barking "beef or chicken" in your face, but it's not so much of a culture shock as Lynch makes it sound.

"My parents would tell you they called me and I couldn't say where I was," he said.

"I know it sounds stupid because on paper I was having an amazing life but I thought the only way I could survive was by not knowing what was going on."

How would that even work? Sure, if people shuffle you on and off of planes, it's possible to not know where you are, but this is one of those rockstar cliches that is somewhat thin - if you don't know where you are, why not say "where are we"? It probably takes a special level of dullness to not have the wit to to worry about what town you're in.

"I had champagne and private jets but they didn't do a lot for me.

"That unreal life nearly destroyed me."

But is this a problem with fame and success as such, or is it just that some people have such unenquiring minds as to have the door to the world open to them, but don't even want to look through it.

"We can have all the material things but we are just people like everyone else.

"I had a normal life before Boyzone and will always consider myself a mechanic.

"I had a million-pound house and Ferraris but I now know having lots of things is not the route to happiness."

As Jarvis once said: what's the point in being rich, if you can't think what to do with it, 'cause you're so bleedin' thick.

Wire cutters

It's been quite a while since one of Nicky Wire's predictable but amusing attacks on his fellow musical toilers, but he's back on form for the V festival:

Of Snow Patrol he says: "They are utterly deplorable, there is something irredeemably shit about them, you can't quite put your finger on what it is.

"It's a desperate form of music, the endless repeated lines, over and over, the same drab fucking little thing on and on.

Even Snow Patrol fans might feel a little aggrieved at being accused of repeating lines endlessly from the You! Love! Us! You Love Us! You Love Us! Oh, You Love Us, Yeah You Love Us bloke, but Nicky is already moving on to The Killers:

[B]randing their second album "truly dreadful," adding: "There's no authenticity in that record at all, extremely false and calculated.

"People might like it, but people with brains don't."

And how do the 3AM Girls describe Wire in the piece?

He would be :

"the eye-liner wearing bassist"

Describing Nicky Wire as wearing a bit of eye-liner is like saying Danny La Rue sometimes wore heels, surely?