Idea for the Duke of Edinburgh

Sure, Christopher Lee might, at 90, be. Aspirated whole year younger than the Duke, but if Lee can record a metal album, surely Phil could at least pull together a little Goth collection?

Gordon in the morning: This is like That

We're knee-deep in the fawnathon for the Jubilee, and Gary Barlow is leading the fawning:

GARY Barlow has branded Prince Harry the “Robbie Williams of the Royal Family”.

I'm pretty certain that's treasonable, isn't it?

Oh, hang on, he means it as a compliment:

“Harry is the star of the Royal Family, he is the Robbie of the Royal Family.”

You can hear the unsaid here, as Barlow thinks "and I'm the William, the one who does all the work and gets overhsadowed by the gurning clown time after time... but I SHALL BE THE KING.. So, in your face, Harry/William."

Other members of Take That are, obviously, Prince Edward, I'm afraid.

Gordon in the morning: Near the Queen

Kanye West has been in London, and apparently The Queen is unhappy:

Kanye West tear-up upsets the royals

By GORDON SMART, Showbiz Editor

WHEN Kanye West moved to London it was a dead cert he'd rub a few people up the wrong way with his Zoolander antics.

Now he has not only upset the fashion world but also members of the Royal Family.

Gordon bases this on a quote from Kanye's special friend Big Sean:

"We went to London and we were right next to the Buckingham Palace and the Royal Family."

Gordon inflates this claim:

The rapper has been living at the Lanesborough Hotel — just a stone's throw from Buckingham Palace — for the past few months.

Next to? A stone's throw?

Not according to the hotel's website, which points out it actually sits over half a mile from the Palace.

But, hey, Big Sean can save this non-story. What if the royal family were actually in the hotel?

There were members of the Royal Family staying below us.

"Kanye had rented out the top floor and we was banging that bitch out.

"Every room was a studio. The Royal Family below were complaining like, 'We got all this loud-ass rap music above us and weed smoke.'"

Yes, the Royal Family would be staying in a hotel in central London, on account of not having hundreds of bedrooms available in the city.

It's funny, by the way, how Sean talks about selfishness as if it's a great thing.

Olly Murs admits he's only as famous as the woman on the money at home

Olly Murs - imagine Gary Barlow crafted by the makers of Fireman Sam - appears to overestimate his brand recognition:

Asked whether he is as well-known as the queen, he said: ''Maybe in the UK, but the queen is known across the world and I definitely don't think I have got to that status.

The Queen was reported to be "fuming" at the suggestion: "Sixty bloody years on the notes and stamps, sixty state openings, sixty Christmas day messages. Can he compete with that? I've got a fucking bridge named after me. Where is the Olly Murs bridge, if he's so famous? Can he show me a single pillar box with his initials on? I'm tempted to have him thrown in prison. I've got prisons. They're my majesty's prisons. Murs hasn't even got a lock-up garage. Tosspot."

Nevertheless, a Buckingham Palace spokesperson did reveal, on condition of anonymity, that the Queen's advisors are considering an offer for her to mentor the girl band on next year's X Factor "to help with brand recognition in the 16-30 age bracket."

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: HMV stands aloof from the nuptials

While all of Nottingham is going crazy for Chinless-Wonder-Wedding promotions, HMV will hold itself aloof. Head of Turn That Noise Down It's Only A Bloody Wedding for HMV, Gennaro Castaldo, explained:

HMV is selling wedding-related products but no stores are holding events.

Gennaro Castaldo, press officer for the chain, said: "Companies are just conscious of not looking like they are cashing in and doing it for the sake of it."

A massive thought bubble, reading 'let's hope they don't realise it's because we couldn't afford a yard of bunting, never mind a lifesize cutout of Kate Middleton' appeared briefly above his head.

It's nice to know that the wedding stuff HMV is selling isn't an attempt to "cash in" on the wedding. Presumably those downloads and CDs Gennaro is excited at shifting are being sold at cost, as a public service?

PRS take falls; blames "piracy"

For the first time in its history, PRS has taken in less money than for the year before:

PRS for Music, the organisation that represents 75,000 songwriters, composers and music publishers in the UK, blamed digital piracy and a fall in high street sales for a 1% year-on-year decline in total royalties, down £7m to £611.2m in 2010. Royalties from recorded media fell 8.8% to £117.2m, only partially offset by an increase in income from overseas and from commercial radio in Britain.

Really? They're blaming piracy? That's the best they can do?

Record sales have been falling for ages, and "piracy" has been part of the environment for the whole of the century, so isn't that "normal operating conditions"?

Robert Ashcroft, chief executive of PRS, which represents artists such as Jessie J, Adele and Florence and the Machine star Florence Welch, said: "The loss of high street outlets, the slowdown in physical music sales as well as the challenges capturing the full value of music usage online has meant that for the first time we have seen royalties collected dip.

"Previously, any reduction from falling physical sales had been offset by our strong performance in music licensing both in the UK and internationally. In 2010 slower growth at home and abroad failed to fully mitigate the decline."

Yes, The Guardian really does try to spice up Robert Ashcroft by mentioning that PRS "represents artists such as Jessie J, Adele and Florence and the Machine star Florence Welch" - a very, very cherry-picked trio from a very, very long list.

But there is some good news:

While overall revenue fell £7m year on year, PRS for Music said the actual amount paid out to its members was down by only £0.8m due to reduced administration costs and improved efficiency within the organisation.

That makes it sound like PRS found six million pounds of efficiency, which sounds like a lot of inefficiency that's been burning through artists' money right there.

And there's still more to cut, judging by the continued outpouring of pointless surveys being churned out by PRS:

Latest research from PRS for Music has revealed the top 5 favourite songs, as voted by the Public, to be played at street parties* being held to celebrate the forthcoming Royal Wedding. Also revealed are the top 5 most popular songs for the happy couple’s first dance.

Dancing In The Streets, in case you're interested. Dave and Mick, not the proper one. The "survey" has all the stench of participants being presented with a predetermined list to choose from.

Commenting, Guy Fletcher, Chairman PRS for Music, said: “There are some great suggestions in this chart to help people plan their own Street Party celebrations for the Royal Wedding. As to the first dance, I’m sure Kate and William will chose a song that is special to both of them. Any writer will hope their song is chosen as it will undoubtedly receive both an airplay and sales boost.”

To be fair, without an expert from PRS, who ever would have guessed that the couple would choose a song special to them for the first dance? Why, without this survey I'd have assumed that Kate and Will would have merely installed a jukebox, hitting it, Fonzie-style, in order to randomly select a first dance.

Still, perhaps the survey can be excused because PRS is going to make some money from the licences sold, right?

PRS for Music, the organisation which licences the public use of music, has announced it will make no charge for music licences for certain small community events, including street parties, to encourage celebrations for the Royal Wedding taking place on April 29th.

The policy which will come into effect between 22nd April 2011 and 6th May hopes to help communities all across the UK enjoy the benefits of music to celebrate the forthcoming nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Actually, that's a nice gesture from an organisation that usually tries to force you to buy a licence for humming on a crowded bus, but how sickening that it's not a move they're taking to encourage people to enjoy music, but to fawn over two very rich people having a bunfight. If you're running a small community event on May 7th, perhaps to raise funds to fix a church spire or to try and plug some of the many gaps in public provision being opened up by the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats, you're out of luck. Pay up, people.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Wedding preparations

Back when Charles and Diana got married - whatever happened to her, by the way? - the ceremony was released on records by both ITN and BBC. Scientists say that most of the discs actually rolled themselves direct from Woolworths to the nearest branch of Oxfam.

Still, it was 1981, and if you wanted to enjoy the ceremony over and over again, you pretty much had only a record as a way of doing it.

Quite why they're bothering to stick out a record of the forthcoming wedding between William and Koo Stark isn't clear, but they are. Chief regal nuptial expert at HMV, Gennaro Castaldo, is excited:

Gennaro Castaldo, of HMV, which will be among the online and high street stores selling the album, said: “We’re expecting huge demand for what, no doubt, will prove a highly collectible recording and piece of royal memorabilia.

“We could well be looking at the first ever number one royal album, and you could even have a situation where the Royal couple find themselves at the top of the singles chart as well.”

Really? The download version isn't really a souvenir, being a digital file - tricky to take to Antiques Roadshow - and are there really enough people interested in specific parts to push bits up the singles chart?

I do like the possibility that Kate and William might be invited to mime to bits of their wedding on the Christmas Top Of The Pops, though.

Wouldn't you just tape it on your Sky+ if you were that bothered, though?

Gordon in the morning: The cinema super friends club

Gordon reports this morning that Madonna is getting film-making tips from Prince Edward.

It's a bit like Harold Shipman getting patient care tips from Crippen, surely?

What's Edward going to offer? "Don't put yourself in as an actor and - oh, yeah - lots and lots of coverage of people playing real tennis. That's the celluloid magic."

It turns out Edward is giving advice more on content than form - Madonna is making this movie about Wallis Simpson. How Edward would help here is a bit of a mystery - he'd have been not born when his uncle abdicated, so his value as eyewitness will be about as great as the guidance he can bring from his own filmmaking days.

Princess Michael Of Kent - who's like the supply teacher royal - has also offered her unique perspective, having been born just nine years after abdication and marrying into the family forty years later.

By the way, if you've been wondering how Madonna will manage to louse this one up, Gordon has a pretty strong hint:

W.E focuses on how Edward gave up the throne to marry Mrs Simpson - who was still wed to her second husband when they met - plus a modern-day romance between a married woman and a Russian security guard.

Oh, a parallel story in modern dress you've made up all by yourself? Yes, that's what this story was crying out for.

Why did the royals get involved? As you'll have noted, it's the sort of royal who would turn up on the off-chance if they spotted a velvet rope; "other senior royals" apparently turned Madonna down.

The source added: "When the Palace were contacted by the film company for guidance on historical fact, they were a bit apprehensive at first given the subject.

"But when they heard Madonna was behind it they lent their support and arranged for key people to get involved."

Really? The Palace did? Because The Queen's staff are starstruck by Madonna, are they? And since when were Edward and - god help us - Gloucester and Mrs. Gloucester the Monarchy's key figures?

Glastonbury 2010: Prince Charles headlines

There's some stuff in the papers today about Prince Charles causing some embarrassment at Glastonbury.

The idea of Charles tramping round Glastonbury, surely, is embarrassing enough - although now he's amazingly discovered that he's amazingly related to Robert Patinson off The Cosby Vampires, maybe he's trying to dig deeper into pop culture.

Still, this is supposedly the big gaffe:

Prince Charles put his foot in it at the Glastonbury Festival yesterday when he asked an Australian if he was an illegal immigrant.

The prince made the remark to Nick Wardle, 22, during a visit to the site of this weekend's music extravaganza in Somerset.

Cheeky Nick approached the prince and said: "Hello mate, I'm Nick from Australia. I'm working at the festival."

Prince Charles replied: "I would never have guessed. I hope you have a permit to work over here."

In other words, he didn't accuse anyone of being an illegal immigrant. He didn't even accuse anyone of being an undocumented worker. What this appears to be, instead, is Charles having a crack at topical humour. Clunking, mildly offensive topical humour, perhaps, but if ITV was still doing NewsKnight, the Prince would certainly have been booked.

Nick Wardle, sharp as a knife, shot back "I know, it's terrible when someone comes from overseas and steals the top jobs. Like, our Head Of State doesn't even live in the bloody country."

Actually, he didn't:

Nick replied: "Yes I do, mate."

Nick told the Mirror he thought it was funny, but that doesn't seem to have stopped the paper going on about it being a gaffe.

Mind you, there could be some mileage in this idea - George Osborne's looking for ways to fund the corporation tax cuts he's got planned; royals meet lots of people. Getting them to check people's papers as they go around could save a fortune. I look forward to the Queen going along the line at the Royal Variety: "Hello - you're not claiming benefits too, are you? Hello, can I check your tax return..."

And people think the Windsors are out of touch

Kanye West tells of a moment of terrible embarrassment with the Princes backstage at the Diana concert:

"One of them said 'I thought those glasses were bling' and the other one said 'It's Kanye West, they'd have to be bling.' I didn't have the heart to tell them that I'm the anti-bling."

What makes this timely is Jonathan Freedland's claims in yesterday's Guardian:

When Diana's sons strode on to the stage for that memorial concert, their ID badges hanging, roadie-style, around their necks, they bellowed: "Hello, Wembley!" Hard to imagine either their father or grandfather doing that.

Well, perhaps not onstage at Wembley, but there's a long history of royalty trying to seem at ease with young people by trying (and not really managing) to blend in - the Duke of Edinburgh Awards, The Prince's Trust, the Diana Concert are three generations of well-meaning attempts to connect with the kids on the street. And, as Kanye's anecdote shows, like their grandad and father, the Princes are willing to try to blend in - they're just not very good at it.

Donny Tourette: Doherty re-imagined by the Jim Henson workshop

We'll say this for Donny Tourette - he's either got a very thick skin, or a very thick something. Even he, by now, must have realised that even Jack Woolley can spot he's a bit of a laughing stock rather than a threat to the system, man.

But he keeps trying. Ooh, now he's threatening to tup a Princess:

“I’m mad for her [Beatrice, Andrew Windsor's daughter]. She’s definitely hot. She sort of reminds me of Peaches.”

“All I’d need is two minutes to turn on the Tourette charm and she’d be mine.

“I went to Mahiki this week because I heard Prince Harry was there. I thought he could put a good word in for me.

“It’s not just Beatrice’s looks I’m attracted to — she’s fifth in line for the throne. I could handle that.”

Bless him. He's like Benny From Crossroads with a guitar, isn't he?