Saturday, November 18, 2006

Won't someone think of our sides?

You may still be suffering delusions and tremors if you caught any of Children In Need last night. The highlight - and that's a word we use only so you can hear the hollow ring on "highlight", sounding out like the Big Ben bell - would have been the cast of Holby City doing Madonna's Hung Up. Shorn of its overproduction, it did make it clear just what a weak lyric the thing has (Maddy really does do a timecheck at one point - a quarter to two - purely so she has a rhyme for "hung up on you". And "ring ring ring goes the telephone" - was this co-written by the Flumps?) but the bizarre acto-flotsam who've washed up in the series was almost enough to distract you. Jesus and Roland Rivron? Bloody hell.

And let's not even pretend we understood the How Clean Is Your House Gig bit: we know it was for charity and a bit of fun, but unless Status Quo colour in their bed with felt-tip, it was so staged as to be pointless.

We didn't see, we don't think, the cast of Two Pints Of Lager and A Packet Of Razorblades Hidden In Their Crisps "doing" Club Tropicana, as we started to swig neat whiskey round about the time they made Will Mellor and Ralf Little remove their clothes and have Michelle Dewberry from The Apprentice and Scott Mills rubbing fake tan into them.

Every BBC employee will have added Scott Mills to their hatelist after - over on BBC Three's Celebrity Scissorhands - he got the option to shave Mark Thompson's beard, and did so without a single nick, never mind an open blade to his throat and a snarling "don't offshore those people's jobs, Thompson, if you know what's good for you."

It was lovely to see Steve Strange hold his hands steady enough to break a Guiness Record for most heads shaved in an hour. Oh, Norris McWhirter, that you were alive at this hour...

One charity night finishes only for the next to wash into view, of course: and who could fail to cancel all their plans for February at the news that Matt Lucas and Peter Kay are teaming up to cover The Proclaimers' 500 Miles in aid of Comic Relief.

Sov sobs, sods off

Lady Sovereign had a bad night of it last Wednesday, trying to struggle through a performance despite doctor's advice to rest. She tried, though, dammit, she tried:

“She then left the stage abruptly a few times. She tried going through her songs 9 to 5 and Blah Blah but stopped in the middle of both.

“She then completely broke down, bawling hysterically and falling to the ground. They practically dragged her off the stage as the crowd went insane. She never came back.”


Sometimes, you're better off just taking to your bed with a lemsip.

Dave Gahan: "Where's the respect?"

Ooh, it must be tough being Dave Gahan. Simply because Depeche Mode spent years making highly-poppy synth-driven tunes, then discovered s&m and spent the following years suggesting their early stuff was pissweak, before releasing it on a best-of anyway and disappearing via the local dealers' patch up their own arses, then returning with an - admittedly excellent - album and yet another rounding-up of their early stuff, nobody gives them any respect:

“I don’t get it. We’re a band that has come out of England, lasted and done well. But no one seems to notice and it does hurt.

“It’s a struggle here to get recognition for what we’ve achieved. We’re that oddball band that people don’t know how to categorise. We don’t fit the rock category and are not pop.”


It's a fair point - ver Mode are something of a handy whipping boy for the critics. But then... don't you boys like that sort of thing?

Heather Mills wasn't in it for the money

Heather Mills has insisted that she didn't marry Paul McCartney for his money, and can prove it. She told Extra that she can't be greedy, because she does a lot of good work for charity:

“I fell in love for the right reasons. I fell in love unconditionally.

“Eighty-five per cent of my income goes to my charity. The word gold digger doesn’t go with that.

“If I was a gold digger, I would have a lot of money in my bank account. I’d be worth millions and millions.

“I’m a good mother, I’m a good person.”


Actually, Heather, if you were a gold digger, you wouldn't have the millions in your account until the divorce goes through. And saying "I don't have hardly anything in my bank account" is hardly proof of anything much at all. You could, of course, prove those who think that you're a gold digger by, erm, refusing to accept a penny of your ex-husband's money. It really is that simple.

Of course, it'd be an expensive way to prove the point; and, after all, if people think you're a gold-digger, having a few millions might take the sting away somewhat, don't you think?

RandBobit: Ruth Brown

The death has been announced of Ruth Brown, one of the first inspirational voices of R&B who became a thorn in the music industry's side.

Known both as "the girl with a tear in her voice" and "Miss Rhythm", Brown was born in Portsmouth, Virginia in 1928; like many of her background, her first public performances were in church, and then around local army bases. It was her militaryfanbases who scraped together the railfare to allow her to attend a talent show in Harlem, and that win at the Harlem Apollo led to a role in Lucky Millinder's big band.

A backstage meeting with Billie Holiday persuaded Brown to develop something beyond her original half-Holiday approach:

"She was standing there and I went to go by her and she could tell my eyes were just welled up," Brown recalls. "She said, 'Let me tell you something. You've got a good voice. Find out who you are, because as long as you go out and sound like that, they're going to call my name,and they'll never remember yours.'"

While touring, she was spotted by a DC DJ. He knew some people establishing a new record business; he effected an introduction, although a car accident meant it took a year before Brown would be able to take full advantage of the offer.

With her legs still in traction, Ahmet Ertegun and Herb Abramson signed her to their Atlantic Records label. She rewarded them with So Long - the second in what was to be a long run of hit singles for Atlantic, which would come to be known as "The house that Ruth built." She then hit her stride, developing a sassy R&B style which would see her dominate the R&B charts for much of the 1950s and frequently visit the main listings as that most valuable of commodities, a crossover artist.

Her fame, though, didn't count for much in the South in the 1950s. During a national tour with Charles Brown (no relation), a Mississippi gas station attendant refused to allow Ruth to use the toilets - they were for white customers; told they didn't want the gas if they couldn't pee, a situation developed which started to look nasty, as Ruth recalled later:

"They said, 'Oh, you gonna take this gas,' 'cause they had the hose in the back of the car." Charles peeled out, and within minutes, the Fleetwood was surrounded by police cars.

"We thought they might lynch us 'cause we was in Mississippi," Ruth says. "I don't know how we got away except that Charles's grandfather,who was traveling with us, got out of that car and walked around in back and stayed with these officers about ten minutes. We were inside, nervous and scared to death. And when he came back and got in the car he said, 'Okay, let's go.' To this day, we don't know what his grandfather said or did to get us out of that. Charles and I thought we were goners that day."


You can hear her influence on most of the next two decades female singers, from Aretha to Etta; even Little Richard acknowledged that he'd based his vocalstylings on those of Brown. And although she had no formal training, she had a natural ear for music - Dizzy Gillespie observing that " Ruth Brown could hear a rat wee on cotton."

A change in label led to a slump in fortunes, and the 1960s weren't kind to Brown. A 1963 marriage to policeman Bill Blunt ended in divorce - he'd refused to allow her to perform during the marriage - and, broke, and with a child to support, Brown enquired about outstanding royalties from Atlantic. A cheque for $1000 arrived in the post, which was to be the last she'd see of any earnings for twenty years.

While Atlantic continued to do nicely from her recordings, Brown was scraping a living however she could:

"I did nine-to-fives. I washed dishes. I drove a school bus. I cleaned houses. Yes ma'am."

She still sang - at church, at small clubs for little or nothing - but her star wouldn't be revived activist Ann Sneed - buoyed by funding from the National Endowment For The Arts - brought her back under the auspices of International Art of Jazz.

Performing again, but still doing menial work, Brown contacted Atlantic once more to ask if she might not be owed some cash by them. On the contrary, she was told, you owe us monies unpaid from the 1950s. Shamefully, Atlantic continued to lie and stonewall.

An old friend from the 1950s, Red Foxx, repaid Browns' kindness to him the past (she'd helped him with money when he had none; now he came to her aid.) Riding high in the USSteptoe remake Sanford and Son, he got Brown work in the series, and cast her as Mahalia Jackson in his stage musical Selma. It provided a base from which Brown was able to start to rebuild her career, although this comeback was nearly thrown off course after she was the victim of some brutal domestic violence meted out by partner Earl Swanson.

Another survival; another summoning of strength.

Invited to sign some albums backstage after a Washington gig, Brown was surprised to see records she'd never even heard of. Pointing out that she'd never earned a cent from these titles, Brown signed anyway. She was lucky, though, that the autographs had been requested by Howell Begle, an entertainment lawyer. He took on her case, and that of others who had been conned by Atlantic into signing away rights, and threatened with large bills for "unpaid expenses" when they dared to ask about recompense. After a long battle with Atlantic, and then with Time Warner when they bought the company, Brown would eventually win a back payment of $30,000; thirty-five other artists also got the money they'd been owed for thirty years and a shamed Time Warner were bounced into reluctantly endowing the Rhythm and Blues Foundation. (The next time record labels talk about how they "support artists", try picturing the pile of records lost to the world because Atlantic kept R&B singers in poverty, cleaning rooms to live when they should have been making music.)

Brown won Grammys, Tonys and - in 1993 - an induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Her citation in the Hall of Fame records her musical achievements; it oddly finds no space for the arguably more significant work she and Begle did in calling record companies to account.

Ruth Brown died from a stroke. She was 78.

Hudson no longer for the Crowes

The always slightly unexpected pairing of Chris Robinson from the Black Crowes (apparently Primal Scream didn't just make them up to make themselves seem better, then) and Kate Hudson has come to a formal end: divorce papers have been filed.

New large out-of-court settlement request

The increasingly belligerent Universal music has launched a legal action against Rupert Murdoch's MySpace. Not his specific one ("interests: using monopoly power to pervert markets and subvert democracy; boogieboarding; international travel") but the company which he recently acquired. Universal want money for all the unapproved sharing going on.

Having recently successfully shaken down Bill Gates to get a buck every time some schmuck buys a Zune, and done a deal with Google to cover YouTube, Universal is obviously feeling a little unstoppable right now:

Universal's lawsuit, lodged in a US district court, claims that MySpace "encourages, facilitates and participates in the unauthorised reproduction, adaptation, distribution and public performance".

In a statement it added: "Our music and videos play a key role in building the communities that have created hundreds of millions of dollars of value for the owners of MySpace.


"Our goal is not to inhibit the creation of these communities, but to ensure that our rights and those of our artists are recognised."



There are also plans to sue USMail, on the grounds that there must be some postal workers who sometimes whistle, and when they sometimes whistle, they might whistle Universal-owned tunes.

I think we're nine stone now

We're not entirely sure the US network have got the point of Celebrity Fit Club - it's meant, of course, to be Fat Club, only with a letter changed to protect the fragile egos of the slightly overweight celebs. But the American line-up for the next season includes Tiffany and Warren G - neither of whom have exactly let themselves go; indeed, we understand from Playboy "required very little airbrushing" when she spread herself over its centres not so long ago.