Babyshambles split... again

As Babyshambles head out onto their arena tour, the line-up has already shifted, with returning guitarist Patrick Walden quitting again without playing a note.

He got as far as the Manchester MEN arena, but didn't make the stage:

Speaking exclusively to NME.COM, guitarist Mick Whitnall said that "complications" caused Walden's sudden change of heart.

"He came up to Manchester on the tourbus with us, he was going to come out and play on a couple of songs, but there were complications and he had to go home. Personally, I just found it all a bit strange," he said.

If you're in Babyshambles, and things appear strange to you, they must be very rum indeed.

No more Stone Roses ever - pledge

Ian Brown has insisted that there's not enough money in the world to tempt him back to reunite with the Roses:

"I've got offers to play in 15 different countries [as a solo act]. I really enjoy collaborating with whoever I want and going round the world.

"I know the Roses mean a lot to people, but I haven't really thought about it much in the last ten years.

"We get offered a lot of money to do it. I know they say every man his price, but I'm not for sale."

Of course, anyone who really loved the Roses wishes they'd actually split before the second album, rather than hopes they'd reunite in early middle age.

Last FM attempts to fix Christmas

In the seasonal rush for a Christmas number one - Cliff Richard, whatever bag of spuds is spewed up from the X Factor, something supposedly funny - a new paper-hat-from-a-cracker has been hurled into the ring in the shape of Lucky Soul's Lips Are Unhappy. This has been chosen by the CBS-funded Last.FM community to be the target for a campaign designed to show the power of online hitmaking. The idea being that everyone on Last.FM buys a copy, it takes the seasonal number one position and everyone in the music industry quakes in front of the power of the new hitmakers.

There's a couple of problems here. First, as the NME's embarrassing attempts to propel God Save The Queen to number one demonstrated, it's not actually that easy to rig the charts in this way.

The second is what, exactly, is the motivation for Last.FM members meant to be here? Admittedly, they were invited to participate in a vote to chose the record that would be pushed by the campaign - but presumably the people who voted for Lucky Soul would be interested in buying it anyway; those who preferred another track would, surely, rather spend their money on buying a song they liked rather than one they didn't?

And it's the purchase price that is key here: sure, the download is priced at a reasonable 49p, but that's still an actual payment. Why would anyone want to spend half a quid of their own money on what is, in effect, a marketing campaign for a company owned by one of the biggest media organisations in the world? If CBS want to push Last.FM, can't they use some of the Viacom outdoor poster sites rather than shaking down the userbase to chip in to cover the costs?

Mills' infiltration plans fall apart

Heather Mills' super-secret plans to infiltrate the powerful and rich to make everyone do her bidding seems to have hit a snag. While GM-TV were happy to run interviews (more like pieces-to-camera, to be honest) when she was sobbing about her nasty divorce, it turns out they're less keen to let her use the sofa to promote her vegan interests.

The Mirror's Nicola Methven is relieved:

She'd only urge everyone to drink rat's milk. Yuck!

Not, surely, for a vegan campaign, Nicola?

Borrell dates shopkeeper's daughter

According to what's left of the 3AM team, Johnny Borrell is currently dating Camilla Al Fayed, daughter of the more rich ("more famous") Mohammed Al Fayed.

Al Fayed, of course, owns Harrods and spends most of his days dictating the front page of the Daily Express. Unfortunately, Borrell has just played a solo gig at Harvey Nichols.

Apparently, that wasn't very good, either:

"It wasn't a very good place to give a performance as no one was really interested and people stayed in the bar."

We love the way the implication is that the audience is somehow lacking something, rather than the performance. Whoever knew that drinking would be preferable to listening to a Borrell solo show?

Newton leaves with a five year-old story

Yes, just because she's leaving doesn't mean that Newton hasn't got time to bring forward the big stories today. She's running a piece on Kylie's bum-in-the-air waxwork:

Kylie shamed by saucy waxwork

The admission came as the pop princess was immortalised with the unveiling of a brand new statue in her native Australia.

Actually, Victoria, the "admission" that Kylie didn't like the statue came when she spoke to the Kylie.co.uk website about it back in August 2002.

The end of an error: Newton takes her leave

If you have tears, pretend to shed them now. Victoria Newton is taking her leave of Bizarre, dedicating the lion's share of her column today to herself. So, no change there, then.

Like everything else, it doesn't make any sense:

THIS is a sad day as I’m giving up the best job in showbiz - editing Bizarre.

Really? So being entertainment boss of the entire paper is a worse job than editing a page? Why on earth would someone leave a job for one that's worse?

The time has come, after almost five eventful, fun and hangover-packed years, to finally grow up and try something new.

Did she mean to imply that the past five years have only been "almost" fun and eventful? Still, it's nice to see her suggest that she's not been writing like an adult for the time she's been at Bizarre.

I’m hanging up my designer heels to take an important new job as a Sun exec.

"Important new job"? I think you missed a "self" at the start there, Victoria.

But I’ll never forget my time in the hot seat experiencing some of the best moments of my life during my reign as The Sun’s Queen Of Showbiz, including being drawn by the people behind The Simpsons.

The woman who wrote this sentence has been promoted, giving her charge over other writers. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
There's a bunch of photos of artists pretending to like her, and some craven cowards have even sent "messages", like she'd died or something:

Some A-list names have sent messages wishing me well with my new gig - even though I’ve been a constant menace digging up stories for my loyal Bizarre readers, including many that ended up on the front page.

In other words, some hapless junior hack has had to ring around press offices to gather some quotes from PRs who care more about getting space in the tabloids than the quality of journalism in the UK.

My biggest idol and favourite pop star of all time, Madonna, said: “From the Queen Of Pop to the Queen Of Showbiz — good luck.”

Madonna, of course, has long since ceased to be Queen of pop; it's like getting a leaving present from ex-King Constantine of Greece.

At least Bowie's contribution wasn't fawning - in fact, it sounds like someone mentioned her name to him, and scribbled down the response without the "oh, yeah, I remember - that one from The Sun, isn't it?" at the start:

He sent me this rambling message: “The last time I met Vic I had just given up smoking and I mentioned making the casual decision to start smoking at 13 years old as being possibly one of the worst moves of my life, though the artwork on some of the packets was brilliant and kept me buying them just to flash the pack around.”

Coldplay - in what is surely the final abdication of any credibility they may have had left - go for a full-out fawn:

Chris, GUY, JONNY and WILL took time out at Coldplay HQ to draw the brilliant goodbye picture. Needless to say it will be framed and put in pride of place on a wall in my house.

And so, you might wonder, what has Victoria decided to be her major contribution to the profession of Woodward and Bernstein, Cudlipp and Foot?

I take great pride in having given HEATHER MILLS McCARTNEY her nickname of LADY MUCCA after exposing her as a former porn star.

Good luck with the divorce settlement, Mucca, I don’t think.

Well done, Victoria, you came up with a nickname that nobody else uses, based on a "revelation" that had already been in papers back before the McCartney-Mills wedding; you're vilifying a woman for appearing in sexual poses in a newspaper supported by Page Three. What a glowing achievement. We'll miss you.

And that's all the thanks they get...

What has been the main beneficiary of U2's intimate charity gig? Well, obviously MENCAP will do well from it. But doing rather better was an old story on BBC News about how ropey some of Bono's lyrics are, which experienced something of a bounce:

More people reading about Bono's "living like a mole" than their super secret surprise set.

... and then there was 1 am

The 3AM Girls column has been looking a bit ropey for a while, what with only two AM Girls writing it; now, sole survivor of the original line-up Eva Sampson has quit. She's off to work on thelondonpaper, which appears to be a Rupert Murdoch sponsored initiative to cover the pavements outside railway stations in London with paper. Presumably it's to hide the chewing gum or something.

The other 3AMie, Caroline Hedley, is stuck in America as Victoria Beckham correspondent - possibly the smallest job in showbusiness - and is said by the MediaGuardian to be in talks about her future, too.

Newton gorn from The Sun, possibly no 3AM in the Mirror? If we didn't expect the vacuum to be filled with new forms of vacuity, we'd be secretly thrilled.