Gordon in the morning: Stones v Peppers

I suppose it's not unheard of for Rolling Stones "security" to get out of hand, but even so: throwing Alexis Kiedis to the ground because they confused him with a fan seems a bit extreme.

Kiedis is fifty, which makes him about a decade too young to be a Stones fan, surely?

More seriously, even if he had been a fan rather than a Red Hot Chili Pepper, what had he done that justified being bundled to the floor? Does anyone who comes within twenty paces of Jagger get beaten up pre-emptively?

RHCP wanted Coachella to beg

One day, mark these words, there will be a film, garlanded with awards, about the exciting circumstances of the Red Hot Chili Peppers agreeing to play Coachella:

Cliff Burnstein, whose firm Q Prime also manages Metallica and The Black Keys, told Rolling Stone magazine that the LA band signed on as the Sunday night headliner with only an hour to spare.

"We've been in talks for months," he revealed. "It goes down to the wire. It's a negotiation."

You were agreeing to pay a pop concert in return for an almost certainly oversized cheque. It's not like you were trying to get a group of Nuns out of a hostage situation before the end of a ceasefire.

And what of suggestions that, perhaps, the Peppers might be a bit too vintage for Coachella?

Burnstein also hit out at reports the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who played Coachella in 2003 and 2007, were no longer suited to play the festival. "We'll be right in the target demo for Coachella. It's surprising, but it's true", he said.

I suspect Burnstein is confusing the demographics of the people who pay for the tickets with those of the people who actually use them.

Even younger rock stars are getting old

Anthony Kiedis turned 50 yesterday.

You're welcome.

Mending Bridges

So, earlier this morning I posted a link to Vulture's story about finding the Bridge from Under The Bridge, and a tweet which suggested that Kiedis had actually been interviewed on the bridge, on camera, back in the early 90s.

I was pretty certain I'd seen that, too, but... old age. Memory plays tricks. Here's the clip:


So, it turns out he spoke about, not upon the bridge, which does make Vulture's discovery a genuine discovery. Apologies to them for having downgraded their discovery to a rediscovery.

Gordon in the morning: Up on the roof

Bless him, Gordon tries to make band playing gig on roof sound like it's exciting and different.

It's the Red Hot Chili Peppers doing it this time. Gordon struggles to come up with some jokes:

Locals below were chuffed to get a Flea-bie. Well, ticket prices can be sky high...

You see? Because they were on the roof. Although when you're on the roof, the ticket prices aren't. Gordon's joke needs fixing.

Locals below were chuffed to get a Flea-bie. Because while the band are sky-high, at least the ticket prices weren't.

Gordon in the morning: N-Dubz mention the Chilis again

In case you missed the claims of N-Dubz hanging out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers last month, they're making them again. Although the story now seems to have been downgraded from 'having a fun time in the studio together' to 'having an awkward encounter in a corridor':

Dappy said: "Anthony had heard of us, which was amazing. Well, he knew the hat, it's like my calling card."

The rapper also said the Yanks were baffled by his language - just like us then.

He told Q Magazine: "I had to tell 'em straight, 'this might not be SHAKESPEARE but this is how I talk, bruv'. They definitely didn't get 'Peng'. Peng means fit, sexy, good looking."

You had to tell them that straight, did you, Dappy? Because one thing all music critics agree on is that it's impossible to tell the difference between the Chilis and Shakespeare.

There is something sweet about Dappy that he doesn't think there's anything strange that his hat was recognised rather than him. Of course, it's possible that the more successful musicians weren't recognising the hat as such, just spotting an idiot wearing a hat indoors. In California. Or were going 'oh, there's that idiot in a hat we were warned about'. Almost certainly, they'll have come away convinced that he's called Peng.

Gordon in the morning: An important change

There's been a minor redesign over at the Sun, so it's no longer Gordon Smart's Bizarre; it's Bizarre edited by Gordon Smart.

A crucial distinction.

The other stuff is still as it ever was - N-Dubz are supposedly now "pals" with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. On closer inspection, it turns out they're being polite to each other while in the same building.

Gordon in the morning: Vickers gets a smack

Even Gordon Smart can see that Diana Vickers has pretty much torpedoed any defence she might have had against claims she ripped off the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

The legal wrangle was pretty much inevitable.

Diana confessed in a recent interview she'd been listening to Under The Bridge the day before writing the chorus for her own song. She said "Sod it," when asked about the similarities.

She added: "Yeah, that happened without even knowing.

"We wrote the song in an hour. We had the song and it didn't have the My Wicked Heart bit in it and then we put the vocal in and we were like, 'Why does it sound so familiar?'

"Then we realised it was because we were listening to Under The Bridge the day before. We were saying, 'Should we change it? Should we not? What should we do? Sod it, no, we're just gonna keep it, it works'."

But this bit in Gordon's coverage just bemuses me:

Diana will be re-enacting her new video on tomorrow's X Factor, dressing as a circus ringmaster and a clown.

She might be feeling like that again when the lawyers' bills come in.

When the lawyers bills arrive, she'll feel like she's dressed as a ringmaster?

Flea to become the Kwik Save of the bass market

There's any number of rubbishy products with famous names and large price tickets attached, so it's surprising to see a celeb product which is trying the reverse. Flea is doing his own range of basses, but he's producing high-quality, low-price instruments:

"I found that a lot of the kids I was teaching were coming in with inexpensive basses, which were pieces of s---," Flea explained. "The necks were warped and were falling apart. They were like toys. I wanted to make something that kids could afford but were quality, play well and last a long time."

It's like Britney Spears decided to try and make a perfume which smelled nice instead of starting with the mark-up and trying to work backwards.

Chili Peppers turn out to have split

John Frusciante has officially been unofficially described as out the Red Hot Chili Peppers, says someone who knows, supposedly, but doesn't want to say who they are.

"Josh Klinghoffer has been playing with the group for a couple of months now," says the source. "Optimistically, the Peppers are trying to lock down a replacement for John, who has apparently quit.

"Mentally, John checked out a long time ago. He's interested in doing his own thing, his own albums - the whole big rock band machinery just doesn't appeal to him anymore."

To be honest, anyone whose departure would be leaked with the words "mentally he checked out long ago" is probably doing the right thing by stepping down.

Hall Of Fame shortlist announced

Who'll be given the increasingly-watered-down honour of an induction into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame? Some of this lot:
Abba
LL Cool J
The Red Hot Chili Peppers
Kiss
Darlene Love
Jimmy Cliff
Donna Summer
Laura Nyro
The Chantels
The Stooges
Genesis
The Hollies

It's hard to believe that Kiss - precisely the sort of dreadful good-idea-turned-into-grim-cash-machine that the Hall Of Fame trades in - aren't already in there.

Gordon in the morning: No Chilis for old men

What's the big story from the world showbizzy gossip this morning, then, Gordon?

Zep ace no fan of new music

Yes, Gordon is leading with the not entirely Earth-shattering news that Robert Plant is more fond of music from his generation:

[T]he grumpy singer made his feelings well known in a bar in Camden, North London, last week.

It turns out that Robert didn't like Radiohead or the Red Hot Chili Peppers much, and asked the staff if they had any Captain Beefheart.

Or, as Gordon puts it:

Zep legend demands Sixties nut not Chilis on pub jukebox

"Sixties nut". We wonder if Gordon had to Wikipedia Beefheart before coming up with such a descriptive term.

Actually, we're fairly certain it wouldn't have been a jukebox, would it, as you don't need to get the staff to change the tunes on one of those - you just do it yourself. That's kind of the point of a jukebox.

Having made this the top story, Gordon then realises 'chap asks for CD to be changed in pub' is going to need quite a bit of padding to make it to the bottom of the column.

So... um...

Led Zep’s brilliant reunion at London O2 Arena last year won them a new generation of fans.

Did it? Wasn't it full of the fans of the original generation?

What that "brilliant" gig wasn't full of was, erm, you, was it, Gordon?

I was gutted when I had to miss it to watch the SPICE GIRLS launch their tour in America. But it seems Robert doesn’t have much time for modern-day musical heroes.

"Gutted" when you "had to" miss it? Aren't you the editor?

Still, having reminded us that it was Pete Samson who reported on the biggest gig of last year for Bizarre readers, Gordon's still nowhere near the bottom of the page. So he embarks on comparisons between Led Zep and the bands Plant didn't want to hear:

Okay, so he might not like po-faced Radiohead and I don’t think they and Led Zep have much in common.

The 1970s rockers travelled the world in their fuel-guzzling jet — while THOM YORKE’s lot would probably prefer transport fuelled by recycled teabags.

Eh? "I can't listen to this band, they have an environmental agenda whereas I own a private jet". Right.

But what of the Chili Peppers, Gordon?

But comparing Chili tracks to nursery rhymes? Has old Percy finally lost the plot?

You're getting a little over-familiar there, Gordon, aren't you?

Hmm. Still some space to fill. Have you still got that Wikipedia page on Captain Beefheart open, Gordo?

You’re unlikely to hear Beefheart — AKA DON VAN VLIET — in your average bar. He wrote strange songs with odd timings and surreal lyrics.

His best-known album was 1969’s Trout Mask Replica, considered a masterpiece by fans.

He recorded with his Magic Band and also collaborated with fellow oddball FRANK ZAPPA.

I don't know whether I find "he wrote strange songs with odd timings" or "he recorded with his Magic Band" the more delicious example of 'man who likes Kasabian struggles to imagine what it must all mean' here.

But still, the bottom of the page is far, far off, meaning Gordon has to break out the speculation:

But if Radiohead and ANTHONY KIEDIS and the Chilis, are crap, I would hate to hear what Robert has to say about most of the rest of the current chart. He obviously judges everyone by his own band’s high standards.

Smart can't quite bring himself to carry through the logic of his own article and slam Plant, to judge by that mealy-mouthed "high standards" bit.

One more sentence, Gordon, and you can get back to sticking pictures from Nuts in your scrapbook. Come on, my son:

My source added: “Radiohead and the Chilis are two of the biggest and best groups in the world. But it seems they don’t compare to Beefheart in Plant’s mind.”

Now, that's the sort of tip-top contact that makes Gordon the obvious choice to edit Bizarre - having someone who will give him an off-the-record briefing that reveals that Radiohead and the Chili Peppers are "big" and "good" is the sort of scoop that Woodward and Bernstein could only have dreamed of. And we're minded to believe that it was another secret source who explained that, when someone says 'turn off Radiohead and the Peppers and put Beefheart on', that might mean that person prefers Beefheart to the other two, but Gordon has grafted these comments together to form a composite. And that's journalism.

RHCP say "that's our bad pun"

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are unhappy with Showtime, and in particular the network's use of Californication as a programme title.

Yes, we're seeing a struggle for parentage rights to a really lame pun:

"For some TV show to come along and steal our identity is not right," said the band's singer, Anthony Kiedis.

He described Californication as "the signature CD, video and song of the band's career".

They want Showtime to stop using the title - which, okay, could be fair enough; they also want all the profits the programme has made, which seems a little much. After all, it's not like people are tuning in expecting to see a RHCP video, is it?

It doesn't help that David Duchovny is playing a character called Dani California, of course. [EDIT: He's not; someone else in the show is]

Even so, the band might not have any sort of claim to the word, as show creator Tom Kapinos says he pinched it from a 1970s bumper sticker:

"Apparently in the 70s there were bumper stickers that said 'Don't Californicate Oregon', because Californians were coming up there, and I just thought it was a great, great title for this show."

Both sides will now be sued, of course, by bumper sticker manufacturers.

Groovy, man: 3AM save the world

Today's 3AM Girls column bizarrely is subtitled "VIP backstage at Live Earth", as if they've got themselves confused with the Sunday People's column. But even more puzzlingly, they've started writing like they're Ed Sullivan:

JOHNNY Borrell looked less than pleased when Razorlight's stage monitors failed in the middle of their set. He told the crowd: "Sorry, you can hear us but we can't hear ourselves."

Well we can assure you, Johnny, you were simply fab.

Fab? Fab?

There's also a bizarre piece about Justin Timberlake:

OH Lordy! Whatever happened to Justin Timberlake's appearance on stage?

Our ill-informed rivals claimed that JT was going to appear on stage with Duran Duran. Sorry, but it was never going to happen.

Well done, 3Amies, for, erm, reporting that something didn't happen in front of hundreds of millions people and trying to spin that as somehow proving that they're in the know.

We can all do that: I can exclusively reveal there was never any chance that Phil Collins would bring Sonia on stage to do Somewhere Over The Rainbow. The possibility that a naked Anna Friel would dance to the sound of panpipes on the Wembley stage? That was never, ever going to happen.

Still, the 3AMies did do some useful poking about backstage:

PRIZE for the most exotic dressing room goes to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It was like a boudoir with incense, drapes and Afghan rugs.

All, we're certain, carbon-offset. We bet.

Swearing and spoofery

After all that unpleasantness with bad language during Live 8, the BBC production team must have been hoping that the message about keeping it clean had got through.

I think it was two minutes into the start of the BBC One segment that Russell Brand was yelling "Jesus Christ" after Jonathan Ross pretended he was drinking water he'd previously passed; if the production team had been hoping that crossing to the stage would prove safer, how they must have been delighted when Chris Rock came on and tried to get out of his first joke (about Paris Hilton playing Wembley next week) flopping like a jellyfish without a moral compass by throwing out a "motherfucker". Quickly, we found ourselves back in the BBC commentary box for apologies from Ross.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers - if you ignored the bizarre poncho Kiedis was wearing - turned in a fine set; it does seem that nowadays they exist almost solely to pop up in the middle of these monster gigs.

Coming back after spending some time up in the loft (don't ask) the somewhat pointless Spinal Tap set was winding up - if you didn't know it was a spoof, you'd be wondering why there was a not-especially good rock band so far up the bill; knowing it was a spoof it was even harder to work out what they were here for: is this a serious statement, or is this ironic detachment? - before going back for more apologies about bad language from Jonathan Ross.

It's impossible to tell if Ricky Gervais' tale of only doing the Diana Concert because "I'm a sucker for the personal touch, and William and Harry asked me" is the spoofy-starstruck persona he used for his first couple of Comic Relief films, or if it's more like the "big mates with Bono" stuff he was showing off in this year's Comic Relief contribution.

James Blunt is singing Wild World at the moment, with all the conviction of a man whose idea of wildness is sneaking into the ten items or less checkout with a dozen eggs.

Drummers? You're kidding?

We're not quite sure why the person given the job of making the opening announcement was talking in a cartoon character voice - like the dog in the Davey and Goliath christian animation, to be precise - not who thought "the drummers from Queen, Foo Fighters and the Red Hot Chili Peppers" accompanied by what almost certainly appears on the running order as "photogenic ethnic drummers" would be the best way to start the event - it's not only given the impression that this is going to be all hand-made sandals and hand-knitted shawls - but, having got the crowd to a pitch of warmth, if not exactly fever, they're now taking an age to get them off stage creating a longeur between the grand opening and the first act. Could they not at least have arranged it so that Genesis could have been getting ready while they were drumming out We Will Rock You?

Still, there's no doubt that everyone knows what this event is, and what it's about, and what it's called.

Except, erm, the Daily Mail, who seem to think it's Live Aid.

Chris Moyles is trying to sound exciting about the prospect of Duran Duran.

Rehab not exactly medicine says Kiedis

When Avril Lavigne had her pop at Britney for going to rehab, it didn't quite ring true. On the other hand, when Anthony Keidis dismisses time spent amongst group hugs and soft pillows as a pointless exercise, you get the impression that at least he knows a little whereof he talks:

“Rehab is full of a lot of quacks that want to instantly diagnose you as this or that, or with something you might not actually have, just because you’re on a bad drug run or something.

“Then you show up and suddenly they decide you’re manic depressive.

“If you wanna get well, you’ll find a way.”

Of course, the truth is somewhere in between. It might help if journalists stopped using "rehab" when they mean "a refreshing spa break" for a start.

Live Earth line ups unfurled

The line-ups for Live Earth have been squeezed out into the public domain - these are the US artists inked in for the New York gig:

AFI
AKON
ALICIA KEYS
BON JOVI
DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
FALL OUT BOY
JOHN MAYER
KANYE WEST
KELLY CLARKSON
KT TUNSTALL
LUDACRIS
MELISSA ETHERIDGE
RIHANNA
ROGER WATERS
SMASHING PUMPKINS
THE POLICE

Presumably the idea is that by piling up so many artists in the middle of the road, people will have to leave their cars at home as they won't be able to get through.

Meanwhile, over here in the UK, Madonna, the Chili Peppers and the Foo Fighters will be headlining (nothing like flying a load of US artists in to play Wembley to encourage people to reduce their carbon footprint, eh?)

Genesis are also going to be there, not quite filling the Pink Floyd at Live8 slot, along with Duran Duran, Keane, Snow Patrol, the Black Eyed Peas, Razorlight, Corinne Bailey Rae, Bloc Party, David Gray, Paolo Nutini, and Damien Rice.

Remind me: is the idea to try and save the world, or make us feel like it's not really a bad thing if we do drive ourselves into extinction?

Big Fleas got little fleas

Apparently, Flea is worried by someone pretending to be him online. Apparently, this person isn't really called Flea at all. Obviously, Flea isn't really called Flea, either, but this fake Flea is, well, a bloodsucker:

The bassist has written an email to the group's fans urging them not to pay attention to a cyber impersonator who has been sending out "racist and insulting and disgusting" messages using his identity.

Meanwhile, John Frusciante has been sending angry emails complaining that fans have been booing Chili Pepper opening act, Mickey Avalon. It's wrong to express displeasure in a public forum, you see. Unless you're John Frusciante writing emails to your fans, of course.

Reading/Leeds headliners announced

You never thought you'd be pleased to see Razorlight anywhere, but at least the presence of Johnny and The Borrells on the headline list makes you able to pin down what year we're in - the other two headlines, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Smashing Pumpkins suggest we're just at the dawn of the 1990s.

Also announced: Ash, Nine Inch Nails, The Gossip, Maximo Park, Bloc Party and The View. Yes, Barbara Walters, live in Reading. Or maybe not.

Tickets will be on sale about an hour before they all sell out.