YOU'RE BUSTED

Isn't Matt Willis from Busted brave? Somehow, the story about him being brave made into The Sun. Wonder how?

Actually, maybe he's not quite as brave as it seems at first: some girls hanging about to meet him were getting unwanted attention from a man - and Matt swung into action:

When a mystery man began to harass them, the ex-BUSTED star and some pals told the pest to sling his hook — and he quickly scarpered.

So, that's Matt and some mates - with, presumably, the added back up of a gaggle of teenage girls - seeing off one bloke.

You've got to love those odds, right?

music matt willis busted

PINK LASHES BLUE

We're not sure if she was lining the cat's litter tray or something and came across an old newspaper, but Pink's decided she had to react to David Cameron's hiphop bitchslap. She doesn't of course, approve:

“I’d love to know what he is basing that on."

Probably something he heard Tony Blair say - most of his other things seems to be.

“That’s not the way to get to the kids. It’s an easy stereotype – almost too easy.

“That’s how they felt about The Beatles and Mick Jagger in the 1960s – that they were making the ‘devil’s music’.”

Exactly - and The Beatles and The Stones never caused any violence. Apart from Manson and Altamont, of course.

music pink david cameron

HEATHER'S DAD SAYS 'GIVE THE GIRL THE MONEY'

There is, of course, a limit to the number of drawings of vaguely foreign looking blokes sitting on planes with explosions happening on their laps that you can put in a paper, so even today there's space for a little update on the Macca-Mills marriage.

With her former sister-in-law popping up yesterday to accuse her of being... well, everything short of a liquid bomb plot, Heather might be pleased to hear from a relative-by-marriage who's taking her side.

On the other hand, Charles Stapley, her stepdad and Ted in Crossroads may not exactly have helped, by calling for Paul to hand over the money:

Charles, who lives in a one-bedroom flat in a South London council block, said a £200million payout would be "just a percentage" of the 64-year-old ex-Beatle's fortune, which is estimated at £825million.

Well, that's true - although 73p and £825million would also just be percentages of the fortune. We can see Macca being relieved this morning - "I thought she was after a fraction, but a percentage? That I can live with."

music paul mccartney heather mills

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH AGAINST ITS OWN BETTER JUDGEMENT

The Catholic Church in Italy has been pretty strident in its condemnation of Madonna this month; even as far as a cardinal calling - with the Pope's approval - for her to be excommunicated.

Oddly, though, Milan's Duomo cathedral is draped with a giant poster of the woman at the moment.

How can this be? The church calling for her to be thrown into perpetual hellfire while simultaneously displaying her on one of their most important buildings?

Ah, but the poster is an advert, for H&M. So the church is being paid to display it. It's interesting how you can have such burning principles, but won't allow them to get in the way of the business of money-changing at the temple.

music madonna pope

THE F-WORD'S HERE AGAIN

Presumably funding himself on the money from having supplied the Gordon Ramsay show with a theme tune, Stephen Jones has reactivated Babybird with a new album and, yes, a tour, too:

September 26th - Wolverhampton, Little Civic
27th - Glasgow, Barfly
29th - Liverpool, Academy 2
30th - Nottingham, Rescue Rooms
October 1st - Manchester, Academy
2nd - Sheffield, Boardwalk
4th - London, Islington Academy
5th - Brighton, Pressure Point

The new album is Between My Ears There's Nothing But Music, and due to start appearing in Amazon boxes from October 2nd.

music babybird

THE LONG TOUR

The first signs of autumn are here, with bands booking themselves in for long traipses round the nation.

Bands like the The Long Blondes, who are doing this all October:


01 - Norwich Arts Centre
02 - Stoke Sugarmill
04 - Manchester Academy 3
05 - Leeds Cockpit
07 - Newcastle Northumbria University
09 - Aberdeen Lemon Tree
10 - Glasgow Oran Mor
11 - Belfast Speakeasy
12 - Dublin Crawdaddy
13 - Liverpool University Stanley Theatre
15 - Oxford Zodiac
16 - Nottingham Rescue Rooms
17 - London Mean Fiddler
18 - Cambridge Junction
22 - Cardiff University CF10
23 - Bristol Thelka
26 - Brighton Concorde 2
27 - Southampton Joiners
28 - Birmingham Carling Academy 2
29 - Sheffield University Foundry

Rather a long break between Cambridge and Cardiff there - couldn't they squeeze in Northampton and Bath?

music long blondes

KERRANG UP THE MUSE

The annual awards given by the kind-of heavy metal magazine Kerrang are going to be themed along the lines of a "twisted carnival" this year - which aside from being a hackneyed old idea (although, to be fair, they haven't said anything about bringing Jim Rose out of retirement) is meaningless: a carnival, done properly, is always going to be twisted. That's what a carnival is. Having a "twisted" carnival is like holding an unhygenic dirty protest.

Anyway, they've got people to vote through MySpace this time round (very modern) and these are the nominees:

Best British Newcomer (sponsored by Myspace.com)
Voted for by the readers of Kerrang! Magazine, Kerrang.com and Myspace.com

Nominees:
Bring Me The Horizon
Brigade
The Automatic
Mendeed
Enter Shikari
The Blackout
The Answer


Best International Newcomer
Voted for by the readers of Kerrang! Magazine and Kerrang.com

Nominees:
Aiden
Panic! At The Disco
The Academy Is...
Wolfmother
Angels And Airwaves
From First To Last


Best Live Band (sponsored by Carling)
Voted for by the readers of Kerrang! Magazine and Kerrang.com

Nominees:
Muse
Bullet For My Valentine
Trivium
Mastodon
Dragonforce


Best Single
Voted for by the readers of Kerrang! Magazine and Kerrang.com

Nominees:
Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down
Bullet For My Valentine - Tears Don't Fall
Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
Trivium - Dying In Your Arms
Lostprophets - Rooftops
Placebo - Infrared


Best Album (sponsored by Virgin Megastores)
Voted for by the readers of Kerrang! Magazine and Kerrang.com

Nominees:
Fall Out Boy - From Under The Cork Tree
Taking Back Sunday - Louder Now
Muse - Black Holes And Revelations
Lostprophets - Liberation Transmission
Bullet For My Valentine - The Poison


Best Video
Voted for by the viewers of Kerrang! TV

Nominees:
Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down
AFI - Miss Murder
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
Green Day - Jesus Of Suburbia


Best British Band (sponsored by Roadrunner Records)
Voted for by the readers of Kerrang! Magazine and Kerrang.com

Nominees:
Muse
Lostprophets
Bullet For My Valentine
Hundred Reasons
Fightstar
Funeral For A Friend


Best Band On The Planet
Voted for by the readers of Kerrang! Magazine and Kerrang.com

Nominees:
My Chemical Romance
Fall Out Boy
Trivium
Avenged Sevenfold
HIM
Lacuna Coil


Other Awards on the night:
Classic Songwriter
Spirit Of Independence
Hall Of Fame (sponsored by Island Records)
Icon Award

Is it just us, or is the idea of having an award - any award - sponsored by a record label a little bit odd - you might as well abandon the whole voting stage and just put the awards up for sale. It works for Blair, after all.

music kerrang

HERE WE YO...

Assuming they can get over here, the rather splendid Yo La Tengo are all set up to tour, tour and tour again in support of their September album I Am Not Afraid Of You And Will Beat Your Ass.

You can see them here, and here, and here:

SEPTEMBER Sat 2 - Dublin - Electric Picnic Festival
Sun 3 - Glasgow - Indian Summer
Tue 5 - London - Bush Hall (If you've already got tickets as it's sold out)

NOVEMBER Tue 7 - Cardiff - Point
Wed 8 - Gateshead - Sage
Thu 9 - Cambridge - Junction
Sat 11 - London - Forum

God alone knows what they're doing between September 5th and November 7th, but we hear rumours of blood sacrifice and lost kingdoms, so they're probably off to Ibizia.

music yo la tengo

WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE iPODS?

An aspect of the crackdown on security in the face of the threat that may or may not prove to be more real than the ricin attack on Old Trafford or whatever it was they parked all those tanks outside Heathrow for that time:

You can't take your iPod on the plane.

Seventeen days lovingly filling the hard-drive with carefully crafted playlists, and the whole thing will end up wrapped in your pants in the hold.

The terrorists have won.

music ipod apple terror alert

TRADITIONAL VALUES

Of course, their PR people will go into overdrive announcing they're like The Ramones crossed with Blondie and a dose of Romeoe Void bunged in for good measure.

But they sort of do manage to check off quite a few of those, and a few more besides.

And they're much more fun than the Scissor Sisters.

Meet The Human Value, about to release last year's debut album for the first time in the UK. And they're going to running around throwing their clothes all over the place:

Thursday 4th September: Business and Pleasure at The Enterprise, Chalk Farm Road
Wednesday 6th September: Tigertrap Records Clubnite, at a London venue yet to have the deposit paid
Thursday 7th September: Blue Cat Café, Stockport
Saturday 9th September: Cherry Bomb Disco at Carter's Old. No 7, Barnsley
Wednesday 13th September: The Loft at The Graduate, Cambridge
Saturday 16th September Venue: Sugarcubes Night Club, Lincoln
Wednesday 20th September: Korova, Liverpool
Thursday 21st September: Live at the Witch Trials at The Venue, Dumfries
Friday 22nd September: Misery of Sound at West Coast Rock Café, Blackpool
Saturday 23rd September: The Face at The Tube Club, Archway
Thursday 28th September: Go Ape at Moles, Bath
Friday 29th September: Redi Nights at Central Station, Wrexham
Monday 2nd October Dublin Castle, Camden
Friday 13th October: Vale, Glasgow
Thursday 26th October Club: Hang The DJ's at Isaacs, Barnsley
Friday 10th November Club: X-TRA Light at The Bar on Fryer Street in The Chubb Building, Wolverhampton
Friday 24th November: Burn Down The Disco at The Arches, Barnsley

All over the place, although Barnsley quite often, for some reason.

music the human value

WE WERE GOING TO SAY THIS WAS ODD...

... but then again, maybe it isn't.

Belinda Carlisle is playing Holmfirth, home of Last of the Summer Wine.

music belinda carlisle last of the summer wine

CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH, IT'S NOT FOR WHAT YOU ARE - ONLY WHAT YOU'RE NOT

Hunting crazy pop star Bryan Ferry has taken advantage of the hunt ban to get himself some work modelling suits for Marks & Spencer - presumably he decided to splash out on some new trousers safe in the knowledge they won't get ruined by flying pieces of foxes being ripped to shreds in front of him.

music bryan ferry

YOUNG PEOPLE WITH THEIR GADGETS

We're not that surprised at the Ofcom report published today which discovers young people use new technology, but we did raise an eyebrow at this finding:

Half of the group owns a games console and/or an MP3 player.

Which doesn't seem that odd until you cast it into pre-digital terms: Half of the group own a football or a tape recorder.

music

THIS IS OUR QUESTION, ASK HIM YOURS

Have you got a question you want to ask Nicky Wire? Like "good lord, what the hell went wrong, man? haven't you heard of quality control?" or, perhaps "is your onstage wearing of dresses done in the tradition of pantomime or is it just transvestitism you can get away with?"

Now's your chance: Uncut are looking for some questions to be put to him.

music manic street preachers nicky wire

WE'RE NOT RACIST, WE'RE SATIRISTS, SAY MTV

MTV's birthday celebrations have turned a little sour as critics have launched an attack on a cartoon which depicted Snoop Dogg walking women on a leash.

MTV's defence is that it was being satirical:

MTV said the "Woofie Loves Snoop" episode, which first aired on July 1, was "in fact a parody of an actual appearance Snoop Dogg made where he was accompanied by two women wearing neck collars and chains."

"We certainly do not condone Snoop's actions and the goal was to take aim at that incident for its insensitivity and outrageousness," the statement said.

Was it, indeed?

a look-alike of rap star Snoop Dogg strolls into a pet shop with two bikini-clad black women on leashes. They hunch over on all fours and scratch themselves as he orders one of them to "hand me my latte." At the end of the segment, the Snoopathon Dogg Esquire character dons a rubber glove to clean up excrement left on the floor by one of the women.

We're not entirely sure where the "aim" at insensivity comes there - drawing a cartoon of boorish bullying doesn't actually satirise the bullying, but maybe that's just us.

music mtv

ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS NOT AWARE OF OUST, WHICH ELIMINATES BAD ODOURS, AND DOESN'T MASK THEM

A girl who Robbie Williams "pulled" (i.e spoke to for a little while) wasn't impressed by his freshness. Diane Sorbello suggests:

“He smelled strongly of cigarettes. On the table were ten full packets.”

Aah - he might be a multi-millionaire, but he still can't resist the bloke selling fags table to table.

music robbie williams

DIDDY WANTS TO HOLD HANDS WITH BLUNT

Bloody hell - things must be tough for Puff Daddy if he thinks he needs James Blunt's help to meet girls. But apparently he does:

He told the You’re Beautiful singer: “You promised me when you became a big international superstar that I’d come to London and we’d run around and you’d introduce me to a whole bunch of beautiful women.”

[Blunt replied] “I could definitely do that.”

Well, "introduce" might be pushing it a bit, but James could take Diddy on a slightly stalkery recreation of the moment in You're Beautiful. We kind of like the idea of Blunt and Diddy hanging about the top of the escalators nudging each other:

"she's fit"
"yeah..."
"you gonna go and talk to her?"
"nah... I'm shy..."

Of course, they could only do this until the security services moved them on.

music james blunt p diddy

TREATING MARRIAGE WITH RESPECT

The end of any marriage is a terrible thing; the crushing of hopes and dreams, disaffection where once there was affection. Sometimes children are involved, and then the heartbreak is multiplied and multiplied.

It's a sombre time.

Having said which, The Sun is giving away badges with which you can show your support for McCartney or Heather Mills. Because a divorce should be more like a football match or something.

The interesting thing is that, if you respond to show your support for Paul, you get a badge which reads "I'm with Macca". If you want to demonstrate your support for Heather, though, you get one which reads "I'm with Mucca" - which, besides not meaning anything to anyone beyond the subs' bench at the Sun means that Heather "fans" have to show their belief by wearing a badge which accepts the News International portrayal of Heather as a woman whose sexuality marks her out as some sort of slut.

Even more interesting is that there's no badge in which you can say "I hope the settlement is equitable to both sides but mostly that it's in the best interest of the two year-old child."

The failure of the "Mucca" nickname to take is shown by today's cartoon in the Sun, in which Bill Caldwell depicts the yachts of "Macca's lawyer" and "Macca's wife's lawyer".

For added value, the paper takes a fumbled poke at Heather's claims to be lonely by running photos of her on a bike ride with a couple of "pals". As if the loneliness that people feel when a relationship ends is isolation rather than that more slippery "lonely in a crowd" feeling. Perhaps someone should play them Nothing Compares 2U sometime.

But it looks like Heather might no longer be able to rely on a kindly word from The Daily Mirror, who today have run a massive interview with Dianna Karmal. Who she? Apparently the wife of Heather's first husband. So, no reason that she might have a personal axe to grind there, then.

Speaking for the first time since Heather dumped Alfie, Dianna said she wants to give her side of the story about her brother's marriage and insists there are similarities between the way he and Sir Paul have been treated.

Speaking for the first time? Presumably it was a different Dianna Karmal who appeared in that The Real Mrs McCartney documentary saying much the same stuff back in 2003, then.

And, seemingly rising to an 'anything Victoria Newton can do, I can do better', the Mirror's Louise Male sings off this reheating of old tattle with a not-entirely-fair attack:

She emerged from the offices [of her solicitors] three hours later and was driven away.

She was dumpy, had terrible hair, and was nothing like model material.

So, after three hours talking about the end of your marriage, you don't look like you've spent three hours in hair and make-up. Fascinating insight, there, Louise.

music heather mills paul mccartney

ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS NOT GOING TO PLAY ABOUT WITH MEN IN SHORTS

You would have thought that if someone offered Robbie Williams a chance to have a kick around with Bayern Munich he'd jump at the chance. Not so. He was given an invite (the team share with a sponsor with him, which is very modern, isn't it?)

Felix Magath, Bayern's manager, reckons he's frit:

"Evidently he was afraid in the end to come out and practice with us," Magath told Wednesday's edition of the Passauer Neue Presse newspaper.

"Maybe he heard from someone that the coach in Munich is a bit tough. He then perhaps decided: 'No, that's a bit much for me. I want to be able to finish my concert tour in one piece.'"

Robbie? Afraid of a bit of rough and tumble with some blokes? Surely not.

music robbie williams bayern munich

BRAGG'S BEBO NO

Having managed to get a loosening of MySpace's terms and conditions for hosting music, Billy Bragg has now turned his attention to Bebo. He used a MediaGuardian chat with Beboites Michael and Xochi Birch to raise their terms:

The singer said Bebo's terms of agreement for music performers are "more onerous" than those offered by MySpace and wanted to know why.

"I was recently in dispute with MySpace over their proprietary rights in content clause. After being challenged on the issue of ownership, they have clarified their terms of agreement to state categorically that ownership rights in all content on MySpace are retained by the producer," Bragg said in his question to the Birchs.

"I notice that your proprietary rights clause is much more onerous than that of MySpace in that you claim perpetual and irrevocable rights in all content appearing on Bebo. This implies that, even if material has been removed from the site, you still retain rights in it," he added.

"Is that the case? If so, why do you need such rights? If not, can you make it clear where you believe ownership of content displayed on Bebo ultimately lies?"

Birch M replied (as you'd expect) that the clause is just designed to enable Bebo to stream and host the music, and invited Bragg to help them work the clause to make it "clear" where the rights really lay.

We'll see.

music billy bragg bebo

music

WIJ ZIJN EEN LERSE BAND

"We're an Irish band" proclaimed the young Bono from the Live Aid stage, "we come from Dublin, Ireland."

And U2 were an Irish band. Then.

Now, you might be surprised to hear, they're a Dutch band, having switched their operations to the Netherlands to avoid tax.

So, that's what Bono means with his ONE campaign - as in "looking after number". Interesting for a man who is happy to lecture governments on how they should spend their tax revenues is so keen on going out his way to make sure there's as little in the pot as there can be.

Remember, when Bono calls on you to campaign for your government to give more to developing nations, it's your money he's talking about. All yours, if he can possibly manage it.

music u2 bono

PANIC FACE THE JUDGE

The nasty split in the ranks of Panic at the Disco looks like its going to take a while to heal: Rusticated bassist Brent Wilson is taking them to court, says his brother"

A court case is in the making. Brent and his lawyer have taken the next step. A letter has been sent to Panic! stating that Brent will be taking them to court if he has not received an agreement from the band within 14 days. If this 14 day grace period is neglected, further measures will be taken. If Panic! does not agree to Brent's proposal, the case may take anywhere from two to four years. If, in the event the band does not come to a settlement, the IRS will have to get involved and things will get even uglier. In the mean time, the family thanks all of you for your support.

We love the air of brooding threat there - you wouldn't want us to bring the tax people in, would you? As if the IRS will read that and go "Hmm... wonder what all that's about? I hope he gives us a call to drop a hint" rather than getting their best new calculators out and paying a visit.

music brent wilson panic at the disco

ANOTHER MTV MARRIAGE GETS CANCELLED

After the split of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, you might be wondering if love truly is dead. If they can't make their made-for-TV faux-relationship work, can any of us hope to?

Now, Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler - he of Blink 182, she of 'look, there are my breasts' for the Playboy Empire, and together of MTV's Meet The Barkers, are splitting up after two years and just one series.

Last month, Janes Addiction-cum-Chili Pepper Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra decided the title of their MTV series, Till Death Do Us Part, was asking a bit too much and also knocked it on the head.

Reports are starting to come in of several pimped rides being de-pimped, too.

music travis barker shanna moakler

I BET YOU LOOK IN THE CHIP SHOP

Mark E Smith - who has seen a few bands come, and more bands go - isn't being unduly impressed with the younger generation:

"I think that the Kaiser Chiefs and Artic Monkeys should open a chain of chip shops in North Yorkshire. I think the East Germans had it right, actually. Every group used to have to have a permit.

"Until they came up with anything culturally relevant, like a classical composition. I think they should bring them in here. I should start a musical Stasi. If you can't play in fookin time, then fook off back to the factory."

But that does raise the question: would you want to drive in a car where Alex Turner had been responsible for putting the brakes in?

music mark e smith the fall arctic monkeys kaiser chiefs

KORN CONCERT DEATH: MAN CHARGED

There's been an arrest in the murder of Andy Richardson. Richardson was beaten after asking two men at a Korn gig to avoid bumping his partner and their child.

Korn eventually got involved, appealing for information, and now Atlanta police have arrested and charged a 24 year-old man, Michael Scott Axley.

music korn

WE'RE NOT SURE IF IT'S A FINE PER DOLL

Organisers of a Pussycat Dolls date in Subang Jaya, Malaysia have been fined because the band are a bunch of big clevagey slut bombs.

(We're translating freely, but only just):

"The Pussycat Dolls were guilty of performing sexually suggestive routines on stage," council President Mohamad Arif Abdul Rahman was quoted as saying. "In terms of their eye-popping attire, well, there's a lot of proof of that from our sources and the media."

The fine was 10,000 ringgit, which is just a little over two and a half thousand dollars. It could have been less, but the council wanted to send out a stern warning against the risk of a Paris Hilton gig ever happening.

music pussycat dolls

SEPARATING THE WACOS FROM THE WHACKOS

Apparently, it's not unusual for Pink to get some scary letters:

"The craziest thing [I've ever been sent] was a survival kit with a 16-page letter telling me I was inducted into a cult and that I should come and live at the person's home, using all the stuff in the survival kit to get there."

It's nice to know that at least our mail is getting through. We're still waiting, though.

music pink

GLASTONBURY 2007 TAKING SHAPE

Preparations are coming along nicely for 2007's Glastonbury Festival: heavy rain is being set up, people are practiscing doubling the cost of a can of lager and GPs around the country are familiarising themselves with the early signs of trench foot.

Oh, and Michael Eavis is sorting out headliners.

Apparently, Spingsteen is nothing more than a rumour, and while Kylie is being lined up, nothing has been signed yet.

And organisers are looking to increase capacity to 175,000 - although, of course, that won't mean overcrowding. We're sure.

music glastonbury bruce springsteen kylie minogue

LET'S ROCK? LET'S NOT.

The planned Let's Rock festival in Edinburgh has been cancelled. The organisers explain their reasons:

We are very disappointed and saddened to announce the cancellation today of Let's Rock! Edinburgh. This event was being funded with the aid of a private investor who is now not able to produce the necessary funding required to see the event continue. This unfortunately leaves us with no choice but to cancel the event with immediate effect.

Amongst those now trying to find something else to do on September 30th are The Futureheads and Babyshambles.

music the futureheads babyshambles

PETE DOHERTY WITH DRUGS ON THE STREETS

It's only an Alex Kapranos short of defining a generation: Babyshambles and The Steets working together on a version of Prangin' Out. Mike Skinner explains:

"I was the same generation as The Libertines and the first tour we ever did was in Japan with them," he said. "It was a festival tour where I first met Carl (Barat) and Pete.

"I wanted to get Pete on 'When You Wasn't Famous' but that didn't happen. He's quite a difficult person to get hold of."

As the magistrates courts can testify.

music mike skinner the streets pete doherty babyshambles

MORE COUNCIL CUTS

It's nice for Ken Livingstone to get some press coverage that doesn't involve people falling downstairs or taking theatrical umbrage at an odd off-the-cuff remark.

He's put some kind words into Westminster Council's ear to persuade them to OK a Scissor Sisters gig in Trafalgar Square.

Apparently tickets will free, although it's the sort of free that Live8 tickets pioneered - i.e. paid for by text message fees in some sort of lottery.

music scissor sisters

ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS NOT AFRAID OF WOMEN

For some reason, this morning's Sun runs some stolen pictures of Robbie Williams talking to a woman. In public, and without the slightest hint of shame.

That's Robbie Williams, talking to a woman.

We wonder why the paper thinks that's news?

music robbie williams

THE SUN PREPARES THE DUCKING STOOL

We believe this, from The Sun, is what they call a self-fulfilling prophecy:

THE McCARTNEY divorce is going to be the most bitter high-profile split since Charles and Diana’s ten years ago.

Certainly if they have anything to do with it, anyway.

Heather Mills, dubbed Lady Mucca after The Sun exposed her porno past, has hired the same lawyers used by the late Princess as she battles Macca for his millions.

Good lord, let the bloody Lady Mucca thing go. It's starting to look a little like Norman from accounts trying to get people to call him Killer.

So, so far we've got 'rich woman uses expensive solicitors', then.

Although she once claimed she had no interest in the former Beatle’s £800million fortune, ex-hooker Heather went to see top divorce firm Mishcon de Reya this week.

You really hope Victoria Newton had this piece run by the News International lawyers, as she seems to have just called Heather an "ex-Hooker" there, without any equivocation whatsoever - quite a risky thing to have signed your name to if Mills does intend to sue the News of the World once the divorce is over.

The Monday meeting she had with SIX of their top legal eagles went on for FIVE HOURS.

Expensive solicitors give incredibly close and detailed service to rich clients. Hold the front page!

Newton seems to suggest that employing Diana Spencer's divorce lawyers is part of a bid to try and somehow become Diana:

Heather is so deluded she believes she really should be as loved and as famous as the late Princess Diana.

She took up charity work based on getting rid of landmines — just as Diana had done.

And now she has hired Diana’s lawyer.

Heather should remember one thing.

She may aspire to be the Queen of Hearts — but all she will ever be is the Queen of Tarts.

Tarts, do you see?

Oddly (or perhaps not) the hiring of Charles Windsor's lawyers by McCartney doesn't drive Victoria into a bitter rant suggesting that he wants to be the King.

And is it really fair to suggest that the landmine charity work that Mills does is nothing more than an attempt to emulate the panda-eyed Di? Didn't Mills come to the charity through the work she'd been doing with people who had lost limbs; furthermore, weren't Diana and Mills doing landmine work at roughly the same time - Heather before Diana?

Newton can't believe the woman:

She once laughably even claimed to have been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and also that she was up for a Labour peerage.

But why is it laughable? As is pretty common knowledge, anyone at all can be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize; anyone can nominate. And in the year which it's supposed somebody nominated Heather, 1996, Bob Dylan was also supposedly on the list of names sent to the committee for consideration. Of course, we can't say for sure - the full list of nominees is sealed for fifty years - but there's no real reason why she shouldn't have been. And Labour peerages? Well, maybe she's over-claiming what happened, but when the bloke off Right To Reply gets one, why not someone who had a lot of knowledge on munitions legacy in former conflict zones?

Part of the problem, it seems, is that she just didn't know her place:

One source, who witnessed her behaviour in such situations countless times, said: “It was embarrassing.

“People would ask Paul what he thought about things and Heather would always butt in with what she thought."

Fancy that - a wife who wouldn't sit meekly and let her husband talk. She's lucky to be getting away with a divorce - I'm surprised there's not some sort of pyre being built.

But gather round, now, for Victoria's key paragraph: we suspect she might cross the line from reporting to commenting at some point here, so do keep your eyes peeled:

One of the things I find truly remarkable about Heather Mills is her total inability to recognise that she is a talentless tart, with no skill, limited intelligence and a seeming inability to tell the truth.

That would seem a little strident coming from a blogger; from a writer on a national newspaper - even The Sun - that seems extraordinary.

music paul mccartney heather mills

SO HERE WE ARE, RE-INVENTING THE WHEEL

Apparently, a tracklisting has been drawn up for the second Bloc Party album, reckons the internet. And it's going to look like this:

A Prayer To The Lord
England [formerly Blue Moon]
Hunting For Witches
It Started In An Afternoon
Kreuzberg
On [formerly Wet]
Seroxat
Song For Clay (Disappear Here)
Sunday
Uniform
Waiting For The 7:18
We Were Lovers [formerly Cells Shaped Like Stars]
Where Is Home? [formerly Perfect Teens]

The album is still in need of a name, a release schedule, and a cover photo of some mice doing homwork.

music bloc party

MORRISSEY PUNCHES AT JUDY

Morrissey has had a bit of a falling-out with Richard Madeley over animal testing: Mozzer, of course, is very against the idea. Apparently, Madeley, in his Sunday Express column (we know, we know) had a bit of a go at him, describing LaMazza as a "puffed-up pratt".

Morrisey doesn't take a challenge like that lying down:

"Thank you to the British television person (I'm not exactly sure what he does) Richard Madeley who, at least, made me laugh recently by referring to me as an 'insufferable puffed-up prat'. This comment may or may not be true, but I think it's a bit rich coming from a man who actually married his own mother."

Hmm. Is it just us, or is there something a little uncomfortable about the supposed Wildean champion of the underdog resorting to a response of "you have an old and ugly wife" as a retort?

music richard madeley morrissey

KEEPING THE CHAIR WARM

We hope that Janice Long is enjoying her holiday from Radio 2's midnight show, and not too alarmed that Liz Kershaw is sitting in for her. After all, the last time Liz took over to keep Jan's seat warm was when Long went on maternity leave from her Radio 1 programme. When Janice was ready to return, instead of her old job back on Night-Time, they asked her if she could cope with being a mother and doing Radio One More Time, a half-hour on Sundays. Of course, Radio 1 has changed a fair bit since those days...

music radio janice long liz kershaw

KASABIAN WITHDRAW THEIR REMARKS

After the grumbling that they were having to pay to see the band they were supporting comes a statement tonight, apologising for saying so:

We are sorry for the comments made concerning Rolling Stones ticket prices. We now realise Kasabian as a support band do not have to pay to see the Rolling Stones perform.”

“We are incredibly honoured and excited to be supporting the Stones on some of their European dates - it's like a dream come true for all of us.”

Curious - that's quite an extraordinary wrong end of a stick that Tom Meighan had there: we wonder how he came up with what seems to be such an odd idea.

We also wonder who demanded the, ah, clairification.

Doesn't, of course, stop the tax avoiding Rolling Stones overcharging everyone else.

music kasabian rolling stones

SCHEME THOSE SCHEMES

There's nothing especially punk about Hawthorne Heights. Or at least, there hasn't been so far. Now, though, they've declared war on their own record label, claiming that its behaviour has "severely damaged the group's reputation and its relationship with fans."

Back when the Heights were in a chart battle with NeYo, someone from Victory sent out an email:

"If you were to pick up (a) handful of Ne-Yo CDs, as if you were about to buy them, but then changed your mind and didn't bother to put them back in the same place," the message read, "That would work ... just relocating a handful creates issues."

A subsequent email was circulated claiming they were only joking.

Hawthorne Heights didn't beat NeYo in the chart battle.

They also claim that Victory signed their names to some sort of manifesto declaring war on R&B, a war with which they had no truck.

Naturally, they could live with all of this, but they reckon Victory is holding back money owed to them as well.

Victory, for its part, claims to be the injured party in all this and says it expects them deliver the two more albums promised under their contract.

music hawthorne heights ne yo

KISS PUCKERS UP AGAIN

Kiss, once one of the leading dance stations, is to return to its roots.

Although not by tearing up its licence and going pirate again; that would just be crazy.

But owners EMAP are signalling that the slow drip of transformation into a generic chart R&B format has been a bust and are hoping to reposition the network as a more cutting-edge dance network once more.

However, it's unclear if the plans can sit comfortably with the other strand of the 'new Kiss' - which involves reducing the level of local input into the regional Kiss stations (including the two Vibe networks, which will become Kiss and feature "the best" of the London Kiss programming). And there's a lot of talk of multi-platform delivery and so on, which may make great strategic sense but doesn't really say much about the music:

Bill Griffin, the managing director of the new Kiss network, who joined Emap from his role of Channel 4 marketing chief, said: "Kiss is one of the biggest youth media brands in the UK and is consistently the number one station for 15-34s in London.

"We wanted to build on Kiss's incredible heritage ... To recognise Kiss's status as a national media brand, we are building on the current 'young, fun London' ethos with a new philosophy - 'first to move'.

Presumably the listeners to what's currently Vibe Bristol can't wait to get some of that young, fun London feel.

music radio kiss

PORTISHEAD: AT LEAST IT'S NOT ROSEMARY, MA

The new Portishead album is coming along, although - says Geoff - it's not an easy process:

its really hard not to sound like your doing a bad Impression of yourself

ades computer has fuked up

we should become a boy band.......2 old blokes and beth

like steps

The band poo-poo the idea that they should drag in some modish support:

id rather poo in my mums suday roast than have danger mouse produce a portishead record

And it doesn't come much more poo-poo than that.

Oh, and Geoff's got a perspective on the Middle East, too:

we goto stop our fukin countries pretending we want some kind of peace in the middle east whilst we sell the same countries fukin arms to blow the shit out of each other........

blair is a wanker....................blair is a liar
but instead of doing anything about it ...... we will just watch you tube ..... eat pizza and have a wank off to the fashion channel

Of course, if it's anything like Thom Yorke, the post will probably vanish around midnight tonight.

music portishead

ROCK SICK LIST: Carl Barat

That's what you get for living a clean life: Carl Barat has snapped his collarbone, like a dry twig.

The Paddingtons' Josh Hubbard is going to be drafted in to be like a cricket runner, only he'll be playing the guitar on Barat's behalf rather than hoofing between the stumps.

Barat will continue to sing and stand around looking pretty. And dirty. And, erm, things.

music carl barat dirty pretty things the paddingtons josh hubbard

CHICKS NIX STICKS TIX

In a bid to "accomodate demand", the Dixie Chicks have pulled 14 dates on their current US tour.

That's accomodating as in accepting there's no demand and replacing them with dates over the border in Canada, where a more mature attitude to free speech is generally welcomed.

The band statement out their apologies:

"This is a year where we weren't sure what to expect.

"We were prepared for a lot of things as we figure out this new phase of our career."

"We hope that our fans who were looking forward to a stop that is no longer on the tour will be able to join us at a nearby arena this fall, and we are sorry for any confusion or inconvenience these changes have caused."

music dixie chicks

BONO BUYS INTO THE MEDIA

Bono - through his Elevation financial group - is taking a share of Forbes media empire:

“It says that we are in the business of helping content creators in the traditional media world manage the transition imposed by the Internet,” he said. Bono was not directly involved in the Forbes meetings, but Mr. McNamee said that the singer was attracted to the magazine because it “has a point of view,” adding that Bono “drove this part of the discussion and likes the fact that there has been a consistent philosophy throughout its history.”

Unless we're wrong, that "consistent philosophy" has been to flatter and please the hyper-wealthy, so it's good news for the ultra-rich that Bono is happy to buy into that.

"Mr. McNamee", of course, is one of Bono's big chums in Elevation: he also has his own band, the Flying Other Brothers.

Jim McCabe, who brough this piece of Wall Street dealing to our attention, added his own perpsective:

it's nice to see Bono continue his sterling efforts on behalf of the most downtrodden souls on this planet. Without this dramatic humanitarian gesture the entire Forbes family faced homelessness & starvation. However, Bono & friends have rushed to help in their hour of need & have truly made poverty history. Incidentally, Bob Geldof said he would have helped out, but was tied up with his current tour of European bistros.

The New York Times isn't missing the potential for irony, either:

Of course, Bono’s investment in a magazine that celebrates wealth and consumption is bound to raise eyebrows. But Mr. McNamee said the stake in Forbes did not necessarily clash with his politics and his rhetoric, saying, “The way you solve poverty is giving people the tools to overcome it.” Bono could not be reached for comment.

Aha! So, that's the answer, then - give a starving man a fish, and he will eat for a day; teach a starving man to catch a fish, and he will eat for as long as there are fish; take out a subscription to Forbes for a starving man, and he will be able to make enough to support his family by arranging a leveraged buyout of underperforming stock and sweating the assets.

music bono roger macnamee forbes

THE LAWYERS WAR ON JACKSON

You'd have thought that Michael Jackson would have spent more than enough time in courts, but apparently not. It seems he's the victim of the world's worst miscarriage of justice, and he's going to do something about it.

He believes his previous legal team were trying to send him bankrupt, says Raymone Bain, his manager and spokesperson:

"He has long been suspicious that some of those whom he entrusted to act on his behalf... may not have always acted in his best interest..."

She said Jackson had obtained documents that pointed to "one of the biggest conspiracies in entertainment history".

Raymone Bain, who as well as being Jackson's spokeswoman is also his manager, did not name the people behind the alleged conspiracy.

But she did say that it had been realised when documents were sent to Jackson "which reveal a deliberate plan by some former attorneys as well as associates and advisors to force Mr Jackson into involuntary bankruptcy."

We're not entirely sure how far this conspiracy went - did the lawyers put kids into pyjamas and parachute them into Jackson's bed? Did they tie him to a chair to stop him from honouring his commitments?

The big question, of course, is what motive these people could have had for killing off what was obviously a very lucrative source of income. If Jacko's cracked a conspiracy, he must know to what end they were conspiring, right?

She also revealed that it is not yet known why Jackson's former associates would plan to bankrupt him.

"That's what we're trying to find out," she said.

Perhaps they were planning to build a Wal-Mart on Neverland? Maybe they wanted to get their hands on the llamas?

There is no suggestion that Mr. Jackson is in any way developing paranoid tendencies, in case you're wondering. These things don't need any further developing:

"Mr Jackson is neither shocked nor surprised. He's always been suspicious that some of those whom he entrusted to act on his behalf, and to advise him with respect to his personal and business affairs, may not always have acted in his best interest."

Coming next week: the doctors knew that nose would fall off.

music michael jackson

FRIENDS SHARE SCISSORS

Lindsay Lohan is telling everyone how Madonna's her best mate. Mind you, with the level of partying she's supposed to be doing right now, she's probably told everyone in LA that they're her besht mate, apart from the ones who were looking at her funny.

Anyway, it's not just Madonna wanting to recruit someone to Kabbalah, oh no:

"She told me that her daughter Lourdes is a fan of mine. We just clicked instantly after that. We also share the same hairdresser."

You know, if you're using the same hair products as someone, you might as well go the whole hog and sign up for their cult as well. Honestly, the things Lindsay does to hydrate her soul...

music madonna kabbalah lindsay lohan

CARBON NEUTRAL

So much stuff did P Diddy have with him when he went to shoot some photos in St Tropez, not only did he have a jet for himself, but a whole extra jet for his handbags.

He's planning to inundate an entire South Sea island with his own climate change, probably.

music p diddy

BOYZGONE

Celebrity Love Island - apparently it's still going - on ITV - apparently it's still going - saw something happen last night, when Shayne Lynch out of Boyzone read the Bible for a bit and then left the programme.

Apparently, it was [former Hollyoaks actor] John Otway who was most upset to see him go:

Former Hollyoaks actor Lee Otway also sobbed uncontrollably, telling Shane: "I don't want you to go, I need you here."

Let's hope Shayne wasn't reading Leviticus.

music boyzone shane lynch lee otway celebrity love island

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD: IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF BILL CONTI

Apparently, it's meant to be a very good thing for Natasha Bedingfield's career that Sylvester Stallone has asked her to record the theme for the new Rocky movie.

The Sun is excited:

Natasha has been incredibly successful in the US.

She is probably our biggest solo female export since ANNIE LENNOX.

Yes, incredibly successful. Her last single made it all the way to 57 before dropping out the Billboard chart.

Natasha was completely shocked. She found it hard to believe that a legend like Sly had heard of her.

Now, that sounds more like it.

music natasha bedingfield sylvester stallone rocky

CALL THE COPS

Apparently, as the McCartney divorce turns into a carnival, they're thinking of getting some burger vans and stuff to be available on the side.

This morning, the Sun reports that McCartney called the cops when he "heard an intruder" which turned out to be Heather trying to get in to their flat. It was all a terrible misunderstanding, we're asked to believe, although you'd have thought with the level of security McCartney has (including hourly on-foot patrols) someone might have noticed the woman at the door was the ex-wife trying to use her keys rather than a burglar before the police were brought in to burn through some public money getting involved in a domestic.

The paper headlines the story Mucc, Mucc, who's there?, which is rubbish on two counts - first, becuase "Mucc" doesn't sound like knock, and secondly, and more crucially, it relies on the "Lady Mucca" name which nobody outside of the Sun uses. Indeed, when you're having to explain your headline in the article, it shows you might need to let this one go:

The one-time model, 38, dubbed Lady Mucca for her seedy porno past, was questioned in the street.

The Daily Mail pick up a crucial aspect of the story:

Fortunately the police recognised her straight away and the matter was resolved amicably.

So, not quite as "humiliating" as the Sun would have it, then.

music paul mccartney heather mills

DURAN DURAN ARE GHOSTS

With a great deal of fanfare, Duran Duran are set to play a concert in Second Life, the computer game which everyone keeps going on about at the moment. The one where people spend hours playing it and pay silly money from the real world for stuff in it, raising the question whether they actually have a first life or not.

Anyway, we're not sure it's such a big deal - a band from the 1980s playing a high-profile concert where they're not really there: didn't Guns n Roses just do a major tour on that basis?

music duran duran second life

IPODS DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH THE BEAST-LIKE URGES, STUDY DOESN'T FIND

The headline from CBS4 in Boston couldn't be clearer:

Study: iPod Music Affecting Teen Sexual Behavior

Bloody hell - have people abandoned the button in the middle in favour of just stroking round and round the outside for hours on end? Have men started to be told that the smaller it is, the more impressive?

Not exactly, as the study was actually about the links between listening to pop music and sexual behaviour, and so the word "iPod" really had no business being there at all - it's like fingering the transistor radio for the mods and rockers violence on Brighton seafront.

So what of the report, then? It suggests a link between listening to sexually explicit music and earlier start of sexual activity. Or, as CBS misstates it:

Songs depicting men as "sex-driven studs," women as sex objects and with explicit references to sex acts are more likely to trigger early sexual behavior than those where sexual references are more veiled and relationships appear more committed, the study found.

Teens who said they listened to lots of music with degrading sexual messages were almost twice as likely to start having intercourse or other sexual activities within the following two years as were teens who listened to little or no sexually degrading music.

You can find the full text of the report at the Journal of Pediatrics - intrestingly, it doesn't mention the word "ipod" once.

What happened was a small sample (just over 1,200) were contacted by telephone once when they were aged between 12 & 17, and then again one and three years later, and asked questions about their music and sex life.

Before this survey could even start, they needed to get permission from a guardian, which automatically weakens the value of the research: so, we're talking about kids in households where the parents are happy for their twelve year olds to talk to a stranger about masturbation over the phone. That's going to slightly skew things.

Then, there's the question of whether all the research has done is found that either the sort of people who listen to the more sexually charged sort of music are more likely to lie about how sexually experience they are to a stranger on the end of a phone; or else that people who don't listen to a lot of songs about shagging and dogging are more reluctant to tell somebody they've never met that they let a boy put his dinkle in their ladygarden. Especially when their mum is hovering in the kitchen listening on the other line.

Even if people don't tend to lie on occasions like this, since these kids haven't spent the last three years living in a house with exposure only to music, how on earth do the researchers attempt to correlate their sexual experience with the music? What books were they reading? Did they have older siblings who stayed over with their partners? And where was the control group?

Ringing people up might be a fine way of deciding who's won "product of the year" (everyone, judging by the current flurry of adverts) but to pretend that it's a sensible scientific study is pushing it somewhat.

music sex

THE TUMBLING TOWER

British shoppers might recall the name of Tower Records, which arrived with some fanfare from across the Atlantic, but never even managed even a Fopp sized chain before beating a retreat.

Now, Americans might have to get used to life without Tower as well. The major labels had helped support the chain while it struggled in protective bankruptcy: however, a hopeful plan on Tower's part to just forget the money it owed them has seen the RIAA labels pull their support. Tower won't be getting any more stock from them, and a record shop without new CDs from Universal et al has got a serious problem.

There's a small cloud of Alanis-style irony, too: Tower was voted retailer of the year by the National Association of Recording Merchandisers at the weekend. But that might just be the point: merchadisers may love Tower. People heading out to buy CDs in the US, though, are more likely to go to BestBuy or Target.

music tower

ROCK SICK LIST: My Chemical Romance

My Chemical Romance have been forced to cancel a San Diego appearance over the weekend following an injury problem.

Undercover reports that Bob Bryar has been seriously injured, but possibly has been hospitalised with serious burns.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs took over their headline slot on Saturday's Streetscene; this year's festival has been especially ill-fated as Tool fans were crushed into hospital cases during their set.

music my chemical romance san diego streetscene

WHIGFIELD: Fergal Sharkey

Unless we're missing something, the rumour that appears to be doing the rounds concerning the death of Fergal Sharkey has everything except a factual base.

music fergal sharkey

NEED YOU TONIGHT

Apparently, film-makers Clark Westerman and Nick Egan are worried that Michael Hutchence's reputation is being tarnished (although a man who died in pursuit of a better erection is always going to be fighting the odds for a kindly eye from posterity).

The pair's plan is to make a film to capture the man and the myth (mainly, we'd guess, the myth), taking Oliver Stone's ridiculous Doors movie as its model.

Dannii Minogue is probably mulling if she should try out for the role of Kylie.

music inxs michael hutchence

ALL THAT'S TO BE DECIDED IS THE EXACT SCALE OF THE WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY, THEN

For reasons that we've hired a team of international experts to try and fathom (so far, with no success), Rob Zombie is going to remake Halloween.

Although, of course, don't call it a remake:

"I basically went back and just came up with the idea of basically - not essentially a remake, but a very extended prequel sort of combined with an update, say, of the first film.

"You're starting from scratch but in sort of a more detailed way. That's the way I thought it would be exciting for fans of the original, because it's not just the same old thing, and it would be exciting for people that never saw the original."

On the other hand, it does run the risk of pissing off the people who loved the original while not bringing anything of any value to reward those who "never saw" the original. Like with The Omen remake.

We do love, incidently, the "people that never saw the original" concept - as if Halloween was a stage play, which exists now only in yellowing playbills and fading memories, rather than a film, which anyone with a few quid can buy and watch anytime they choose.

music rob zombie halloween

HIP PRIEST

Not that Barry Manilow's getting old or anything, but he's going to have a double hip operation.

It seems he's got a labrum tear; his people are very keen to stress this is the sort of thing that dogs professional sports people and not in any way like a hip replacement.

"I'm anxious to make it through the Emmy Awards and then right to the hospital," Manilow said. "The Doctors have promised me that I'll come back even better than before. And I can't wait to hit the stage again."

Although, presumably, he'll be less likely to suffer from falls if his hips get fixed.

music barry manilow

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE DOESN'T QUITE GET THE 'EX' BIT

You see, Justin, when you break up with someone, generally, you break up with them:

"When we [Britney and Justin] initially parted ways, I felt like she had couple of opportunities to stick up for me and she didn’t."

Hmm. Could that be because she wasn't your girlfriend any more, do you think, Justin?

Still, he's not going to make the mistake of dating in public again:

‘This time around it’s been important to stay as much as I can out of the limelight. I think that’s made it more enriching, keeping it just between the two people it’s supposed to be between.’

Yes, apparently, he's seeing Cameron Diaz. He kept that quiet, didn't he?

music britney spears justin timberlake cameron diaz

IT'S THIRTY PRETTY THINGS FOR A REASON

While Pete Doherty's main contribution to road safety seems to be scattering his cars around the nation, former comrade-in-arms Carl is taking a more proactive role.

They're playing an awareness gig for the Make Roads Safe campaign, partly in memory of three fans who died in a road accident after a DPT gig:

Calling on fans to sign the Make Roads Safe online petition at www.makeroadssafe.org Carl Barat, lead singer of Dirty Pretty Things, said: "It is unbelievable that around the world a child is killed every three minutes on the road, yet almost nothing is being done to prevent this.

"The recent deaths in Suffolk of Claire, Jennifer and Carla were so sad, such a waste of young lives, and this is happening to families every day. This is why Dirty Pretty Things are supporting the Make Roads Safe campaign."

music dirty pretty things carl barat

ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS NOT GIVING UP WHEN HE GETS IN THE ROUGH

As Robbie Williams continues his march towards middle age, he's taken to organising his European tour around some games of golf.

He's going to appear on ITV's surprisingly dull celebrity golf tournament again this year. Presumably to keep him going until the space on dictionary corner on Countdown opens up.

music robbie williams golf

THE SCISSOR SISTERS WILL BE FEELING A LITTLE HURT THIS MORNING

Elton John has clambered into his fashion's crow's nest to have a pop at how American bands dress:

"I'm so over the tattoos, the T-shirts and the rings through noses. It's not pretty or exciting."

He went on: "It's a thing the British are good at. Bowie, myself, Queen - we embraced fashion."

Yes, Bowie, Queen, Kasabian, Oasis... they make an effort, don't they?

music fashion elton john

GOTTA GET UP, GOTTA GET UP

The "guilty pleasures" thing (we believe it's what the people call a meme right now) is starting to take on the same life as the 'most embarassing moment' in the Independent media Q&A feature, where, as Private Eye points out, nobody ever records their real mistakes but instead offers something soft to show they're a good sport without showing themselves up.

Asked for a guilty pleasure, the correct response seems to be to choose something that was popular, certainly, but not bad. So, for example, James Morrison 'confesses' to having Black Box's Ride on Time on his iPod.

In what way, Jim, does listening to one of the premier pieces of British house music make you feel guilty?

Actually, it's more like the Guardian magazine feature where people are asked 'what trait do you deplore most in yourself' and they bravely nominate how they just love too much or can't walk past an orphanage without popping in to adopt.

music james morrison

JOHNNY VAUGHAN DOESN'T GET OUT MUCH, DOES HE?

Caretaker of London's declining Capital Radio breakfast show Johnny Vaughan is having a chuckle at Janet Jackson and her diva demands. Someone from his show gurgles to this morning's Sun that she wanted Fijian water when she appeared:

It was simply unbelievable the lengths she went to for a cold glass of water.

“She insisted the water was her very own, from a Fijian spring and cooled to a precise temperature before she would drink it.

“How anybody can tell the difference between a standard bottle of mineral water and some from a Fijian spring beggars belief. It was hilarious watching her staff make such a fuss.”

Very amusing. Except, of course, Fiji Mineral Water is a common, though slightly overpriced, brand in the US, so stipulating Fiji water is really only like asking for an Evian or a Volvic. If you come from a place where you can buy the water at any supermarket, asking for it is probably slightly less than diva-ish.

music janet jackson

LIFE IMITATES LILY ALLEN'S PRESS

Okay, we scoffed a few weeks back when Lily Allen claimed that she'd googled Keith Allen and found him described as her Dad. But we've just spotted in our referer logs a google on "who is lily allen's dad", so maybe she has now just about surpassed him in the celebrity ecosphere.

music lily allen keith allen

GOOGLE NOT SEARCHING FOR MUSIC SALES

Confirming that it's not bothered rather than taking forever to bring something to market, it looks like Google won't be having a music store.

Chris Sacca, who's Google's head of business development, told a meeting of the National Association of Recording Merchandisers as much:

Sacca says the big opportunity in digital music is in developing the ecosystem: one that allows consumers to move content from the home to the car and between devices with ease.

"Once again there is an opportunity (to improve) ease of use," Sacca said, likening it to the way Napster transformed search and discovery, and Apple revolutionized portability and shopping. "But to really grasp this takes a certain amount of humility to look beyond your walls."

And if Google isn't going to take on the increasingly monolithic iTunes, then probably nobody is right now. (Okay, we know there's MTV/Microsoft's Urge... but we mean serious rivals.

music google itunes

TOOL FANS CRUSHED

For the second time in three years, there have been crowd control problems at San Diego's StreetFest. In 2004, festival goers were hurt when the brush barriers gave way during AFI's headline set; this year, a surge amongst the audience of 37,000 left 15 people in hospital. The crush came during Tool's topping off of the day:

Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan repeatedly tried to control the situation as the throng of 37,000 fans pushed toward the stage, the newspaper said.

"Step back so you don't get trampled," he said at one point. "It's just rock."

And Tool, at that.

music tool san diego streetfest

GIVE US A KISS

Kiss fans are strange types. Apart from anything, they like Kiss, which is odd by anyone's standards.

And they care about Kiss to an extraordinary degree. Even to the extent where they'll organise a protest about tha band's exclusion from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

200 fans marched on the Cleveland museum to demand Kiss be allowed a small corner of the place to mark, in some way, their greatness.

If successful, the crowd intend to then set to work ensuring that the Hard Rock cafe features at least one Kiss stage catsuit in every branch.

music kiss

NO GO-NDOLA FOR GILMOUR

Dave Gilmour's planned Venice gig this weekend had to be pulled due to safety concerns.

Apparently the streets were flooded.

Oh, alright, it was a problem with the stage in St Marks' Square:

Our most sincere apologies to all those who were supposed to attend these shows this weekend," said Gilmour on Friday.

"A structural defect was discovered in the scaffolding just before the sound check this evening, which has rendered the whole stage structure unsafe."

In unrelated news, Roger Waters was detained briefly at Venice's main airport on Friday night after the contents of his pockets set security sensors wild. It was found he had a pocketful of bolts and a large spanner.

music dave gilmour

YOU, YOUTUBE AND THE MUSIC: Michelle Shocked

And from Swells to another name from that era who's been through some strange times - Michelle Shocked. She turned up (sadly, wearing an Orson-style hat) on Corporate Country Sucks, a Chicago-based TV show, last month. She did a brief interview and a couple of tracks:

Interview
La Cantina El Gato Negro
How You Play The Game (introduced with the words "it's not how you win, it's how you steal the election...")

music michelle shocked

SEETHING WOUNDS

If you're of a certain age, and can recall the days when the NME came off on your fingers and was much more effective litter tray liner, you may have found yourself wondering whatever happened to Steven Wells.

It turns out he's been ill. Very ill indeed.

He approached his cancerous lymph nodes the same way he approached an Angst bag stuffed with letters from Smiths fans: with a lot of swearing, a lot of very funny jokes OFTEN IN CAPITALS, and a pulsing vein on his temple which could be seen from the moon. He's condensed his experiences in the lower end of the US health service in a Philadelphia Weekly article:

And then the next day I wake up and everything is punk rock, puppy dogs, ice cream and sunshine. Which is my (incredibly abnormal) normal state of mind—in which insufferably cocky mode I now offer the following arrogant, facile and ridiculously ill-informed truths:

No one ever "battles bravely against cancer." This is utter bullshit. You do your chemo, take your drugs and hang on for dear life.

Having a serious illness doesn't make you wise or nice or even remotely interesting. Trust me.

Humans are great. Except New Age types who suck, know fuck all and talk absolute bollocks—especially about cancer.

music steven wells

YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT WRONG TO DISTRUST THEM

There are all sorts of resons for avoiding the toilets at festivals - the possibility of infections unknown to medical science, the worry that you might drop your wallet into the bubbling vat, and, of course, the worry that someone might come and pick up the toilet while you're in it.

It was the last of these that happened to Jean Ogden at the Billingham folklore festival. Luckily, the lorrydriver heard her screams.

music toilets

MANAGEROBIT: Andy McGoldrick

Guitarist, manager and club promoter Andy McGoldrick has died following an accident shortly before he was due on stage with The Dirty Do Goods, the band he also managed.

An apparent wiring fault caused McGoldrick to be electrocuted as he plugged in his guitar before a gig at the James Joyce pub in Kenton, Middlesex.

McGoldrick promoted the Indiescent night at the nearby Luminaire; the venue has arranged a tribute night in his memory.

Away from music, McGoldrick's day job was as a teacher working with "disadvantaged youth"; he was also familiar on the Gaelic Football and amateur soccer scenes.

music obit obituary andy mcgoldrick

I'M RACHEL STEVENS, GET ME OUT OF HERE

Reports that Rachel Stevens is taking part in the next series of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here are a little premature: She's apparently been offered £100,000 to take part in the series, but hasn't said yes, yet.

The idea behind the programme is that people who are vaguely famous (and here the definition of famous is "wouldn't look out of place playing Twankey in one of Stoke's smaller theatres") are taken to godforsaken hole seldom visited by people. ITV's evening schedules, in other words.

Steven's choice, of course, is to decide if her career has now gone past stalled into some sort of reverse, and if it is, would taking £100,000 to eat badger's testicles and share a tent with Lenny Bennett or someone be worth it.

Wonderfully, the shortlist also includes Lee Ryan (not that he's just been dropped or anything) and Ron Atkinson, the carcoated racist.

music i'm a celebrity rachel stevens

IF IT'S SUNDAY IT MUST BE MACCA TORMENT DAY

The Sunday tabs have hit the street, and of course, there's a fair helping of poking about the dustbins of the McCartney-Mills union.

The Trinity-Mirror group has clearly decided to throw its weight behind Heather, presumably in case she spends some of her divorce settlement buying the Mirror titles. The Sunday Mirror leads its paper today (why, what about Lebanon?) with a less-than-flattering reflection of McCartney's attitude to money: they claim he sent a solicitor's letter after Heather stole from him.

She took three bottles of cleaning fluid from one of his offices.

It also reports that Macca suggested that it should be Heather who paid him maintainence, although it does grudgingly admit that he did so only under legal advice that he had to.

Over at the News of the World, while they wait to see if they really do get sued by Heather once the divorce is settled, they're rooting for Paul:

And we can reveal that Heather, 38, rubbed salt in by branding pop idol Macca as past it—vowing in front of shocked staff that she'd "never date a pensioner again".

Blimey. Mind you, if she gets even half the settlement she's looking for, not only will she never need to date a pensioner again (although, as Macca is only 64, she hasn't yet) but she won't need to date a multi-millionaire ever again, either.

Paul's friends - the ones he's not sacked because they were too close to Heather - are busily building him up as the one who's been damaged in all this:

"And to think he defended Heather immediately after they announced their split. That's what you call a man of honour."

Although the bickering over a half a bottle of Mister Muscle multi-surface cleaner might dent that honourable image a little.

music paul mccartney heather mills

THIS WEEK JUST GONE

Seven days in the life of No Rock & Roll Fun:

The ten most accessed stories were:

1. Heather Mills educates through porn
2. McFly try to sell records by removing their pants
3. Heather Mills: more porn
4. Could KT Tunstall be a lesbian, do you reckon?
5. The last ever Top of the Pops
6. Jessica Simpson records her break-up song
7. Lily Allen owes nothing to her dad Keith
8. MTV hits 25; axes VH2
9. The Automatic take on Sandi Thom
10. Woman "sleeps" with Robbie Williams, frames knickers

Don't forget you can read the whole week on a single page, or
skim the previous fortnight in a single post.

and by pushing this lot, we helped overheat the economy just enough to force them to raise interest rates:


The Sleepy Jackson reawaken with five-star album


Season one of Rumpole meets Seinfeld lawyerfest


Michael Franti's latest state-of-the-nations reports


Classic Russell T Davies kids TV spinechiller Century Falls


Bobby Box loves his poker a little too much...


Part of a major rollout of Beefheart remasters this week


Australian pop dance/corsetry crossover