There's always been a (insert whatever it turns out like) element to our music

Bono seems to have noticed that U2, as a band, are pretty thin fare these days - and, like the CEO of a fading brand, is promising to do something, anything to stop the rot.

Actually, strike the "like" from that and replace it with an "as".

The next U2 album will sound different, apparently, although he doesn't seem to know how:

"We're gonna continue to be a band, but maybe the rock will have to go; maybe the rock has to get a lot harder. But whatever it is, it's not gonna stay where it is."

Or maybe it will stay where it is, but turn through 180 degrees. Or maybe it'll sound a lot like the other recent stuff, but with an Abba sample or something stuck in the middle. At this stage, the market reports just aren't in to make that sort of judgement.

Our in-house musicofuturoligists predict the next U2 album will sound "exactly like the last one, but there will be a new logo and The Edge's hat will feature a shiny new badge."

music u2 bono

Paris Hilton was killed by the internet

In a bemusing misunderstanding, Lily Allen seems to think that Paris Hilton is little more than someone's famous daughter whose career was scuppered by people being able to somehow see through her on the internets:

"Five years ago Paris Hilton's album would have done really well over here in the UK, because we didn't have things like the internet.

"We didn't have bands like myself or the Arctic Monkeys. Now people can see Paris for what she is, and think: 'Go away. What makes you think you have a life?'

"People cheesy enough to buy albums like that should be killed."

Yes, the death penalty for buying novelty albums. It was the copy of the Juliette and The Licks album that did for Saddam, we understand.

Lily's confused take is doubly bemusing when, in effect, her second-rate Amazulu stylings are being driven mainly by the image she's had created on the internet rather than any inherent quality - how the Arctic Monkeys must cringe every time she suggests that they're in some way siblings under the mouse.

And if people look online and see Paris as being little more than a spoiled talent vacuum, that doesn't quite explain why her TV shows, perfumes and other pointless endeavours continue to do quite well.

Allen is so wrong: five years ago, it's not that Hilton's album would have done well. It just would never have been released. It's hard to imagine that Keith Allen's daughter would have got very far with her PR-constructed career, either.

music lily allen paris hilton

Self-made woman (material supplied by Daddy)

In a bid to stop her from being "spoiled", Bob Geldof has given Fifi Trixibelle a fifth of a million to set up her own PR company.

Fifi is currently thinking up names for her new venture - My Struggle isn't on the shortlist, apparently.

music bob geldof pr

Coxon the way back?

Christmas, eh? It's all about the family reunions, innit? And what could be more festive than old friends putting animosity to one side and re-embracing each other?

Graham Coxon is apparently convinced that Therestofblur are now sober enough to make a reunion workable. According to an insider of some sort:

“Graham left Blur under a hazy cloud. He was worried that returning to the studio with the lads would be like moving backwards.

“Graham is over getting smashed every night and he didn’t want to go back to an environment where he will be tempted.

“But he has finally realised Blur have grown up and have families now.

“They are a totally different band to the one in the Nineties.

“As soon as Damon has finished his tour with The Good The Bad And The Queen in February they are planning to go into the studio. It will be one step at a time.

“It may not be a long-term project — it will probably be one last final Blur album to bring closure to the band. Just how it should have been.”

Hmm. While we can see that closure is a good thing, as we've said before, we'd rather have a decent Graham Coxon solo album than a misty-eyed Blur one which is more likely to chip away another bit of what made the band special.

music blur graham coxon damon albarn

Rod: To knights, he yours

Well, commander rather than knight: he's been given a CBE as part of the New Year Honours. Rod has affected to be thrilled, even although he must be sucking a thoughtful tooth as to why Cliff and Macca are knights and he's got some crappy medal that used to be given as a prize on early series of Bullseye:

"Although I'm living in California, I'm very proud to be British," he said.

"We will be celebrating the good news later today."

Of course, Rod was so proud of being British he trumped off to live in California to avoid paying his share of the costs of educating and keeping his fellow countrymen healthy. Not quite sure why a person who went off to live in tax exile is considered worthy of CBE status, but I'm sure the Queen can explain it all.

music rod stewart

This is now about so much more than the cleaning products

Ah, it wouldn't be Christmas without a spot of family misery, and who better to supply it than the most miserable family of them all?

Heather Mills called the cops, claiming that paintings worth squillions of pounds had been stolen from the McCartney lodge.

When the police turned up, though, they discovered that it was actually a domestic: Paul had popped by and taken the paintings into "safe" keeping (i.e. his).

We're sure that Heather made a simple mistake - after all, if she knew the paitings had been taken by their owner and then called the cops, that would be wasting police time, wouldn't it?

[Thanks to Jim McCabe for the link]

music heather mills paul mccartney

Britney: I'm no longer your biggest fan

Set against the freedom from Kevin Federline, Britney is going to balance another major loss: Ruben Gray is closing down World of Britney:

"As Britney keeps losing her identity and credibility within fans and industry people, so is WorldOfBritney.com."

"I think that WoB has had its run... its feet are not holding firm anymore, not because of my ability to run it, but because I believe Britney is unfortunately done (for me at least)."

In other words, we think he's got a girlfriend in real life.

music britney spears

Atomic kit-off (again)

We're not sure if the poster of Natasha Hamilton naked, save for a million nicotine patches will persuade anyone to give up smoking.

It has, however, persuaded us to try and give up going into Boots.

music natasha hamilton atomic kitten boots

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: He bloody hates Tescos

Having spent the period before Christmas getting excited by the prospect of an X-Factor number one, Gennaro has been suffering turkey indigestion thinking of supermarkets selling DVDs like they're some sort of consumer product:

Gennaro Castaldo, head of communications at leading U.K. specialist entertainment retailer HMV described the supermarkets' actions as being "like a cuckoo in the nest that works against the best interests of the industry and other retailers. I can't think of a thing the supermarkets do in a positive way to develop and sustain the industry."

He adds that specialists such as HMV have "almost written off the blockbuster releases as revenue earners" because of supermarket pricing and have been forced to concentrate even more on deep catalogs.

"Giving it away below cost also damages the aspiration to collect DVDs because consumers perceive it as an almost throwaway product," Castaldo said.

Now, I thought my small collection of DVDs I'd bought and cherished because of the programming on the discs, rather than because they were priced with a healthy mark-up for the store. Turns out I was wrong.

It's also questionable to suggest that supermarkets have done nothing for the industry - they've made DVDs an impulse buy and put them in front of consumers during their weekly shop, which surely has grown the market. And, by "forcing" specialist stores like HMV to stock a wider range of movies, they've helped bring about a situation where people looking for something beyond the new releases might have a fighting chance of finding them in town.

The real heart of HMV's problems might be revealed by being a store which feels that offering back catalogue titles is, in some way, an onerous task to be entered into reluctantly.

music gennaro castaldo

Slim poll advantage

Besides providing a beach-based night of dancing for the people of Brighton, Norman Cook is using his New Year gig to poll the people on matters of local importance, not least the question of Brighton and Hove Albion's proposed relocation from some tennis courts to a new site in Falmer and the godawful monstrosity they're trying to build on the King Alfred site in Hove.

Local democracy not merely in action, but also bustin' moves.

music fatboy slim brighton and hove albion