THE SANDWICH YOU CAN LISTEN TO

It appears we're not burning through the precious resources of the planet quickly enough to keep some people happy, so Tesco has decided to help out by introducing sandwich boxes which play tunes when you open them. That's disposable sandwich boxes:

Tesco Spokesman Jonathan Church said the potential of the melodic munch was enormous.

"It's designed to provide busy office workers with relaxing music to make eating lunch at their desks more enjoyable than ever before," he said, adding that the concept could be easily adapted for Easter, Valentine's Day or Mother's Day.

While it's not certain how your true love would react to being given a tuneful tuna lunch on February 14, Church said the idea could also be used in conjunction with record companies to launch songs by new artists clamoring for the kudos.

Clearly, Church is slightly deluded, as anyone who thinks that having a weezy rasping tune spat at you might, in some way, make the idea of having to work through your lunch not just enjoyable but more enjoyable is suffering from some serious misunderstanding of the idea of work-life balance. But it's the sort of crazy idea that a record label might respond to - they're run by people who can never see a rotten idea without thinking "hey, that sounds like a good idea" and so it might be that before too long, when you open your sandwiches, you get a whiff not just of crab paste and gorgonzola, but also Robbie Williams. That would go together just perfectly.

music tesco

NEXT, THEY COME FOR THE LYRICS...

Suppose you find yourself thinking "what was that song with the line about swearing an oath that I'd pay someone to kill you both?" - chances are, right now, you'd stick the words into Google and come up with the song from one of the lyrics sites on the web. Then, you might go a step further and buy the song on download, or on CD. Not for much longer, though, if Lauren Keiser and the Music Publisher's Association gets it way.

Believing that lyrics and guitar tab sites are costing sheet music sales (because, of course, if you didn't have Google and you found yourself wanting to know what the inaudible line in Brass In Pocket is, you'd go out and buy sheet music, wouldn't you?) he's set to oversee legal action against lyrics sites. And he's not just interested in getting money, either:

MPA president Lauren Keiser said he wanted site owners to be jailed.

He said unlicensed guitar tabs and song scores were widely available on the internet but were "completely illegal".

Mr Keiser said he did not just want to shut websites and impose fines, saying if authorities can "throw in some jail time I think we'll be a little more effective".

Yes, that's right - a supposedly sane man from an organisation which is meant to do little more than act as a clearing house for a declining industry is calling on people to be thrown into prison because they've put up a website with the full songwords to every song Cher has ever made.

Think about that. We presume Keiser is educated to at least some sort of workable standard, and his solution for a problem that he fails to demostrate is hurting his business is to throw people in jail - pour encourager l'autres. We really hope nothing actually bad ever happens to Keiser, as a man whose lust for vengenance is so far out of proportion would probably have to build a death star if someone, say, insulted his hairstyle.

[Thanks to Mike G for the link]

music lyrics copyright

ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS NOT GAY

Hey, you know what would be a silly thought? Imagine in Robbie Williams was gay, right? Obviously he's not - because otherwise why would he go to the trouble of giving interviews which get headlines like Robbie: Girls go wild at my pants-down palace, eh?

Yes, it's true - although we're not sure what sense of the word "true" we're using here - Robbie's big house makes girls want to have sort of sex with him, or at least sob a little and tell him how he's such a good mate, he's like a brother or one of the girls:

"I had a few dates with this girl in America and it’s like being Batman because she didn’t know who I was - so she said. I believed her, she seemed to have a nice soul.

"Then I brought her back to my house and she looked around ’cause it is pants-down palace! It really is."

Now, we know what you're thinking - you've heard this one before, the one about him being Batman. But this is the second coming of this story, as he's spinning it out on Parkinson tonight. (Parky, of course, likes to think himself quite the probing journalist, so well done to him for getting a PR-puff that was trotted out several months ago in all the tabloids as the main bone thrown to him on the show.) Sadly, Parky doesn't ask how all these girls treating his house like pants-down palace fit in with his other on-record claim that he doesn't take women back to his LA house - maybe he was leaving us to draw our own conclusions.

music robbie williams michael parkinson

THANKS FOR BRINGING THIS TO OUR ATTENTION, MICHAEL

Had you heard that Michael Jackson had overdosed twice on a mix of Jack Daniels and Demerol? Nope, nether had we, until his spokesperson Raymone Bain decided to issue a denial that he had. In fact, she says, Jackson is happy and chuckling away like nobody's business:

"He is doing fine and I have never seen him happier or healthier."

And she warned: "Whomever these individuals are who are intent on disseminating false information...should begin hiring good attorneys."

Yeah, some more legal battles to fight - that's what Jackson needs now, in the state that he apparently isn't in. Mind you, it's not that Bain is lying - she's only been working with Jackson for a little while so it's quite possible that - without the need to convince a judge he's got a bad back, or needing a bit of a rubdown from a young friend - he might look healthier than she's ever seen him. And, remember, she gets to see Michael's true face, not the one he puts on for the fans and the media. Although if the plastic cement keeps drying out like that, we'll all get a chance to see it soon.

music michael jackson

GREAT NEWS FOR BBC ONE

ITV's creaking Brits award deal looks set to deliver another head-scratchingly bad experience in the new year. They'd already signed up Chris Evans to host again (apparently they see Evans as "a safer pair of hands", which surely is the last thing you'd want him to be?) and now, adding to the sense that it's some sort of festival of "no, they're just as good as they were years ago", Madonna is being lined up to entertain the masses.

But at least the prizes themselves will be exciting, eh, as, erm, Robbie Williams goes head-to-head with James Blunt for best male singer. Ooh, that's a battle we can't wait for.

music madonna brits chris evans robbie williams james blunt

WHAT A WAY TO MARK INTERNATIONAL LENNON DAY

As if to mock the solemn silence that settled over a world thinking "where the hell was I when Lennon got shot? Was that the time I was in the restaurant ordering the tuna sandwich, or was that when I heard the Berlin Wall was coming down?", the people who add up chart statistics chose the anniversary of his death to announce that The Beatles have lost the title of most successful band to Queen. (That's if you count success in total numbers of weeks on the UK chart.) Elvis and Cliff still rule all, mind:

1 (1) Elvis Presley
2 (2) Sir Cliff Richard
3 (4) Queen
4 (3) The Beatles
5 (5) Madonna
6 (6) Sir Elton John
7 (7) The Shadows
8 (8) Michael Jackson
9 (10) U2
10 (9) David Bowie

U2 have spent more weeks on the lists than Bowie? If ever you needed proof that this was no way to measure talent, there you'd have it. And down, down, deeper and down the chart, Oasis have nudged above Status Quo at 25.

music oasis status quo u2 john lennon queen the beatles

THE PRINCESS AND THE SHOWMAN

If we're top believe a word he says - and frankly, why not, as it's Christmas? - Princess Diana really fancied George Michael. Blimey, it's lucky she never actually paired up with him, because can you imagine how awful it would have been for her caught, the eyes of the world upon you as you lived in a loveless marriage with a man who could never really love you back?

“There were certain things that made it clear she was very attracted to me. There was no question.

“I think we clicked in a way that was a little bit intangible. It probably had more to do with our upbringing than anything else.

“She was very like a lot of women who have been attracted to me because they see something non-threatening. Maybe it’s because I take care of my sisters — women seem to like that.”

George was brought up over a restaurant in a dingy town in Hertfordshire while Diana was raised at a massive country house in the English countryside. You can see how the similar backgrounds would have made them click, can't you?

music george michael princess diana royalty

GRAMMY NOMINATIONS NOD FOR THE USUAL FACES

The Grammy nominations for the 2006 awards have been published - obviously, the list runs on and on for several pages, but the headline data is that most-nominated artists are Mariah Carey and Kanye West, with U2, Gwen Steffani and Bruce Springsteen also getting lots of offers. Pretty much as you'd expect, then.

music mariah carey U2 kanye west

WILLIAMS IS AT RISK OF SUPERNATURAL DAMAGE

Thats a fine way to say thank you, isn't it? There's a lovely German woman, working as Robbie Williams' "psychic protector" saving him from supernatural forces, and what does Williams do? He slaps a restraining order on her.

Well, if he finds himself getting sucked by succubi tonight, he'll only have himself to blame.

music robbie williams

A STORY ABOUT ANNINE LENNOX AND WALKING STICKS

If we start with this quote, it makes it sound a lot more interesting than it actually is:

Emma Thompson said: "Doing the stick took me hours and I still have sticky hands."

It's actually about a bunch of celebs - including Annie Lennox - decorating walking sticks to e auctioned in aid of a disability charity. Is it just us, or is flogging pretty walking sticks to aid the disabled a little tasteless? Would you have spray-painted hearing aids for the deaf?

music annie lennox

THEN SHE CAN GET A PAPERROUND

What does Victoria Beckham want for Christmas? A mountain bike, apparently. They should get her one with a basket on the front, like Nerys Hughes in District Nurse.

music victoria beckham

SLAP MY ARSE AND CALL ME HONEY

It's not really especially surprising to discover that newlywed Dita Von Teese likes to be spanked. If we had just married Marilyn Manson, we'd want to be slapped repeatedly ("this must be a dream... please, tell me its a dream") and if you had to have sex with him, positioning him an arm's length behind you would probably be the closest you'd want him.

We wonder how Mazza will cope now having a wife who's more interesting than he is.

music dita von teese marilyn manson

"GOING ON A DIET" IS NOT "BATTLING ANOREXIA"

Is there no end to Ashlee Simpson's desperate attempts to jump on every bandwagon going? Now she's confusing an inappropriate diet with battling annorexia. Anorexia is a serious condition that can take years to overcome and screw your body permanently, if it doesn't kill you; what Simpson says is when she was eleven she had "six months of not eating very much at all" until her parents took her in hand. We're sure, Ashlee, the people who actually suffer from anorexia won't mind that you're trivialising their illness by claiming that you had some sort of miracle cure when Joe said "if you don't eat your mashed potatoes, you won't get no tits for me to market."

music ashlee simpson anorexia

THE QUO PUFFED A FAG AND RUPTURED ITS LARYNX

Bad news for Status Quo - Rick "fifty a day" Parfitt went to see the doc because he was suffering throat pain and chest aches, and the doctor found something icky on his larynx. He's now being checked out to see if it's cancerous and the Quo are having to pull their tour right when they were riding something of a late-period crest.

music rock sick list rick parfitt status quo

MRS. EMINEM MAKES HER COMEBACK

Apparently, Eminem is plotting to re-marry his ex-wife Kim. Whoever the best man is, probably best not to mention Em's song Puke. Although it may give a clue as to why he's re-marrying her:

I knew I shouldn't go and get another tattoo,
Of you on my arm, but what do I go and do?
I go and get another one, now I got two, oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.
Now I'm sittin' here, with your name on my skin,
I can't believe I went and did that stupid s*** again,
My next girlfriend, now her name's gotta be Kim, shii-ii-ii-ii-iit.

Getting married again: a cheaper and safer option than laser surgery.

music eminem

WE HADN'T NOTICED HIM GO, TO BE HONEST

Back, back, back... from, erm, wherever he's been - it's the return of Gareth Gates. He think's he's figured out why it went a bit crappy for him first time round, too. He wasn't - cough - hunky enough:

"Gareth’s launching his comeback with a real treat for his fans.

"He went away a boy but he’s coming back with a six-pack and pecs. We want to show everyone that he has grown up."

Since a large proportion of his fans are women of a certain age, they’ll be chuffed to see some shirt off action.

Our source added: "He’s been shifting weights and has a new calendar which shows off his body."

That's exactly what we need - another Peter Andre. Although even we aren't so hard that we can't see him being told "get your tits out for the Malibu and bingo crowd and you might just recoup" without feeling a pang of sympathy for the man. There will be music and not just bitchtits this time, too, though:

"He’s a priority for 2006 and has a Simon Webbe and Ronan Keating middle-of-the-road sound.

"There’s no point in trying to be radical - it’s just too dangerous."

Do you know, all our sympathy just evaporated.

music gareth gates

YOU MEAN... YOU'RE NOT REALLY GOING?

Goodness me, after all this stuff about how Eminem's retiring and not doing any more and taking his curtain call, it turns out - be ready for a shock - he's not really going. He's just going to reinvent himself:

"I just decided to put out a collection of the hits from the first four albums." And he insists he's got more to come: "It's like the final chapter of this part of Eminem, I guess, till I figure out what my next move is."

Hmm. Pretty similar work under a slightly different name, perhaps, Marshall?

music eminem

SNOW SHOW NO SHOW

Cast out in the cold is poor Hannah Spearitt. (Yes you do, she used to be in S Club 7). Her Christmas musical (called Snow) has been closed after a couple of days; the event was a gathering of Christmas songs and managed to limp off after playing to a house of two - the cast were outnumbering audience four-to-one. It wasn't, it turns out, financially viale to continue like that. We guess all the figures were imagining crowds of at least six punters.

music hannah spearitt london musicals

WELL, IT'LL MAKE SURE THEY DON'T COME NEAR YOU AGAIN

Police have enough to deal with every day, without having to put up with Pete Doherty strumming the guitar at them in an awful manner. They were searching him for drugs when he piped up with his guitar, which led them to retreat faster than a fox encountering the Countryside Alliance.

In other Pete news, there's not going to be any charges following that whole runaway-girl-on-a-bus-he-wasn't-on incident from the Babyshambles tour.

music pete doherty babyshambles

PERHAPS SHE HAD A JAR WITH A TIGHT LID SHE NEEDED OPENING

God alone knows why - and even He's a bit puzzled by it all - but Britney Spears has elected to prolong all our agonies and has taken back Kevin Federline. "Friends" reckon she was just acting out her frustrations on "someone she knows will stick around" - or will stick around when the titty bars aren't open.

music britney spears kevin federline

NOW, KEEP AWAY FROM THE POTATOES

Just in time to release a solo version of that East 17 Christmas hit (go on, you know you want to), Brian Harvey has been given a clean bill of health and is about to start work on some new songs. So, virtually a happy ending to his not-suicide-attempt car accident, then. Apart from the new songs bit, of course.

music brian harvey

FROM BAD TO WORSE

As if Hear'Say singer turned classical musician turned astronomer turned TV presenter Mylenne Klass' life couldn't get any worse, she's now being targetted by members of the Upper Sixth in the street. To make things worse, she's meant to be leading an anti-bullying campaign, and now she's a target for bullies herself. Although it was hardly A Clockwork Orange:

Klass, who presents ITV show CD:UK, was confronted by a group of three girls and two boys in a Bermondsey newsagent.

After dropping a bag of chips on her head they pushed her to the ground. She ran away after one of the youths said: "Shall I bitch slap her?"

Probably the worst thing was that they didn't seem to recognise her. Otherwise we might have to face up to a crowd of marauding bullies targetting Heat-featured celebs - and then nobodies wouldn't be safe.

[Thanks to Zeinab Malik for the pointer]

music mylenne klass

YOUNG BUCK SETTLES HIS CASE

Not many details yet, but it sounds like Young Buck has cut a deal with prosecutors over the violence at the Vibe awards last year which might keep him out of jail. If he's lucky.

music young buck

PUNKS RIP OFF CLOTHING MANUFACTURERS

It's hard to shed any tears at all - any at all - for poor Kevin Lyman. Lyman is the man who makes shoes under the Warped name and who attempts to make them seem cool by sponsoring corporate-punk gigs and tours, and he's cross unconfirmed bands are telling other corporate sponsors they'll be playing the Warped 2006 tour:

Basically we've become aware of several bands that have not been booked on the 2006 Warped Tour who are soliciting sponsorship money from companies by claiming that they're playing on next year's tour," Lyman said. "We're already aware of a couple of bands that have been telling companies they're playing Warped, and we're finding out about more every day. And when we do, those bands are banned from not just next year's tour, but all future editions of Warped. We don't tolerate fraud.

Hey... sticking it to big business by lying at them? Maybe those overly polite pretend punks aren't so bad after all....

music warped punk

NO HAND SIGNALS

As hip-hop battles get ever more stupid, now Jay-Z is being sued by a wrestling bloke who reckons he's pinched his hand gestures.

Yes, you heard.

Diamond Dallas Page reckons that he invented the 'diamond cutter' hand mark - it looks a little bit like making a vagina-shape in the air - and he's seen Jay-Z using it. If we were Jay-Z, we'd be using a particularly open-source form of hand gesture in Page's direction right now.

music jay z diamond dallas page

NO OH-LA-LA

Proving that "do you wanna come back to my room and play my video game in which I shoot people" isn't a failsafe chat-up line, it seems 50 Cent's attempts to tap off in Paris just didn't work. We love the sniffy explanation for the rejection, which is along the lines of "Paris girls aren't that sort of girl." Fiddy left his party stony-faced and empty-handed.

music 50 cent

WE ALWAYS HAD HER DOWN AS A CHRIS MOYLES SORT

Although we're sure whenever she knights a cardboard box maker who's given a fortune to New Labour she says "I use your boxes all the time", the Queen was probably being more than polite when she told the now "Sir" Terry Wogan that she listens to him most mornings. Remember, this is a woman with tupperware on her breakfast table.

Incidently - Sir Terence of Wogan? Is this the first time a Smash Hits gag title has been made flesh? Can David Bowie now expect to be made a dame?

music radio terry wogan

IS IT TOO LATE TO SEND THE TICKETS BACK?

What good, we ask you, is the Take That reunion if Mark Owen isn't going to wear hotpants? No Robbie is a selling point. But no hotpants? I can't help but feel we've been cheated.

music take that hotpants

YOU'RE REALLY GROWING ON ME

Vanity, vanity, all is vanity - apparently, Justin Hawkins has had a hairweave. Like Paul Daniels. And, as with Paul Daniels, you have to wonder why he bothered... still, in a year or two it might start to look as... erm, natural as Elton's, eh?

music justin hawkins the darkness

ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS NOT GAY

... and now he's got some legal backing to shore that up. He's won undisclosed libel damages from The People, Star and Hot Stars over claims that he'd deceived the public when he neglected to mention in Feel that he'd had casual homosexual sex:

His counsel, Tom Shields QC, told the court: "Mr Williams is not, and has never been, homosexual."

The August 2004 report in The People, owned by MGN, said Mr Williams was about to deceive the public with the publication of a book, Feel, that would say he only had sex with women.

Feel was an account of the performer's life told, with Mr Williams' co-operation, by Chris Heath, who had lived alongside his subject from 2002 to 2004.

Northern & Shell published in Star and Hot Stars magazines in September 2004 claims that Mr Williams kept secret homosexual encounters.

Zoe Norden, solicitor for MGN and Northern & Shell, said: "I accept that the allegations to which my friend has referred were untrue.

"The defendant apologises to the claimant and expresses its regret for the injury and distress caused."

The publishers had also agreed to print prominent apologies and pay Mr Williams' legal costs.

The curious thing here is, of course, that had the case gone to trial Williams would have had to have demonstrated that being accused of being gay had lowered his standing in the eyes of the ordinary person in the street, or harmed his life or work in other ways.

However, the allegations that he was liar are another matter - and you;d be a hiding to nothing fighting an expensive libel action in a bid to "prove" someone was a liar or deliberately misleading the public. (This, of course, is what was at the heart of the Jason Donovan versus the Face case.) Because, after all, being called gay - when you're a man working in the pop industry - is hardly a career-shattering allegation.

music robbie williams gay

ROCK SICK LIST: Yellowcard redcarded

Illness and general malaise in the Yellowcard camp has led to the band pulling their UK minitour. Ryan Key, the croaking singer, has issued an apologetic statement:

"I am sorry that we have to cancel our UK shows. There is nothing worse than disappointing our fans that want to come out to see us play. I can't fly until I am better and I am at risk of needing surgery on my vocal chords."

He added: "If I stay home now and take the time to get better I can avoid this risk and come out next year for our UK tour. From the band and myself please accept our deepest apologies and we promise to see you in 2006."

The December gigs have been scrubbed completely - refunds or nothing there - but a new bunch of dates for 2006 have been announced:

Bristol Academy (March 1)
London Astoria (2)
Manchester Academy (4)
Newcastle University (6)
Glasgow Academy (7)
Nottingham Rock City (9)
Birmingham Academy (10)
Norwich UEA (11)

music rock sick list yellowcard

KEVIN TRIES A RECONCILIATION

Kevin Federline has chased his meal ticke... sorry, estranged wife, all the way to Las Vegas in a bid to save his most important relationship. Oh, yes: he loves his car:

"He loves his car almost as much as he loves Britney. He was devastated when he heard she'd sent it back to the dealer.

"He's been calling all the time asking for forgiveness, saying he wants to be together as a family.

"He angered Britney by asking for his car but backed off when she got mad and went out with pals. Although Britney has been partying with pals, deep down she's devastated by the split. She's so young and already has one failed marriage, not to mention the baby with Kevin. That's why she may take him back."

Yes, because who wouldn't want to get back with a guy who cares about his tiny little red sports car so much?

music britney spears kevin federline

COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST GOT US SOCKS OR SOMETHING?

George Michael has made a 95 minute documentary which, he reckons, will explain why his career has been stop-starting for the last twenty-odd years. He says its his Christmas gift for fans, although he still wants them to pay for it. Because by paying, you see, they can prove they care enough to hear the truth:

"If someone has paid seven or eight pounds to see a film about me I can be fairly sure I am talking to fans."

To be honest, George, if they sit through 90 minutes of you banging on, you can be pretty certain they're dedicated as well.

music george michael

MADONNA FIGURES IT OUT

We might give the impression that we don't think Madonna is really all that smart (there being a difference between 'smart' and 'shrewd', of course), but, buy, were we wrong. For example, take country sports. She was thrilled when she became an English lady, as she was keen to try her hand at country pursuits like shooting. But then she discovered a horrifying fact: if you shoot birds, they drop out the sky:

"I was mad for shooting a couple of years ago. I loved my bespoke outfits and everything.

"Then a bird dropped in front of me that I'd shot. It wasn't dead. It was really suffering. Blood was gushing out of its mouth. I haven't shot since. I realised that I had a kind of bloodlust and was manically shooting as many birds as possible."

Lots of dimwitted people doing pointless shooting and blood everywhere? Is she sure she was on a game farm and not watching Guy making a movie?

music madonna shooting

MUST YOU RIP HIM TO SHREDS BEFORE HE'S EVEN COLD?

Noel Gallagher, who knows a bandwagon when he sees one, has heard people describe George Best as "the fifth Beatle" and decided that (despite him being a United player and, as such, the anti-Christ to Gallagher's beloved City) Best could have been, you know, like a member of Oasis:

“Georgie transcended football. He was called the fifth Beatle and he looked cool as fuck.

“He owned a nightclub and a clothes shop, drove a Ferrari and he shagged Miss World.”

Asked whether George was cool enough to be in Oasis, Noel replied: “The only thing he didn’t do in his life that was cool was play music, and he probably would have been good at that, too.”

Yes... because he once poured champagne in a giant pyramid of glasses, he'd almost certainly have made an excellent bassist, wouldn't he?

Of course, Best would have been a perfect fit for the band - an early smattering of Genius spun out into a career of declining quality (we reckon the next Oasis album is their 'playing for AFC Bournemouth' point), kept going on goodwill alone and more famous for his sex life and fighting than for what it was he was supposedly good at.

music noel gallagher oasis george best

WE CAME SO CLOSE

For some reason nobody's ever mentioned this before, but to, erm, celebrate 25 years since the sainthood of John Lennon commenced, details of a six million dollar CBS contract that could have reunited the Beatles have been revealed. Apparently, it was part of a deal McCartney cut. Just imagine - if they'd made that record, perhaps Lennon would still be alive now. And Liverpool airport would have a totall different name. Makes you think, eh?

music paul mccartney john lennon the beatles

WHAT SUP

Mariah Carey has always been quick to deny that she's got ideas above her station and expects flunkies to do everything for her. Here, though, you can see her having a little person to lift her drinks for her - clearly, before the three people and a scaffolder who do her make-up turn up as well. Not that she's a diva, or anything, like...

music mariah carey

WHEN INDIE GODS COLLIDE

Can you imagine what would happen if Liam Gallagher and Pete Doherty both turned up to see their kids with Lisa Moorish at the same time? If your answer was "turmoil", you can have an extra point, as that's what happened:

“Lisa has allowed Pete to see Estile recently. It seemed he was sorting himself out and she felt that he was ready to build bridges.

“But she would expect him to organise his visits on advance, although it’s difficult with someone like Pete. It didn’t help that he seemed a bit worse for wear and was rambling and stumbling all over the place.

“Lisa just lost her temper and Liam was really miffed. He turfed Pete out into the street and told him he wasn’t going anywhere near either of the kids until he sorted himself out.”

Being given a lecture about how childishly you're behaving by Liam Gallagher? Come on, Pete, even you must spot that's some sort of warning sign, surely?

music pete doherty liam gallagher oasis babyshambles

YOU TAKE IT EASY, GIRL

We're not sure anyone - apart from those left trying to flog the handbags she turns her hand to when time is spare - is going to be especially upset by the decision Gwen Stefani has made - she's decided to "have a nap" rather than make a second album. Which is funny, as we found ourselves having a nap rather than listening to the first one all the way through.

music gwen stefani

THE PRICE OF FREEDOM

Jane Siberry is carrying out an interesting experiment over at her website - she's offering downloads and inviting visitors to pay what they think they're worth:

They can pay their own "self-determined" amount immediately at the time of transaction -- or pay later after giving it some more thought. They can also pay the "standard" industry price of 99 cents a song.

But the fourth option -- and one that Siberry openly encourages -- is the most radical: Download freely as a "gift from Jane."

"I received a lot of requests for permission to burn copies of 'Calling All Angels' after the New Orleans floods -- and also after 9-11 and the tsunami -- and I always said yes," says Siberry, whose musical solicitation of heavenly help has become an inspirational anthem for relief workers. "Then I thought I'd just put it on my Web site so they could download it free without wasting the plastic from burning it onto a CD. But then I started feeling it was wrong to withhold my music for money -- as strange as that might sound! -- and if I need to find another way to make money, I will: I'm selling my house and living simply nowadays, so I don't really need that much. I just rented a room in Vancouver with just a table for writing my music on a laptop, and that's all I need."

From each, according to their abilities, to each, according to their needs. It'll be interesting to see how this Marxist approach to download pricing works out - if you believe the record labels, everyone will grab the freebies, and then break into her room, steal her computer, eat her pets and flog her clothes on Ebay. On the other hand, if Siberry is able to make a living from the provision of an honesty-box, the labels might find the moral force underpinning their prosecution of file-sharers weakened still further.

music jane siberry

RE-WARDING

Back when Jessie's Girl was a hit, it was a staple of Did You Know features on radio that Rick Springfield wasn't just a pop star, he was an actor as well. Neither, as it turned out, were actually true - he didn't really star much in the pop world and he was a doctor in a daytime soap.

But now, Sprignfield's got a new album out, and he's returning to General Hospital after 23 years as a way of promoting the record.

music rick springfield general hospital

WORST, CLUNKING PR JOB EVER

We're just taking it on faith that Ilana is a singer as well as a model - we've never heard of her, and we doubt anyone else has, either - but we couldn't let the posting of the world's most clunking PR stunt in recorded history pass without bringing your attention to it. Some company that does internet shopping is launching its new store with a convoluted press release claiming that this Ilana has been threatened by "extortionists" who are going to post a sex tape featuring her online.

“Ilana had made a few comments that she wanted iCorp to make known so people would know her side,” Hytken said. She stated that, "They asked me to model the lingerie line so they could get their creative juices working. Apparently their creative juices weren’t the only things working." Ilana went on to say that, “The new line of clothing is very cool.” She continued by saying, “Sex is a very natural act and I am not ashamed at what I did. So I thought, what’s the harm? I just wished that I had known that I was being taped for the whole world to see."

That doesn't sound too scripted, does it?

music pr ilana

SOMETIMES, READING TO THE END OF A HEADLINE JUST DISAPPOINTS YOU

We got excited when we saw the first half of the news on MTV Movies site: Papa Roach Singer Gets Throat Slashed In Lou... - but then, as we were wondering why they couldn't spell loo properly, we clicked on the link and got to a page with the rest of the headline on it: ...Diamond Phillips Movie.

Mind you, when people hear Jacoby Shaddix talking about the acting role, he might put himself just inches away from the original headline:

"I literally live 10 minutes from where the set is [in Sacramento, California], so it's crazy how it all works out," he said.

The supernatural thriller also stars Pam Grier and Lou Diamond Phillips.

"Growing up and watching 'Young Guns' and 'La Bamba,' please believe I was stoked when I heard his name," Shaddix said of "LDP." "I met Lou Diamond and he's just like, 'Go make history, kid,' and I was like, 'OK, here we go.' "

Shaddix plays an artist whose wife finds a Ouija board in their new home, at which point the "shit hits the fan."

"I'll be honest with you, I didn't read the whole entire script so I don't know exactly all the twists and turns, but it seems really cool," he said. "It's got a lot of flashbacks and stuff like that. It's based around a Ouji board that kind of like possesses people."

Well, why would you need to read the whole script, eh? It sounds cool, with all its flashbacks and stuff. And how convenient that the film set was near your house; you wouldn't want to have to make any sort of sodding effort like getting on a bus or something, would you?

Larry Olivier is sobbing in heaven.

music papa roach jacoby shaddix

WITH OR WITHOUT YOU

Here's a great idea how we could solve world poverty: let's tax Bono. He can clearly afford it - some of the tickets for the sold-out Australian leg of the U2 tour were selling for $200 - roughly ninety quid. Ninety quid for a gig. You can get to see a middle-range festival for that, and have money left over for chips.

Of course, U2 is free to charge whatever it chooses for its product. Just like Exxon and Royal Dutch Shell.
[Thanks to Lady Cracker for pointing out the tariff]

music u2 bono

TONIGHT, GOOD GOD, IT'S STILL THEM INSTEAD OF TRUCE

You'd have thought Justin Hawkins had learned to deal with disappointment by now, but he's still muttering darkly over not being let to do the Bono line on the Band Aid reworking. Yes, the rest of the world might have forgotten the record already, but Hawksley is still moaning about it...

music bono justin hawkins

COULD WE SUGGEST TRYING TESTICLES?

Realising that sounding a little bit like Pinky and Perky's pre-pubescent cousin isn't going to help him when he goes for the big action movie roles, it's being claimed that Justin Timberlake is trying to find out how men do that deep voice thing. Yes, he's having gruff-voice lessons. He's hoping he'll end up sounding like Bruce Willis, but we guess that he'd be happy to achieve something like Ashley from Coronation Street, whihc at least would be moving in the right direction.

music justin timberlake

IF ONLY THEY'D DONE IT FOR US

It would be nice to think that the news that your-dad-as-Peter-Andre Chico Slimani was being stopped from releasing a Christmas single because someone has decided that it would ruin the holidays for us, but it's more because his X-Factor contract won't let him compete with the 'official' X-Factor single. Of course, if you really want to buy somebody a record by a poorly-thought-out comedy character with bulging eyes, there's always the crazy frog.

We can't be arsed to check, but we'd imagine Chico said something about it being Chico time.

music x factor chico slimani

THE FUTURE OF COPYRIGHTS

Almost unnoticed, slipping out into the night, comes mention that Gordon Brown has got former Financial Times editor Andrew Gowers onboard to carry out a review of Intellectual Property rights. This is part of fulfilling Labour's manifesto pledge "modernise copyright and other forms of intellectual property so that they are appropriate for the digital age".

Without wanting to suggest that this sounds like a good time for the so-called Creative Industries to pop over to their local Labour headquarters with the chequebook out, we can't help feeling this sounds like an opportunity for our rights as cultural-supporting citizens to be eroded still further and our position as consumer-spending subjects of the record labels and Hollywood to be further enshrined.

Ominously:

The Government has previously committed to examining whether the current term of copyright protection on sound recordings and performers’ rights is appropriate. This will also be conducted within the review.

This is the bit the record industry has been lobbying for, to stop sound recordings entering public domain after fifty years. If it was up to us, the question here would be "is there any reason to suggest that a corporation which has been unable to recoup its investment in making a recording over the course of fifty years would be able to do so given another twenty?", but we suspect instead Gowers will be asking "how many years extra, Mr. EMI?"

music gowers review copyright

A LOT OF MENTIONS FOR BLOC PARTY AND KANYE WEST

Perhaps in a bid to try and avoid a calling to account, TripleJ in Australia haven't bothered to make a staff chart out of their people's best albums list, but it kind of looks to us like Wolfmother's Wolfmother has done best out of the pooling of consensus. The most unexpected choice is Doctor Who at the BBC Radiophonic Workshop. Which volume isn't recorded.


Don't you hope Dannii Minogue will cover Cybermats Attracted To Wheel one day?

music triple j

ROCK SICK LIST: Grant Nicholas

Bad news from the Feeder camp - a sore throat has led Grant Nicholas to keep quiet and the band have pulled the last three dates of their tour.

Apparently, it's "blood on the vocal chords", which is an unpleasant enough image to quieten down anyone going "oh come on, play the gig anyway..."

music rock sick list feeder grant nicholas

WHEN THE GOOD LIFE COMES TO AN END

Kevin Federline better be hoping the offers to show up and humiliate himself on faded-celeb style TV shows start rolling in soon, as his other main source of income looks like drying up pretty quickly. Britney's sent his car back to the showroom.

music britney spears kevin federline

MARIAH CAREY NEAR-NAKED AND PRANCING

That must have been an odd experience for Mariah Carey - she was relaxing in her bath in Claridges when the fire alarm went off, so she had to grab a bath robe and clatter down the fire escape. A full dressing gown? Must be the most dressed she's appeared in public in years.

music mariah carey claridges

DOHERTY OFF TO REHAB AGAIN

Apparently, Pete Doherty now reckons that he's going to go back to rehab to show his love for Kate Moss. Sounding surprised she was pissed off that he quit rehab in the first place, he tells the Sunday Mirror that he's going to give it another go. The paper doesn't say if it paid for drug-addled tear-stained sobs like this:

She's furious with me for leaving rehab - and that's understandable. But I will go back in. I've promised her.

"We've been on the phone to each other every day. She is in South Africa but we're still in touch all the time.

"It is my destiny to be with her but she doesn't want me to be with her - unless I get off the drugs."

But why would Pete go back? One of the key things about any addiction treatment is you have to believe it's going to work, and clearly, Pete doesn't:

"I don't know how Kate managed to get off the cocaine because I thought the clinic was a load of rubbish. I don't know how it could have made Kate clean because when I was there it felt more like prison.

"I had to share a room with three people. I didn't like it there. It was a waste of time in the middle of the desert.

"But if it means being with Kate, I will go back there. I swear we will get back together."

And while we're sure he really means he will go back... isn't there going to be a slight problem? With the arrest for possession hanging over him from last week, how does he plan to leave the country?

What's funny, though - albeit in a bleak sort of way - is that Pete doesn't seem quite as keen on his romantic view of prison he's been pushing since he got out last time:

"I can't go back to prison. I can't - I don't think I could take it."

It's getting really painfull to watch this, as the end is starting to look more and more like it's going to be a nasty one. It's hard to see how Pete can save himself.

music pete doherty babyshambles kate moss drugs

BRITISH PEOPLE TRAVEL TO VIETNAM AND EXPLOIT YOUNG GIRLS

We're sure the News of the World only has the best interests of "brave" Tran Thi Thao Nguyen at heart, but we're not sure quite what the point is of making her go through the alleged loss of her virginity to Gary Glitter is right now. Of course, the paper could argue that it's not going to prejudice Glitter's trial, but even so... what is exactly gained by making a young girl recall the night she was raped in lurid detail? It's already well established that Glitter is a bit of a monster; surely the NOTW doesn't find this whole story titilating, does it?

Talking of News of the World, we were very surprised to see the top banner on their website described with the following alt text:
"Sellmystory,sellastory,gotastory,cashfromystory,payformoremystory,
exclusive,scoop,worldexclusive,exclusivepicture,celebrity,scandal,kissandtell,
kissntell,parishilton,davidbeckham,victoriabeckham,soccerstar,filmstar,tomcruise,
britneyspears,amazingstories,I'mACelebrity,celeb,star, StrictlyComeDancing,maxcliffordXFactor,BigBrother,Soaps,Music, Sport.
Ali Landry,Alicia Silverstone,Alyssa Milano,Amanda Peet,Angela Schijf,Angelina Jolie,Anna Friel,Ashley Judd,Bridget Moynahan,Brooke Burns,Brooke Satchwell,
Brooke Shields,Calista Flockhart,Cameron Diaz,Carmen Electra,Cate Blanchett,
Catherine Bell,Catherine Zeta-Jones,Charisma Carpenter,Christina Applegate,Christina Ricci,Claire Danes,Claire Goose,Clea Duvall,Courteney Cox,Courtney Throne Smith,
Demi Moore,Denise Richards,Donna D'Errico,Drew Barrymore,Elizabeth Hurley,Elisabeth Shue,Erika Eleniak,Emma Harrison,Gabrielle Anar,Gena Lee Nolin,Gillian Anderson,
Gina Gershon,Gwyneth Paltrow,Halle Berry,Heather Locklear,Hudson Leick, Isla Fisher,Izabella Miko,Jamie Lee Curtis,Jenny McCarthy,Jennifer Aniston
LoveHewitt,Jeri Ryan,Jessica Alba,Jessica Biel,Julia Roberts,Kate Winslet,Katie Holmes,Kim Basinger,Kimberley Davies,Kirsten Dunst,Lisa Kudrow,Liv Tyler,Lucy Lawless,Lucy Liu,Lynda Carter,Martine McCutcheon,Meg Ryan,Melissa Joan Hart,Mena Suvari,Michelle Pfeiffer,Natalie Portman,Neve Campbell,Nicola Charles,Nicole Kidman,Phoebe Cates,Piper Perabo,Rebecca DeMornay,Rebecca Gayheart,Reese Witherspoon,Rosanna Arquette,Salma Hayek,Samantha Janus,Sandra Bullock,
Sarah Michelle Gellar,Shannen Doherty,Shannon Elizabeth,Sharon Stone,Sophie Marceau,Stacey Dash,Teri Hatcher,Tia Carrere,Tori Spelling,Traci Lords,Uma Thurman,Vivicia Fox,Winona Ryder,Yasmine Bleeth, Alec Baldwin,Ben Affleck,Brad Pitt,David Boreanaz,David Duchovny,Dylan McDermott,Ewan McGregor,Ethan Hawke,James Dean,Johnny Depp,Jude Law,LeonardoDiCaprio,Matt Damon,Matt Le Blanc,Mel Gibson,Nicholas Cage,Scott Baio,Tom Cruise,Will Smith,Adam Rickitt,Andrea Corr,Beyonce Knowles,Billie Piper,Celine Dion,Christina Aguilera,Courtney Love,
Dannii Minogue,Emma Bunton,Faith Hill,Foxy Brown,Gary Barlow,Geri Halliwell,Janet Jackson,Jennifer Lopez,Jessica Simpson,Justin Timberlake,Kylie Minogue,Lauryn Hill,LeAnn Rimes,Louise Nurding,Mariah Carey,Madonna, Mandy Moore,Mel C,Melanie Blatt,Natalie Imbruglia,Nicole Appleton,Rachel Stevens,Reba McEntire,Ricky Martin,Robbie Williams,Ronan Keating,Sean Combs (Puff Daddy),Shania Twain,Shaznay Lewis,Vanessa Mae,Victoria Adams, Whitney Houston,A1,All Saints,Atomic Kitten,Backstreet Boys,Bewitched,Boyzone,The Corrs,Five,Girl Thing,Hanson,S Club 7,The Spice Girls,Steps,Westlife, Cat Deeley,Daisy Fuentes,Denise Van Outen,Donna Air,Emma Ledden,Gail Porter,Katie Couric,Sara Cox,Tracy Shaw,Ulrika Jonsson,Zoe Ball, Elaine Lordan,Sid Owen,David Dickinson,Sheree Murphy,Jilly Goolden, David Blunkett, Kimberley Davies,Jenny Frost,Anthony Costa,Carol Thatcher,Jimmy Osmond,Darren Gough,Patsy Palmer,Colin Jackson,James Martin,Bill Turnbull,Zoe Ball,Will Thorp,Dennis Taylor,Fiona Phillips,Gloria Hunniford,Jaye Jacobs,Siobhan Hayes,Shayne Ward,Phillip Magee,Nicholas Dorsett,Chenai Zinyuku ,Chico Slimani,Brenda Edwards,Maria Lawson,Andy Abraham,4 Tune,The Conway Sisters,Addictiv Ladies,Journey South,Orlaith McAllister,Anthony Hutton,Makosi Musambasi,Sam Heuston,Jade Goody,
Shell Jubin,Vanessa Layton-McIntosh,Nadia Almada,Brian Rowling,Kate Lawler,Michelle Bass,Lesley Sanderson,Craig Phillips,Maxwell Ward,Saskia Howard-Clarke,Jessie Wallace,Leslie Grantham,Michelle Ryan,Joe Swash,Steve McFadden,Tina O'Brien,Nikki Sanderson,Samia Ghadie,Pete Doherty,Kerry Katona,Liam Gallagher,Noel Gallagher,Emma Bunton,Will Young,Gareth Gates,Danni Minogue,Geri Halliwell,David Walliams,Matt Lucas,Sharon Osbourne,Louis Walsh,Simon Cowell,Chris Evans,Billie Piper,Christopher Eccelston,David Tennant,Kate Thornton,Chris Moyles,James Nesbitt,Ant McPartlin,Dec Donnelly,Gavin Henson,Kevin Pieterson,Andrew Flintoff ,John Terry,Steven Gerrard,Ricky Hatton,Ryan Giggs,Ashley Cole,Jermaine Pennant,Joey Barton,David James,Sol Campbell,Lee Bowyer,Cristiano Ronaldo,Paul Gascoigne,sven,Rio Ferdinand,David O'Leary,Chris Eubank,Lee Sharpe"

The point of alt text is to make webpages easier to follow for people who use screenreaders or who surf with images switched off. Surely Rupert Murdoch's sunday title wouldn't be attempting to use an accessability feature in a bid to rig its position in the search engines, would it?

music gary glitter rupert murdoch news of the world

THIS WEEK JUST GONE

Our ten most visited stories in the last seven days:
1. Did the NME fix its Top 50?...
2. ...Londonist withdraws the allegations
3. Labels lobby the EU to be allowed access to your private details
4. The Others website replaced by crack paranoia symptoms
5. Has Michael Jackson converted to Islam?
6. Sony BMG's malware removal tool had security flaws
7. Jonathan Ross wishes he'd made a fuss about Live8 bill
8. Avril Lavigne attacks Britney Spears' clothes
9. What The Pop Papers Say - Bob Stanley talks girl bands, and NME arbitrates on cool
10. Alex Turner's ex girlfriends tempted back by Arctic Monkeys

The whole week on one page

And this week, we plugged:


Rufus Wainwright bundles Want One and Want Two into a single set


NME brand-extending paid-for indie disco 2005 soundtrack


Fancy Radiohead doing anything as commercial as a Christmas market DVD release, eh?


Ominously includes "Karaoke" tracks


If you like their sort of thing, this is the sort of thing you'll like


The hardest working songs in showbusiness get a DVD-style release


It's like Junior Choice in a box. Ed Stewpot Stewart not included.