A party thrown by ITV

We presume 2006: Greatest Hits was an attempt by ITV to shake up its usual end-of-year Song of the Year show by, erm, not really doing anything much. The words "ITV" and "celebration" go together like "taliban" and "hot-tub" or "Rumsfeld" and "integrity", so the horror of the evening was always going to be built-in.

This sort of show, done well or badly, feels like a tea-time treat, something to kick off Saturday night viewing, so naturally ITV scheduled it for Friday evening prime-time, when half of the audience who might have been interested would have been out binge-drinking or - just possibly - watching gigs.

Cat Deeley is off hoping for a call from Maxim to remove her outergarments ("building a career in America"), which meant ITV had to fall back on the increasingly ubiquitous Vernon Kay. Kay, of course, has had some experience presenting music television - he was one of the shepherds who helped an entire channel, UK Play, over the edge of the cliff during his time at Top of The Pops at Play - but since then has been busily carving himself out a niche as a light entertainment presenter; succeeding on managing the first word of that job description and not coming near the second. We wonder if the person who had signed him up for this had watched last week's Celebrity Family Fortunes, in which Gaby Logan effectively took over the presenting while simultaneously competing, and started to wonder if they'd made some sort of mistake.

To be fair to Kay, it's not his fault that the show had a terrible format - band does song, and then gets "introduced" by a short video package, followed by a stilted interview, a complete arse-about-tit of an organisation. But a man who can introduce Ana Matronic and pronounce her name in a way that suggests he's missed that it's a pun does deserve some sort of special prize.

To be further fair to Kay, it's equally unlikely he's directly to blame for the total lack of atmosphere in the studio. There's an audience in the studio, but it looks slightly thin and, with the ill-conceived set design and unsympathetic lighting, it looks like the hopes for a mid-80s TOTP Christmas special feel had merely delivered the atmosphere you'd get in a regional news studio on the night of the death of an especially well-loved local weatherman.

Could the music lift the programme? Of course not: presumably trying to reel in some sort of Daily Telegraph pop-page readership, the show was packed with James Morrisons and Snow Patrols; even Scissor Sisters turned in a dreadful, slow ballad.

If this really was the year we've just lived through, thank god it's over. ITV managed to suggest that we've spent twelve months suspended in the sounds Dido has in her head.

music 2006 greatest hits itv vernon kay

Cooper Temple Clause "not glowing in the dark"

As if it wasn't bad enough that the ones out of Razorlight that aren't the one people have heard of had travelled on one of the planes being given a once-over in case there were traces of polonium aboard, it now turns out that Cooper Temple Clause also had to pee into a bottle following a trip on BA.

There are many mysteries surrounding the death of Litvinenko: who poisoned him? why? did he really convert to Islam the day before his death? But now, a far deeper mystery is opened up:

What possible business could the Cooper Temple Clause have which would carry them overseas?

music cooper temple clause

Mariah Carey battles with porn soundalike

Normally, we snort derisively when celebrities start to object to similar-sounding endeavours, but with Mariah Carey taking on Mary Carey, we must admit we've some sympathy for Mariah.

She's afraid a similarly named porn star might confuse her fans, and, let's face it, Mary Carey is known for prancing about in front of cameras with little on, and couldn't carry a tune if she was given a low-loader to help her. Furthermore, her artistic endeavours centre on panting and screeching. So similar to Carey, it's almost frightening.

music mariah carey mary carey

What sort of royalty deal covers the old Wham catalogue?

We've grown used to getting requests for help shifting cash around from the widows and orphans of former potentates and civil servants. But this... this is in a new league:

Mesage from George Michael

Goodday my dear,

In a brief introduction, my name is George Michael. My intention of contacting you is to have a discussion with you regarding an investment that I want to build in your country. Urgently confirm the receipt of this message with your direct telephone number to enable me call you immediately and furnish you with details.

I will be waiting for your reply as you finish reading this message.

Best Regards,

George Michael

Fancy that, eh? Trouble is, we've just had our account cleared out by Simon LeBon and David Sylvian working in tandem, so we're not keen to get involved in another 80s icon investment scheme. Unless Tony Hadley wants to get in touch...

music george michael 419

She's looking rough

Hats off to the 3AM Girls for some excellent work this morning - it's not surprising they can't tell Blunt from Tunstall, as whose life is so empty as to be worried about that? But you'd have thought two of them might be able to work out "left" and "right" between them.

music 3am girls

Lee Ryan flying off

We're not sure by what process Lee Ryan has decided that he's got more chance of reviving his career by relocating to the US, but that's what the plucky little lad is going to do:

"I've had enough of it here. I've got a far bigger chance of success there."

Of course. The American people will be delighted to take to their hearts the man who suggested that the terror attacks on September 11th 2001 weren't significant because elephants were dying.

Apparently, though, Lee has been doing some work for Costa Coffee recently, so maybe he's just figuring a country with thousands of branches of Starbucks are bound to be hiring somewhere.

music lee ryan blue

Bette Midler is played by Liz Smith

Britney Spears? Lindsay Lohan? They're no better than they ought to be, reckons Bette Midler:

"I've been on the other side to these wild and woolly sluts that we are seeing around our lives these days and I've taken the other side.

"I started my life out as pretty wild, but I have decided, after much growing and living, that its time that we got nicer!

"And I'm wearing underwear, a lot of underwear. In fact I'm wearing all the underwear that those girls are not wearing - at least two bras and several pairs of panties."

"These girls need to get a life and get a grip. I mean someone should sit those ladies down."

But please, please make sure they keep their ankles together when they do.

music britney spears bette midler

Heather Mills: naked and dumped

The Sun's excitement at the large haul of photos of Paul McCartney and the two Mrs McCartneys found dumped on wasteground is the opportunity to describe more naked shots of Heather Mills:

One shows Heather, 38, in bed barely covered by a white sheet — with her artificial leg standing on a black stiletto shoe beside the divan. Others show her posing nude and showing off her bump while heavily pregnant.

She is also seen wearing diamond earrings in a bath — and in a pink swimsuit while playing in a whirlpool bath with their three-year-old daughter Beatrice.

[...]

We immediately alerted Sir Paul and arranged to hand the colour prints to him. The private shots show naked Heather leaning out of a Victorian-style bath wearing only diamond stud-earrings.

She gazes over her shoulder while around seven months’ pregnant in a series of snaps.

More than 30 other private pictures show pouting Heather poolside in swimsuit. Four of the dumped pictures are cheeky close-ups of her bum as she sports a skimpy striped thong-style swimsuit.

The real story, of course, is less telling us they've seen another picture of Heather Mills full-frontal, or waggling her arse, and more the question of how the pictures came to dumped in the first place - something which doesn't seem to occur to the paper. Curiously, there are also photos of Paul with Linda in there.

If there are pictures of the Beatle naked, either the Sun couldn't stomach the thought of them, or thought its readers wouldn't be able to.

music heather mills paul mccartney

Student protest closes Clinic down

(No, it's not a Planned Parenthood story)

Seemingly confused about their priorities, a small knot of studious students at St Martins in London have forced the axing of a Clinic gig.

The students were worried the idea of a pop group playing music might somehow destroy their studies for a night, leading to the inevitable failure in final exams, enforced unemployment, and a downward cycle of drugs, depression, daytime tv and dating Pete Doherty until a cold, early death at the age of thirty trying to break into a freezer round the back of Iceland in the desperate hope that they might find a chicken kiev they could suck to keep life and soul together.

A planned sit-in has forced the band to reschedule the date for some other time; the students are now targetting the Archbishop of Canterbury over Christmas, which they feel to be a diversion from their hard work: "they're even talking about closing the college down because of it, as if the distracting rustling of tinsel wasn't bad enough" said one.

Amusingly, the support for the Clinic gig was coming from The New Puritans. You'd have thought the sit-in roundheads would have welcomed them, at least.

music clinic st martins

The RIAA wants to dip into publisher's pockets

The RIAA is a busy organisations. It's not all about sitting around briefing lawyers about the best way to sue its own customers.

Oh, no, it's also always busy coming up with intiatives.

For example, it's spotted that while the record labels totally screwed-up the move to digital, losing millions through a misguided policy of trying to shut down the new technology instead of working to meet the demand, music publishers were quick to see the opportunities and, for example through striking quick deals to co-operate with ringtone sites, have managed to do quite nicely.

The RIAA response? Since they're making money elsewhere, they should be paid less for writing records:

"During the period when piracy was devastating the record industry, the RIAA argues, profits for publishers rose as revenue generated from ringtones and other innovative services grew. Record industry executives said there was nothing strange about seeking a rate change that would pay less to the people who write the music."

So: apparently amusingly not noticing that if people didn't write songs, they'd have nothing to sell, the RIAA have decided that songwriters should earn less for each song simply because they've found other ways of raising revenue.

Let's all try this. Here's a letter I'm going to send to an Ebay seller, utilising th