Feargal Sharkey quits UK Music

Feargal Sharkey, who has been so much the public face of shadowy lobbying organisation UK Music that we were starting to think it might have consisted entirely of him and a collection of hats and false moustaches, is moving on:

Feargal Sharkey commented, “UK Music has been one of the greatest adventures of my life and I leave now so I might continue on other journeys.

“While there will be many memories above all I shall never forget what a honour and a privilege it has been to have worked with such a dedicated, creative and professional team of staff, without whom, so much simply would not have been possible. Their friendship, support and guidance has been an inspiration and they will always have my overwhelming admiration and respect. Thank you so much for allowing me to be part of that.

“To Andy, I salute you. The industry is indeed fortunate to have you.

“What is now most important is that we can all look forward to the future successes I know that UK Music, can, and will, achieve.”

Jo Dipple is taking up the slack from the loss of Sharkey, and here's a file photo of Jo released by UKM today:

Seriously, Jo Dipple was a strategic advisor to Gordon Brown prior to joining UK Music when the organisation launched. Specifically, she advised Gordon Brown on communications, and we all know just how successful Brown was at getting his point across, don't we?

Gordon in the morning: Kylie arse

It's great to see a showbiz duo reunited, isn't it?

KYLIE MINOGUE proves her bottom is still tops - bringing it out of retirement in a raunchy new video.

Who knew that Kylie's butt had retired? I hadn't been paying much attention, but it turns out it had left showbusiness a few years back, to pursue a dream of running a small bar in Spain.

Kylie, meanwhile, spent some time using Stuart Price to work in the role previously performed by her bottom, although on some appearances she went solo. Even though that made sitting down difficult.

Her original bottom has been tempted back from retirement, though, as the Spanish bar business has been quite badly hit by the recession and the ash cloud.

Oh... it turns out that all that's really happened is Kylie has worn a pair of hotpants again for the new video. Not that she's run out of ideas or anything.

Two good reasons to vote against Cameron tomorrow

Lord Lloyd-Webber and Simon Cowell have both instructed you to vote Conservative.

Lloyd-Webber thinks its all about the economy:

Lord Lloyd Webber said that given the state of the public finances, “We have to vote Tory. They do represent our only hope when times get rough.”

Yes. Readers in the North of England and Scotland will particularly remember how Thatcher kept the wine and gold flowing during the dark days of the 1980s.

The Telegraph thinks this is something to do with the BBC, because he's on a BBC programme and so, right, that's got to be something, hasn't it?

His comments were an embarrassment for the BBC, which tries to maintain impartiality between the political parties during election campaigns.

But it's not like he made the comments on Over The Rainbow, is it? And Lloyd Webber endorsing the Tories isn't much of a surprise, is it? The man's got a Thatcher tattoo on his left pec.

Over in The Sun, Simon Cowell is telling you how to vote:

"I have always hated celebrities lecturing people on politics. So forgive me."

You know what? I'm not sure I can.

But I am passionate about this country.

It's true; sometimes he thinks when he's doing America's Got Talent or American Idol how much more fun he'd be having if he was at home.

"I am equally passionate about the potential of the people who live here."

This might come as news to George Sampson.

I don't believe a General Election is the X Factor.

Choosing how you vote should not be a snap verdict based on a few minutes of television. We are not talent show judges picking pretty-sounding contestants now.

Didn't Cowell appear on Newsnight a few weeks back suggesting that there should be an X Factor style contest to determine political solutions?

Cowell claims he isn't telling anyone how to vote - watch as he shows no favour to any party:

Cowell describes Labour's Gordon Brown as a "sincere man" but says the PM is "tired".

He warns of the dangers of a hung parliament and casts doubts on the Lib Dems and Nick Clegg, saying: "I worry about a lot of his policies."

And of Tory leader David Cameron, he says: "I like him, I trust him. He has substance and the stomach to navigate us through difficult times."

It turns out though, that he's telling the truth - this isn't Cowell telling people how to vote. He's actually acting as a puppet for his richer-but-less-famous-mate:

The masses of red tape, regulation and political correctness have tied us all up in knots.

On this I agree with Sir Philip Green - one of Britain's most successful businessmen, who runs the clothing chain Arcadia, including Top Shop, Miss Selfridge, Burton and Dorothy Perkins.

Green - sorry, Cowell - wants government to just make businesspeople richer:

It's the government's job to encourage entrepreneurialism and investment. Most importantly, it's the government's duty to inspire confidence.

It should give hope to the younger generation to build on our wonderful heritage. It should inspire us to get out there and create and invent.

And then it should get right out of the way.

In other words, the government should tell banks what to do - lend lots of cash - but not tell any other business what to do.

Right now it takes twice as long to start a business in the UK as it does in the USA.

What does that mean? The British 'open' sign is so heavy it takes two people to turn it round in a shop window? If this is true, couldn't Cowell at least have explained it - do you have to save up twice as long? Are business start-up people generally twice as far into their working lives in the UK than they are in the US? Or - like his vaguely worded bollocks about knife crime - is Cowell simply making shit up?

It's important, because he's very precise on his next point:

I was recently told that around 40,000 new regulations have been introduced since 1998 - that's 14 every working day.

Yes, perhaps - but not all 40,000 apply to everybody. It's like counting diversions applied to the road network as a whole and concluding you'll never make it to the end of your street.

Personally I think the worst result is a hung parliament. It ends in months of stupid arguments and then a dull compromise, which means nothing will ever get achieved.

Cowell was fourteen the last time there was a balanced parliament in the UK, and it's amazing that he has such a clear memory of what it might mean. To be honest, it's only really Cameron who's pushing this lie - but you'd have thought that managing to balance a party with a few token minorities and some batting-wild extremists for four years would have made him look forward to the simpler task of brokering power in a coalition. Isn't he just saying he's incapable of compromising?

Still, if Cowell's backing Cameron, it'll be because he's got good, solid reasons for it, right?

I have met David on two occasions. I liked him immediately. I trust him and he was very quick to commit to helping with a serious funding deficit for a children's hospice charity I am involved with.

I have always trusted my gut instinct - and this was a guy who I thought would do the right things for this country.

Oh, do I feel stupid? A month of watching the news and reading the papers, and all I needed to do was wait for a gurgle from Cowell's bowels.

Cowell, you see, loves this country:

I am passionate about this country and I am equally passionate about the potential of the people who live here.

My proudest achievement has been the success of the shows and artists I have been involved with, because they were made in Britain.

Yes. American Idol. America's Got Talent. American Inventor. Those brilliant shows, made here, in Britain.

I have seen that the American Dream is a reality - and I would love to feel the British Dream is also a reality.

The American Dream? Where anyone can come to America with nothing and make it big? If anything good has come out of Cowell's late intervention, it's his endorsement of mass immigration as a means to build a better nation.

Seriously, though: if your voting decision is influenced in any way by Simon Cowell, do us all a favour. Stay at home tomorrow.

Gordon Brown breaks the law

Perhaps the least of his worries tonight, but Gordon Brown's been accused to being part of an event which breached licensing laws. The one with the Elvis impersonator:

A performance at the weekend by Brighton-based Elvis impersonator Mark Wright took place at Lodge Park Technology College in Corby as part of a lunchtime speech given by Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

But, according to the [Live Music Foundation], the move contravened the council’s own rules because the venue's premises licence only allows entertainment from 6pm until midnight.

Corby council say that it was fine, because the pretend Elvis doesn't count as music - he was "incidental", apparently. So that's alright then. Apparently.

You're not rid of me: Gordon Brown enjoys some PJ

Bloody hell, how desperate must Gordon Brown be for votes if he's decided that he's got campaign time to squander watching PJ Harvey doing Let England Shake:



Gordon: she's a fox hunter from the West Country. You might want to move on to someone a little more demographically welcoming.

Seriously, though, I think it's quite sweet that he stayed around to watch Peej do her stuff - it's certainly more comfortable than Maggie doing Saturday Superstore. Or, for that matter, this:



Nobody seems sure if it's satire or an act of misguided passion. If it's meant to help Cameron, it's the sort of helping you get when a drunk guy offers to make toast and burns your kitchen curtains instead. But if it's supposed to be a satire, it's rotten on that score too. Maybe we should just forget The Cameron Girls ever existed. They just want us to look.

[Thanks to @el_paulo for the PJ Harvey; he's not to blame for the Cameron Girls]

Vote Labour. Save 6Music. Perhaps.

Gordon Brown hasn't quite added a 6Music twibbon to his election avatar, but he has offered his backing for the campaign to save the network via the medium of an interview with the Radio Times:

Gordon Brown told the Radio Times that he is backing the campaign to protect the digital station, facing closure as part of a shake-up of the corporation intended to divert £600m into programme-making.

"[I] think, personally, that the BBC should not have succumbed to pressure to cut certain things – but they have," he told the magazine. Asked whether he was in favour of the campaign to save 6 Music, he said: "Yes because it's the next stage you worry about. The Conservatives have said that they'll hive off Radio 1.

"A lot of things that the BBC does are incredibly creative and quite risky. But this is a necessary means of us being a creative society."

Okay, it's an election year, and you suspect Brown or Cameron would claim to be supporters of Brighton And Hove Albion if they thought there was a vote in it, but it's still pleasing to see that Brown is prepared to offer his support for Marc Riley's career.

Sadly, the Radio Times doesn't appear to have followed up with a question about the loss of the fourth Radcliffe and Maconie show, but they did try this gambit:

Asked whether he preferred listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1, Chris Evans and Jeremy Vine on Radio 2 or Jarvis Cocker on 6 Music, he replied: "Definitely 6 Music. Definitely."

Yes, Gordon. I actually believe that the new manifesto was knocked out while listening to Italian library music on The Freak Zone.

Gordon in the morning: Noel Gallagher has a lot in common with David Cameron

There's going to be another Gallagher child, as Noel is about to become a Daddy again. We can only be thankful that the pain he was telling the Canadian courts about yesterday didn't interfere with that.

Given that all he has is 'Noel and Sara are expecting', Gordon goes to extremes to fill in a story about this. Luckily, he doesn't get his Photoshop guys to mock up the moment of conception. Instead, he reaches for "a source":

A source said: "Noel and Sara are over the moon. They're so happy that Donovan will have a little partner in crime to play with. Their family is complete.

"Their pals have been joking that Nelson is a frontrunner on names as they think the baby was conceived on a holiday to South Africa."

Got to love the "their family is complete" bit - because that's exactly the sort of thing you say to other people at the start of a pregnancy. "If anyone asks, tell them our family is complete."

But what's this about Nelson? It turns out it's something that's been made up purely to allow a punning headline:

Noels Son Mandela

- which would only be clever if the baby had been going to be called Nelson. As it is, Gordon doesn't really have any reason to expect it's going to be a boy.

Still, if there's one thing Gordon knows about, it's Noel Gallagher:

Noel - who has a daughter Anais, ten, from a previous relationship - has been taking a break from the limelight since Oasis split last summer.

Smart does admit that this break includes playing two gigs at the Royal Albert Hall, but also seems to have missed the whole 'making an advert for tennis shoes', announcing a new solo project, and attempting to take the focus off Kasabian at the WarChild post-Brits gig, and giving a statement about being pushed over to the courts, and offering support to the World Cup bid and...

Gordon in the morning: Simon Cowell gets going

It's going to go to charity, which is good, but reading about The Sun's Haiti charity single you might think that the effort was aimed at proving how well-connected Simon Cowell is:

Simon, 50, has already played a key role in negotiating a deal with Prime Minister GORDON BROWN for the VAT to be waived on all sales of the track.
[...]
Simon said they will have to move fast to produce the single here and in the US.

He said last night: "I wanted to do something for Haiti so when I had calls from The Sun and the Prime Minister asking if I would get involved I agreed immediately.

"We are going to do a single. We only made the decision today.

"I have got to get it together in 48 hours."

I'm a little cloudy on the details here - Cowell really wanted to do something to help Haiti but was still hanging around yesterday morning not doing anything? He negotiated a VAT waiver (which is actually going to be a payment equivalent to the amount of VAT, surely?) with Gordon Brown - but Brown asked him to get inolved with The Sun record in the first place? Doesn't that make Brown a bit more key in the process than Cowell is?

So, here we are again: a charity single. And it'll raise cash, which is good. But surely if Cowell is so influential, and the Sun and Brown involved, somebody could have come up with something a bit more inventive than yet another retread of Band Aid?

With all Cowell's connections, how about getting two or three artists on each of the larger labels together to pledge their current singles' earnings to the appeal? Actually, if Cowell has the influence, why not get that to be a pledge for the money raised from just one track by a slew of acts to channel funds to Haiti until the copyright rules out? I'm sure Girls Aloud could spare, say, any future earnings from Biology, or McCartney would be able to squeak by without the cash he'd be making from Waterfalls.

Everybody would be a winner - we'd not have to smile weakly at an awful, rushed, group singalong; people could buy songs they actually like to help the charity; and, by signing over earnings from the track, Haiti would get a fund which would be delivering cash for years to come to, helping with the work that's going to be needed to try and return to normal.

Set against such a possibility, doesn't a singalong single seem a very small use of Cowell's powers?

Gordon Brown finally finds someone to kick

It's taken a while for Gordon Brown to find a target he can safely pick on - someone who wouldn't be able to shoot back "well, at least I'm better off than you, matey" - but he's managed it.

He's having a go at Jedward, who are apparently in the current run of The X Factor:

Gordon Brown doesn't rate X Factor's Grimes twins. The PM told a Manchester radio station: "I don't think they're very good."

To laughter, he then asked the audience: "Does anyone want John and Edward to win X Factor?"

Meanwhile, Jedward appear on tonight's The Westminster Hour on BBC Radio 4, pointing out that they've still got a chance of winning their popular vote.

Gordon in the morning: A little drink

One of the reasons that The Sun is withdrawing its support for Labour is the boozy, woozy nature of Britain:

Booze ... the number of alcohol-related deaths and violence has soared since Labour came to office

Yes. Who else but the government should be held responsible for the increase in drinking and the belief that getting smashed is cool?

Sorry, we were drifting off topic. What's Gordon got for us this morning? Still at the MOBOs, he's reminding us that getting smashed is cool:

IT was even-stevens with two gongs apiece at the MOBO Awards for N-DUBZ and JLS.

But party animals DAPPY, TULISA and FAZER from N-Dubz put their rivals to shame with some seriously boozy aftershow antics.

The trio lasted the distance during a whisky-fuelled tear-up - while ASTON, MARVIN, ORITSE and JB peaked too early.

Presumably it was Gordon Brown himself who suggested to Gordon Smart that he should write in glowing terms about young people drinking as if the amount you can put away should be a matter of pride. Right?

The D:Ream is over

It's amusing that - having made such a fuss about no longer supporting Labour a couple of days ago - The Sun only seems to have belatedly realised it's meant to offer an alternative and actually has a "oh... we'd better say something about the Tories" this morning.

I'm sure it's not been lost on David Cameron and Andy Coulson that the tone of the Sun's coverage isn't "Cammo is the man for Britain", but rather "god, Gordon is knackered." But as Homer observed, default are the two sweetest words in the English language.

Even today, as the paper finds some room to let Dave tell us what his plans are, they're still more interested in kicking Labour than actually endorsing the Tories. And, oh, how cruel the sting of the turncoat:

THE pop star behind New Labour's anthem insisted last night Things Can Only Get Better - if voters DUMP the Party.

D:Ream singer Peter Cunnah - whose track was Tony Blair's theme tune when he swept to power in 1997 - backed The Sun as he declared: "We need to give David Cameron a chance."

The fed-up dad of two, 43, said: "It's time for a change. If Gordon Brown called me today I wouldn't sing for them again."

I suspect it's hugely unlikely that anyone would be putting in a call to D:Ream HQ for an endorsement this time round, given that next year's first-time voters would have only just been born the year the song came out and so doesn't quite have the youthful relevance it once did.

It's worth pointing out that Cunnah isn't "backing The Sun" at all, either - the paper is saying 'vote Tory' (except, confusingly, to its Scottish readers) and Cunnah... well, he isn't:

Peter said the Conservatives had to show that they offered Britain a PROPER alternative.

He admitted that currently he was frustrated at not seeing "a real choice". That was because "the Conservatives are so red and the reds are so blue".

Peter added: "I think, 'Should I use my vote?' I'm still floating."

Not quite agreeing with the

Gordon in the morning: Gordon is a Tory

Well, whoever would have thought it? After a decade of supporting the people best-placed to do Murdoch favours from Downing Street, this morning The Sun makes the shocking announcement that, henceforward, the paper will support the people best-placed to do Murdoch favours from Downing Street. In a historical leader that none of its readers will read, the Sun insists that it is time for the paper to cosy up to the party most likely to be shaping broadcasting policy for the next four years.

Oh, and some stuff about how Britain is all broken and stuff, and how bodies get left unburied and stuff. All that stuff.

And as Dominic Mohan opened the file with the words "It is vital for the country that we can tell [insert name of party leading in the polls] that we helped secure their victory" and pasted it into the paper, Gordon Smart was doing his bit for a Cameron victory by underlining the theme of broken Britain:

Amy's music-making has also come to the attention of some people far closer to home.

Neighbours in her smart London borough are tiring of her late-night recording binges.

The singer is often up until 5am warbling, and locals have begun to complain.

Can David Cameron save the poor people of the nicer parts of London?

Only time will tell.

It's not just a political realignment this morning, though, as Gordon calls for Noel Gallagher to be dropped from public life:

Take a Bow, axe Lord Noel

Yes! Let's take a bow and axe Noel Gallagher. Although what are we going to use the bow for? Oh... hang on... you mean "axe lord", don't you?

The axe Lord has teamed up with fellow Manc rocker IAN BROWN.

The duo star in a new advert for Adidas and filmed their appearances in the new campaign at an industrial estate in East London last week.

So Noel's now flogging shoes? I see.

X Factor changes rules, resets Scotland

You'd have thought that if Simon Cowell was the genius everyone pretends he is, he might have had the idea of changing the format of the X Factor before the first set of rehearsals had been filmed. Now, they're going to have to do the Scottish ones all over again.

Await, now, the inevitable person-through-originally-now-not-getting-through story.

In the Gordon Brown interview for Guardian Weekend - the one where he tried to passive-aggressive away his problems by saying 'I could just walk away tomorrow, I could; no, really' - the Prime Minister's love of Cowell and his end-of-the-pier franchises came up:

And Britain's Got Talent - is it his new favourite TV show? "I think Britain's Got Talent is really interesting. What annoyed me when I was at school was that there were lots of people with obvious ability who could've benefited from opportunities and were told, 'It's not for people like you.' And now they've got more open ways of coming forward. Surely the future for our country is more that Britain has got talent than it is that Britain is a broken society."

What about the judges? Simon Cowell is so nasty. "Do you not think the reason people like him is that he's honest about whether they've got a talent or not?"

Soon, when Gordon is an ex-PM, and people start to sift about for what went wrong, that section might become a key text. Surely, by having a programme called 'Britain's Got Talent', and by having open, public auditions for shows like the X Factor, Cowell is doing the very opposite of "being honest": the format claims, falsely, that everyone is in with a chance.

To hold out an offer of hope, and then to crush it away in the coldest, most snide way possible, leaving people with their confidence in tatters, their dreams of a better future ruined, and the sense of having been very publicly humiliated is a horrible thing indeed. And then turning round, after doing that consistently since 1997, and saying that you like Britain's Got Talent as well is unforgivable.

We're all the winners, aren't we?

Interestingly, the US CNN ticker is still reporting "Susan Boyle loses Britain's Got Talent" - a talent show in another country. Is it any wonder that the circus has screwed her up badly?

It's even more depressing that the Prime Minister - who, you would have thought, might have better things to spend his time on - is driving forward the circus, even when it's clear it's time to leave her be:

Prime Minister Gordon Brown wished the star well. "I hope Susan Boyle is okay because she is a really, really nice person," he told GMTV.

He had added that he had spoken to Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan to check on Boyle's progress.

Downing Street said Mr Brown had been concerned about her welfare - although he did not vote for her after watching Saturday's final.

Given that Morgan and Cowell turned her into a global sideshow (a global freakshow, if we're being honest), is asking them if Boyle is okay a bit like asking Bernard Matthews how comfortable the turkeys are?

How bad are things for Gordon Brown?

Things are so bad for the PM that Lily Allen is able to patronise him:

She has said that Gordon Brown is “a nice man” and that she could never become a Tory.

Although what of the Tories, Lily - aren't you working with them?

Boris Johnson, is “a cool guy” and that she wants to fulfil her promise, made in the wake of the glut of teenage stabbings last year, to help London’s troubled youth. But not until she has enough time to do it properly. “I could just turn up to something and shake people’s hands and have my photo taken, but I’d rather do something hands-on and actually achieve something.” Then she breaks into squealing giggles. “Boris wrote me a letter recently, but I’m not going to tell you what it’s about.”

So... so far, she's just been part of a big, splashy press launch and not actually done anything because she doesn't just want to do something for the cameras and then no do anything? I see.

Thank god Gordon Brown has time on his hands

I could just about see sending a stenographed form letter to the twelve X-Factor finalists, what with the lotofgoodworkforcharity. But seemingly Brown has so little to do he dashed off personal notes to all twelve of them. He's dreading the workload if the BBC bring back 1 vs 100.

Sit Down? Shut up, Gordon

Sit Down was a bit of an odd choice for Gordon Brown to come on the stage to anyway, wasn't it? Besides being a song that reeks of student discos from nearly twenty years ago, isn't it a bit of a terse message to be giving the masses?

Anyway, Tim Booth isn't happy that it was used at all:

"We have always been supportive of the Labour Party, as well as Greenpeace, Amnesty and CND, but obviously the machinations of a desperate politician trying to restore unity by using our song is not something we are totally behind."

Oddly, NME.com describe 'organisation playing record' as an "incident" which perhaps overplays it.

Booth thinks that Brown missed the point:

"The song is about unity and that's obviously how Brown is trying to use it. But it's about unity of people and spirit rather than healing the divisions of political parties."

Is unity why Brown chose it, though? Perhaps it's the lines "now I've swung back down again, it's worse than it was before/ if I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor..."

... or they could get Shed Seven to play Going For Gold

That noise? That's the sound of sixty million hearts sinking as the London Olympics organising committee gets into the swing of making the nation feel embarrassed on a global scale.

The contribution we're making to the closing ceremony is Beijing is awful enough: a 1970s rock act playing while David Beckham kicks soccer balls off the back of a routemaster bus. It's like the entire inspiration for the show came by popping into a tourist gift shop off Leicester Square and scribbling notes - I wouldn't be surprised if there's a surprise element where a poorly-made beefeater wanders on, and removes his hat to show he's stuffed full of slightly stale shortbread.

Then, straight after the closing ceremony, there's this kick-start event from outside Buckingham Palace (it seems there's been a law made where all slightly shabby national celebrations have to be sited so as to annoy the Duke Of Edinburgh to the greatest effect) with Heather Small and il Divo churning through a couple of songs. Straight after. You'll move from having seen the power of a ruthless dictatorship burning through a nation's entire health budget for the next three years in the name of entertainment to Il Divo doing one of their tunes.

Still, we've got four years to prepare for the opening ceremony, right? Gordon Brown has got a few ideas:

The PM believes a line-up of rock legends such as Elton John, Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones will provide a glittering celebration of Britain's talent.

A Downing Street source said: "Gordon Brown is determined to put on the biggest and best rock show the world has ever witnessed."

Of course, Gordon Brown has about as much chance of influencing the 2012 games as he does of getting to dress up as Quatchi, the yeti-esque mascot of the 2010 Winter Olympics. Actually, probably slightly less chance, as he's going to have the time free for the Vancouver Games. But even so - the Stones, Macca and Elton? Is the idea really to suggest that we've not actually created any talent since the three day week? Or is Gordon merely trying to suggest talent whose combined ages in four years time will total to 2012?

Robin Gibb is expecting a call from David Cameron

There's some unexpected advice for Gordon Brown - albeit wrapped in some supra-name-dropping - in this morning's Telegraph from, erm, Robin Gibb:

'Tony and Gordon are good friends, I like both of them,' he says. Blair, he insists, is a very proficient guitar player. 'We've jammed.' Brown, he says, is much more personable in private than he appears in public. 'Gordon has too many people telling him to be serious. In fact he is very contagious and infectious. He should show that side more often. People would respond.'

Frankly, the idea of Gordon Brown chuckling his way through Prime Minister's Questions like Vernon Kay is certain to get a response. Still, Gordon could do worse than listen to Robin - after all, it's not like the Bee Gees come across like po-faced humour vacuums, is it?

Gibb also shows the paper round his house:

'The Bishops decided Joan of Arc's fate in the chapel here. Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn stayed here in 1533 on one of their progresses. Oh, and Baroness Sophie Wenham conducted her affair with William IV here,' he rhymes off. 'There's a very old set of stone steps outside that the Baroness used to climb into her carriage. She was short. Dwina uses them now to climb into the Range Rover. I like that kind of continuity, too: the melding of the old and the new.'

Not, of course, that Gibb has lost sight of his roots. Oh no. Because the kids today...

'I can remember my dad sitting under a 40-watt bulb counting pennies, trying to make them last until Friday. The evening meal was a six-penny bag of chips divided among us all for chip butties. We had bread soaked in milk and sprinkled with sugar for cereal. But kids don't question that.

... they don't know they're born, do they?

Mind you, the way his good chum Gordon is handling the economic mess, it's probable that kids are going to start gathering on the Range Rover steps outside his house yelling "a bag of chips between you all? We're lucky to get half a portion of potato peelings for the entire street..."

Gordon Brown loves The Beatles

As preparations continue for the First Liverpool Festival Of Self-Parody (sorry, Beatles Day), someone has thought to ask the leaders of the main UK political parties (and Gordon Brown) what their favourite Beatles song is. For some reason.

Gordon Brown likes All My Loving, although he was taken off-guard as it's unusual for him to be asked a question which doesn't start "God, you're shit and you know it, don't you, you national-sized failure":

Mr Brown explained his choice: "It is so hard to pick one because there are so many but this was my early favourite because it was the first I learnt to play on the piano when my parents sent me for lessons when I was young."

Of course, his real favourite should be Octopuses Garden, because it's the one where the very-effective drummer got the top job and proved to be rubbish at it.

Dave Cameron chose The Long And Winding Road, mouthing "like to Downing Street - do you see? Aren't I clever?" at the end, while Nick Clegg turned up to say "A Day In The Life", although we're not sure anyone asked him:

Mr Clegg said of A Day in the Life: "Even after all this time, it still sounds innovative and radical.

"The dramatic shift of gears musically leading to the powerful piano chords at the end are frighteningly effective, while the lyrics are incredibly effective by combining the mundane everyday life with the tragic death of someone in a car crash. It shows the Beatles at their edgy best."

A Day In The Life, of course, is the result of an awkward compromise, a coalition of a song. Can't think why that would appeal to him.