Thugobit: Ronnie Biggs

Ronnie Biggs, who was part of a gang who beat an elderly train driver with a metal bar, has died.

For years, Biggs lived in Brazil and performed a canary-in-the-coalmine role in British music, outing the more dimwitted stars of the scene and removing any lingering doubt that they might be admirable.

The fawning of The Sex Pistols is well-known, but let's also take a couple of moments to remember this:

Ah, what larks - that's got it all: Shaun Ryder, a criminal, being brought together by Rupert Murdoch's Sun in a stunt organised by Piers Morgan. Even Hercules would have trouble cleaning that one up.

Biggs also helped push his son into the music business. Michael was a member of child band Turma do Balão Mágico, who did things like this:

Of course, Biggs wasn't the only member of the train-driver beating gang who was taken to the hearts of the more low-wattaged amongst British musicians: Phil Collins played one of them in the film Buster, for example.

Tonight BBC One is showing yet another programme about the train robbery, but you don't need to waste your time as Paul Hardcastle did the same thing, faster, and also found time to include the St Valentines Day Massacre:


Jack Mills died in 1970. Although the violence meted out by Biggs' gang was never officially linked to his death, he had never recovered full health following the attack.

Gordon in the morning: No son of mine

Is it just me, or is the headline on story about Bizarre alum Piers Morgan a little... distancing?

Piers Morgan’s out of Talent

Gordon in the morning: Power station

According to Gordon Smart, Beyonce had been planning to play Battersea Power Station but... well, was thwarted?

BEYONCE'S secret gig suffered a bit of a setback when Health and Safety gimps banned her from doing a special show at Battersea Power Station in London.

Gimps?

It seems that saying 'you know what, that would be an unsafe place to do a gig' isn't actually a useful intervention, but somehow 'lame'. If only Gordon were in charge; if someone wanted Beyonce to play in a barrel going over the edge of the Falls Of Glomach, he'd just smile and nod.

Actually, scrub that - he's suddenly realised they have a point:

I would call them killjoys but I saw Beyonce's backing singers, THE MAMAS, at Glastonbury.

Their bras alone would need scaffolding.

Ha ha ha, because they're BIG, do you see? Ha ha ha.

Beyonce went to Harrods instead:

Bosses at Harrods must have been delighted that Beyonce and co turned up.

They are among the few people on the planet who can afford to shop there.

What? Is this Smart trying to reach out to a credit-crunched readership by going "tschaw, those rich people with their rich ways, eh?"

He also finds time to kick one of his predecessors:

She also had the misfortune of being pestered by a chubby old showbiz reporter clinging on to his youth, PIERS MORGAN, who was interviewing her for news channel CNN.

By the time Morgan was Smart's age, he'd already moved on from editing Bizarre and was just about to start his second editorship of a national newspaper.

(Note: being fair to Piers Morgan has led me to sicking up both my kidneys.)

All those businessmen in hotels around the world will be looking forward to seeing an interview with one of the hit parade's finest.

No they won't, Gordon. They have channels which keep them better company, without having half the screen taken up by Piers' face.

Piers Morgan has "banned" Madonna

In other words, Madonna has turned down the Piers Morgan show, but Piers is taking it badly:

"She is too vegan for TV," Morgan was quoted saying by the U.K. media. "We have Lady Gaga now so Madonna is banned from my show."

Morgan said he'd prefer to interview President Barack Obama, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan or "whoever is in the news who is relevant and current."

Tonight, Piers Morgan is interviewing Howard Stern, and later this week will be talking to Condoleeza Rice, so you can see how committed he is to ensuring only the most up-to-the-minute names on his programme.

Morgan has just taken over Larry King's CNN slot. King had drifted into becoming a fawning interviewer struggling to grasp any line worth pursuing. Piers was the obvious choice as a replacement.

If Copenhagen fails...

You know:

PIERS MORGAN, JUDGE ON “AMERICA’S GOT TALENT” AND “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT,” TO HOST ONE HOUR TELEVISION SPECIAL ON SUSAN BOYLE EXCLUSIVELY ON TV GUIDE NETWORK

... maybe our extinction could come as a welcome relief.

We're all the winners, aren't we?

Interestingly, the US CNN ticker is still reporting "Susan Boyle loses Britain's Got Talent" - a talent show in another country. Is it any wonder that the circus has screwed her up badly?

It's even more depressing that the Prime Minister - who, you would have thought, might have better things to spend his time on - is driving forward the circus, even when it's clear it's time to leave her be:

Prime Minister Gordon Brown wished the star well. "I hope Susan Boyle is okay because she is a really, really nice person," he told GMTV.

He had added that he had spoken to Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan to check on Boyle's progress.

Downing Street said Mr Brown had been concerned about her welfare - although he did not vote for her after watching Saturday's final.

Given that Morgan and Cowell turned her into a global sideshow (a global freakshow, if we're being honest), is asking them if Boyle is okay a bit like asking Bernard Matthews how comfortable the turkeys are?

Piers Morgan is a sorry man

Piers Morgan has apologised - although so far, only to Paul McCartney, and only for introducing him to Heather Mills:

"I was fooled into thinking that she was a good person..."

It's easily done, isn't it? You don't realise Heather Mills is bad, you don't realise that obviously-faked photos of prisoner abuse are faked... who can blame you?

[He] insists he didn't know she would turn out to be a "grasping, gold-digging little bimbo".

There's nothing worse than grasping, gold-digging sorts, are there? The sort of person who'd take a husband for everything she can, say, or someone who'd buy £67,000 worth of shares in a company his newspaper is just about to - entirely coincidentally - tip as a great investment.

"I'm not sure if Paul knew she was missing a leg at the time."

Eh? Is Morgan suggesting that having one leg is a character flaw? Or is he just going for a cheap "ha-ha, she's disabled, you know" gag?