Thugobit: Ronnie Biggs

Ronnie Biggs, who was part of a gang who beat an elderly train driver with a metal bar, has died.

For years, Biggs lived in Brazil and performed a canary-in-the-coalmine role in British music, outing the more dimwitted stars of the scene and removing any lingering doubt that they might be admirable.

The fawning of The Sex Pistols is well-known, but let's also take a couple of moments to remember this:

Ah, what larks - that's got it all: Shaun Ryder, a criminal, being brought together by Rupert Murdoch's Sun in a stunt organised by Piers Morgan. Even Hercules would have trouble cleaning that one up.

Biggs also helped push his son into the music business. Michael was a member of child band Turma do Balão Mágico, who did things like this:

Of course, Biggs wasn't the only member of the train-driver beating gang who was taken to the hearts of the more low-wattaged amongst British musicians: Phil Collins played one of them in the film Buster, for example.

Tonight BBC One is showing yet another programme about the train robbery, but you don't need to waste your time as Paul Hardcastle did the same thing, faster, and also found time to include the St Valentines Day Massacre:


Jack Mills died in 1970. Although the violence meted out by Biggs' gang was never officially linked to his death, he had never recovered full health following the attack.

Exciting news as the ones everyone has forgotten rejoin The Happy Mondays

I know, I know; we can hardly hear ourselves think above the noise of church bills ringing out for the reunion of The Happy Mondays.

Well, not actual reunion; it's just the continuation of the second reunion, only now with the all-important original line-up of Bez, Shaun Ryder and... erm... you know, the other... two? Three? Was one of them called Spanky?

There's something ironic in Rowetta making the announcement to the BBC that the original line-up of Mucka, Ducka, Trucka, Sucka and Bez; given that presumably she won't be involved.

Had the band that was playing as recently as 2010 been Beaky, Mick and Titch and this was the return of Winona Ryder and Bez, there might be something newsworthy about it. Instead, a band that have only had three years off in the last twelve playing some more dates might just look like it's hoping nobody noticed as it struggles to steal chips off the plate of the revived Stone Roses.

Gordon in the morning revisited: Bad Monday

Gordon Smart's story about a Happy Mondays reunion from breakfast time had wilted by lunch:

The band's representative told NME that although singer Ryder and brother Paul were on better terms as reported, it was a "bit of a leap" to suggest Happy Mondays had anything planned for 2012.

However, she refused to completely rule out the possibility of the band doing something together next year, in light of plans to re-release their classic album 'Pills 'n' Thrills And Bellyaches'.

Once again, Smart proves to be the man you can't trust.

Gordon in the morning: Mondays come round again

It's hard to get that excited about the fourth coming of The Happy Mondays, especially as there's a tawdry attempt to try and shoehorn it in onto The Stone Roses comeback, as Gordon explains:

A source said: "After the success of The Stone Roses reunion, there's a real clamour to get the group back on the road and document it properly."[...]
[T]his time they want to do it properly, with full tour dates and possible slots with The Stone Roses.

You'll bet they want to sneak onto the Roses' dates, which will turn this latest reunion from one that settles whatever the bills that have come up this time into one which might actually leave them ahead.

But should we be thinking of this in terms of the Roses? Let's listen to that "source" again:

"The Mondays have had offers from film companies, including Film4 and Sky, who want to follow them for the reunion. There will be gigs next summer and a re-release of their classic album Pills 'n' Thrills And Bellyaches. A DVD will also be released of the comeback shows and the documentary."

Ah, doing a comeback to make some cheap television. This isn't Mondays-as-Stone-Roses; this is Mondays-as-Steps.

Shaun Ryder's hearing voices

I suppose the Happy Mondays have never been a band to worry overmuch about the idea of their legacy - after all, they never really bothered that much about survival, never mind how posterity will view them. But even so: Ghosthunting With The Happy Mondays on ITV2?

During the course of the programme - helmed by Yvette Fielding, naturally - they're going to have a seance. Possibly to try and contact Bez.

Thank you for your help, Bez

As if the intervention of MSN to Pete Doherty's health isn't enough assistance for one man to cope with, Bez has decided to offer the benefit of his wisdom to both Doherty and Amy Winehouse:

"Pete Doherty is talked about all the time but he's a fucking lightweight. He spends more time in rehab than he does taking drugs for fuck's sake.

"Winehouse is the same, she's got a lot to prove. There are too many part-time rock n' rollers these days. They should get out and have a good time. I've not spent a minute in rehab in 25 years and I'm alright."

True, assuming your definition of "alright" can encompass having a life based around being thought of as the sort of person who needs his mittens on string and probably shouldn't be allowed his own scissors.

As in the joke:
What's Bez's name short for?
To give him a half-decent chance of remebering how to spell it, probably.

Son, I'm... uh, thirty... I think...

And this, then, would be your brain on drucks: Shaun Ryder has been forced to rely on an autocue to prompt him when onstage:

"Yeah, I forget the words. I need a bit of help. Is it any surprise after all the shit I've done?"

V organisers have a private joke

With Amy Winehouse off not-getting-rehab-it-is-a-retreat to sort out her "problems", the V festival needed a big name who could be relied on to concentrate on the job in hand rather than getting lost in a haze of drink and drugs.

They called the Happy Mondays.

Surely, when gig bookers are suggesting that you;re less reliable than Bez, that has to be a wake-up call?

Happy Mondays buying drugs

Tony Wilson's cancer is under control - which is good news - but he believes its down to a drug called Sutent. That's bad news, because until its given formal approval, it's down to individual health authorities if they want to fund it or not. And Wilson's local health authority don't pay.

So for the next eighteen months, Wilson is having to fund the £3,500 a month cost of the drug himself. Music industry friends - including the Mondays - are rallying round:

Mr Wilson said his friends had been very generous and he was lucky to have the fund, "but some people needing these drugs are cashing in their life savings, some are selling their homes".

Nathan McGough, the former manager of the Mondays, teamed up with Elliot Rashman, the band's current manager, to set up the fund after they heard about Mr Wilson's plight.

Now, there's a cause worth supporting. Wilson is probably the only bloke who hasn't made a fortune out of the Manchester music scene - or, at least, the only person who should have done who didn't.

Mondays shut out of the City

Last time they went to play the States, the Happy Mondays had to leave Bez behind. Now, they've had even more serious visa problems, and have been forced to pull their In The City of New York date entirely.

The official statement draws attention to the growing problems of getting British bands into America to play:

It seems that post-9/11 visa application restrictions for a band with the Happy Mondays history- know as much for their legendary lifestyle as their unique collision of rave beats, indie rock and street poetry has proven difficult this time. Essentially the US Embassy in the UK has halted the process of Bez’s visa application until the outcome of pending court proceedings. Unfortunately Bez was unable to come and shake his maracas at the bands first US performance in more than a decade at Coachella this spring. These proceedings should have concluded weeks ago but due to rescheduling, it made it impossible for a US visa to be issued in time for this weeks planned appearance.

Although the rest of the band were able to enter the country and perform at Coachella, it transpired that other band members - including Shaun Ryder - had been issued with single entry only visas, due to their prosecution histories. Although the duration of the term of their visas would have allowed another visit to the US, the single entry status meant that the whole visa application process had to be restarted upon their return from LA, placing their plans to appear in NYC in jeopardy.

The Happy Mondays are absolutely “gutted” at not being able to support Tony Wilson this week. However, they are sorting their visas issues once and for all—so the whole band— can return to the states sometime soon.

Oddly, the BPI seem to be very quiet on this one - isn't this the sort of thing they should be making a fuss about?

Two haddock, three chips, a pickled egg, Bez and butter

Or, if you'd prefer, Happy Mondays are taking a battering. They've lined up a gig at the Palace Pier Fish and Chip shop in Brighton. It's going to be a testing ground:

"I love Brighton. It's the first time we'll play the new stuff and anyone who doesn't like it will be thrown in the sea."

Northside are trying to sort out a gig for the West Pier.

Bez: Everything's a sideshow

We could understand Bez's motivation for going on Celebrity Big Brother - he was broke - but selling your own wedding as a public entertainment? That's a little low, surely? Couldn't you just sell the toasters if you need cash that badly.

Bez's fiance, Monica Wood, says:

"I'm not really into TV cameras."

You might want to have a word before the conception of the kids is sold to Bravo, Monica.

When the Kaiser met Shaun Ryder (and Shaun Ryder blanked them)

Ah, the excitement of life on the road. Kaiser Chiefs drummer Nick spotted a breakfasting Shaun Ryder:

"I gave him a peace sign but he didn't respond. He looked well though.

"Ironically, I was eating melon, but I wasn't twisting them and neither was anyone else... man."

Nor, as far as we can ascertain from the Daily Record's report, did Ryder go with Nick's mother because she was dirty, or call for Nick to tickle judge Fudge. He did, however, clearly not have a clue who he was.

Bez barred from US

The Happy Mondays set at Coachella won't be quite the full deal: Bez was turned back by US immigration. The band have rustled up a statement:

"Because of the tightening of immigration and working visa legislation, Bez was not, unfortunately, able to secure a visa to perform at Coachella this weekend," it said.

"Happy Mondays apologise to all their US fans that they will not, on this occasion, be able to enjoy the spectacle of Bez shaking his stuff for them at Coachella."

The Manchester Evening News is guessing this is down to Bez's drug record, but we can't imagine a drug-bust filter which would allow Shaun Ryder through and capture Bez. It's more likely a work visa thing: "And what is your line of work, Mr. Bez?" is going to be a tricky one to answer, isn't it?

Forget rehab: Maybe Brit and Robbie need ET?

With so many stars, former stars and social irritants checking into the white uniforms and regulated regimes of rehab these days, and then crashing out a few days later, it's becoming clear that simply "going to rehab" isn't even part of a solution. So, what to do when your addiction becomes too big to handle (and by "handle", of course, we mean "keep out the tabloids.")

Shaun Ryder could provide a way forward: he's quit methadone. And, you'd have to say, something which could separate Ryder from his methadone must be quite a good cure. So, how did you do it, Shaun? Miranda Sawyer suggests it was a slightly unorthodox approach:

He tells me, with glee, about the event that caused him to quit methadone. Shaun was, he announces, 'kidnapped by aliens'. He isn't joking. Shaun saw a UFO when he was 15 ('And once they see you, they do keep a check on you'), and it was after a Happy Mondays gig in Denmark last year that he and two other band members, Kav and Johnny, had out-of-body experiences.

I spend quite some time insisting to Shaun that he, Kav and Johnny must have been out of it, that someone must have spiked their drink, until Shaun just shouts: 'Or we was visited by aliens! I've had all sorts, I've had stuff from the Amazonian rain forest, but that doesn't explain the telepathy!' So I stop. Anyway, they asked the aliens some questions - 'they was a bit shady about [his kid] Jael' - and the whole experience got him off methadone, so well done to the ETs.

So, Shaun Ryder is, finally, apparently, straight, and setting to sorting his life out - and there's a lot of sorting to be done. Sawyer explains the way he's got stuck into having to send every penny he earns to his former manager to pay off a legally unenforceable contract - the courts said that even though it was unenforceable, he had to honour it because he'd previously managed to allow to be enforced; he's trying to do right by his kids, but he's got a lot of bad to undo there.

If Ryder can be sorted out, then there's hope for us all. It might just be a slower process than some newspaper reports of celebrity cures likes to suggest.

[Thanks to Jim McCabe for the link]