Svenagliobit: Lou Pearlman

Here's a sentence that might bring you up short:

Figures from the pop music world have paid tribute to Lou Pearlman, the founder of Backstreet Boys and Nsync, who has died in prison aged 62 while serving a 25-year sentence for a $300m (£229m) fraud.

Yes, the death of Lou Pearlman, without whom we'd not have had Backstreet Boys on NSYNC, has got those who owe him everything trying to thank him while not upsetting those from whom he took everything.

The Nsync singer Lance Bass tweeted: “Word is that #LouPearlman has passed away. He might not have been a stand up businessman, but I wouldn’t be doing what I love today without his influence. RIP Lou.”

The US singer Aaron Carter also paid his respects on Twitter:

#LouPearlman my old manager died in prison... Rip Lou not the best business guy really at all but he did discover me karma is real

"Not the best business guy" is how you'd describe someone who tries to sell hamburgers at a vegan festival. Pearlman was a disgraceful con merchant - and even Bass' "not a stand-up business man" doesn't really come close to how huge his deception was:

According to the Florida Office of Financial Regulation, at the time of Pearlman’s investigation he owed his investors $96 million, but had less than $15,000 in the bank. The investigation found that Pearlman’s records neglected to show the more than $38 million he had withdrawn for himself and his companies.

You can see why Bass - one of the minority of people who shook Pearlman's hand and came away with the same number of fingers he started with - would be trying to look on the positive.

He ended up in such disgrace that when the Hollywood Review met with Pearlman in jail, you could hear Simon Cowell walking away backwards from a claim to kinship:

So yes, he is well aware of record-breaking pop juggernaut One Direction and boasts, "I know if I was out there, we'd give One Direction a run for their money." He reminisces about his "friendly rivalry" in the '90s with that band's puppeteer, Simon Cowell. (Responds a spokesperson for Cowell: "Simon hardly knows him. They were only ever introduced once, and there wasn't any kind of friendly rivalry.")

And that's before you even get to the rumours of sexual abuse, most deeply investigated by Vanity Fair in 2007:

In the November issue of Vanity Fair, Pearlman, for the first time publicly, is described by several former singers, aspiring singers and their parents as a lecher, who used the same deceptive charms to cop cheap feels off teenage boys as he did to allegedly bilk 1,400 investors out of more than $300 million.

Talking to The Hollywood Reporter from prison, Pearlman offered a watertight defence:

He adds that fellow inmates have come to know the real Pearlman through the years and never hassle him about the molestation charges: "They realize that none of that can be true."

'The guys on B Wing don't think I'm a nonce, so how could I be?'

The only trouble with this is that while he's saying he's not a sexual abuser, he also denies having run a ponzi scheme too. In fact, the only thing faster than Simon Cowell trying to distance himself from Pearlman is Pearlman trying to distance himself from the likes of Bernie Madoff. Pearlman insists that he was different because he had a way of making money to repay those he fleeced.

Which is puzzling, as a lot of people invested in a fleet of airplanes which turned out to exist solely as photos in a glossy booklet.

Lou Pearlman was 62. He'd been due to stay inside until 2029.

When marketing fails

"Righto, so Jane Zhang could be the first genuine global pop star from China. We're ready to roll out a tour building on the initial buzz from an encounter with Simon Cowell. He's kind of the Xi Jinping of pop, so it works. We've worked up this idea to promote the tour. What does everyone think?"

"Yes, everyone smirks and says 'maybe it means something else in Chinese' - is that a good sign? I think it's a good sign."

ITV apparently OK with James Arthur's homophobia

Here's a surprise: homophobic tosser James Arthur is due to appear on The X Factor this Sunday, and ITV are okay with that:

A spokesperson says, "Both Itv and the producers of The X Factor would like to make it clear that in no way do we support, condone or share any form of homophobia or discrimination.

"Following his comments James has since apologised last week, making it clear that he did not mean to cause any offence and explaining the context behind his remarks."

Yes, ITV seem to be endorsing Arthur's tortuous 'it's not hateful providing you know the guy you're calling a fucking queer is straight' logic.

The odd thing, though, is that when Coronation Street's Chris Fountain was revealed to have pushed an ill-advised rap video to the internet, ITV were less forgiving:

An ITV spokesperson said: "Chris Fountain's contract with ITV has been terminated as a result of the unacceptable comments he made in a number of online clips."

But Chris Fountain also "explained the context", said he didn't mean to cause offence and apologised profusely. He was still sacked.

Not quite sure what the difference is, unless ITV really is so scared of Simon Cowell it's quite happy to apply double standards. But it couldn't be that, right?

Robin Thicke gets people shouting at him in the street

I'm not surprised that people yell stuff at Robin Thicke in the street.

Oddly, though, he seems to think they're confusing him with someone else:

The 36-year-old singer - who is 18 years younger than the 'X Factor' boss - often gets heckled in the street by people shouting ''Simon'' at him because they think he is the music mogul due to their similar haircuts.

He said: ''I went through a hippy phase when I started out in music and said I would not cut my hair until I heard my song played on the radio. Now I do get called Simon Cowell because of my hair.''

(Lets be generous, and assume that quote was merely poorly edited rather than quite than incoherent.)

"I mean... it must be that people think I'm Simon Cowell, right? That's why they're calling out 'exploitative little wank biscuit' and 'soulless crumb-tray on the end of a life-sapping stick', right? They think I'm Cowell, yeah?"

Gordon in the morning: A national outrage

Leigh Holmwood, looking after TV for the Sun, reports on a shocking show of disrespect to a national figure who, while divisive, has unquestionably won ratings:

SIMON Cowell has been snubbed by Bafta — with neither Britain’s Got Talent nor X Factor nominated for TV awards.

They were left out of the reality and constructed factual category ahead of the May 12 ceremony.

Wouldn't there have had to be some sort of reason to expect the clapped-out X Factor and the dancing dog to have been selected as the best of the year before you could consider this a "snub"?

Sandie Shaw appears before parliament

Yesterday the Culture, Media & Sport select committee was doing some thinking about the creative industries, which included an appearance by Sandie Shaw.

It's been written up in some places as an attack on Mumford And Sons, but... well, not really:

Finance is the biggest barrier for emerging artists.

At the moment, unless you’re Mumford & Sons and come from a public school and have a rich family that can support you, you’re on the dole and you’re trying to work and by the time you get a sniff of a record contract you just grab anything that they might offer you.”

That's not so much an attack on Mumfords as the lack of support for people who don't have their private means of support, surely? (And the gap is going to get worse, again, as Duncan Smith's punish-the-poor measures kick in in a few days.)

Shaw's not impressed by the alternative, Cowell-driven model, either:

“So many artists are disadvantaged,” she said. “They cannot start because of their background and the best music comes from those in challenging backgrounds, it comes from Glasgow, Manchester, Essex, it comes from places and people that are really struggling to make some meaning out of their existence.

“So all we’re getting is a load of Simon Cowell-type stuff that is being paid for and owned by people and the artists are just mere puppets.”

Yes. What chance do artists who take their first steps through a mere talent show have of creating great art like Sandie Shaw? Remind me, Daily Telegraph, how did Sandie Shaw's early struggle shape itself?

Shaw, whose real name is Sandra Goodrich, was working at the Ford car plant in Dagenham and as a part time model when she took part in a talent contest at the age of 17. Coming second, she got to take part in a charity concert and was seen by Adam Faith, the singer, whose manager won her a contract and gave her the stage name and topped the charts that year – 1964 – with (There’s) Always Something There To Remind Me.

But that was a totally different type of impressario sweeping up a talent show winner and giving them a recording contract.

Still, it's not like Faith was a Cowell-esque figure forcing Shaw to do work she didn't much care for, is it? Is it, Wikipedia?

Shaw had originally performed the song as one of five prospective numbers to represent the United Kingdom in the 1967 Eurovision Song Contest on The Rolf Harris Show. She had never been taken with the idea of taking part in the contest but her discoverer, Adam Faith, had talked her into it, saying it would keep her manager Eve Taylor happy. Taylor wanted to give Shaw a more cabaret appeal and felt that this was the right move - and also felt that it would get Shaw back in the public's good books as she had recently been involved in a divorce scandal.

Of the five songs performed, "Puppet on a String" was Shaw's least favourite. In her own words "I hated it from the very first oompah to the final bang on the big bass drum. I was instinctively repelled by its sexist drivel and cuckoo-clock tune." She was disappointed when it was selected as the song she would use to represent the country, but it won the contest hands down, though it has always been felt that this was partly due to her existing popularity on the continent (she had recorded most of her hit singles in French, Italian, German and Spanish).

Oh.

Still, none of that should distract us from her main, valid point: a lot of British creativity has been nurtured by young people using time on the dole to develop a voice. You could argue that a guitarist writing songs while out of work is doing something to help with his "job search" - but the system has no way of recognising that.

It's true that if you force a young Jarvis Cocker to work stacking shelves for nothing in Poundland, he'll get a lot of ideas for songs. But you'd need to give him some space to write the things down.

Martin Gore wants someone to non-violently shoot Simon Cowell

In these post-McAlpine days, does that headline count as an incitement to non-violent violence? Who can be sure?

Gore wants Cowell shot to remove his woeful influence on music:

"I'm not advocating violence but I think somebody should shoot Simon Cowell.

"His influence in the music industry over the last God knows how many years it's been now... it's just like, so many people think that that's what music is.

"What happened to bands getting together? They are very few and far between now and the ones that do probably can't afford to get into a studio and make a record."

I'm not quite sure how you'd go about shooting someone non-violently - presumably you'd need to get a masseur to relaxing shoot him? Not that you should.

Don't shoot Simon Cowell. Just don't.

Besides, it's like chopping down a tree that's got ash dieback; the infection is already blowing through the country on every wind. It's too late to do any good.

Not that shooting Simon Cowell would be good, anyway.

Gordon in the morning: Dog rough

This has been muttered about before, but - presumably because dogs are easier to cope with than people - Simon Cowell is working on a dog talent show.

ITV - presumably on the same basis that they signed up for a second series of Red Or Black - are apparently clearing space in the schedule for a dancing dog show.

Simon Cowell has vanished beyond the Simian Wimbledon horizon.

Gordon in the morning: Caught in a frightening Labrinth

Apparently Labrinth is trying to have his mass ITV audience appearance and reject it. Gordon reports that he's upset at being forced to go on The X Factor by Simon Cowell:

He said: “I’ve been forced. A lot of people think I hate X Factor and think it’s s***. I’m just being honest about the way it works. I think artists who take their craft really seriously don’t go on it.”

Really? How principled of you, then, Mr Labrinth, to, erm, sign to a label which is subsidised entirely by the efforts of those shit artists who don't take approach their "craft" "seriously".

One might wonder how you managed to stomach this bilious distaste when you signed to Syco in the first place. Maybe the money helps.

Gordon in the morning: Gordon drops Cowell in it

One Direction, you'll recall, won some prizes at the VMA awards. What happened next, Gordon Smart?

EVERYONE has an uncle who sorts out a crafty underage bottle of beer at family occasions.

ONE Direction’s late-night sneaky uncle Simon Cowell did the business for them at the MTV Video Music Awards as they picked up THREE Moonman statuettes.

They were each given a bottle of champagne by their label boss at the LA event — despite being under the state’s minimum drinking age of 21.

Ha ha! What a wag, eh?

Although, of course, that does mean that Cowell has committed a crime. Handy of Gordon to point it out in a newspaper, eh?

So, how serious is the trouble that Cowell is in? He's violated California Business and Professions Code Section 25658

Except as otherwise provided in subdivision (c), every person who sells, furnishes, gives, or causes to be sold, furnished, or given away any alcoholic beverage to any person under 21 years of age is guilty of a misdemeanor.

He furnished. He gave. Five times.

Except as otherwise provided in paragraph (2) or (3), or Section 25667, any person who violates this section shall be punished by a fine of two hundred fifty dollars ($250), no part of which shall be suspended, or the person shall be required to perform not less than 24 hours or more than 32 hours of community service during hours when the person is not employed and is not attending school, or a combination of a fine and community service as determined by the court. A second or subsequent violation of subdivision (b), where prosecution of the previous violation was not barred pursuant to Section 25667, shall be punished by a fine of not more than five hundred dollars ($500), or the person shall be required to perform not less than 36 hours or more than 48 hours of community service during hours when the person is not employed and is not attending school, or a combination of a fine and community service as determined by the court. It is the intent of the Legislature that the community service requirements prescribed in this section require service at an alcohol or drug treatment program or facility or at a county coroner's office, if available, in the area where the violation occurred or where the person resides.

Now, five bottles of champagne. I make that five offences in total. If justice is to be served, Simon Cowell should be sluicing down an awful lot of coroner's slabs in the near future, right?

Simon Cowell thinks up brilliant and witty riposte to the original One Direction

You'll recall the original band One Direction, who - somewhat surprised to discover Simon Cowell's band of gym receptionists trading under the same name - launched a lawsuit.

Cowell has now come up with a comeback - He's suing back.

Yes, that's right. Apparently, what to you or I might look like a genuine discomfort at having your band name pinched, to Cowell is something other. The Americans have:

"devised and perpetrated a scheme to exploit the goodwill"

Yes, they built a time machine, flashed back to earlier in the century, started a band with the name One Direction and then came back to 2012 just to exploit Cowell's creativity. It sounds plausible to me.

Gordon in the morning: In the Company of Jessie J

Is it News Corp's kneejerk damning of the BBC, whatever it does, or simply The Sun's fawning over Simon Cowell that is leading to the daily churning of stories attacking The Voice?

Today, they've cut a piece out of a Jessie J interview in Company and twisted it:

JESSIE J strikes a moody pose as she slams The Voice – telling how she wishes she’d known the line-up of fellow judges before signing her BBC contract.

Now, that standfirst gives the impression that she's, well, slamming the programme.

Except, the paper is a bit clearer when it gets down to it:

Jessie said: “I was first to sign up (as a judge) because I was totally up for it. But when Tom Jones said he waited until he knew the line-up, I thought I should have, too.

“It’s been scary at times but it’s one thing in my life, not the only thing. My second album is my focus.”

So it's not that she's actually "slamming" anything, just suggesting that she was too quick to sign up before knowing who else was going to be on - that's about her method, rather than the results, isn't it?

This follows on yesterday's piece about The Voice ratings, which manages to neglect the important detail that this week's programme clashed with the FA Cup Final.

Perhaps The Sun has figured that if News Corp drops its UK papers, Cowell might be one of the few people with enough cash to pick them up...

Gordon in the morning: Two directions

Given how Cowell attempted to bully a charity - a charity - into handing their name over, it's probably not surprising that it turns out there's another One Direction.

And the other One Direction aren't happy:

Manager Dan O’Leary told The Sun: “I don’t care how powerful Simon Cowell is. He’s mad if he thinks we’re going to lie down, sit down or back down over this — whatever power and money he has behind him. We’re not going to be pushed around by some music mogul.

“The British One Direction have Mr Cowell’s enormous resources behind them. We on the other hand do not. In our view, we were here first. We have rights, we have talent, and we have heart.”

O’Leary, who is the dad of his group’s lead singer Sean, added: “My boy’s dreams and the dreams of the band are just as important as the dreams of Cowell’s group.”

The Sun's Aaron Tinney reports that the US One Direction have been going since 2009, have filed trademark papers before Cowell, and that Cowell appears to have been aware of their existence.

You'd think that this would make it a pretty clear win for the original, US One Direction. Only Tinney seems to imply that it is they who should roll over. Why? Because they're ickle:

[The US One Direction's] sales are tiny in comparison to their UK namesakes
[...]
The UK One Direction have stormed America this year, sparking frenzied fan stampedes not seen since the Beatlemania days.

But the US group that shares their name have had only pitiful sales on iTunes and play charity gigs and bars in the States.

It's The Sun. Of course they're going to side with the big, money-making business over the small guy. That's what they do.

More misery from Cowell world, as Colin Robertson reports how Britain's Got Talent contestant Analiza Ching is in pieces:

BRITAIN’S Got Talent sensation Analiza Ching was in tears last night after naked pictures of her spread like wildfire in her native China — and brought shame on her family.

The violinist told how her dad now faces losing his job as a music teacher after angry parents spotted the snaps and pulled their kids out of class.

Nasty. And where might they have seen the pictures?

Er... all over the Sun website on Monday:

STUNNING violinist Analiza Ching shows she’s as fit as a fiddle — as she poses naked with her instrument.

Gordon in the morning: Spies like JLS

Let's hope the plans for Aston Merrygold's stag do weren't supposed to be a secret, as Gordon Smart has published them today:

They [the rest of the band] have called in an ex-MI5 spook to help kidnap him and see he gets a more extreme fright than a few hours handcuffed to a lamppost.

To be fair, Ortise appears to have gurgled the details to the Sun.

Hmm. How wise is it to tell everybody - including the target - that there's going to be a hi-jinks style kidnapping of a high-profile bloke? If you were planning to kidnap a star for real, it would be useful to know there's one who would go "Ha! This is FUN! Oh, you guys..." for at least the first half-hour or so.

Still, famous people have the sort of watertight security that would mean something like that could never happen, right?

In totally unrelated news:

SIMON Cowell found a woman intruder in his bathroom — armed with a BRICK.

Are we absolutely sure this isn't some crazy prank stunt pulled by Ant and/or Dec?

Gordon in the morning: Cowell edits himself into sex tape

It's right, of course, that Tulisa shouldn't be dropped from The X Factor because someone else is selling a video of her having sex. In fact, it's so obvious, that it's not entirely clear why Simon Cowell felt the need to issue a long statement about it.

Well, obviously, it's entirely clear why he did it; because he's happy to use is employee's embarrassment as another front to promote his programme on.

He took the opportunity to slag off the guy who sold the tape...

He should literally find a hole and hide in it for the next week.

Possibly not the best choice of words.

Gordon in the morning: Breaking the Seal

The news that Seal is to divorce from Heidi Klum is like journalistic viagra to Gordon this morning. Why? Because it allows him to wheel out the tabloid's favourite old trope:

[Other divorcing celebs] may have valid reasons but neither can compete with a national rivalry that's sparked two world wars and two semi-final defeats on penalties.

Seal said: "We certainly have differences of opinion. I mean, she's German and I'm English, so if I said we didn't have differences of opinion, no one would believe that."

I suppose the grinding out of world wars and football is relatively restrained; if Piers Morgan was still in charge of the Bizarre telephones, it'd doubtless be photoshopped pointy helmets and 'for you Fritz, ze marriage is over'.

Seal appears to have been trying to signal the end of the affair during an interview last year, which Gordon reprints for a spot of hindsight:

He said: "One of the things that we disagree over is Christmas, she opens presents on the December 24.

"I just don't see the logic in it, it's Christmas, ie, Jesus Christ? And last time I checked, Christ was born on 25 December. But you know what, pick your battles. That's one I don't bother with."

When Seal last checked Christ's date of birth - he did it online, because the opening hours at Bethlehem Registry Office are really poor - the certificate clearly stated "December 25th 0BC". Which proves that you have to open presents on that day.

It's reported Seal spent Christmas Eve last year refusing to let people in to Midnight Mass, on the grounds that it started the day before Jesus was born. "You're WRONG" he screamed. "Wrong, wrong, wrong." Before breaking into huge sobs.

Sharp observers might note that Seal "doesn't bother" with the Christmas thing, besides telling everyone else about it.

Also going their separate ways: Jai McDowall and Simon Cowell.

Jai McDowall. Of course you remember.

Actually, no, I didn't, either. Apparently he won Britain's Got Talent last year. His first album as part of his prize came out last month. Cowell has already checked his watch, though:

Cowell admitted: "I was disappointed with Jai. He wasn't what I was looking for.

"You want a Diversity or Susan Boyle, someone who is a genuine star. He is talented but the show can do better. None of the finalists were up to scratch."

Cowell blamed 2011 judges David Hasselhoff, Michael McIntyre and Amanda Holden and "possibly" show producers too.

Obviously, the guy had the charisma and talent of one of those small bags of salt you used to get in a packet of crisps, albeit without the versatility. But fair's fair, Cowell: if you make people jump through your hoops, then you should at least give them a fair crack of the whip. You've created a monster; it's your poop to own.

Gordon in the morning: Courtney makes an offer

Yikes - has Courtney Love really told that woman off the annoying Marks And Spencer advert that she can do a Nirvana song? Gordon's Lucy Connolly says so:

X Factor Janet Devlin’s Nirvana go-ahead

Except then he admits that the story is really "Courtney does @tweet":

WILD rocker Courtney Love has come up with a plan to help Janet Devlin win The X Factor – by letting her sing a Nirvana track.

The widow of the grunge band's frontman Kurt Cobain — whose ancestors are from the same part of County Tyrone as flame-haired Janet — tweeted Simon Cowell yesterday to suggest the idea.

The Hole singer posted: "@SimonCowell you want some Nirvana songs? @JanetJealousy is from same town as Kurt? I have the perfect idea for that, call me babe."

I'd have thought that basing a news story on a tweet from Courtney would be like pitching a tent on Brighton beach - uncomfortable to begin with and certain to be washed out to sea before the night was out.

Cowell turns happy ending into horrible hanging threat

Remember Rhythmix, the charity whose name Simon Cowell tried to bully-off them? Cowell was attempting to use the name for one of the bands on The X Factor and tried to steal the trademark.

But the band "decided" to change their name, right? So everything turned out okay?

Not quite, for as Cowell perseveres with the Pop Idol format long after the market has been saturated, so he pursues his vendettas. Rhytmix are still in trouble:

Unfortunately, whilst your company Simco and your programme The X Factor have managed to stage a PR event publicly changing the name of your contestants, actually the legal position hasn't changed at all, and neither has the outcome for the Charity.

Cowell's team aren't responding to any letters:

Why won't they respond? Because the legal advice is that the Charity cannot afford to pursue Simco through the courts, so the best way to "win" this matter is to not deal with it and wait for the Charity's money to run out.

Bluntly, that legal advice is correct. This Charity isn't prepared to spend thousands of pounds forcing Simco to "do the right thing". We won't be sending you any more legal letters. We won't be asking Simco any more times not to take our identity. We won't write any more letters to you or to Simco asking that you or they cover the unjustified legal costs they have forced upon the Charity.

They've already had to spend £8000 on legal fees so far; to Cowell that's - what? - a pair of laces for one of his shoes' to Rhythmix, it's "120 hours of music making and social interaction for vulnerable young people that benefit from the Charity's work."

You can help: Rhythmix are trying to raise some money, and you might want to have a word with X-Factor sponsors TalkTalk and ask them what they think of it. TalkTalk are also on Twitter, so you might try there, too.

Rhythmix work with young people in the South-East who find themselves in trouble. It's unlikely they'd have turned their backs on Brighton's Frankie Cocozza.

Cowell backs down, Rhythmix changes name

Belatedly doing the right thing, Simon Cowell and his evil moon-thieves are clumping into action to try and salvage the whole 'trying to bully a charity into giving up their name' fiasco.

It's being pitched as if the contestants themselves came up with the idea of not calling themselves Rhythmix any more:

"At the request of the charity Rhythmix, the members of the girl group Rhythmix have decided to change their name, a decision which has the support of Syco and TalkbackTHAMES," a statement from the programme's producers said. "The group's new name will be announced in due course."

The "group" decided, did they? That's about as likely as Bartleby the Pony taking out a deed poll to become Black Beauty off his own initiative.

It's the right thing to do, but it's still depressing that it took the charity taking its complaints public and building 65,000 Facebook supporters; it's unacceptable that ITV, Talkback Thames and Simco are trying to spin this as doing a charity a favour.

Gordon in the morning: Simon Cowell goes to the movies

The story Simon Cowell tells about why he doesn't go to the pictures tells us a lot about Cowell's self-image:

The last straw came while watching Hugh play a washed-up Eighties singer in the 2007 romantic comedy Music And Lyrics.

He said: "The last time I went to the cinema publicly was for a movie where Hugh Grant was a failing singer songwriter."

To be fair, I think a lot of people saw Music And Lyrics and emerged grimly pledging that they would never, ever go to a cinema again. I think a few people in County Durham even put their own eyes out to make sure they never saw another film, even by accident.

But Cowell has different reasons for not going:

"Some people recognised me and every time his character sang a song in the movie, everyone turned around to look at me.

"I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.

"It was terrible, they looked at me as if I was going to say 'That was crap.' I was so embarrassed I had to get out of there."

Maybe this really did happen, but I can't help noticing it sounds more like a paranoiac talking - "I just felt everyone was turning at me."

Maybe Cowell was muttering "oh, no, another song! I really hope people don't expect me to give an OPINION! Like I do on television" loudly through the film, which would explain why people kept turning to stare at him and certainly fit with someone telling this story four years later.

But even if it is true, why would that stop you from going to the cinema? Couldn't you just choose movies that don't feature crappy songwriting? Is he afraid that the crowd at Dolphin Tale would be constantly nudging him and asking for an opinion on the feasibility of a prosthetic tail.

More from the X Factor-Movies axis as Gordon types up the minutes from Noel Gallagher's appearance on Christian O'Connell's Absolute breakfast show:

Noel Gallagher has spotted some similarities between Gary Barlow's judging style and Ernst Stavro Blofeld — one of 007's most famous adversaries.

He said: "Gary's sitting sideways a lot. Just like some James Bond baddie, isn't he? Where he kind of swivels round, 'Ah, yes, you're just not good enough'.

"Gary's all right, I've met him a few times, he's a good lad."

Yes, Noel Gallagher now has so little to say he's reduced to chatting about the X Factor. It's lucky for Christian; if he'd booked Noel a couple of weeks ago he'd have had three hours about how it unseasonably warm it is and what Noel's gardener had reported about effects on the fruit bushes.