InStyle: First with the news

Monthly magazine journalism. You write stuff up ages before it makes it to the stores, and just hope events don't wind up making you look foolish in the meantime.

Still, InStyle, a big cover given over to how brilliant Heidi Klum and Seal's relationship is won't blow up in your face, will it?

Seal: When life gives you lemons, you can sell those lemons

It's obviously a difficult time for Seal and Heidi Klum, having recently announced their divorce. Let's just give them some space.

Space for Klum to come to terms with her changed life. Space for the children to be left alone during this upsetting time.

And, apparently, space for Seal to run around yelling 'hey, if I knew that divorce would suddenly make me a hot ticket, I'd have done it years ago'.

In one of the many, many post-divorce appearances Seal has made, he stared into the eyes of PBS' Tavis Smiley and said:

What one has to do in this situation is remain civil and to retain one's dignity and to be professional.

Nothing says dignity like booking a car to drive you round the daytime chatshows, waving your decree absolute like a backstage pass.

... and to understand that we are not the only people on this planet that go through this.

Yes, you know what Seal? You're not the only people to go through this. So why do you think your divorce is worth giving the sort of publicity you would have once given to an album launch?

Gordon in the morning: Breaking the Seal

The news that Seal is to divorce from Heidi Klum is like journalistic viagra to Gordon this morning. Why? Because it allows him to wheel out the tabloid's favourite old trope:

[Other divorcing celebs] may have valid reasons but neither can compete with a national rivalry that's sparked two world wars and two semi-final defeats on penalties.

Seal said: "We certainly have differences of opinion. I mean, she's German and I'm English, so if I said we didn't have differences of opinion, no one would believe that."

I suppose the grinding out of world wars and football is relatively restrained; if Piers Morgan was still in charge of the Bizarre telephones, it'd doubtless be photoshopped pointy helmets and 'for you Fritz, ze marriage is over'.

Seal appears to have been trying to signal the end of the affair during an interview last year, which Gordon reprints for a spot of hindsight:

He said: "One of the things that we disagree over is Christmas, she opens presents on the December 24.

"I just don't see the logic in it, it's Christmas, ie, Jesus Christ? And last time I checked, Christ was born on 25 December. But you know what, pick your battles. That's one I don't bother with."

When Seal last checked Christ's date of birth - he did it online, because the opening hours at Bethlehem Registry Office are really poor - the certificate clearly stated "December 25th 0BC". Which proves that you have to open presents on that day.

It's reported Seal spent Christmas Eve last year refusing to let people in to Midnight Mass, on the grounds that it started the day before Jesus was born. "You're WRONG" he screamed. "Wrong, wrong, wrong." Before breaking into huge sobs.

Sharp observers might note that Seal "doesn't bother" with the Christmas thing, besides telling everyone else about it.

Also going their separate ways: Jai McDowall and Simon Cowell.

Jai McDowall. Of course you remember.

Actually, no, I didn't, either. Apparently he won Britain's Got Talent last year. His first album as part of his prize came out last month. Cowell has already checked his watch, though:

Cowell admitted: "I was disappointed with Jai. He wasn't what I was looking for.

"You want a Diversity or Susan Boyle, someone who is a genuine star. He is talented but the show can do better. None of the finalists were up to scratch."

Cowell blamed 2011 judges David Hasselhoff, Michael McIntyre and Amanda Holden and "possibly" show producers too.

Obviously, the guy had the charisma and talent of one of those small bags of salt you used to get in a packet of crisps, albeit without the versatility. But fair's fair, Cowell: if you make people jump through your hoops, then you should at least give them a fair crack of the whip. You've created a monster; it's your poop to own.

Seal values family ahead of cash, says Seal

Seal is happy to make sacrifices for his family, but does want you to know that's the reason he isn't working and nothing to do with lack of demand:

"It's successful only because we make it successful. It's not rocket science, it really isn't. It's work but it's fun. It's only hard work when you allow it to be so. You've just got to prioritise, that's all.

"Both of us have turned down huge money-making opportunities because family is more important. You have to do that as you only get one crack at this."

It's true. Heidi Klum has said no to various lucrative modelling and presenting assignments, while Seal has told Reg that he won't drive double shifts at the weekend, not even the airport runs.

Crime scene Seal

Why does Seal live in LA? Is it because Heidi Klum, the main breadwinner in his partnership, works there? Or is there another reason?

Apparently, it's because LA is safer:

"L.A. is no more dangerous than London - in fact, you could say it's less so."

Could you, Seal?

The LA murder rate is 12.4 people per 100,000 of the population [FBI Crime rates, 2006]; in London, it's 2.09 [Based on 155 murders in the Metropolitan Police area population of 7.4 million].

To be fair, though, we imagine in you live with Heidi Klum in a secure mansion, you would find LA to be safer than, say, if you were sleeping rough in New Cross.