Monday, January 23, 2012

Gordon in the morning: Breaking the Seal

The news that Seal is to divorce from Heidi Klum is like journalistic viagra to Gordon this morning. Why? Because it allows him to wheel out the tabloid's favourite old trope:

[Other divorcing celebs] may have valid reasons but neither can compete with a national rivalry that's sparked two world wars and two semi-final defeats on penalties.

Seal said: "We certainly have differences of opinion. I mean, she's German and I'm English, so if I said we didn't have differences of opinion, no one would believe that."
I suppose the grinding out of world wars and football is relatively restrained; if Piers Morgan was still in charge of the Bizarre telephones, it'd doubtless be photoshopped pointy helmets and 'for you Fritz, ze marriage is over'.

Seal appears to have been trying to signal the end of the affair during an interview last year, which Gordon reprints for a spot of hindsight:
He said: "One of the things that we disagree over is Christmas, she opens presents on the December 24.

"I just don't see the logic in it, it's Christmas, ie, Jesus Christ? And last time I checked, Christ was born on 25 December. But you know what, pick your battles. That's one I don't bother with."
When Seal last checked Christ's date of birth - he did it online, because the opening hours at Bethlehem Registry Office are really poor - the certificate clearly stated "December 25th 0BC". Which proves that you have to open presents on that day.

It's reported Seal spent Christmas Eve last year refusing to let people in to Midnight Mass, on the grounds that it started the day before Jesus was born. "You're WRONG" he screamed. "Wrong, wrong, wrong." Before breaking into huge sobs.

Sharp observers might note that Seal "doesn't bother" with the Christmas thing, besides telling everyone else about it.

Also going their separate ways: Jai McDowall and Simon Cowell.

Jai McDowall. Of course you remember.

Actually, no, I didn't, either. Apparently he won Britain's Got Talent last year. His first album as part of his prize came out last month. Cowell has already checked his watch, though:
Cowell admitted: "I was disappointed with Jai. He wasn't what I was looking for.

"You want a Diversity or Susan Boyle, someone who is a genuine star. He is talented but the show can do better. None of the finalists were up to scratch."

Cowell blamed 2011 judges David Hasselhoff, Michael McIntyre and Amanda Holden and "possibly" show producers too.
Obviously, the guy had the charisma and talent of one of those small bags of salt you used to get in a packet of crisps, albeit without the versatility. But fair's fair, Cowell: if you make people jump through your hoops, then you should at least give them a fair crack of the whip. You've created a monster; it's your poop to own.


4 comments:

Anonymous said...

This continual knock against Jai Mcdowall appears petty and desperate. Your's included.

Unlike previous winners whose albums were released within a month of the win, Jai wasn't even signed. Simon fell all over himself to get to little darling Ronan and left Jai in the dust. Then with no promotion, no BGT/Simon support, expected Jai to make him more money months later. tsk tsk SIMON! Man-up and accept YOUR failure. Jai has fans around the world and will succeed without you!

James said...

"The news that Seal is to divorce from Heidi Klum is like journalistic viagra to Gordon this morning."

And it's the gift that keeps on giving too. Right now, Gordon's on the lookout for the first post-breakup photos of Heidi Klum in not many clothes (long-lens bikini shots, lingerie fashion shoots, peephole overalls, anything will do) so that he can run them in his generic template story that begins with the words "Newly-single Heidi Klum shows ex-hubby Seal what he's missing..."

Maybe we should run a sweepstake. I'd put a quid on the first week of February.

simon h b said...

@anonymous
This is the first time I'd ever mentioned Jai McDowall. There's no continual knock against him. He doesn't even register high enough for a continual knock. His album was so out of the range of people's attention NME had to hire a dog to review it, as only dogs could actually hear it.

Am trying to understand how you can simultaneously claim that Jai will be a success without Simon Cowell and blame his failure on lack of support from Simon Cowell.

@james
Unless the paps come back with a shot of Klum looking pensive, in which case it'll be 'heartbroken Heidi struggles...'

Robin Carmody said...

I feel sorry for Seal sometimes, like a Kenny Lynch of his generation, always dragged out by the Mail and the Murdoch rags to prove that they're not racist, really, honest. Then I hear him dragging out all the usual shit about Germans being Not Like Us and I think that's all he deserves.

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