Tom "Bloody" Jones isn't a happy man. He was fully expecting to continue his judging role on The Voice - which effectively means sitting in a chair for fifteen weeks, occasionally jerking awake to say "Bob Dylan used to deliver my Ocado order in the 60s", before slumping back into a slumber. He'd even been practising trying to watch Will I Am's "antics" without allowing his face to betray the complete depth of his contempt.
But it's not to be. The BBC have decided that Sir Tom needn't bother himself this year. His place on the panel has gone to Boy George. (The now-absent Rita Ora has been replaced by Paloma Faith, which will have the same result you'd have got if Ora had spent the summer break doing a correspondence course.)
Writing on his official Facebook and Twitter pages, Sir Tom revealed he had not chosen to leave of his own accord, accusing executives of lacking basic respect.
He said: "In good faith, as part of the team, I’d put the time in my schedule to be involved in Series 5, as I’ve done for the last 4 years. I’ve supported the show and the BBC since the beginning.
"I was told yesterday, with no consultation or conversation of any kind, that I would not be returning.
Having been through plenty of transformations throughout the years, I support and admire creative change. But being informed, as a matter of duty and respect, is an important part of creative relationships.
"This sub-standard behaviour from the executives is very disappointing.
"I will always admire the courage of the performers who participate in the show, as well as all the production staff who worked tirelessly to make a great family viewing experience for the audience at home. I wish the show well."
Someone who has been part of The Voice for four years being surprised at something sub-standard happening in the production team really does suggest Tom spent most of the time sleeping, doesn't it?
A singer with ties to Wilkes County has made it into the Top 10 finalists on NBC’s reality competition series “The Voice,” according to the Winston-Salem Journal.
Luke Wade is from Fort Worth, Texas, but spent summers during his childhood in Moravian Falls visiting family there, according to his cousin, Kelly Pipes.
Person says man off television spent an unspecified amount of time over an undocumented period of years visiting?
To think we used to enjoy a good snurkle at how quickly Fame Academy winners would fade from view - although they might never have turned their win into household name status, at least David Sneddon managed a few top ten singles as he headed for the exit. Alex Parkes even got a double platinum album out of it.
Not so the winners of The Voice.
Leanne Mitchell set the pace, winning in 2012 and following up with a number 45 single, an album which peaked at 134 and a rapid dropping from her label.
Andrea Begley did better. Winning in 2013, her debut album made it into the top 10 and, although her singles tend to peter out of steam before they make it above three digits, she did have a number 30.
But so far, no Girls Aloud. Indeed, the chart performance of Voice winners starts to make Steve Brookstein look like Elvis Presley.
Jermain Jackman, only managed to reach number 75 in the charts with his debut single, ‘And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going’, a heartfelt ballad about his refusal to break into even the Top 40.
Not only did he only manage 73, he was beaten by one of the non-winners. Sally Barker got to 46 with an Olly Murs cover. It's not great, but that makes a giant amongst the Voice alum.
With a new series of The Voice about to start - with, apparently, a bizarre cameo appearance from our old friend Showbiz With Zoe Showbiz Griffin's Zoe Showbiz Griffin - the artists are doing their warm ups.
Speaking to radio station Magic 105.4, Tom said: ''I knew Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley very well.
''I did an album of Frank Sinatra type things and Elvis listened and said, 'Tom I heard that thing' and I said ... 'Yeah and?' Elvis said, 'We leave that to Frank Sinatra, we don't go there'.''
'No, seriously, Tom, don't go there. I did a song that I did a 'scoobydoobydoo' bit in, and the next morning two of my cars were burned out and there was a bullet in my mailbox. Seriously, Tom. Leave. It. To. Frank.'
Fortunately, knowing Frank Sinatra really well as well, as Tom did, there was a balancing view:
But the 73-year-old star said Frank was complimentary about people comparing Tom to him and wanted him to step into his shoes, as long as he didn't record rock music.
Tom recalled: ''Then, when I do something a little more rocky, Frank would say: 'Tom, when I go and they [management] ask me who could replace me, I say you! So don't go making records like that!'.''
This must have been tricky for Tom. Elvis - who he knew well - saying one thing. Sinatra - who (did he mention?) he knew well - offering a different opinion.
Fortunately, Tom was able to find a third way by capturing the 'butternut squash with a face drawn on doing sex songs' market for himself.
With Jessie J having better things to do, and Danny From The Script having other things to do, there's some excitement at the question of 'who will be the judges when the third series of The Voice happens, as it surely shall, for it is foretold in the Bible'.
No, there really is some excitement. So much so that Paddy Power - the bookies that think kicking a cat is hilarious - have started offering odds on who will be spinning around.
The two incumbents who have yet to quit, Tom Jones and Will I Am, are both 3-1 on.
Beyond that, it's a mix of the plausible and the questionable. So, sure, you could see Olly Murs (10-1) turning up week-in, week-out, but the chances of Adele signing up are surely slimmer than the 12-1 odds suggest.
Likewise, you could perhaps see a world in which an 80-1 punt on Grace Jones could come off (for a couple of shows)... but the same odds on Shane McGowan?
Also: apparently Madonna is as likely to turn up on a Saturday night light entertainment show as Dannii Minogue. Srsly?
THE BBC is shelling out nearly £15,000 in licence fee cash to put up The Voice star Sir Tom Jones in London’s posh Savoy Hotel.
That's London's posh Savoy Hotel, just so you don't confuse it with the Savoy Hotels in London that aren't posh.
I suppose you could argue that Tom could have been put up in a Premier - after all, if it's good enough for Lenny Henry and all...
But even more surprising is Colin admits his opening sentence is a lie further down the article:
The show’s production company Wall To Wall is said to be handling the payments using the £11million budget handed to it by the BBC.
Ah. So, the BBC isn't actually spending anything on Tom's hotel; it's coming from Wall To Wall's margins and even if Tom slept in the street, it wouldn't make any difference at all to the sum the Corporation is paying (sorry, "handing over") for the series.
[Quick hint to Colin, by the way: Prince Alwaleed bin Talal owns the Savoy. He also owns a fairly big chunk of your newspaper's parent company.]
Remember Leanne Mitchell? She won last time round, and her album sold - well, let's not get into the specifics, but shall we go with 'fewer than a thousand copies'?
Now, there's all sorts of possible reasons for this - perhaps the way the audience for the programme fell away during the first series, and then the way it took another eleven months for an album to appear, by which time any traction had vanished.
But Danny thinks it's Leanne's fault:
Leanne was mentored on The Voice by judge TOM JONES, but now Danny has blamed her for her chart flop.
The Irishman said: “That’s not my fault, that’s not the show’s fault, that’s not the BBC’s fault, that’s just her fault. You can take an artist like that and question their work ethic.
“I was told by Tom Jones, and by the label as well, that Leanne just did not want to work as hard as you have to work to be a pop star."
To be fair, Danny, your mentoree Bo Bruce has hardly set the world alight; an album that briefly nudged into the Top 10 and then plummeted to earth, and a number 93 single.
Danny hasn't finished:
“She wanted to come on a show and win a singing contest.
“That’s good for her, because she won the show.
“But it’s not good for the premise of the show.”
But... isn't the premise of the show that it's a singing contest?
Sir Tom Jones, will.i.am, Jessie J and Danny O'Donoghue search for The Voice UK, an incredible singing talent chosen purely on the quality of their voice.
The Voice UK is a vocal contest series featuring people with real talent and great voices. Only the very best singers make it through to the televised auditions and get the chance to perform in front of four celebrity coaches. Praised by viewers and critics alike, it’s become one of the most successful new television shows around the world.
So everyone involved pitches the show as being about finding the person who's best at singing. Nowhere does the "premise of the show" claim it's about trying to find a pop star, or the hardest-working person in showbiz.
That's Danny, then, criticising a person who entered and won a singing contest for not behaving like she'd won a totally different competition. Curious.
So on Tuesday night, on the American version of The Voice, Adam Levine was puzzled by the ridiculous choices made by the phone vote.
"I hate this country" he joshed, in an eye-rolling way. You know, like the way you might tell someone you love that you hate them if they eat the last Quorn cocktail sausage, or they score a day off you don't get. "I hate you" you say, but you don't mean it.
I was watching “The Voice” last night, NBC’s singing competition and I could not believe the words coming out of my flat screen television.
Todd, you'll note, just slips in that he has a flat screen television. He's no hick, with a big old clunky cathode ray tube. That's because he's a success. In America, when you're a success, your TV gets flat. If you don't like that, get the hell out of America.
It happened near the end of the two-hour episode just after country music crooner Amber Carrington had been saved from elimination by television viewers.
Coach Adam Levine was upset because two of his singers were in the bottom three – and that’s when he muttered something under his breath.
“I hate this country,” he said – apparently unaware his microphone was hot.
“I hate this country.”
To be fair to Todd Starnes, it must have been tricky for him watching the Mainstream Media for two hours; obviously something was going to have to give.
Of course, under those circumstances, Levine setting fire to the flag, pissing on a soldier, and then actually suggesting that apple pie and motherhood were over-rated was going to set Todd off.
And given that none of that happened, Todd had to cling to what he could get.
So, Levine, apparently unaware that his audience were nuts, said something that could possibly be wilfully misinterpreted as being anti-patriotic. But you'd need a prism for that to work.
Have you got a prism, Todd?
Levine, the Maroon 5 frontman, is a passionate supporter of President Obama.
During the 2012 presidential election he warned the nation in a tweet: “Dear America, if you don’t re-elect @barackobama, I’m gonna lose my sh*t.”
And after Obama won re-election, Levine tweeted: “That’s what happens when you f*ck with Sesame Street.”
Ah, he supported Obama last year. So, obviously, prone to being anti-American sharing that support with just half of all Americans who could be arsed to go out and vote. That's practically communism.
But, Todd, you've surely seen Adam trying to explain patiently that it was the sort of humorous remark that people say all the time?
As you might imagine the “country” didn’t take kindly to Levine’s nationally televised hissy fit. So Levine decided to use Twitter to clarify his remarks.
He was all a big joke, he explained. Oh yeah – it was a real chuckle fest.
You know that not always everything that's said in jest is going to be a guffaw party, don't you, Todd? Like when Fox claims it's fair and balanced, that sort of joke isn't one that people laugh their heads off at, right?
Talking of The Sun, here's an interesting little bit from the related items column on the right of the showbiz pages:
Ooh, that BBC - spending twenty two million quid on a series despite people not watching it.
In a post which manages to be both short and rambling, May kicks The Voice about a bit because, er, apparently listening to somebody's performance "isn't what music is about":
It brings singing down to the level of a stupid obstacle course on 'It's A Knockout'. This is not – NOT – what music is about.
When we sing, or play, for real, we are NOT screaming at the top of our lungs trying to persuade someone to notice us.
Yes, you'd never get Brian May involved in a show which encouraged people to scream in a bid to get themselves noticed.
Except, of course, for his repeated guest slots on American Idol and Australia's Got Talent. But that would be totally different, wouldn't it?
AFTER coming second on The Voice last year you’d think Bo Bruce would have the world at her feet.
Really, Andy? Given that the person who won The Voice last year vanished like a metal hippo in quicksand, why would anyone think that the runner-up would have had a high profile?
Anyway, Bo is back now, with an album that adds One Of Snow Patrol to the already-powerful prospect of songs by Danny Out The One On The Voice That People Say 'Is He In A Band, Then' About.
But, oh, Bo tells Andy that she wants to shake things up:
What would your dream collaboration be?
Something really out there. I’d really like to do a Chase & Status thing, or Plan B.
Something that’s so far away from what people expect would be really interesting.
Without wanting to be too harsh, I don't think there's any person wandering round with a section of their brain in which they list likely collaborators for Bo Bruce.
In fact, this would be the likely conversation if you tried to do a poll:
- Hi, could I ask who you think the most likely person for Bo Bruce to work with would be?
- Fiona Bruce?
- No, Bo Bruce.
- I don't know who that is. Who is he?
- She. She's a woman.
- How would I know who she'd work with?
- Here's a clue: she took part in a popular reality TV show.
- [Pause] Oh! It's Viglen isn't it?
Oddly, it seems Spotify have chosen an expensive, lush, produced advert, which compares strangely with the bursty, shouty adverts they host on their own service. Almost like they don't really think that approach would be very effective.
The advert is going to be flung onto The Voice, prime-time on NBC. So not really being targeted at anyone who cares about music.
Jessie J is desperately trying to arrange a tour so she has an excuse when the BBC pop round with an invite, while Tom Jones is apparently unable to think of any more anecdotes mentioning Elvis, so really can't see the point.
"I did think I had a tale left about meeting Marvin Gaye" explained Tom, "but then I remembered that I'd used it on the second programme. And, to be frank, the sort of new anecdote I was minting on this show - 'I once had a Nespresso with Danny out the Script' - weren't helping."
Will I Am will almost certainly come back, providing he's allowed to bounce up and down. Mr Am added: "And to go on a train. I wanna go on a train. And have ice cream. Oh - look, there's a pony."
Danny from The Script isn't yet sure he'll be coming back. A friend said "he realises last time he was lucky nobody realised he was only there to drop off a parcel; he doesn't reckon he'd be that jammy twice."
Here's some fun: the ill-fated deal to funnel off the acts from the UK version of The Voice to Universal hasn't just lumbered the label with a barn full of unsaleable singers; it's a mighty spoke in the deal to bring Universal and EMI together, too. MediaGuardian explains:
The European commission document is understood to have raised the spectre of "over exposure" that the enlarged Universal Music will get across all manner of media platforms and markets. If combined, the two companies would distribute 41% of music sold worldwide.
A particular concern of the commission's is the share of airtime Universal artists would get on radio and key TV shows – it is understood that the Universal-dominated BBC talent show The Voice is raised as an example – where three of the four judges, will.i.am, Jessie J and Tom Jones, are signed up to labels owned by the company.
Obviously, there are plenty of other examples of how one company dominating the music industry is bad for everyone (effectively, the way they sing with the one note of the RIAA-IFPI cartel proves how rotten that is), but how amusing if the attempt to hammer a super-major falls down in part because of The Voice.
Executives haunted for all time, when they close their eyes, by a vision of Jessie J spinning round on a chair yelling "this is how Team Jessie does it" over and over and over.
Eight of the finalists from the series had been booked to appear on the tour; this may well have wound up with more people on stage than in the audience.
6.50
Welcome to the annual (mostly) No Rock And Roll Fun Eurovision Song Contest liveblog. It's like Politics Live With Andrew Sparrow, only without the insight. Or the politics.
Or, actually, this year it's with the politics. The idea of holding the Eurovision in Baku - a contest about communication and fabulousness in a nation built for repression and hate - is just wrong. It's too hostile an environment, like dragging the Winter Olympics to Dubai.
Although it's surely only a matter of time before they do the Winter Olympics in Dubai.
Admittedly, the Song Contest could be said to have helped put world attention on the Ilham Aliyev regime; unfortunately, the Azerbaijani state is just taking the opportunity to show off its repressive skills. Just last night the secret police were beating the crap out of protestors from all nations.
The Eurovision Song Contest is a guilty pleasure for millions across Europe. But this year the competition has a dark side – it’s being hosted by Azerbaijan, a country whose people face violence, prison and persecution for exercising their right to free speech. On 18 April, Idrak Abbasov, an investigative reporter who won the Guardian/Index Award, was beaten unconscious by private security guards while the police looked on.
Other journalists have been attacked, abducted and tortured. In November 2011, writer Rafiq Tagi was attacked outside his home and later died. No one has been brought to justice for his murder. In fact, in the last seven years, there have been no arrests or prosecutions related to violence against journalists.
But it’s not just journalists – musicians, gay rights campaigners and political activists are also under attack.
It would be great if everyone who watches and votes this year could sign.
So why not nip across and sign now? You've got a few minutes before it starts, and the Jedward jokes can wait for a minute or two.
Done? Thank you.
7.05
The Voice is churning through its semi-final. They haven't yet realised that they need to bring back the revolving chairs - maybe we could all vote for artists by texting their number, and the more we vote, the faster the chairs revolve. The last judge who is able to stay in their chair without throwing up gets to put a crown on their artist's head. (This is a slight variance from the US format, admittedly.)
Meanwhile, Charlie Brooker has rendered all tonight's tweeting and blogging redundant:
1: "Fuck me,looks like a range of wipe-clean vinyl Desperate Scousewives figurines animated by Jan Svankmajer" #genericEuroVisionTweet
7.10
Becky's about to do her bit on The Voice. Is it just me, or does she look like someone who should be in Albert Square being asked by Dot "where did the baby come from, Becky?" Mind you, she's a better performer than that bloke who looks like what you'd get as a remainder if you divided Billy Idol by Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
Sorry, this isn't meant to be a Voice semis liveblog.
7.15
Although it does occur to me that BBC1 has got a ninety minute programme where contestants are supposed to be judged solely on the quality of their voice, followed by a three-hour show where contestants are weighed entirely on the song they sing. They could have folded them together and we could all have been in bed by half ten.
"You know what?" says Jessie J, "there's six million people watching this programme..."
The football's started on the other side, Jessie. Maybe four million, if you're lucky?
7.25
The BBC has been doing its bit to try and get the nation behind Engelbert, with a Get Behind The Hump campaign. There's also cut-out-and-stick-on-sideburns. Perhaps more usefully, they've got scorecards and, erm, cake recipes.
Me, I'm especially looking forward to Italy's entry, which is called Love Is Female, a thesis I can't wait to have explained to me.
By the way, I've not seen the semi finals - as @brokentv said earlier in the week, it's like having a bag of crisps before you have your tea. It takes the edge off the experience. Nor have I spent any time rehearsing spelling Engelbert Humperdinck's name, so apologies in advance for that.
7.35
Just seen the latest odds...
Odds on Eurovision: Sweden 43/20 Russia 13/2, Serbia 10/1, Italy 13/1, Romania & Ireland 26/1, Cyprus 29/1, UK & Spain 31/1, Denmark 36/1.
So the UK is being judged as having as good a chance of winning as the contestant who claimed she'd been told to throw the competition. I hope they weren't keeping Saturdays free for next May at the O2.
7.40
Just realised that The Voice are actually sticking to Cheryl Cole's attempt to rebrand herself as Cheryl. I suppose if she managed to shake off beating up that toilet attendant, she must think she can pull off losing the surname.
Oh, dear: Ms Cole appears to have come dressed as Jeannie from I Dream Of... - apparently she's been fuming out the back "Holly Willougby told me it was a sitcom fancy dress night. She swore she was coming as Laverne, and Reggie was going to be Shirley..."
"Thank you for choosing to debut that here" says Holly, as if Cole was doing it as a favour to them and not to in the hope of squeezing a 'Cheryl snubs Cowell by going with rival show' story out of The Sun.
7.45
Will I Am is waving his Olympic torch around.
Meanwhile, Paloma Faith is setting free the balls for the rollover jackpot. If this blog ends here, I've won.
7.55
Bugger. Oh well, back to plan A, then, and Eurovision.
8.00
Continuity: "the greatest show on earth, with lots of sparkle and flashing images." I'll bet the flashing images are the only ones you can guarantee.
Will Graham Norton mention Baku's human rights record? No, of course not, but he does reveal that they're four hours ahead of us. No wonder Hump's going on first, they must be worried that he won't make much further through.
We're getting some traditional Azerbaijani music - a small shepherd boy, whose space on the stage is liquidated as a group of identically-dressed dancers with mysterious hats take over.
Judging by these dancers, they've just got Tron in Baku. The first one, not the disappointing sequel.
Ooh, and now some Singapore Airlines air hostesses dance in front of massive, rotating Doritos.
Really? You travel thousands of miles to Baku, and you still get a sodding drum circle crashing your party.
There's some excellent moustache work amongst the male dancers.
8.05
Last year's winner now. To be honest, even as I'm hearing it, I don't remember ever having heard this song before in my life. Although it sounds like every mobile phone advert for the last three years.
8.07
The two prettiest women in Azerbaijan are sharing Katie Boyle duties these days. One of them has a hairstyle based on the tower outside the London 2012 venue.
They're proud that there are more contestants than there have been for years. It's like being delighted you're going to be punched in the face more than at any point in the century to date.
We're being treated to a timelapse film of the stadium being built, which is incredibly interesting.
Norton mentions "stories of riots and arrests" but "I have seen no trouble". So that's alright then - no secret police hanging around the minibar or the green room. Phew, eh?
8.10
The presenters are doing a "Ted can't hear you, Hi-De-Hi" bit of business. The two prettiest women in Azerbaijan have been joined on stage with a man who can only be the nephew of the president, grinning like a Rick Astley impersonator at Pete Waterman's house.
Engelbert Humperdinck - Love Will Set You Free
We're ushered on with a short film about museums.
Hump is all in black, like Johnny Cash or a man who's hoping to slink away once he's finished without anyone noticing. He seems to be doing a silly voice.
He seems to be on the point of going "rumpty-pumpty-poo", like a man trying to sound like he was once Engelbert.
"Love comes once if you're lucky enough" warns Engelbert. And the same is true of the number of times the Eurovision finals will ever go to Birmingham.
A good performance, but... even with catherine wheels in the background, it doesn't feel like a winner.
8.15 Compact Disco - Sound Of Our Hearts - Hungary
What the hell are those suits made of? Melted down lead stolen from orphanage roofs? Death appears to be playing one of set of keyboards.
Norton introduced this as a power ballad, but... it's somewhat underpowered.
They're projecting the Panorama logo on the back wall during this, which is cheeky, given what Panorama said about Azerbaijan...
8.17 Rona Nishliu - Suus - Albania
The pre-performance video was of polo players. Rona has got a rather elaborate hair do - it's like dreadlocks piled up to form a precariously-balanced basketball up there, but it has a snake of dreadlock curling down to nuzzle her own PVC-clad breast.
Clearly, most of the work here has gone into the hair, as the song sounds like someone's just tried to translate Jacques Brel into Albanian. Which Rona then screeches out over a tinkling piano.
At this point, the UK must surely still be in the lead.
8.23 Donny Montell - Love Is Blind - Lithuania
Goodness, the smaller countries are getting a go tonight, aren't they?
"When the day becomes the night, you know that I think of you" sings Donny. Donny is wearing a blindfold, as in his nation failure to win Eurovision results in a quick trip to the firing squad and, being intimate with his plodding song, Donny is a realist. He's already had his final meal, too.
Hang on - the drumbeat has kicked in, and he's pulled off his blindfold. He looks like a young John Barrowman.
8.26
I said John Barrowman before Graham Norton did.
Mayasar - Korake ti znam - Bosnia
Bosnia have gone with blonde woman sitting at a piano singing a song about, at a guess, lost love. She has thirty seconds to push her stool back and pick the pace up, or she's going to struggle to make the top half of the board.
8.28
I have to tell you have I received no such funking up of the song.
She's now stood up, but has actually managed to make the song feel even more pedestrian than when she was sitting down.
Thought it was Rick Wakeman, till I saw there was no cape. #eurovision
8.30 Buranovskiye Babushki - Party For Everybody - Russia
The famous Russian "grannies" as, apparently, we're meant to call them because they're older than some of the other contestants. They've taken their traditional dress to the extent of wearing headpiece microphones that appear to date from the time Laika went into space.
It's actually the first sign of life on the stage the whole evening. Plus, they've got some baking going on there, too, which is good. It's a dreadful song, sure, but it feels like something that might sound alright if you were as drunk as Wogan would have been by now.
8.33
They remembered to get the baking out the oven. I think we have wives for The Hairy Bikers.
Gréta Salóme & Jónsi - Never Forget - Iceland
Remember when Iceland were the economic pariahs of Europe? Now they seem like the Micawbers of the north.
Disappointingly, it's not Jonsi. He looks like he could be cast as the young Giles if they ever get round to making a Watcher series.
They've brought a fiddle but, really, we're now demanding baking from contestants before we'll be interested.
8.38 Ivi Adamou - La La Love - Cyprus
The most Eurovisiony song title of the night so far. Graham promises us this will be "infectious".
It's the first song that sounds as if it's been written by someone familiar with music released this century, to be fair to it. The lyrics, on the other hand, could have been knocked together by a street vendor in the 1840s.
And a stage of books is no oven full of pies.
Cyprus going the 'classic Eurovision' route. I've heard worse Rihanna singles, to be honest. #eurovision
8.41 Anggun - Echo You And I - France
The intro video is showing off Azerbaijan's finest cusine, which isn't making me hungry. Anggun is apparently the world's most successful francophone artist, which doesn't explain why the song starts as if it was being played on a tape recorder with dodgy batteries.
The chorus sounds like a rip-off of Garbage's Breaking Up The Girl.
Half-naked men do some half-arsed gymnastics to fill the stage.
Inevitably, they lift her off the floor. It fails to lift the song.
8.45
At last - Italy. Let us find out why love is female.
Nina Zilli - L'amore è femmina (Out of Love) - Italy
They appear to have got hold of some Amy Winehouse DNA and done something clever in the lab.
This year is all about the metallic dresses. Perhaps made from melted-down Euro coins?
It's not a bad song; still no clearer about the reasons for love being assigned a gender. It sounds like it's desperate to break into Big Spender by La Bassey if it's not watched closely.
8.50
Brighton! Stop watching eurovison! There's a free festival event in about an hour at black rock. Giant man made of shipping containers!
Ott Lepland - Kuula - Estonia
Ott has the look of one those blokes who they write into Emmerdale to be a hunky love interest until they realise their acting skills are incapable of carrying even the smallest scene in t'Woolpack, and so they wind up being dispatched in a quickly-resolved murder mystery.
His song is so dull, even Gary Barlow is embarrassed for him, and he made that Jubilee thing.
Seriously, Ott, a song like this has never won Eurovision. A song like this would struggle to get played on a broken jukebox.
8.55 Tooji - Strong - Norway
Ah, the bad boy hoodie-wearer now.
Imagine, if you will, every song on the Hit Man And Her ever mixed together into one, and then a mere hint of some Eastern European traditional tunes washed over it. That's what we've got here. Along with that 'hands either side of the head moving your head about' move that Kylie did about ten years ago. Derivative, but of so many things you might just about be able to patent it.
8.57
It sounds like we've got to the commercial break bit. "How are you doing?" asks one of the prettiest women in Azerbaijan. "What?" he asks, before gathering himself to a lovely answer about how great music is and everything.
Oh, and we're back.
Sabina Babayeva - When The Music Dies - Azerbaijan
When the music dies, in Azerbaijan, everyone looks the other way and pretends they didn't hear any strange noises in the night.
Ooh, that's a lovely dress, though.
This is going down very well in Baku, what with it being the local team. Possibly helped by Azerbaijan being one of the few competing countries to have enough money to host the event again.
Did they not realise projecting red and purple blotches onto the crotch of a woman in a white dress might create the wrong impression in the viewer?
Hmm. I don't think that song sounds like a second-in-a-row winner.
9.05 Mandinga - Zaleilah - Romania
A Cuban-Romanian act singing a song in Spanish and English.
With bagpipes.
I'm playing my bagpipe veto card here.
I suspect Elena has looked at the white-clad, drum-thumping, piping men who share the stage with her and thought "if I could have kept them out of sight, I might have been in with a chance; instead, it's like Max Headroom's nephews have made a Pepsi commercial."
If you close your eyes, though, it's a pretty good Eurovision tune.
9.08 Soluna Samay - Should Have Known Better - Denmark
Not, obviously, the Jim Diamond song.
Soluna has brought the first sighting of a admiral's cap to a music stage since LaToya Jackson; she also has backing singer who seems to need a comfy chair in order to perform. This could be a winner, but it would mean we'd have to watch the drummer pretending to play the drums really, really badly all over again.
"You make me want your aphrodisiac"? What does that actually mean? That you're attracted enough to someone to want to take a substance that will make you attracted to them? Have you even thought these lyrics through?
The designers at All Saints are frantically sketching those tshirts in time for the summer rush. #eurovision
Yeah, as Europop goes, this is fine. You might never want to hear it outside of a Saturday night in May, but it works alright here.
Loreen - Euphoria - Sweden
Apparently already been number one absolutely everywhere, hence its status as a favourite to win tonight. Isn't Loreen a type of marge?
She's brought a wind machine with her; a bit impractical with that Laura Ashley frock. No wonder she's running her nipples. They must be hard as mint imperials in that gale.
Can Bonomo - love Me Back - Turkey
I come back from feeding the cats to discover a sixth form college from Istanbul are putting on a low-budget version of cabaret.
9.25 Pastora Soler - Quédate conmigo - Spain
Remember, she claims she was misquoted when she said she'd been instructed to not achieve an Excehquer-punishing victory. Which means we're now seeing a woman trying to throw a contest while not looking like she's throwing it.
Frankly, given that she's bellowing a song that sounds like a pissy rainstorm in the Pyrenees, I don't think anyone in Spain needs to worry about having to book hotel rooms next years.
Spanish lady appears to be about to come over all unnecessary. #Eurovision
Did Graham Norton say this was written by Jamie Cullum? Oh god, he did.
That tells you all you need to know about the song, so instead let's focus on the name. Roman Lob? That sounds like something that happens to men when they're not actually unable to walk, but are still worried that a half-glance at their crotches might give it away.
The way Roman sings "standing still" he manages to make it sound like "I'm scared of flu", which is quite a feat.
Oh, god, this sounds like the sort of song which exists purely so the instrumental break can be used in a Galaxy chocolate advert.
9.33 Kurt Calleja - This Is The Night - Malta
Malta often threaten to almost win Eurovision, but never do. Will tonight be their - heh - night?
Oh god. No.
@dillpickle has just asked "is that a handbrace or is it meant to be a nattyglove?"
Oh, god. No. His band look like they've been drawn by late-period Hanna-Barbera.
This song is so bad one of our cats just battered the bottom of the door as if he was trying to desperately put a cat flap in.
9.37 Kaliopi - Crno i belo - Macedonia
That's Jo Frost, Supernanny, isn't it? Perhaps she's been drafted in to calm down Jedward.
This is like participating in a nationwide sarcasm calibration test. #Eurovision
The band are doing Bond-style violin-thrashing. Whatever happened to Bond? Did even Classic FM tire of them in the end?
The drummer is wearing a hat and chewing gum, like he's really only doing the percussion while he's waiting to whisk the kit off down the market.
9.40 Jedward - Waterline - Ireland
This joke is now worn so thin, if it was trousers you'd be arrested for wearing them in public.
Seriously, it's like if we entered The Chuckle Brothers every sodding year.
This is perhaps the best Jedward song yet; you could even imagine it being alright if it was done by a decent band. Bananarama could probably even make a top twenty hit out of it. But why would they want to?
9.45
Strange keystroke combination alert! Željko Joksimović - Није љубав ствар - Serbia
Love is not an object, apparently. Equally useful to note that peanuts are not nuts, bananas are not fruit and whales are not fish.
Kenny G is sneaking up behind Zeljko. Watch out, Zeljko!
Oh, it's okay this time, a woman with a violin has spotted him, so Kenny is just pretending he never meant any harm, just blending in. But thinking "you win this time, Zeljko... this time."
9.50
Oh hang on, was there a song there?
Gaitana - Be My Guest - Ukraine
Some of the most discordant piping we've heard all evening. The dancing shapes projected onto the backdrops are, disconcertingly, slightly more well-endowed than strict anatomical correctness would demand.
Gaitana has a very wide mouth. I don't mean that in a rude way, just as a genuine observation. It's a full-on Zippy. Without the zip, obviously.
9.55 Pasha Parfeny - Lautar - Moldova
Thank god, the last one. Lautar? I hope people understand the health risks from Lau Tar cigarettes are just as serious as from other types.
Apparently Pasha was gutting fish before coming on stage and didn't have a chance to change, which would explain why his backing dances are tricked-out like mermaids.
The music appears to be stolen from the soundtrack of a children's sitcom.
10.00
Okay, so we've only got to make it through the voting and then it's all over for another year. We can do that, surely?
So, I think I'm going to throw my weight behind... Greece. And then Russia.
Remember, everyone: in the UK, we can't vote for the UK; elsewhere in Europe, you won't want to.
Good to see that am-dram is alive and well in Moldova. Singer is dressed as Gepetto... #eurovision
10.03
They've done the recap of all the songs. They merged into one sort of mushy-music mess, which means it was exactly the same as the previous two hours, only this time like a suspended sentence.
#eurovision my god, what was that Albanian woman screaming about -tell me that wasn't the song?
Back in Baku, the pies are still on a plate in front of the Russian women. All that work to bake them, and nobody's even nibbled one. Bet they didn't wash their hands first, eh? I can picture Engelbert awkwardly trying to turn them down when offered - "sorry... uh... this suit would show the crumbs... I'm sure they're delicious..."
10.10
Oh god, they're showing the quick reminder of all the songs all over again. Is it like this when you die? Does your life keep flashing in front of your eyes? Especially the premature ejaculations?
10.11
You know who I miss? Ruslana. Can't we have Ruslana back again?
Perhaps in the way you have to measure yourself up to a cardboard cutout of a giraffe to ensure you're tall enough to ride a rollercoaster, there should be a cutout of Ruslana with the words 'You must be this good to compete' at the entrance to the Eurovision hall.
I'm not sure this would measure up, even if it was the Eurovisiony high water mark tonight:
10.15
We're not getting the musical entertainment while they count the votes (I'm not convinced it takes this long to do a sum on Excel); there's some torches, which surely means London 2012 LOCOG are going to be running down with cease-and-desist notices.
Norton is starting to get a bit more outspoken about how the president and his chums seem to have got a more than fair crack of the whip tonight. I hope he has a taxi already waiting for him by the exit. They don't like criticism in Azerbaijan.
10.20
Apparently this chap is, like, the Olly Murs of Azerbaijan. He's trying to win over the whole of Europe by singing something like a watered-down Tatu track.
Good to see Dane Bowers is still getting work. #eurovision
10.25
In the green room, the prettiest woman in Azerbaijan is talking to Denmark's admiral cap, reminding her she used to sing on the street. She says it as if it's not even a step up from working the streets.
10.30
Voting is over. We move to the results stage. Brandy. Please send brandy.
Albania first, with their suit sleeves pushed up. Their 12 goes to Greece. Nothing for the UK.
Montenegro have spent all their money on a nice necklace for their presenter. Their 12 is for Serbia.
Did Romania just congratulate the hosts on a fabulous stoat? It's been a long night. 12 for Moldavia. UK still on zero.
10.33
Austria have turned up to give their scores looking like Jennifer Aniston doing a Celine Dion impression. 12 to Sweden.
Ukraine's presenter has got scribbled hair. 12 to Azerbaijan.
At this stage, Sweden is out in front. There's a load of countries with nothing, though.
Belarus give a point to Jedward. They're a cruel nation, Belarus. Their presenter is wearing an undershirt, for some reason. 12 to Russia. Engelbert being gently humiliated.
Belguim finally give a point to Hump, but that makes it worse. 12 to Sweden.
10.35
"Baku calling" - you're in Baku, isn't all of this Baku calling? 12 to Turkey,
The Maltese presenter flirts with the prettiest woman in Azerbaijan. Surely they won't miss out giving points to the UK? Nope. Azerbaijan get their 12. That's serious flirting, that is.
San Marino takes her time getting to the point, with her mad staring eyes. 12 for Albania. Again, bugger all for Hump. He used to be someone, you know.
10.40
Julian Rind-Tuit is giving the results for France. Sweden get 12; I think they're edging into a difficult lead.
Scott Mills mentions we've got the Olympics. Jesus, man, no need to make us seem so fucking needy. Our 12 goes to Sweden.
10.41
I didn't catch who this shouting old man is. Oh, he's from Turkey.
Thanks to 10 from the UK, Jedward are on 16. Humperdinck is desperately fielding calls from UK theatres who are trying to renegotiate contracts downwards.
Turkey's 12 goes to Azerbaijan.
Greece. Stop staring. Stop staring. Cyprus get the 12.
Engelbert is in a foetal position, muttering "it's not me, it's Cameron they hate. It's Cameron. It's not me."
10.43
The Bosnian presenter has taken time out to follow his dream of becoming an artist. 12 to Macedonia.
Moldova is tossing her marks around; 12 to Romania.
Hump is yelling at his agent "how can Butlins have gone cold? How can BUTLINS have gone cold?"
The Bulgarian 12 votes have gone to Serbia.
Switzerland's presenter is wearing the 43rd red dress of the results round; 12 to Albania. Sweden now on 140, and I suspect the orchestra are busily preparing to do Euporia again.
Slovenia's 12 to Serbia.
10.48
Twinkly old Cypriot presenter brought to you by Grecian 2000. 12 to Greece, just to allow people to do the "oh, they always do that" bit. Everyone would hate it if they couldn't tut.
Croatia give three to Jedward, which means they've scored 18 more than Engelbert so far. 12 to Serbia.
Humperdinck now constantly sending calls from Tom Jones to voicemail.
10.50
As advertising-supported broadcasters gasp for revenue, we're shown the top three and get a little interview with Sweden's Loreen.
Slovakia - again, a red dress. Is Special K guerilla marketing? Their 12 goes to Sweden.
Macedonia have gone for something distinctive - a polka dot dress and a massive corsage. Tat is a massive, massive corsage. 12 to Albania.
10.55
"Have you ever thought of Celebrity Big Brother?" whisper Jedward in Engelbert's ear.
Netherlands send 12 to Sweden.
Portugal next, bringing a severe hairstyle with them. Sweden have now hit 200 and I suspect will not be beaten, but we've still got 17 nations to get through. Portugal give 12 to Spain.
10.57
Iceland give points to Ireland, and Graham exclaims in delight, before remembering that he's not meant to be supporting them. Engelbert ends up on the bottom.
Janet Street Porter is giving Sweden's marks. 12 to Cyprus.
Norway's presenter has Dennis The Menace hair, and twelve points for Sweden. The UK are still on one point.
Engelbert is already back in his room, rummaging about in the minibar.
11.00
Aaaand we're running late. Lithuania have sent an estate agent to give 12 to Azerbaijan.
Estonia seem to be phoning it in, but give five whole points to the UK. "I'm so please for Engelbert, it would have been terrible for him to just have one point" says Graham, as if six is an achievement. 12 to Sweden.
Copenhagen calling, in a natty cardigan. 12, again, to Sweden.
11.05
Latvia give 2 to Engelbert - the Baltic states love the man in black. 12 to Sweden.
"Engel, Engel, don't worry - I can see you doing a tour of the East - Latvia, Lithuania, the other one... Eastontonia or whatever. What? Yeah, I'm sure they've got money. Enough to book you anyway. Engel... Engel? You still there?"
Spain give 12 to Sweden.
Lordi has popped up to do the Finnish votes, like the ghost of Eurovision past. He's rather milking his part, to be honest. The host has that half-laugh in her voice which says 'please just hurry the fuck up'
11.06
We have Scott Mills. Finland has Lordi. We even lose the voting. 12 to Sweden.
Georgia - and, by lord, we're deep into the votes from the Pointless answers by now - 12 to Lithuania, but their votes have taken Sweden over 300.
Italy are giving their twelve to Albania. Nothing for Sweden. That'll be remembered.
Engelbert is thumbing through his phone, looking for Rick Rubin's number.
Serbia give 12 to Macedonia.
Germany are forced to give 12 votes to everyone under the bailout rules. But really 12 to Sweden.
We're nearly through this. The News has been pushed back to 11.15, and might just make that second appointment.
Russia appears to be wearing a dress that would allow her to re-enter the atmosphere. 12 goes to Sweden.
11.11
Hungary says "lets see what we can do if we follow the sound of our hearts", which turns out to be giving 12 points to Sweden.
Israel, represented by Alan Cumming's uncle, appears to have popped out of a wedding for their scoring. 12 to Sweden takes them over 350.
Last bunch of results from Ireland. A grudging four for Engelbert and 12 to Sweden.
So, Loreen wins.
11.15
So, what have we learned?
First, it makes for a bloody long night if you accidentally start blogging the Voice as well.
Second, sending a great man into the contest with a weak song isn't an easy route to victory.
Third, could somebody please now take Jedward off the television, for they have delighted us enough.
Fourth, tweaking your own nipples during your song really helps boost your score.
Fifth, baking live on stage is appreciated, but not as much as tweaking nipples.
Sixth: it helps if your entry has been a hit across Europe by the time it comes to the contest.
1974 and 1992 - years when Sweden won Eurovision - were also UK General Election years. Any chance of a General Election this year?
Is it News Corp's kneejerk damning of the BBC, whatever it does, or simply The Sun's fawning over Simon Cowell that is leading to the daily churning of stories attacking The Voice?
JESSIE J strikes a moody pose as she slams The Voice – telling how she wishes she’d known the line-up of fellow judges before signing her BBC contract.
Now, that standfirst gives the impression that she's, well, slamming the programme.
Except, the paper is a bit clearer when it gets down to it:
Jessie said: “I was first to sign up (as a judge) because I was totally up for it. But when Tom Jones said he waited until he knew the line-up, I thought I should have, too.
“It’s been scary at times but it’s one thing in my life, not the only thing. My second album is my focus.”
So it's not that she's actually "slamming" anything, just suggesting that she was too quick to sign up before knowing who else was going to be on - that's about her method, rather than the results, isn't it?
This follows on yesterday's piece about The Voice ratings, which manages to neglect the important detail that this week's programme clashed with the FA Cup Final.
Perhaps The Sun has figured that if News Corp drops its UK papers, Cowell might be one of the few people with enough cash to pick them up...
Speaking on Now FM, Max George said that she refused to talk to them backstage after the show.
He said: 'She was a bit scary to be honest.'
Bandmate Tom Parker then said: 'She's a total b****!
'She might not be a b**** in real life but to us she was a b****. She just sat there and didn't speak to us. Wouldn't even look at us.'
To be fair to Aguilera, this was backstage at a taping of the American version of The Voice, where the backstage area must be crawling with ordinary-looking singers on the edges of the tolerably good.
It's hugely unlikely she would have recognised them; chances are she just thought they were contestants trying to influence her.
More depressing, though, is the way the band fawned over Chris Brown:
The Wanted also met Chris Brown on the show and said they hoped to go into the studio with him too.
Siva added: 'We've talked to Chris Brown as well, which would be really good. We talked to Chris actually when we were on The Voice and he said he was down as well.'
Perhaps Aguilera saw you getting on so well with a man who beats up women and decided she didn't want to rub shoulders with people whose standards are so low?
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