Jessie J heads off to crack America, apparently

Can it really be true that Jessie J is leaving, as the Daily Star says?

Jessie J moving to the U.S.
Pop star JESSIE J is moving to the U.S. in a bid to crack the American music industry.

The headline is pretty clear. Sounds like she's already deep in conversations about baseboard heating with Remax realtors, right?

She tells KISS FM's Breakfast Show, "I'm kind of 50/50 there and within the next kind of 18 months I'm gonna basically get a place in L.A. or New York. Yeah. Flying in east."

So that's less 'is moving to the US', more 'might at some point in 2016 buy a small flat but haven't even given any thought about which coast it might be near'.

Not so much with the "now or never", then.

We have a while to wait before we need to put together comfort packs of marmite and PG Tips.

Jessie J resigns her bisexuality

Obviously, people's sexuality can change over their lifetime - both in terms of what they find attractive, and in how they choose to define themselves.

Having said that, Jessie J's sudden announcement that she isn't bisexual any more gives the impression of someone trying to distance themselves from a marketing campaign for a brand which has moved on.

She wrote: “Remember the thing that you tried/did back in the day. The phase you had? That is so not YOU anymore?! And you look back and think wow how I’ve changed.

Jessie, the idea that bisexuality or pansexuality is a "phase" tends to be a concept used by people who aren't bisexual or pansexual.

“Something that you don’t even talk about or want to talk about anymore. Because you’ve moved on? That was just part of you growing up? Discovering yourself and working out what you liked and disliked…. Remember?

“I have those too. Yet I’ve noticed some people hold onto mine because they were blogged and put into the media."

It wasn't "blogged and put into the media" - you chose to talk about in Cosmopolitan, it was you who chose to take bisexuality and try it on for a bit.

“I have felt under pressure since being famous to be what some people want me to be for them! I have learnt that the hard way. It’s too much!

“[People] can change. As they should. And I have changed and grown up ALOT, and that’s allowed. And I feel more comfortable in my own skin now than ever before. We all are on a journey and I refuse to feel boxed and judged because of how I felt once!”

Let's accept that this isn't just someone trying to disown a bandwagon they once jumped upon, and do J the courtesy of taking at her word the idea that she was bisexual, once, for just long enough to issue a press release and then it went away.

Instead, let's just look at the way she's chosen to de-announce her bisexuality.

There's a general sense that she finds the idea of being bisexual something of a teenage embarrassment - which is a chilli in the eye for those of us who remain as bi as they were yesterday morning.

There's the use of the word "judged". Surely the reaction to someone judging you because you are, or were, bi - especially if you elbowed your way into the community in the first place, and that community were nothing but welcoming and supportive - is to question why people think that's something on which a person should be judged at all.

You'd hope if someone came up to Jessie J and said "ewwww, you're bisexual and that's disgusting", her reaction would be "no it isn't" rather than "no I'm not."

You would hope that someone who had chosen to share the identity of a group which suffers from high levels of mental illness and stress might, at the very least, withdraw from that group without making it look like she was recoiling in horror from a terrible youthful indiscretion.

In an attempt to try and clear things up, she spoke to the Mirror to try and throw a blanket of platitude over the mess:

Brilliantly, she also joked online that “vegetarians eat meat ­sometimes”. When asked about the comment yesterday, she said: “I thought that was quite funny.”

Actually, Jessie, no; vegetarians don't "eat meat sometimes". You're getting confused with people who claim to be vegetarian but actually aren't.

Also, you're comparing standing up, publicly and painfully distancing yourself from bisexuality with a person on a largely meat-free diet having a sausage roll?

She says of her past revelations: “I did talk about it, and I was open about it, and I do support being lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender - love who you want.

“That’s what I’m doing."

I think that's great news there for the bi community - I think we'd all had a nervous 48 hours over whether we'd all have to stop it for good now Jessie's thrown it in. How generous of her to not only licence our sexual identities, but to support us, too. Even if we've chosen the one that is horrible to have blogged.

“I don’t regret anything I ever said."

It's not clear here if J is not regretting saying she was bisexual, or regretting that long series of Tweets where she spoke about how she regretted saying she was bisexual.

"I’m just so bored of it"

Oh, goodness. It turns out being thought bisexual is boring. How lucky to be able to slew it off when it become tiresome.

"I want to stop talking about it completely now and find myself a husband."

It might come as a shock to Jessie, but being bisexual doesn't actually prevent you from finding a husband if you're a woman. Hell, these days it doesn't prevent you from finding a husband if you're a man.

You're in a national newspaper suggesting that bisexual people have to renounce their sexuality if they want to have a permanent relationship. Did you even think how that looks?

It's hard to see how anyone could make this worse, but then she manages it:

She adds: “It’s a true struggle. All the chick flicks that didn’t make sense to me, I now understand – Sex and the City is real!”

Bisexual people don't understand chick flicks. It's true; if you fill a cinema with bisexuals and show them When Harry Met Sally, they literally cannot see anything happening on the screen. There's something about our retinas which means the minute 27 Dresses comes on, we're rendered functionally blind.

That's how you can tell if you've been cured of bisexuality - you suddenly start seeing Richard Gere and Julia Roberts on the Pretty Woman DVD box.

Do you want to just pat us on the head before you leave, Jessie?

“For me, it was a phase,” she says. “But I’m not saying bisexuality is a phase for everybody."

Oh, how very, very generous of you. How very kind.

Gordon in the morning: Jessie J votes for modesty

Gordon Smart has an interview this morning with Jessie J, where she attempts to bring the sort of 'let's keep things positive, everything's for the best' approach she used for judging on The Voice to the vexed question of Islamic dress.

"As an artist I try and be controversial and I have been a bit offensive at times. I have a view on the burka and I'm sure a few of the Muslim girls and their families would have a view of me on stage in next to nothing!"

Some of the families have a view of Jessie J writhing half-naked on the stage. The others bought cheaper seats and only had an obscured view.

Jessie, can you solve the problem of centuries of religious injunctions about the modesty of women, perhaps by pulling a statement that sounds like it's been lifted from a Disney song out of the air?

"I remember while I was at school some of my Muslim friends talked about a handful of people spoiling things in every culture. Hatred or hurt or pain isn't specific to a religion.

"I think it's a matter of acceptance. The one thing the world has to accept is everybody is different. What is normal to us is different and unusual to somebody else."

Expertly swerving the question at the heart of the issue - is it a choice, or is it enforced - Jessie J has just moved us straight to the hug at the end.

More interesting, surely, is the quote that kicks off the piece. Let's look at that again:

As an artist I try and be controversial

Wearing crop tops; making Top 40 pop; doing shows for charidee and tea-time telly. Yes, I can see the Vorticist influence there.

Battle for Voice judging seats more interesting than The Voice itself

With Jessie J having better things to do, and Danny From The Script having other things to do, there's some excitement at the question of 'who will be the judges when the third series of The Voice happens, as it surely shall, for it is foretold in the Bible'.

No, there really is some excitement. So much so that Paddy Power - the bookies that think kicking a cat is hilarious - have started offering odds on who will be spinning around.

The two incumbents who have yet to quit, Tom Jones and Will I Am, are both 3-1 on.

Beyond that, it's a mix of the plausible and the questionable. So, sure, you could see Olly Murs (10-1) turning up week-in, week-out, but the chances of Adele signing up are surely slimmer than the 12-1 odds suggest.

Likewise, you could perhaps see a world in which an 80-1 punt on Grace Jones could come off (for a couple of shows)... but the same odds on Shane McGowan?

Also: apparently Madonna is as likely to turn up on a Saturday night light entertainment show as Dannii Minogue. Srsly?

[Thanks to Michael M]

Danny out the Script is now the second-most-famous person on The Voice

Trouble at The Voice, with both Jessie J and Tom Jones finding better things to do with their time instead of joining the next series.

Jessie J is desperately trying to arrange a tour so she has an excuse when the BBC pop round with an invite, while Tom Jones is apparently unable to think of any more anecdotes mentioning Elvis, so really can't see the point.

"I did think I had a tale left about meeting Marvin Gaye" explained Tom, "but then I remembered that I'd used it on the second programme. And, to be frank, the sort of new anecdote I was minting on this show - 'I once had a Nespresso with Danny out the Script' - weren't helping."

Will I Am will almost certainly come back, providing he's allowed to bounce up and down. Mr Am added: "And to go on a train. I wanna go on a train. And have ice cream. Oh - look, there's a pony."

Danny from The Script isn't yet sure he'll be coming back. A friend said "he realises last time he was lucky nobody realised he was only there to drop off a parcel; he doesn't reckon he'd be that jammy twice."

Universal-EMI merger catches in The Voice

Here's some fun: the ill-fated deal to funnel off the acts from the UK version of The Voice to Universal hasn't just lumbered the label with a barn full of unsaleable singers; it's a mighty spoke in the deal to bring Universal and EMI together, too. MediaGuardian explains:

The European commission document is understood to have raised the spectre of "over exposure" that the enlarged Universal Music will get across all manner of media platforms and markets. If combined, the two companies would distribute 41% of music sold worldwide.

A particular concern of the commission's is the share of airtime Universal artists would get on radio and key TV shows – it is understood that the Universal-dominated BBC talent show The Voice is raised as an example – where three of the four judges, will.i.am, Jessie J and Tom Jones, are signed up to labels owned by the company.

Obviously, there are plenty of other examples of how one company dominating the music industry is bad for everyone (effectively, the way they sing with the one note of the RIAA-IFPI cartel proves how rotten that is), but how amusing if the attempt to hammer a super-major falls down in part because of The Voice.

Executives haunted for all time, when they close their eyes, by a vision of Jessie J spinning round on a chair yelling "this is how Team Jessie does it" over and over and over.

Jessie J: Domino theory

The lawsuit in which Loomis And The Lust's claim that their Bright Red Chords sounds like Jessie J's Domino is same-old, same-old, until you get to this bit of the MTV report:

In April, Loomis uploaded a video of the band's song with Jessie's vocals laid on it, but the clip has since been removed on "copyright grounds." However, a music video for "Bright Red Chords" remains online, allowing fans to determine if Loomis has a case against the British songstress.

I know there could be a fair use argument for a stretch of the vocals being used, but isn't it undermining your own case to a 'being left open to a counteraction' extent to steal the vocals of somebody you're accusing of stealing your melody? It's a bit like breaking in to someone's house to see if you can find the things they pinched when they broke into yours, isn't it?

Gordon in the morning: Flushed

Oh dear, what can the matter be?/
Jessie J's locked in the lavatory/
She'd popped in to touch up her finery/
And notwithstanding Gordon's headline wasn't actually stuck sitting on the toilet, poor thing.

Gordon in the morning: A friendly warning

Uh-oh. Jessie J is putting together a girlband.

Maybe I'm being unfair. How bad can it be?

Jessie’s team are also behind new girlband The Scarletz.

The Scarletz. With a z.

If anyone needs me, I'm going to be digging some sort of shelter.

Gordon in the morning: In the Company of Jessie J

Is it News Corp's kneejerk damning of the BBC, whatever it does, or simply The Sun's fawning over Simon Cowell that is leading to the daily churning of stories attacking The Voice?

Today, they've cut a piece out of a Jessie J interview in Company and twisted it:

JESSIE J strikes a moody pose as she slams The Voice – telling how she wishes she’d known the line-up of fellow judges before signing her BBC contract.

Now, that standfirst gives the impression that she's, well, slamming the programme.

Except, the paper is a bit clearer when it gets down to it:

Jessie said: “I was first to sign up (as a judge) because I was totally up for it. But when Tom Jones said he waited until he knew the line-up, I thought I should have, too.

“It’s been scary at times but it’s one thing in my life, not the only thing. My second album is my focus.”

So it's not that she's actually "slamming" anything, just suggesting that she was too quick to sign up before knowing who else was going to be on - that's about her method, rather than the results, isn't it?

This follows on yesterday's piece about The Voice ratings, which manages to neglect the important detail that this week's programme clashed with the FA Cup Final.

Perhaps The Sun has figured that if News Corp drops its UK papers, Cowell might be one of the few people with enough cash to pick them up...

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Who's doing nicely out The Voice?

Is anyone doing well from The Voice? Obviously the procession of hats and brave faces competing have yet to pitch any wares (except, I guess, for the Five Star back catalogue), but the judges are doing very nicely.

Gennaro Castaldo, HMV's head of abacus-wielding, explains:

"So far Jessie has seen the biggest lift - with sales of her album nearly 100% up on the period before the show started," Gennaro Castaldo, head of press and PR at HMV told The Radio Times.

"It tends to be the performing guest artistes featured on reality TV audition shows that normally steal the headlines and see a lift in sales of their products, but for the first time it's actually the panel of judges on The Voice who appear to be benefiting."

Jessie J's album sales have been boosted by 89%, albeit in some sort of vague way:

[She] has experienced an 89% increase in sales of her first album Who You Are since the show began in March.

Presumably that's not she's sold 89% more than the total sales up until that point, but it's not entirely clear what period the comparison is with.

Fellow coach Danny O'Donoghue has also seen an increase. His band The Script have seen sales of their first two albums rise by 57% over the past four weeks

I'm presuming there's also been a 57% rise in people getting an album home and feeling really cheated in the same period.

Gordon in the morning: A morning outing

The Sun has been dribbling out extracts from the Simon Cowell book all week - the suspicion that Sun staff might struggle with the reading borne out by the fact that it appears to take two people to copy chunks out and pretend it is interesting. They've bought a second book, too, a muck-rakey story about Jessie J. As a result, today's front page is especially unedifying:

Jessie gay
Simon NOT gay
Voice star 'is a secret lesbian'
Cowell: I'm totally straight

POP beauty Jessie J is 100 per cent lesbian, an explosive book claims.

Yes, the front page of a national newspaper is given over to a claim about a young woman's sexuality based on a book that isn't even about her.

The Voice judge, 24, was ordered to hide the truth from fans by claiming to be merely bisexual, the unauthorised biography says.

What? "Merely bisexual"? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Besides "demeaning to bisexuals". Does the paper believe that bisexuality is somehow the easy option? That isn't true.

Oh, but it's trendy, isn't it?

The Voice judge, 24, was ordered to hide the truth by record bosses to avoid turning off male fans, the unauthorised biography says.

They advised the star to say she was a bisexual who liked boys AND girls, because that was trendy.

That'd be right, as no man has ever had a sexual fantasy featuring a lesbian, ever. That's a fact.

Does The Sun really think that outing people - or, rather, choosing to disparage their own choice of self-sexual identification - is what a newspaper should be doing in 2012?

The author of the book, Chloe Gavin, claims:

“Being gay would alienate people. They knew how important image was and asked her to tone it down a bit.

“There are so many homophobes out and there were fears of a career-damaging backlash.”

It's true - being bisexual really takes the huff out of the homophobes. Who can forget Westboro Baptist Chruch, picketing funerals with signs saying 'God hates fags - if only you'd had sex with a woman from time to time, that would have been alright'.

There's a stern warning at the foot of the page:

© The Sun. Our lawyers are watching.

Presumably not lawyers who understand the bit about the right to a private life. Although, given how their company hacked and trailed solicitors, that's a typo and should read 'we're watching your lawyers'.

Jessie J: Win your chance

Coca-Cola's extraordinary 'water with some vague vitamin' product Glaceau is currently running a contest to let a lucky winner go to London and party with Jessie J.

A London promotional party with Jessie J? What could possibly go wrong with one of those?

Man stabbed at Blackberry phone party

ContactMusic are describing last night's stabbing in London as having taken place at a "Jessie J party", but it actually sounds more like 'man stabbed at Blackberry promotional event'.

Perhaps there's two PR teams fighting over who gets the credit - "we're on prime time now, we don't need that level of edgy" "no, no, we're dropping our consumer product lines, we don't need to be connected with men getting stabbed in the neck..."

[Update: This piece was originally published with a weak pun headline; the subsequent death of the victim made this feel inappropriate and so the headline has been revised 22/04/12.]

Brits 2012: The Liveblog

6.24pm
Pancake night. The day when you use up all your ingredients that are about to go stale. The night when people will applaud the biggest and best tossers. The perfect night for the Brit Awards 2012.

With a shudder, I've realised that this is only the second of James Corden's three-year contract. Last year he did it without any attempt at humour, which at least showed he knows his limits. This year, in the gaps between promoting his autobiography, Corden has been claiming that he's discovered humility. He's put the way the nation cooled on him as being down to "the work not being good enough", which might mean that he's going to be trying a lot harder tonight. It's a frightening prospect.

We know that the show is going to end with eleven minutes of Blur. There was a time when the prospect of Blur doing eleven minutes on live TV would have filled me with delight and butterflies. But at that point, I would also have felt the same about buying pvc trousers or going into work with a hickey. For Alex James' sake, lets use a food metaphor: Blur have become like a quirky restuarant that have spun out into being a chain. The dishes might have the same name, but it doesn't quite taste the same.

It's twenty years since the KLF/ Extreme Noise Terror showstopper. Back then, Sir George Solti walked out in disgust, which might strike you as the sort of thing the Brits should be doing. Tonight, his ghost has already appeared on ITV2 telling Fearne Cotton he's really looking forward to Blur's appearance: "I hope they do a medley with Boys And Girls in it" he said, "and that they bring on an unexpected female vocalist as a guest."

What else can we expect? Clearly, part of the plan tonight is to try and make Jessie J as big a global star as Adele. Is that going to work? Isn't the idea of selling J to America a bit like selling Canadian cheddar in Somerset - there's going to be some takers who don't care that much, and it'll fill a sandwich, but really: why would you?

In case there are some of you who think that the Brits are some sort of anti-establishment howl of rebellious joy, I direct you to this tweet:

So much to see @Brit_Awards 2nite. Britschools' @officialadele, 11min performance from @blurofficial & all hosted by @JKCorden #shabbatronic

Yes, that's minister of state Jeremy 'Rhyming' Hunt throwing a shabbatronic hashtag into his timeline.

Jeremy Hunt saying "shabbatronic". For two hours. That'd be your Brits.

I'll be back at eight in a semi-official observer role. May the Lord have mercy on us all. (Refresh for updates, but not until about 7.45 as I'm going to have Nachos.)
7.52
ITV is currently showing a very dull programme about extreme fishing. Is this any way to prepare the nation for Coldplay?

(The nation responds that it's watching EastEnders, thanks very much.)

7.55
The Webuyanycar ad is on. This might be the best song we hear for the next two hours.

8.00
"This is the Brit Awards 2012, and this is Coldplay." Oh, god, just 120 minutes to get through.

8.01
Chris Martin looks like a recruitment ad for the marines from a nation that isn't too fussy. And so much dayglo.

8.03
Didn't Gordon Smart promise us Noel Gallagher? Was he hiding?

James Corden has come on. "How amazing were Coldplay?" he asks. Well, I suppose they set the bar low enough.

Jesus, that Brit Award looks like something from a disappointing Happy Meal.

First of the 'best album' packages is up, for Adele. Oh, we're getting a bit of talky stuff about how it was made. Adele is doing her best to make everyone forget why they took her to their hearts.

8.05
We're onto a Whitney bit. We've all been shocked, apparently.

Sure, it's nice to remember Whitney, but what about all the other artists who've died in the last twelve months? Is there a qualifying amount before you your death matters?

8.07
Second performance before we've even given out a prize. It's Florence And The Machine. Good to see the Brits keeping faith with Florence, even although, frankly, she's already fizzled out. Mainly through the over-exposure that her too-soon appearance at the Brits generated.

She's wearing a dress made out of solid gold, and accompanied by an entire Greek temple of dancers.

8.09
ITV Player has fallen over completely. Nice chance for the commercial network to show off its technical chops, eh?

Actually, this Florence performance would be a great entry for Eurovision. If we were Ukraine.

8.10
ITV Player comes back to life, with the QDOT strobing away in the corner. No prizes given out, but they're already running late.

What the hell is this frightening commercial? Mark Ronson, gymnasts, a vague song about "anywhere in the world" where we're "moving to the beat"? And table tennis? It can only be Coca-Cola throwing the kitchen sink into its Olympic campaign.

8.13
@dillpickle points out MyloXyloto sounds like something they add to sugar-free gum.

ITV taking the opportunity of the influx of a large audience to remind people they're the official broadcaster of Celebrity Juice.

First prize: Corden gets a chance to slobber over Kylie again (remember 2009?) as she comes out for best British Adele. Sorry, female solo artist.

Jessie J gets more cheers than Adele, though. Perhaps Adele isn't the sort of person you cheer?

Luckily Adele can be here to pick up the award, otherwise it'd be quite an awkward evening in prospect.

8.16
Fearne Cotton doesn't appear to have a role in this year's events, which must be the first time since about 2003. Should we send a search party?

Jessie J and Jack Whitehall come on for International Man prizegiving - Guetta, Blacc, Adams, Iver, Mars. Mars is here tonight. I wonder who'll win?

8.18
Bruno Mars. WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED?

Well, at least he's not wearing his stupid hat. Perhaps he would if his hair wasn't so large. Maybe there was a struggle backstage to get his stupid hat onto that stack of hair.

Corden says there's "still an incredible performance to come from him". Predicting the future, James?

Who was the bloke walking past Corden mid-flow? Had he spotted Olly Murs coming on stage and thought "that's it, I'm off"?

8.20
They've more or less flooded the stage with women in red clothes. They should have tried actually flooding the stage.

Oh, god, Murs is pulling moves. Jeremy Hunt must be having the night of his life.

Critics Choice awards, which are going to Emelie Sande. Given she's already been in the MasterCard breakbumpers, isn't she a bit beyond the new act accolades?

Corden celebrates the prize by, erm, talking to Jessie J, who thinks we care about if she's judging or coaching on The Voice. James is settling down and starting to try some jokes, which is ill-judged.

Ed Sheeran - a man who would be too bland and limp for a guest slot on Alphabet Zoo - is giving the ITV regions a chance to line up the next advert break.

8.30
Lego House. And to think they used to say The Field Mice were twee.

Oh - an advert for The New News Of The World.

8.33
Over on Twitter, OneDirection fans are getting tetchy - they're keen to hear the winner of best single, and are hoping it'll come before their bedtime.

British single, voted for by you (as in us) the "fans".

Mr. Tempah is out to give this one out. He's reminding us that he won a prize last year, perhaps to try and point out that he's not getting anything this year.

They're running through a list of songs that would persuade any sane person to uninstall iTunes. And probably rip out their soundcard.

Pixie Lott still makes records, does she? That's a surprise.

So, block voting has delivered a prize to One Direction.

8.36
That's what happens with sort-of-democracy. They should have had the vote using pens and postcards. That'd have hit their share of the vote.

One Direction say the award is for the fans. But they're the ones who voted for the award.

One of them thanks Radio One. Awkward, given it was Capital who sponsored the prize and did the voting.

They mumble on for about three hours, until Corden shoves them off.

Next, International Female - last year I think this was the prize Lewis Hamilton gave out. They've moved down a gear this year and gone for walking slumber Jensen Button.

8.38
Rihanna wins. Hey - that's lucky, as she's here to do a song anyway. What a happy coincidence.

To be fair, James Corden isn't having such a bad night tonight. Although there's no reason why Corden has to be doing the job, as he's not exactly doing anything a semi-competent chap from HR could have turned in.

Ed Sheeran's album bit has just floated by, before Corden says "what an honor" to introduce Noel Gallagher.

I wish I hadn't fed the cats already. This would have been a good time to do that.

8.41
The drumming High Flying Bird looks like he's off to do a stint as Estragon once he's finished here.

Chris Martin has turned up to play piano on this. His style is reminiscent of Rowlf from The Muppets.

8.46
This from GarethAveyard on Twitter:

Ed Fucking Sheeran - "Yeah, well, I started writing songs after I first saw that http://match.comadvert last year." #Brits

Capital advert on: "let's make some hits". Unfortunately straight after their ad it cuts to another with the words "no wonder they're bored."

8.49
On twitter: @guanoman:

Is there really any need for Olly Murs and Bruno Mars to be separate people? This just seems decadently inefficient to me.

8.51
Oh, Amy Winehouse. I was genuinely sat there going 'who is he talking about' as Corden was lining this up.

Again, nice to remember Amy - and where better than in a room full of representatives of the industry that showed such a duty of care to her - but what about the others?

8.54
Plan B. There seems to have been a strange decision that anyone who played last year has to give out a prize this. Although I suspect Imelda May might still be waiting for a call.

We're going to have best solo artist. Surely they won't be as crass as to give it to Noel for turning up, will they?

8.56
Nope, it's gone to Ed. Who also, erm, did a performance.

They're trying to justify the prize - which frankly people will stare at in five years time on Wikipedia and go 'who was that again' - by quoting how many Twitter followers he has. Because remember kids, the more spambots you attract, the better a musician you are.

8.57
Jo Whiley - who, by law, has to appear at any music awards ceremony on the British mainland - has come on with Huey for Best Group.

Listeners from Radio 2 voted for this one, so it's a chance to disprove that stuffy, fusty, old-fashioned image, right?

No. They give it to Coldplay.

9.00
Half way through.

@AidanJohnMoffat:

Now I know that Plan B's at the Brits I wish I'd bought all those tonnes of fertiliser like I'd planned.

The appearance of the short video for Let England Shake in the midst of this show is a bit like Newsround suddenly pausing for an op ed by George Galloway.

Music that is about things.

The O2 falls quiet; Corden tries to chase away the appearance of thoughts with a PJ and Duncan joke.

Oh, and there's a pointless bit between him and Kylie. It's like when Jools Holland wanders into the audience, only with a bit more sexual awkwardness.

9.02
Of course everyone loves Kylie, but hasn't her work this year mainly been a car advert that appears to have been written before they'd decided who would appear in it?

Adele has the performance she did for the Grammys ready to roll again.

9.05
I wonder if this will sell any copies of 21 for her? If anyone at all is sat at home going 'this is a lovely song... I wonder if it's out on record to buy yet?'

9.06
We've still got the threat of Bruno Mars hanging over us.

The VirginMedia buffering ad doesn't really work when you're, erm, watching it online.

9.10
"Take Me Out. Exclusive to ITV1." Although I suspect Challenge TV are clearing a gap in their 2013 schedule.

Corden's started to edge towards irritating again - "I'm kidding." No, you're not.

He said it was Brian May and Roger Taylor, but it looks like my Aunt Lena and Bill Oddie have come on stage.

International Group. Any shortlist featuring Maroon 5 isn't worth winning. No wonder the Foo Fighters couldn't be arsed to turn up to pick it up.

9.13
Some footballer and Nicole Searchinlookinforlove are handing out the breakthrough act prize. Really? A footballer?

The Vaccines aren't going to win this, are they?

9.15
Ed Sheeran has taken the breakthrough act, which makes sense given we're supposed to believe he is the best British Male solo artist currently working in the country. I say "makes sense", but you know what I mean.

"A big night he'll never forget" says Corden. Like the rest of us, he's picturing Ed in 2020, finishing his shift at the kennels, remembering that time he was apparently the biggest star in Britain.

Oh, I get it: Bruno Mars is a KD Lang tribute act. Now it makes sense.

9.18
No, really, I don't get it. Bruno Mars is like a generic 'pop star' created in Happy Days for Joanie to have a crush on, but because he'll only be on-screen for thirty seconds, they don't bother to flesh him out with a character or backstory or even really bother to write much more than half a chorus for him to sing.

9.20
"They're on their feet in here, and I'm not surprised" says Corden. Yeah, I'd have chosen that point to nip out to the toilets, too.

Florence is now telling us about her album and how she made it and everything. Her sounds are dramatic and overwhelming and conflicted, apparently. And not Arcade Fire Made Simple.

9.22
James Corden is now sat at a table with One Direction. There are fingerpainting tables in nursery schools that offer more intellectual challenge.

Corden pisses himself laughing at his own joke about Harry OneDirection "stepping out with Denise Welch". Let's just say a small prayer of thanks that he hasn't peppered his script with similar - ah - material.

Ooh, another break. I see GoCompare do home insurance now.

"I'm quite fussy..." Although not so fussy as to avoid shopping at Asda, I see.

Shit, watching TV live is horrible, isn't it?

9.27
ITV suddenly decide, three quarters of the way through, to warn people there might be flashing lights.

A bit more warning about Bruno Mars might have been nice, mind.

Rob Brydon and Will I Am come on together to do International Breakthrough. Because they're a crazy mismatched pair, do you see?

How did Foster The People get shortlisted here? Was it part of the horsetrading to allow Warners to take over HMV?

Lana Del Ray wins this, of course, because the team behind her had actually started from 'winning awards' and worked backwards.

Voiceover woman claims - wrongly - that Del Ray "likes to call herself the Gangsta Nancy Sinatra". Because why would you bother fact-checking your script for the biggest music night of the year, eh?

Del Ray thanks her label. BUT ONLY BECAUSE THEY TOLD HER TO.

9.31
Rihanna's doing her performance now, every second thinking "shit, in two or three more years I'm going to be reduced to only getting a slot sat next to Corden while he mock-flirts with me."

Still, the set's quite nice, people in plastic cubes flinging paint at each other. I expect that's going to be a tribute to the Stone Roses reunion, is it?

9.35
I could check on Lyrics.com, but I'm content to believe Rihanna is singing "we found love in our halter place."

James does a period joke.

Ray Winstone has come on to do the 'Prize given to a band we'd like to perform but won't come if we don't give them an impressive sounding prize' prize. Which this year goes to Blur.

In the production suite, they're currently going 'Phil Daniels! That was the chap we were thinking of to do the prize giving. Dammit.' Or possibly 'is Ray Winstone and Phil Daniels different people, then?'

9.37
If Dave Rowntree had managed to win a seat for Labour at the last election, would we be seeing this reunion now?

Alex James is standing staring emptily into space. Which was the style he used to use when playing the bass, if memory serves.

Ray Winstone is standing at the back of the stage like the mayor of a small market town wondering if he's made the wrong choice for the Christmas light switch-on.

9.42
If I'd known in 2012 Damon would be rambling on like this for ages and ages, I'd have worried less about the Liverpool Poly amps looking like they'd fall on his head.

9.43
Jesus, haven't we got through the album nominees yet? And they've saved the Coldplay for last.

Hadn't noticed this category is sponsored by Daybreak and Gordon Smart's column. It's like a toxic dump for fatally wounded media brands.

Ah, Vodafone have spent some of the money they stole from us in taxes to buy an ad break during the Brits.

9.45
They're trailing the News At Ten - that's still going, too, apparently.

The album award is being handed out by George Michael. I think, to close some sort of circle, this means Norman Tebbit has won.

George is only slightly slurring his words, claiming he came back from Australia because he knows who won. Presumably Adele owes him a tenner or something?

Coldplay dressed as elephants. That never fails to make me look more kindly on ivory poachers.

Of course Adele has won. And, to be fair, it's hard to see how she couldn't have won this one.

(Although Ed really looks like he thought he was going to win it.)

9.51
"I'm so proud to be British and flying our flag". Corden cuts her off. Because, yeah, that's the point you want to be worrying about timings, not when you're doing an interview with One Direction.

9.52
Well, the ghost of Sir George Solti is delighted they've started with Girls And Boys. "Something of a surprise, no?" he giggles.

It's odd that Alex James is still able to play following the smoking ban.

The producers find Louis Spence in the audience, like men determined to clobber the very last credibility the Brits might have had left in them.

9.55
So, will ITV let the show overrun and hold up the News At Ten? Or are the network saying 'let's see if the next one is off the Justine Frischmann break-up album, and if it is, we'll go straight to ITN."

9.57
Over on Twitter, there's a bit of a storm at Corden cutting off Adele. Yes, ITV might have a schedule to keep to, but if it was the Champions League that was edging towards 10pm, they don't send Adrian Chiles on to grab the ball and close things down, do they?

On the other hand, they would have to fill some dead time on ITV2 while waiting for the main programme to finish. So you can sort of see their point.

10.00
Phil Daniels and Park Life rather than Ken Livingstone, then.

That's it; fading away with Blur still on the stage. Doing the amazing performance that ITV and its hosts have been telling us would blow us away all evening. That one.

The Brits done for another year, then. See you back here next year?

By the way, does anyone remember Mumford And Sons?

Gordon in the morning: Look busy, the boss is in

Today, Rupert Murdoch will be popping in to either reassure Sun hacks that those of them who don't go to prison will be safe, or to rip out the toilets and lightbulbs before putting the place on the market.

What will Gordon be able to show him when the person translating Murdoch into human asks "what did you do for today's paper"?

A bit that appears to exist for no other reason than plugging Mastercard:

EVEN over in LA, Jessie J can't take her mind off Tuesday's Brits.

The singer, nominated for Best Breakthrough, Best Single for Price Tag and Best Female, couldn't help but dress up as the logo of event sponsors Mastercard.

Handing out free advertising to large companies - are you sure that's the sort of thing that will impress Rupert?

Gordon in the morning: Twitter is a terrible place

Jessie J is going off Twitter - as in being less keen on, rather than leaving - reports Gordon:

JESSIE J was one of the first artists to start tweeting – but she's considering sacking it off after getting death threats.

Was she one of the first? Wasn't she part of the big sign-up period when marketing people started to cotton on? (She was three months behind Lily Allen, if that helps with the calibration.)

"I have thought about coming off Twitter. It brings out the best and the worst in people.

"It's an amazing way to speak with my fans and spread a good message, get music known.

"But it's also a forum for people to send you death threats and horrible messages.

"You can't filter out the things you don't want to read from your feedline. It's direct to your phone.

"You can't get away from it. They stay in your head. I'm human. I'm not a robot."

Without wanting to defend people who cram excrement into other people's Twitterstreams, for someone who has been on Twitter for so long she seems a bit unclear about the mechanism - for example, she says one skinbox sent her "I want you to die" 150 times. Now, you might not be able to filter out all of them, but you can block the user after the first message and filter out 149 of them.

Still, encouraging to know that Jessie J is not a robot. Mind you, she does have a lot of metal in her leg right now...

Gordon in the morning: Precocious child

You know the only thing worse than a precocious child? An adult who, despite their successes as an adult, feels the need to claim they were a precocious child. What's that, Jessie J:

She said: "I've been told that my first words were 'Jam hot... you're listening to the girl from the big bad city.' My sisters used to sing it to me constantly when I was little."

Really, Miss J? Your first words weren't a cautious 'mama' or 'horsey', but instead a fully-formed sentence.

Jessie went on to reveal that mother says she was a dancer before she could walk. Mm-hmm, she says she could sing long before she could walk.

MOBOs 2011: Yes, they happened

First off, this lot were robbed in the jazz category:



As to the actual winners... well, there's a lot for Jessie J. Now, admittedly, at the Brits next year she's going to struggle to beat out Adele, but the point remains: Given a chance to differentiate themselves from the Brits, to follow a more credible route, they've instead chosen to fawn over success. There's no way an awards ceremony which ends with Jessie J asking the organisers if they've got a box she can put her prizes in has any claim to be offering any sort of alternative to anything.

For what it's worth, here's where the prizes went:

Best UK act: Jessie J

Best newcomer: Jessie J

Best hip hop/grime act: Tinie Tempah

Best video: Spaceship, Tinchy Stryder and Dappy

Best international act: Rihanna

Best song: Do it Like a Dude, Jessie J

Best album: Who You Are, Jessie J

Best reggae act: Alborosie

Best jazz act: Kairos 4Tet

Best African act: Wizkid

Best gospel act: Triple O

Best R&B/soul act: Adele

Outstanding contribution to music: Boyz II Men

J unaware of PJ

There's been a bit of a fluster over Jessie J's revelation she doesn't know the work of Polly Jean:

When asked to comment on PJ Harvey’s win, the ‘Price Tag’ and ‘Do It Like A Dude’ star confessed that she’d never heard of her, but vowed to explore her back catalogue after the interview, asking, “Is she good then?”

Is it really so surprising that a 23 year-old didn't spend a lot of time listening to classic era John Peel? I'll bet she doesn't know who Silverfish were, either.

Wasn't the point of the Mercury when it launched - alongside promoting the now-defunct Cable And Wireless domestic telephony service - to introduce people to music they might not otherwise have come across? Isn't that job done?