Brits 2014: Corden's defence

James Corden was on Channel 4's The Last Leg on Friday and, while perhaps his shaky grasp of judicial proceedings needing to take place in public is forgivable, his attempts to defend this years Brits deserve a closer bit of attention.

First, he was asked about Alex Turner's toe-curling speech at the end. Corden - as ever - was upbeat and positive; last year, he pointed out, the Monkeys picked up a prize without a word, and everyone complained about that. "You're damned if you do..." reckons James.

Up to a point. That point being if you assume that there's only a binary position between making no noise, and making a noise. On this basis, if Turner had come on stage and had a yodel, Corden would have been satisfied.

Actually, it might have been better if Turner had yodelled. Because it's not that he had said something, it was that he had nothing to say of any value. Sure, the NME might have thought we were being summoned to the ramparts, but the rest of the world just saw some drunken rambling where the lights were on, but flickering in a way that suggested a rewiring was due soon.

Secondly, James tried to parry the claims that it was all a corporate bunfest by pointing out that there was that Billie/B*Witched/Steps Abba medley thing a few years back. He seemed to be suggesting that if you used that as a measure, this year's event was hardly corporate at all. Which was an interesting argument, although one fundamentally undermined by there having been a special award invented this year to persuade One Direction to turn up, and that the sole criteria for the award was 'having sold a substantial number of units in key overseas territories'.

On the plus side, he did seem to indicate he won't host again.

Brits 2014: Liveblog

6.50pm
Welcome to the No Rock & Roll Fun Brits liveblog. For younger viewers, a liveblog is like a bunch of tweets, but without anyone reading them.

The red carpet is underway - this year the Osbournes are being delivered flat-packed, and assembled inside the O2, but there's still plenty for the masses to see.

Angus Deayton sharing a joke with rubber-faced comedian Phil Cool; Robin Nedwell out of that band that Denis managed on Corrie. And June Sarpong, with nobody quite sure why she's there, repeating a tradition now stretching back ten years.

Actually, BBC News just had a chat with Lily Allen on the red carpet. That's where the barrier of expectations has been set for the evening, everybody.

7.00pm
If you fancy staring at a bunch of logos, the Daily Mirror has a rather stuttery livestream of arrivals. At the moment, the old Independent Television For Schools And Colleges countdown logo has arrived and is posing for photos:

7.02pm
As we wait for people to drift by the Mirror's camera - ooh, look, there's a bored girl texting - here's a quick catch-up on what we can expect.

Yes, that. God help us all.

7.05pm
ITV2 also have a live red carpet "event", although that's even less slick than the Mirror's, and is going out on proper television, too.

So this morning, Robbie Williams was being quoted on the Radio 4 Today programme bemoaning that nothing exciting happened last year. Given he was one of the performers, and could have done something exciting had he chosen to, that seemed a bit rich.

Alexis Petridis tried to probe this 'boring' problem a bit more deeply in yesterday's Guardian:

In the runup to this year's Brit awards, the organisation's new chairman, Christian Tattersfield, has struck a bullish, even combative note.

He acknowledges that last year's event was a pretty dull evening for all concerned – "last year could have been better … we lacked superstars… so that took a bit of the edge off". Nevertheless, he is not a man given to fondly recalling the Brits of the past. Then it was a "shambles", now it is "an important event of gravitas, rather than just a shoddy knees-up".

"We needed to stop the mayhem," Tattersfield says, before offering assurances to anyone who thinks all this talk of gravitas suggests that 2014's ceremony, heading to us on Wednesday, promises to be as dull as its predecessor. "James Corden wants to put in a performance as host that creates the excitement we all talk about. We're saying to James, 'Go for it – let's all have some fun.'"

This is the problem: for viewers, a Brits watercooler moment would end in the words "and he got punched in the face, but even frame-by-frame on Sky Plus it wasn't clear if it was Holly Walsh who hit him or not"; but for the organisers, it'd be "... and then Jamie Cullum and Emeli Sande were joined on stage by Sting, and he had his zither with him."

Rizzle Kicks interviewing Rick Astley on ITV2, there.

7.15pm
The big story today - bigger, even, than PopJustice liveblogging whether to liveblog - has been the cheesy attempts Mastercard made to get some leverage from sponsoring tonight's event.

In effect, they asked journalists to wank on a webcam for tickets; the good seats where you could see Kylie needed a cumshot.

More or less:

The email reportedly from House PR reads: “Firstly as part of our Priceless Surprise we are putting on cars to take guests directly to the awards – we will be booking your car to take both yourself and Katy from the office at 4:30pm. Are you happy with these details?

“In addition – in return for this ticket we would like to ask that you agree to the following…” It then lists a number of conditions.

Dawbell, who handle the official PR for the Brit Awards told The Independent: “We’ve made no such asks of our invited media, which are the majority of journalists attending. This request has come from Mastercard’s PR company.”

It even suggested the words attendees might like to tweet, both from their personal accounts, and their publication's twitterfeed.

How did that work out for you, Mastercard?

This took me at least four minutes. #PricelessSurprises pic.twitter.com/H5BLN1pWbc

— Bobble Bardsley (@bobblebardsley) February 19, 2014

Elsewhere on Twitter, people are posting pictures of One Direction arriving at last year's ceremony to wind up One Direction fans. Frankly, though, given the live pictures are of James Corden hugging both Rizzle and Kicks out of Rizzle Kicks, you'd be better off with a photo from happier times.

7.22
ITV2 now getting older people to listen to this year's albums because it's funny, right? David Bowie is nominated and is 67.

7.25
Keith Lemmon's turned up. Time to take a short break for tea.

7.30

Time is the Brits?

— The Official Niamh. (@Niamh_Mx) February 19, 2014

Is this a SUPERSECRETREFERENCE that PRINCE has reformed TIME for a SUPERSECRETPERFORMANCE or merely someone missing the word "what" from the start of a Tweet?

Holy fuck remember Ben Howard at the Brits last year? He was unbelievable

— caoimhe (@caoimherella) February 19, 2014

To be honest, you can't remember Ben Howard three minutes after seeing him (does he wear a hat?), never mind twelve months on.

7.45
Yes, Five Seconds Of Summer are attending the event. I literally cannot express how this makes me feel. No... hang on... it's not I can't express it; it's just not making me feel anything.

7.58
We're nearly there. The tension is building. I ill-advisedly went with linguine and now have sauce on my face.

James Corden is presenting for the fifth time this year - he did one with his comedy partner Horne, and the other three with a growing sense of desperation. He says its the last time, but he might just be trying to get us on side.

8.00
Usual warning about flashing lights, and we're in with The Arctic Monkeys. Oh, with big flaming letters. Still doing the fire thing in lieu of spectacle, are you, Brits?

Alex Turner is wearing a jacket made from Crunchie wrappers.

8.04
It's not exactly a barnstorming start. More like a minor squall over a shed. Everyone is watching very politely, though.

It's a stage in the middle of lots of chairs and tables layout this year, which means the entire audience is sitting down. Live coverage of supper.

Shhh... James Corden's coming on.

8.06
hahahahahahahahahah HE'S ON FIRE

James tells us that British acts have taken the world by storm over the last twelve months. Really? If you bet without One Direction?

"How good were the Arctic Monkeys?" Meh, actually.

It's the biggest and coolest line-up on the Brits, apparently.

Ooh, we at home can vote for one of the awards. Video of the year, via Twitter. How very modern.

8.08

Shortlist: John Newman, Ellie Goulding, Naughty Boy, Calvin Harris and One Direction.

There's not really any point in voting, is there? It's basically inviting One Direction fans to choke up Twitter, thereby preventing people from moaning about the show there. Cunning.

8.10
Prince has come on to present an award. He's wearing a big hat and accompanied by his band.

Hahahahahahahahaha Corden does a selfie.

For younger viewers, Prince once had a hit with a cover of Tom Jones' Kiss.

It's the female solo artist.

Shortlist: Goulding, Mvula, Marling, Birdy, Jessie J

Surprise! It's Ellie "playing tonight" Goulding. Whoever would have thought?

Goulding looks like she's regretting her choice of dress and shoes as she makes heavy weather of coming to the stage Goulding thanks the people around her who have their hearts in what she does. Sounds messy.

8.15
First break of the night.

By the way: I know Kiss wasn't a Tom Jones' song; it was by Age Of Chance.

That's why the Brits should be on BBC #BRITs2014

— ⚒ Caen ⚒ (@CaenBowditch) February 19, 2014

Good god, no; the adverts are the only respite we get. This is probably the only national event which is improved by ITV stopping to flog M&Ms every five minutes.

Over on Twitter at the moment, One Direction fans are noticeably struggling with the voting instructions for the video prize.

8.18

if you're watching the BRITs over the champions league then you need to reevaluate your life

— andrew (@andrewli11ey) February 19, 2014

Apparently this is a reference to football.

They're really dragging out the Kylie break bumpers, aren't they?

"The atmosphere here is electric" says James Corden, an original thought a lesser presenter might not have been able to put into words.

Katy Perry is coming on to do her turn now. Remember she was slagging off Miley Cyrus for being too sexualised, so let's see what she's got planned.

She thinks she's come on as Cleopatra, but really she looks like someone trying to do Susannah Hoffs for an 80s themed fancy dress night.

8.20
Perry is being pulled round the stage on a small trolley, like a singing bunch of sandbags.

Oh, she's taken off her coat and is now doing her dance routine in a skintight leotard.

I say dancing. It's mostly standing and pointing.

Her backing dancers are now twerking their tushes off. See, Miley? It's not cheap if you pay someone else to do it.

ITV try for an audience reaction shot, but it's just the tops of lots of heads sat at tables.


8.22
International male solo artist. It's Kylie and Pharrell.

Kylie is in something that looks like a Toto Coleolo binliner original; Pharrell invites the audience to make some noise for Kylie, like they might have been cheering him.

Shortlist: Bruno Mars; Eminem; Drake; John Grant; Justin Timberlake

For younger viewers, Justin Timberlake is the man who invented MySpace, which was like Facebook with colouring pens.

Bruno Mars wins, and brings an small entourage with him to pick up the award - all of whom are probably capable of making records more engaging than Mars seems capable of. If I were John Grant - and frankly, I could be, as he's so anonymous - I'd be feeling cheated.

Oh, what's that, Bruno? You're playing tonight? And you won a prize? What are the odds?


8.26
We're not doing the first album nomination - Derek Bowie's The Next Day. There's a little film with some words and things.

Onto Breakthrough - Tinie Tempah and Fearne Cotton are coming on. Not to one of Tinie's songs, oddly.

Fearne is wearing one of those foil blankets you get when you complete a marathon.

Shortlist: Odell, London Grammar, Bastille, Mvula, Disclosure

Bastille - who I think might be playing tonight - get the prize. "Their name derives from Bastille Day" a helpful voice informs us, in case you thought they couldn't spell the name of the sweets properly.

8.30
"This is so unexpected". Really? You had a 20% chance. Can't be that surprising.

"Look who I'm sat with" says James Corden, who's sitting down with One Direction at a table. Corden does a joke about Justin Bieber being raped in prison.

8.31
Another break.

I BET 5SOS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE USING PHONES DURING BRITs

— Abbey | 5sos ♥ (@iHemmoCrew) February 19, 2014

I suspect half of the people who have to show up because its their job are playing Candy Crush. Actually, judging by the lack of atmosphere in the room, it's possible everyone is on the phone there.

8.37
Bruno Mars is doing the song in return for his award. Corden calls him "the finest showman in the world right now"; but then Corden hasn't seen that Chinese Elvis impersonator in Tunbridge Wells.

What does it say on Mars' hat? Angel Kitty?

I haven't really noticed the song. It's like a vegan version of the Jackson 5.

8.41
The song just stops.

Corden does a joke that suggests that Bruno Mars might be uncomfortable around gay men.

Next album is Rudimental. Unlike Bowie, they talk in their little film. THEY NEED IT MORE. Don't show them that you need it, boys. Act aloof. Cold. Like the big, cold, empty O2.

"We wrote it as music, not as a genre" they explain, helpfully. Which is lucky, as their producer doesn't know how to read genre.

Lily Allen is back, trotting on to give British Group.

Shortlist: Arctic Monkeys; Bastille; Disclosure; Rudimental; One Direction.

Tell us Lily, who is it?

Arctic Monkeys! Who played earlier this evening! So surprise!

8.46
Alex is no longer wearing his golden jacket. There's a laconic acceptance speech that will at least please the prioducers as they keep on schedule.

Critic's Choice now, or the 'who will labels pour money into until you're sick of them'.

It's Sam Smith.

Sam Smith was the lead character in the sitcom Goodnight Sweetheart, where he was played by Nicholas Lyndhurst.

8.48

if you think one direction should have one, i'm sorry but you're not just annoying, you're stupid

— ❁ (@meglikesalpacas) February 19, 2014

I'm not saying anything.

We're back from the third break, in time for the Global Success award, or the 'please come, One Direction, we'll make up a prize for you.'

Rosie Huntington Thingymy is going to do the honours here.

I really hope Arctic Monkeys fans take to Twitter to complain about One Direction winning this over their band.

8.54
Rosie announces One Direction like it was a surprise. Even after showing a film of them.

OH MY GOD THEY HAVE GONE AS A FOUR PIECE MAYBE THEY HAVE SPLIT CURLY HAS LEFT LARRY, MOE, AND THE OTHER TWO. BREAKING NEWS I THINK I'M GONNA HURRRRRL.

Styles trots on late saying he was having a wee.

OH MY GOD HARRY HAD HIS PENISES OUT AND WAS WAVING THEM AROUND LITERALLY SECONDS AGO I AM GONNA DIE FOR HONEST.

8.56
They're putting Beyonce on halfway through? Really? I know they don't want to have to fade her down for the news but... surely this is peaking way too soon?

Beyonce wants us to sing along with her. Mostly she's on a massive screen behind her own head, which is like watching a grainy TOTP performance on a TV on the other side of a pub.

But it's Beyonce. She's the first thing this evening where it doesn't matter the room is full of Universal's accountants eating pies.

And she's got a glittery dress that actually glitters on screen.

9.01

Not even watching the Brits but whys Beyoncé performing? Isn't she a bit too high up for that

— Queen T (@Toyosi_Raheem) February 19, 2014

Yes. Way, way, too good for this.

9.02
Noooooo! Come back Beyonce. Don't leave us with... with... this Cordenism.

9.03
Best British Single. Katy Perry is going to give the prize away. She does a plug for her tour.

Shorlist: Rudimental; Calvin Harris; Disclosure; Bastille; Naughty Boy; Olly Murs; Passenger; John Newman; Ellie Goulding; One Direction.

The winner is Rudimental. Katy Perry nods her approval, in that 'I'm not quite sure who they are but I'm sure it's a good choice' way that parents often do when you talk about music.

Rudimental "didn't expect this". Everyone turned up with low expectations tonight, then, and to be fair most of the evening hasn't let them down.

9.06
The Arctic Monkeys try to summon up some enthusiasm for talking about the record in their best album film. They don't quite manage it.

The tweets about Beyonce and the Brits are beginning to drown out the footy ones...Guys!! This is our night! Don't let it happen!

— Gappy Bond (@Gappybond) February 19, 2014

Apparently football and music are now in a state of war.

Another break.

9.12
Disclosure and Lorde are teaming up. It's like a crazy two-for-one deal, like at Dominos on a Tuesday when you can have a pizza and another pizza that's a bit different but still basically a pizza for the price of one.

There's a strange Lorde-face-made-out-of-lights hovering over the stage. That's got to be off-putting.

9.15
It's pleasant enough, but...

Oh god, somebody please do something INTERESTING! #brits

— OstaVaye (@OstaVaye) February 19, 2014

AlunaGeorge turning up doesn't quite cut it.

9.17
Bastille's little film about the album what they made now on.

And we're on to International Group.

Shortlist: Daft Punk, Haim, Kings Of Leon, Arcade Fire, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Nicole Sherzzzinger announces Daft Punk, who cannot be with us tonight because they've got better things to do. Nile Rodgers comes on, though, and he's playing tonight, so that keeps things square, right?

For younger viewers, Nile Rodgers was the bloke who got in the way of the guy with the iPad at Glastonbury.

Rodgers claims the award as belonging to everyone connected with the record, which is a bit like he's elbowing his way in.

9.23
Corden is with Kylie. He's doing a bit of business about the name of her album. Because it sounds like she wants hier to kiss him.

Kylie tries to look like she's enjoying being ribbed about being single.

More commercials.

9.28

not completely sure of what the brits is to be perfectly honest

— justin hills (@olisexysykes) February 19, 2014

The what isn't difficult, surely? It's the why, isn't it?

Good lord, apparently they're still making The Only Way Is Essex.

9.30
The last of the best album film goes to Disclosure - "everyone on blogs was getting so excited". Yeah. You'll find that about people with blogs. But what do they know?

9.31
Goulding up now - Corden says she "really came into her own with her second album". I suppose getting to the end of the first one and still having a record deal is something of an achievement in its own right these days.

Goulding dressed like Miss Havisham but with a giant guitar.

No, hold on, she removed the demure top layer to reveal a bra top and hot pants. SHE WAS DRESSED ALL SEXY UNDERNEATH. Why has nobody ever thought of that provocative move before?

9.35
This song really only exists to soundtrack an advert for one of those summer holidays where you have to do things, doesn't it? Shot of people rock climbing - "burn burn" - shot of people walking down beach - "burn burn".

British male now, with Noel Gallagher dragged up to present it. Sadly not in the 'wearing drag' sense.

He goes straight to nominations with all the charm of a man asking the owner of a red Fiat to move their car as it's blocking the back door.

Shorlist: Bugg; Odell; Blake; Newman; Bowie.

Ironically for a man who appeared with a mask covering his face, David Bowie wins against the faceless interchangable hordes.

Kate Moss comes on to accept to Bowie's behalf. David's given her something impenetrable to read. Everyone's a bit confused.

9.40
They're picking up the pace all of a sudden. Nick Grimshaw to do international female. "Can we have a round of applause for James Corden? Bloody killing it..."

Nominations: Perry, Monae, Pink, Lorde, Lady GaGa

Lady GaGa! I remember her! Wasn't she one of the scissor sisters?

Lorde wins the prize, though. Oddly, she was performing a few moments ago.

9.42
Lorde says she feels like her brain's exploding. Actually, is that Lorde or has Darlene from Roseanne nipped on stage to pick up the prize?

Corden is now sitting with Pharrell and Rodgers, doing some jokes about his hat. I hope they spin this out into a sitcom.

Oh, god. Keith Lemon has now appeared - BUT HE'S WEARING A HAT TOO. My sides are in danger of overflowing like the Thames did.

Everything shambles into some more commercials.

9.45

Keep talking Pharrell - its not like they'll cut off the poor sod at the end when they try and make a speec... oh wait

— Darren Hemmings (@mr_trick) February 19, 2014

Just when they'd picked up the pace, too.

Now I know that when Nile Rodgers says "I'm having a blast" it actually means "Please, call me a taxi".

— Simon (@HungryHatter) February 19, 2014

Nile's hating every fucking minute. He hates this more than he hates X Factor. #BRITs2014

— Holy Moly! (@HolyMoly) February 19, 2014

I suspect Niles is muttering to Pharrell now "are you sure Prince is closing the show tonight? Because if I'm hanging around here and it's just some bullshit whey-faced British boy singing a plaintive song about his broken heart, I swear to god I'm going to throw this table at his head..."

9.48
Still half an hour to go. Be strong, everyone.

The programme has now started to sink so badly David Cameron is announcing that there's an open chequebook to help survivors.

Jimmy Carr has come on, to demonstrate how you might want to host a show like this. Although his Cowell joke falls flat.

It's the video of the year award - you'll recall the uninspiring shortlist was farted out at the start of the show for One Direction fans to rig the votes. So what's happened?

One Direction win.

That's such a surprising surprise.

One Direction get a round of applause for James Corden. Perhaps he's got a disease and everyone's being supernice to him.

9.52
Time for a collaboration. Again. Bastille and Rudimental playing together. It's like when people made mash-ups, isn't it? For younger viewers, mash-ups were two songs that were unconvincingly slopped together to create something that could be used to demonstrate the phrase "less than the sum of its parts".

Actually, this could be worse. But it'd have still been better if they'd both done their songs in full. They could have dropped... well, almost anything, to make space for that.

9.57
And if you're just tuning in to ITV to see the News At Ten, everyone already watching ITV really wishes they'd be about to see the News At Ten, too. But life isn't like that.

This is basically all the gym music, I feel like I should be doing squats. It would be less painful. #brits2014

— Tracy Morter (@moogyboobles) February 19, 2014

9.59
The final award of the night. The sweetest words in the English language.

It's Emil And The Detetcive Sande to present the best album award - because you can't do a show on telly without her turning up.

Will it be Bowie again? Has he more words for Kate Moss to read out about the Scotland referendum?

No, it's the Arctic Monkeys, thereby closing the circle of the band who played first picking up the last award.

They're over the show by now. We're all over the show by now.

Alex just babbles a bit. He could be deliberately trying to see if he can push the show over time single-handed, which is the first thing in any way interesting to happen tonight.

10.02
Jesus. Corden is at a table which appears to be stuffed with the cast of Pointless Celebrities - Rizzle Kicks, Tom Daley, Rita Ora, Harry H Corbett, Olive from On The Buses, Nadine Dorries...

10.03
They're going for a break before the closing number. They're TAKING A BREAK BEFORE DOING THE BIG FINISH.

By the time they get to the 398th trail for Ant And Dec, half the room at the O2 will be queueing for their coats and the other half will be minesweeping the leftover lagers from the expensive tables.

10.06
More breaking awards news:

Congratulations Royal Television Society Regional Presenter of the Year: Stewart White, BBC Look East

— Michael Crick (@MichaelLCrick) February 19, 2014

"The panel were impressed wiht Stewart's ability to read a headline about the Cambridge Guided busway for the 79th consecutive day without looking as bored as the audience."

I've just realised that there have been hardly any music ads in the breaks tonight - there's just been one for Pharrell's album, but more or less everything else has been not music. If even the music industry can't be fagged to advertise in the Brits, what IS the point?

Pharrell and Niles are doing the closing number, then. Not Prince. Which is a bit of a shame as Prince had made his band turn up carrying their instruments at the start of the show. Maybe he was just waiting to be asked, guys.

I've still yet to have it convincingly explained to me why Pharrell is wearing Dudley Do-right's hat.

10.13
They've finished with enough time to do a highlights package. In fact, given how few highlights there were, they've got more than enough time to do a highlights package.

The voiceover at the end suggests that all that was missing was Ant And Dec. Perhaps. It was crying out for a bit more atmosphere and surprise.

We have made it through - thank you for the comments, and the plugs on Twitter. I'm now choosing cinnamon rolls over the ITV2 aftershow. I hope God can forgive me.

Gordon in the morning: Money well spent

As you know, Gordon's excellent coverage has been taken, along with the rest of The Sun's business, behind a mighty paywall.

So, what does your money get you this morning?

Gordon's big story is that he went on televison and then he played football with his friend James and then James did score a goal and so Gordon lost but he had fun anyway and it was on the television.

Could there be any more compelling argument to dig into your pockets than knowing you can see someone burbling on about their part in a light spot of TV filler that anyone who might have given a half-hearted honk about would have seen on Saturday anyway?

Gordon in the morning: Corden announces availability

A second dip into the Sun this morning, as Gordon Smart reveals that James Corden is hoping to extend a Mugabe-like grip on the Brit Awards:

JAMES CORDEN has held talks about another year at the helm of the Brits.

This year’s show pulled in the biggest TV ratings in the event’s 30-year history – but in terms of rock’n’roll antics the best description of the night was “beige”.

However, the host with the most has demanded some assurances on the line-up for next year before committing to the gig for a fourth time.

Corden should be in with a chance of keeping his job - when last year's show was met with ill-stifled yawns, James trotted out a defence so corporate I suspect he delivered it via Powerpoint:

“The show is put on and made to showcase British music and sell British music so people buy those albums and that money will go back into record companies to invest in other British artists who will then inspire another generation of musicians.

I suppose it's slightly more appealing than the jokes he tried during the show.

Gordon in the morning: Corden in the morning

Have you ever wondered how James Corden prepares to present the Brits? Not 'why', that philosophical question will have to wait for another time, but 'how'?

Gordon knows:

He has about an hour’s kip and sits playing FIFA minutes before he’s called to deliver gags to boozed-up nominees and millions of TV viewers.

Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/4803543/James-Corden-says-he-prepares-to-host-Brits-by-playing-FIFA.html#ixzz2LQKde4nJ

Judging by last year's show, he continues the kip through to roughly the Best International Female award.

Meanwhile, the point at which we can all return to everyday life tonight will be marked by Emeli Sande closing the awards.

Is this a rule now? Has some sort of law been passed that she has to take a key role in public events? Apparently she even showed up at Sports Personality Of The Year, which seems to confirm she gets booked because everyone else booked her, a constant log-rolling which never interacts with the awkward question 'yes, but is she any good?'

Still, if the show overruns a bit, no great loss if ITV have to roll the credits and hit the off button before things are finished. Because if you miss a couple of minutes of Sande, she'll be back doing the FA Cup semi finals, or Norwich Businessman Of The Year, or the Mirror Pride Of Britain Awards.

Gordon in the morning: The Brits are coming

The worst thing about New Year is that each change of calendar means that, somewhere, a shady group is getting ready to put on a Brit Awards show. Gordon's excited, though:

IN only six weeks the The Brit Awards 2013 will burst on to your TV – and they are shaping up to be one of the best on record.

Really? One of the best on record, you say?

MUSE, ROBBIE WILLIAMS, MUMFORD & SONS and ONE DIRECTION have all signed up to perform live with more acts to be announced.

JAMES CORDEN is back on board as host, so the winning formula is almost complete. THE ROLLING STONES could just be that extra-special ingredient — and are preparing the Deep Heat after a Best Live nomination.

Those two paragraphs appear to be completely at odds with the first one, surely?

Gordon in the morning: Gordon goes to the GQ Awards

Not quite sure why; mostly his report is massive photos of people stood near GQ logos.

Boris Johnson won politician of the year, and there were prizes for both Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow. Tom Jones also got one, I think because 'spinning about on a chair' was a surprising addition to the prizes this year. Lana Del Ray took the token woman prize.

James Corden picked up a prize, which funnily enough is well-deserved this time round; sort-of undermined by all the times he's been given GQ Awards in the past for little more than being a face on the scene. Adding to the watery nature of the prize, he was being lauded not for his acting, but an "editor's special", which sounds more like a money-off voucher for a cheap suit.

Still, it was worth Gordon being there as he could bring his star-spotting skills to the event.

Times editor en route to #GQMoty - just saw him get into chauffeur driven Bentley. How the other half live. Circulation must be up.

— Gordon Smart (@gordonsmart) September 4, 2012

Who better than a senior figure from Rupert Murdoch's newspapers to spot other senior figures from Rupert Murdoch's newspapers?

I stand corrected. Apologies. It was another well-heeled executive RT @philgwebster that's funny cos he is standing by me in the office now

— Gordon Smart (@gordonsmart) September 4, 2012

(By the way, Gordon, the Times is down about 8.5% on its circulation of a year ago - but at least not losing readers as quickly as The Sun, eh?)

James Corden appeals for calm over Adele truncation

Although nearly everyone in the world has forgotten the bit at the Brits when James Corden punched Adele, threw her awards to the ground and yelled "it's ALLLLLL-BAAAAAAARRRRRRN", Corden hasn't.

He wants us to remember, so that we can heal and forget:

"She's fine, I've never known such a non thing to become a thing, ever."

It's such a non-thing he had to mention it while presenting Sport Relief, and now is at it again. But it's a non-thing.

"I've done a lot of press [in the US] in the last few weeks and no-one's mentioned it. I think they realised that someone didn't get to say 'Thank you' long enough and maybe thought it wasn't huge news."

It's possible that all that press you've been doing in the US might have been with people not considering it to be a non-story, but people who are unaware of the Brits Awards, and unaware that this James Corbind they're talking to might have been something to do with it. It's a bit like Cameron trotting home thinking the Burmese press not asking about Peter Cruddas means the scandal has passed.

Brits 2012: The Liveblog

6.24pm
Pancake night. The day when you use up all your ingredients that are about to go stale. The night when people will applaud the biggest and best tossers. The perfect night for the Brit Awards 2012.

With a shudder, I've realised that this is only the second of James Corden's three-year contract. Last year he did it without any attempt at humour, which at least showed he knows his limits. This year, in the gaps between promoting his autobiography, Corden has been claiming that he's discovered humility. He's put the way the nation cooled on him as being down to "the work not being good enough", which might mean that he's going to be trying a lot harder tonight. It's a frightening prospect.

We know that the show is going to end with eleven minutes of Blur. There was a time when the prospect of Blur doing eleven minutes on live TV would have filled me with delight and butterflies. But at that point, I would also have felt the same about buying pvc trousers or going into work with a hickey. For Alex James' sake, lets use a food metaphor: Blur have become like a quirky restuarant that have spun out into being a chain. The dishes might have the same name, but it doesn't quite taste the same.

It's twenty years since the KLF/ Extreme Noise Terror showstopper. Back then, Sir George Solti walked out in disgust, which might strike you as the sort of thing the Brits should be doing. Tonight, his ghost has already appeared on ITV2 telling Fearne Cotton he's really looking forward to Blur's appearance: "I hope they do a medley with Boys And Girls in it" he said, "and that they bring on an unexpected female vocalist as a guest."

What else can we expect? Clearly, part of the plan tonight is to try and make Jessie J as big a global star as Adele. Is that going to work? Isn't the idea of selling J to America a bit like selling Canadian cheddar in Somerset - there's going to be some takers who don't care that much, and it'll fill a sandwich, but really: why would you?

In case there are some of you who think that the Brits are some sort of anti-establishment howl of rebellious joy, I direct you to this tweet:

So much to see @Brit_Awards 2nite. Britschools' @officialadele, 11min performance from @blurofficial & all hosted by @JKCorden #shabbatronic

Yes, that's minister of state Jeremy 'Rhyming' Hunt throwing a shabbatronic hashtag into his timeline.

Jeremy Hunt saying "shabbatronic". For two hours. That'd be your Brits.

I'll be back at eight in a semi-official observer role. May the Lord have mercy on us all. (Refresh for updates, but not until about 7.45 as I'm going to have Nachos.)
7.52
ITV is currently showing a very dull programme about extreme fishing. Is this any way to prepare the nation for Coldplay?

(The nation responds that it's watching EastEnders, thanks very much.)

7.55
The Webuyanycar ad is on. This might be the best song we hear for the next two hours.

8.00
"This is the Brit Awards 2012, and this is Coldplay." Oh, god, just 120 minutes to get through.

8.01
Chris Martin looks like a recruitment ad for the marines from a nation that isn't too fussy. And so much dayglo.

8.03
Didn't Gordon Smart promise us Noel Gallagher? Was he hiding?

James Corden has come on. "How amazing were Coldplay?" he asks. Well, I suppose they set the bar low enough.

Jesus, that Brit Award looks like something from a disappointing Happy Meal.

First of the 'best album' packages is up, for Adele. Oh, we're getting a bit of talky stuff about how it was made. Adele is doing her best to make everyone forget why they took her to their hearts.

8.05
We're onto a Whitney bit. We've all been shocked, apparently.

Sure, it's nice to remember Whitney, but what about all the other artists who've died in the last twelve months? Is there a qualifying amount before you your death matters?

8.07
Second performance before we've even given out a prize. It's Florence And The Machine. Good to see the Brits keeping faith with Florence, even although, frankly, she's already fizzled out. Mainly through the over-exposure that her too-soon appearance at the Brits generated.

She's wearing a dress made out of solid gold, and accompanied by an entire Greek temple of dancers.

8.09
ITV Player has fallen over completely. Nice chance for the commercial network to show off its technical chops, eh?

Actually, this Florence performance would be a great entry for Eurovision. If we were Ukraine.

8.10
ITV Player comes back to life, with the QDOT strobing away in the corner. No prizes given out, but they're already running late.

What the hell is this frightening commercial? Mark Ronson, gymnasts, a vague song about "anywhere in the world" where we're "moving to the beat"? And table tennis? It can only be Coca-Cola throwing the kitchen sink into its Olympic campaign.

8.13
@dillpickle points out MyloXyloto sounds like something they add to sugar-free gum.

ITV taking the opportunity of the influx of a large audience to remind people they're the official broadcaster of Celebrity Juice.

First prize: Corden gets a chance to slobber over Kylie again (remember 2009?) as she comes out for best British Adele. Sorry, female solo artist.

Jessie J gets more cheers than Adele, though. Perhaps Adele isn't the sort of person you cheer?

Luckily Adele can be here to pick up the award, otherwise it'd be quite an awkward evening in prospect.

8.16
Fearne Cotton doesn't appear to have a role in this year's events, which must be the first time since about 2003. Should we send a search party?

Jessie J and Jack Whitehall come on for International Man prizegiving - Guetta, Blacc, Adams, Iver, Mars. Mars is here tonight. I wonder who'll win?

8.18
Bruno Mars. WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED?

Well, at least he's not wearing his stupid hat. Perhaps he would if his hair wasn't so large. Maybe there was a struggle backstage to get his stupid hat onto that stack of hair.

Corden says there's "still an incredible performance to come from him". Predicting the future, James?

Who was the bloke walking past Corden mid-flow? Had he spotted Olly Murs coming on stage and thought "that's it, I'm off"?

8.20
They've more or less flooded the stage with women in red clothes. They should have tried actually flooding the stage.

Oh, god, Murs is pulling moves. Jeremy Hunt must be having the night of his life.

Critics Choice awards, which are going to Emelie Sande. Given she's already been in the MasterCard breakbumpers, isn't she a bit beyond the new act accolades?

Corden celebrates the prize by, erm, talking to Jessie J, who thinks we care about if she's judging or coaching on The Voice. James is settling down and starting to try some jokes, which is ill-judged.

Ed Sheeran - a man who would be too bland and limp for a guest slot on Alphabet Zoo - is giving the ITV regions a chance to line up the next advert break.

8.30
Lego House. And to think they used to say The Field Mice were twee.

Oh - an advert for The New News Of The World.

8.33
Over on Twitter, OneDirection fans are getting tetchy - they're keen to hear the winner of best single, and are hoping it'll come before their bedtime.

British single, voted for by you (as in us) the "fans".

Mr. Tempah is out to give this one out. He's reminding us that he won a prize last year, perhaps to try and point out that he's not getting anything this year.

They're running through a list of songs that would persuade any sane person to uninstall iTunes. And probably rip out their soundcard.

Pixie Lott still makes records, does she? That's a surprise.

So, block voting has delivered a prize to One Direction.

8.36
That's what happens with sort-of-democracy. They should have had the vote using pens and postcards. That'd have hit their share of the vote.

One Direction say the award is for the fans. But they're the ones who voted for the award.

One of them thanks Radio One. Awkward, given it was Capital who sponsored the prize and did the voting.

They mumble on for about three hours, until Corden shoves them off.

Next, International Female - last year I think this was the prize Lewis Hamilton gave out. They've moved down a gear this year and gone for walking slumber Jensen Button.

8.38
Rihanna wins. Hey - that's lucky, as she's here to do a song anyway. What a happy coincidence.

To be fair, James Corden isn't having such a bad night tonight. Although there's no reason why Corden has to be doing the job, as he's not exactly doing anything a semi-competent chap from HR could have turned in.

Ed Sheeran's album bit has just floated by, before Corden says "what an honor" to introduce Noel Gallagher.

I wish I hadn't fed the cats already. This would have been a good time to do that.

8.41
The drumming High Flying Bird looks like he's off to do a stint as Estragon once he's finished here.

Chris Martin has turned up to play piano on this. His style is reminiscent of Rowlf from The Muppets.

8.46
This from GarethAveyard on Twitter:

Ed Fucking Sheeran - "Yeah, well, I started writing songs after I first saw that http://match.comadvert last year." #Brits

Capital advert on: "let's make some hits". Unfortunately straight after their ad it cuts to another with the words "no wonder they're bored."

8.49
On twitter: @guanoman:

Is there really any need for Olly Murs and Bruno Mars to be separate people? This just seems decadently inefficient to me.

8.51
Oh, Amy Winehouse. I was genuinely sat there going 'who is he talking about' as Corden was lining this up.

Again, nice to remember Amy - and where better than in a room full of representatives of the industry that showed such a duty of care to her - but what about the others?

8.54
Plan B. There seems to have been a strange decision that anyone who played last year has to give out a prize this. Although I suspect Imelda May might still be waiting for a call.

We're going to have best solo artist. Surely they won't be as crass as to give it to Noel for turning up, will they?

8.56
Nope, it's gone to Ed. Who also, erm, did a performance.

They're trying to justify the prize - which frankly people will stare at in five years time on Wikipedia and go 'who was that again' - by quoting how many Twitter followers he has. Because remember kids, the more spambots you attract, the better a musician you are.

8.57
Jo Whiley - who, by law, has to appear at any music awards ceremony on the British mainland - has come on with Huey for Best Group.

Listeners from Radio 2 voted for this one, so it's a chance to disprove that stuffy, fusty, old-fashioned image, right?

No. They give it to Coldplay.

9.00
Half way through.

@AidanJohnMoffat:

Now I know that Plan B's at the Brits I wish I'd bought all those tonnes of fertiliser like I'd planned.

The appearance of the short video for Let England Shake in the midst of this show is a bit like Newsround suddenly pausing for an op ed by George Galloway.

Music that is about things.

The O2 falls quiet; Corden tries to chase away the appearance of thoughts with a PJ and Duncan joke.

Oh, and there's a pointless bit between him and Kylie. It's like when Jools Holland wanders into the audience, only with a bit more sexual awkwardness.

9.02
Of course everyone loves Kylie, but hasn't her work this year mainly been a car advert that appears to have been written before they'd decided who would appear in it?

Adele has the performance she did for the Grammys ready to roll again.

9.05
I wonder if this will sell any copies of 21 for her? If anyone at all is sat at home going 'this is a lovely song... I wonder if it's out on record to buy yet?'

9.06
We've still got the threat of Bruno Mars hanging over us.

The VirginMedia buffering ad doesn't really work when you're, erm, watching it online.

9.10
"Take Me Out. Exclusive to ITV1." Although I suspect Challenge TV are clearing a gap in their 2013 schedule.

Corden's started to edge towards irritating again - "I'm kidding." No, you're not.

He said it was Brian May and Roger Taylor, but it looks like my Aunt Lena and Bill Oddie have come on stage.

International Group. Any shortlist featuring Maroon 5 isn't worth winning. No wonder the Foo Fighters couldn't be arsed to turn up to pick it up.

9.13
Some footballer and Nicole Searchinlookinforlove are handing out the breakthrough act prize. Really? A footballer?

The Vaccines aren't going to win this, are they?

9.15
Ed Sheeran has taken the breakthrough act, which makes sense given we're supposed to believe he is the best British Male solo artist currently working in the country. I say "makes sense", but you know what I mean.

"A big night he'll never forget" says Corden. Like the rest of us, he's picturing Ed in 2020, finishing his shift at the kennels, remembering that time he was apparently the biggest star in Britain.

Oh, I get it: Bruno Mars is a KD Lang tribute act. Now it makes sense.

9.18
No, really, I don't get it. Bruno Mars is like a generic 'pop star' created in Happy Days for Joanie to have a crush on, but because he'll only be on-screen for thirty seconds, they don't bother to flesh him out with a character or backstory or even really bother to write much more than half a chorus for him to sing.

9.20
"They're on their feet in here, and I'm not surprised" says Corden. Yeah, I'd have chosen that point to nip out to the toilets, too.

Florence is now telling us about her album and how she made it and everything. Her sounds are dramatic and overwhelming and conflicted, apparently. And not Arcade Fire Made Simple.

9.22
James Corden is now sat at a table with One Direction. There are fingerpainting tables in nursery schools that offer more intellectual challenge.

Corden pisses himself laughing at his own joke about Harry OneDirection "stepping out with Denise Welch". Let's just say a small prayer of thanks that he hasn't peppered his script with similar - ah - material.

Ooh, another break. I see GoCompare do home insurance now.

"I'm quite fussy..." Although not so fussy as to avoid shopping at Asda, I see.

Shit, watching TV live is horrible, isn't it?

9.27
ITV suddenly decide, three quarters of the way through, to warn people there might be flashing lights.

A bit more warning about Bruno Mars might have been nice, mind.

Rob Brydon and Will I Am come on together to do International Breakthrough. Because they're a crazy mismatched pair, do you see?

How did Foster The People get shortlisted here? Was it part of the horsetrading to allow Warners to take over HMV?

Lana Del Ray wins this, of course, because the team behind her had actually started from 'winning awards' and worked backwards.

Voiceover woman claims - wrongly - that Del Ray "likes to call herself the Gangsta Nancy Sinatra". Because why would you bother fact-checking your script for the biggest music night of the year, eh?

Del Ray thanks her label. BUT ONLY BECAUSE THEY TOLD HER TO.

9.31
Rihanna's doing her performance now, every second thinking "shit, in two or three more years I'm going to be reduced to only getting a slot sat next to Corden while he mock-flirts with me."

Still, the set's quite nice, people in plastic cubes flinging paint at each other. I expect that's going to be a tribute to the Stone Roses reunion, is it?

9.35
I could check on Lyrics.com, but I'm content to believe Rihanna is singing "we found love in our halter place."

James does a period joke.

Ray Winstone has come on to do the 'Prize given to a band we'd like to perform but won't come if we don't give them an impressive sounding prize' prize. Which this year goes to Blur.

In the production suite, they're currently going 'Phil Daniels! That was the chap we were thinking of to do the prize giving. Dammit.' Or possibly 'is Ray Winstone and Phil Daniels different people, then?'

9.37
If Dave Rowntree had managed to win a seat for Labour at the last election, would we be seeing this reunion now?

Alex James is standing staring emptily into space. Which was the style he used to use when playing the bass, if memory serves.

Ray Winstone is standing at the back of the stage like the mayor of a small market town wondering if he's made the wrong choice for the Christmas light switch-on.

9.42
If I'd known in 2012 Damon would be rambling on like this for ages and ages, I'd have worried less about the Liverpool Poly amps looking like they'd fall on his head.

9.43
Jesus, haven't we got through the album nominees yet? And they've saved the Coldplay for last.

Hadn't noticed this category is sponsored by Daybreak and Gordon Smart's column. It's like a toxic dump for fatally wounded media brands.

Ah, Vodafone have spent some of the money they stole from us in taxes to buy an ad break during the Brits.

9.45
They're trailing the News At Ten - that's still going, too, apparently.

The album award is being handed out by George Michael. I think, to close some sort of circle, this means Norman Tebbit has won.

George is only slightly slurring his words, claiming he came back from Australia because he knows who won. Presumably Adele owes him a tenner or something?

Coldplay dressed as elephants. That never fails to make me look more kindly on ivory poachers.

Of course Adele has won. And, to be fair, it's hard to see how she couldn't have won this one.

(Although Ed really looks like he thought he was going to win it.)

9.51
"I'm so proud to be British and flying our flag". Corden cuts her off. Because, yeah, that's the point you want to be worrying about timings, not when you're doing an interview with One Direction.

9.52
Well, the ghost of Sir George Solti is delighted they've started with Girls And Boys. "Something of a surprise, no?" he giggles.

It's odd that Alex James is still able to play following the smoking ban.

The producers find Louis Spence in the audience, like men determined to clobber the very last credibility the Brits might have had left in them.

9.55
So, will ITV let the show overrun and hold up the News At Ten? Or are the network saying 'let's see if the next one is off the Justine Frischmann break-up album, and if it is, we'll go straight to ITN."

9.57
Over on Twitter, there's a bit of a storm at Corden cutting off Adele. Yes, ITV might have a schedule to keep to, but if it was the Champions League that was edging towards 10pm, they don't send Adrian Chiles on to grab the ball and close things down, do they?

On the other hand, they would have to fill some dead time on ITV2 while waiting for the main programme to finish. So you can sort of see their point.

10.00
Phil Daniels and Park Life rather than Ken Livingstone, then.

That's it; fading away with Blur still on the stage. Doing the amazing performance that ITV and its hosts have been telling us would blow us away all evening. That one.

The Brits done for another year, then. See you back here next year?

By the way, does anyone remember Mumford And Sons?

Gordon in the morning: The Brits countdown

Tomorrow night is Brits night, the traditional evening when the eyes of the world are on the UK music scene. Until the world starts to stab itself in the eye with a mascara pencil to make it all stop.

As part of the exciting build-up to the exciting event, James 'surely this one is the last one under that ridiculous contract' Corden is talking things up with Gordon. Apparently it'll be exciting because Corden's got a bad knee.

Yes, the most thrilling backstage prep is a cortisone injection.

This just in: the eyes of the world have sent their apologies, but they've got some emulsion desiccant they've got to see in action.

Gordon in the morning: One could get a concussion from such a bimp

As we prepare for James Corden's contractually unavoidable Brits hosting, Gordon has bought a magazine which has a photo of him in.

In it, Corden is attempting to be Peter Sellars. Smart's verdict?

It’s Clouse-au but no cigar, James Corden

Oh, yes. Clouseau's famous cigar. How could anyone forget... eh?

Oh, it's just a joke that doesn't quite work - although, to be fair, Gordon isn't the first to make it.

JAMES Corden does his best impression of Inspector Clouseau star Peter Sellers — but it looks like he could do with a few clues himself.

Isn't looking like you need a clue a pretty good impersonation of Clouseau?

James isn't alone in the frame.

The 33-year-old comic donned thick-rimmed specs for the 1960s look — as Georgia May Jagger draped herself across his shoulders.

Well done, Gordon. You didn't describe her as someone's daughter.

The daughter of Rolling Stones star Mick took on the role of Sellers' wife, Swedish film beauty Britt Ekland.

Well, not straight away.

Gordon in the morning: Corden in the morning

One of the poorer decisions the Brits organisers have made in recent years - besides 'let's do it next year, yes? With the same shortlists?' - was locking in James Corden as host for years and years and years.

To be fair, they are sticking with the pledge and bringing him back to die painfully on ITV for a couple of hours. Which is fascinating, given how the rest of the music industry will dump contracts at the first sniff of underperformance.

It's good news for Gordon, though, who - you'll recall - clutched his sides with delight at Corden's bon mots.

Gordon and Corden caught up at the Brits launch, where James took the chance to show off his musical chops:

He said at the nominations bash: "Damon is a shining light in British culture so I always get slightly starstruck.

"It will be an honour to be in the same room as him.

"Blur winning their Outstanding Contribution award will be special.

"There hasn't been a more important band."

There hasn't been a more important band than Blur? I mean, I like Blur. Like most people, I've stood in a draughty Polytechnic hall thinking "if he brings that sodding speakerstack down on our heads, I'm not going to be happy" and have enjoyed their work ever since. I wouldn't even argue against the idea that they've been a significant band. I don't begrudge the prize they're being given in order to get a couple of songs from them to close the show.

But there hasn't ever been a more important band? It's a bit like thinking that Stephen Fry is the greatest public intellectual of our times.

Gordon in the morning: Reliable

It's easy to poke holes in Gordon's approach - it's almost too easy. In fact, it is too easy, and most mornings this post is written by one of the cats.

But to be fair to Gordon, he does have some positive qualities, and one of those is a fierce loyalty to those who show him kindness.

So it is that, tucked between guff about Cheryl Cole quitting the US X Factor and Angelina Jolie being thin, Smart finds himself recommending his readers pop down to the National Theatre to see an English adaptation of an 18th Century Italian Commedia dell'arte work.

Because it's got James Corden in it.

Gordon in the morning: Jagger japes

Gordon Smart reports that Mick Jagger and David Bowie are working on a comedy movie.

Oddly, the only mention of David Bowie in the entire report is this:

The ROLLING STONES legend penned a script with the help of old pal DAVID BOWIE about a couple of hellraising rock'n'roll managers set in the mid-Sixties.

And then, despite a massive photo of Bowie, he's never mentioned again.

Perhaps he realised how awful the project sounded and bailed before the third paragraph.

Why, you might wonder, is Mick doing this? Gordon has an answer:

After watching old chart rivals SIR PAUL McCARTNEY and GEORGE MICHAEL send themselves up for Comic Relief, he thought it was finally time to get his Ha Ha's out.

Presumably if he'd tuned in for a different bit of Comic Relief, we'd be reading some half-formed mutterings about his plans to cook for the Prime Minister.

Apart from the Comic Relief thing being totally made up, when, exactly, were George Michael and Mick Jagger chart rivals?

There's an unnamed source, of course:

"He's well up for a cameo role, to show he's not the serious businessman a lot of people think he is all the time."

Yes, that's right. The first thing people think of when they hear the name "Mick Jagger" is "serious businessman". If only he could be a bit more like Victor Kiam.

Gordon ends with some advice:

I reckon he should put himself up for a SMITHY sketch for Sport Relief with JAMES CORDEN.

Even better if they throw in a few gags about his little fella.

Yes. There's nothing the world needs more than watching James Corden making jokes about Mick Jagger's wrinkly old friend. And then after doing the Keith Richards jokes, doing some about his cock.

Gordon in the morning: Nobody pastes baby on a Corden

Good news for James Corden, a father for a first time.

How does Gordon celebrate this happy event? With a photoshop horror:

Take a moment to enjoy just how shoddy that work is, by the way - the jagged shoulder, whatever the hell is going on round the neck. This is Britain's biggest selling newspaper, by the way, not a sixth form project.

The photo is captioned "Top of the tot ... tracksuit like one Smithy wears" which, erm, explains everything.

Are you interested in what Justin Bieber thinks of Dancing On Ice?

Could you pretend you are?

In a piece with the headline teaser 'Biber: I'll skate on ice show', the poppet actually says:

Justin, 17, has just one condition, saying: "Next time I see David Beckham I will say that if he agrees to do it then so will I."

In much the same way that I will run naked down Kensington High Street - on condition the Queen does it first, then.

Gordon in the morning: And then Take That came out wearing the very same uniforms

Gordon has all the hot news from the day before yesterday, as he tries to read the notes he scribbled at the Brits. Plan B is moaning thta Take That effectively came up with same dance routine as he did:

He only discovered the clash on the morning of the show when it was too late to change.

He said: "I couldn't believe it when I came in and saw their police. I just saw their shields and said, 'What the f*** is this?' "

Still, at least Plan B could take comfort in not having Robbie Williams in his version.

Tinie Tempah tells Gordon that he can't stop thinking about Cheryl Cole:

He said: "I met her at the awards for the first time and jeez man, she's even more beautiful in the flesh. And so sweet."

Gordon's advice?

He should get stuck in.

Ah, the old-fashioned charm of the professional journalist.

And now, a small apology: during my Brits liveblog on Tuesday night, I predicted that Gordon would be popping up on Wednesday morning to say how brilliant James Corden was as host. Actually, he didn't do that until this morning. I regret the error.

As for James's job in the hosting role, he wanted it to be all about the music, and the mission was accomplished.

His gags were spot-on too.

Yes, he certainly had the O2 full of booming, echoing silence.

It turns out that Corden had spoken to Paul McKenna before the show:

After a one-to-one with McKenna on Tuesday afternoon, James was so confident he could have presented the whole show in the buff.[...]
"I've seen Paul before and he and I met for an hour. Afterwards I felt this zen-like calm and confidence."

Given that for the first half hour you looked like a goose caught at a fox barbecue, you might want to talk to McKenna about a refund.

Gordon in the morning: Brits 2011: Protective Corden

Although Gordon finds space to transcribe Rihanna saying 'wow' at last night's Brits, and offers no fewer than four pieces about the prize-givings, there's not a word about Corden's hosting.

One picture with a caption is the only acknowledgement that he even turned up.

Curious. Perhaps Gordon painted himself into a corner by insisting that James C would be beyond criticism on account of the charitable donation?

Brits 2011: Liveblog

7.51
Somewhere in Greenwich, James Corden is running through his lines.

"I wonder if giving my fee to charity will stop people criticising me?" he might wonder.

Perhaps, if you hadn't revealed at the same time how big that fee was. Going "I'm giving my fee to charity" might have swung it, but saying "I'm giving my fifty grand fee to charity" just makes you look flash.

And why are you giving it to Comic Relief? Isn't the Brits meant to be a fundraiser in its own right? Haven't you taken one charity's money and given it straight to another charity?

Of course, there's nothing new in The Unfunny One From A Sitcom hosting the Brits - who can forget the years Denzel from Only Fools did it? Or Mother from Fresh Fields? Or the entire cast of In Loving Memory.

They've just advertised Otis Ear Drops in the run-up. Probably the last thing you'd actually want on a night like this.

7.56
"With some flashing images". Consider yourself warned.

They've dragooned some pop stars into promoting Mastercard for the breakbumpers.

First impression: The O2 is way, way too huge for this. The stage looks like a flea circus in a shopping centre.

Take That have marched on behind squads of riot police. Are they duetting with Mubarak?

8.00
Monkeys learn to build machines, warns Take That. It's a less sinister warning than "hosted by James Corden".

Street dancing riot policemen. It's Britain's Got Talent And Problems.

Can't help noticing the Take That logo on the riot shields - is this a manifestation of the Big Society? Pop stars sponsoring the cops? Gary Barlow is always willing to help Dave Cameron out, so it's not impossible.

8.03
The riot police are taking their uniforms off. They're dressed like civilians. You know, like the Egyptian Police did. Um... maybe that's not what they were hoping to go for.

"Members of the pop star community" are asked to welcome Corden. Really? The community?

At least Corden is wearing clothes. At least at the moment.

He seems quite nervous.

"The new stop climate change Brit Award"? Is it really called that?

8.05
Dizzee Rascal - who was Tinie Tempah last year - comes on to do Male Solo Artist. It's clear why they're trying to get this out the way quickly, as most of the nominees will have to be back home before matron locks the doors.

The winner is... Plan B

8.07
Elton John has described Plan B as "the male Amy Winehouse". I'm not sure that's a compliment, is it?

Plan B thanks his mum from his heart. That's quite sweet. The massive list of thanks after that, not so much.

"Stay tuned" say ITV. How about you don't go for a bloody break after five minutes if you want us to keep watching?

8.10
@yourturnheather:
"My mum has been there for the whole time." Why yes, mothers are usually there from the beginning of your, y'know, life.

@tracey_thorn:
Oh that's taken the wind out of my sails, I like Plan B #thebrits

8.12
Eliza Doolittle has just given away her priceless trainers to a fan. Or possibly a shoe fetishist.

Corden's back. Oh, shit, he's really not doing any jokes, is he? Obviously that's wise, but surely if all you want is someone to mutter some platitudes, there are people who could do it professionally?

Adele's trying to do a nice, touching, personal song. Unfortunately, she's stood on a massive stage in an aircraft hanger. It's the sort of intimate moment you have when someone streams pictures of you in the shower via Qik.

8.15
@instanthits
Is this going to be The Authenticity Brits #britawards

@flumcake
Bless, James Corden is pretending that he actually has an emotional connection with music. #brits

Adele's getting some glitter dropped on her. In that big space, it just looks like a fleck of dandruff off a shoulder.

8.18
Corden's almost in tears. In tears. "All you need is a piano. Incredible."

He then plugs the downloads on iTunes for those of you not ripping the soundtrack directly.

First album nomination feature: Mumford And Sons. They're brilliant, says Corden.

Eww... they're floating quotes from critics over the top of the package. And giving the Mumfords a chance to have a little chatty about the records. "People can relate to our songs because they're real." Unlike Plan B, whose songs are all figments of your imagination, that would be.

8.20
James Corden's first joke of the evening: "That Mumford doesn't look old enough to be their Dads, does he?" Perhaps he should stick with the not doing jokes.

Justin Beiber is sat in front of a massive bucket of wine. Corden tells him he smells good and asks how old he is. Does he know this is going out on TV?

8.22
Fearne Cotton is introduced (with Corden's first 'I'm fat' joke of the evening) as 'the woman who's broken more bands than I've had hot dinners'. Presumably actually broken them - as in a "fantastic" from Fearne is enough to make you give up?

Breakthrough goes to Tine Tempah. His most famous fans, we're told, include "Princes William and Harry". Says. it. all.

8.24
Tinie's wearing a white suit and a spotted bow tie. Like he's going to a prom without a girlfriend.

"If I wore a suit like that I'd look like a weird umpire" says Corden, which might have been an attempt to explain why Boris Becker is coming on to do the next award.

Boris Becker? Have we run out of presenters already?

8.26
Das Weisse Comet gives the prize to The Arcade Fire. Who the hell are they? I've never heard of them.

That's International Band, by the way.

"We're Arcade Fire. Check it out on Google." That's the first funny joke of the evening. They go on to thank every British band who operated in the 1980s. None since. That might worry the Brits panel, if they think about.

Corden's just done his second fat joke. And I think the first two wank jokes of the evening.

Rihanna seems to be stuck behind one of those curtains you used to get in bookies doorways.

8.27
@eggyweggs1983:
So many talented comedians in the UK and they choose that muppet. For fucking shame. #brits

What the hell is Rihanna wearing? From the chest up it looks like something Rita Fairclough would have worn in her club days; from there downwards it looks... oh, she's ripped it off and is now in her pants. Never mind.

Her dancers are crawling along the floor hammering in despair. Perhaps they realised that Corden had started doing gags again.

Oh, Rihanna's doing one of those things where the artist just sticks bits of the songs together; like Stars On 45. Only this time with fire and a bunch of idiots with drums.

8.34
"After the break, the amazing Mumford & Sons perform." The amazing ones; the slightly dull ones haven't been invited. It's never a good sign when people are desperately telling you you're watching something fantastic.

This new version of JR Hartley with a musician instead of a fly-fishing expert surely only works if you remember the original, which went out - what - twenty years ago? Surely those who recall it will tune out of the young bloke in a record shop scenario, while those who don't won't quite get the point. It is very old.

8.38
Someone else has given the fans their shoes. Of course, post-Egypt showing people your shoes is something of an insult in modern parlance, isn't it?

Mark Ronson is going to give the Critics Choice In Assocation With War Child - why is a charity sponsoring an award?

This one had already been announced, of course: it's Jessie J. Lady GaGa on a European Space Agency budget. "I didn't plan anything to say" she says, which since she's had a month to plan seems like it lacks a little foresight.

Her thank you is really, really dull.

8.42
A package for Tinie Tempah's "fantastic" album. Sorry, "sensational" debut album. "I didn't know why I called it Discovery when I started" says Tinie. You named the album before you started making it?

@tonyofthesea
I think if you go to the Brit School then they just let you have one [Critics Choice prize] along with your A-Levels results.

Mumford And Sons come on. Notice Bob Dylan's not turned up to return the favour.

At least they're dressed correctly for playing in a barn.

People are whooping in the audience, which sounds inappropriate, but they're so far from the stage they've probably only just got the sound of Rihanna reaching them.

8.46
Another act doing a beautiful, fragile song. Did nobody think to pop down to see the size of the venue they were having to fill tonight?

Corden says "that's a brave performance", as if they'd come on and gone Brokeback Mountain.

He then makes a big fuss about - hee hee - this is a music show, and it's about music, but the next presenter is Lewis Hamilton. Which might have been amusing, in a self-defeating way, if he'd done it before Boris Becker came on, but by now there's been almost as many sportspeople on the stage as musicians.

Cee Lo has won International Male.

Cee Lo congratulates the audience on having great taste in music, and says Britain is great for music. He cites Boy George as an example, which again suggests most North Americans think we stopped making music sometime around the start of the Major government.

Tinie Tempah is doing a break bumper - "these shades are a big part of who I am", he says, unconvincingly.

8.52
I've learned something this eveninhg. Admittedly, it's that Jimbob's favourite member of Take That is Mark Owen (thanks, Jack in the comments). Not clear if this is still true now Mark Owen has proven himself to be no better than Leanne Battersby, mind.

@ruskin147
Best mobile device goes to Apple iPhone 4. #MWC
(I think Rory Cellan-Jones is at a better awards ceremony.)

8.54
All the award winners so far are going to show up later to do live performances. What a coincidence.

Alan Carr - who used to be part of an unsatisfactory double-act himself - has come on to do a prize giving. He's made a joke about pedometers.

Best single, partly voted for by listeners to Capital FM, which used to be your local radio station.

Just the snatches of Scouting For Girls and Olly Murs is enough to make you despair. No wonder Americans pretend Boy George is the newest star we've come up with.

Tinie Tempah wins. The voice overs keep suggesting that hits on YouTube are the measure of success, which might be true but hardly suggests that even the Brits takes selling records seriously any more.

8.58
Nearly half way. Tinie insists he wants Labyrinth before he'll do a speech. Big fan of Bowie dressed as a goblin king.

Simon Le Bon and John Taylor - who used to come to the Brits with a wheelbarrow to take awards home in - are on for Best International Group. John Taylor is starting to look like a vampire running for Republican presidential nomination.

Arcade Fire win. Their second prize of the night. Oh, please don't become the Kings Of Leon.

9.02
"I want to thank Haiti". I don't think you quite meant that, Ron Weaseley.

@Caitlin Moran
Simon le Bon looks like a sex-case wombat. In a good way.

Plan B is using back projections for his performance. Because it's all about playing a character, see, so it's like cinema and levels of artifice, see?

This is a good point to feed the cats.

9.05
Oh, more riot police. Perhaps Plan B should have compared notes with Take That?

The cats had turkey in a thick gravy, by the way. Oh, and here's James Corden back on.

While the Brits are on, there's an art show being disrupted by activists. How would we spot if something similar happened here? We might think that it was the third staged riot of the evening.

The XX get their shortlist moment. I'm not sure, but I think this is the first time an NME review has been floated across the screen during one of these album promos. Presumably if they'd won, though, they'd be playing tonight?

9.07
Corden is doing an interview with CeeLo that makes Jools Holland's interviews look like Paxman trying to find out who killed his wife. "Did you fly over on an ordinary plane or come in a boat?"

The Ting Tings are giving away their drum for Mastercard. Yes, you do. The Ting Tings. Apparently they'd only had the drum left as they've sold the rest of their kit for food.

9.11
Confused.com now destroying Chain Reaction with a terrible advert. Nothing should be more upsetting than Go Compare.

@simonth:
When you're at the event itself the 2nd half of the show (i.e. from about now) is a cheap white wine blur. I'm thinking that's on purpose.

@RitchAmes
Here's that Capital FM advert during the Brits, featuring mostly US artists - congrats to JLS and Tinie Tempah for making the grade :(

9.14
Ting Tings have given away their drum. "Could we finish your crisps?" they ask the winner.

Avril Lavigne and Will Young come on together to give a prize, after some stuff about Keys and Gray from Gordon. Because sexism is so bloody funny.

How come Lewis Hamilton gets to present an award on his own and Will Young and Avril have to share?

International Breakthrough goes to Justin Beiber. "I could be his dad or his mum" says Will, confusingly.

Yes, the Brits have given a prize to Beiber. The sound you hear is the value of all the other awards being marked down like Greek Sovereign Debt.

9.17
If Beiber's 16, shouldn't they have dropped by now?

He's trying to bring someone called Mike on stage to share the moment. Mike doesn't come on; perhaps he thinks it's To Catch A Predator - Celebrity Edition.

Boy George - the last musician from the UK America has heard of - is here for British female.

9.19
Did I mention that Corden has tried some ad-libbing?

Fucking hell - Laura Marling. I wouldn't have expected that. It's, like, a well-deserved award. She doesn't look like she expected it, either.

9.21
Arcade Fire doing some live performance now. No armed police on stage. Bless, they're Canadian, so they probably don't understand the rules.

@reaLouiseWener:
Best brit female? Annie Lennox, surely? Or Moyet. It's bound to be Moyet! #Brits

By the way, while we're over here having fun over here, the Commons has just overturned the 40% turnout requirement amendment on the AV Bill. Now would be a good time to riot in the streets, as all the cops are backstage at the Millennium Dome.

9.25
Corden interviews Ronson. "They're my favourite band [Arcade Fire]. They're amazing." "Yes" says Corden, "they're amazing."

Corden tries to keep the Beiber-calling-for-Mike thing going as a running gag. Unfortunately Mark Ronson has no clue what he's talking about.

Take That's album package now. Lots of talk about love over footage of rowing. "We're just starting our journey together."

9.30
It's the only night of the year anyone thinks "I can't wait for ITV News At Ten to start.

@robertnewman:
Still waiting for the Gaye Bykers On Acid reunion on the #Brits

Corden has just suggested Cheryl Cole is on a par with Madonna or Kylie. Is that his waspish sense of humour there?

International Female action time, then. The mighty Robyn's up for this one. Could it be?

No, of course not. You don't think Rihanna turned up just to sing, do you?

Cheryl says that Rihanna's her girl crush. As opposed to that toilet attendant, who was her crushed girl.

9.35
Rihanna: "It doesn't get much bigger than the Brits". Apart from the Grammys, or the Oscars. The BAFTAs. Whatever it is that Rory Cellan-Jones is at.

Corden's jokes are landing so flat you could slide them under a bank vault door, but - let's be fair - he's still nowhere near as awful as Peter Kay was last year. He's not even as embarrassing as the last time he did it.

Neither of those bars, though cleared, are particularly challenging.

9.38
If you're also looking for consolation: rather Tinie Tempah than JLS. At least he can deliver his stuff effectively. Although tonight there's a string section on with him.

"How do you follow that?" asks a gurning Corden, grinning for all the world like a man who's just realised he forgot to set the Sky+ so won't have to sit through this when he gets home.

Dermot O'Leary comes on, and asks the audience to applaud Corden. He doesn't actually pat him on the head, but you wonder if ITV asked him to throw a drowning man a rope.

This is British group time. Take That win, which confirms we're back on the obvious prize route.

9.44
@annagoss
In about 10 seconds Dermot O'Leary did a better job of presenting than Corden has all night

Robbie Williams keeps bellowing "shabba". At least when George Lamb did it, it was only two years too late.

Plan B album package now. It's funny that we now live in age when the record-buying public are too young to know that concept albums are meant to be a bad thing.

Corden is now at a table pointlessly interviewing Plan B. Plan B thinks "a lot more people will be open to hiphop now because of what I done with this record." He's like a rhyming Joe Maplin.

Anasatacia's here now, she's giving away her shoes that she wore on her last tour. Last tour? That must explain why they look like they went out of fashion about 15 years ago then.

There's an advert for Vodafone on now. They're tax-dodging bastards who sucked billions away from the Exchequer, but - oh, they're giving away tickets to see a fashion show so let's forgive them, shall we?

9.50
@ThisisDavina
Ok, got message from friend of voice over lady. Stop mean words... Let's enjoy the show :-)

I think they just showed the wrong break bumper - ought it not to have been someone getting Anastacia's old shoes and not the Ting Tings showing us a guitar?

Roger Daltrey comes on to give the album prize - "good to see the British music industry still has enough money for a good booze-up" he says. Pity it doesn't have the cash for a decent awards show.

Roger says Plan B's performance reminded him of the early days of The Who. He doesn't explain how.

Mumford And Sons have won the best album prize, which I think now means everyone who played live has got a prize, right?

James Corden rushes them off the stage quickly so that Cee Lo can come on and we can all go home. If the Best Album really is the highlight of the evening - which seems to be the new rule of the Brits - why treat the winners like they're being a pain in the arse for enjoying their moment? Especially when there's been time for an interview with Mark Ronson for no apparent reason.

CeeLo has a corsage which appears to be made from Rihanna's discarded dress from earlier.

Paloma Faith has just come on stage in a car. What A TOTALLY UNEXPECTED AND CRAZY COLLABORATION. It's like nothing I have ever seen.

[Producer's note: Please be aware that in the Brits 2012, the part of Paloma Faith will be played by Imelda May.]

I wonder if having done one of Cee's songs, they'll do one of Paloma's. (Actually, I don't).

10.00
And that's it. Not the worst Brits ever. A bit better than last year's. But, oh, the Millennium Dome is an unforgiving dark hole for doing a live TV programme from. Wasn't that the reason they decamped out to Earls' Court in the first place, so it looked like there was an audience present?

James Corden? Snap judgement: he didn't do anywhere near as well as Gordon Smart will say he did in tomorrow's paper. The jokes he did were rancid, and the bits he wasn't doing jokes in had the sincerity of late period Parkinson coupled with the confident delivery of those kids they had doing reports on Why Don't You?

A last word from Twitter:
@phildyson
Dear major record companies. Please fuck and collapse. Do it now you coked up self obsessed wankers

And remember, everyone: they've already signed up James Corden to be back next year. And the year after that. May god have mercy on us all.

Gordon in the morning: Looking in to it

It's the Brits next Tuesday, with James Corden presenting solo for the first time.

Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe we're all booking sessions on Wednesday to have our toes uncurled that we won't actually need.

Gordon, I understand you have news from the backstage preparations. How is it going?

The Gavin & Stacey star has been handed the best dressing room - next door to Bajan beauty RIHANNA at the O2 Arena in London.

And Big Dog James has made himself at home, drilling a little hole in the wall with a screwdriver to make sure he can keep an eye on her preparations for the bash on Tuesday.

I might need to bring forward my toe-decurling.

A source backstage said: "James has already been getting in the spirit of things with his antics behind the scenes.

"When he found out Rihanna was next door, he thought it would be a laugh to customise his backstage area with a little peephole."

Ha ha ha, yes. What could be more funny than that, eh? It's like that hilarious time Chuck Berry trashed his reputation and wound up paying out over a million in compensation after peeping on peeing women.

I know it's meant to be a joke, but the idea that this is funny rather than incredibly creepy doesn't bode well for next week.

Oh, but apparently, we can't say that, can we, Gordon?

On a more serious note...

More serious than sexual harassment? This must be serious indeed.

I hear James has donated his £50k fee for presenting the ITV show to Comic Relief. That's a really generous gesture and a great one-finger salute to those who have criticised his selection as the master of ceremonies.

It's a nice, fairly generous thing to do, but why does it make the choice of Corden to present any less awful than it was?

- Was it really a good idea to get Nick Griffin to host this year's Pride Of Britain awards?
- Oh, it's fine; he's giving his fee to charity
- Oh, that's alright then

The awfulness of the year he co-hosted with Horne wasn't because people sat at home thinking "they're being paid for this". It was because they were being awful.