Twittergem: Unimpressed by Arcade Fire

Arcade Fire do Bruce Spingsteen:

Watch Arcade Fire's Win Butler cover Bruce Springsteen's 'Born In The USA' at US election concert https://t.co/5nfSYUevLi pic.twitter.com/Fz9xdpiMVp

— NME (@NME) November 7, 2016

Not everyone is impressed:

@NME snore...

— graham coxon (@grahamcoxon) November 7, 2016

Damon Albarn gets an OBE

Damon Albarn will shortly be heading to the Palace to meet the Queen*, as he's accepted an OBE.

I wonder if he had a well-connected chum who put in a good word for him?

Apparently Alex James hates that photo.

If you're feeling a bit glum that Albarn is these days so firmly in the belly of the establishment, maybe this, at least, will cheer you up. In a rare tweet that isn't misunderstanding that everyone knew Tim Hunt was joking and that that was the problem, Louise Mensch has clambered onto the wrong side of history:

Damon Albarn? I hope they offered Noel one and he turned it down, is all I'm saying. Oasis >> Blur

— Louise Mensch (@LouiseMensch) December 31, 2015

Blur hanging around

The real disappointment about Damon Albarn having to be dragged off stage is that nobody actually pulled him off stage with a giant hook, along these lines:

On the other hand, as Blur have just launched an own-brand ice cream which you can buy in actual shops, maybe a gentle hook is too good for him.

Actually, judging by the unimpressed reaction to his Alice musical, it's possible a gentle hook is beyond Albarn these days.

Blur are back, back, back (although we didn't realise they'd actually stopped being back)

So, much excitement earlier this week, with Sky News taking up the fact trumpet:

@SkyNews: Blur have announced they are going to reunite for the first time in 12 years

I'd love to share the actual tweet with you, but it has vanished from the world as, with one voice (and I suspect it was the voice of Phil Daniels) Twitter yelled 'they did Glastonbury in 2009, and had a single out in 2012, and it seems like they've never actually stopped working together.

Sure, from the news source which once declared that the entire eastern seaboard of America had been decimated by a terrorist attack, messing up a tweet about Blur is a step forward, but it's a pity that they're so thin-skinned they attempted to rewrite history rather than admit their error, correct it, and move on. An organisation which attempts to wipe out its mistakes isn't one to be trusted.

Still, Blur are having a comeback. Or, rather, Blur are still around. Although they have let themselves go a bit:

The album might be great - but it does come with trigger warning:

Initially conceived in Hong Kong, during downtime following a cancelled show in Japan, the band spent five days laying down ideas.

Now, the band say they've had time for perspective to develop, and look at the tracks with a cold, hard, eye.

Maybe.

But let's just approach this record with the awareness that this is a project born of being bored in a hotel room.

And so it's on a par with this sort of thing:

Blur might not have a future

This may have been shocking news if it had come in 2001, but in 2014 it's not quite so jaw-dropping: Alex James doesn't know if Blur has a future:

He shared: ''To tell you anything other than 'I don't know' would be completely misleading.

''Getting back with the guys has been emotional each time because fundamentally we all really get on and there were never any major problems between us. I love them all like brothers. But our lives have moved on. We're all busy. That's the great thing, we all found new things to do. So to do it as and when works for us.''

It's not entirely clear what Alex James is busy doing, although it's possible that playing go-karts with Jeremy Clarkson eats into the day.

James was talking to Hello, by the way. Hello.

Damon Albarn not quite the troll he's been presented as

It sounds like a fairly obvious attempt at annoying former Blur fans when seen through the headline prism:

Even the BBC were pushing this line, as that was the line being pulled for the front of the BBC site yesterday.

But... it's not quite what he said, is it? He was jumped at the end of a Newsnight interview and asked the question; first he dismissed it as "not a very grown up question" for the programme (he clearly hasn't seen Newsnight much recently) before answering.

Yes, he did say that Oasis were better. But then, as the film ended...

... he explained that he was saying this in the context of "communicating who they were". Which is actually a pretty clear dig at Oasis' one-dimensional nature rather than a capitulation that the shoddy plod of Be Here Now was of higher cultural value than, say, 13.

Note to the BBC: next time, you should try stipulating what you'd like to know what Oasis might have been better at.

Embed and breakfast man: Blur

It's easy to forget that Blur once did pop music instead of making cheese and running for council. Back in 1999, they did this version of Tender for Letterman:



[Part of Embed and Letterman]

I collect, I reject: Blur

Oh god. Oh god. Oh holy god. I cannot decide if it would be worse to discover that Blur think this:

... is "ironic", or if they're deadly serious.

A Blur flat cap.

(There's also a tea set.)

A Blur flat cap. It's such a terrible thing, I want to buy one to wear just so that I can be sure of being able to find a person wearing one - me - to slap about the face with a copy of SugarApe.

Oh god. You can just imagine them honking when this came to be signed off, can't you? You can just picture Alex James, putting down his sodding cheese board to giggle at THE VERY IDEA. You can close your eyes and see Damon Albarn putting his call to Malawi on hold to pull on a prototype. You can see Phil Daniels walking through the back of the shot, wearing one.

Damien Hirst is using a Bedazzler to cover his in Swarovski crystals.

It's a Blur flat cap.

And there's also a tea set.

Stuart Maconie was unavailable for comment, but reports suggested he was eating every one of the 272 pages of every copy of 3862 Days that was ever published, in the hope that it might make it stop.

Blur have launched a flat cap. With their logo on.

Graham Coxon has produced a Venn Diagram, with "northern" and "southern" sections, and the word IRONY written in the middle.

A flat cap. From Blur.

Just be thankful the Meerkats don't have a song...

The 20 most-played tracks on TV commercials last year? It's a chart:

Position Work Title Writer Advert Performed By
1 Over There George M. Cohan Go Compare N/A
2 Y.M.C.A Edward Willis, Jacques Morali, Henri Belolo Confused.com N/A
3 Eliza's Aria Elena Kats-Chernin Lloyd's TSB Elena Kats-Chernin (Wild Swans ballet)
4 Spinnin' Mike Lindsay, Corynne Elliott, Pat Marks, Jason Richards Sky Speech Debelle
5 Primavera Ludovico Einaudi Santander Ludovico Einaudi
6 The Universal Damon Albarn, Graham Coxon, Steven James, David Rowntree British Gas Blur
7 Shine Gary Barlow, Paul Donald, Paul Robson, Jason Orange, Mark Owen Morrisons Take That
8 Here Come the Girls Allen Toussaint Boots Sugarbabes
9 Rescue Me Carl Smith, Raynard Miner British Gas Fontella Bass
10 Have Love Will Travel Richard Berry LV Insurance The Sonics
11 Young Folks Peter Moren, John Eriksson, Bjorn Yttling Homebase Peter, Bjorn, and John
12 Bring Me Sunshine Sylvia Dee, Arthur Kent Coca-Cola Willie Nelson
13 Busy Olly Murs, Martin Brammer, Adam Argyle Marks & Spencer Olly Murs
14 Our House Graham Nash B & Q Amber State (cover of Crosby Stills & Nash)
15 Give a Little Love Damian Katkhuda Asda The Mostar Diving Club
16 The Snow Prelude No 3 in C Major Ludovico Einaudi Nationwide Ludovico Einaudi
17 Welcome Home Benjamin P Cooper Nikon Radical Face
18 It's a Good Day Dave Barbour, Peggy Lee Garnier Peggy Lee
19 Barcarolle Jacques Offenbach , Jack Byfield Barclays Arr: Keith J Blainville
20 Ain't No Mountain High Enough Nickolas Ashford, Valerie Simpson DHL Created by Paul Epworth ft Vula Malinga.

I'm sure the massive royalty cheque will be welcome for Speech Debelle, who most people won't remember from having won the Mercury music prize.

Blur/Oasis: If they bury that hatchet any deeper, even Tony Robinson won't be able to reach it

Well, it's a happy ending of sorts: A Blur/Oasis crossover edition marking the end of the Britpop wars:

Former Britpop rivals Noel Gallagher and Damon Albarn have buried the hatchet and performed together at a charity concert.

Oasis guitarist Gallagher joined Blur singer Albarn and his bandmate Graham Coxon at a Teenage Cancer Trust gig at the Royal Albert Hall in London.

At long last, they've buried the hatchet.

Except... hadn't they already done that?

According to The Onion's AV Club, the pair buried the hatchet last May, when Albarn offered Noel the chance to sing along with soem Burundian drummers:

Blur's Damon Albarn, Oasis' Noel Gallagher bury the Britpop hatchet, finally

Albarn says he'd be happy to collaborate with the onetime brains behind Oasis who's since gone solo. "Well, why not?" Albarn says. "He should come on the Africa Express train [an Albarn-formed music collective] in September." Self-serving, sure, but a nice sentiment all the same.

Bit harsh to call Noel Gallagher "onetime brains". I'm sure he's used them on at least three occasions.

But hang on, surely the hatchet was buried before that? In February of 2012, when Albarn announced the cessation of hostilities at a post-Brits party:

Gallagher, 44, kissed both hands of Albarn, 43, before planting a smacker on his lips in front of shocked guests including Professor Green, Cesc Fabregas, Adam Deacon and Coldplay's Chris Martin.

Albarn, who had earlier collected the lifetime achievement award with his Blur bandmates, said: "It's funny to think Blur were last here 17 years ago when we were big rivals. Isn't it funny how we've both mellowed after all these years? We've buried the hatchet."

No, hold on. It was back in October 2011, wasn't it? The hatchet was buried back then, when Noel was generous in a Shortlist interview:

"Funnily enough, when I was out last night, I bumped into him," Gallagher told ShortList of Albarn. "I literally haven't seen the guy for 15 f**king years and I bump into him in some club.

"We both went, 'Hey! F**king hell!' and then he said, 'Come on, let's go for a beer'. So, we're sitting there, having a beer, just going, 'What the f**k was all that about 15 years ago? That was mental'.

"Then he said, 'It was a great time, though', and I was like, 'Yeah, it was a f**king good laugh'. It was cool, man."

In fact, Blur and Oasis have been burying the hatchet now for the best part of a decade. Here's The Guardian in 2004:

Just over nine years later, it looks as though Blur frontman Damon Albarn and Oasis songwriter Noel Gallagher will finally bury the hatchet - both have signed up to perform on the new Band Aid charity record, due to be released in time for Christmas.

The Britpop feud might have been a great marketing scam. But, boy, the hatchet-burying is proving to be something of a strong pension scheme.

1993 all over again: 14. Blur

14. Blur - For Tomorrow

"We're trying not to feel sick again, and holding on for tomorrow." The coalescing myth that Blur somehow needed Oasis to provide a yang to their yin is rather comprehensively disproved by the stuff they were doing before Oasis even had a record in the shops.

This track inspired the famous bit of graffiti which is either a key cultural icon of London life, or else a persistent spot of vandalism.



[Part of 1993 all over again]

1993 all over again will resume later...

Dave Rowntree a bit upset after graffito removed

The NME reports on a shocking desecration of our nation's heritage:

Dave Rowntree hits out after historic Blur graffiti is removed from London path

I know what you're thinking - what, exactly, is "historic blur graffiti"?

Back in the early days of the decade, someone painted a line from For Tomorrow on Primrose Hill - the bit about "and the view's so nice". Which is rather a good joke, and one that has has a good run. But now it's been removed.

Dave isn't happy and - as a reminder that he's trying to become a politician - he's even prepared to throw the Olympics into his argument in a totally baffling way:

"It's a jobsworth attitude in an Olympic year where we're supposed to be celebrating British culture, and Blur did contribute to British culture. It's part of the Blur story."

I'm not sure that simply because it's related to Blur, who were British, is a particularly strong argument for a fairly obscure pun having a right to be on a pavement. Can you offer any other reason to keep the words?

"I can understand the decision, but I lived in the area for about 15 years and even I got used to it being there. It's a shame, it was in one of our videos, we felt deeply about the lyric and about the hill."

Which is nice, but - again - isn't really a compelling argument.

Some people tried to put back the writing, but chose a rainy day and their efforts were washed away - not by a jobsworth cleaner, but BY THE LORD GOD HIMSELF. Who must be an Oasis fan.

It seems a bit of a shame to have taken something that has been around for so long, and offered a wry little in-joke; but it doesn't seem to have occurred to Dave that perhaps the people who got out the scrubbing brushes might simply not be aware of the lyrics of a number 28 hit from nineteen years ago, and their relevance to that spot.

Blur: No distance left to run (well, a little bit)

John Harris catches up with Damon Albarn for the Guardian, and discovers that we might just about be at the end of the Blur reunion period:

So no more Blur records?

"No, I don't think so."

And will you play live again after Hyde Park?

"No, not really."

This is even bigger news. So that's it?

"I think so, yeah," he says. A little later, he goes on: "And I hope that's the truth: that that's how we end it. I don't know: you can write scripts, and they always end up going… [pause]… well, one thing I've learned, and I'm sure you're exactly the same, is that everything I think I've got totally sorted out, and I know exactly what's going to happen – it never works out that way…"

So how should I put it? That in all likelihood, this is the end of Blur?

"In all likelihood, I would say. [pause] Oh, God…"

This isn't a very clean declaration of an ending - it's a 'ooh, footsteps going near the waterfall'-cum-'well, we never saw the body fall into the canal' conclusion, with a door clearly left open. Albarn is too shrewd - perhaps too realistic - to say 'never again'.

Harris is also very, very good at getting Albarn to talk about drugs, and in particular the extent to which 13 is Blur's smack album. John's honest enough to admit that there's a massive spoon of hindsight to his insight:

But even though Frischmann's drug problems were becoming well known, nobody who wrote about Blur – myself included – seemed to cotton on (much like, perhaps, when Britain averted its eyes from the fact that YMCA by the Village People was a joyous hymn to the gay lifestyle).

Read the full piece, though, it's an excellent interview in a lovely piece of writing - and it explains why Albarn is now friends with Noel Gallagher, but less so with Jamie Hewlett/

Brits 2012: The Liveblog

6.24pm
Pancake night. The day when you use up all your ingredients that are about to go stale. The night when people will applaud the biggest and best tossers. The perfect night for the Brit Awards 2012.

With a shudder, I've realised that this is only the second of James Corden's three-year contract. Last year he did it without any attempt at humour, which at least showed he knows his limits. This year, in the gaps between promoting his autobiography, Corden has been claiming that he's discovered humility. He's put the way the nation cooled on him as being down to "the work not being good enough", which might mean that he's going to be trying a lot harder tonight. It's a frightening prospect.

We know that the show is going to end with eleven minutes of Blur. There was a time when the prospect of Blur doing eleven minutes on live TV would have filled me with delight and butterflies. But at that point, I would also have felt the same about buying pvc trousers or going into work with a hickey. For Alex James' sake, lets use a food metaphor: Blur have become like a quirky restuarant that have spun out into being a chain. The dishes might have the same name, but it doesn't quite taste the same.

It's twenty years since the KLF/ Extreme Noise Terror showstopper. Back then, Sir George Solti walked out in disgust, which might strike you as the sort of thing the Brits should be doing. Tonight, his ghost has already appeared on ITV2 telling Fearne Cotton he's really looking forward to Blur's appearance: "I hope they do a medley with Boys And Girls in it" he said, "and that they bring on an unexpected female vocalist as a guest."

What else can we expect? Clearly, part of the plan tonight is to try and make Jessie J as big a global star as Adele. Is that going to work? Isn't the idea of selling J to America a bit like selling Canadian cheddar in Somerset - there's going to be some takers who don't care that much, and it'll fill a sandwich, but really: why would you?

In case there are some of you who think that the Brits are some sort of anti-establishment howl of rebellious joy, I direct you to this tweet:

So much to see @Brit_Awards 2nite. Britschools' @officialadele, 11min performance from @blurofficial & all hosted by @JKCorden #shabbatronic

Yes, that's minister of state Jeremy 'Rhyming' Hunt throwing a shabbatronic hashtag into his timeline.

Jeremy Hunt saying "shabbatronic". For two hours. That'd be your Brits.

I'll be back at eight in a semi-official observer role. May the Lord have mercy on us all. (Refresh for updates, but not until about 7.45 as I'm going to have Nachos.)
7.52
ITV is currently showing a very dull programme about extreme fishing. Is this any way to prepare the nation for Coldplay?

(The nation responds that it's watching EastEnders, thanks very much.)

7.55
The Webuyanycar ad is on. This might be the best song we hear for the next two hours.

8.00
"This is the Brit Awards 2012, and this is Coldplay." Oh, god, just 120 minutes to get through.

8.01
Chris Martin looks like a recruitment ad for the marines from a nation that isn't too fussy. And so much dayglo.

8.03
Didn't Gordon Smart promise us Noel Gallagher? Was he hiding?

James Corden has come on. "How amazing were Coldplay?" he asks. Well, I suppose they set the bar low enough.

Jesus, that Brit Award looks like something from a disappointing Happy Meal.

First of the 'best album' packages is up, for Adele. Oh, we're getting a bit of talky stuff about how it was made. Adele is doing her best to make everyone forget why they took her to their hearts.

8.05
We're onto a Whitney bit. We've all been shocked, apparently.

Sure, it's nice to remember Whitney, but what about all the other artists who've died in the last twelve months? Is there a qualifying amount before you your death matters?

8.07
Second performance before we've even given out a prize. It's Florence And The Machine. Good to see the Brits keeping faith with Florence, even although, frankly, she's already fizzled out. Mainly through the over-exposure that her too-soon appearance at the Brits generated.

She's wearing a dress made out of solid gold, and accompanied by an entire Greek temple of dancers.

8.09
ITV Player has fallen over completely. Nice chance for the commercial network to show off its technical chops, eh?

Actually, this Florence performance would be a great entry for Eurovision. If we were Ukraine.

8.10
ITV Player comes back to life, with the QDOT strobing away in the corner. No prizes given out, but they're already running late.

What the hell is this frightening commercial? Mark Ronson, gymnasts, a vague song about "anywhere in the world" where we're "moving to the beat"? And table tennis? It can only be Coca-Cola throwing the kitchen sink into its Olympic campaign.

8.13
@dillpickle points out MyloXyloto sounds like something they add to sugar-free gum.

ITV taking the opportunity of the influx of a large audience to remind people they're the official broadcaster of Celebrity Juice.

First prize: Corden gets a chance to slobber over Kylie again (remember 2009?) as she comes out for best British Adele. Sorry, female solo artist.

Jessie J gets more cheers than Adele, though. Perhaps Adele isn't the sort of person you cheer?

Luckily Adele can be here to pick up the award, otherwise it'd be quite an awkward evening in prospect.

8.16
Fearne Cotton doesn't appear to have a role in this year's events, which must be the first time since about 2003. Should we send a search party?

Jessie J and Jack Whitehall come on for International Man prizegiving - Guetta, Blacc, Adams, Iver, Mars. Mars is here tonight. I wonder who'll win?

8.18
Bruno Mars. WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED?

Well, at least he's not wearing his stupid hat. Perhaps he would if his hair wasn't so large. Maybe there was a struggle backstage to get his stupid hat onto that stack of hair.

Corden says there's "still an incredible performance to come from him". Predicting the future, James?

Who was the bloke walking past Corden mid-flow? Had he spotted Olly Murs coming on stage and thought "that's it, I'm off"?

8.20
They've more or less flooded the stage with women in red clothes. They should have tried actually flooding the stage.

Oh, god, Murs is pulling moves. Jeremy Hunt must be having the night of his life.

Critics Choice awards, which are going to Emelie Sande. Given she's already been in the MasterCard breakbumpers, isn't she a bit beyond the new act accolades?

Corden celebrates the prize by, erm, talking to Jessie J, who thinks we care about if she's judging or coaching on The Voice. James is settling down and starting to try some jokes, which is ill-judged.

Ed Sheeran - a man who would be too bland and limp for a guest slot on Alphabet Zoo - is giving the ITV regions a chance to line up the next advert break.

8.30
Lego House. And to think they used to say The Field Mice were twee.

Oh - an advert for The New News Of The World.

8.33
Over on Twitter, OneDirection fans are getting tetchy - they're keen to hear the winner of best single, and are hoping it'll come before their bedtime.

British single, voted for by you (as in us) the "fans".

Mr. Tempah is out to give this one out. He's reminding us that he won a prize last year, perhaps to try and point out that he's not getting anything this year.

They're running through a list of songs that would persuade any sane person to uninstall iTunes. And probably rip out their soundcard.

Pixie Lott still makes records, does she? That's a surprise.

So, block voting has delivered a prize to One Direction.

8.36
That's what happens with sort-of-democracy. They should have had the vote using pens and postcards. That'd have hit their share of the vote.

One Direction say the award is for the fans. But they're the ones who voted for the award.

One of them thanks Radio One. Awkward, given it was Capital who sponsored the prize and did the voting.

They mumble on for about three hours, until Corden shoves them off.

Next, International Female - last year I think this was the prize Lewis Hamilton gave out. They've moved down a gear this year and gone for walking slumber Jensen Button.

8.38
Rihanna wins. Hey - that's lucky, as she's here to do a song anyway. What a happy coincidence.

To be fair, James Corden isn't having such a bad night tonight. Although there's no reason why Corden has to be doing the job, as he's not exactly doing anything a semi-competent chap from HR could have turned in.

Ed Sheeran's album bit has just floated by, before Corden says "what an honor" to introduce Noel Gallagher.

I wish I hadn't fed the cats already. This would have been a good time to do that.

8.41
The drumming High Flying Bird looks like he's off to do a stint as Estragon once he's finished here.

Chris Martin has turned up to play piano on this. His style is reminiscent of Rowlf from The Muppets.

8.46
This from GarethAveyard on Twitter:

Ed Fucking Sheeran - "Yeah, well, I started writing songs after I first saw that http://match.comadvert last year." #Brits

Capital advert on: "let's make some hits". Unfortunately straight after their ad it cuts to another with the words "no wonder they're bored."

8.49
On twitter: @guanoman:

Is there really any need for Olly Murs and Bruno Mars to be separate people? This just seems decadently inefficient to me.

8.51
Oh, Amy Winehouse. I was genuinely sat there going 'who is he talking about' as Corden was lining this up.

Again, nice to remember Amy - and where better than in a room full of representatives of the industry that showed such a duty of care to her - but what about the others?

8.54
Plan B. There seems to have been a strange decision that anyone who played last year has to give out a prize this. Although I suspect Imelda May might still be waiting for a call.

We're going to have best solo artist. Surely they won't be as crass as to give it to Noel for turning up, will they?

8.56
Nope, it's gone to Ed. Who also, erm, did a performance.

They're trying to justify the prize - which frankly people will stare at in five years time on Wikipedia and go 'who was that again' - by quoting how many Twitter followers he has. Because remember kids, the more spambots you attract, the better a musician you are.

8.57
Jo Whiley - who, by law, has to appear at any music awards ceremony on the British mainland - has come on with Huey for Best Group.

Listeners from Radio 2 voted for this one, so it's a chance to disprove that stuffy, fusty, old-fashioned image, right?

No. They give it to Coldplay.

9.00
Half way through.

@AidanJohnMoffat:

Now I know that Plan B's at the Brits I wish I'd bought all those tonnes of fertiliser like I'd planned.

The appearance of the short video for Let England Shake in the midst of this show is a bit like Newsround suddenly pausing for an op ed by George Galloway.

Music that is about things.

The O2 falls quiet; Corden tries to chase away the appearance of thoughts with a PJ and Duncan joke.

Oh, and there's a pointless bit between him and Kylie. It's like when Jools Holland wanders into the audience, only with a bit more sexual awkwardness.

9.02
Of course everyone loves Kylie, but hasn't her work this year mainly been a car advert that appears to have been written before they'd decided who would appear in it?

Adele has the performance she did for the Grammys ready to roll again.

9.05
I wonder if this will sell any copies of 21 for her? If anyone at all is sat at home going 'this is a lovely song... I wonder if it's out on record to buy yet?'

9.06
We've still got the threat of Bruno Mars hanging over us.

The VirginMedia buffering ad doesn't really work when you're, erm, watching it online.

9.10
"Take Me Out. Exclusive to ITV1." Although I suspect Challenge TV are clearing a gap in their 2013 schedule.

Corden's started to edge towards irritating again - "I'm kidding." No, you're not.

He said it was Brian May and Roger Taylor, but it looks like my Aunt Lena and Bill Oddie have come on stage.

International Group. Any shortlist featuring Maroon 5 isn't worth winning. No wonder the Foo Fighters couldn't be arsed to turn up to pick it up.

9.13
Some footballer and Nicole Searchinlookinforlove are handing out the breakthrough act prize. Really? A footballer?

The Vaccines aren't going to win this, are they?

9.15
Ed Sheeran has taken the breakthrough act, which makes sense given we're supposed to believe he is the best British Male solo artist currently working in the country. I say "makes sense", but you know what I mean.

"A big night he'll never forget" says Corden. Like the rest of us, he's picturing Ed in 2020, finishing his shift at the kennels, remembering that time he was apparently the biggest star in Britain.

Oh, I get it: Bruno Mars is a KD Lang tribute act. Now it makes sense.

9.18
No, really, I don't get it. Bruno Mars is like a generic 'pop star' created in Happy Days for Joanie to have a crush on, but because he'll only be on-screen for thirty seconds, they don't bother to flesh him out with a character or backstory or even really bother to write much more than half a chorus for him to sing.

9.20
"They're on their feet in here, and I'm not surprised" says Corden. Yeah, I'd have chosen that point to nip out to the toilets, too.

Florence is now telling us about her album and how she made it and everything. Her sounds are dramatic and overwhelming and conflicted, apparently. And not Arcade Fire Made Simple.

9.22
James Corden is now sat at a table with One Direction. There are fingerpainting tables in nursery schools that offer more intellectual challenge.

Corden pisses himself laughing at his own joke about Harry OneDirection "stepping out with Denise Welch". Let's just say a small prayer of thanks that he hasn't peppered his script with similar - ah - material.

Ooh, another break. I see GoCompare do home insurance now.

"I'm quite fussy..." Although not so fussy as to avoid shopping at Asda, I see.

Shit, watching TV live is horrible, isn't it?

9.27
ITV suddenly decide, three quarters of the way through, to warn people there might be flashing lights.

A bit more warning about Bruno Mars might have been nice, mind.

Rob Brydon and Will I Am come on together to do International Breakthrough. Because they're a crazy mismatched pair, do you see?

How did Foster The People get shortlisted here? Was it part of the horsetrading to allow Warners to take over HMV?

Lana Del Ray wins this, of course, because the team behind her had actually started from 'winning awards' and worked backwards.

Voiceover woman claims - wrongly - that Del Ray "likes to call herself the Gangsta Nancy Sinatra". Because why would you bother fact-checking your script for the biggest music night of the year, eh?

Del Ray thanks her label. BUT ONLY BECAUSE THEY TOLD HER TO.

9.31
Rihanna's doing her performance now, every second thinking "shit, in two or three more years I'm going to be reduced to only getting a slot sat next to Corden while he mock-flirts with me."

Still, the set's quite nice, people in plastic cubes flinging paint at each other. I expect that's going to be a tribute to the Stone Roses reunion, is it?

9.35
I could check on Lyrics.com, but I'm content to believe Rihanna is singing "we found love in our halter place."

James does a period joke.

Ray Winstone has come on to do the 'Prize given to a band we'd like to perform but won't come if we don't give them an impressive sounding prize' prize. Which this year goes to Blur.

In the production suite, they're currently going 'Phil Daniels! That was the chap we were thinking of to do the prize giving. Dammit.' Or possibly 'is Ray Winstone and Phil Daniels different people, then?'

9.37
If Dave Rowntree had managed to win a seat for Labour at the last election, would we be seeing this reunion now?

Alex James is standing staring emptily into space. Which was the style he used to use when playing the bass, if memory serves.

Ray Winstone is standing at the back of the stage like the mayor of a small market town wondering if he's made the wrong choice for the Christmas light switch-on.

9.42
If I'd known in 2012 Damon would be rambling on like this for ages and ages, I'd have worried less about the Liverpool Poly amps looking like they'd fall on his head.

9.43
Jesus, haven't we got through the album nominees yet? And they've saved the Coldplay for last.

Hadn't noticed this category is sponsored by Daybreak and Gordon Smart's column. It's like a toxic dump for fatally wounded media brands.

Ah, Vodafone have spent some of the money they stole from us in taxes to buy an ad break during the Brits.

9.45
They're trailing the News At Ten - that's still going, too, apparently.

The album award is being handed out by George Michael. I think, to close some sort of circle, this means Norman Tebbit has won.

George is only slightly slurring his words, claiming he came back from Australia because he knows who won. Presumably Adele owes him a tenner or something?

Coldplay dressed as elephants. That never fails to make me look more kindly on ivory poachers.

Of course Adele has won. And, to be fair, it's hard to see how she couldn't have won this one.

(Although Ed really looks like he thought he was going to win it.)

9.51
"I'm so proud to be British and flying our flag". Corden cuts her off. Because, yeah, that's the point you want to be worrying about timings, not when you're doing an interview with One Direction.

9.52
Well, the ghost of Sir George Solti is delighted they've started with Girls And Boys. "Something of a surprise, no?" he giggles.

It's odd that Alex James is still able to play following the smoking ban.

The producers find Louis Spence in the audience, like men determined to clobber the very last credibility the Brits might have had left in them.

9.55
So, will ITV let the show overrun and hold up the News At Ten? Or are the network saying 'let's see if the next one is off the Justine Frischmann break-up album, and if it is, we'll go straight to ITN."

9.57
Over on Twitter, there's a bit of a storm at Corden cutting off Adele. Yes, ITV might have a schedule to keep to, but if it was the Champions League that was edging towards 10pm, they don't send Adrian Chiles on to grab the ball and close things down, do they?

On the other hand, they would have to fill some dead time on ITV2 while waiting for the main programme to finish. So you can sort of see their point.

10.00
Phil Daniels and Park Life rather than Ken Livingstone, then.

That's it; fading away with Blur still on the stage. Doing the amazing performance that ITV and its hosts have been telling us would blow us away all evening. That one.

The Brits done for another year, then. See you back here next year?

By the way, does anyone remember Mumford And Sons?

Gordon in the morning: A little closure

Okay, it's not quite as surprising as Northside playing the opening ceremony, but...

Blur will headline the 2012 Olympics closing ceremony

That's quite a surprise. Headline? Did we hear that right, Gordon?

Blur will close the Olympics

That's a surprising honour. They'll walk into the stadium on the last day, and knock out a few bars of Trimm Trabb as the athletes pack up their training shoes?

Er, no:

Damon Albarn Graham Coxon, Alex James and Dave Rowntree will play London's Hyde Park on the last day of the Olympics.

The BT London Live Closing Ceremony Celebration Concert will take place on Sunday, August 12, with support from The Specials and New Order.

This is a gig on the same day as the Olympics ends - the poster for the event doesn't even have the word "Olympics" on it. It does have a logo of The Sun on it, though. And the words "closing ceremony celebration concert".

I think there's the makings of an event there that we could all get behind.

Gordon in the morning: Corden in the morning

One of the poorer decisions the Brits organisers have made in recent years - besides 'let's do it next year, yes? With the same shortlists?' - was locking in James Corden as host for years and years and years.

To be fair, they are sticking with the pledge and bringing him back to die painfully on ITV for a couple of hours. Which is fascinating, given how the rest of the music industry will dump contracts at the first sniff of underperformance.

It's good news for Gordon, though, who - you'll recall - clutched his sides with delight at Corden's bon mots.

Gordon and Corden caught up at the Brits launch, where James took the chance to show off his musical chops:

He said at the nominations bash: "Damon is a shining light in British culture so I always get slightly starstruck.

"It will be an honour to be in the same room as him.

"Blur winning their Outstanding Contribution award will be special.

"There hasn't been a more important band."

There hasn't been a more important band than Blur? I mean, I like Blur. Like most people, I've stood in a draughty Polytechnic hall thinking "if he brings that sodding speakerstack down on our heads, I'm not going to be happy" and have enjoyed their work ever since. I wouldn't even argue against the idea that they've been a significant band. I don't begrudge the prize they're being given in order to get a couple of songs from them to close the show.

But there hasn't ever been a more important band? It's a bit like thinking that Stephen Fry is the greatest public intellectual of our times.

You probably think this song is about you: Alex James

There are, amongst those who have drunk heavily, or taken drugs to excess, two sorts of people. Those who hear of the death of Amy Winehouse and think "there, but for the grace of God", and those who hear of the death of Amy Winehouse and think "quick, get me my publicist".

To be fair, Alex James probably thought he was bringing special insight. He wasn't, though, he was just trying to push himself to the heart of the story. Oh, and he was writing for The Sun, as well:

James wrote in the The Sun today (July 25) that Winehouse’s death was “shocking”, saying: “Her death is sickeningly sad, and it could easily have happened to me.”

He suggested that maybe if she had been a relationship with the right person, “this would not have happened”.

The Sun! Jesus, if you really must cram your cakehole into the story, at least find a place that isn't part of a company that has been merrily hacking into her cellphone to turn up at clinics at the same time as her.

Bookmarks - Internet stuff: Louise Wener

Hopefully, the next edition of Louise Wener's Different For Girls can drop the off-putting thumbs-up on the cover from Fearne Cotton now that Jude Rogers has reviewed it for the New Statesman:

Wener also dismantles the myth that the likes of Blur were intelligent pop revolutionaries. She describes their rudeness, their ruthless ambition and their "easy, bohemian, moneyed odour". And then there are the groupies. Wener leaves nothing out. The bassist Alex James tells a young woman, "You're ugly, but I'm going to fuck you anyway," while their tour manager is despatched to select attractive girls from the audience and give them after-show tickets, known as "Blur-job passes".

Record Store Day: Blur single released as a download

Record Store Day was another massive success on its own terms yesterday, although how far bringing in the sort of people who should be shopping in record stores is a victory is up for debate. There's a bit of a feel that RSD is starting to skew towards the collector and the obscurantist (or at least the hipster) which makes it feel one part 'preaching to the converted' to one part 'giving the impression that record shops really are all like that one in High Fidelity and if you're not interested in short-run 7" vinyl releases or having scorn thrown on your tastes by a bloke behind the counter in a No Sell t-shirt you probably should steer clear'.

One of the few events which might have tempted people less comfortable in record shops over the threshold, the exclusive limited Blur single, has now been slightly undermined by Blur putting the track up for free online the next day:

Blur’s manager Chris Morrison has said it is important that the song was made available to fans legally. "To avoid fans having to illegally obtain an inferior copy of this track from pirate sites – we have made it freely available through the band’s website".

Fair enough, it's a nice move for the fans. But - given they would have been able to get it for free anyway, albeit without the band's blessing - isn't this effectively saying "see? there was no need to schlep down to the shop and buy the thing, as it's been released, with our blessing, digitally, almost simultaneously. Who but a chump would go and buy plastic circles?"

Graham Coxon makes himself less of a pranny

Thanks to H who, in the comments on yesterday's story about Graham Coxon sending a internet posse over to Queen Margot after the blog gave him a snarky review.

As H points out, Coxon eventually turned up and gracefully held up his hands:

i want to say sorry if any comments on my forum upset or angered you. i do think what you have said here is a bit childish, felt a bit slighted, thought it a bit of a random pop- and a bit cruel but..y'know...i'll survive. i do take offense to the part about handling drink..a bit glib, a bit patronising and considering how alcoholism has affected my life and many of those i know and love..i was rather hurt.....alcoholism- i was born with that...and well my middle name i am with you on but..i was born with that aswell i'm afraid.

i agree with rather alot of what you said here tho..apart from the plonker part. i did actually wear a beautiful 1950s gloverall duffel coat to the documentary premier.. you really should have got a still of that..would have proved your point somewhat.

i do think pretentiousness is a good thing all being said...but really dont think i am pretentious. and as for my mild turrets (fidgeting, shuffling, scratching..)...born with that too....

but sorry for the disrespectful language...it was ugly and i am not in the habit of it... i know not if we have ever met...but you would know that anyway if we had. sorry anyway if you were bothered by repercussions concerning your blur documentary/me blog.

Coxon doesn't mention the bit about encouraging his fans to go and post responses, but, in a later post, admits over-reaction:

a kick in the pants is sometimes required and deserved. my language on reflection was unacceptable and i apologise absolutely!

i should have had the intelligence to laugh it off as the joke it was... i fear i was over sensitive the evening i saw your comments which i now see as pretty harmless... and quite accurate. ouch!

He should have shrugged it off - or waited before responding - but who hasn't jumped on the internet and hit a 'post' button they could barely see through a red mist. Having the grace to admit a wrong and apologise does, at least, make Coxon look a little less bad than some other men who would suggest that anal rape is a good corrective for negative opinions.